Round 3 of contemplating Divorce – Torn up inside!!

couple in conflictIn the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30’s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.


  1. 1

    Swathi says

    Hi mopal i can totally understand your situation.The only difference is that i don’t have kids and i have gone ahead and filed for a divorce.I have gone through a lot of mental,emotional and physical abuse for last two years.You should get out of the relation ASAP because staying in it will only cause you even more pain and eventually you will loose your mental health.You have to do it for your kids all the more because they need a happy mother to have a good life,and after reading your post i can deduce that your husband will not make a good father.As far as the financial support is concerned,try to find some way.You have to find a way.Not just for your happiness but also for your kids.Being in such relation will eat you from with in.I know it,i have been there.

  2. 2

    Jeanette says

    I feel for you. Just left a similar situation (so much so, it is scary). Stayed home with children and became dependent, watching the financial, emotional, and verbal abuse ramp up over time. Set a plan: get nursing license (also have English BA w/teaching license which was getting nowhere in job market), got the income and left. Took about 3-4 years, but pulled it off. Best decision for me and my boys. Peace reigns in my home and my children are happy. Ex can continue to attempt abusive behavior, however, I can now enforce boundaries more effectively for the emotional well-being of not just myself but also my children. Wish you the best and hope that my experience helps.


  3. 3

    Susan says

    He will leave if you file for divorce. A judge will arrange a temporary agreement if you can’t agree on one together. He will also probably make you get a job. However he will make him support your financially and continue to pay your bills (he can’t cut off your phone or not pay the rent after you file). If you feel he may turn violent you can file a restraining order as well. You have choices. Don’t let him bully you into thinking you will be on the street if you leave him. You won’t. But it won’t be easy either. Good luck!

  4. 4

    Char says

    I feel for you so much!!! I am in the exact situtation with one major difference I just got done fighting cancer. I thought after 22yrs ago he would be more supportive but he hasn’t been and even told me if it came down to his job or my last round of chemo then I would just not do it. Excuse me my 2 beautiful babies need their mom. I’ve already contacted a lawyer and she has me going into the right direction on what I need. My H has mentally abused me for yrs, the light finally clicked on when my 7 yr daughter treats me like he does. My children are my life and I believe yours are yours so do it for them. There are agency’s out there to help us women that have been under our H’s thumbs and don’t be shy to use them. All the help to get on your feet and show your girls that mommy means business and I am not going to stand for it. Good Luck Girl!!

  5. 5

    Ginger says

    I’ve been married for 10 yrs. had 2 kids with my husband. The youngest with severe developmental delays and orthopedic problems. My child’s health required me to stay at home and takecare of him. My husband bullied me out of the house. Afraid for my safety and the safety of my kids, I left the house and the city I lived in while married. I retained a lawyer but didn’t file any papers yet. I know that my husband is wiring all his money and assets overseas, he is worth more than a million dollars. If i start the divorce process or not, I’m afraid of 2 option: 1. My husband will fight me and drag the case for as long as he can. He has the money to waste and i have $0 2. one day my husband will leave overseas when all the money and all assets been transferred. I’m really worried about going in major debts paying my lawyer who probably can only help me getting divorce…any thoughts???

  6. 6

    Jen says

    I could be reading my own story, looking at this post. I do work, and married an emotional abuser and a liar. My issue is that he won’t work, and as long as he stays unemployed I can’t file, or else I will have to pay him support … I’m barely making it. But… I am happier being poor in my own with my kids than when I lived under his thumb. Please see an attorney, many are free to consult. You are entitled to child support and alimony. I’ll be praying!

  7. 7

    MGM says

    Don’t what to do, don’t which way to go, don’t which direction to take…

    Here’s a different perspective — one from a man. My wife and I have been married for 15+ years. I am American and she is Russian. We have one 10 year old daughter. We have had issues in the past, but we have always been able to work them out. Or at least I thought. Now she’s decided that she is tired of being ignored and unloved in our marriage and wants to ‘take a break’ from our marriage with a separation. There cultural issues that have contributed to our discord, but more over I don’t think either of really know how to communicate with each other. She has a difficult time expressing to me what her wants and needs are and tells me that as a man I should know this already. She clearly feels resentment towards me for things I have said and done in the past, but when I ask what those things were she can’t really describe them to me and instead uses vague examples. She says that she wants me to treat here ‘like a woman’ but she can’t really describe to me what that really means. Again, just vague generalities. She says she wants me to ‘act like a man’ but when I ask her what that means and how is that I haven’t acted like a man, again she can’t really tell me. She gives a list of things that she has wanted me to do in the past but I didn’t and when I say ‘okay, I can do that’ she tells me it’s ‘too late’ and that her love has died. She says that she is emotionally ‘dead’. She says she still loves me ‘like a brother’ but not as a husband. She says she feels no physical attraction towards me and really doesn’t have any desire to be intimate with anyone, not just me. I ask her if there is any chance to reconcile in the future she says maybe yes, maybe no. She really doen’t know at this point. We live in the same house but sleep in separate beds. We haven’t had sex in several months and we have not so much as kissed, hugged or even touched other at all. We don’t talk much and she really doesn’t want to spend time with me. She has been going through a lot of emotional stress lately and the life she is living is not the one she wanted. We went to marriage couseling for one session together, but since then she has not gone to any others. Instead I am going by myself. I know there are things that I need to work on myself but it feels as if my wife either doesn’t want to work things out or just doesn’t care. And yet when I ask her if she truly wants to end the marriage she says she doens’t know yet and she needs time to think about it. Whenever I try and figure what she wants from our marriage I feel like she withdraws even farther away and accuses me of pushing her to make a decision. My therapist says the best thing for me to do is to leave her alone and let her figure it out on her own, but I don’t want to enter into a separation agreement with no conditions as to what either us want from the marriage. I’d like the separation to be a cooling off period, but my wife doesn’t want to talk about what each of us needs from the marriage in order for it to work. I’m frustrated and confused because I feel like I’m the only one that cares about saving the marriage. I feel like I’m being held as an emotional hostage.

    Don’t know what to do, don’t know which way to go…

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