Venturing into the online dating world can feel as scary as trekking through a dark, unknown wood.  Who lurk’eth in the shadows?  we can’t help but wonder.  Maybe “lions & ligers & bears, on my!”

As I set out on last weekend’s first-date ‘adventure,’ I admit I felt both nervous and excited.  Both on the phone and during our IM session, we’d had great chemistry.  Plus, given as he was a dentist and almost all of my family works in medicine, we had a lot in common.  

Sitting in the pub wearing a pretty dress and a fresh coat of lip-gloss, I waved as I saw him come through the entranceway. I stood up as he approached and shook his hand.  “Hi, I’m Amelia,” I said. 

“Wow, you’re so cute!” he said as we both sat down.

“Cute?  Like a puppy?”  I teased.

“Haha.  No, I mean HOT.  Sexy.  SUPER sexy.”  His eyes darted around. 

Immediately, my spider sense went off.  Something didn’t seem right…. But I ignored my intuition and went ahead and ordered wine from the waitress. 

Right away, he started talking about how he’d recently moved to our city.  “I’ve spent the last 10 years in Ottawa,” he said.  “I worked for Telus Communications…”  And as he rambled on about the team of computer technicians he oversaw, I sat there with a frozen smile on my face.

Finally, he stopped talking.  I looked him straight in the eyes and stated,  “You told me you were dentist.” 

Pase.  Squirm squirm.  Eyes darted. “Oh, did I? (laugh)  

“Yes, you did.  Remember?  My brother is a dentist and almost all of my family is in medicine?  We talked about it at great length.”

More laughing; looking away.  “Ohhhhh, that was you.  I was talking to like three different girls last night.  I must have got you confused.  Oh well.  It happens (laugh).”

I looked down at my purse and clenched the strap in my hand.  Decision was made.  “I’m leaving,” I announced as I stood up.

“Oh, c’mon!  Don’t you think you’re over reacting a bit?”

I paused for a second then looked down at him.  “No.  I’m not overreacting.  I just don’t date liars.” 

And I walked out.  Liars & tigers & snakes, good-bye!

Amelia www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Did He Just Stare At The Waitress’ Butt?

Trying To Understand Men: The “Buy-Her-A-Drink” Pick-Up Method

Dating After Divorce: An Indecent, Freaky, Or Attractive Proposal?

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I’ve been divorced for a year and on my own for two, after 16 years of marriage.  I am afraid to leave my ’safe harbor’ of my circle of family.  I continue to work at my father’s  place of employment because it is familiar and comfortable – but it barely provides enough for me financially. Reality dictates that I start thinking of how I am going to make it financially for I have a child to support.  But I fear cannot trust anyone outside my family.  I’ve had guys ask me out, but I’m too stuck trying to hold the ground I’ve got, to call them back.  I have a few friends, but feel I have to put a hero’s face on in front of them.  Is it normal to feel so overwhelmed?  Will the fears ever go away?

Shawna

Answer:

Dear Shawna,

Yes, it is all part of the process BUT it is up to you and you alone to move on in your life. You have to begin the process of taking on full responsibility for your life and your future because I promise you that no one else will do it for you.

Start taking small steps forward.  Make plans to have dinner out or a movie or whatever a couple of times a week.  Join a divorce support group where there are people who actually understand what you are feeling.  Our married friends simply cannot get it.  In order to function at your max, make certain that you are exercising to combat the effects of stress.  Try a yoga class too.  Use deep breathing techniques to quiet your mind and get yourself centered.

The question you should be asking yourself is this: What will my life look like if I never trust again?  Is that a price you are willing to pay? Just because one person has betrayed your trust does not mean that everyone will.

We fear the uncertainty of our future but no one can predict the future.  99.9% of our fears never materialize. It’s all mind chatter.  Mind chatter lies and is self-sabotaging.  Notice your m ind chatter and thank it for sharing and let it go.  If we cannot know the future there is little to be afraid of.

