Being the “Dumper,” How Does the One Who Left Feel?

WARNING: If you have the personality of a “dumpee” or have recently been a “dumpee,” you may not want to read this post. While I  have complete sympathy for the pain you have suffered and the grief you are experiencing, this post is not for you. This is about the other side, and how we often forget all of the pain and suffering the “dumper” has experienced. On the other hand, if you want to learn what it is like to be a dumper than read on–you may see a side you never have considered.

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In general when a relationship ends, whether it be a marriage, a long-term love or just a few weeks of dating, there are two parties involved–the dumper and the dumpee. The difference being that the dumper is the one who ends the relationship while the dumpee has the relationship ended for them.

Most of the time our attention goes immediately to the dumpee because they tend to feel hurt and they are the one who was left. As compassionate people we reach out to them, show our support, encourage, and often tell them the things we think they need to hear in order to heal. That is only normal. No compassionate person is going to hit the dumpee while they are down with questions like “What about the dumper?”

The problem with this situation is there are still two parties involved. Two parties that experience an equal amount of difficulty. Yes I said EQUAL. Equal, although very different. During my divorce I read a book where the author described divorce like death. It was the death of the same relationship, however the type of death experienced by either party was very different.

For the one who was left, the death was sudden and unexpected and the grief is filled with strong emotions. For the one who did the leaving, the death was similar to a death following a prolonged illness, which included a grief  that began long before the actual death. When the death actually took place, there came a sadness but also a great deal of relief.

As the dumper, you do not experience the “surprise” or feeling of being left, you experience a whole other set of emotions. There is guilt for hurting someone, frustration with how to deal with things, the decisions (made all alone) on how to deal with every situation, sadness, withdrawal, grief, all of the things that the dumpee feels only they are taking place during the relationship instead of after the relationship ends.

Depending on the situation and circumstances the dumper may spend days, weeks, months, or even years, with all of these emotions weighing on them and in most cases unable to share those feelings because the relationship is still somewhat intact, even if only superficially.

The dumpee on the other hand can immediately start talking to friends and family and begin the healing process of trying to make it right in their minds. They do not have to suffer any of the pain alone like the dumper who does not receive the immediate compassion from others except from the select group of dumpers that relate, and many times that only occurs after the breakup.

Not to mention the fact that at that point, the word is spread, lines are drawn between friends and family and the dumper immediately becomes the bad guy/girl. So not only does the dumper have to suffer through the emotions alone, they now have to deal with the loss of some friends and the judgment of others. But here we are, compassionate and caring and taking care of the dumpee.

Why is it that we feel so compelled to help the one who was left but the one that did the leaving has to do it all alone? Is it really that difficult to understand that the dumper has feelings too?

It wasn’t until after my divorce that a friend of mine told me there are two types of people, dumpers and dumpees and you are one or the other. More importantly while you may be able to sympathize with the other, you can never truly relate or understand all that they go through and experience unless you are of the same type.

As a dumper, which is the personality trait I have always taken on, I can better understand all of the things that relate to those types of experiences. While I certainly have empathy for a dumpee, I can honestly say I feel more commiseration with the dumper.

Like I said I have always had the personality of a dumper. There is not one relationship I have ever been involved in that I was not the dumper. For all of you dumpee’s out there that may have not headed my warning above and are still reading, do not mistake being a dumper with not being able to maintain or enjoy a relationship long-term. And DO NOT think that a dumper can only be a dumper because they lack feeling and are heartless. That is far from the truth.

Even as I write this, there is a part of me that knows I will never be able to get through to a dumpee because 1) I can’t truly relate with them and 2) they can’t associate with my feelings. Although I could sit here and write out all of the feelings I experienced in my divorce, most of you would dismiss them and blame me for one thing or another because I was the dumper. I think the only way to truly give you a glimpse into the pain a dumper experiences is to recap the loss of my relationship years ago with my husband now.

We had been together for more than five years and our love was strong, passionate and young. Young because we were young, not young meaning new. We had not grown into the people we are now who can talk about anything and talk about everything and without that communication even a love as strong as ours can struggle. We were still trying to find ourselves while trying to be together. But even with growing pains, I truly never believed we would be anything other than Jeff and Carrie, always and forever.

