I was lucky to have the support of my friends and family when I went through my divorce.  While I’m grateful, I also recognize how those closest to us can hold us back and prevent healthy closure.

Upon hearing the news of my cheating husband and pending separation, a co-worker advised, “You’ll want alimony.  You’re lucky that you can get it these days.  It hasn’t always been so easy.”  When I told her that I was looking forward to financial independence, she was shocked.  “You never know,” she warned.  “It would be nice to have some extra money.”

“Make him pay,” a friend told me as she handed over the phone number for her attorney.

Yet another pal educated me about fault divorces and suggested that I expose my husband’s infidelity through the court system.  I was instructed to slash his tires, take his business and smear his name all over town.

I obeyed only a few of those suggestions.  I made threats and held on to some petty treasures.  Ultimately, that behavior benefitted nobody.  It proved only to stall the process, thus delaying my decree of liberation.

My friends meant well and did exactly as they thought they should.  They stuck by my side and defended me.  They wanted to protect me from the perceived enemy.  The problem was that I didn’t want to fight against my ex to obtain a divorce.  I intended to work with him to reach our common goal of dissolving the marriage.  That’s really what divorce is all about, isn’t it?

The truth is that our well-meaning friends and family can retard our healing.  While it’s often true that we need support in the beginning, the time will come when we can again stand on our own.  Unfortunately, we might not realize it if we are surrounded by loved ones who remain depressed, angry, confused, bitter or vengeful on our behalf.

Attitudes and emotions are contagious.  It’s impossible to move on when Mom is still coddling us.  It’s hard to forgive and let go if our best friend reminds us every day that the ex is a piece of trash.  How can we find compassion in our hearts while our co-workers are coaching us to exact revenge?  Remember that old saying about sleeping with dogs?  You get the idea…

Remaining angry and re-enforcing negative aspects of the relationship or separation will not propel you closer to freedom.  Rather, it will ensure that you remain a prisoner of your pain.  The opposite of love is indifference.  If you’re hating, you’re not healing.  And if others are helping you hate, they’re hurting your game.

For maximum mental health, pay attention to the attitudes of those around you.  Focus on the present and ask your friends for their encouragement toward your new and improved life.  Learn from the past and then let it go.  Your future will thank you.

Author Bio:

Tara Eisenhard is a pro-divorce enthusiast.  She believes that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce.  She loves dogs, drives a Saturn and happily cohabitates with a divorced dad.  Tara is the author of the blog “Relative Evolutions” located at thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com.  She tweets @dvrcncouragist and welcomes feedback via divorce.encouragist@gmail.com.

I never believed my miserable marriage would actually last forever.  I also couldn’t imagine how it would end.  That is, until it did…

It was May 24, 2006.  I spent the evening with old friends.  My husband worked late and then had dinner at a coworker’s house (or so he said).  When 11 pm rolled around and there was no sign of him, I worried and called to see where he was.  He told me he couldn’t talk.  He said he was on his way, and his mother was on the other line.  Feeling relieved, I hung up the phone and got in bed.

When he arrived, he came into our room and firmly said those words, “I think we should separate.”

My initial reaction was confusion, immediately accompanied by anger.  He told me that he had discussed our situation with his parents.  He said his mom thought it was a good idea.

Quickly, my emotion gauge rocketed from angry to livid.  “You discussed our separation with your mother before you talked to me about it?!?!”

How could I have been left so far out of the loop regarding my own marriage? I stomped across the room to my dresser, pulled off my rings and put them in my jewelry box.  It was an act I’d never performed, despite years of screaming matches that ended with me driving away in the middle of the night.

I continued to rage while my husband remained perfectly calm.  When I could no longer stand the sight of him, I stormed out of the bedroom and down the hall to our office.  He followed me.

“Isn’t this what you want?” he asked from the doorway.  “Don’t you hate me anyway?”

It was then that the light bulb went off in my head and I knew that what I was facing was a glorious opportunity.

Yes, this is what I want.  I am going to file for divorce.

Slowly, I found the words to tell him he was correct.  I wasn’t happy in the marriage. I did want to separate.  In that moment, the chains that had bound me to such a depressed existence began to melt away.

Two weeks later I met the Other Woman.  Indeed, she was the person on the phone that night.  She was the one who pushed for our separation.  I’m proud to say that I maintained my composure long enough to shake her hand.  I didn’t fall apart until I was a half-mile away.  After twenty minutes of crying and a half-hour long make out session with an old fling, I overcame the shock of betrayal and trudged ahead on the path to Freedom.

