“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

When we come upon circumstances in our lives that we don’t find pleasing, there are several possible responses.  One is to complain about it (and this seems to be the most common response), a second is to accept the situation ‘as is’, and the third is to leave (to remove yourself from the situation altogether).

Let’s take a closer look at each of these options.  The favorite response is to complain about things, perhaps in the hopes that a vocal rejection of the situation might change it.  But Eckhart Tolle says, “To complain is always nonacceptance of what is.  It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge.  When you complain, you make yourself a victim.”

No wonder we don’t feel better after complaining.  In fact, we typically feel worse, and then begin to notice lots of other things that aren’t ‘right’ in the world.  Negative attracts negative, and so we find more to bemoan.  And ultimately it really affects us the most (although it will also bother those around us to hear all that negative energy spewing forth).  We feel terrible, are unhappy and are stressed.  So common sense says that this doesn’t sound like the best response.

Option two is to accept ‘what is’.  This means we let go of all of our expectations of how things should be, how it should turn out, how it should look, etc.  When we do this, we open up to whatever will be.  We are accepting of whatever happens, whatever it looks like, and in whatever time frame it occurs.  In other words, we are at peace with the situation, no matter what.  This feels good to those around us, and more importantly, it feels good to us.  We are calm, peaceful and accepting.

The third possible response is to leave the situation.  If you don’t like it and can’t accept it, then leave.  It’s really that simple.  Let’s say you’re at a party and the host’s children are being wild and noisy.  You don’t choose to complain about it (after all that doesn’t do you any good); you don’t choose to accept it and stay at the party under those conditions; so you can choose to leave and go somewhere else.

This doesn’t mean you have to be upset and leave in a huff — rather, you can graciously thank the host for the occasion and make an unobtrusive exit.  Then you can go do something that you would enjoy, perhaps something quieter and more relaxing for you.

Eckhart Tolle also said, “Leave the situation or accept it.  All else is madness.”  So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you are not feeling good, instead of complaining and making yourself feel worse, choose to “Take it or Leave it”.  In other words, choose to accept it the way it is, or choose to leave it completely. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

I was lucky to have the support of my friends and family when I went through my divorce.  While I’m grateful, I also recognize how those closest to us can hold us back and prevent healthy closure.

Upon hearing the news of my cheating husband and pending separation, a co-worker advised, “You’ll want alimony.  You’re lucky that you can get it these days.  It hasn’t always been so easy.”  When I told her that I was looking forward to financial independence, she was shocked.  “You never know,” she warned.  “It would be nice to have some extra money.”

“Make him pay,” a friend told me as she handed over the phone number for her attorney.

Yet another pal educated me about fault divorces and suggested that I expose my husband’s infidelity through the court system.  I was instructed to slash his tires, take his business and smear his name all over town.

I obeyed only a few of those suggestions.  I made threats and held on to some petty treasures.  Ultimately, that behavior benefitted nobody.  It proved only to stall the process, thus delaying my decree of liberation.

My friends meant well and did exactly as they thought they should.  They stuck by my side and defended me.  They wanted to protect me from the perceived enemy.  The problem was that I didn’t want to fight against my ex to obtain a divorce.  I intended to work with him to reach our common goal of dissolving the marriage.  That’s really what divorce is all about, isn’t it?

The truth is that our well-meaning friends and family can retard our healing.  While it’s often true that we need support in the beginning, the time will come when we can again stand on our own.  Unfortunately, we might not realize it if we are surrounded by loved ones who remain depressed, angry, confused, bitter or vengeful on our behalf.

Attitudes and emotions are contagious.  It’s impossible to move on when Mom is still coddling us.  It’s hard to forgive and let go if our best friend reminds us every day that the ex is a piece of trash.  How can we find compassion in our hearts while our co-workers are coaching us to exact revenge?  Remember that old saying about sleeping with dogs?  You get the idea…

Remaining angry and re-enforcing negative aspects of the relationship or separation will not propel you closer to freedom.  Rather, it will ensure that you remain a prisoner of your pain.  The opposite of love is indifference.  If you’re hating, you’re not healing.  And if others are helping you hate, they’re hurting your game.

For maximum mental health, pay attention to the attitudes of those around you.  Focus on the present and ask your friends for their encouragement toward your new and improved life.  Learn from the past and then let it go.  Your future will thank you.