Slowly my world was changing. I was in search of myself and he was in search of himself. In that, he made one minor mistake but a mistake that, in my youth, I could not get past. It caused me so much hurt, pain and grief that it didn’t matter how many times he apologized or what explanation he gave. I loved him more than anything and I knew he loved me the same way. But as a dumper, my pain was set aside. I spent countless hours running through all of the options. I agonized over how to move forward. Now granted if I could go back today, as the woman I am now, I would have made a different decision but at the time the only decision I felt I could make was to end the relationship. Even though he tried over and over to talk me into reconsidering, I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. As much as he thought I was hurting him (which I was) he did not see the nights of crying myself to sleep. He never saw the struggles I had with deciding and the tears shed over asking him to leave. Even though my pain went on for longer than you can imagine, I never allowed him to see it and really as the dumper, I didn’t feel I had a right to show it.

So was I the one left, no. But I did feel the pain and equally as much. Absolutely, and in my mind, more. I think it is fair to say that my pain is always going to feel more real and justified than someone else’s. If we were honest, isn’t that how we all feel?

My question to you is “what about the dumper?” Why is it we often forget about them and instead just place blame? Don’t they deserve our compassion as well? Or as the dumper are we just expected to suck it up and deal with the decision we made? Not that we would take back our decisions because unlike the story above, in most of our situations although we have suffered in the process of making those decisions we are secure in them –I know that I experienced great pain in my divorce although I have no doubt it was the right decision.

So again I ask “What about the dumper?”

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    “Is it really that difficult to understand that the dumper has feelings too?”

    Carrie it has little to do with not understanding that their are hurt feelings on both sides of the situation or assigning blame.

    I’ve always been big on attempting to view a situation from not only my perspective but the perspective of others involved. When my ex left I spent a lot of time feeling compassion for him and his pain. Which he seemed to believe he deserved. Funny thing is, he showed no compassion for his children or I. It was ALL ABOUT HIM.

    Our children and I were in therapy and I remember one particular session with the therapist when he said to me, “enough worrying about his pain, he is the only one with any control in this situation and the fact that he has control makes his pain a hell of a lot less significant than the pain of the family he left behind.”

    It was at that moment that I realized that the majority of my pain came from the fact that my husband had taken away any control I had over the future of our family and let me tell you, the one in control, the one driving the situation DOES NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LEFT BEHIND TO PICK UP THE PIECES.

    The dumper gets to make decisions and choices. The dumpee gets to clean up the mess left behind by the decisions the dumper made. I’ve been both, the dumper and the dumpee and believe me I’d lots rather do the leaving than to ever be left again.

    When you’ve been dumped by someone you love, left with children to raise, financially strapped and missing the security that having an intact family brings both you and your children then I might feel you have a right to who feels the most pain or who deserves the most compassion and support.

  2. 2

    says

    Cathy,

    I don’t believe it is a matter of the one or the other deserving more compassion or support. I do believe that in general the dumpee receives more compassion and support. I am only trying to point out that it is difficult on both ends and no matter how things may appear to the outside world, there are two sides to the story and two people with feelings. Both situations are difficult to be in.

  3. 3

    says

    Hello Everyone.

    This is a reallife account from ‘Mike” (not his real name) a member of one of our Divorce Recovery Groups , who was the “dumper” (not a nice term, i know). As he says in the last line “we all suffer through it (a relationship breakdown).”

    Comment From Mike:

    “When i hear about relationships between people , or marriages, whatever the case may be, breaking up, for whatever reason, i feel for them-i really do, because i know the pain they are going to go through-everyone goes through it in one way,shape or form. Initially one will hurt more than the other,in the beginning, normally the “dumpee”, the person that gets left behind. The person that leaves, the”dumper”,thinks they’ve done the right thing, and they may have. But at some period of time, maybe at a later stage ,they go through a lot of pain too-in my case 18 months later and i just couldnt appreciate how that could happen: that after 18 months of me making the “decision”, i was the dumper, thinking i’d “moved on” and living in what i thought was my own “single man’s paradise”,after 18 months i found myself falling apart. So i empathise with people-i think we all suffer through it (a relationship breakdown).

    So, yes , whilst the emotions may differ , both the ‘dumpee’ and ‘dumper’ will struggle with strong emotions.

    Regards

    James

  4. 4

    says

    I didn’t understand the bitterness and anger projected toward me by my first wife after our divorce.
    Then my second wife left me for another man. Now I get it. It hurts.
    But now I also understand just how unhappy my second wife must have been. At least as unhappy as I was at the end of my first marriage.
    It’s tough for both.

