Then – 3/2/2004

“Journal question – Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior?

I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  I need to keep repeating the 3 C’s to myself:

I didn’t cause it

I can’t control it

I can’t cure it

Journal question – How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I think I still have a hard time removing myself from the equation.  It’s hard to stop wondering why he’s in the mood he’s in and if it has to do with me;  stop worrying about how he’s behaving and look at myself to see how I’m behaving.  Am I being true to myself?  Am I letting someone else affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings?  It doesn’t mean that I do not have compassion for anyone; it should mean that I have no control over the good or bad that is going on with them.”

Now – 5/22/2011

It’s amazing how the universe sends you a message through various people and each time you ignore the message, someone else shows up to repeat it.  People had mentioned that I should go to Al-Anon and my answer was “He should be going to meetings, not me.  I don’t have a problem other than his problem.”  So I fought the idea, assumed that I was smart enough to figure this all out on my own and ignored every suggestion.  Then my therapist mentioned Al-Anon and my mother and a friend and……so eventually I went to my first meeting to shut everyone up.  7 years later I can say that the program saved my life.

Answering those questions in my journal was the beginning of learning to keep the focus on myself, the end of my role as a victim and the end of my belief that I could handle everything on my own.  If I was answering a question about what I believed or thought or felt, I wasn’t totally focused on him….ah ha!

I was slowly admitting to myself that my life had become unmanageable and I was willing to take a look at what worked for other people in similar situations.

Next week – Is it really a disease?

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

But last night I heard an even better definition of insanity…I saw the movie “Unknown” with Liam Neeson. (I know, I’m behind on my movies.)

At one point his character says, “Do you know what it feels like to be insane?  It’s like a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are.”

Bells went off in my head when I heard him say that!  For throughout my life, those are the times when I truly felt like the world was upside down, like I must be crazy, like nothing made sense, like I couldn’t convey myself clearly — the times when someone else tried to define me, label me, describe me, and it didn’t fit with my own knowing of who I am.

I’m sure at some time in your life, every one of you has had this experience — when your own sense of self ran smack dab into someone else’s idea of you…and the two ideas didn’t mesh.  You felt off kilter, like you woke up one day and found the sky was green — it felt like something was horribly wrong and you couldn’t right it.

For when you try to explain to the other person who you really are, they can’t hear you.  Why?  Well, because they have already formed their own (incorrect) picture of you, and (in most cases) are not able or willing to change it…even if it’s wrong.  It’s enough to make you feel crazy…and thus its appropriateness as a definition of insanity.

Experts say that we form a first impression within 10 seconds of meeting another person, and that it takes many more experiences with that person to alter a first impression.  In addition, our perception of others is affected by our own life experiences — in other words, the lens we look through is unique to us and will color what we see.  This explains why it can be so hard to get someone else to see you for who you really are.

And then if you add, on top of that, the fact that many people aren’t being themselves — meaning that they are not expressing their authentic self 24/7/365 in all situations — it’s no wonder we don’t feel truly seen or heard.  And this creates the sensation of a disconnect: between what someone tells us we are and who we know we are.

What we can learn from this is that it’s important to share who you really are, AND be prepared that others still may not see you accurately.  Know that if you are being real, then it’s not personal — it has to do with their lens and what they choose to see or not see, and that’s not something you can control or change.

And if you want to feel sane, hang around with people who really can see you as you are, and who appreciate you for who you are and for who you are becoming.  It’s amazing how great it feels to be with people who get you!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Parental alienation seems to be the rallying cry these days – for those divorcing or divorced. What is it, exactly? And why should we all be concerned about it?

Let me be clear. I’m not an attorney and I’m not a therapist. But I am a long-term single parent who has tried hard to say the right things at the right time, and to protect the feelings of my children – about both parents – during and after divorce. I haven’t always succeeded; there have been bad days when I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t. But there have been far more days when I’ve spoken kindly or held my tongue, acted fairly, and done what is best for my children.

Here is a definition of parental alienation that I pulled from Wiki:

“Parental alienation is a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce or separation, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent. The term does not apply in cases of actual child abuse, when the child rejects the abusing parent to protect themselves. Parental alienation is controversial in legal and mental health professions, both generally and in specific situations.[1] Terms related to parental alienation include child alienation, pathological alignments, visitation refusal, pathological alienation, the toxic parent and parental alienation syndrome[2] though the last term is a specific formulation of a medical syndrome proposed by psychiatrist Richard Gardner that is not well accepted.[3]”

To see how prevalent parental alienation has become in the divorce industry, we have only to look as far as the article on the fictionalized use of Parental Alienation Syndrome on the series Law and Order. For that matter, read the comments on almost any divorce-oriented site, and you will see frequent claims of parental alienation.

