It’s been almost four years and lyrics like that still haunt me. In a different way though. Every 4th of July, the day he told me he wanted a divorce, is difficult. Yeah, there were fireworks that night all right! The divorce was finalized September 12th. My own little 9-11.
Sure, I did all the Melissa Etheridge, Pink and Kelly Clarkson stuff. Over and over and over again. As I reread Katie’s lyrics, “If I knew then what I know now…I knew then that he was not the man to marry. But I did it anyway. No point in stewing over that or him anymore. The focus is on me now.
I got the house. I make my own decisions. I have a wonderful dog and two interesting cats. I watch what I want on t.v. I eat chocolate when I want. I wear my hair long or short, red or blonde. I plant flowers wherever I want.
Falling asleep isn’t as difficult as getting back to sleep in the middle of the night. I still sleep on my side of the bed. The dog and cats gets the other side. Eating dinner at the kitchen table doesn’t happen to often. The couch is more welcoming. Running into people and repeating, “No, I’m not seeing anyone right now,” has become a broken record.
So many things are on auto pilot right now. Get up. Feed the critters. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go to work. Come home. Feed the critters. Walk the dog. Find something for dinner. Work outside or do laundry. Go to bed on the left side.
Sure, I have married friends and do things with them; the infamous tag-a-long. I have fun. But, when the fun is over, I go home to my critters and my side of the bed again.
The divorce was a walk in the park compared to getting laid off from a great job. THAT was a shock. But I managed and now have a good job.
The flashbacks are almost gone unless a certain song triggers them. Then the radio is off and the playlist is on. Hiding at home so I don’t bump into him is almost over. I dodged him once at the pet store or rather I ran into the vet clinic and hid. I’ve already bumped into her and handled myself well. Had her child not been there, it could have been another story. I got a, “You f’n rock!” from my friend who was with me when it happened.
The constant craving for the cigarettes I gave up is almost as strong as the longing for someone to love. Dating sites are a joke. One man had a rap sheet a mile long and denied it all. I’ve learned to run their names through the Circuit Clerk’s page. Another failed to register as a sex offender. Friends either don’t “know” anyone or don’t want to be in the middle of a fix me up. Can’t blame ‘em. Having never been in love, I don’t know what it is and have quit looking for it.
Learning to focus on me is a day-by-day process. I haven’t quite figured myself out yet. Every day is a surprise and an adventure at the same time.
My son asked me, “Are you gonna be the ol’ lady with lots of flowers and animals?”
My reply, “As long as I’m happy, would that be a bad thing?”
About the author:
My name is Jera Josserand. I’m 46, have one grown son, one dog, two cats, four tattoos and lots of flower. Getting divorced was the best thing to happen since my son’s birth. I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want to and how I want to. I have a Bachelor’s in English and taught and worked in elementary schools for nine years. I work a regular forty-hour a week job and seasonally have my own gardening business tending my customers’ gardens. I dabble in poetry, blogging and am starting another small business repurposing furniture.