Try substituting fear for faith that everything will work out in your nest interests.  Perhaps this divorce has some hidden gifts that you cannot see right now.  You will access strength that you never knew you had.  You will learn valuable life lessons that will allow you to craft a new and better life.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Other Articles:

The Emotional Stages of Divorce Recovery:  How Will You Manage Yours?

Important Considerations: What Would Happen To Your Kids IF…?

Self-Help: Helpful To Some, Offensive To Others

Three weeks ago,unknown and unsigned singer Christina Perri was working as a waitress in a Philadelphia cafe.  But by chance – or perhaps grand design  - a song she wrote called Jar of Hearts,  landed in the hands of  Stacey Tookey, a choreographer for So You Think You Can Dance.  Virtually overnight, Christina’s life has become a whirlwind of incredible change as record labels race to sign her and Jar of Hearts climbs into the top 5 on I-Tunes.

So what’s so special about Christina’s song?  One word:  everything.  The lyrics, the melody, and her raspy voice are beautifully haunting.  There’s no denying the ‘rawness’ too - Christina wrote it only six months ago to help cleanse herself of a man who dumped her, then suddenly decided he wanted her “one more time.”   

And so I’m sharing it with you today – for it speaks to all of us who feel “half-alive”, who have loved and lost, and who struggle to be courageous in the face of relationships that are no good for us.  

Here she is, live, in a recording studio.  I like this version even more.

Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

May There Be Angels Beneath The Support Beams of my Life

Turning The Kids Against The Ex

When An Ex Won’t Let Go

Warning: I’m a little scattered today…

I need to ask you something.  Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here.  So here goes:  Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this?  Truly, am I too stupid to get it?   Is it ME?”

Cause I have; or rather I am. 

I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person.  So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective.  I ignore his condescending remarks.  I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic.  I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..

But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in.  And I sit there wracking my brain:  Am I not saying this clearly enough?  Does his perspective overrule my own?  Then, in exasperation:  How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL?

Oh, I know I’m being vague here…but legally, I can’t share the details of my situation.  Nor do I want to in fear that I’ll sound like my goal is to trash my ex – cause it isn’t.

I’m just frustrated.  And rather sad.  Cause I put so much effort into understanding him, his perspective, his circumstances…whereas it seems he doesn’t even try to do the same. I feel his anger.  I hear his resentment.  And it kills me that I can’t figure out to how to build a bridge between us.  We’re both decent, smart people, after all – why can’t we communicate like adults?

Do you feel like this when you try to communicate with your ex?  How do you handle it?  My ex and I can’t resolve issues through our own discussions.  Mediation sessions, though a fantastic option for many people, go nowhere for us.  The only recourse is legal action.  And I have trouble accepting the fact I have to pour tens of thousands of dollars into getting decisions made that will leave us both unhappy in some ways AND create more tension between us.  It all just seems like such a waste…

And so I wonder, ”Is it me?”  Do I give myself more credit than I deserve?  Am I a lot less empathetic and more selfish than I realize?  A downward spiral of self-attacking thoughts gather impetus; I’ve always been good at self-deprecation….

But friends and family prop me back up on my feet.   They say that if I don’t properly deal with our serious issues now, I’ll be doing so for the rest of my life.  And you know what I think of their support and kind words?  Though I love and appreciate them for it, I also wonder, what if they’re wrong?  What if they’re perception of my perception on things is wrong or one-sided?  (Chuckling) It appears I have enough self-doubt to go around.

And so I must listen to my heart.  And it reminds me that as a full-time single mother of three carrying enormous responsibilities, I have to do what is best for my children and myself.  My position, my opinions and my feelings ARE real.  They DO have merit, they ARE very important and in need of resolution.  I’m not motivated but some ego-driven need to be ‘right’.   I don’t need to be declared The Winner.  I just want things to be fair.  I want us to treat each other with respect and maturity.  I want us to successfully co-parent as we move forward in our individual lives…

But right now, I fear that by even hoping for these things, I’m setting myself up for another fall. 

Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands

‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life?  Or Sacrifices?

Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’

Recently, I sat with my emotionally devastated friend Maddie who had just discovered her husband was having an affair.   Why?  When?  How?  Now what?  her brain raced to answer, as she felt her family dream falling to the ground in slow motion.