Author Bio:

Tara Eisenhard is a pro-divorce enthusiast.  She believes that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce.  She loves dogs, drives a Saturn and happily cohabitates with a divorced dad.  Tara is the author of the blog “Relative Evolutions” located at thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com.  She tweets @dvrcncouragist and welcomes feedback via divorce.encouragist@gmail.com.

I was writing an e-workbook for a teleclass I was going to give on the topic of forgiveness.  As I always approach this type of writing project, I wrote down my thoughts about where I’ve been, how I moved forward and where I am now in regards to the topic.  Forgiveness is one of those areas that bring up a lot of emotion, justification, awareness, stubbornness, hurt feelings, etc.  But as I sat writing down my thoughts the following visual exercise came to mind:

Exercise – Imagine you have been given an all expense paid trip to an unknown destination.  You are told to arrive at the airport and go immediately through the security check.  You are asked to leave the things in the bins on the conveyor belt that won’t be good for your trip; things that will weigh you down; specifically the resentments you’ve been carrying.

First you are asked to take off your shoes – they represent the need to kick someone that has hurt you, your desire to run away from your feelings or the images of stomping on the people you feel deserve it.

Next you are asked to empty your pockets of things like your ex-spouse who betrayed you, your ex mother-in-law who made you feel unwelcome, your friend from 8^th grade that spread untrue rumors about you, the person who cut you off on the parkway, your boss who treated you disrespectfully.

You are then asked to take off any outer covering you’re wearing that represents the heavy weight you’ve been carrying as you’ve traveled through life with these resentments.

The security guard tells you that you must leave your “old baggage” behind; that you have to start this journey packing only hope, optimism and gratitude.

Next you need to go through the “MENTAL detector”.  This device scans your body and will be able to tell if you are still holding onto resentments in your heart, mind or soul.  You are told you’ll have to keep going to the back of the line until you leave your resentments in the bins and the mental detector senses forgiveness running throughout your body.

You have to return to the back of the line a few times, but you have finally released your resentments and have embraced forgiveness.  You are given your boarding pass.

You quickly look at the destination on the ticket.  It’s a destination that you’ve never been to but always hoped for the opportunity to visit.  You realize why you needed to pack lightly, why you needed to leave your resentments behind and why you needed to embrace forgiveness.  The destination on the ticket reads “FREEDOM”.

I once read that “Resentment is the poison I take, wishing the other person would die”.  I literally felt that saying in every cell of my body.  I knew it to be true in my own life.  The only way I would get to earn the ticket to freedom was to leave my old baggage behind, forgive old resentments and move forward with hope, optimism and gratitude.

• For one day or one week keep a tally of the time you take feeding on resentful thoughts and feelings.  What else could you be doing with that energy?

• When have you practiced a behavior that has caused someone else to be hurt?  How can you break the cycle?

• Forgiving ourselves can clear the path to forgiving others.  What have you not forgiven yourself for?

Author bio: Dawn Sinnott been a CPA for 22 years however her life experiences have empowered her to become a divorce recovery life coach.  The interesting thing about Dawn’s story is that she was recovering from her ex-husband’s addiction at the same time she was recovering from her divorce and was able to use the same Spiritual tools to recover from both difficult situations.  Dawn is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with anyone considering divorce, in the midst of divorce or post-divorce and asking “Now what?”  Her message is “If Marriage is a Spiritual Union of two people’s lives, why has divorce become only a Legal Separation?”  In Dawn’s experience the Spiritual Dissolution of her marriage was even more important than the legal dissolution.  The legal dissolution did not help her with the acceptance of my situation. It didn’t help her with fear of the unknown or the changes that were brought about by her divorce.  She believes that divorce can be a catalyst to live a more authentic life with new hope and possibilities; She knows this to be true in her own life and loves empowering people and helping them to see that they’re not alone.

Cathy,

I’m miserable and don’t know how to get unmiserable. My husband told me 8 months ago that he wanted a divorce. The marriage was not at its best but I had no idea the problems had reached the point of divorce. I was and still am devastated over this divorce. I love my husband and wanted my marriage to last.

