In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

Last week I was contemplating an eye opening question previously posed by our marriage counselor, this week I’m defensive about an eye opening question posed by my husband

Then – 12/23/2003

“Last night was quite interesting.  When ‘Carl’ came home from his AA meeting he was in a bad mood.  It appears that some people were talking about their family life and their ‘happily ever after’ stories.

He said ‘I know this is hard on you but do you have any idea how hard this is on me?’  I grit my teeth and said ‘Yes, I know how hard it is but you chose this situation, I didn’t.  I didn’t ask for this but I have to live with the consequences of your choices.’  Then he said the ultimate slap in the face – ‘I know what I’m doing to fix this, but what are you doing?’

How f*&%ing dare he question what I’m doing!  Here are some of the things I’m doing to fix this insane situation that HE put us in:

• I get out of bed every morning instead of curling up and never getting out
• I take care of the kids and the house alone
• I go to work and stay focused so I don’t lose my job like he’s about to
• I try to continue as normal an existence as possible
• I try to focus on positive things in order to keep from screaming and crying
• I let him stay in this house instead of permanently kicking him out
• I sleep in the same bed even when I don’t feel like it
• I know my job is to keep this family together but I don’t have to be ‘in love’ to do it
• I went to his dysfunctional family Christmas to keep peace
• I try to get by day by day with some sanity
• I keep it together UNMEDICATED!!

Now – 3/6/11

After I vented in my journal that night and vented to people close to me, I realized how much I had been bottling up inside.  I was doing the best I could with the situation but growing very resentful in the process.  I remember feeling like I was going to explode when he questioned what I was doing to fix this.  I can look back now and see that his main concern was the marriage, not getting better for his sake.  He was using his disease against me in many ways and putting me on the defensive was just one of them.

He wanted me to show him that I wanted to fix the marriage, however keeping things as normal as possible for the sake of the kids was all I was interested in.  We had been to marriage counseling for quite awhile prior to finding out about his alcohol addiction and nothing had changed for me.  The interesting thing that I can see as I look back on that time is that as he questioned what I was doing to fix the situation that he created, I was beginning to take on a ‘victim’ role.  I was beginning to keep a score card entitled ‘What did I do to deserve this?’  The more he focused on me, the greater my focus became on my ‘sad story’.  Looking back I am grateful for his misguided anger because it brought into the spotlight many issues that I had ignored for a long time; his question actually created a different awareness for me than I believe he intended.

The more he pushed, the more I went inside to figure out what I had been avoiding for many years.  The main question – Was this marriage worth fixing?

Next week – Pressure to feel

“The big topic that came up during our argument was that he feels I don’t even want to be in a relationship.  He feels that when he’s recovered I don’t even want to stay around; he thinks I’ve already made up my mind on the subject and that nothing he does to get better is going to change that.

After rereading my journal (entries written in 2000) I realized that I have felt hurt, disappointment and lack of respect for many years and I’m still plugging along.  Why?  Good question.  I think due in large part to the kids; I don’t want to disrupt their lives.  They love their dad.  It’s also due in part to the fact that I come from a divorced family and I want better for my kids even though the situations are very different.

I’ll never forget the time I had gone to see Dr. ‘Brody’ (our marriage therapist) and I was so happy to tell her about a dream I had.  The dream was about all the things that I wouldn’t have ‘Carl’s’ help with if he wasn’t around (when the kids were younger his help was important to me).  I told her about the dream and felt like I had made a breakthrough regarding why I wanted ‘Carl’ in my life.  She listened and then said ‘But those are all the things that he does to help around the house.  What would you miss as a woman, emotionally, if he wasn’t around?’  I was dumbfounded.  Emotionally?  What would I miss?  Then I started to think about all the problems I wouldn’t have if he wasn’t in my life.  I’ll have to explore that idea soon.

Bottom line is that he feels I have made up my mind regarding our relationship.  I say, who knows what will happen?  I’ve lived with anger, frustration, disappointment and hurt for 10 years so what’s another 10 years?”

