When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Cases like these are the cancer of divorce.

Sometimes I think that the work of experts on divorce is really akin to oncologists who work with cancers of all types.  Some are curable, some require intensive treatment and have a good outcome and sometimes the cancer is so aggressive that all you can do is help the patient cope.

It is inevitable –whenever I touch upon almost any subject regarding divorce, whether its child support, money, or what truth is too much truth, I will hear of cases where it is obvious that whatever can be done is simply not enough. Some marriages die a terrible death.

What one disturbed parent can do to children and to an ex that he or she once loved is often hard to believe. It is a sad fact that most kidnappings in the United States occur in the context of divorce – and violence is not uncommon. The courts and the criminal justice system are overwhelmed and not a fine honed tool. Police arrive and sometimes arrest the wrong parent.

Child protection laws sometimes protect, but they are also used by manipulative parents to gain advantage in court by falsely accusing an ex in order to gain leverage over the kids and child support money.  Judges are only human, and have too many difficult cases to handle.

My heart breaks for the children that are subject to these horrors. Lying, promiscuity and adultery are, in my opinion, small things in comparison to no food, no electricity, living in shelters and violence (both physical and verbal). The former is how relationships can fall apart in bad ways. The latter is about whether or not the man (or woman) has the sense of duty to make things right even if he (or she) did something terribly wrong.

So often in divorce, people act out. They can be angry and self righteous or sometimes just feel free for the first time in decades and become the adult equivalent to acting out teenagers. Inevitably, the children are injured, not by the divorce itself, but by how it is handled.

So, what can be done?

If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a story which is largely not of your own making. You have to respond to an ex spouse who just wants to win – and at all costs.

What you do have control over here is your own sanity, and the innocent ears of your precious children. Therapy is really a must. All the outrage must be mobilized productively, and all the hurt and fear needs to be soothed. Children rarely benefit from an angry parent, even if he or she is justified.

You make hundreds of decisions everyday that can impact your kids and, hard as it is to believe, you may have some leverage with your ex if you don’t fall into his traps. For instance, if you are angry and spout off time and again, your home can become a frightening place for your kids.

Or, on the other hand, they may identify with your temper and act out in school as bullies – it happens and I have seen it. And if you are so angry that you provoke a fight in public with your ex, he can use it against you in court to show how “unstable” you are. I have seen this too. You don’t want to give him this kind of power.

A therapist will help you grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you held dear, including a sense that the world is fair. It all has to go, because children need a stable and realistic parent to help show them the way back to sanity.

When speaking about being realistic, in dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and still co parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on him as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police.

You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you’re not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center.  No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child’s therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent.

On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated.

It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot. It is the best medicine that we have.

Author Bio: Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

I was lucky to have the support of my friends and family when I went through my divorce.  While I’m grateful, I also recognize how those closest to us can hold us back and prevent healthy closure.

Upon hearing the news of my cheating husband and pending separation, a co-worker advised, “You’ll want alimony.  You’re lucky that you can get it these days.  It hasn’t always been so easy.”  When I told her that I was looking forward to financial independence, she was shocked.  “You never know,” she warned.  “It would be nice to have some extra money.”

“Make him pay,” a friend told me as she handed over the phone number for her attorney.

Yet another pal educated me about fault divorces and suggested that I expose my husband’s infidelity through the court system.  I was instructed to slash his tires, take his business and smear his name all over town.

I obeyed only a few of those suggestions.  I made threats and held on to some petty treasures.  Ultimately, that behavior benefitted nobody.  It proved only to stall the process, thus delaying my decree of liberation.

My friends meant well and did exactly as they thought they should.  They stuck by my side and defended me.  They wanted to protect me from the perceived enemy.  The problem was that I didn’t want to fight against my ex to obtain a divorce.  I intended to work with him to reach our common goal of dissolving the marriage.  That’s really what divorce is all about, isn’t it?

The truth is that our well-meaning friends and family can retard our healing.  While it’s often true that we need support in the beginning, the time will come when we can again stand on our own.  Unfortunately, we might not realize it if we are surrounded by loved ones who remain depressed, angry, confused, bitter or vengeful on our behalf.