I can’t seem to get over what has happened and move on. He hasn’t had any problem. He has a new girlfriend. Every time he uploads new photos of them to his Facebook page I have to see them. I even ran into them at the coffee house we used to go to on a regular basis. I can’t seem to get away from him! What can I do to put an end to his “in your face” behavior?

Amanda

Amanda,

First let me say how sorry I am about your situation. I’ve been there and know too well that feeling of misery. I think you may be playing a role in your own misery. You say that every  time he uploads photos of him and his new girlfriend you “have to see them.” Why do you have to see them?

Why are you still friends with him on Facebook? He broke up with you 8 months ago and I’m thinking it may be time for you to break up with him! He isn’t your friend so unfriend him on Facebook. That will keep you from “having” to see anything he does there.

I’m sure it is hard to let go of the curiosity, the desire to know what he is doing or to hang onto any small connection with him. The curiosity and need for a connection is keeping you stuck and feeding your misery. So, sign into facebook, and for your own sake delete him from your list of friends.

As for the coffee house, it may be time for you to find a new coffee house to visit. Stay away from places if you believe there is a chance you will run into him. The less you see of him and accept that the marriage is over, the sooner you will heal your pain. So, stop playing games, stop putting yourself in situations that only prolong how you are feeling. Put a no contact rule in place!

In the future:

• Do Not text him or respond to texts from him,
• Do Not call him or take calls from him,
• Do Not tweet, twitter or twat with him,
• Do Not go to places the two of you used to go,
• Do Not hook up with him, sex with a man who left you is a big NO NO,
• Do Not visit websites or forums you know he posts to,
• Do Not give into any curiosity you have about him,
• Do Not ask friends and family about him,
• Do Not let your need to have a connection with him cause you misery

Amanda, surround yourself with a good support system made up of friends and family. If need be get into therapy and talk your feelings through with someone trained to help you process what is happening.

Emotional pain can get in the way of us making positive choices for ourselves. Don’t let how you are feeling determine what you do. Behaviors driven by emotional pain come back to bite and cause regret. Letting go and moving on is not easy but doing so is in your best interest and right now you have to be the one concerned about what is in your best interest.

Want a Facebook distraction that will and promote healing? Check out YourTango.com’s “Break Up With Your Ex” campaign. Get involved and get over him!

Good luck!

Cathy

Submitted by: Shelley Stile

The clients who come to me for help in letting go and moving on after their divorce discover that acceptance, a mandatory step in divorce recovery, comes in two stages. First we work to be in acceptance of the end of our marriage and then we move on to accept what our life is now, in the present. This second step in the acceptance process seems to be the more difficult hurdle to overcome but it can be overcome successfully.

Accept the Fact that the Marriage is Over

Acceptance of the undeniable fact that our marriage is over must be fully integrated into our psyche for us to be able to create a new life. We need to look back over our marriage and see exactly where we have confused what actually happened with our own personal interpretation. All too often our interpretations of the events of our marriage are simply not true, not factual. Our deep hurts have a tendency to cloud our thinking and limit our perspective.

Be Honest with Yourself

Separating the facts from our biased interpretations will allow us to stop blaming our ex as well as ease our resentments. We also learn how to see that any marriage, no matter what may have occurred, is a product of two people, a mutual creation. Even if one of the partners was unfaithful or deceptive, we must begin to see our part in the collapse of our marriage because only when we can stop blaming and take responsibility for our part, do we take back our power and our ability to move forward. If we are honest with ourselves, we know where we could have done things differently.

Accept Your New Life

Now comes the even more challenging step in acceptance: acceptance of our new life. Once the fact that we are divorced sinks in, reality rears its so-called ugly head. We start to really understand what our life is now that we do not have a partner. All too often, we react with fear, anger and resentment.

Resentment of the Day-to-Day Responsibilities for the Children

There are many common issues that arise amongst my clients. The number one item seems to be the day-to-day responsibilities for the children. Why am I the one who has to handle everything and he gets to play with them every other weekend? I have to do it all: school, homework, discipline, doctors, dentists, conferences, carpooling, groceries, cooking, cleaning, you name it! Then Dad shows up once a week and every other weekend and it seems like its all fun and games. This is unfair.

