When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

The great American philosopher, Yogi Berra, once said, “Be careful, you don’t want to make the wrong mistake.”

Nowhere is that more true than in the area of divorce advice.

Yogi also said, “90% of this game is half mental.” Also true if you are contemplating, or involved in, a divorce.

Almost always, the mindset of the people involved in the divorce is what will eventually dictate the length, complexity and difficulty of the action.

If you want to end your marriage as cheaply and as painlessly as possible, do yourself a favor and heed well this advice.

1. DO NOT THINK OF DIVORCE AS A WAR!

You are not involved in combat, you are engaged in negotiation. In negotiation you gain more by being reasonable and thoughtful. If you consider the other side’s positions carefully and respond in a measured manner you will find that you achieve much more than by being contentious.

2. DO NOT DEMONIZE YOUR SPOUSE!

True you are no longer getting along as you once did, but that does not mean that your wife or husband of all these years is now “that bitch” or “that bastard”. Such a mindset does nothing to advance your goal of ending your marriage with the least heartache or expense possible. Really, try not to think that way.

3. DO NOT FAIL TO MAKE CONCESSIONS!

Some people think they are going to get everything they want and that they are not going to give an inch on any issue, or concede any property. Life doesn’t work that way, nor should it. You are involved in a negotiation. You must be mentally prepared to give some to get some. In negotiation a party who gives easily will often find that they get more in return. We see it happen all the time.

4. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE ABOVE THE GUIDELINES!

The State of California has guidelines concerning the amount of support an earner will have to pay for the support of children. The Family Code also sets forth all the elements a judge must consider before ordering spousal support. The child support is a function of income. Spousal support requires the careful weighing of 14 various elements. You will be well served to get it in your head that these considerations are there for good reason and they apply to you. I get this all the time in mediation. The chief earner is somehow under the impression that there is some sort of giant “loophole” through which they can avoid paying any support to their former spouse. There is room to negotiate, but do not imagine that somehow these guidelines are for everybody else and not for you.

5. DO NOT THINK THAT “WORDS DON’T COUNT”!

It is amazing how people can say truly hurtful things to each other and not consider the consequences. Bad words delivered in a way calculated to cause pain are a form of abuse. You may think that you can say anything you want to each other with impunity, but the fact is that you will always pay for inflicting pain. What is more, the person delivering such abuse does damage to themselves

and diminishes their own humanity. But that is the subject of another article. Trust me; hold your tongue lashing and you will get through the process with a lot less pain.

6. DO NOT FAIL TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED!

With the possible exceptions of death or serious illness, there is no more stressful time in life than going through a divorce. People tend to do all the wrong things at this time. Internalize their feelings. Self-medicate. Withdraw from life in general. Alienate their friends. It all happens during a divorce. We at Liaise do not practice therapy, but we are great believers in the benefits of therapy. Most health insurance policies provide for some mental health counseling. Get some. It is usually pretty calming to sit with a professional who has been there before and get some sound advice on how to handle the feelings and sorrows you may be facing.

7. DO NOT THINK YOU WILL GET A “FREE RIDE”!

It is distressing the number of times I have assisted couples in a dissolution where the hardest part was shaking one side from the misconception that because they had been married for over 10 years their former spouse was some kind of indentured

servant who had to take care of them until death! That is not the case.

A Judgment of Dissolution in California has the following words printed right on it:

NOTICE: It is the goal of this state that each party will make reasonable good faith efforts to become self supporting as provided for in Family Code section 4320. The failure to make reasonable good faith efforts may be one of the factors considered by the court as a basis for modifying or terminating spousal or partner support.

This is an EXPRESS public policy and it means just what it says. California wants everyone to stand on their own two feet. This means that if you need training to re-enter the work force, have some support earmarked to get training and start doing what you can to get employed. It is good for you and it is your duty under the law. Of course there are sad situations where one party cannot reasonably become employed, but that is a rare situation. The fact is that happiness and self-satisfaction are often the by-products of good work and one way to be fully engaged in life is to be purposely striving towards a worthy goal.