But it didn’t take long for her to start doing what most of us women do when affairs are exposed: she wondered, Is she prettier than me?  Skinnier?  Sexier? What does she have that I obviously don’t ?

As I sat comforting my friend, I totally understood her looking glass; for when I found out about my ex-husband’s infidelities, I did the same thing: compared myself to his mistress.  And when I saw his lover with my own two eyes, I was shocked at how different-looking she was to me:  volumptuous, dark-eyed and complexioned, with a style of dress that I thought spelled ’skank.’  Nonetheless, I could literally feel myself deflate – her beauty, charisma, and inviting curves far superseded mine…

Ladies, we’re only only human so it’s natural for us, in any kind of love triangle, to compare ourselves physically to the ‘competition.’  Why wouldn’t we when our society has well taught us that so much of our worth correlates to our beauty/thinness/youthfulness?

But I’m here to remind you of a couple of important things – points that perhaps a girlfriend or two have said to you but you couldn’t take in.  Cause getting caught up in the ‘comparisons’ is self-defeating and destructive.  And I don’t want to see you stuck there indefinitely.

1)  His affair is not about YOU lacking anything – beauty, smarts, perky boobs, whatever.  He’s the one lacking.  Too often us women’s tendency is to point the finger back at ourselves and blame/find flaws in ourselves when an affair is exposed.  No matter how physically imperfect you may deem yourself to be, no matter how many ways you see yourself as the Imperfect Wife, he and he alone chose to have the affair.  Don’t take responsibility for his lack of integrity nor his inability to communicate his ‘unhappiness.’  His affair was HIS choice.

2)  Whether your husband chose a younger ’knockout’ to play with, or if she’s overweight, plain-looking, and truly nothing extraordinary, her looks are not what threw him or kept him in her bed – it’s the high of some ‘feeling’ he wanted to feel.  Maybe it was to feel like a stud, to feel younger, to have a thrill, to feel the rush of seek and conquer, who knows.  (There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know the ‘why’ cause he’s dreadfully un-self-aware and swept away in lust).   My point is that his affair is NOT about her being superbly incredible whereas you are not, it’s about him filling a void inside himself.

3)  Further to point #2: Whatever this ‘feeling’ is that your husband has when he’s with her (he may even mistake it for love), there’s a good chance it will burn out… and so will their relationship.

I have three close girlfriends whose husbands left them for other women – all men claimed their mistresses were “soul mates.”  Every single one of theses relationships eventually ended and for one main reason: the ‘feeling’ died.  Why wouldn’t it?  No more adrenaline rush of sneaking around…she gets sick of picking up after him…he realizes she doesn’t want to have sex three times a night like before…You get the picture: it’s reality.

But hold on – before you start thinking this means you should sit back and wait for him to come to his senses, let me add – all these men went on to cheat again.  Unless your husband is a strong man, the kind who knows how to do the inner work infidelity requires of a perpetrator, he most probably won’t change; he’ll replace 

So please, please, please, don’t lie in bed at night putting yourself down, thinking you deserved to have been betrayed cause you didn’t measure up to ‘her.’ Seriously, think about this – even the smartest, most successful and beautiful women in the world get cheated on (Sandra Bullock immediately comes to mind).  So don’t allow yourself to get sidetracked or obsessed with the other woman – now is the time to surround yourself with the support system you need – and assess the value of the number one culprit in the drama: your husband.

Other Articles:

Unusual Bedroom Behavior: Signs A Spouse Might Be Cheating

You Can’t Rush Your Learning – Even When You’re Convinced You’re Ready

Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool

Question:

Dear Shelley:

My husband of 30 years wants a divorce.  He arrived at this decision after he had an affair and I decided I wanted to separate to take time to heal.  During that time he was also placed on lithium and anti-depression meds.

He recently went off the meds and began attacking me via the legal system and our joint businesses.  He has become very mean.

I know he loves me but I believe this is partially about money, control, manipulation and a mid life crisis.  Sometimes I think he might eventually want to come back……

1) How do I let go when I have to deal with him everyday for work? And,

2) How can I keep him from hurting me?  I can NOT walk away from the business if I ever want to see my investment.