  5. 5

    says

    Savvy Sisters Say it is difficult on both ends. This seems like a game of “mine is bigger” only in this case we are talking about pain and suffering. Every person is different as is every situation. We agree that the dumpee gets the most sympathy. We believe the dumper (in many cases) has gone through a long, slow and painful process leading to the decision to leave.

  6. 6

    Barb says

    I will be filing shortly to divorce my 2nd husband. In both cases I am the “dumper” However, I do not consider myself to be the “destroyer” of the marriage in either case. Both of my husbands have serious emotional and mental issues, including severe depression, sexual addiction and abusiviness. I’m just lumping all of that into both, I was married the first time for 13 years, this time, 22, separated 2 of those recently.

    Over and over I begged in each relationship for communication and to work things out. Both these guys just wanted a stabilizing influence a “wife”. I did not exist as a human being, just as a role. I stayed and stayed, for various reasons, 5 kids total, trying to establish a decent income. But in the end, in both cases, I was honest all along about what needed to change for me to stay, I even narrowed it down to a few simple things like wanting my husband to not verbally abuse me and having sex more than once every 6 months. Everything else was negotiable. Then when I left, it was “You abandoned me” Well, he abandoned me long, long ago. All he wanted was someone to take care of him, totally selfish, never was my turn. So, he can piss and moan and he will draw someone else in with his sad story, but so much of what he will tell the compassionate audience is b.s.. Had he taken responsibility to build the marriage, he would not have been left behind.

  7. 7

    says

    Barb,

    I am sorry to hear about your rough go at marriage. Those of us who are the “dumpers” are often blamed as being the “destroyer” in the marriage. Funny how it takes two be married but only one to ruin it?–I think not. There are two people the entire time. Two people to blame. Two people involved. Both of those people are to blame.

    Good luck to you.

    ~Carrie

  8. 8

    Zazoo says

    I don’t think of it as dump/er/ee although I can understand people feeling that way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you come to the point when you realize that walking away is the sane thing to do. All the same, I can remember seeing that little paper bag in the back of my ex’s car with his toothbrush and toothpaste in it and feeling like the worse person in the world. Leaving my ex was the meanest thing I have ever done to anyone because I took our child with me but it was the only way to make the craziness stop – or at least that is what I thought at the time. I realize now, the craziness never stops but at least I don’t have to deal with it 24/7.

  9. 9

    says

    Yes, both dumpee and dumper suffer , even if the timing is different. The dumper has often agonised for many years before actually making the decision to leave the relationship.

  10. 10

    tkcevolving says

    As I read through the comment of the dumpers, I wonder, how many instances during the marriage was there very real and valid attmpts to communicate and talk issues through with the partner that you made a committment to? Not trying to throw judgement here, but there any many references to the “dumper” going through and sufferein pain within the marriage. Withdrawal and self-focus often cause marriages to end without any attempts to actually do the work that both partners deserve. I know that isn’t the case with every situation, but it seems like the overwhelming majority.

  11. 11

    says

    Hi tkcevolving, from my experience , its often a very complex set of reasons and issues , that culminate eventually in a relationship breakdown. Communication is critical in any relationship, the problem is that many (most??)people dont know HOW to really communicate and express whats ‘really’ going on for them ,(ditto , the ‘listening’ side of communication. We run workshops for people going through relationship breakdowns. As second and third marriages have a higher “failure’ rates , we really emphasize the importance of learning real communication skills . By learning this and other skills we hopefully have a better chance of resolving issues in future relationships. If we dont , chances are we take the same issues and communication style into our next relationship-sometimes with the same outcome, sadly.

  12. 12

    Aquarius says

    I am a dumper too and really appreciated this post. I was with my husband for over 25 years (married 22). I had though about divorce several times. It was agonizing living with a man whom I had no feelings for any longer. An affair for me was the catalyst for finally ending it. I stayed in the marriage due to fear of being alone and more importantly hurting my husband. But we were both very unhappy, stubborn and set in our ways. We had been to counseling over the years but in the end, I was done. Maybe it’s mid life crisis for me but I just knew I was lonely even when I was with him. I was 19 when I met him and didn’t even know who I was. I felt like some caged animal in our relationship. Now I feel I’ve been freed from that feeling altough it’s very tough. Thanks for sharing and I agree the dumper gets little sympathy but it was our choice and we’ve got to deal with it.