8. DO NOT LET YOURSELF THINK THAT THINGS WONT GET BETTER!

Absolutely this is one of the worst periods of your life. Without a doubt things look as gloomy and foreboding as you could imagine. As bad as things may be, you have to believe that your life is going to get better! Just as in any disaster, a common trait amongst those that survive divorce well is a Positive Mental Attitude. You need to adopt such an attitude and there is good reason to do so. We at Liaise see it time after time. A spouse going through the divorce process is initially, and understandably, miserable. Those who strive to keep a PMA soon realize that previously they had been living in a toxic environment and they are now taking purposeful steps to move forward in their lives. Upward advancement is enlightening and it seeps into your psyche, improving your outlook and brightening your future. Keep your head up and your feet moving forward. Things do get better.

9. DO NOT LITIGATE! BE SMART, CHOOSE MEDIATION.

Lastly, and most importantly, don’t make the mistake of suing your spouse to end your marriage! If you think about it, the very concept is absurd. If you were

ending, for example, a 12 year business partnership, 99 times out of 100, all you would have to do is sit down with your partner – divide up the assets – divide up the liabilities – shake hands and part ways. Ending a marriage can be done the same way. It is a bit more complicated because there can be issues of child and spousal support, but the important point is that it doesn’t have to be a battle! The expert mediators at Liaise can help you and your spouse navigate through the complexities and arrive at an agreement that is the negotiated blueprint for ending your marriage. That agreement is presented to the Court and becomes the Judgment ending your marriage. You never have to appear in Court. You save 10s of thousands of dollars. You don’t ruin your family by engaging in a huge fight and you are better able to get on with your life.

So like Yogi Berra says, don’t make the wrong mistake and don’t forget that the mental part is half the battle.

Do yourself, your family, and your financial well being a favor and choose Liaise Mediated Solutions, LLC to help you navigate the treacherous waters of managing the expensive and painful situations of dissolution.

David D. Stein has been an attorney for over 20 years and is the founder of Liaise® Mediated Solutions. He is a trained mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

Divorce is an ongoing reality in our society. No longer the exception, at least one in every two marriages will end through a divorce. And yet, despite this fact, we have been slow to adapt procedures that allow a marriage to end civilly, creatively, fairly and in these tough economic times, with the minimum of expense. For the most part, divorce is still framed as an adversarial battle that is characterized by accusations, blame, unproductive argument, high costs, and weak solutions that ignore the best interests of the children.

This failure to adapt reminds one of the silver backed gorillas in the forests of Africa. In the days prior to the arrival of the gun, standing on your back legs and beating your chest was an effective strategy to ward off a threat. Now, it makes an easy target for a hunter with a gun.

And so it is with divorce. There are plenty of attorneys waiting for you to show up angry, indignant, hurt, and vengeful. They are happy to be your silver backed gorilla, standing up to make futile motions to court, beating their chest, but only as long as there is money in the estate. The number of divorce cases that start out with an attorney, but end without is an embarrassment. The number one reason-there was no more money!

It doesn’t have to be this way.  In truth, we have already evolved better ways to end a marriage, ways that are kinder, gentler, and when there are children involved, to deal with the reality that what is actually taking place is a reorganization of the family, rather than an ending.

And that way is mediation. Instead of the parties setting themselves up for a fight, more and more are turning to mediation. In mediation, a professional expert supports a conversation that is intended to facilitate what needs to happen-make decisions based on the family needs that are better than the decision that a disinterested third party aka a judge would make.

Divorcing couples are finding that this approach makes good common sense, and is far more conducive to finding the best possible, most creative and certainly fairest solution to their family reorganization, at a fraction of the cost. They are discovering that they don’t have to be held hostage by a process that only makes sense to the attorney’s representing them.

