Since Easter is right around the corner I thought I would remind you single parents that, holidays are about the children with a few tips and reminders. So, put on your Easter bonnets and make it a very Happy Easter for your children.

Dealing with holidays after divorce is yet another minefield for divorced moms and dads. Holidays and birthdays are extra reminders that the family is no longer as it once was, and can be especially difficult during the first years after a divorce. However, like much about divorce and its aftermath, if you work at it, you can create new traditions and rituals that will make that time enjoyable again.

Because these times are so special, some divorced families find themselves thrown together again every holiday, if only because it’s more practical than ferrying the kids all over town. Often, it’s one big happy family with new spouses and children. However, don’t be surprised if this doesn’t happen right away, no matter how logical it seems. Time may be required to patch over differences and hard feelings and you also might find it easier to be away.

1. Plan Ahead.
With all the hoopla of the holidays you will want to plan way in advance so that your ex doesn’t feel under pressure or left out of any holiday activities with your children. You’ll get far more if you plan early, try not to be pushy, and be extra communicative during this time.

2. Use the holidays as an extra reminder that “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
The holidays, a birthday event, or even a family wedding, are not the times to dredge up bad feelings or statements of ill will, even if you’re being goaded into responding. Make a game of it and either walk away or just smile, but don’t get in a tangle, no matter how tempting. Try to make positive statements about your ex and keep the conversation away from curious questions about their “other celebration.” Don’t forget to also remind and help them shop for your ex-wife and her family.

3. Keep your promises.
Around holidays, be extra careful to follow up on the plans you make with your kids.

4. Be flexible in your planning.
Try to head off difficulties by being ready to change plans due to changes by your ex or just in the situation. The best thing you can do is be extra-sensitive to the season or birthday and try to be ready for changes.

You may find yourself having to give in to letting your kids spend “your time” with your ex, for example.

5. Allow your kids to have two birthday or two holidays.
There’s nothing wrong with doubling up on the celebrations. Just ensure that you communicate well in advance and that you involve everyone in the planning. Re-creating the traditions and rituals and choosing your own, reinforces the idea that the children now have two strong homes.

6. Involve the kids when you plan.
Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

7. Don’t spoil your kids during the holidays.
Don’t feel guilty and over-indulge your kids to “make up” for the divorce, or worse, to buy their affections during the holiday. Despite the pain of divorce and flaring emotions, your kids will always be your kids. And, likewise, you need to always act like their father despite the change in situation.

8. Make the best of your new family during the holidays.
If you remarry or enter a long term relationship with someone who has children of her own, make sure to discuss how you will incorporate your children’s traditions with hers. Involve kids from both families to make sure you understand what is important and that no one feels left out.

Since birthdays and holidays are so important to kids and adults, you’ll have to be extra flexible to incorporate everyone’s feelings.

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.
Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

9. Don’t forget to take off yourself if you end up spending some of the holiday alone.
Holidays are difficult for many people because they trigger memories of better times or of hard times. That’s why you should make special plans. And, if you are going to have free time, arrange to be with supportive friends or family.

10. Create new traditions for your new family.
Don’t duplicate the exact rituals that you had with your ex-wife. Instead, create new traditions that involve the kids and are representative of your new family. It’s not time to throw the baby out with the bath water, but you’ll be much happier with your own ideas than trying to re-create the past in a new situation.

As you will notice in many of our Ten Tips, planning and communication are key to enjoyable holidays.  Experts strongly recommend  crafting a parenting agreement with your ex-wife . This agreement should cover where the kids will spend holidays and birthdays. If you can’t agree on these issues, you will be forced to argue over the same points at every holiday. And, you’ll inevitably stir up expectations and disappointments with your kids. An always-renegotiable “parenting agreement” can go a long way toward heading off many of these disagreements.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

And, that is OK; it is alright to have all the feelings above and then some. I promise, you are not alone, there are many out there dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that comes along with it. Don’t get me wrong though, just because it is OK to feel sad is no reason to wallow in the sadness.

If there is ever a time of year to put aside life’s stress it is during the holiday season. How do you get yourself out of your funk? One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than festive.

It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.

You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t feeling the holiday season is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoy the holidays.

Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you feel a bit more of the holiday spirit.

1. Don’t wait until the last minute to set up the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Get all those plans made by the end of October. Set them in stone! Know when, where and who your children will be with for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then put that stress aside. Get it taken care of then let it go.