Now – 2/27/11

I was so torn at the time I wrote that journal entry.  I had ‘Carl’ hovering over me, testing me with his passive aggressive behavior, searching for answers to our future and fighting me when I didn’t have any to give.  I did not want my children to be the product of a divorce and wanted space to figure out what to do.  It was difficult for ‘Carl’ to give me space during the earlier years when we were happily married therefore, with the end of our marriage hanging in the lurch, he was suffocating me.

I did feel compassion for him.  I knew the uncertainty was driving him crazy but I was trying to make sense of many years of marital dysfunction, adding the newest revelation of his addiction onto the pile of issues.  The camel’s back was at a breaking point before the revelation; now I needed to put all the pieces of this warped puzzle together.

What I didn’t fully comprehend when I had previously shared my dream with my therapist was that I was beginning the separation process long before I found out he was an alcoholic.  When she asked me what I would miss emotionally, I thought about it during our session and then stuffed it away because I really wasn’t ready to address what my lack of answers might mean to my future.  I didn’t realize that such a simple question would become so difficult and so important for me to answer.

Unfortunately the role of defensiveness was contagious and less than two weeks later I was ready to blow.

Next week – What are you doing to fix this?

• Are you thinking about divorce? If so, what would you miss emotionally?
• Are you divorce? If so, have you found yourself with emotional longings for your ex?

Have you arrived at the very last stop on the marriage train?

Did you get on the train early and shut your eyes tight, when all along, there were stops where you could have opened your eyes and reframed your outlook, so that you might have been able to ride the train for the long haul?

Like me, maybe you didn’t. But then what?

First comes denial. Then comes recognizing your crumbling marriage. And then comes, what the hell do I do with the baby carriage?

Denial is okay. I think it gives us courage (a cousin to stupidity).  If we knew how painful the consequences of a decision were going to be, we wouldn’t act. If you are standing on a cliff overlooking an abyss, wouldn’t it be better not to know how far up you actually were, or how cold the water was? Maybe it’s better to take the plunge first, and deal with the consequences afterwards. Besides, we can’t really deal with the consequences of our actions until they’ve happened anyway, when we have real facts to work with. There’s no point in fearing the hypothetical.

So say you’ve jumped. And the water is colder than you could have ever imagined, and the waves as rough as a tsunami. Drowning, desperate, you scan the area for a lifeboat…something. This might come in the form of drugs to numb the pain, friends who encourage you to drink heavily, or another man who extends his oar in your direction. At this point, grasp for whichever is closer. Hell, hop on all three. Or whatever works for you.

The truth is, we get so hung up on the how, that we are unable to act on the why. But making any kind of major life change, where the fall out is clearly painful, is so daunting, that how is the least of your worries. And that question that burns in the forefront of your mind, what will everyone else think of me? Think about this: nobody really cares as much as you think they do. They will get over it, a lot faster than you will.

There is no easy way to stand up for what you want, because it almost always means hurting people you love. We want things to be easy and harmonious, our actions and their effects invisible, but maybe once we accept that this is not possible, and understand that there is a price for every choice we make (unlike when we were 24 and could make decisions without consequence), perhaps that is when we can start putting one foot in front of the other, down a path that we choose.

I only know what I’ve come to learn going down the path I’ve chosen. And I can’t go back. I learned that the hard way. At first, I tricked myself into thinking that I could climb all the way back up to the precipice I jumped from. Maybe I needed to believe that to jump in the first place. But I do not believe that any path we choose is ever wrong. It’s just different, and sometimes in stark contrast from what we had pictured in our heads – and so it is wildly disorienting when we first set foot on it.

No matter what – it’s going to suck. But you’ll survive. And maybe, you’ll even thrive.

JK Rowling said at her commencement speech at Harvard: “And rock bottom is the foundation on which I built my life.”

You’ve heard of JK Rowling, right?

