Tailor Summer Vacation to Meet Your Children’s Needs

Hello Summer: Summertime is here, and with it comes unique hurdles and real opportunities for families of divorce. Parents who are early on in the divorce process need to think carefully about their plans and tailor them for their children. What we want is fun for all.

The first summer after a separation is challenging for all involved–especially the children. As the season opens, and school schedules change, kids are often left with more downtime to spend with their respective parents. Vacations pose an additional need for adjustments for you, your estranged spouse, and your children. In keeping with the mantra of The Intelligent Divorce: your children must always come first. Make sure that they don’t get stuck, yet again, right in the middle of their parent’s issues.

Let’s start with the positive:

Vacation is meant to be a time for bonding and fun. For the non-custodial parent, it is a time to strengthen the parent-child bond, to connect in a deep way, and to make new and wonderful memories.

For the custodial parent, vacation is a time when you don’t have to check homework and you can be more relaxed and flexible on bedtime. It gives you a chance to enjoy your kids with less worry and fuss.

Timing:

When planning a vacation, it is important to consider how much time has passed since the divorce. If recent, then a vacation–even just a week or two–is a long time for kids to be away from their other parent. Be prepared to manage your children’s homesickness and/or separation anxiety, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent.

Decide in advance when and how often your children can touch base with their mom or dad. If you are the parent of youngsters, you may need to be extra sensitive. A two-week vacation may be too much for your six-year-old, if up until this point she has not been away from her mother for more than three days. Do not feel rejected; your children are moving through the stages of grief at their own speed.

Location:

We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back to certain places again and again. Forewarned is forearmed: traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids when the family was intact, which will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce.

I advise you start fresh with an unvisited place, one where new memories can be made, and old, fond memories needn’t risk being tainted.

Preparation:

There are several things you can do to make the family vacation more stress-free, most of which center around the important idea of effective communication with your ex. Make it a point to arrange your children’s schedule together with your ex, in order to avoid unpleasant surprises and fights over your kids’ time.

Co-planning will lessen the awkward and unnecessary issue of one parent inadvertently (or otherwise) scheduling a vacation that interferes with a child’s routine. This includes the end or beginning of the school year, other summer activities, or an important time for the ex-spouses, like Mom’s birthday or Father’s Day.

Above all else, remember: vacation is not a competition with your ex to see who is the ‘better’ parent. It’s a good idea to plan fun activities with your children, but don’t over-do it. Your vacation should be a chance for you and your kids to enjoy quality time together.

Introducing your “new friend”:

Have you ever seen The Parent Trap (or any number of other movies) where the divorced parent brings a new girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation, against the wishes of his or her kids? In the movies, it is a plot device introduced to wreak havoc and chaos–which it almost certainly will in real life, too.

Avoid making this common mistake by resisting the temptation to bring along your new flame. Especially after a recent divorce, your kids will not be ready. They may well resent the fact that this ‘new person’ is coming on the family vacation.

Don’t put them in a position where they may feel disloyal to their other parent, or where they feel forced into the acceptance of the finality of their parent’s divorce before they are organically ready. You need to wait until some time has passed. I recommend one calendar year at minimum.

We know the summer months and family vacations can be stressful times, but they can also be fun times, the backdrop for new memories and new family traditions.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children. Order your copy today!

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Valentine’s Day is coming up. Is it pulling on your heart strings, and making you feel a little bit sad? Are you facing it alone, and feeling pressure to be part of a couple? Valentine’s  doldrums? Cheer up!

Valentine’s Day is intended to be about love, right? You have children you love, parents or siblings you love, friends you adore. Perhaps your kids are grown, but you’re learning to love yourself all over again.

Who says Valentine’s must be about romantic love with a partner offering a rose and a box of chocolates?

Make Valentine’s Day about what matters – to you

Here are some suggestions for making V-Day a great day, whether you’re part of a couple or not.