2. Don’t participate in any holiday activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!

3. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through the holiday season. Spend time with people who are invested in helping your get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.

4. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time.

Being alone doesn’t mean you can’t hang some ornaments on a tree. Or decorate the mantle. You don’t have to go all out and deck every hall but bringing out reminders of the fact that it is a “time to be jolly” will be doing yourself a favor.

I purchased scented candles and the holiday scents waffled through the house. I baked Snicker Doodles, took a bubble bath while listening to Emmylou Harris’s “Light of the Stable.” I then watched chick flicks from a bed with clean, crisp sheets and a plate of cookies and a glass of eggnog on the night stand. I missed my children but I took the opportunity to give myself the gift of relaxation and pampering instead of ruminating over the fact I was alone and not doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Stress and negative feelings during the holidays can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When the holidays finally arrive, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else, and relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. And whether you feel like it or not, you do have the ability to enjoy the holidays regardless of your situation.

My husband and I divorced several months ago after eleven years of marriage. He’s living in a neighboring town and we share custody of our children, ages nine and seven. It was a bitter divorce and our kids heard far too much anger towards the end.

My question is what to do about celebrating Christmas this year? I want this first holiday after the divorce to be as pleasant as I can make it for them, but I know it’s going to be tough on everyone. My ex-husband will probably visit here on Christmas day and take the kids for part of their school vacation. Do I just try to celebrate like we always did? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Tis the season for children

Let’s be honest, you, your ex, and your kids all will be experiencing some sadness and melancholy this Christmas. Although I’m sure you both have assured your kids that you will always love them and care for them, the reality of spending their first Christmas as a separated, divorced family will hit them hard (regardless of whether they actually speak to you of their feelings). They are going to long for happy holidays the way they used to be (or imagined them to be even if they weren’t for you and your ex) and those times are gone.

You can, however, make every effort to provide them with the best emotional environment possible to enjoy this holiday season. Here are a few suggestions on how to deal with the additional stress during this particular holiday and how to satisfy your children’s needs at this time:

• Show them you understand their feelings and worries: “I know you’re going to feel sad sometimes this Christmas and maybe a little angry and worried too. It’s going to feel different not being together like we have been. Things will be different this year.”
• Offer them encouraging words: “You know, we all know how to have a good time together at Christmas. Your dad and I are going to think about all those good times, and we’d like you both to think back to them too. Even though it won’t be the same, I know we can all enjoy each other at Christmas time and that your dad and I can each do some fun things with you over vacation. It’s not going to be the same but we’re going to make it good.”
• Be cordial with your ex over the holidays. Your behavior during this traditional family time can provide your kids with some hope that you two can and will be cordial with each other in the future.
• Talk with your ex about gifts so your children won’t be overindulged or let down.
• Your kids are old enough to ask directly how they want to celebrate the holidays, given your changed family structure. Asking them what they want to do can lead to a natural discussion of what they’re thinking and feeling.
• Create some new holiday traditions that your kids can look forward to doing with you. Encourage your ex to create his own different traditions as well.
• Keep all extended family, grandparents, etc. involved during the holidays (even if it can only be through email, cards, phone calls). They are still an integral part of your children’s lives and provide them with continuity and security in the face of your changed family structure.
• If you have done so before, continue to help your children select a present for your ex.
• Don’t communicate negative feelings about your ex through your words or behavior. Your kids will be taking their cues from the both of you.

Understanding that this first holiday season after your divorce will be different, while providing your children with compassion and coping strategies will not only help them through this holiday time but also long after the holidays pass.

Peace and joy to all of you.

Newly separated or divorced? Already anticipating the holiday blues? There are no easy answers, but I may have a few suggestions heading into the season, even if your familial landscape (and marital status) is undergoing a difficult time of change.

Thanksgiving isn’t about the turkey

Just remember – Thanksgiving isn’t about the turkey on your table, or the one you’ve been fighting with in court! Marital discord, separation, and divorce bring out the worst in all of us – yes, women, too. So try to remember that when you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, whether you’re diving into a plateful of white meat with cranberry sauce, or a bowl of homemade soup.

Do remember what you have to be grateful for. And, in every life – there’s plenty.