Cougel’s novel, “The Virgin Wife,” a portrait of a marriage in crisis set in Hollywood, is being shopped to publishers by a literary agent at ICM, and her personal essay, “The Chicken or the Egg,” about the pressures of a woman’s biological clock, will be published in an anthology by Simon & Schuster in 2011. She also maintains a popular blog: “The Cougel Chronicles: Tales of a Jewish Cougar” where she chronicles her struggles as a divorced woman in her late thirties. She has also guest blogged for other dating sites and was featured in the Examiner’s “Behind the Blogger.”

Submitted by: Shelley Stile

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I know I should move on – the list of “cons” to being married to him is so LOOOONG.   But I am attached/co-dependent on him and I constantly think about what we COULD have (if he was different) and I keep hoping and beleiving that MAYBE if he would change we would have what I always wanted.  Why am I attached to a loser?????

Kim

Answer:

Dear Kim,

The interesting part of this journey is finding out why you are attracted to someone  and a marriage that does not serve you. When you find the answer it can transform your future.  Its about doing some inner work for self-discovery and growth.

Nonetheless, you are not living in reality or ‘what is’. You are living in a fantasy of what ‘could be’ or should be’ versus what is.  He is who he is. It’s futile to think about what you could have had ‘if’?  You have what you have right here and now.  Acceptance of our true reality leads us to be able to start making new choices as to how we want to live our life.

Start with yourself.  Begin examining your own behavior and patterns and see how the way you are being is harming you and robbing you of all the possibilities that just might exist for you.  If you think that you are co-dependent figure out the why behind it and stop being co-dependent.

Get coached or see a therapist.  Start taking actionable steps towards a new future.

Regards,

Shelly

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.lifeafterdivorce.com.

“Do you blog?” “You must blog!”  “What do you mean you don’t blog?”  Comments to me, the woman who resisted e-mail as long as she could.  The former lawyer who still wrote longhand on yellow legal pads long after word processing became de rigueur.

My daughter rolled her eyes when I told her my website now had a placeholder for a “blog.”  Her reaction was the most insightful, as it often is.  So many people I know seem caught up in a non-stop e-mailing, tweeting, Facebook status posting, Blackberrying, texting, blogging, well — roll.  Me included at times, and wishing I could take back the occasional banal, angry or typo-encrusted missive.

Whatever comes into our heads immediately moves through our fingers and out into cyberspace.  Send.  Play.  Fast Forward.

All keys worn to the nub except one:  the pause button.

What happens when our failure to pause is played out in the real world where lives, families and marriages are at stake?  Well, in those instances, an easy-in marriage can turn into an easy-out divorce.   Aided and abetted by the law of no-fault divorce that now exists in all 50 states, which permits one spouse to simply decide one day that the basic building blocks of our culture – marriage and family – are history.  Assisted by a legislatively blessed legal system of judges, lawyers and support personnel who galvanize the process of family disintegration to its inevitable conclusion.

No pause button.

Rare is the existence of a waiting period in the no-fault divorce system before the litigation tanks begin to roll.  No mandatory counseling exists either where children are involved.  Neither is there a process for parents to explore the possibility of reconciliation.  All systems are set to “go.”  And those who would dare resist dissolution of their family are often dismissed as recalcitrant troublemakers who lack the ability to face reality and simply move on.

We know what happens in life without the necessary pauses.  A baby not quite ready to walk, tumbles.  The teen-child who still needs her mother’s guidance becomes a mother herself.  We step out from the curb before we see the bus.  And parents who might otherwise get through the latest crisis with patience, forgiveness and counseling?  We know all too well where so many of them end up.

The beauty of the pause is that it has the power to bring us back to whom we are and what we hold dear before we step pell-mell from the curb, propelled into action that can irrevocably change everything and accomplish nothing.