Attitudes and emotions are contagious.  It’s impossible to move on when Mom is still coddling us.  It’s hard to forgive and let go if our best friend reminds us every day that the ex is a piece of trash.  How can we find compassion in our hearts while our co-workers are coaching us to exact revenge?  Remember that old saying about sleeping with dogs?  You get the idea…

Remaining angry and re-enforcing negative aspects of the relationship or separation will not propel you closer to freedom.  Rather, it will ensure that you remain a prisoner of your pain.  The opposite of love is indifference.  If you’re hating, you’re not healing.  And if others are helping you hate, they’re hurting your game.

For maximum mental health, pay attention to the attitudes of those around you.  Focus on the present and ask your friends for their encouragement toward your new and improved life.  Learn from the past and then let it go.  Your future will thank you.

Author Bio:

Tara Eisenhard is a pro-divorce enthusiast.  She believes that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce.  She loves dogs, drives a Saturn and happily cohabitates with a divorced dad.  Tara is the author of the blog “Relative Evolutions” located at thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com.  She tweets @dvrcncouragist and welcomes feedback via divorce.encouragist@gmail.com.

Human beings have a natural tendency to pay attention only to data that supports their pre-existing point of view or desire. Information that contradicts their beliefs or wishes is filtered-out of their awareness. Obviously this practice can lead to severely distorted notions of people and events and to making very poor choices and decisions.

I see this selective attention “phenomenon” in many divorced clients I work with. Once it is decided there will be a divorce one or the other spouse will begin to rewrite the history of the marriage and especially the biography of the person they were married to.

The ex becomes evil and this sort of thinking is most prevalent in the one seeking a divorce. Why? Guilt, shame a way to justify their actions. We feel better about ourselves if the ex is evil and we had no choice but to leave.

What is wrong with this kind of thinking? It takes away any chance of a civil divorce. It damages any children of the marriage and God forbid an adversarial attorney become involved with the selective attention thinker. You can kiss a large chunk of your marital assets goodbye if this happens.

I remember my ex as being a kind and loving man. He was a great father and as long as he had us, up until the day he left we never wanted for anything. He had his issues just as I did. He could be hurtful but in no way was he evil. Being able to remember him in this way enables me to see him as human…someone who makes mistakes but isn’t evil.

It helps me to continue to try and have a civil relationship with him. Something we should all strive to have with an ex-spouse.

He on the other hand, remembers me as being the cause of all his misery. An abusive shrew that kept him from living the life he wanted to live. His revision of who I was in the marriage and who I am as a person keeps him from being able to see me as human. I have to be seen as the evil one in order for him to continue to feel good about himself and the destructive decisions he has made since leaving the marriage.

Because of this he will never be able to have a civil relationship with me.

Just as our marriage failed, so has our divorce. The key to a successful divorce is the ability of both spouses to see each other as flawed human beings, not as evil beings.

Is the way you process data about your ex keeping you from having a “successful divorce?”

Author Bio: Jan Meacham practices Family and Marriage therapy in Nashville, TN.  Jan is in the process of writing her fist book about her own experience with the divorce process and it’s aftermath.

I was writing an e-workbook for a teleclass I was going to give on the topic of forgiveness.  As I always approach this type of writing project, I wrote down my thoughts about where I’ve been, how I moved forward and where I am now in regards to the topic.  Forgiveness is one of those areas that bring up a lot of emotion, justification, awareness, stubbornness, hurt feelings, etc.  But as I sat writing down my thoughts the following visual exercise came to mind:

Exercise – Imagine you have been given an all expense paid trip to an unknown destination.  You are told to arrive at the airport and go immediately through the security check.  You are asked to leave the things in the bins on the conveyor belt that won’t be good for your trip; things that will weigh you down; specifically the resentments you’ve been carrying.

First you are asked to take off your shoes – they represent the need to kick someone that has hurt you, your desire to run away from your feelings or the images of stomping on the people you feel deserve it.

Next you are asked to empty your pockets of things like your ex-spouse who betrayed you, your ex mother-in-law who made you feel unwelcome, your friend from 8^th grade that spread untrue rumors about you, the person who cut you off on the parkway, your boss who treated you disrespectfully.