• If you have kids – it’s about them. Whatever the age, make your day about closeness – food, talk, games, a football tossed around the building hallway, or out in the backyard that needs raking. Ask about school, their dreams, what they’d like to read next. Whatever is age appropriate – and will make them feel like the center of your heart. Because, after all, don’t they need that right now more than anything?
• What else to be grateful for? Your health, your friends, your family. And it isn’t about quantity. It’s about quality.
• Want more? How about this wonderful resource of women just like you and nothing like you – but all of us anxious to engage in conversation, to listen, to lend our experience, to extend a hand and get to know you.
• Do you have a job? In this economy, that’s worth a big thank you.
• Is your ex paying support on time, and doing his best to co-parent according to schedule? Another thank you is due. It isn’t always the case.
• What about a hot pair of shoes? No? Shame! I’ve got plenty of suggestions on that score, and you just may need them in December. (We’ll talk…)

Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, and so on

Whatever you celebrate, remember that giving can be the greatest “getting” that there is. Isn’t that what this time of year is about? Wouldn’t it feel incredible to get outside your own head for a bit? And do some good for someone else?

• Can you close your eyes and recall the feeling when you gave of yourself without expecting anything in return? To a child, to a friend, to a stranger? That’s pretty sweet stuff in my book. Somewhere in your area, a shelter needs canned goods, toys, gift-wrap, a volunteer. You.
• Sharing the holidays with your ex for the very first time? A split in days, a need to shuffle the “traditional” schedule?
• I’ve been there. Half of Christmas spent at the airport, or holding the holiday dinner for hours, waiting. It’s hard. And for some of us it stays hard. But when there are children involved, it isn’t about us. It is about them.
• Do right by your kids, and that means no nasty words about the ex in front of them, and as much cooperation as you can muster. If you need to rant, cry, scream and curse – put it on paper, put it in a blog, scream it out in the shower, or call a friend and vent. But not to your kids. Never to your kids.
• Bake. Wrap. Walk. Brush the dog. Rescue a dog. Make a snowman. Light a candle for someone you love, and miss. Light a candle for you – the person you are becoming. New. Different. Lighter. Because it will happen – not without a bumpy road for some of us – but your best gift at holiday time is you.

So celebrate your courage, your integrity, and the dreams you will be able to nurture. And if you need us – we’ll be here for you.

Santa’s wish list

One last thing, everyone needs a holiday wish list. And don’t be shy! Want a hunka-hunka-beefcake hottie? Well write it down! Want a house full of teens and their friends? (Yes, that’s on my list; call me crazy…) Write it down! When you articulate what you want, it’s easier to imagine it and achieve it. And, you’re never too old to need, to want, or to dream.

My wish list? Yes, it does include that house full of my teens (and my son home from college). It also comes complete with sexy DVDs, hot leopard trimmed stiletto booties, and a great big bear of a loving guy. Whether you’re ready for sex, for love, or both wrapped up in the same package – make a list!

And don’t forget Oreos for Santa, oatmeal for the reindeer, chocolate coins (for the woman in all of us), and your best face – and foot – forward. You never know what you may find stuffed in your stocking come holiday time!

© D A Wolf 2009

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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More Articles:

Holiday Loneliness…How to Beat Those Post Divorce Holiday Blues

How to Survive Your First Post Divorce Holiday

Holiday Cheer for the Newly Divorced

What divorced parent doesn’t dread the holidays – just a little bit?

We’re headed into times for family gatherings. For many of us, our Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations are tinged with melancholy. We know that tables will be set for a smaller number than they used to be. We may recall other times, and sense our children feeling pulled in conflicting directions.

When our children are shuttled between two homes, and some – seen off at airports – holiday time can be more about logistics than celebration.

So how do we manage with our heads held high? How do we make it easier for our kids? Emotionally, and otherwise?

I’ve had my share of heartache over this one. Years of it. When my boys were with their dad and not with me, the loneliness was palpable. I was used to making a big, messy, fabulous fuss – especially over Christmas.

Then there were the times that one son wanted to leave town to see his dad, and the other wanted to stay and hang at home. Of course, they both had to go – and I was stuck listening to complaints, while fighting my own wish to have them both with me.

So you position things as positively as you can, and remind yourself that ideally, children will build memories with both their parents.

But I didn’t kid myself. I knew they remembered the way things were “before” – and that nothing I could do would replace that. The holiday shuffle was an unpleasant dance. It still is.

Which brings me to time.

I won’t say it heals all wounds, but it eases them.

• With time, you make new traditions.
• With time, your children grow accustomed to sharing special days.
• With time, you grow used to hauling to and from the airport.
• With time, you learn to treat yourself to a break.

Might you consider making plans with friends? Taking a few days of quiet with books and a soaking tub? A little vacation if you can manage it?