In the four years since my divorce, I’ve shortened my commute to work, completed my bachelor’s degree and started writing again. These days, I cook and clean on my own schedule.  I no longer concoct excuses to avoid sex.  In hindsight, it’s tough to feel anything but gratitude for my ex-husband and his mistress.  If not for them, I wouldn’t be who I am now.  And I am, without a doubt, loving my divorced life.

No shame.  No regrets.  No apologies.

Author Bio:

Tara Eisenhard is a pro-divorce enthusiast.  She believes that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce.  She loves dogs, drives a Saturn and happily cohabitates with a divorced dad.  Tara is the author of the blog “Relative Evolutions” located at thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com and welcomes comments at divorce.encouragist@gmail.com.

Women who have been left for another woman describe the experience in extreme terms:  Stella, sixty-two, whose husband left her for someone else after thirty-three years of marriage was typical:  “ I cried every day for two months.  I still cry two years later.  And railed and screamed in the car and burned his suit in effigy in the backyard, every witchy, crazy, demented thing you can think of.

I drove by their house and hid in the bushes.  I could be at work, get overwhelmed and go into the mini gym and cry and walk on the treadmill as fast as I could until it passed.  I lost thirty pounds but gained ten back.  Jangled nerves, twitching eyes, hyper alert. So sad like you wouldn’t believe.  This is the guy I’d been with since age twenty-three, the only guy for more than half my life and all my adult life.  It was depressing that he was pulling away into alcoholism anyway but this was the coup de gras.”

Carol Taylor, fifty-two, who unknowingly moved her whole family to a different state because her husband had a girlfriend there, says, “I was blindsided, every emotion you can imagine.  Furious, sad, terrified, overwhelmed, guilty because I hadn’t been able to protect my children.

I don’t know why I didn’t see the warning signs, he moved because his girlfriend was in Florida.  The move really hurt the kids.  I cried for two years every day so loud you could hear me in the neighborhood.   I found Al-Anon, they got me through.  It’s a godsend and it’s free—you can go fifty times a week if you need to. “

Romantic rejection actually triggers changes in our brains according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has studied the chemistry of romantic love.  Her research was an eye opener for me.  It answered many questions about my own reactions to being cheated on, rejected, and will probably shine some light on yours.

In Cut Loose she describes how brain scans of rejected people suggest that they secrete excess dopamine and cortisol during the initial phase of being rejected.  That’s why rejected lovers get frantic and tend to relentlessly pursue the beloved.  They may also take humiliating measures to reconnect with him, anything from writing letters to storming into the other woman’s home to begging him to change his mind.

Paradoxically, along with the stress and the impulse to protest, abandoned lovers also feel renewed passion.  This has a biological basis.  Dopamine is the chemical in the brain that produces romantic love.  But when love is thwarted, dopamine-producing neurons in the brain’s reward system prolong their activities.  As the beloved slips away, the very chemical that contributes to feelings of romantic love becomes even more potent, creating protest and romantic passion, which impels the abandoned wife to go to extremes to get him back.

I certainly sprang into action as soon as my husband told me he was leaving and tried desperately to hang on to him.  All of a sudden, I felt intense love and attraction for him when previously I’d felt mostly indifference.

If you ever wondered, like I did, where the intense rage that we jilted wives experience comes from, brain chemistry goes a long way to explain it. .  It seems that love and hate/rage are connected in the brain.   The primary rage system is closely linked to centers in the prefrontal cortex that anticipate rewards.   The common response to unfulfilled expectations is known as ‘frustration-aggression.’

In short, when people and other animals begin to realize that an expected reward is in jeopardy, even unattainable, these centers in the prefrontal cortex trigger fury.   Both love and hate produce excessive energy, drive you to focus obsessively on the beloved and cause intense yearning.  They can exist simultaneously, which is why we vacillate wildly between love and hate when in the throes of being rejected.

“You can be terribly angry at a rejecting sweetheart,” says Fisher, “but still very much in love.”  This reaction explains why jilted lovers stalk and sometimes kill their exes, or even resort to suicide.  Men commit the majority of homicides while women may attempt suicide.

Luckily, many suicidal women fail to kill themselves because they’re probably making the attempt to manipulate the rejecting husband into returning.  However, many do succeed even if they didn’t really intend to die.  Even though our strongest drive is survival, the drive to love can triumph even over the will to live.