The List goes on and on and on…

No more regular outings on Saturday nights. There is no one to share household maintenance. Your finances now are solely under your control and for many of us that seems daunting. No more extended family. The holidays loom before us and we are lost. Mutual friends fall by the wayside. Need I go on?

Finding your Hidden Reserve of Strength

This is where the real challenges arise and this is where we learn about our hidden reserves of strength and how much we have learned and grown from the entire experience. There is no doubt that it is hard and seemingly unfair. But guess what? That is the true nature of life. Life is not always a bowl of cherries, quite the opposite. Life is chaotic and there is constant change, oftentimes not to our liking. Life is not always fair. Life just is and we simply cannot control what life throws our way; we can only control how we choose to handle it. This is a fact of life that we must accept in the depths of our very being.

Make Choices

What to do? There are real choices in front of you. You can continue to fight against reality, a reality that you cannot change. You can resist what is for what you think should be and suffer immeasurably. You can remain rooted in your past, a past that no longer exists, and within that past you will continue to be in pain, blame and resentment. Just envision banging your head against a brick wall because that is exactly what you will be doing.

Either You Resist What is or You Accept this New Landscape

You can surrender to the flow of your life’s direction instead of swimming against the current. You can let go of all the things that keep you stuck and chained to your past. You can choose acceptance and with that choice, new possibilities will begin to open for you. You can choose to look for what might be right and what might be opportunities in this new world.

Focus on What is Important

Take for instance the overwhelming responsibilities you now have. Perhaps you are one of the women out there who work and have kids. As an aside, I know that in most cases, you had the bulk of the responsibility during your marriage so things are not that much different. But that being said, start to prioritize. The house is no longer going to be sparkling clean. The kids may have to learn to do their own laundry. There won`t  be home cooked meals every night and guess what? Everyone will still survive and thrive. What is really important? The love and closeness of this new family unit.

The Opportunities Abound although it Might Be Hard to See Them

I know that when I divorced my kids took on more responsibility around the house and they not only rose to the occasion but they are the better for it. I marvel at how they adjusted and simply went on with their lives. Mind you, my ex and I made a pact to get along and do whatever we had to for the kids benefit.

Our meals together were chances to bond. I learned to not sweat all the small stuff: I let go of my to do list and learned what was really important, which turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my divorce. Our vacations together were wonderful and I have phenomenal relationships with my kids. I found a new career. I discovered who my true friends are and have made many new ones. I discovered reservoirs of strength that I did not know existed.

Either Go with the Flow or Drown in Self-Pity

Of course, it isn’t a bed of roses but neither is life in general, no matter whether you are married or divorced. I could go on about all the things within this new life that I am still wrestling with but hey, I wrestled with life when I was married! Life changes and you either go with the flow or drown in self-pity. It remains a matter of choice. It may take years, tons of effort and struggle but anything worthwhile in life takes time and effort.

Your Perspective will Change your Reality

You must drop unrealistic expectations that life should be a certain way and go with the way that life is. You must learn to change your perspective, embrace what is and choose to look at what the possibilities and opportunities are in this new world of yours. Remember that your perspective will not only change the way you think but it will actually change your reality.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, ’should be’s . In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.

What exactly is an impossible expectation?

How about:

• I expect me ex to treat me with respect.
• I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement.
• I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior.
• I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce.
• I expect my ex to support me emotionally.
• I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.

Life rarely goes according to plan

Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That’s just a start. Life isn’t necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.

Let’s take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact

Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara’s impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying.

She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn’t manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.

The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic, virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.

Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectations she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.

Namely: Life Isn’t necessarily fair

Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn’t always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!

If you are using the phrase ‘should be’, then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be’s always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn’t lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn’t. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.

Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.

I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be’s. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.

Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations.

• What do you know to be true of life?
• Are there any guarantees?
• Is everything always a bowl of cherries?
• In other word, get real!

I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming,”But that isn’t fair!” Don’t be that child.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

POST-DIVORCE STRESS SYNDROME!!  This is the hardest part of divorce.  Figuring out the “What now?”  After all, you thought you had it all figured out, but then the child support check is always late, your ex doesn’t always take the kids on his or her weekends, and you are always left holding the bag.  You cry, you scream, you rail on the unfairness of being a single divorced parent and having to do it all.  But, isn’t this what you were singing about earlier that month?