And then there’s compromise.

For some of us, compromise is difficult under any circumstances. Compromise is especially challenging if we envision the holidays in a certain way, and reality doesn’t seem to measure up. But compromise is a life skill we can pass along by example – if two parents can remember they will always be connected through their children. And it’s the children’s best interests we should be thinking of, when it comes to the holidays.

© D A Wolf / Big Little Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Have you ever sat down, the week before Thanksgiving, and realized that no one talked about visitation?  You don’t know who’s staying with whom or what days you are celebrating holidays…it’s just crazy to not plan ahead!

Coordinating the Schedules

Planning your calendar makes life easier for everyone.  If you’ve remarried, and your ex-spouse has remarried, (and the people they remarried were married before) your schedule can effect up to five different families!  Your children also need to know where they are, on different weekends, so that there is stability in their lives.

I hope you have already determined the holiday visitation schedule when you completed a separation agreement.  If not, common agreements include that the dad will have the kids over Christmas on even ending years, and the mom will have them on odd ending years.  Children transition to the other home Christmas afternoon, evening, or the next day.  Other holidays are decided the same (with the even/odd year schedule.)  Example:  If Dad has the kids on the even ending years, then he will have them on the odd ending years during Thanksgiving and Spring break.

Mode of Transportation

Check your calendar and start figuring out how to transport your child to your ex’s house.  Will they travel by car, train, or airplane?  Amtrak and the airlines provide special services for the unaccompanied child, but you must state that your child is traveling alone when you make the reservation.  Reservations made earlier will get you a better rate than waiting until weeks before your child’s visit.

Communicate with your ex-spouse before making any final arrangements.  Make sure you give them at least several weeks (to talk with the other families) to confirm the dates and travel plans.

Getting Your Child Organized

It’s helpful to give your child his or her own personal calendar with the visitation dates clearly marked.  Having a large calendar in the kitchen, with each child a different color, will also help coordinate your family.  If your child knows their schedule, it will give him or her a sense of continuity and stability.  They can look at their own calendar anytime they are unsure about when the next visit to Mom or Dad’s house will be.

Clothes

Start marking their clothes if your child is visiting a house with other children in a blended family that are the same size and gender. Marking their initials on the insides of clothing will mean your child comes home with his or her own clothes and not the wardrobe of a child that’s not yours!  We’ve had a child come home with size 3 Batman underwear (he’s 16 and as big as an adult!) and also “lose” half his blue jeans, over the holidays.  Mark their initials on all their clothes.  It’s also helpful to include a list of all clothes that are being sent.  If the noncustodial parent (or their spouse) does laundry, they will have a checklist to make sure everything goes back home.

Does everything still fit?  Children grow constantly, and you don’t want to send your child to a noncustodial parent’s house with clothes or shoes that are too short or small.  Does your child have enough underwear and socks for a week without laundry?  You may want to discuss with your ex-spouse if your child’s clothes can be washed during their visit.

Proper Luggage

Check your child’s luggage. Are their any wears or tears that will not be good for travel?  Children may not mention little holes in luggage, but with the ruggedness of travel, you can lose a lot of precious valuables through a little hole!  Follow the sales in the local papers, and you can pick up a large set of luggage inexpensively.  Make sure you also purchase luggage tags, so that your child’s name and address is marked on each piece of his or her luggage.

Medicine and Vitamins

Do you need medicine containers to transport medicine?  Make sure you also send instructions to the noncustodial parent, on how to administer the medicine.  Also, talk with your child about being responsible for taking their vitamins and medicine daily.

If you plan ahead and stay organized, the scheduling of your child’s holiday visitation will go more smoothly.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

A Blended Family Mom asks:

We can’t plan our holidays because my husband’s ex-spouse keeps changing the visitation schedule.  We want to plan a vacation with all of our kids, but we can’t do it, unless we get definite visitation dates from my husband’s ex.   My husband usually just let’s his ex-spouse change the schedule whenever she wants and he doesn’t confront her. I don’t think I should have to issue ultimatums or direct my partner on how he deals with his ex-spouse, but I also realize that this is impacting my attempts at a successful blended family. I have had this same discussion with him and though he agrees, I see few attempts on his part to change his communications with his ex-spouse.  Any advice for us?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

A visitation agreement is put into place for a reason- to keep these kinds of disagreements and inconveniences from happening.  I know you don’t want to give your husband ultimatums, but you can educate him on how his inactivity effects your family and your marriage. 