• Head out with a girlfriend for a wine tasting at a bar or restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Or choose a cozy café. Go at lunchtime if you prefer, so you don’t feel sorry for yourself in the evening, when the cooing “dating” crowd is out and about.
• Try something exotic! Grab that girlfriend and head to the Middle Eastern restaurant with the belly dancer. Or go for a new type of cuisine – a taste of Korea for example, or whatever might suit your fancy. A little bit of spicy food will hit high notes with your palate on an evening when spice is nice.
• Do you prefer to stay in? Then rent or pick up a few movies – the sort of films that make you cry (and you feel better afterward). Yes, I am a HUGE fan of chick flicks. Or, try a movie that’s totally different – an action-packed thriller with a hunky star, or a foreign film simply because it’s French and you’ve always wanted to visit France. Pick up a bottle of French wine while you’re at it, and plan on an evening of pleasure, just for yourself.
• Maybe you imagine yourself in a villa in Tuscany – some day. Lovely dream, isn’t it? Then rent an Italian film, pick up a bottle of Chianti, and indulge. Foreign films offer intrigue as well as romantic escapades, but not just for the “beautiful people.” Frequently, quirky humor and more real men and women are the stuff of European film making. I even have a recommendation – Bread and Tulips – a delightful Italian film, perfect for Valentine’s.
• Since we’re on the subject of Europe, might you care to indulge in a little dreaming? Browse through your favorite travel sites online. Imagine the Mediterranean vacation you’re going to take – whether it’s by yourself or with a friend. Prefer a more exotic locale? Or a ski trip and a cabin in the Alps? There are tremendous travel deals in winter, with both hotel discounts and bargains in air fares. And if you can’t afford it now, it costs nothing to dream. And dreams make you feel great!

Around the neighborhood

Planning on sticking closer to home? You can entertain yourself in the neighborhood or around the house.

• Invite a single friend (or several) to your place for Valentine’s evening – make dinner together. Cooking with another person is always more fun anyway. It needn’t be a budding love interest; it can be with a buddy.
• Wander your favorite department store at the local mall. Oh hell – walk through Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, or Nordstrom’s if you can! Try on the most gorgeous designer shoes you’ve ever seen. I don’t suggest this for a shopaholic, but otherwise, it’s my favorite therapy for whatever ails me, and guaranteed to leave me feeling sublime.
• And speaking of department stores, a little stop at the perfume counter to sample a fragrance is always fun. Is it time for a new scent? New stage, new perfume? Why not try one for Valentine’s? Remember you can also enjoy the offer of a free makeup consultation, and let a makeup artist do your face. Try out a new look. Why not?
• If you still have children at home, share your love and enjoy those kids! Find an old blanket or table cloth and make a picnic on the rug in the living room. It won’t matter what you actually cook – make sandwiches, or microwave chicken fingers. They won’t care. Eating on the floor will be delight enough, because it’s unconventional. And don’t forget those wonderful candy hearts!
• More Happy Valentine’s Day projects to show your love to little ones? Try your hand at construction paper projects. Bake heart-shaped cookies covered in icing or sprinkles. Do it together in the evening. Make a mess, and leave the rules behind. It’s Valentine’s!

This is a day that should be about happiness – and that can be shared with anyone who is lodged in your heart. It may be your children, your best friend, or with your best new, emerging self. Make it a special day. There’s no need for sadness, even if you recall other holidays when things were different. Make new memories – about you, for you, and for those in your life now.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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You know what I love about New Year’s? Not the parties, not the silly hats, not the streamers and confetti. I enjoy the days of relative calm leading up to the first, and on New Year’s Eve, I still delight in counting down to midnight, watching the ball drop in Times Square, and sipping a glass of bubbly from the coziness of my own home.

I bask in the delicious sense of beginning again, the possibility of a fresh start. A new year is hopeful – and I’m always optimistic when imagining what the year may bring.

A new sense of self

I take these days after Christmas and in early January to look inward. I think about how my attitude or actions may shift to improve my personal and professional situation, my health, my parenting. As a divorced woman, of course I think about the responsibilities and concerns that remain squarely in my lap; I continue the job of raising kids, with time and money very tight. But in taking these days to reflect, I gain perspective. I see where I can be less reactionary, less emotionally invested in things beyond my control, and where I may simplify. That means letting go of unrealistic expectations, and reassessing priorities.