What is Post-Divorce Stress Syndrome?  Well, it is a lot like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you can even compare it to Post-partum stress.  It’s the fall after the elation.  Is this a medical term?  I don’t think so.  It’s my term, and I will be used freely and often.  In fact, I encourage you to use it as well!

The papers have been signed, sealed and stamped by a Judge.  You are officially no longer a Mrs.  Your life seems to be ticking along nicely.  You have figured out this new sense of freedom…and then it happens.

The crash.

Or, post divorce stress syndrome.  You are alone.  You may be alone with kids, which just makes life ten times harder.  You start to worry if you can afford the house you so desperately had to have in the divorce.  The first set of bills comes in, and they are higher than you expected.  You are on call with your kids 24/7.  You have to cook, clean, drive the kids, make the lunches, do the laundry and work.  Your nails are ruined, your make up has run off, your credit cards start to add up, and your hair is stringy and greasy, because you can’t find time to take a shower.

Although Post Divorce Stress Syndrome might not be a real medical term, it is a real side affect of being divorced.  It involves stress, depression, trouble sleeping and lots of crying in the bathroom with the door locked.  How do you overcome it?

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

There is no quick fix for this.  It could involve counseling.  It could involve lots of bubble baths and me time.  It could involve taking long drives by yourself with your favorite CD playing in the background.  It could involve reading this blog and getting great tips and hints on how to overcome.

However you choose to master this syndrome, be assured it CAN be mastered and life WILL get better.

Are you suffering from Post Divorce Stress Syndrome?  What is the best way for you to deal with those stressful days when you think you just can’t do it anymore as a single person?

Bio:  Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Consultant and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles and founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life!

British law firms call the first Monday of the New Year, “D-Day.” In this case the D stands for divorce. We’re not aware of any similar survey of North American lawyers, so perhaps there is a spike in phone calls to law firms on this side of the “pond” at this time of year as well.

The poll, commissioned by a British legal website, surveyed the country’s top 100 divorce lawyers, and predicts that “inquiries about relationship difficulties following the Christmas and New Year period will be up by 40% this year over the same period in 2009.”

Apparently the first Monday of the year is when, back from a long and unhappy holiday break from busy careers, many couples set appointments with lawyers. Another suspected reason for the rush of Monday phone calls is the concern that if the call were made from home, children might over hear the conversation and most parents prefer to postpone as long as possible telling their children the unhappy news.

Indeed, some of this post holiday frustration, later brings its own share of remorse. The survey found that over 50% of the couples seeking a divorce as their own form of a New Year’s resolution, later regret having begun the process and or having obtained a divorce. And this brings us back to our point to always remember the love. Here’s how: 

Whether in the process of considering a divorce, or having obtained one; whether starting over in a new relationship or making one more attempt to heal a fractured relationship; be aware of the great importance of remembering all the love you once shared with your partner. When we deliberately take time to remember the special moments we shared together, we can most effectively heal the pain we carry in our hearts. If we choose to shut out those good memories then a big part of our hearts will remain closed, perhaps for the rest of our lives.

What are some of the key moments that you want to recollect? Well here are some that should help get you started. Once these suggested visualizations have helped you that, add some of your own that are unique to the moments the two of you shared. In general, special moments can be stirred by such events as your first meeting, or your first date. Try to remember the moments leading up to that first passionate kiss and the very first time you made love. Remember a time when you felt supported, a time when your partner was there for you in an unexpected way. Remember as well, shared good fortune. A great trip that you took, or an unexpected bonus or treat that you got to share together.

Finally, remember certain gifts of love that your partner brought into your life. Laughing together at your favorite movie, or sharing a special experience that gave you both a lot of pleasure.

Having taken the time to recreate these special memories, there are hopefully many that you will be able to revisit from your past. The sum total of these memories is not a message to reunite, or to hold a damaged relationship together. More importantly it’s a message that we give to ourselves that love can come into our lives at many different times. Perhaps that relationship is worth a greater effort on the part of both partners or perhaps it’s time to let it go. Whatever the answer remember again this simple rule: if we don’t remember the love that we shared the only one that we are truly cheating is ourselves. Love is a gift and that gift should always be honored for what it meant in the past and what it might mean for the future.

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter (author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus), so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Fourteen years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren.