Is The Way You Process Data About Your Ex Keeping You From Having a “Successful Divorce?”
March 2, 2011 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under cathymeyer, Editor's Picks, Grief & Anger
There is a human phenomenon psychologist’s call selective attention.
Human beings have a natural tendency to pay attention only to data that supports their pre-existing point of view or desire. Information that contradicts their beliefs or wishes is filtered-out of their awareness. Obviously this practice can lead to severely distorted notions of people and events and to making very poor choices and decisions.
I see this selective attention “phenomenon” in many divorced clients I work with. Once it is decided there will be a divorce one or the other spouse will begin to rewrite the history of the marriage and especially the biography of the person they were married to.
The ex becomes evil and this sort of thinking is most prevalent in the one seeking a divorce. Why? Guilt, shame a way to justify their actions. We feel better about ourselves if the ex is evil and we had no choice but to leave.
What is wrong with this kind of thinking? It takes away any chance of a civil divorce. It damages any children of the marriage and God forbid an adversarial attorney become involved with the selective attention thinker. You can kiss a large chunk of your marital assets goodbye if this happens.
I remember my ex as being a kind and loving man. He was a great father and as long as he had us, up until the day he left we never wanted for anything. He had his issues just as I did. He could be hurtful but in no way was he evil. Being able to remember him in this way enables me to see him as human…someone who makes mistakes but isn’t evil.
It helps me to continue to try and have a civil relationship with him. Something we should all strive to have with an ex-spouse.
He on the other hand, remembers me as being the cause of all his misery. An abusive shrew that kept him from living the life he wanted to live. His revision of who I was in the marriage and who I am as a person keeps him from being able to see me as human. I have to be seen as the evil one in order for him to continue to feel good about himself and the destructive decisions he has made since leaving the marriage.
Because of this he will never be able to have a civil relationship with me.
Just as our marriage failed, so has our divorce. The key to a successful divorce is the ability of both spouses to see each other as flawed human beings, not as evil beings.
Is the way you process data about your ex keeping you from having a “successful divorce?”
Author Bio: Jan Meacham practices Family and Marriage therapy in Nashville, TN. Jan is in the process of writing her fist book about her own experience with the divorce process and it’s aftermath.
Hey Cathy,
Great post! My situation is same, except that it is wife that has gone on to doing nasty things, then she came back and told me to be the cause of all her misery. We did have few problems. I told her to hang on, but she thinks she can get everything she wants. At any rate she’s gotten together with a married man, who told her he won’t divorce his wife and leave kids for her, but she kept on having these illusions… these are facts.
At any rate I’ve been supporting her, but I don’t have Mercedes S class… yet I am the bad man. Never ever cheated on her.
I am puzzled, guess some people have relationship in mind others have just motivations, as friends around tell me, she wants back now. Now that he told her to stay away. She’s being mean and sarcastic to me, though when she calls. Soon she’ll taste a little bit of ce’la’vie =)
Cheers! (i don’t drink btw)
Doesn’t the one wanting the divorce often rewrite the marriage history? My ex filed and what little he would say to me, described a marriage I wasn’t present at much of the time. He clearly was suffering for a long time but declined to discuss it with me. Pretty sad really, the whole thing. To throw away 20 years of marriage, for what? I wonder if he has regrets when I look at him now. I don’t ponder long anymore. You have to move forward.
I’ve been the monster is the divorce. My husband had lover for about a year prior to me finding out and filing. Divorce has been pending for a year. Reading through all of his court documents and rebuttals, he clearly was very unhappy yet I did not see it. The way he portrayed me, and still does as well as his family, makes me seem like a person who is mentally ill, abusive, etc.
Mediation failed twice .. over a few hundred dollars. 3 court dates were cancelled due to one thing or another from his side. I’m in debt $10,000.
He has completed stopped communicating with me, has not seen his oldest children (who discovered the affair) in over year, and has limited visits with our youngest .. who he takes to restaurants and toy stores regularly.
Surprisingly, I am getting better and better each day. With the help of professionals, I reconstructed our 30 year relationship, owned my demons, and set aside the rest.
It’s still sad on a deep level.