And it’s about time. The average mediation costs $4,000. By contrast a divorce that is negotiated with adversarial attorney’s involved costs $26,000, and when it goes to trial the cost is $78,000. For most American families that is unaffordable.

So the first adaptation is to mediate, not litigate. But what other adaptive strategies are available that you as the divorcing couple can do to make the mediation process itself, more effective? What follows is a list of ten ideas that are worth considering as you seek to have the most positive divorce experience possible:

1. Seek to collaborate, not to fight

The research from the field of negotiation is clear. We get better deals when we seek to work jointly at the challenge on hand, both in regard to those issues where the best interests of the children are at stake, but also when it’s all about the money.

2. Keep your eye on the ball

As Stephen Covey says, start with the end in mind. The purpose of the process is not to exact revenge, but rather to work out a fair solution that makes sense for your family. The end product is your marital settlement agreement. It documents your plan of action for your ongoing care of your children, the division of your estate, and also addresses whether and to what extent there will be any spousal support.  It is this document that allows the court to essentially rubber stamp your process.

3. Prepare!

Getting a divorce takes an effort. You will have homework to do!  Both parties must make full disclosure of all assets and liabilities. Only you have the information. The sooner you share it the quicker the process will be.

4. Manage your Emotions Wisely!

Not only is it important to have your financial information organized, but also that you take time to manage your feelings. Inevitably, divorces surface strong emotions, like anger, disappointment, shame, fear and jealousy to name a few. There will be opportunities to share how you feel during the mediation, in productive manner. If you can dissipate your negative emotional energy before the meetings it will help.

5. Listen To Understand

As hard as it may be to listen attentively to what your partner is saying, it will pay dividends. You will have the benefit of understanding where they are coming from and what is important to them. Too often we can only hear the voices in our own head and tune the other out.  Mediation works best when both parties communicate effectively, and listening is a vital part of that.

6. Focus on your needs

In conflict it is natural to identify a solution that we feel is fair and to demand its application. The danger with this approach is that it fosters defensiveness and conflict escalation. The mediation process works best when we articulate and focus on our needs, and then together search for the most creative solution with the resources available.

7. Explore Standards of Fairness

The law is one standard. If you don’t work things out and still want to divorce, a judge will apply the law to the facts of your case. How you feel or what your personal standards of fairness look like, will not come into play. However, in mediation, you can establish your own criteria for fairness, and use those family inspired yardsticks to address the more tricky issues that leave you feeling hopeless.

8. Consider the need to apologize

When your kids throws a ball through your neighbors window you don’t tell them to run inside and hide. You send them over to apologize and to make reparations. When our actions cause pain to another, the right thing to do is to say you are sorry. When we are conciliatory with one another in this manner, we set the stage for reconciliation, a vital outcome for the ongoing, but reorganized family.

9. Consider Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. It empowers us to move on with our lives without challenging the past to be anything other than the way it was. To forgive does not mean we condone, but it does signal an intention to let go of the pain.

10. Be Creative

As humans facing a challenge, we are limited by our own creativity. Like the poor silver back gorilla’s that needed to find a new strategy, your challenge is to think outside the box and find a unique solution that addresses the reality of a reorganized family.

Mediation is a family friendly process that allows you to focus on what you need to do to make your divorce a reality. It represents a new way of doing things. A way that most agree is good common sense. Following the suggestions contained in this brief article will help you get through your divorce with the least pain possible and with the greatest potential for marital settlement agreement that is fair to both.

John Ford practiced family and labor law in South Africa and Namibia before moving to the United States in 1996. He mediates divorces with Liaise Divorce Solutions in downtown San Francisco. John has written extensively on the subject of conflict resolution and mediation and is the editor of www.mediate.com.  He can be reached at  john@liaisesolutions.com

Avoid huge legal bills and jockeying lawyers while protecting your kids — turn to Divorce Without Court for help. Encouraging and straightforward, the book guides you through a negotiated divorce, using divorce mediation.

Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise:  his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room.   “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually.  “I tried calling you earlier.  Didn’t you get my message?  I didn’t think you’d mind…”

But he did.  In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him.  What if he’d been with another woman?  What if, what if, what if?  But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs.  Still, he ended up saying nothing.  After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’  He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…

Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce:  When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed?  Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex…

But take Deana’s case as another example.  Despite girlfriends’ insistence she get the locks changed, she kept brushing it off.  She thought her doing seemed mean; that it was a sign of ill-will towards her ex.  Six months into her divorce, after she and her ex had their first ‘bicker’, she went into her garage only to discover he’d hauled away all the camping gear as well as a bunch of her gardening tools and sporting equipment. “I had to learn the hard way,” she sighed.  “I never thought he’d steal from me and the kids.”

In Deborah’s case, her ex’s behavior was creepy and caniving.  Like Mike and Deana, she wanted nothing more than to have an amicable divorce and felt a lock change totally unnecessary.  But around the one year mark, when things turned sour over finances, she discovered her trust had been sorely misplaced.   “Go look for the hole drilled into the filing cabinet in your office,” he ex emailed her.  “I taped your telephone conversations.  You’ve had quite the dating life…”  

My advice to you is to put a lock change at the top of your to-do list after you separate.  I KNOW it may feel mean or uncomfortable or unnecessary at first.  But the reality is that at some point during your divorce, you and ex are NOT going to like each other very much; probably MANY times actually.  And there is ‘business’ that needs to be tending to during divorce: changing the locks are but one thing on that list. 

Do NOT put your head in the sand and hope for the best.  NO ONE likes to think that their divorce will turn nasty or that their ex would ever stoop to any lows. But think of it this way: you thought you’d beat the odds and stay married too, right?

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool

Turning An Unwanted Divorce Into Opportunity

What If?  Mediation Looms

Within months of separating from my ex two years ago, I suddenly felt an incredible need to redecorate the master bedroom.   I’m not sure if I did it more as a mental distraction at the time, or if some unconscious part of me knew I needed  to ‘get him out of there” and make a new space just for me. Regardless, redecorating had an astoundingly soothing AND uplifting effect on me.  The master bedroom became MY place to rest and recharge, MY personal space, a reflection of ME …even though just outside the door was a family dream and identity in shambles.

I didn’t have the budget for a major redecorating project.  Nor the heart or energy.  Nonetheless, some major cleaning, some minor purchases, and some fabulous accents completely transformed my bedroom and helped air out my soul.  So here are eight tips for separated women/men to consider…and again, I recommend you do it sooner, rather than later.

1)  Do a Major Cleaning. We’re talking behind dressers, under the bed, through the closet and drawers, etc.  It’s not just about cleanliness, it’s to ensure you don’t have ‘surprises’ in future – like a forgotten-about wedding photo suddenly peeking out from under the dresser.  Nor do you want ‘off-limits’ areas in your room; places where his energy still lurks through tangible objects, IE: his bedside table.

2) Move Furniture Around. This can totally alter how you feel as soon as you enter the room AND while you’re in it.  Even if you can only move a piece of furniture a few feet or two, the feel can be dramatic when all the other small changes you make are added up.

3) Introduce New Accent Colors. If you’re anything like I was, the mere idea of repainting the walls feels exhausting.  Instead I replaced all the blue accents in the room with deep red and chocolate brown.  Though your taste in color may differ, it’s recommended you avoid flashy, bright colors if you’re going for cozy and rejuvenating.

4)  Go Shopping. Again, transforming your room doesn’t have to be expensive.  Some new additions to consider are:

• comfy pillows
• a throw rug
• a new bedspread
• a new bed-skirt
• lamps
• artwork  (I chose a sensual piece of a naked woman lying on her stomach)
• dresser liners and covers
• inspirational words (IE: ”Bliss”, “Passion”, “Renew”)  I bought a few of these words in white wood, painted them black and hung them on the wall in front of my bed so I’d see them as soon as I woke up.
• blinds and/ or curtains (I bought a beautiful piece of deep red fabric and draped it around the border of my window.  Underneath are ugly nails that I hammered in with a shoe!)