You are then asked to take off any outer covering you’re wearing that represents the heavy weight you’ve been carrying as you’ve traveled through life with these resentments.

The security guard tells you that you must leave your “old baggage” behind; that you have to start this journey packing only hope, optimism and gratitude.

Next you need to go through the “MENTAL detector”.  This device scans your body and will be able to tell if you are still holding onto resentments in your heart, mind or soul.  You are told you’ll have to keep going to the back of the line until you leave your resentments in the bins and the mental detector senses forgiveness running throughout your body.

You have to return to the back of the line a few times, but you have finally released your resentments and have embraced forgiveness.  You are given your boarding pass.

You quickly look at the destination on the ticket.  It’s a destination that you’ve never been to but always hoped for the opportunity to visit.  You realize why you needed to pack lightly, why you needed to leave your resentments behind and why you needed to embrace forgiveness.  The destination on the ticket reads “FREEDOM”.

I once read that “Resentment is the poison I take, wishing the other person would die”.  I literally felt that saying in every cell of my body.  I knew it to be true in my own life.  The only way I would get to earn the ticket to freedom was to leave my old baggage behind, forgive old resentments and move forward with hope, optimism and gratitude.

• For one day or one week keep a tally of the time you take feeding on resentful thoughts and feelings.  What else could you be doing with that energy?

• When have you practiced a behavior that has caused someone else to be hurt?  How can you break the cycle?

• Forgiving ourselves can clear the path to forgiving others.  What have you not forgiven yourself for?

Author bio: Dawn Sinnott been a CPA for 22 years however her life experiences have empowered her to become a divorce recovery life coach.  The interesting thing about Dawn’s story is that she was recovering from her ex-husband’s addiction at the same time she was recovering from her divorce and was able to use the same Spiritual tools to recover from both difficult situations.  Dawn is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with anyone considering divorce, in the midst of divorce or post-divorce and asking “Now what?”  Her message is “If Marriage is a Spiritual Union of two people’s lives, why has divorce become only a Legal Separation?”  In Dawn’s experience the Spiritual Dissolution of her marriage was even more important than the legal dissolution.  The legal dissolution did not help her with the acceptance of my situation. It didn’t help her with fear of the unknown or the changes that were brought about by her divorce.  She believes that divorce can be a catalyst to live a more authentic life with new hope and possibilities; She knows this to be true in her own life and loves empowering people and helping them to see that they’re not alone.

There has to be a point where everyone finds neutrality around the events of divorce. We can’t move ahead without letting go of our past, clearing the way for better things to come into our lives. There are many ways to hold on: longing, depression, actively seeking attention. Other ways of holding on is remaining angry and upset, still raging over the details or unfairness of it all.

The opposite of love is not anger, it is neutrality. It is a place of balance and acceptance where we can detach and move on. This is what we strive for in divorce recovery: an acceptance of our past pains and traumas, detaching from the emotion, and moving on to a new, full, and happy life.

Anger can be a strong emotional tie to an ex. It is not neutral at all. In order to feel that anger, the feeling of betrayal is still fresh, which means we still care that we were hurt. When we hang on to our anger, it keeps the ex in our awareness. He or she is never far away if we keep our emotions raw by continuing to react to them, which delays the detachment. Anger does not help us transcend divorce, it keeps us stuck in the pain of it. If we are to release our ex, we must release the anger.

The reason for keeping an ex close emotionally is not necessarily because a reconciliation is wanted, but because doing so provides an outlet for processing the pain. Projecting anger onto what we perceive as the source of that anger is a natural reaction. But as conscious, thinking adults we must be mindful that there is a point where this becomes inappropriate and emotionally abusive. When the divorce papers are signed, it is time to let go of that pattern and process anger appropriately.

Being forced to let go of someone we shared so much with, and may even still love, is an extraordinarily difficult process. Some people hang on rather than face that kind of pain. But if we don’t break the patterns of our behavior in the way we engage the ex, we can’t move on, and that leads to bitterness, cynicism and waste later on. We can continue to work on ourselves and learn how best to detach. But what if it is our ex who is holding on so tightly?