Ask your husband if he supports you or his ex-wife more. I’m sure his immediate answer will be “You, of course.”  Then, explain how his inactivity favors his ex-spouse.  By letting his ex take advantage of the visitation schedule, repeatedly, he is putting you and your blended family in last place.  Hopefully, after discussing this, he will realize it’s time to take a stand.

He should then inform his ex-wife that you will now follow the visitation agreement exactly.  You can add some accommodations by allow changes among all parties if over ____ days notice are given, or unless it’s an emergency.   Being willing to work together on the visitation is fine, but if one party is constantly changing the schedule, especially at the last minute- it’s time to take a stand and communicate your expectations. Also read Chapter Nine of Blended Family Advice.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

I sometimes celebrate mine in April ~ just because…

But the bottom line is that this is not only our ‘Birthday Season’, it’s the run-up to the traditional holiday season. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all of those get~togethers and parties and for some of us ~ excruciating loneliness.

Dividing and splitting the holidays is like taking your heart out of your chest and squeezing all of the love and the blood out. It feels so bruised and so empty. Heaving with pain. Nowhere to run.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, get ready. Prepare yourselves because it’s not only coming, it’ll be here before you know it. Make a plan if you can and do something completely out~of~character from your former holiday plans.

Our first post-divorce Christmas days were spent in an upmarket waterpark/resort park/caravan park a couple of hours away from home. We brought a 3 foot tree and decorations, we brought our pressies and swimsuits and focused on not getting sunburned. The day itself dawned achingly empty despite the fact that we were together. We happened to meet a Canadian couple with two daughters who were holidaying in Australia and were desperately homesick. My kids and I cut our trip short and brought them home with us to see what a ‘traditional Australian/American hot~as~hell Christmas by the ocean’ was like. We smiled with our new friends and regaled them to the best of our ability. When they left to continue their Aussie adventure, we had lived through our first Christmas without Daddy.

The next few were abysmal. He was refusing to pay Child Support and I knew that our holiday would be steaming hot and basically foodless. In early October I contacted the homeless missions in our area and we began training to work over the Christmas Holidays. We worked our fingers to the bone and came home exhausted, grateful for what we DID have, and maybe wiser.

The next year was the year that my ex kidnapped our youngest and beloved 11 year old, keeping him in the USA with no contact. That year was the worst, we felt incapable of proceeding with any plans without our Tazzie. Again the lack of Child Support payments, again the stifling heat, and even though it was now the fourth year as a divorced family, it was not something that we could get used to.

Flash forward to today, a decade after he left and the dust has settled. The father brought our sunshine back to us and I let it go, just grateful beyond belief at the smell of my son’s skin. Taz had made it clear that he would never again go anywhere with his father, slipping away from him in Las Vegas to call me with spare change that he had been pilfering for weeks so that I could track his father down. My children saw me find my power and retain my grace and followed suit. Their father was humbled and began to treat them (and, in a way ~ me) with the respect that we deserved.

These days it has become a pattern. They come from far and near to sleep over at my home on Christmas Eve. We drive around looking at the lights, all of us together ~ and get ice cream before my big kids read ‘The Night Before Christmas’ to Alex, my 12 year old son from another mother. We begin the early preparations for the best breakfast of the year and we talk together in my living room with the tree sparkling and winking.

In the morning we will open our gifts together and then will be joined by some of Alex’s siblings and we feast on fresh fruits, fresh juices, freshly made eggnog, croissants, fresh coffee and cakes. We will sit in our airy outside room and share the most magical morning together as we open our stockings after we’ve eaten. There will be music playing and laughter and conversations flowing.

And then…my children will leave to go to their fathers and that aching roar will revisit my bones and I will begin to fail. I will pretend that I am not in distress as Alex and I will go to the river with our innertubes and a fine picnic of fresh shrimp and bread and juices and fruits. I will fake being happy as I still feel that distinct loneliness. I get by. I have to.

My message is to prepare yourself. You already know that it’s going to hurt, you already know that it will create a battle raging within you. But you can map it out so that you are prepared. Helping less fortunate people is a great way to center yourself and your children. Giving of yourself is an ideal way to find yourself.

Many places demand that you get training first. Check it out now. Get in touch with a food kitchen in a town that you’ve always wanted to go to and offer yourself. They may allow you to train in your own home town and then welcome you in. For this season, take yourself out of your comfort zone and use this time to grow.

