Cathy

Hi, I’m Cathy. I’m a mom, certified life and divorce coach, marriage educator, writer, acrylic artist and lover of two small dogs who keep my feet warm at night.

I’m the expert for the Divorce Support channel at About.com where I write articles on all aspects of divorce. I’m also a resource writer for First Wives World where I cover issues involved in navigating divorce and moving beyond. I’ve spent the past five years working with clients going through divorce, studying the effects of divorce on individuals and developing strategies for handling divorce and moving on to a new, rewarding life.

I have two beautiful sons, Elliott (24) and Taylor (18). I’m single, love my independence and putting to use the things I’ve learned about surviving and blooming after divorce.

My story. Nineteen Ninety Nine was a very long, anxiety-producing year. My ex-husband came to the decision that he could no longer stay in the marriage that year. He not only decided he could no longer stay in the marriage, he also became angry, had a drastic change of personality and obstinately refused to negotiate one on one any of the legal issues surrounding our divorce.

I went that year from being part of a mildly troubled marriage to being a spouse who felt thrown away and left to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess. My sons were 7 and 14 at the time. Not only did I have to deal with my own emotional turmoil I had to make sure they were able to understand and deal with what was happening. Their father went from being a very involved parent, a large part of their daily lives to someone who saw them and spoke to them every 14 days.

Well, we all three kinda fell apart. It wasn’t the kind of breakdown you could see from afar but the three of us experienced a very traumatic transition. We all had our own separate issues with the divorce and I was left alone to figure out how to get us through that time of adversity. 

For years, I had been a mother, a wife, a homemaker and a lover. I had a role and I liked that role. I didn’t do well when someone messed with the role I had chosen for myself. It finally hit me that my need to be one thing, with one set of rules and one measurement for success wasn’t going to work any longer.

Part of my struggle after my ex left was self-imposed. I had boxed myself in and I had to figure out how to get out of that box.

I had to discover whom I really was rather than whom I had created myself to be. I knew that before I would be able to do this I had to accept where I was in life, I had to get control over my thought process and become more mindful. I had to learn that along with change comes opportunities and I had to take responsibility for getting what I wanted out of life.

For the first time in my life I had to be courageous, to stand up for my children and myself and take control over the direction our lives would go after my divorce. I had to write my own story and live it with all my heart.

My divorce turned out to be my most precious blessing. I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be doing what I do today. That is what drives me, the knowledge that from adversity comes a renewal of spirit, an opportunity to grow and flourish. It is not an ending, it is a beginning. A new beginning made more precious due to the emotional pain we have to go through to get here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the questions I’ve been asked since becoming a Coach and Marriage Educator. The questions come from different places-some from clients, some from people who wonder why I decided to make divorce a business:

Did you choose the profession you are in because you were never able to move past your own divorce? No, I chose it because I have worked through the pain of my divorce, learned some extraordinary things and have a passionate desire to share what I have learned with others.

Is it hard to mother your children and at the same time be an activist for those going through divorce? For me I think it would be impossible not to do both. I’ve always been an activist, it is part of my personality. Now, when I look at my sons I realize that helping others get through divorce with less pain is not a choice, it is my ethical responsibility. A commitment bound by profound love for my own children and everyone else’s. If I can help keep one child from suffering the way my children have I feel I’ve honored my children and all children.

Do you study divorce issues because you still deal with some of your own or do you do it to keep others from having to deal with such issues? Both! I’m healed from the pain of my divorce but I’m human and still have feelings of inadequacy and the need to be perfect. We recover from divorce but it leaves us with scars and, at times, those scars can become irritated. After five years of working with clients going through divorce, I’ve learned a few things that have changed my life and that I believe are worth passing on to others. That “passing one” helps me daily in dealing with my own issues when they come up.

Do you think growth through adversity and resilience come from psychology or spirituality? Both! Emotional well-being and the human spirit are inextricably connected. The mind’s eye is housed in the heart. Once we get the heart and the mind aligned we experience true healing and growth.

High heels or flip-flops? I refuse to choose! I’m a small town Southern woman which doesn’t make me unique but it does give me the footwear birthright to both high heels and flip flops. You may also catch me in Birkenstocks during the hot Tennessee summer – we have long summers in this part of the country. 

Welcome to Divorced Women Online!

Cathy

You may contact me at, dwoadmin@divorcedwomenonline.com