Instead of considering a sweeping array of changes, I might focus on one or two things I can do with little to no cost. For myself. About myself. Ways to make everyday life better. I’m pragmatic about it, but I never lose sight of my dreams.

Change

Change is the one constant – as we all know. And when we’ve been married and divorced, we’re experts on change, and often, unanticipated ramifications that toss us into foreign and often frightening territories.

When I’m tired or overwhelmed, the idea of more change seems unbearable. But with a few days around the new year (and a little sleep), I realize that the rocky road I’ve journeyed has deepened my capacity for compassion, and provided wisdom. I am a better mother, a better friend, a better lover. A better woman. Change teaches us to call upon the strength, creative problem-solving, and beauty that reside in each of us.

Starting over

How many times have you started over? And I don’t just mean marriage and divorce. Think about it – new schools, new cities, new jobs – in each instance, you start over. With trepidation, and excitement.

We’re all capable of starting over, even as we get older. Yes, it’s harder at 50 than at 30, but starting over doesn’t have to involve dramatic changes, though it can mean significant ones.

We start over when we make a decision to set aside anger, to focus on our best selves, to laugh more often. We don’t need explicit resolutions to do these things, only awareness. And with these small steps, our days may brighten – and consequently, we lighten everything for those around us. Another benefit? Invariably, we draw more people to us.

A good year ahead

I plan on having a terrific 2010. Not only is it a new year, it’s a new decade! I’m not looking for white knights galloping in with quick-fix solutions to long-term issues. I’m not anticipating winning the lottery. But would I be open to a great man and a little romance? Of course! A terrific new project that is well-paid? Absolutely!

However, what will make the year a good one has to do with me – my ability to sustain a positive outlook, and my resolve to take better care of myself so I may be ready for whatever comes my way.

There will always be challenges and work – but I intend to bring my feminine will, wit, and wiles to the forefront, and on all fronts: dressing nicely each day (because I enjoy it), writing more often at my favorite café (less isolating), and welcoming human connections as simple and far-reaching as a hello.

What can you bring to your new year, to make things brighter for yourself, and those you love?

©D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Do you find yourself dialing a friend to vent at every twist and turn of your dreadful, never ending divorce? Ok gals, I can remember going through my divorce and having diarrhea of the mouth about every foul thing my ex did – and you know what? It didn’t make me feel any better, as a matter of fact I always felt worse. Can you relate?

I know well how the injustice, the disappointment, the coldness, the lies can drive you crazy but sinking to his level by gossiping with your friends will just keep you in a downward spiral and leave you feeling empty.

So what’s a girl to do? Below three great techniques that will help you rise above your unconscious need to bash and lash out at your soon to be ex.

Change Your Story

When your friends call and want the latest update simply change your story. Esther and Jerry Hicks, authors of The Law of Attraction, contend we each have the power to change our circumstances by changing our story. Instead of going into your usual tirade, tell your friends you are beginning to see the light, you are feeling pretty good about the situation and you are expecting everything to turn out in your favor. Even if this is not true now your continued verbal confirmation will manifest good will for you.

JOURNAL

Train yourself to grab your journal instead of your phone to release depression and frustration. In the time it takes to have a conversation you can dump your thoughts in stream of consciousness writing. This is fast and furious penning- no censoring or judgment. After you are done, read it and go a step deeper. Ask yourself why you are so irritated and see what comes up. Awareness is the first step to healing and will surely help you soar from the depths of despair.

DYNAMIC BREATHING

Taking a yoga class would be ideal but may not be practical. Dynamic breathing is a great substitute that you can do anywhere: car, office, home. Start by breathing in deeply through your nose – picturing white light entering your body. Exhale through your nose, picturing all negativity flowing out of your body. Dynamic breathing is both a cleansing and centering exercise. You will feel immediate peace – able to see things with a more positive perspective.

Bonus Tip – This is my promise -if you implement these techniques you’ll feel empowered instead of empty. Now wouldn’t you agree that’s a much better place to be?