  13. 13

    Susan says

    For me it is all about how the person who ends the relationship ended it. Did they share their issues about the marriage with their spouse? Did they seek individual and marriage counseling? Especially if there were children, did they do everything they could to make it work? And if they did do everything they could did they do all of this before they let someone else into their life? Because if the let someone else into their life before doing all they could to make it work then it really was a waste of effort. Were they truthful with their spouse? Did they have honest and open discussions with their spouse about what they were feeling – or not feeling – before they decided to leave? Or did they keep that all to themselves and then spring it on their spouse? Or even worse, let their spouse find out by “accident”? So, yes, there are some dumpers who I would feel sorry for. But, only those who did everything they could to be open and honest. There are respectful, honerable ways to end a marriage and there are dishonest, awful ways to end a marriage.

  14. 14

    Cindy says

    I think it depends how the relationship ended. For example if someone is caught cheating and the spouse finds out. The dumper would be an object of contempt, and deservedly so. On the other hand, if a woman ‘dumps’ her husband because he is a drug addict or an abuser, then the woman is the one I would feel sorry for, even if she is the ‘dumper’. This is way to broad and situations cannot simply put into two categories, the dumper and dumpee.

  15. 15

    Sonia says

    Exactly, Cindy. If it turns out a spouse has been cheating and lying to the other spouse–living a lie–then what the dumper gets to experience upon revelation is layer upon layer of pain over the betrayal and blameshifting by the husband or wife who is having the affair. The adulterous person often feels little pain because they’ve moved on to their shiny new affair partner.

  16. 16

    Mike says

    Well in my case my wife of 22 years gave me no reason other than “I have not been happy in quite a while” and left. We never had a fight or serious argument the whole time, and I’d asked repeatedly the last two months what was bothering her when she began to appeared distant. This happened to a man who for all intents and purposes was considered a “great catch”, I did at least 60% of laundry, meals and child rearing because I had a home office. I never fooled around, gambled or came home drunk and supported my wife in whatever she wanted to do. My biggest crime appears to be becoming predictable, typical “Dad” and no longer the exciting guy she married.

  17. 17

    JB says

    In the first comment the poster talkes of the dumpee having no choices, but in my marriage it was not that way. I did not want to get divorced. I worked at communicating and compromising, and working on issues throughout our marriage. I could not change him, so I worked on myself, hoping that it would improve things.

    He did have a choice. He had the choice to ignore my pleas that we work on the marriage, or to get down to business and work on it with me. Over and over, he chose to ignore me. As long as I stayed, then everything was OK with him. Eventually, after all hope was exhausted, I left. We were married close to 30 years. It was an agonizing decision for me…I felt awful for not knowing how to make it work and for having to break my vow to stay together forever. So I’m the dumper. And, as you mentioned, I get very little sympathy while he soaks up the sympathy from our church and friends.

    A dumpee can sometimes have checked out of a marriage (even one that looks fine from the outside) many years ago….and then is “surprised” when they are dumped. My marriage was full of the pain of being married to a passive agressive partner. People don’t see the shenanigans taking place in a marriage to an angry, but quietly passive aggressive person. When I see people getting divorced now, I try to remember that outsiders never really know what goes on within a marriage. There maybe much more than we can see from our position as friends of that couple.

  18. 18

    Jason says

    my wife and i were together 12 years and married for 6. She left me 6 weeks ago saying she wanted space. she left on the Monday and by the Friday was dating another local man. They are now in a “serious” relationship, renting a house and moving in all in the space of 6 weeks. I have been left with the house to pay for and most of the debt. The only grace is she has agreed to 50/50 access to our 4 year old daughter. I knew things were wrong in the relationship for sometime but chose to ignore it. Im not sure i was “in love” with her for sometime and she has told me that she realised quite a while ago she didnt love me anymore and wanted to leave, and that meeting this other guy gave her the strength to do so
    ive been through all the emotions that come with being dumped but the further i go on this road the more i see it was the right decision. I miss her and our life we had but if its not working then you have to move on
    I sometimes feel alone and isolated – no family close, most of the friends we had she has taken her new fella to meet etc.
    Being dumped is hard but life is like that, all this has taught me valuable lessons on standing on my own 2 feet, understanding who i really am and learning to love myself and appreciate what i have got

  19. 19

    Harry says

    Very interesting topic: “the view point of the Dumper”.

