Ask The Divorce Coach: Move on? Let Go? Pfft. Yeah, right.

Question:

Dear Shelley,

“Moving on” and “letting go”.  These are the two phrases I HATE the most. My ex revealed his affair in July of ’09. I filed for divorce in August and he moved in with his girlfriend. We were married nine years and have two kids. His girlfriend just gave birth to their child in August. I am filled with rage and hatred. I want them to hurt as much as I have been hurt, but I know this is impossible. I am on meds, see a therapist and am trying to cope with being a single mom. I hate the fact that my life was turned upside down by them. I feel like I never had a choice and now I have to “co-parent” with this man that broke my heart and destroyed my family. Moving on, forgiving and letting go seem like impossible tasks to me. I hate that my kids are around the woman that cheated with their father and gave birth to their half sibling. It offends me morally, religiously, at every level. The divorce was final in August. He pays $150 per month to me and won’t help pay for the kids activities and sports and that only makes me angrier. I am 42, divorced with two kids. What now?

Betsy

Answer:

Dear Betsy,

First off, in terms of the legal divorce your child support sounds to be very low for two children.  Of course I do not know the particulars, for instance who has the larger income but if I were you, I would check with a legal expert.

Feeling like we want them to suffer as much as we have is a perfectly normal response but who is suffering right now?  Them or you?  The reality of the situation is that your anger is hurting you and not them. Given the fact that you were only divorced in August, you are still in the grieving process and it is marked by all of the negative feelings you are presently experiencing.  You need to grieve as this is a huge loss. Nonetheless, what we come to understand only with time is the fact that there is no going back. There is no controlling him. There is no ‘should be’. There simply is this reality or what is.  We can either accept our life as it is and learn to let go of the anger or we can choose to hold onto the past and suffer.

Acceptance is the conscious acknowledgement of reality without trying to change it.  If your child were to get sick you would probably react with a ‘why my child?’ response initially and be angry and sad BUT that will get you and your child nowhere.  Only when you accept the fact of the illness can you then move on to take matters into your own hands and find a way to combat the illness.  If you are lost in your car and driving around in circles thinking that you aren’t lost …you will stay lost. Only when you accept the fact that you are lost will you be able to make the move to get help.  Acceptance of what is.

I know that letting go and moving on seem like impossible task right now.  You aren’t alone in that feeling. I felt that way too. But I realized what me anger was costing me  and I saw that it was futile. Take back control of your life by accepting this new life.  As the old saying goes, “the best revenge is living well!”

What now?  Your entire future.  Get support.  

Shelley