Eventually these feelings wane and you must deal with another form of torture, hopelessness and despair.  In a study of 114 men and women who had been rejected within the past eight weeks, some forty percent experienced ‘clinically measurable depression..  The expression, dying of a broken heart, is not just hyperbole.  People do actually die of a broken heart.

They expire from heart attacks or strokes caused by their depression.  These statistics probably come from a study of rejection in college students where most psychologists do their studies.  If clinical depression is that common after rejection when you’re just dating, imagine how severe it is after twenty years of marriage.  Fisher compares the process to the infant mammal when separated from its mother.  When you isolate a  puppy in the kitchen at first it protests.  Eventually, however, it curls up in a corner in a despondent heap.

It’s amazing so many of us survive, and actually bounce back to find a better life.  As severe as our response is to grief, for almost all of us the will to survive is stronger.  We’re programmed to forget and go on.  I often think of what it must have been like in earlier days when women lost so many children before age five.  Their grief was just as intense as ours would be at such a loss, but they got over it and bore more children or the human race wouldn’t have survived.  We have inherited this ability to grieve and go on.   The expression “time heals” is very accurate.

Of course, not all of us suffer equally.  How we react depends on many things, including our upbringing.  The same women who deal best with loneliness because they had secure attachments as children, have the self-esteem and resilience  to overcome a romantic setback relatively quickly.

Those of us who grew up in tense, loveless homes where we constantly had to deal with chaos or rejection, are often left with few defenses after being dumped.  Biology plays a part as well. We all know women with sunny dispositions, who always see the glass as half full.  They take everything, including being left for another woman, with more equanimity and bounce back more quickly.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Eight Signs Your Husband is Cheating

Change is Sexual Habits:

If he’s getting it from another source, he probably wants less sex at home. A decrease in sex signals serious issues in the relationship.

Strange Cell Phone Habits:

All of a sudden he is no longer open and honest about who is is texting with and talking to on his cell phone. If you notice him being more protective of his phone, leaving the room to keep from being heard on the phone or hiding his phone, this could be a sign of trouble.

He Has a New “Friend”:

Michele’s husband starting talking about a woman from work…non-stop admiration. He just thought she was great. Before long he was having lunch with his new work “friend” and soon after he had filed for divorce and was leaving for his “soul mate” who, at one time had only been a “friend.” Be careful if he comes up with a new friend because there is a danger that this friend is more than a “friend.”

Withdrawal:

Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you’re sensing that he’s withdrawing from you, then there may be someone else. Emotional distance should be investigated regardless of whether it’s caused by cheating. There’s a problem if he’s not laughing or seems less passionate as usual. It’s hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it’s being given to someone else.

He is Unavailable:

Suddenly he has to travel for work; maybe he has taken up a new sport and spends every Saturday after engaged in playing.  I knew a woman whose husband joined a book club that met every Thursday night. Very strange for a man who wasn’t often seen reading.  If he becomes unavailable to the point you are wondering what is up, then something is probably up.

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire:

Does he have a slippery relationship with the truth? If he consistently breaches your trust, it’s establishing a pattern of behavior that is indicative to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don’t let him talk his way back in.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater:

If he’s cheated  before, he’s definitely capable of doing it again. It has nothing to do with you, which is why you can’t say that he cheated on his previous lover because she didn’t keep him happy. Cheating is a self-serving act in which the cheater doesn’t take his significant other into consideration. If he has admitted to cheating on an ex then don’t be surprised when he cheats on you.

You Feel it in Your Gut:

Don’t ignore your sixth sense. Women are gifted at sensing when something doesn’t feel right. Whether there are red flags in your relationship that are clueing you in or not, if something feels off, don’t ignore the feeling. Usually that feeling is right, and something indefinable may have led to you figuring it all out.

Do you have any signs to add to the list? Have I missed anything you have personal experience with? What sorts of behaviors do you think are characteristic of someone who could be a cheater?