Author Bio:

Beverly Willett is a writer and former entertainment attorney. She writes about divorce, marriage and parenting, and her articles have appeared in many publications, including The New York Times, Newsweek, Woman’s Day, Family Circle, Prevention, Salon.com, Parenting and The Daily Beast. She’s also a former Contributing Editor to Chicken Soup for the Soul Magazine and a long-time advisor to Parentalwisdom.com. She has extensive knowledge about the judicial system and is passionate about divorce reform. Through her writing, she hopes to make people aware of what it’s really like on the other side of divorce and separation. She is currently at work on her first book.

A native of Southern Maryland, Willett has lived and worked in New York City for over 20 years. She attended Penn State University where she received a degree in political science, then moved to Washington, D.C. to get her law degree at Catholic University’s Columbus School of Law. As a lawyer, she worked with the music organization ASCAP, then with Willkie Farr & Gallagher where she helped form one of New York City’s hottest off-Broadway theaters, MCC Theater, later becoming MCC Theater’s first Chairman of the Board. After Willkie, she headed up business affairs for CBS International before moving to Carro Spanbock Kaster & Cuiffo, where she represented well-known clients in the areas of music, television, film, theater and photography. For several years, she also lobbied and represented ASCAP in proceedings before the U.S. Copyright Office.

Her two best moments occurred in the 1990s when she gave birth to the loves of her life — her two daughters.

Visit her website: www.beverlywillett.com

Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike. But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?

The Passive Aggressive Man…

1. Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withhold something he knows you want?
2. Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.
3. Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing, in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is after all his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you. He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman who expects too much from him.
4. Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare from something in a few hours that would normally take days.
5. Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue then distance himself.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom. The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship.  He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy.  All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

More About Passive Aggressive Behavior in Men:

Setting Limits and Boundaries With The Passive Aggressive Man

Join the New DWO Community!

Is your life good, are you thankful, playful, do you embrace joy? If so, join the Divorced Women Online Community and give advice and support to those who are new to life after divorce.

Are you struggling to rebuilt your life, are you feeling hopeless and unsure where to go from here? If so, JOIN NOW and connect with others who are walking the same path and learn from those who have, “been there, done that.”
Recommended reading:
Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I have been married for four years. It is my first marriage and his second.  He continually says things to me like, “this ship has sailed”, “you and I don’t connect at all” and “our marriage is failing 100% because of you.”  So I tell him I want to work out an amicable separation, but then he just clams up, refuses to resolve anything, and tells me he wants me to stay.

My question to you is:  If he has so much to say about my shortcomings and no longer feels a connection between us, then why does he avoid talking about divorce? It’s like a push-pull situation.  I feel I’ve been left no room to fix anything.

Cathy

Answer:

Dear Cathy:

Have the two of you attempted counselling?  There is obviously a huge communication gap between the two of you.  Do you want to work on this marriage?  Does he?  Is his inability to communicate something new or is it, as I suspect, something that has been going on for a longer time?

No one person is ever 100% at fault in a marriage’s problems.  Never. There are two people in a marriage and therefore there are two people responsible. Each of you is fully responsible for your actions and your marriage.  To place all the so-called blame on one person is to be a victim and victims are powerless.

If you cannot talk about this, if either of you is unwilling or unable to do some deep self-assessment, then you need to consider what your options are.  Marriage, like any other successful endeavour in life, takes work and effort and if one of you is unable to make that commitment then it seems like it is time to move on.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Question

Dear Shelley,

I am in a nine-year marriage marriage and there is no love left between us.  All we do is argue, we can’t communicate, there is no intimacy whatsoever, and I am currently unemployed.

I don’t know how I can support myself if I divorce him.  There are no jobs in my city. It is really exhausting keeping this relationiship going.  I’m tired of him and  really don’t care about him anymore. What should I do?

Lori

Answer:

Dear Lori,

What do you want to do?  What do you want the rest of your life to look like?  How could you support yourself? Have you looked into employment yet?  Have you considered other towns?  Have you considered further training in areas of the economy where they are hiring?  Like health-care? Have you truly looked at all the options out there?  Have you exhausted your research?