Parental alienation, as I understand it, is not a slip of the lip at the end of another frantic day.  Nor is it revealing factual information about the other parent when doing so is an absolute necessity, and not intended to manipulate the child or hurt the other adult.

Furthermore, parental alienation is not always intentional. This is exactly why we owe it to our children to be vigilant with our actions and our words – at all times.

Here’s my take on a real-world definition of parental alienation. You can decide for yourself whether or not you agree with my assessment.

• A negative remark made in despair or exhaustion? Not cool, but not parental alienation.
• Answering a child’s questions honestly and appropriately? Not parental alienation.
• Infrequent changes to visitation for legitimate reasons? Not parental alienation.
• Blocking visitation? Parental alienation.
• Blocking phone calls and emails? Parental alienation.
• Constantly berating the other parent? Parental alienation.
• Repeated manipulation of a child’s opinion of the other parent? Parental alienation.

There are times when children ask for explanations – the reasons behind divorce, not seeing the other parent as much as they would like, reasons for financial difficulties. I believe we should field these questions as diplomatically as possible, disclosing only what is necessary, when it is necessary – dispassionately, and gently.

That may mean explaining the financial realities of a divorced household and impacts on the child’s future, or positioning the facts to do with addiction or abuse. Certainly, we owe it to our children to make appropriate judgments about what we say, as well as when and how.

But in my opinion, telling the truth does not equate to parental alienation.

I’ve witnessed what I consider to be parental alienation, and it can be devastating. In one example, a good friend fought five years for shared custody of his children. He finally won his case, but the ex, who remained in state, moved far enough away to make it logistically impossible for him to exercise his custodial rights and still keep his job. Without the job, he couldn’t pay child support, not to mention his own rent.

This father is left with occasional phone calls and visits, and the hope that when his sons are older they will understand that he did everything he could for as long as he could. And his children? What are they left with?

It is because of these unconscionable scenarios that I say enough to the automatic and frivolous outcry – largely from men – that women are poisoning their children against them. Calling any negative remark “parental alienation” does a disservice to those men and women fighting situations like the one I just described.

There is no all-inclusive handbook to post-divorce parenting, and none of us is a perfect parent – whatever our marital status. But we need to watch our tongues and our actions because our children are watching us, as models for adult behavior. Aren’t we capable of better than sticking it to the other parent by using the kids? Couldn’t we love our children in ways that are constructive and unselfish? Is it really so difficult to act responsibly, be fair in our dealings, and live up to the privilege of parenthood – honorably?

© D. A. Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

Question:

Dear Shelley,

A few years ago I found out my husband was talking to women online, meeting up with them in hotel rooms at night, and getting drunk. I have been a very good mom and wife and have tried to live a Christian life in spite of him lying to our children and his secretive plans to divorce me and avoid paying child support.

Our divorce has been final for four months now and I can’t understand why my children keep running to him after what he did to all of us.  If it had been me who’d met up with men, etc…I guarantee that  they wouldn’t even speak to me again! I think it’s because he has made our children believe their mom is “crazy”.   He knew I wouldn’t tell them of his goings-on and he took full advantage of that. And yet, when their backs were turned, he would pretend he had a weapon in his hand, give me a scary look, and act like he was going to kill me. Then he would immediately turn it off and act like a “normal” father.

It’s so frustrating that my kids still don’t ‘get it.’  How should I handle this with them? My mistake is that I was not more vocal and I guess it was because I was scared of him.

Thank you.

Caron

Answer:

Dear Caron,

Love your children more than you resent your ex.  Kids love their parents and although you don’t think it is fair that they cannot see the truth about him, they really don’t need to see that at this point in their lives.  Kids need to feel loved and supported and we have to let go of our negative feelings regarding our ex when it comes to our kids.

Notice that you might not have ever stood up to him over the course of your marriage, that you were scared of him. If that is true, what can you do now to address that issue? Set boundaries that keep you safe and secure.  Decide on what you will accept and won’t accept as it pertains to his behavior towards you.  If he mistreats you whenever he is around then set specific limits to your exposure to him. If he upsets when you talk to him, don’t talk to him directly unless it is absolutely necessary.  Let him know that you will not accept certain behaviors anymore.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Question:

My wife and I have separated.  I don’t understand why I’m finding it so difficult to let go of the marriage cause she was both physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  Why do I keep making excuses for her?  Why do I blame myself for that abuse? 