Christmas holidays are all about giving. What is better than giving your love and making a difference? The reward is two fold. You give to your world in the best way possible and you lose that empty time where you would curl up and cry. It’s a win/win situation. Just start the wheels in motion now…

So, here you go, a bit of a teaser with a link to the full article. Enjoy, learn and if you have a noteworthy link let me know so it can be shared also.

The Life Behind the Face

I am your neighbor, your colleague, your sister; I am the woman who yells at the cashier because I am breaking. I am the woman who apologizes afterward, and too often. I will nod and take my change and say thank you. You will not recognize me as the face of…read more

A Marriage Unravels

Debbie was married for about six years when she discovered her husband had been unfaithful. That then led to the discovery that he was also a pedophile. At the time, their son was two-and-a-half. Although, they did try to work at saving marriage, perhaps it was inevitable that they divorced. Debbie’s story starts with how she found out about his infidelity…read more

When the new Wife gets in the Way of Co-Parenting

So, when this single mom was pregnant, they broke up. Her husband left her for another woman. Unbelievably, the first time this single mom met her husband’s new girlfriend was in the delivery room! “They were stitching me up and she walked in and asked if she could hold the baby,” she recalls. “I hadn’t even held him yet!”…read more

Ten Signs You are Over Your Ex

Just last week, we shared with you the 10 Signs You’re Not Over Your Ex. And while we sympathize with those of you who were still pining (we cyberstalk our exes sometimes, too) we’re hoping the post was the catalyst you needed to finally move past that toxic purgatory of single-but-still-hanging-on. And since one week is totally long enough to get over someone once and for all, we thought we’d check in on your progress. For your reference, here are 10 signs you’re over your ex…read more

Ten Divorce Stories Too Strange to Make Up

Nothing can bring utter insanity to the lives of otherwise reasonable people like a nasty divorce. People in that situation suddenly find within themselves untapped wells of pettiness and crazy, leading to the kind immature behavior that would embarrass the average 10-year-old.

How bizarre do these cases get? Well…read more

You and your new spouse/boyfriend are wondering what to do about a vacation… 

Do you have the fantastic idea of taking your newly blended family on a three-week car ride all around the United States?

Uh oh… maybe you haven’t thought this through.                       

Your spouse/boyfriend is asking if maybe we should just take separate vacations.

Nope – that’s not the answer either! 

Keep it Simple

So- it is really wrong to take a 3 week car ride all over the United States?  No, not really.  If your blended family has been together for over a year or two, the kids are small, or you have a large recreational vehicle- then it sounds like a wonderful adventure.  But, if you’re just starting out, as a new blended family, I don’t recommend it.  That’s too close quarters and a lot of patience for adults and children to have for such a long amount of time. 

Keep it Fair

Taking vacations separately is not completely wrong either, just a little difficult.  When families blend in a new marriage, the kids are watching to see if everyone is going to be treated the same.  The kids may expect to receive special treatment from their biological parent, but this sort of behavior just leads to parental conflicts and a sense of instability, insecurity and uncertainty in your household.  I don’t recommend separate vacations except under certain circumstances:

•  The school breaks are different (i.e. Spring Break) and the kids are out at different times.  Take each group of kids on similar vacations, but at different times.
•  You want to take one child on a vacation, alone, to celebrate an accomplishment (i.e. graduation from High School or College.) 

This is fine, but realize that the other kids are already anticipating their trip! 

Keep it Short

The best vacations for a newly blended family are weekend getaways, but not more than 3-4 nights.  These are trial adventures, for your family to get to know each other.  Examples of these types of trips:

Weekend in the mountains

Weekend at the beach

Weekend at a historical city/location

3-4 night cruise

Keys to Success

You don’t always have to stay together, the entire weekend as a blended family.  But, as your children are watching, mix it up a bit.  Let older teenagers take younger children on a short outing, while the adults have some time alone.  Split up with your biological children for a couple of hours, but make sure you do similar/equal activities.  Or, husband takes the boys and wife takes the girls on separate outings. 

Keep a record of the event

Take informal, candid photos of your group.  Every now and then, when things are going well, take some group shots.  When you get home, put these photos in a family album or scrapbook, and also your favorite photo on the wall or counter- for all to see and remember. This excerpt was taken from Shirley Cress Dudley’s ebook, Fun Blended Family Vacations.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Other articles:

Turning The Ex Against The Kids

Why Did My Dad (Or Mom) Remarry & Get A Step Family?

Surviving The First 90 Days In A Bended Family