My wife and I have separated. I don’t understand why I’m finding it so difficult to let go of the marriage cause she was both physically and emotionally abusive towards me. Why do I keep making excuses for her? Why do I blame myself for that abuse?
I have met someone really special who treats me well and loves me for who I am yet I find myself shutting her out most of the time and yearning to go back to my wife. I feel anxious a lot, maybe even depressed, but I don’t know what it means to feel normal anymore. I want to feel like I’ve made the right decisions, but I doubt myself. My logical mind tells me that even though there were good times in our marriage, there were also very, very bad ones – abusive words and physical abuse. But those episodes didn’t happen everyday…
I stayed in this marriage for 12 years and we had no kids together. I probably stayed because I was never a quitter and maybe also because my mom kind of disowned me when I married her – I guess I needed to prove her wrong.
Could it be that because I left my country and embraced hers and accepted it and tried my best to fit in to her world and her culture that now I find myself so lost and in need of her? Please help me cause I think everything is spiralling out of control.
There is so much more going on here besides a separation/divorce. There are issues of self-esteem and victimhood. A simple e-mail response from me will not change who you are and how you feel about yourself but perhaps we can open some doors.
What do you want the rest of your life to look like? What will make you fulfilled, content and whole? Who do you want to be as a human being? How do you want others to see you?
Has your marriage worked for you? If you went back to your wife would things be different? Are you thinking of going back because of other issues such as your feeling of being misplaced in this culture or your parents?
These are questions you need to be asking yourself. This is critical time for you to do some inner assessment so that you can let go of the things that do not serve you. Inner work before outer transformation.
When you choose, ask yourself: Is this choice about my long term goal or instant gratification? Will this choice move me forward or keep me stuck in the past? Will this choice honor me or disrespect me? Will this choice empower me or disempower me? Harm me or serve me?
Get support in either the form of a therapist or a coach. Do the work now so your future is better then your past.