    Regardless of who is the Dumper or Dumpee, I think we often try to find out who is to blame, which partner had the most destructive influence on the relationship, which partner was worst at communicating or did not communicate at all….basically who is the major offender either in the entire relationship or just in the way the relationship ended?
    I believe there are different type of ways to how relationships end. Meaning that each relationship is very different. Some relationships, both partners were to blame (both did not communicate, both were selfish, both did not compromise)….However there are relationship where one of the sides are the major offenders (they shutdown, did not communicate, abusive, selfish) regardless of how much the other side tried to keep the relationship a float, tried to be patient, tried to communicate, took both partners to counselling and therapy….etc. whatever.

    This basically means there is not one single type of dumper!
    There are dumpers who dumped someone that was trying to possibly abuse them, and hurt them. These dumpers may have tried everything to help the person they dumped with no use. These dumpers maybe have saved themselves and even helped the person they dumped by ending such a terrible relationship.
    But there are also dumpers that have been feeling hurt and crying for many days/weeks/months while planning how to dump the other person without clearly or effectively communicating these feelings to that person. In some cases the person who was dumped did not pick up on signals the dumper gave out, which could be feelings of hurt, neglect, lack of confidence in the relationship, frustration…etc. This is one of the cases where people will say that the person that got dumped also had a role to play in the break up.
    However, in many cases the major cause of this huge grief and shock that is so often described by Dumpees, is the lack of communication of the Dumper, very often hiding her/his feelings for prolonged periods. They cry alone, not having the courage to tell the other person what they are feeling, trying to hold on and see if things change, in some cases not even being honest with themselves, trying to convince themselves that they or the situation will change in time. They get so frustrated and depressed….they finally explode by ending the relationship suddenly….shocking the other partner completely!
    Is the dumper the one to be blamed??? In some cases not at all, sometimes only a little…..But I believe in many cases they have a major role in the way the relationship breaks up and how they have affected the person they have dumped. There are good dumpers, the ones who have compassion and patience for their partners, who are not so selfish and communicate the ending of the relationship in a way that minimizes the hurt, hate and grief that is often left behind. But there are also bad dumpers that are possibly selfish, absorbed in their own pain (before the actual break up), lack patience and communication.
    Conclusion: Dumpers are human in the end…..there are good people that dump others and there are bad people that dumped others, there are dumpers that have many flaws and have made many mistakes in the actual relationship and in the way they ended it. Some dumpers quickly learn from their mistakes and others don’t, some dumpers feel guilty even several years after the relationship has ended, others move on because they have nothing to feel guilty about.
    I believe it is very important to learn and become stronger from your past relationships for both the Dumper and Dumpee. To learn from your mistakes, to learn how to become a more compassionate person, to keep both legs on the ground even if you are in love and in the most passionate state of your new relationship, to have patience and understanding for others, and not to be selfish.