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A few weeks ago, a law firm in England named Lloyd Platt and Company began offering such vouchers as gifts for the holiday season.  For 125 pounds, each voucher is good for one half-hour session of divorce advice with one of their lawyers, quite a savings since they normally charge 325 pounds/hr ($530/hr).  This means that husbands, wives, mistresses, friends, heck – even kids, can nudge the process along by sticking this paid-for service in a loved-one’s Christmas stocking.

Perhaps you might find the whole concept distasteful and degrading  - after all,  aren’t we stooping to new lows in the idea of divorce being a ‘present’?  Regardless, their firm claims to have already sold sixty vouchers, indicating there is definitely some kind of demand.  As senior partner Vanessa Lloyd Platt explains: “Christmas can be a very stressful time for families as we have always seen by the huge increase of people seeking advice in January. The vouchers seem to appeal to an enormously wide spread spectrum of people looking for that ‘must have’ gift for Christmas.”

A part of me agrees that upon first glance, such a voucher seems immoral as it promotes or even facilitates divorce.  Upon closer inspection, however, I see how it could be highly valuable to the receiver. For example, if a woman didn’t have the financial means to seek counsel or was inert in an unhappy marriage because of her fear or lack of knowledge of her rights.   I’m suddenly reminded of how a girlfriend of mine bought ME a session with a new lawyer during my divorce process; she was adamant I needed a second opinion.  If she’d delivered it in a voucher instead of paying over the phone by visa, I really don’t think I’d have cared; it was much need…and appreciated.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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My husband and I divorced several months ago after eleven years of marriage. He’s living in a neighboring town and we share custody of our children, ages nine and seven. It was a bitter divorce and our kids heard far too much anger towards the end.

My question is what to do about celebrating Christmas this year? I want this first holiday after the divorce to be as pleasant as I can make it for them, but I know it’s going to be tough on everyone. My ex-husband will probably visit here on Christmas day and take the kids for part of their school vacation. Do I just try to celebrate like we always did? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Tis the season for children

Let’s be honest, you, your ex, and your kids all will be experiencing some sadness and melancholy this Christmas. Although I’m sure you both have assured your kids that you will always love them and care for them, the reality of spending their first Christmas as a separated, divorced family will hit them hard (regardless of whether they actually speak to you of their feelings). They are going to long for happy holidays the way they used to be (or imagined them to be even if they weren’t for you and your ex) and those times are gone.

You can, however, make every effort to provide them with the best emotional environment possible to enjoy this holiday season. Here are a few suggestions on how to deal with the additional stress during this particular holiday and how to satisfy your children’s needs at this time:

• Show them you understand their feelings and worries: “I know you’re going to feel sad sometimes this Christmas and maybe a little angry and worried too. It’s going to feel different not being together like we have been. Things will be different this year.”
• Offer them encouraging words: “You know, we all know how to have a good time together at Christmas. Your dad and I are going to think about all those good times, and we’d like you both to think back to them too. Even though it won’t be the same, I know we can all enjoy each other at Christmas time and that your dad and I can each do some fun things with you over vacation. It’s not going to be the same but we’re going to make it good.”
• Be cordial with your ex over the holidays. Your behavior during this traditional family time can provide your kids with some hope that you two can and will be cordial with each other in the future.
• Talk with your ex about gifts so your children won’t be overindulged or let down.
• Your kids are old enough to ask directly how they want to celebrate the holidays, given your changed family structure. Asking them what they want to do can lead to a natural discussion of what they’re thinking and feeling.
• Create some new holiday traditions that your kids can look forward to doing with you. Encourage your ex to create his own different traditions as well.
• Keep all extended family, grandparents, etc. involved during the holidays (even if it can only be through email, cards, phone calls). They are still an integral part of your children’s lives and provide them with continuity and security in the face of your changed family structure.
• If you have done so before, continue to help your children select a present for your ex.
• Don’t communicate negative feelings about your ex through your words or behavior. Your kids will be taking their cues from the both of you.

Understanding that this first holiday season after your divorce will be different, while providing your children with compassion and coping strategies will not only help them through this holiday time but also long after the holidays pass.

Peace and joy to all of you.

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

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Newly separated or divorced? Already anticipating the holiday blues? There are no easy answers, but I may have a few suggestions heading into the season, even if your familial landscape (and marital status) is undergoing a difficult time of change.