If it is at all possible, it is best to cut all ties between you. If an ex is still in pain and wanting to hold on, and we are ready to be “just friends”, it ends up hurting everyone when we think we can handle communicating. They will be harboring the hope that we’ll get back together, and we will end up feeling guilty or impatient. There may be a time in the future that we can work on developing a friendly relationship, but for now, we each need to heal.

More often, though, there are children or unfinished business that forces us to have occasional communications with the ex. This can be very trying and emotionally draining if the ex uses guilt, is berating, dismissive, angry or does anything other than use a cooperative, civil tone. If we are experiencing this from an ex, it is fairly safe to assume that they are not letting go, and are probably using us to work through pain. It is likely they will not recognize this in themselves, and that is ok. It only matters that we understand what is going on, so that we can deal with it effectively.

When an ex is not acting balanced and neutral, that is the time to assess how we’ve been responding. Any emotional reaction in our response back to him is fueling the fire. We must be diligent in our efforts to stay balanced and neutral so that we can remain aware when that pattern of button-pushing/reaction begins. This awareness will buy us time to choose a new way to react, and ultimately, change the pattern. Remember the old adage, “If you keep doing what you were doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting”.

It is in everyone’s best interest to take the higher road. In this case, it would be by understanding that the inappropriate behavior is born out of pain. Their actions are not about us, it is not personal, it is about them processing their trauma. We are not only the person they turned to for so long in times of trouble, they also consider us the source of the trauma, so they project their pain onto us. Even though it may be difficult, using kindness, compassion, and detachment will go a long way in helping both parties find neutral ground. After all, no one can treat us poorly unless we allow it. If we stop our part in the pushed-button/reaction dance, then he will shift as well.

Neutrality means there is no bad attitude, hint of frustration or irritation, it is neither condescending nor superior. Neutrality is similar to a moderately pleasant detachment. It says to the other person “I’m not engaging with you, but I’m not ignoring you either”. Neutrality is respectful and protects our boundaries.

The ex will not expect this new shift in response, so we must be prepared that he will ignore our new balanced and neutral response, and push further and harder. Rather than take the bait, we will just keep repeating ourselves until he understands that we are not buying into or contributing to the drama anymore. The best way to stop the cycle is not to engage to begin with. If we don’t react back, the argument will fizzle because there is no one to argue with. All we need to do, when with our exes, is to state our business and end the conversation.

If he is being dismissive, condescending, using guilt, lashing out, or is using anything other than civility, we can very gently and firmly, without emotion and irritation in our voices, say “I’m dropping Junior off and will be back at 7 to get him”. If he continues to push, and he probably will, simply repeat it. Do this 3 times, then walk out or hang up. If he is raging so fast and furiously that there is no chance to get heard, then we have every right to just walk out or hang up. There is no excuse for verbal abuse. The discussion can pick up when he is calmer.

Repeating phrases is effective. It gives us something to say instead of reacting emotionally. It is good for us to practice being calm and detached in the face of someone trying to intimidate or manipulate. It also lets him know that there is no argument here, we are not buying into the drama anymore. He is arguing with himself, we are done.

If there is an issue with threats or stalking, call the police. We are incapable of “saving” them, there is a time and place for professionals to take over.

His anger is his problem to work through. We can’t make it our problem by reacting to it. He is responsible for his emotions and reactions and for finding the help he needs, just as we are only responsible for ourselves. We cannot change our exes, we can only change our reaction to them. Their problems are not our business anymore.

Not everyone is on the same healing path. We will all get there if we do the work now. Boundaries are important, but so is compassion and forgiveness…for all of us!

It takes two to keep an argument going. If we change the pattern, stop the interaction, and go back to our grounded, quiet center, we will claim the power to change the dynamics. We do not have to solve the entire problem for everyone concerned. We only have to solve the problem for ourselves. This is transcending the pain and trauma of divorce, and this path leads the way to peace.

©Joni James

When not leading her social club for over-40 singles, Joni James blogs about using divorce as a tool to recreating a fullfilling and joyful new life. She will facilitate a divorce recovery conference in Austin, Texas in May 2010.