  20. 20

    April says

    i WISH I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT MY “DUMPER” IS FEELING, AND WHAT HE IS THINKING BUT WE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 YEARS. WE HAVE A VERY VIVACIOUS , EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT, LITTLE GIRL WHO LOVES HER MAMA AND HER DADDY! ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO MY HUSBAND STRUCK ME SEVERAL TIMES IN FRONT IF HER AND I CAN STILL HEAR HER TERRIFIED SCREAMS AND THEN AGAIN just a week ago HE TORE ALL MY DESK DRAWERS OUT OF MY DESK AND WHILE SCREAM OBSCENITIES, SLAM THEM ALL IN FLOOR AND AT ME ,WHILE SHE WAS HITTING HIM AND CRYING AND SCREAMIN, “NO, DADDY!” OVER AND OVER! HE HAS PHYSICALLY ABUSED ME SINCE WE BEEN TOGETHER, NOT EVERYDAY AND SOMETIMES FOR NOT MONTHS AT A TIME, AND EVEN WHILE I WAS PREGNANT! I MUST SOUND LIKE A FOOL TO HAVE NEVER LEFT, BUT ON TOP OF ALL THE PHYSICAL ABUSE, LAY A MAN WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR AND A CHRONIC CHEATER! I AM EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED WHEN I LOOK BACK THROUGHOUT THE HISTORY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AND ALL THE TIMES I HAVE CAUGHT HIM CHEATING OR ATTEMPTING TO CHEAT , ALL THE TIMES HE HAS BEATEN ME, KICKED ME IN THE HEAD WITH HIS STEEL TOE BOOTS ,ALL WITH NO APOLOGY OF ANY KIND . THE LIST GOES ON, BUT IM SURE THAT YOU GET THE PICTURE OR SOME OF IT. I , ON THE OTHER HAND, DURING THIS MARRIAGE, DID NOT WORK AND HE ONLY 4 YEARS OF IT AT A REAL JOB! WHEN HE WAS WORKING FOR HIMSELF , CUTTING FIREWOOD AND HAULING IT, I WAS ALONG TO HELP, AND OF COURSE WHEN OUR LITTLE GIRL WAS BORN, I TOOK CARE OF HER, AND THEN WHEN SHE TURNED 3 yrs old I STARTED BACK TO COLLEGE AND I AM STILL IN COLLEGE WORKING ON MY DEGREE. DURING MY HUSBANDS 4 YEARS OF REAL EMPLOYMENT, HE WAS A toolpusher for an oil rig, and would work 7 days and be home 7 days! at first , we would go up and stay with him on rig almost every weekend, he had his own 1 bedroom mobile home they provided, although it was against policy, but this rig was a little laid back, too much so. well then i started going to school and the rig visits became less often maybe every other weekend or maybe a day or so in the week, if i were out of school, then he told me that the owner had caught wind of people staytin out there, and we couldn’t go anymore, his employer was subject to make surprise visits. didn’t question him as this all sounded so logical, not til later i find out that his company man and several of the crew were spending their weekends in the strip clubs, and sleeping with the female hot shot drivers, i discovered this after a sudden uncontrollable feeling that something was amiss and rode over to rig at 11pm. seeing his truck parked in front of his trailer and no signs of a female being on location,such as a little car or suv, just old trucks and equipment. upon entry i discover an empty desk and entering the living quarters beyond the front office area, i see his recliner he usually sleeps in when we are not there, empty. don’t know why that didn’t set off bells then. so i continued on toward the bedroom. the lights were off and i could see his outline laying there , and immediately scolded myself for thinking something was going on again and decided i would tell him i just wanted to surprise him, and instead , when the lights came on, my eyes went to the pony tail on the other side of the bed, with sheet pulled up over face asleep like him. instantly i was over her pounding her face, not even realizing my keys were still in my hand . about the third time i hit her , he came alive and the look in his eyes, was of real genuine surprise! he reached out his arms and said”no, dont ! she works….” he did not finish his sentence , because he didnt want me to know she worked delivering parts for rig. then i realized that the botgh of them were naked under the sheet, and i looked down at her AND FINALLY SAW HER FACE AND HER TOOTHLESS MOUTH AS HER DENTURES WERE OUT, AND UGLY AS HELL , AND I HIT HARDER AND FASTER ,MY HUSBAND WAS ATTEMPTING TO STOP THE BLOWS BUT WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HIMSELF COVERED I EXTENDED MY ARM AND PLANTED MY FIST IN HIS TESTICLES AND WENT BACK TO HITTING THE OLDER WOMAN . THEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS PANTS AND PULLED ME FROM HER AND ALL I COULD SCREAM WAS “WHY?” OVER AND OVER AND OVER… I WAS SO ANGRY AT HER AND AT HIM AND I KEPT TRYING TO GET HER AGAIN BUT HE KEPT PUSHING ME FURTHER INTO KITCHEN AND I WAS SCREAMIN AND CRYIN AND HE PUSHED ME UP AGAINST THE BAR SO SHE COULD RUN OUT THE DOOR AND THEN I SEE SHE WAS DRIVING A 1 TON WITH A GOOSENECK TRAILER, SO MUCH FOR STEREOTYPING FEMALE RIDES. AFTER A MILLION “WHY’S?” HE ONLY SAID ” I THOUGHT I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.!” AND THAT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAD CHEATED , NOR THE LAST… HE CHEATED WITH MY BEST FRIEND , FRIENDS SINCE 4TH GRADE., AN AFFAIR RATHER, FOR A YEAR, ALTHOUGH I DIDNT FIND OUT ABOUT IT TIL ME AND MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AND HAD SPENT COUNTLESS DAYS BOWLING, SWIMMING, BOATING, BBQING WITH HER AND HER HUSBAND, AND HER CHILDREN, WHO WE WERE NAMED AS THEIR GOD PARENTS. SHE HAD BEEN TELLING US THAT HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN going CRAZY WITH HER and ACCUSING HER OF CHEATING WITH MY HUSBAND , HER HUSBAND’S BEST FRIEND AS WELL. BUT HE NEVER WOULD SAY IT TO US ONLY WHEN THEY WERE HOME AND SHE WOULD CALL US OR RUSH OVER UPSET SAYING THAT HE WAS TRYIN TO GET PHYSICAL OVER THE ACCUSED INFIDELITY. HAD ME THINKIN HE WAS GOING NUTS..I JUST DIDNT SEE IT. BUT ONE DAY SHE WAS GOT TO DRINKING AND MAYBE THOUGHT SHE WAS BEIN MORE COVERT, BUT I THOUGHT I SEEN HER MAKING SIGNALS AT MY HUSBAND AS HE WAS COOKIN ON THE GRILL AND /OR MOUTHIN THINGS AT HIM.. SO I CALLED ANOTHER FRIEND OVER TO SEE HAD I Gone nuts myself,along with her husband! our other mutual friend that came to confirm ended up taking our drunk friend home that night , who confessed on the way that she had been in love with my husband for 10 years, and that they had an affair