Thanksgiving isn’t about the turkey

Just remember – Thanksgiving isn’t about the turkey on your table, or the one you’ve been fighting with in court! Marital discord, separation, and divorce bring out the worst in all of us – yes, women, too. So try to remember that when you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, whether you’re diving into a plateful of white meat with cranberry sauce, or a bowl of homemade soup.

Do remember what you have to be grateful for. And, in every life – there’s plenty.

• If you have kids – it’s about them. Whatever the age, make your day about closeness – food, talk, games, a football tossed around the building hallway, or out in the backyard that needs raking. Ask about school, their dreams, what they’d like to read next. Whatever is age appropriate – and will make them feel like the center of your heart. Because, after all, don’t they need that right now more than anything?
• What else to be grateful for? Your health, your friends, your family. And it isn’t about quantity. It’s about quality.
• Want more? How about this wonderful resource of women just like you and nothing like you – but all of us anxious to engage in conversation, to listen, to lend our experience, to extend a hand and get to know you.
• Do you have a job? In this economy, that’s worth a big thank you.
• Is your ex paying support on time, and doing his best to co-parent according to schedule? Another thank you is due. It isn’t always the case.
• What about a hot pair of shoes? No? Shame! I’ve got plenty of suggestions on that score, and you just may need them in December. (We’ll talk…)

Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, and so on

Whatever you celebrate, remember that giving can be the greatest “getting” that there is. Isn’t that what this time of year is about? Wouldn’t it feel incredible to get outside your own head for a bit? And do some good for someone else?

• Can you close your eyes and recall the feeling when you gave of yourself without expecting anything in return? To a child, to a friend, to a stranger? That’s pretty sweet stuff in my book. Somewhere in your area, a shelter needs canned goods, toys, gift-wrap, a volunteer. You.
• Sharing the holidays with your ex for the very first time? A split in days, a need to shuffle the “traditional” schedule?
• I’ve been there. Half of Christmas spent at the airport, or holding the holiday dinner for hours, waiting. It’s hard. And for some of us it stays hard. But when there are children involved, it isn’t about us. It is about them.
• Do right by your kids, and that means no nasty words about the ex in front of them, and as much cooperation as you can muster. If you need to rant, cry, scream and curse – put it on paper, put it in a blog, scream it out in the shower, or call a friend and vent. But not to your kids. Never to your kids.
• Bake. Wrap. Walk. Brush the dog. Rescue a dog. Make a snowman. Light a candle for someone you love, and miss. Light a candle for you – the person you are becoming. New. Different. Lighter. Because it will happen – not without a bumpy road for some of us – but your best gift at holiday time is you.

So celebrate your courage, your integrity, and the dreams you will be able to nurture. And if you need us – we’ll be here for you.

Santa’s wish list

One last thing, everyone needs a holiday wish list. And don’t be shy! Want a hunka-hunka-beefcake hottie? Well write it down! Want a house full of teens and their friends? (Yes, that’s on my list; call me crazy…) Write it down! When you articulate what you want, it’s easier to imagine it and achieve it. And, you’re never too old to need, to want, or to dream.

My wish list? Yes, it does include that house full of my teens (and my son home from college). It also comes complete with sexy DVDs, hot leopard trimmed stiletto booties, and a great big bear of a loving guy. Whether you’re ready for sex, for love, or both wrapped up in the same package – make a list!

And don’t forget Oreos for Santa, oatmeal for the reindeer, chocolate coins (for the woman in all of us), and your best face – and foot – forward. You never know what you may find stuffed in your stocking come holiday time!

© D A Wolf 2009

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

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It was my birthday yesterday. I don’t know about you but I still get that princess feeling when I wake up and realise that it’s MY day. I polish my mental tiara and walk out into the world, seeing the flowers looking a little brighter, the coffee smells a bit nuttier, the day is finer. I don’t ever remember it raining on my birthday.

For my last (married) birthday, my loving husband took me out for breakfast ~ ordered a muffin and dandelion tea for himself and glared at me when I ordered a soy cappucino. (They cost more than normal percolated coffee). I forgot about the cherry danish after seeing his face.