You may find Joni at:

Transcend Divorce: http://doorways2freedom.com
Austin Social Club:  http://www.meetup.com/AustinSocialClub

Submitted by: Shelley Stile

The clients who come to me for help in letting go and moving on after their divorce discover that acceptance, a mandatory step in divorce recovery, comes in two stages. First we work to be in acceptance of the end of our marriage and then we move on to accept what our life is now, in the present. This second step in the acceptance process seems to be the more difficult hurdle to overcome but it can be overcome successfully.

Accept the Fact that the Marriage is Over

Acceptance of the undeniable fact that our marriage is over must be fully integrated into our psyche for us to be able to create a new life. We need to look back over our marriage and see exactly where we have confused what actually happened with our own personal interpretation. All too often our interpretations of the events of our marriage are simply not true, not factual. Our deep hurts have a tendency to cloud our thinking and limit our perspective.

Be Honest with Yourself

Separating the facts from our biased interpretations will allow us to stop blaming our ex as well as ease our resentments. We also learn how to see that any marriage, no matter what may have occurred, is a product of two people, a mutual creation. Even if one of the partners was unfaithful or deceptive, we must begin to see our part in the collapse of our marriage because only when we can stop blaming and take responsibility for our part, do we take back our power and our ability to move forward. If we are honest with ourselves, we know where we could have done things differently.

Accept Your New Life

Now comes the even more challenging step in acceptance: acceptance of our new life. Once the fact that we are divorced sinks in, reality rears its so-called ugly head. We start to really understand what our life is now that we do not have a partner. All too often, we react with fear, anger and resentment.

Resentment of the Day-to-Day Responsibilities for the Children

There are many common issues that arise amongst my clients. The number one item seems to be the day-to-day responsibilities for the children. Why am I the one who has to handle everything and he gets to play with them every other weekend? I have to do it all: school, homework, discipline, doctors, dentists, conferences, carpooling, groceries, cooking, cleaning, you name it! Then Dad shows up once a week and every other weekend and it seems like its all fun and games. This is unfair.

The List goes on and on and on…

No more regular outings on Saturday nights. There is no one to share household maintenance. Your finances now are solely under your control and for many of us that seems daunting. No more extended family. The holidays loom before us and we are lost. Mutual friends fall by the wayside. Need I go on?

Finding your Hidden Reserve of Strength

This is where the real challenges arise and this is where we learn about our hidden reserves of strength and how much we have learned and grown from the entire experience. There is no doubt that it is hard and seemingly unfair. But guess what? That is the true nature of life. Life is not always a bowl of cherries, quite the opposite. Life is chaotic and there is constant change, oftentimes not to our liking. Life is not always fair. Life just is and we simply cannot control what life throws our way; we can only control how we choose to handle it. This is a fact of life that we must accept in the depths of our very being.

Make Choices

What to do? There are real choices in front of you. You can continue to fight against reality, a reality that you cannot change. You can resist what is for what you think should be and suffer immeasurably. You can remain rooted in your past, a past that no longer exists, and within that past you will continue to be in pain, blame and resentment. Just envision banging your head against a brick wall because that is exactly what you will be doing.

Either You Resist What is or You Accept this New Landscape

You can surrender to the flow of your life’s direction instead of swimming against the current. You can let go of all the things that keep you stuck and chained to your past. You can choose acceptance and with that choice, new possibilities will begin to open for you. You can choose to look for what might be right and what might be opportunities in this new world.

Focus on What is Important

Take for instance the overwhelming responsibilities you now have. Perhaps you are one of the women out there who work and have kids. As an aside, I know that in most cases, you had the bulk of the responsibility during your marriage so things are not that much different. But that being said, start to prioritize. The house is no longer going to be sparkling clean. The kids may have to learn to do their own laundry. There won`t  be home cooked meals every night and guess what? Everyone will still survive and thrive. What is really important? The love and closeness of this new family unit.

The Opportunities Abound although it Might Be Hard to See Them

I know that when I divorced my kids took on more responsibility around the house and they not only rose to the occasion but they are the better for it. I marvel at how they adjusted and simply went on with their lives. Mind you, my ex and I made a pact to get along and do whatever we had to for the kids benefit.