that lasted about a year and when i confronted her about it she said it was before he and i got together but rather when he was married to his ex wife! but i have no reason to believe her. this was in 2010 that i found out about her betrayal, and havent spoke with her since although they live about 3 miles from here! shockingly my husband had accidentally dialed my number on his touch screen phone and i listened as he used his friends phone to talk to this same girl and even after all the pain they had already caused were trying to find a time to slip away together. i texted her and asked her what the hell she was thinking and of course deny deny deny! although i had heard it with my own ears! this is the same day that i got in my car upon hearing his conversation and set out after him , as he was going to the log yard to pick up his check about 20 miles from our home! well i heard him tell his friend that they were gonna meet another woman that lived closer to log yard , a woman that he knew from another hot shot service! then before i could find out where they cut their phones off! so i drove to the little town and i went to the only restaurant that was there and bam! there is his friends truck that he left with, and so i rushed inside and there he sits with his friend and 2 women, and i had been gardening when he left, so i looked like hell i’m sure , and 0f course i thought about that alot after i settled down enough to reflect on that day’s events. naturally he got up and left with me, and said that i was making something out of nothing. that this woman was of no threat to me, blah! blah! solong story short, back to the night of slamming my desk drawers on the floor and at me. i had found a manual to a tracfone and some other papers to it inside a binocular case inside his winch truck earlier that day. he seen that it was gone i believe before he come home and when he walked in the door he immediately went to digging through my desk and i asked him if there was anything i could help him find. he told me no, just said he was just digging through my things like i do his. of course i told him that he wouldnt be finding a tracfone manual in there and looked at me as if i had 3 heads. “what tracfone?, oh that stuff from my winch truck?” he said all that was old and to look at date and i told him there was no date and just forget it! he then started throwing my stuff around saying he didnt have a thing of his own! not one thing that i didnt f@#k with! and then he went to laundry room and i followed asking why he was acting so angry ! he said i was a lying mother f@#cker! i said tell me what i lie about and to name one thing! he said “your lips are moving arent they? he couldnt tell me anything i lied about. but he said i was a f@#ckin idiot and was being so cruel ! i said why are talking to me like that? he just kept calling me horrible names and i said that he was talkin to me like an animal instead of a humanbeing much less someone that you are supposed to love, he said he couldnt talk to me like a human. so i was crushed i went and got in shower to bawl like a baby so he wouldnt see it and while i was in shower he left the baby laying on couch and went outside and got on the 4 wheeler turned the lights off and snuck out the pasture and up to his brothers where he had left his truck. when i got out of shower i seen he was gone. this was 12:34 am….. he didnt come back until 4 pm the next day. but some people had just showed up before him that were there to meet him to look at a truck so he pulled in and went off in pasture with them. when he came back up to house i wanted to pretend as though it didnt bother me and he asked me was a shirt he had gotten out of the laundry clean? and i was on phone with someone and just shrugged my shoulder and kept talkin on phone . then his friend opened door and asked him a question and he went out the door got in his truck and left again and he had never said bye or anything! i talked to him later and he was being so mean and said he was sick of me and i asked what had i done and he said what hadnt i done and never gave me an answer just said i could stay in our home until the lights got cut off cause i could never pay the bill and laughed. my daughter starts pre-k in 21 days and i start same day and he doesnt give a damn where we go but that we could stay until lights got cut off. until then he has another house that belongs to his dad that passed away that he is staying in! its only a mile from here. he comes in here everyday only to get one little thing. things that he knows will bother me, like he came in and just got his starched clothes, and i said what do you need them for , he said he didnt have anything to wear and i had just took him 2 baskets of everyday clothes to his daddy’s house the day before! he came back next mornin and was trying to take our camper i had just bought and i told him no and he tried to run it over and then he came in house and i was bawlin again and he went in kitchen and got the rest of our milk and drank it and then he went in bedroom and got just his nicest cowboy hat and hat band and left. he has come in several times with a friend and got a tool or a tank of diesel. i dont know what to do. all i do is cry and then im ok then i break down again and then im ok agin . its like a rollercoaster and it hurts so much inside like someone has died and i cant control the break downs they just hit me so suddenly and hard that it takes my breath away, and he is just livin it up with all his friends and smiling and laughing and i am here crying and dying on the inside and he is enjoying that. he sent me some texts the other night and said he was trying different taste buds and that he was drinking from a different jug and all that horrible shit! i seen on our phone bill that while he was texting me that night he was also texting some girl who graduated in 2008, he graduated in 1988. he is 42 and i am 34. i have talked to this girl who said she didnt know he was married and will never talk to him again. i just dont know how to get through this and dont know why it is even happening! i need some help here!

