Being the Second Wife: When The Ex-Wife Won’t Get Out of The Way

Submitted by: Lee Block

I am the Second Wife, and being the Second Wife Sucks.

When you get divorced, there is a very real possibility you will meet someone who is also divorced and more than likely has children.  This brings a whole wealth of issues into relationship.  I am remarried.  My new husband is divorced with children.  This is my story.

I am the second wife.  I don’t mean wife #2, because I am actually wife #3.  I mean the second wife.  As in, more than one.  Yes, folks, my hubby is a bigamist without committing bigamy.  How is that possible?

He has his wife, me.  He has his ex, her.  I am wife #2 and she is wife #1.  She gets all the concessions of being first wife, without the sex and the shit that goes along with being the present wife.  She decides that I am not allowed to be around his children.  She decides that he can’t take them on vacation.  She decides that he can go with them on vacation, but only if I am left at home, and she is there.  She decides that I am not allowed at any life cycle events.

As wife #2, I get the honors of having sex when he wants, picking up his dry cleaning and cleaning up after him.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  Wife #1 lives with the kids in another city.  He goes to said city to work and see kids.  I have no idea what they do together as a “family”.

Why can’t I be his family WITH his children?  That’s the million dollar question!  He is my family with MY children.

I have put a LOT of thought into this issue.  And, yes it is an issue, not a problem.  A problem would indicate there was a solution or a trying to work it out, and that is not the case here.  First, there is the guilt.  The guilt he feels when his kids and his ex tell him he ruined their lives and broke up the family.  Because of this guilt, he bends over backwards to do what they want and how they want.  But where does that leave me, the real wife?

It leaves me as the second wife.  Just like in the olden times when the King had a harem.  I live in the shadows.  In the back room.  I am visited when the King is horny or lonely.  I have perks of not worrying about a roof over my head or food on my table.  But, I am not the Queen, and will never be the Queen.


Lee Block is the vision behind the Post-Divorce Dating Club.  An online site where divorced men and women can mix, mingle and maybe meet.  A community of like-minded individuals not just for dating, but for learning and growing and maybe marriage.  Post-Divorce Dating Club offline is currently located in Houston, Texas, with plans to exand nationwide.  When Lee is not working on the launch of her Club, she can be found writing at The Post-Divorce Chronicles and Coaching at Post Divorce Group, LLC.

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  1. 1

    kristen says

    I think you need to accept how his children feel about you even if that’s not how he feels about you. The fact is, your husband was married before. He has children. Your marriage with him will never erase that, nor should it even attempt to. Accept what you cannot change. If you can’t be happy, leave.

  2. 2

    Shelley says

    you should not be left out, and your marriage is not a marriage, he is still acting married to her. I am sad for you. Move on if he cannot include you in everything.

  3. 3

    Sonia says

    I have to wonder why you married a man who left his wife and children and broke up his family. Of course he feels guilty. So he should.

  4. 4

    Alice says

    I am living everything you are living. It is so frustrating and heartwrenching that even though this woman is part of his “past”, she still controls the present and will undoubtedly preside over the future. I completely understand.

  5. 5

    Ally says

    Replace every ’2nd wife’ with ‘girlfriend’ and ladies and gents you have my future. Future because we are long distance for the time being. But it’s like this, I just don’t have to deal with it as much yet. The heartbreaking part is he dosnt want to get married again. I can’t help but feel that he loves her more because he married her and had children with her. Something I can never have with him.

  6. 6

    Kyla says

    Ok I am a second wife! Married to this man for 25 years , I have 2 bonus children and we have one together! I am also a child of divorce I knew the games the kids would play and the ex wife I never went through anything like this. The only thing was when his kids came for the weekend he said his exwife said no kissing hello or hugging in front of the kids! I said this is my home and I want our daughter to see affection! No one not even an ex wife has the right to control my home! If you are not attending family situations and he is allowing his ex wife to dictate and he is going along with it than…. He has a great set up !!! Play family man with her and carefree couple with you!!! He is not to blame. She is not to blame YOU are to blame because you are allowing it!!! Stand up for yourself and your life if he doesn’t like it walk!!! If you don’t take a stand than nothing will change! Decide if he is worth a life time of happiness with someone else!!

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