Our meals together were chances to bond. I learned to not sweat all the small stuff: I let go of my to do list and learned what was really important, which turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my divorce. Our vacations together were wonderful and I have phenomenal relationships with my kids. I found a new career. I discovered who my true friends are and have made many new ones. I discovered reservoirs of strength that I did not know existed.

Either Go with the Flow or Drown in Self-Pity

Of course, it isn’t a bed of roses but neither is life in general, no matter whether you are married or divorced. I could go on about all the things within this new life that I am still wrestling with but hey, I wrestled with life when I was married! Life changes and you either go with the flow or drown in self-pity. It remains a matter of choice. It may take years, tons of effort and struggle but anything worthwhile in life takes time and effort.

Your Perspective will Change your Reality

You must drop unrealistic expectations that life should be a certain way and go with the way that life is. You must learn to change your perspective, embrace what is and choose to look at what the possibilities and opportunities are in this new world of yours. Remember that your perspective will not only change the way you think but it will actually change your reality.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

My question relates to my Ex’s boyfriend. After a rough separation/ Divorce (her idea -  final in 8/10; married for 12 yrs), she has been dating a guy for a few months and against my wishes -introduced him to our 2 Sons ( 6,and 11) in October. Anything I say falls on deaf ears . She really involved him during the holidays — he bought a gift on behalf of the kids to give to her as well as bought them gifts for Christmas. All this feels a little fast and I feel at a loss to deal with it .I have not met him and not looking forward to interacting with him at little league baseball games that start soon. Any suggestions ?

Answer:

The first thing I’m curious about after reading your email is how your boys feel about the new boyfriend. I know how you feel but I think more important than that is how they feel. Are they comfortable around him? Do they like him and spending time with him? If so, then that is all that matters isn’t it?

I can understand your feelings and am not trying to dismiss them. I shudder to think how I would have felt if my ex had introduced my boys to a new girlfriend so shortly after our divorce was final. It would have been painful and of course, I would have been concerned about how it would affect them. I fully understand where you are coming from!

I suggest you follow your boy’s lead. If they appear to have no problem with the new boyfriend then you have the ACT as if you have no problem. At times us parents have to pretend like all is well to keep our children feeling emotionally comforted. So, I suggest you do as your boys do in this situation. If they are happy then you be happy or at least act as if you are happy.

On the other hand, if this situation with the new boyfriend seems to be causing your boys distress then you should consider talking to your divorce attorney. It is common for divorcing couples to have a clause included in their final divorce decree stating that neither parent is to introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend to the children for a certain period of time. Since this isn’t a clause you already have in your decree you could have an attorney petition the court to modify the final decree to add  such a clause.

Be warned though, doing that will only cause conflict between you and your ex and that may be more distressing to your boys than the role the new boyfriend is playing in their lives. You have to weigh your options. In the end it may be best for your boys if you suck it up and put up with the boyfriend. If he is respectful, caring and kind to your boys they will be OK with him and like I said before, their feelings are the one’s to consider most, am I not right?

My best,
Cathy

Having trouble coping? Unable to let go? Need help moving on? Get answers to your questions from certified Divorce Coach/Consultant Cathy Meyer. Ask the Divorce Coach

In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, ’should be’s . In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.

What exactly is an impossible expectation?

How about:

• I expect me ex to treat me with respect.
• I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement.
• I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior.
• I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce.
• I expect my ex to support me emotionally.
• I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.

Life rarely goes according to plan

Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That’s just a start. Life isn’t necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.

Let’s take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact

Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara’s impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying.

She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn’t manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.

The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic, virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.

Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectations she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.

Namely: Life Isn’t necessarily fair

Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn’t always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!

If you are using the phrase ‘should be’, then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be’s always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn’t lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn’t. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.

Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.

I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be’s. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.

Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations.

• What do you know to be true of life?
• Are there any guarantees?
• Is everything always a bowl of cherries?
• In other word, get real!

I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming,”But that isn’t fair!” Don’t be that child.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.