Cara

Answer:

Dear Cara,

The question becomes, do you want to let go?  You say you know he loves you and yet you also mention that he had an affair, is very mean and is attacking you via the legal system.  What is wrong with this picture?

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

 

 

Other Articles:

The Value of a Smart, Knowledgeable, No BS Girlfriend During Divorce

Choices?  Or Sacrifices?

“I Grew Balls” – How One Woman Confronted The ‘Other Woman” To Find The Truth

Submitted by Shirley Cress Dudley

1- Keep contact to a minimum.

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids.

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments. 

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner.

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids.

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Other Articles:

That Blissful Moment Of Physical Merging

What Do You Say To A Greiving Friend?

Would You Go Out To A Bar Alone? ]]> http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/4992/feed/ 0 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/ask-the-divorce-coach-separated-but-still-under-the-same-roof/ http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/ask-the-divorce-coach-separated-but-still-under-the-same-roof/#comments Mon, 05 Jul 2010 03:10:41 +0000 Amelia http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=4981

Question

Dear Shelley:

Overview: husband cheated, tried to make it work, husband stopped his counselling, blamed me for not having sex cause I could not get over the “other woman”, cheated again, now separated, living in the same house but separate rooms, one 14 -year- old daughter, husband is out every night getting his “happiness on” leaving me to our daughter and her questions which I have to make up excuses for him. He is manipulative and my daughter may be his next victim and I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  How do I survive and protect my daughter?  Do I let our daughter find out how worthless he is on her own?  

Drained and hopeless,

Latina

Answer

Dear Latina:

Best not to involve your daughter in your divorce issues.  It will only harm her. I am certain that she can see for herself what is happening and she doesn’t need to be involved. Trust me on that.  You do not need to cover for him. A 14 year old is smarter then that. You need to love her more then you dislike him.

Sounds like you could make use of some firm boundaries with your husband.  In order to reduce the extreme physical and mental exhaustion I suggest you start thinking about establishing boundaries, I.E. what you will accept and what you will not accept.  Have you spoken to an attorney to see what your rights are in the present situation? That would be a very good idea.  Is there a way for him to establish his own residency? Would you be willing to move?   If not, how can you create some lines in the sand as far as his behaviour goes?  Learning to say no and create consequences to bad behaviour is urgently needed.  

What are you doing to take care of yourself so the stress doesn’t eat you up alive?  Are you exercising, doing yoga, anything?  Do it!  It is a proven antidote to stress and stress kills.  How about support? Do you have close family and friends to lean on and if not, how about a divorce support group?  Are you eating well and getting rest?

A survivor is someone who takes action to move forward and address what is wrong in their life.  Start taking small steps everyday.  Only you can make the difference in your life…not to mention your daughter’s.  Learn to accept what you cannot change or control. Choose to handle this situation differently, in a way that will serve you.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Mistakes Made When Dividing Marital Assets

Dividing marital assets during divorce can be one of the most challenging and convoluted aspects of your divorce. It isn’t as simple as “I want the car, you keep the house.”  Few people take into consideration the cash value of an “asset” and in the end, end up with a liability instead of something of value.

For example:

Carrie and Ed are getting a divorce, they are both age 54. They have two assets to divide, a money market account valued at $120,000 and a 401K valued at $120,000. Carrie has been out of the work force for a few decades and is interested in the 401K fund believing that it will mean more security at the time of her retirement.

Their divorce is finalized, Carrie gets the 401K and Ed gets the money market account. Eighteen months later Carrie decides she wants to buy a home.  Carrie plans to use money from the 401K as a down payment on her new home.

The problem?  There is a penalty for early withdrawal from the retirement plan.  Any withdrawal she makes will impact the principal Carrie was counting on at age of retirement.

Ed and Carried walked away from the marriage with assets that were valued the same BUT the money from Ed’s asset can be used without penalty or loss of principal. Meaning his asset, in the long run was more valuable than the asset Carrie chose.