Question:

Dear Shelley,

“Moving on” and “letting go”.  These are the two phrases I HATE the most. My ex revealed his affair in July of ’09. I filed for divorce in August and he moved in with his girlfriend. We were married nine years and have two kids. His girlfriend just gave birth to their child in August. I am filled with rage and hatred. I want them to hurt as much as I have been hurt, but I know this is impossible. I am on meds, see a therapist and am trying to cope with being a single mom. I hate the fact that my life was turned upside down by them. I feel like I never had a choice and now I have to “co-parent” with this man that broke my heart and destroyed my family. Moving on, forgiving and letting go seem like impossible tasks to me. I hate that my kids are around the woman that cheated with their father and gave birth to their half sibling. It offends me morally, religiously, at every level. The divorce was final in August. He pays $150 per month to me and won’t help pay for the kids activities and sports and that only makes me angrier. I am 42, divorced with two kids. What now?

Betsy

Answer:

Dear Betsy,

First off, in terms of the legal divorce your child support sounds to be very low for two children.  Of course I do not know the particulars, for instance who has the larger income but if I were you, I would check with a legal expert.

Feeling like we want them to suffer as much as we have is a perfectly normal response but who is suffering right now?  Them or you?  The reality of the situation is that your anger is hurting you and not them. Given the fact that you were only divorced in August, you are still in the grieving process and it is marked by all of the negative feelings you are presently experiencing.  You need to grieve as this is a huge loss. Nonetheless, what we come to understand only with time is the fact that there is no going back. There is no controlling him. There is no ‘should be’. There simply is this reality or what is.  We can either accept our life as it is and learn to let go of the anger or we can choose to hold onto the past and suffer.

Acceptance is the conscious acknowledgement of reality without trying to change it.  If your child were to get sick you would probably react with a ‘why my child?’ response initially and be angry and sad BUT that will get you and your child nowhere.  Only when you accept the fact of the illness can you then move on to take matters into your own hands and find a way to combat the illness.  If you are lost in your car and driving around in circles thinking that you aren’t lost …you will stay lost. Only when you accept the fact that you are lost will you be able to make the move to get help.  Acceptance of what is.

I know that letting go and moving on seem like impossible task right now.  You aren’t alone in that feeling. I felt that way too. But I realized what me anger was costing me  and I saw that it was futile. Take back control of your life by accepting this new life.  As the old saying goes, “the best revenge is living well!”

What now?  Your entire future.  Get support.  

Shelley

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I broke up with a man five months ago whom I was with for six years. Two months after we broke up he was engaged to another woman and didn’t even bother telling me. It became apparent to me that he was with this woman when we were together but I didn’t see it then.

My problem isn’t wanting him back because I think he is unsuited to me –  it’s how he has conducted himself with no respect or sensitivity toward me (I didn’t do anything to upset him). Do men like this end up with bad karma? I just need to know that there is some kind of balance to these events, and sometimes I feel like I’m the one being punished as I haven’t met another man, yet he is being rewarded. Please help!

Thank you for listening.

Sarah

Answer:

Dear Sarah,

In life we hold core beliefs about how things should be.  We believe that people should treat each other with integrity, empathy and respect.  We believe they should be sensitive to one another’s feelings. These are good beliefs and life would be a whole lot better in general if everyone lived according to those beliefs BUT life does not always conform to our way of thinking.  Oftentimes people are not kind to one another.  Oftentimes, people act in an insensitive manner.  That’s just the way it is. Just because I may hold a belief about how things should be does not mean that others operate in the same way. That’s just the nature of life.  Life is not always fair and to expect it to be will only lead to disappointment, resentment, anger and sadness.

We cannot allow our personal beliefs create expectations of others that are not under our control.  It seems that is where you are at right now.  Yes, it is hurtful to think that someone may have lied to us, that they seem to move on without a trace of empathy but that’s just the way some people operate.  It’s a matter of accepting ‘what is’ versus what you think ‘should be’ or ‘could be’ or what you think is ‘supposed to be’.

You don’t know that he is being rewarded and you don’t know what lies ahead for you in your future.  Being human means living with a sense of uncertainty. That too is just life.  

You must learn to let go of the things that you cannot control.  You must learn to differentiate between what you can and cannot control in life. If you feel like you are having a hard time with this concept then get some support to move you forward as you have one precious life to live.

Regards,

Shelley

Question:

Dear Shelley:

I want to know what steps I should take to get over my anger and hurt so I can be a normal mom again to my two kids.

I was married for nine years and found out shortly after our eighth wedding anniversary that he was cheating.  My anger lies in the fact that for nine years he told me he would never hurt my family like his dad did to him and his mother, but that was indeed what he did.  In the last year, he has become engaged, moved into a new home with this woman, and, although he states he wants a better relationship with his two children, he habitually fails to show for his weekends or steps up to help with their rearing in anyway.  

