A few years ago I found out my husband was talking to women online, meeting up with them in hotel rooms at night, and getting drunk. I have been a very good mom and wife and have tried to live a Christian life in spite of him lying to our children and his secretive plans to divorce me and avoid paying child support.
Our divorce has been final for four months now and I can’t understand why my children keep running to him after what he did to all of us. If it had been me who’d met up with men, etc…I guarantee that they wouldn’t even speak to me again! I think it’s because he has made our children believe their mom is “crazy”. He knew I wouldn’t tell them of his goings-on and he took full advantage of that. And yet, when their backs were turned, he would pretend he had a weapon in his hand, give me a scary look, and act like he was going to kill me. Then he would immediately turn it off and act like a “normal” father.
It’s so frustrating that my kids still don’t ‘get it.’ How should I handle this with them? My mistake is that I was not more vocal and I guess it was because I was scared of him.
Love your children more than you resent your ex. Kids love their parents and although you don’t think it is fair that they cannot see the truth about him, they really don’t need to see that at this point in their lives. Kids need to feel loved and supported and we have to let go of our negative feelings regarding our ex when it comes to our kids.
Notice that you might not have ever stood up to him over the course of your marriage, that you were scared of him. If that is true, what can you do now to address that issue? Set boundaries that keep you safe and secure. Decide on what you will accept and won’t accept as it pertains to his behavior towards you. If he mistreats you whenever he is around then set specific limits to your exposure to him. If he upsets when you talk to him, don’t talk to him directly unless it is absolutely necessary. Let him know that you will not accept certain behaviors anymore.
Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.