5)  Spread A New Fragrance Through The Room. Oil burners, candles or potpourri are a great way to do this.  You may want to try warm scents like cinnamon, pumpkin, or (my favorite) vanilla shortbread.

6) Change the lighting. I did this by buying normal incandescent light bulbs for my lamps – they make yellow light instead of the white light of fluorescent lamps.  Still easy to read by, yet way softer on the eyes and mood.

7) Keep It Neat & Tell The Kids It’s To Stay That Way! After I redid my room, I told my three young kids that it was “Mommy’s Special Room” and a “Toy-Free Zone.”  Oh sure, as I write, I know there’s a plastic pink guitar and some barbies strewn across my bed that shouldn’t be there.  But my point is that out of all the rooms in the house, you’re entitled to one that is truly yours.   It’s a small step towards setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs.

8)  Bring in More of YOU. What do you like to read?  Then put them on your shelf or in your nightstand.  What about personal ornaments?  Or special photographs that make you smile?  Now you can create a space for them – this is all about what feels good to YOU.

Do you have any other recommendations for redecorating a bedroom on a budget?  How has redoing your bedroom affected you?

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

The Single Parent Family: A Unique Perspective From a Single Mom
Loneliness and Isolation: Is it Time to Rescue Yourself?
Narcissistic relationship? Use it or lose it

This past week, Mother Nature unleashed her winter wrath up here in Calgary, Alberta.  We’re talking large dumps of snow and temperatures than hovered between -25 and -40 C  (that’s -12 to -40 F).  And though I’m accustomed to extreme weather conditions being a born and bred Canuck, something REALLY stood out for me during this cold bout:  awareness of my own mortality…and the effect my death or a serious injury would have on my young children.

I don’t know if it’s because my 40th birthday lies on the horizon that I’ve become increasingly concerned (paranoid?).  It also didn’t help when I heard the story of a woman in her late thirties who hit black ice, flipped her car and today is confined to a wheelchair.  Regardless, I realize that there are matters I need to tie up to protect and care for my kids – just in case.  Here are few points you, too, may need to tend to:

1) An up-to-date will. When I hired a lawyer two years ago at the beginning of my divorce, I created another will.  I figured that since I was forking out some major cash anyway for legal services, why not pay an extra $200 to properly lay out a will, too.  I must say I’ve felt a great sense of peace taking care of this – it’s one less thing to lose sleep over.

2) A life insurance policy on the former spouse that names you as either the beneficiary or trustee of the children’s money. Ideally, your ex would keep you or name as you as the beneficiary of an insurance policy.  This way you’d have total control over how the money is spent on your children.  That being said, it takes trust, good-will, and respect between the exes in order for that to happen – nonetheless, I’ve seen it happen.  And it never hurts to ask.

If your ex doesn’t name you as the beneficiary but your children are, you should then do whatever you can to become the trustee.  This gives you the ability to spend the insurance money on the children as their needs arise, ie: educational programs.  If you are NOT named the trustee, you should find out who is and carefully consider whether or not problems may arise.  What if your ex names his/her new wife as trustee and you two don’t get along?  They can and may give you a lot of headache as you try to access the money.  Do you want to be producing receipts and asking permission regarding your children’s life choices from someone who might be unreasonable and/or condescending?  Please be aware that it is well within your rights to not only request but fight for the trustee position, especially if this  policy was created during your marriage and one that you also contributed to.

3) A life insurance policy in your name. Again, even it’s small, at least it’s something…and it’s worth its weight in peace of mind.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Narcissistic Relationship: Use it or Lose It

Holiday Loneliness: How to Beat the Post Divorce Holiday Blues

Do You Follow Your Heart’s Desire?