When we finished our feast, we walked to the cd store and he led me to the $5 bin and told me to pick one. I leafed through Herb Alpert and Kenny Rogers and Doris Day singing the classics and said no thank you.

When we got home he presented me with a beautiful new sewing machine, something I had wanted for years. I was elated… until he told me that he had bought it so that I could make the cushions for the eight couches that he had been contracted to build for a backpacker hostel. Eight couches, six cushions per couch, 48 cushions plus pillows ~ exotic and pattern specific fabrics ~ weeks worth of work. Happy Birthday to me.

Yesterday I rose and adjusted that invisible tiara that I try to wear every day. I padded to the kitchen and fixed my coffee and waited in the morning sun. One by one the messages came in from my children and my friends. My Alex came out, bright eyed and ready to prepare his specialty, yogurt with muesli and banana ~ and the momentum had begun.

I would so much rather be alone in my home, in my space, alone in my world ~ than alone in a marriage. I am so much happier to be a sole parent with my children than I was to be a sole parent in a marriage.

I don’t miss the $5 cds, the pretending to be grateful for the soy cappucino when I really wanted the cherry danish too. I don’t miss the glowering stares, the gifts with ulterior motives ~ I don’t miss wishing that it could be better.

Yesterday I treated myself to a haircut by my favourite hairdresser. I sent my Alex off on a camping trip and then met my Book Club girls for an extended lunch with champagne.

My daughter called me four times from Sydney. My eldest son came over for the late afternoon and my youngest birth son took me out for dinner, accompanied by his brother and three of their friends who consider me to be their other mother.

I remember back to those 27 years with the ex, how he minimised my feelings of special every single year. How I would wake, adjust that mental tiara and then be let down by the one who was supposed to care. Do I miss that? Um, I don’t think so… Do I feel alone without a partner? No way.

Happy Birthday to me, for this space and time ~ my expectations have been met and my cup runneth over. Life has sweetened in the aftermath.

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Yep, it’s getting to be that time of year again. In my family there are a rash of birthdays in October. Mama, Daddy and then me, followed by grandmothers, aunts, sisters~in~law, nephews and when I was finally out on my own and able to celebrate being an individual, I proceeded to have my daughter on my mother’s birthday and my baby son three days after mine. I do believe that would be a total of nine in seven days.

I sometimes celebrate mine in April ~ just because…

But the bottom line is that this is not only our ‘Birthday Season’, it’s the run-up to the traditional holiday season. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all of those get~togethers and parties and for some of us ~ excruciating loneliness.

Dividing and splitting the holidays is like taking your heart out of your chest and squeezing all of the love and the blood out. It feels so bruised and so empty. Heaving with pain. Nowhere to run.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, get ready. Prepare yourselves because it’s not only coming, it’ll be here before you know it. Make a plan if you can and do something completely out~of~character from your former holiday plans.

Our first post-divorce Christmas days were spent in an upmarket waterpark/resort park/caravan park a couple of hours away from home. We brought a 3 foot tree and decorations, we brought our pressies and swimsuits and focused on not getting sunburned. The day itself dawned achingly empty despite the fact that we were together. We happened to meet a Canadian couple with two daughters who were holidaying in Australia and were desperately homesick. My kids and I cut our trip short and brought them home with us to see what a ‘traditional Australian/American hot~as~hell Christmas by the ocean’ was like. We smiled with our new friends and regaled them to the best of our ability. When they left to continue their Aussie adventure, we had lived through our first Christmas without Daddy.

The next few were abysmal. He was refusing to pay Child Support and I knew that our holiday would be steaming hot and basically foodless. In early October I contacted the homeless missions in our area and we began training to work over the Christmas Holidays. We worked our fingers to the bone and came home exhausted, grateful for what we DID have, and maybe wiser.

The next year was the year that my ex kidnapped our youngest and beloved 11 year old, keeping him in the USA with no contact. That year was the worst, we felt incapable of proceeding with any plans without our Tazzie. Again the lack of Child Support payments, again the stifling heat, and even though it was now the fourth year as a divorced family, it was not something that we could get used to.