  21. 21

    Sally says

    In my opinion there is no such thing as a dumper and dumpee. Sorry, but that role can change 10 times before a separation occurs. It’s very confusing, because quite often the dumper is dumping because they are being dumped within the relationship, so how do you really call the dumper a dumper, when the dumper was actually being dumped the whole way through the relationship. The reality can be the dumper has been dumped in the confines of the relationship and the dumpee, has been covertly or unconsciously dumping all along. See the problem…too hard to work it out ! Just have to have faith…it wasn’t mean’t to be. If it’s mean’t to be the parties will re-unite.

  22. 22

    KC says

    You said that if you could go back as the woman you are now you would have made a different decision. Yet at the end of your article you are still resolute that divorce was the best option. That defense mechanism, that final belief that you are right, is why it’s easier for the dumper. How can a person be either a dumper or a dumpee by the way? Life is a long process and you might be on the receiving end later. Then you’ll discover that for the dumper it is easy. They have the feel good factor, for awhile, because they think that they are doing better for themselves. The hard part is that nagging doubt that creeps in later. Did I do the right thing? For the dumpee it’s the reverse, very hard to start with, and then they can thank their lucky stars when they move on to find a person who is truly able to care about another person equally or more than themselves

  23. 23

    MH12 says

    Generally, we would like a couple to keep loving each other and stay together. For that to happen, we need more potential dumpees in this Worls than dumpers. And of course these terms make sense and are not relative: The dumper is the one leaving, and in that action most often actively hurting and thereby taking on a huge responsibility, while the dumpee is the being left and most often also hurt. Of course, there can be good reason to dump: Violence, drinking or genuine and irreversible end of love. But assuming that dumpee to be is actually the dumper about to dump, the latter should be painfully aware that she or he give up some very precious namely the love of another person and the installment of a pain that will last for life. To be loved is something that should be valued and requires the utmost effort before resorting to dumping.

  24. 24

    jimmy says

    To Cdahle

    Let me tell you something and this goes for all of you dumpers. All of you know that from the start of relationship with you you know it will be over before it even begins. That is what you do … you destroy men life and move on like nothing. No matter how good you are treat it is not good enough. You are just unable to love or to be love, Most of you are 110 % men haters and have BPD. No man should have anything to do with you… I hope one day all you dumpers get what you deserve your heart ripped out and maybe you know what is feels like. But you have no feeling especially empathy so it would not matter to you anyway….

  25. 25

    teresa says

    I can appreciate in many cases the torment of the dumper, but in my case as in many, the dumper does have someone to go directly to for support- the person they’d been seeing behind your back.

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