I have met someone really special who treats me well and loves me for who I am yet I find myself shutting her out most of the time and yearning to go back to my wife. I feel anxious a lot, maybe even depressed, but I don’t know what it means to feel normal anymore.  I want to feel like I’ve made the right decisions, but I doubt myself.  My logical mind tells me that even though there were good times in our marriage, there were also very, very bad ones –  abusive words and physical abuse.  But those episodes didn’t happen everyday…

I stayed in this marriage for 12 years and we had no kids together. I probably stayed because I was never a quitter and maybe also because my mom kind of disowned me when I married her – I guess I needed to prove her wrong.

Could it be that because I left my country and embraced hers and accepted it and tried my best to fit in to her world and her culture that now I find myself so lost and in need of her? Please help me cause I think everything is spiralling out of control.

Thank you,

Kam

Answer:

Dear Kam,

There is so much more going on here besides a separation/divorce.  There are issues of self-esteem and victimhood.   A simple e-mail response from  me will not change who you are and how you feel about yourself but perhaps we can open some doors.

What do you want the rest of your life to look like?  What will make you fulfilled, content and whole?  Who do  you want to be as a human being?  How do you want others to see you?

Has your marriage worked for you? If you went back to your wife would things be different?  Are you thinking of going back because of other issues such as your feeling of being misplaced in this culture or your parents?

These are questions you need to be asking yourself.  This is critical time for you to do some inner assessment so that you can let go of the things that do not serve you.    Inner work before outer transformation.

When you choose, ask yourself: Is this choice about my long term goal or instant gratification? Will this choice move me forward or keep me stuck in the past?  Will this choice honor me or disrespect me? Will this choice empower me or disempower me?  Harm me or serve me?

Get support in either the form of a therapist or a coach. Do the work now so your future is better then your past.

Shelley

Question:

Dear Shelley:

I got divorced on September 11, 2009.   I allowed this man to verbally abuse me throughout our marriage.  Moreover, he didn’t even talk to my daughter and grandchildren for 10 years.  I couldn’t wash his clothes good enough, wash dishes good enough, nor cook right.  I found out too late he treated his first wife the same and she stayed with him for 23 years – perhaps because of their two kids, I don’t know.  I told my ex-husband his body grew old but his mind never grew up.

I’m dealing with trying to forgive myself for putting me and my family through such hell.  I still have flashbacks and they hurt so badly – it’s as if I’m still trapped.  What do I do?

Dana

Answer:

Dear Dana:

When we work towards forgiveness, we need to understand that it is the limitations and wounds of the person that we are forgiving and NOT the bad behavior.  We are all human and no one is perfect, far from it.  Some people carry emotional baggage that limits their ability to be their best.  You did the best you could at the time with the resources you had and now you have the chance to learn from this experience and do better for yourself and your family in the future.  Forgiveness gives you freedom from the pain.

Use this experience to reassess who you are and what you want your life to look like from this point forward.  There is much wisdom and life lessons to be gleaned from this divorce so don’t waste this experience.  Use it to grow and evolve. 

You will want to look into the whys behind your allowing him to abuse you for so long. That’s the emotion al baggage you carry.  You want to figure out why because you do not want to repeat this behavior in the future.

What is all this negative mind chatter and beating yourself up costing you?  Is that a price you wan to pay?  Choose to let go and move on.  Know that you cannot change the past or know the future.  

Best to you,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Every first step begins with a plan. If you’ve spent time in an abusive relationship getting out means planning for your escape; where you will live, your financial future. While putting your plan together follow the rules below. Keep yourself safe until you can get out of the relationship for good.

1. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you sense you are about to be abused or receive violent treatment. You should avoid rooms that have no exits such as a bathroom or basement and rooms where weapons may be found such as the kitchen.
2. Have a list of people that you consider to be “safe” contacts so you will have someone you can call or go to for help.
3. Always have change with you in case you are stranded and need to make a phone call.Make a list of important phone numbers and memorize them.
4. Create a secret word or sign that you can use so that your family, friends or co-workers will know you need them to call for help.
5. Plan what you will say to your partner if they become abusive or violent.
6. Always remember that you are entitled to live without fear and violence.