Flash forward to today, a decade after he left and the dust has settled. The father brought our sunshine back to us and I let it go, just grateful beyond belief at the smell of my son’s skin. Taz had made it clear that he would never again go anywhere with his father, slipping away from him in Las Vegas to call me with spare change that he had been pilfering for weeks so that I could track his father down. My children saw me find my power and retain my grace and followed suit. Their father was humbled and began to treat them (and, in a way ~ me) with the respect that we deserved.

These days it has become a pattern. They come from far and near to sleep over at my home on Christmas Eve. We drive around looking at the lights, all of us together ~ and get ice cream before my big kids read ‘The Night Before Christmas’ to Alex, my 12 year old son from another mother. We begin the early preparations for the best breakfast of the year and we talk together in my living room with the tree sparkling and winking.

In the morning we will open our gifts together and then will be joined by some of Alex’s siblings and we feast on fresh fruits, fresh juices, freshly made eggnog, croissants, fresh coffee and cakes. We will sit in our airy outside room and share the most magical morning together as we open our stockings after we’ve eaten. There will be music playing and laughter and conversations flowing.

And then…my children will leave to go to their fathers and that aching roar will revisit my bones and I will begin to fail. I will pretend that I am not in distress as Alex and I will go to the river with our innertubes and a fine picnic of fresh shrimp and bread and juices and fruits. I will fake being happy as I still feel that distinct loneliness. I get by. I have to.

My message is to prepare yourself. You already know that it’s going to hurt, you already know that it will create a battle raging within you. But you can map it out so that you are prepared. Helping less fortunate people is a great way to center yourself and your children. Giving of yourself is an ideal way to find yourself.

Many places demand that you get training first. Check it out now. Get in touch with a food kitchen in a town that you’ve always wanted to go to and offer yourself. They may allow you to train in your own home town and then welcome you in. For this season, take yourself out of your comfort zone and use this time to grow.

Christmas holidays are all about giving. What is better than giving your love and making a difference? The reward is two fold. You give to your world in the best way possible and you lose that empty time where you would curl up and cry. It’s a win/win situation. Just start the wheels in motion now…

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But, alas no spouse.  Thankfully,  my dear friend Cathy helped my thirteen year old select two very nice wine decor thingy's and place them in a colorful gift bag and deliver them to me.  So, I did receive a gift.  My son, on the other hand, gave me a gift of "behavior" – he promised it to be all good behavior for the next three weeks left of the school year, and he mowed the back yard.  He did give me hugs and kisses (always better than a purchased gift any day of the week), and I loved them.

My lovely daughter also hugged and kissed and told me how much she loves me.  I love physical expressions of love. 

My mother, whom I did love but was never certain if she really loved me, was not demonstrative.  She would not just walk up to me and grab me and hug me to pieces as I do with my two children.  She never pulled me into her lap when I was thirteen and held me and rocked me and told me how wonderful I was.

My mom grew up in the Depression – a time when if your parents were able to give you food, clothing and shelter it was "good enough."  They inadvertently did some damage to my generation.  I never felt as though I deserved to be loved and I constantly sought it out by performing and always offering help or gifts or cheer to all around me.  I was a clown; an artist; the person who went and got the Christmas tree (after my dad died); a baker; the dog washer; the support.  And I never felt I was ever good enough, still.

My friend Nikki and I often talk about our parents.  Both of hers are living.  Both of mine are deceased.  She and I have been in each other's life on some level for 39 years!  I was fourteen when she was nineteen, but as the years passed, our age became meaningless.  I have a theory – once you're over 30 age is irrelevant.

Nikki got mad a few Christmases ago – mad at MY mom.  She actually slammed her fist on the table (ok, we'd had a little Crown & it was late on a Christmas day).  She said my mother damaged me, and she was right.  She also informed me that I had a right to be mad at my mom and to be angry.  After all she'd watched me grow up in a way.  She saw my struggle to make myself lovable.  It resembled her own fight.

So on this Mother's Day (plus one day) I would like to tell all the women who have "mothered" anyone or anything that each of you is quite lovable, that each of you are a child of the universe and deserve the space you fill, and do not let anyone make you feel any differently.  Happy Mother's Day.

~~Wanda