Something Carrie and her attorney should have taken into consideration when splitting marital assets such as money market accounts and retirement funds.

More Articles:

The Financial Impact of Divorce: There is More to it Than Splitting Assets

Assistance for Low Income Single Moms

Will Your Career Survive After Divorce

]]> http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/dividing-retirement-and-investment-plans-during-divorce/feed/ 1 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/when-to-have-sex-when-you-want-a-relationship/ http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/when-to-have-sex-when-you-want-a-relationship/#comments Thu, 01 Jul 2010 04:10:16 +0000 Amelia http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=4842 Submitted by Delaine

As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ’serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there? Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another.

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code and keep hormones in check (and YES guys, women can feel this way too!).

So what ’should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t.

Why We’re Damned If We Do Sleep With Him

First, even though it’s the year 2010, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly, that alone might kill his interest.  Yes, it’s the old school, I-want-a-’Good-Girl’ thing, which is unfair and judgmental.  But this  kind of thinking is still alive and well so our being ‘branded’ is always a risk.

Secondly, if we have sex early in the relationship – say, after the fourth date  -  we are at risk of having our brains consumed by what I call the ‘Lust Cloud.’  Even though we don’t really know our partners, the Lust Cloud will fill in the empty spaces with what we ‘hope’ the other person is instead of who he really is. All our senses are heightened, the world seems to dance in vibrant color, as our newly-released passion courses through our veins day and night.  So powerful is our passion, so intoxicated are we to taste it again, that our drunk minds overlook warning signs and convince our hearts to start dangerously wondering:  Might this be true love? Phew – talk about distorted thinking!  But in live-time, it’s hard not to ride that train.

Why We’re Damned If We Don’t Sleep With Him

Saying ‘no’ to sex early on in the relationship can bring on a whole other slew of challenges. Number one, as my girlfriend Amy’s date story showed, it can be mentally and physically frustrating NOT to act on our strong physical desire.  Sure, it depends on the woman and her libido – but hey, don’t judge her if hers is greater than yours; not everyone is good at going months (or years) without sex.

Secondly, if we fight off our desire to have sex with him early in the relationship and slowly come to the realization he isn’t The One, didn’t we, in a way, just miss out on a potentially fantastic, short-term sexual relationship?  Isn’t there something to be said for enjoying any kind of passion we experience, even if it doesn’t turn into True Love? Again, this depends on each individual woman and what she can handle; I’m not going to tell anyone what’s best for her.  But I will point out that sex is a normal, healthy, beautiful experience whether it’s experienced under the canopy of ‘like’ or ‘love.’  And ALL our sexual experiences can be used as tools to teach us something about ourselves, our bodies, men, and even life.

Thirdly, if we wait a long period of time before taking a new partner to bed, we run the risk of them being, well….a lousy lover.  I recently heard the story of a 35-year-old divorced mom who didn’t have sex with her new man for three months.  By this point, she was in love with him and they were making serious plans for their future.  When they finally decided to make love, it turned out her partner had serious erectile problems – he’d had them for years.  Look where following the Rule Book got her…(shaking head); would you want to be in her bed?

Tossing The Rule Book

No matter how many happy couples you poll, you’ll hear of ‘happy endings’ from those who had sex right away, as well as from those who waited months.  So in the end, I think it’s important that we not get too caught up in the ’shoulds’ and ’should nots’ of a outdated rule book that guarantees nothing except feelings of upset or guilt when we follow it and it doesn’t work out.  My only real conclusion at this point is that one should exercise a little bit of caution, a little bit of restraint, and work at being a BIG bit happy with herself and the choices she makes.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make some ‘well-made mistakes’ as I try to find my new Mr Right, than make ‘well-made excuses’ for how I’ve lived/not lived my life.

But for those of you who might find yourself in the same situation as for my ‘frisky’ friend Amy, who’s STILL determined to wait till the third date before having sex, I’ll advise you in the same girlfriend way I did with her:  The next time you see him  a)  don’t shave you legs or bikini before going out.   And b)  if you’re ovulating, for God’s sake, cancel!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

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