I know that after a break-up or a divorce
the heart can hurt to such a degree that that is unbearable!
You don’t know what is up and what is down, you are just standing there blankly and staring after the departing partner… Then the unfamiliar, strange single hours, days and weeks come. At first you don’t even realize what had happened, you try to live every day, as before but it doesn’t work. One of the key elements of your daily routine is missing… Friends and girlfriends keep coming, hold your hands, wipe your tears, organize programs, sometimes make you laugh… In a bad case we are trying to restore the unrestorable, reload the ex!
And then a seemingly never-ending process begins! In bookstores and on the Internet dozens of books, magazines, self-help courses advertise the solution, try to seduce us as the Sirens did with Odysseus. You are either ready for the changes or not. Experience shows that we are unable to let the other go, cannot embrace the idea that this is over, now we have to be happy alone. Since this kind of happiness requires active work on our part, we usually don’t feel like accepting this solution…
We rather snivel on the shoulders of our favourite girlfriends because we want to tell
someone that the pain is unbearable, that the loss is irreplaceable, that our heart’s been
hurt so bad that it’s never going to be healed, that life is never going to be the same as
it used to be.
And then on a wine-smelling, series-addict evening new promising solutions pop up on the Internet! The oracle! Who shows you your future, path, direction and opens up new opportunities and promises everything good…
We make an appointment, we go there, we have our fortune told and we are waiting for someone who sorts out our future. Tall, blond man with one black shoe, two days later in the elevator! The answer is really promising… Just to make sure, we visit another oracle to prove the truth of the previous one to ourselves. Magic ball, a black cat – a tall, brown man in the park a week later. Truth reveals itself! Positive prospects, major developments in future.
That’s not enough, since it is actually a good astrologer who knows the truth! We attend to it, search for it, try to make out the exact date from the starry sky, in order to walk home with the possibly most accurate predictions in our bag. The celestials blessed us with amazing formula! Future promises plenty of opportunities for this and that, good job, travelling, love, everything is possible because our own destiny is in our hands! It is difficult to digest! Whatever I do tomorrow that’s how it is going to be… If I enjoy the sunshine, I’ll be happy, if I am constantly thinking about passing love, I’ll be unhappy… It all depends on me! But who can live with so much responsibility?
In the evening we nestle ourselves into our favourite armchair, stare at the TV screen, and don’t get it why nobody is able to understand that we are lost, incapable of decisions and actions, our broken heart cannot be held together even by the world’s strongest superglue. Maybe I should wait because time solves everything. Or destroys? You can seek for scientific solutions, might wander on religious ways, can meditate all day long, anything might come that offers momentary solution, may promise reconciliation in the sea of sorrow …
Personally, I believe my astrologer! I believe that my destiny is really in my hands. It is not simply hard but brutally hard to wake up with the weight of this responsibility every day and to go through the day.
Being a Buddhist, I meditate regularly – for my own happiness. It helps me to see, life is
full of happiness, even if I’m unable to see this all the time. It helps me to feel for a
moment (!!!) that the world is perfect, the flow of continuous change in it is the natural
order of life, helps to see myself with the eyes of an ‘outside observer’ and not to spend
my life in the prison of my obsessions, but to try to discover the uniqueness and the
inherent endless possibilities and creativity in every moment.
We might lie to everyone, especially to ourselves, might lie that we aren’t afraid. But fear is going to grow constantly inside us. The fear that this miracle of love will never find us again. That He was the last man in our lives, who we honestly and truly loved, with whom we devised our future. That it was the last time that our hearts beat so much for someone.
Then suddenly, maybe not such a long time later, when we’d given up our desires, we’d actually believed that He does not return to us, when we’d got used to our changed days, which has become our everyday life, our fears come to the surface again. Those fears, which will be even more realistic than the previous ones. Which whisper that when we are in a hurry and don’t expect it, when we’ve given up, don’t wait for it, don’t plan it – step out to the street without make-up, with matted hair and someone comes towards us who revives the feeling and the magic happens again! We fall in love…