Sexless Marriage: Are You Turning Yourself Inside Out Trying to Get His Interest?
December 29, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under cathymeyer, Love & Intimacy, Reflections, The Ex, Wisdom Gained, Women's Sexuality
I became a slut for my ex. I was open to anything he wanted to do sexually. I guess it’s good for me that there wasn’t much he was interested in sexually…least of all me. I was so desperate for a husband who wanted sex with me I shutter when I think of how vulnerable I became. Vulnerability clouds your judgment, skews your thinking and keeps you from seeing the reality of a situation.
When I think about other women in a marriage that can be defined as “sexless” that is what I think about. Are these women in marriage similar to mine? Are they holding onto hope that things will change, that one day they will be desired sexually? Will they find out, like I did that a man who can’t make an intimate connection can’t make a connection of any kind? Are they not seeing the reality of the situation?
How do you define a sexless marriage? Some experts call marriages that average 10 or less “intimate couplings” a year “sexless.” I recently read that an estimated 18% of marriages become passionless and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm in some. Are those marriages amongst those who have been married for decades though?
How about us who suffer sexual rejection from the beginning. The passion hasn’t faded, there isn’t a loss of interest after years of marriage. That, when I think about it seems easy to live with when compared to what my marriage was like.
While dating we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or he behaved in ways that lead me to believe he was interested. His interest came to an end the night we married. We didn’t have sex that night and averaged sex every 6 to 8 weeks from then on. Being the problem solver that I am I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.
And like most women, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex with me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn’t care for sex in general. It was ME, if only I were more sexual, slimmer, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually he would come around.
I read a lot of advice geared toward women in sexless marriages. I took most of the advice and in hindsight realize more often than not it was nothing more than sleazy and useless tips on how to be sexier and arouse your man. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which now seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of most women who have probably already done all they can to arouse their husband and becoming an amateur porn star doesn’t really improve things … it only serves to make a woman feel worse about herself!
So, although I can’t tell a woman who has found herself in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest she not do as I did. The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn’t want to “make love.”
What did I learn?
There is no easy solution.
It wasn’t about ME. And, it isn’t about YOU. The focus should have been on fixing HIM and not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want sex. If you take anything away from this article, I hope it is the knowledge that you are desirable, not in need of change, are not doing anything wrong and most importantly can’t fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.
I think there’s a lot of wisdom – and common sense – in this article. From reading I’ve done, in some cases marital sex life is a reflection of disconnects in other areas of the marriage (or other areas in general). In other instances, as in the example you describe – some of us fall in love with men who just aren’t that “into it” – and while this defies the image that most women have of men in general, I agree completely. It becomes our problem, but it isn’t ours to fix.
Where that leaves the marriage? Or a relationship if you’re in love with a man (not your spouse) who’s just not that into it?
I guess it depends on how important it is to you.
I hope women pay attention to your point. I also wonder, however, if a couple can speak openly about the subject, and at least discuss the sharing of physical affection of any sort, if that wouldn’t ease some of the isolation and self-deprecation that results.
Honest communication would have eased the isolation I felt. I think the same can be said about most people in my situation.
My ex didn’t think he had a problem though. In his mind I had a problem. He had antiquated ideas about women and sex and I think he thought less of me because I was a sexual being. He never said as much but I’m pretty sure in his mind my desire for sex was disgusting.
It isn’t easy to communicate an issue if the person with the issue denies the problem.
I had the exact same problem as the writer of this article.When I finally gave up and said the marraige was over,he finally told me his problem as he had nothing left to lose.I found out that he had a sexual addiction to fantasy and masturbation and was more comfortable engaging in this,than engaging with me,a real and very attractive young woman.(He came from a very strict Baptist family).It is never you.
Good article….God bless all who read this and hear the Spirit of the Word.