Every first step begins with a plan. If you’ve spent time in an abusive relationship getting out means planning for your escape; where you will live, your financial future. While putting your plan together follow the rules below. Keep yourself safe until you can get out of the relationship for good.

1. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you sense you are about to be abused or receive violent treatment. You should avoid rooms that have no exits such as a bathroom or basement and rooms where weapons may be found such as the kitchen.
2. Have a list of people that you consider to be “safe” contacts so you will have someone you can call or go to for help.
3. Always have change with you in case you are stranded and need to make a phone call.Make a list of important phone numbers and memorize them.
4. Create a secret word or sign that you can use so that your family, friends or co-workers will know you need them to call for help.
5. Plan what you will say to your partner if they become abusive or violent.
6. Always remember that you are entitled to live without fear and violence.

Now it is time to set your plan in action. You have to have somewhere to go, a way to support yourself so that your new life gets off to a secure proper beginning. Below are things you need to have in place in order to move on and rebuild your life.

• Leave: You need somewhere to go. If you can’t afford a place of your own find a friend or family member who will allow you to stay with them until you are able to get a place of your own. Or use the legal system to have him removed from the home.You can do this by filing for divorce and petitioning the court for exclusive rights to the marital home. The danger with this strategy is that he will know where you are. You are safer leaving and finding safe harbor with a friend or relative.
• Bank Account: You are going to need an account in your name only. If you’ve been planning correctly you will have this set up with a bit of money in it before you leave. DO NOT set up a new account in the same bank you have a joint account with him. Find a new bank, close to the location you will be living.
• Money: You’re going to need this too. Where can you get it from? All kinds of places; if you work have some of your salary sent to your new bank account. What if he is a financial control freak? All is not lost; collect change from his pockets, save some of the grocery money, do anything you can do and save up. When you are ready to go, don’t throw your wedding ring at him, pawn it! Don’t burn your wedding dress, sell it!

Sell/pawn anything you can get your hands on before you go. Right before you leave (like a few days before) see if you can cash in any mutual funds/savings accounts/CD’s or anything else you jointly own. This is a risky business, so only do it if you are sure he won’t find out until you are gone. Call the financial institution and inquire about redemption procedures, it may be easier than you think.

• Legal help: Yes, you are going to need an attorney. If you haven’t done it already, now would be a good time to go to your local women’s crisis center for information. They will know the law in your State and will be able to help you find legal aid services, offer counseling and assistance with housing, protection orders, child custody, divorce, etc…

Now that you are out or, he is out there are steps you need to take to protect yourself and your new life.

1. If you’re still in the home you shared with your husband change every door lock even if the door was not in use. Your husband may have a key and you don’t want him to be able to get in. Be sure all of the windows are locked.
2. Be sure you change your phone number if you’re still in the home you shared with him. Change it even if you have moved to a new location. Get an unlisted number and do not give it out to anyone you’re not sure you can trust.
3. Get an answering machine so that you can screen your phone calls.
4. Document and keep the records of all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving him in a safe place. You may need those records when contacting support programs for help. You will definitely need those records when seeking legal assistance.
5. If you are confronted by your husband be sure you have an escape plan ready and be prepared to use it.
6. Make sure all meetings with husband are held in a public place. Never agree to a private meeting even if he is being nice to you.
7. Do not follow the same routine every day. Take different routes to and from your home or place of work. Shop at different times and in different locations. Don’t have lunch or dinner in the same place every day.
8. If you have children in school alert them to your situation. Put a plan in place with the school so they will know what to do if trouble arises.
9. Talk to your boss, tell him/her about your situation and make plans in case your husband harasses you at work or shows up. Alert your co-workers and business contacts too.
10. Do your best to avoid being home alone. Don’t go to isolated areas.

I hope you understand the importance of having both a short and long-term plan when attempting to leave an abusive husband. Start making your plans now so that you can get out and stay out either today or down the road. If you don’t, you may well end up dead. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).