Last week I felt like I was driving myself crazy with questions, imaginings and intuition. This week I’m being questioned about whether I’m being too dramatic.
Then – 2/3/2004
“The other morning I was so upset because ‘Carl’ had been moping around talking about ‘no closeness’ and ‘Erin’ (my daughter) started to pick up on his mood. She asked him what was wrong and he said he was just tired. She said ‘No you’re not, it’s something else.’ I pulled him aside and told him that he doesn’t have the right to affect the kids anymore than he already has; that he needs to get over the ‘closeness’ thing right now because he’s just hurting himself with false expectations.
I started to cry about how no matter how frustrated I get, I still am doing what I have to do to keep the family together for the kids, etc. His comment to me was ‘Don’t you think you’re being dramatic? It’s not like I don’t do anything around here. You’re just looking for negative things’. I got angry and said ‘Fine, you might think I’m being a drama queen playing up my role in saving this family, but you have a problem with downplaying your role in its downfall. You make it seem like your problem is small compared to everyone else at AA. You always downplay the effect your actions have had or should have on me and the kids. So maybe somewhere between my so-called dramatic version and your version is reality!’
The next nigh we are sitting down talking about going back to the therapist and I bring up the conversation the other morning. I tell him that it upset me that he made it sound like I was being too dramatic when in reality I try to keep my emotions in check and don’t wine or cry about things. He looks at me and says ‘I never said you were being dramatic!’
I can’t take having conversations with someone who can’t remember from one day to another!!!”
Now – 4/3/2011
Wow…each time I’m taken back in time in my journal I am can literally feel how I was feeling at the time. It’s amazing how powerful memories can be, not just in our thoughts but in our entire bodies. I can feel the sadness, frustration and anger in my heart, shoulders and hands.
I can see now that I was fighting a losing battle, hoping beyond hope that my kids would not be affected by the situation in the house. There was an ENORMOUS elephant in the living room that I was trying to cover up with a “business as usual” type of attitude. When I saw the kids being dragged into the drama, my anger reached a feverish pitch which of course didn’t help the situation. I didn’t have the coping skills then that I do now. But as the saying goes, when I knew better I did better.
I lived with so much drama for so long that I have become highly sensitive to it. Since that time 7 years ago I have had to let go of certain relationships and have set healthy boundaries with the people that are in my life.
The gift from that dramatic time of the journal entry is that I no longer get caught up in drama and choose to not have it into my life.
Next week – What’s the right thing to do?