Now it is time to set your plan in action. You have to have somewhere to go, a way to support yourself so that your new life gets off to a secure proper beginning. Below are things you need to have in place in order to move on and rebuild your life.

• Leave: You need somewhere to go. If you can’t afford a place of your own find a friend or family member who will allow you to stay with them until you are able to get a place of your own. Or use the legal system to have him removed from the home.You can do this by filing for divorce and petitioning the court for exclusive rights to the marital home. The danger with this strategy is that he will know where you are. You are safer leaving and finding safe harbor with a friend or relative.
• Bank Account: You are going to need an account in your name only. If you’ve been planning correctly you will have this set up with a bit of money in it before you leave. DO NOT set up a new account in the same bank you have a joint account with him. Find a new bank, close to the location you will be living.
• Money: You’re going to need this too. Where can you get it from? All kinds of places; if you work have some of your salary sent to your new bank account. What if he is a financial control freak? All is not lost; collect change from his pockets, save some of the grocery money, do anything you can do and save up. When you are ready to go, don’t throw your wedding ring at him, pawn it! Don’t burn your wedding dress, sell it!

Sell/pawn anything you can get your hands on before you go. Right before you leave (like a few days before) see if you can cash in any mutual funds/savings accounts/CD’s or anything else you jointly own. This is a risky business, so only do it if you are sure he won’t find out until you are gone. Call the financial institution and inquire about redemption procedures, it may be easier than you think.

• Legal help: Yes, you are going to need an attorney. If you haven’t done it already, now would be a good time to go to your local women’s crisis center for information. They will know the law in your State and will be able to help you find legal aid services, offer counseling and assistance with housing, protection orders, child custody, divorce, etc…

Now that you are out or, he is out there are steps you need to take to protect yourself and your new life.

1. If you’re still in the home you shared with your husband change every door lock even if the door was not in use. Your husband may have a key and you don’t want him to be able to get in. Be sure all of the windows are locked.
2. Be sure you change your phone number if you’re still in the home you shared with him. Change it even if you have moved to a new location. Get an unlisted number and do not give it out to anyone you’re not sure you can trust.
3. Get an answering machine so that you can screen your phone calls.
4. Document and keep the records of all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving him in a safe place. You may need those records when contacting support programs for help. You will definitely need those records when seeking legal assistance.
5. If you are confronted by your husband be sure you have an escape plan ready and be prepared to use it.
6. Make sure all meetings with husband are held in a public place. Never agree to a private meeting even if he is being nice to you.
7. Do not follow the same routine every day. Take different routes to and from your home or place of work. Shop at different times and in different locations. Don’t have lunch or dinner in the same place every day.
8. If you have children in school alert them to your situation. Put a plan in place with the school so they will know what to do if trouble arises.
9. Talk to your boss, tell him/her about your situation and make plans in case your husband harasses you at work or shows up. Alert your co-workers and business contacts too.
10. Do your best to avoid being home alone. Don’t go to isolated areas.

I hope you understand the importance of having both a short and long-term plan when attempting to leave an abusive husband. Start making your plans now so that you can get out and stay out either today or down the road. If you don’t, you may well end up dead. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Physical abuse leaves behind bruises and broken bones, while emotional abuse kills the self esteem of the victim. Physical abuse is a situation where the husband beats the wife for little or no reason. Are you subjected to any of the below signs of physical abuse?

• Pushes, grabs or shoves you
• Slaps you
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Chokes you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Burns you
• Bites you
• Ties you up
• Forces you to share needles with others
• Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
• Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
• Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
• Throws objects
• Destroys property or your possessions
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
• Abuses you while you are pregnant
• Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy

If you are in a physically abusive relationship feelings of guilt or fear may prevent you from getting help. But it is important for you to seek help and continue to get help for yourself as long as you need it. Please call the National Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse: Your spouse…

• Frequently blames or criticizes you
• Calls you names
• Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
• Blames you for “causing” the abuse
• Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
• Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
• Isolates you from your family and friends
• Abuses animals
• Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
• Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
• Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
• Humiliates you
• Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
• Makes contradictory demands
• Does not include you in important decisions
• Does not allow you to sleep
• Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
• Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
• Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
• Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
• Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
• Threatens to commit suicide
• Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
• Minimizes or denies being abusive
• Abuses your children
• Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
• Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
• Uses phrases like “I’ll show you who is boss,” or ”I’ll put you in line”
• Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
• Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).