I’ve had to become the sole provider, parent, and support for my kids and I’m falling apart.  I’m tired all the time, cry all the time, have to put on a happy face to get through work, and have no support system whatsoever.  My parents are both deceased and I feel so completely alone.  I can barely keep myself going but I have to parent two emotionally stressed children who don’t understand why any of this has happened.  

I can’t let go of the anger I feel towards my ex –  I literally would cheer if he were struck by a truck because that would mean he were no longer a stress in my life and I might just be able to move on.  Please help! I don’t know where else to go.  Sure my friends offer, but they just don’t know what I’m really going through.  

Nina

Answer:

Dear Nina,

Where do I start?  I think that the feeling that we trusted our partners wholeheartedly only to discover our trust was misplaced is overwhelming.  It’s all about ‘unenforceable expectations’.  We hold core beliefs about what we think life should look like and how people should be.  We believe in trust, honesty, integrity.  We believe that a Father should be there for his children.  We believe that an ex should step up to the plate, offer both financial and emotional support and accept responsibility.  All good beliefs.  Our beliefs lead us to expect certain behavior from others as well as expectations about life. The problem is…people do not always live up to our expectations and do not hold the same beliefs.  An unenforceable expectation is one that we cannot enforce, we cannot control.  That is what you have right now.

What we cannot control we must let go of.  Otherwise we eat ourselves up alive.  It is probably the most important lesson we will be gifted with in this life.  You cannot control his actions or the way he thinks.  You have to learn to let that all go.  You have to learn to accept ‘what is’ versus what you think ‘should be’. What is…that’s reality.  

It’s all about you now.  You must take care of yourself.  You must do the things that will alleviate the effects of all this stress or you will break down.  Exercise!  It is the number one antidote to stress.  Look into a yoga class.  Take time for yourself.  Eat well and get sleep. Offer yourself the same nurturing and compassion that you offer your kids.

Get support!  Go to meetup.com and find a divorce support group in your area.  Go to your clergyman if that works for you.  Talk to a professional.

You are ceding control of your life to him by allowing him to continue to control how you feel.  Take back control of your life by claiming full responsibility for it.   You are the only one who can truly make the changes that will allow you to let go and move on in your life. 

There are deep life lessons and wisdom to be gleaned from this life experience that will help you in the future. What have you learned about yourself?  What are you willing to accept and not accept in your future?

You are still in a grieving period so go easy on yourself.  This too shall pass.  Your future might just be better then your past!

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Often a wife is as vulnerable and dependent as the victim of repeated beatings. The behavior patterns of ongoing infidelity often parallel the well-documented stages in the cycle of domestic abuse.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found they common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Infidelity and domestic abuse can both become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.
• The cheating husband may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. And will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.
• The wife suffers from low self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness, a lack of control over her life, a dependency on her husband, and a distorted sense of reality in which she believes that what happens is her fault.
• Women who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse.

If you have become an unwitting victim of domestic abuse due to your husband’s infidelity isn’t it time to break the cycle? Instead of driving yourself to distraction why not face the simple fact that your husband’s infidelity is his choice and that choice was abusive in nature. His choices may leave you with no choice but to end the marriage.

If your husband is cheating, take action. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. Set boundaries and stand by those boundaries. Don’t allow dependence on an unhealthy marriage to tear down your ability to live life on your own terms and free of abuse.

Join the New DWO Community!

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Are you struggling to rebuilt your life, are you feeling hopeless and unsure where to go from here? If so, JOIN NOW and connect with others who are walking the same path and learn from those who have, “been there, done that.”

Question:

Dear Shelley:

Five years ago my husband started an affair with my very best friend in the whole world.  My husband felt neglected by me which, in a sense, was true – with menopause and other issues I was going through, I sort of ended up in this black hole.

During this time, he has left on and off.  He’d tell me he broke it off with her but then I’d found out they were talking again. Her and I? I could kill her.  We have been in physical fights and horrible mouthy fights.  Lies…oh the lies… just because we knew each other so well.

My husband left a year and a half ago and hasn’t returned since.  We still had sex weekly until a couple months ago when I just went crazy again.  He swears he feels no love for my best friend…but same towards me.  He wants to put himself first now.  Do his thing.  Be happy for him. etc We have a 14 year old together that has been crushed by all of this. 

My husband says he does not want a divorce.  I can’t move on.  I want no one else.  I love him deeply. Yes, even after all this.

What do I do?  How do I try to find a place in my life where I can be semi happy?  I don’t know who or what I am.  I hate her and blame her.  I know he is just as guilty.  But, damn girlfriends do not mess with their friends man!!

Any advice?  Words of wisdom?  Anything?

Rachel

Answer:

Rachel-

Why are you subjecting yourself to this abuse?  That’s the question you really want to ask.  He wants to live his own life but he doesn’t want to give you a divorce?  Where exactly does that leave you?   Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?  As far as I can see you have placed yourself in a very toxic environment and it is costing you big-time.  Why?  Don’t you think you are good enough?  Don’t you think you deserve better?  This situation is a call to action for you, an event that allows you to do some real self-assessment  and clean up all the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying around for so long.

Boundaries declare what we are willing to accept and not in our lives and they define who we are.  Victims have no boundaries and allow people to run over them and then blame others.  They take no responsibility for their own lives.  Heroines declare no to bad behavior from others and claim full responsibility for their lives and their futures.  be a heroine. Rewrite your divorce story from one of victimhood to one of freedom.

You and only you can make the difference in your life.  You get to make choices that will either move you forward or keep you stuck; choices that honor you or harm you; choices that empower you or weaken you.  You get to choose. You and only you,

Take back control of your life.  That’s your answer. Decide on how you want to be treated, how you want to live and take action on those fronts.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Question:

Hi Shelley,
About 2 1/2 years ago my husband of 16 years told me he didn’t love me anymore.  I immediately started vomiting and became hysterical. I was a stay-at-home mom to three kids, had worshiped the ground he walked on, and thought he was my best friend.

I later found out that he had been cheating on me and had most likely cheated before. Our marriage had not been perfect and I had put up with quite a bit, but I took my vows seriously and would never have expected them to be compromised. On top of that, I would have done ANYTHING to bring him back; I would have changed anything, done anything, been whomever he wanted. He never communicated any unhappiness and I was never given an opportunity to rectify the situation. He just left and wanted to see me ruined, especially financially. He harbored, and still does harbor, quite a bit of hatred toward me.

So, fast-forward to now and I still feel as raw as I did back then. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. The divorce was horrible – he continued to lie his way through the process, he hardly sees the kids, and hasn’t talked to one of them on over two years.

I can’t determine whether it is my ego, or just true pain of loss. I still miss him daily, even though he was extremely cruel to me and my children. Meanwhile, he is sill living with the whore he cheated on me with and now wants to introduce her to my children. I feel like I am going out of control because I do not want this to happen. I believe I was/am co-dependent and don’t really need a diagnosis but rather just some tools to make it through.

I would love some advice…

Wilma  

Answer:

Wilma -

There is a whole lot of emotional baggage going on here.  You mentioned that you had put up with quite a bit during your marriage, that you would have become anyone to please him and to save your marriage, that he wanted to see you ruined, that he was extremely cruel to you, and you call his girlfriend a whore.  What does all that mean to you?

The big question I have is why would you accept the abuse that you received for so long?  Why would you try to be someone other than who you are to please him, and exactly who are you anyway?  It seems to me that you have lost touch with who and what you are.  It is more about you right now than him. It is about you using this experience as an opportunity to do a big-time self analysis and work on letting go of the emotional baggage that may have gotten you into this in the first place.

I am not condoning what he did whatsoever….bad behavior is bad behavior.  What I am saying is that use this divorce as a means to heal, grow and move on into a better life. Know that a marriage is a 50/50 deal and we must take responsibility for our part.  It seems to me that you might have been an enabler by accepting far too much abuse from him.  Perhaps, I don’t know you well enough.

The reality of the situation is that your ex has a girlfriend and whether you like it or not, she will be in your kid’s lives.  Accept that fact and then decide how you want to handle it so your kid’s interests and well-being are put first. Love your kids more than you might resent him and her.  Your pain and resentment are hurting you, not him.  You suffer, not him.  You waste your precious time, not him. See?

Reality is reality. If you choose to fight the facts of your life then you will be stuck and will not be able to move forward.  What you think should or could be doesn’t matter…those are fantasies.  Learn what you can and cannot control in life and then let go of the things you have no control over.  It isn’t so much what life hands you that is as important as your choice in how to handle life’s challenges.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

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