Question:

Dear Shelley,

I’ve been divorced for a year and on my own for two, after 16 years of marriage.  I am afraid to leave my ’safe harbor’ of my circle of family.  I continue to work at my father’s  place of employment because it is familiar and comfortable – but it barely provides enough for me financially. Reality dictates that I start thinking of how I am going to make it financially for I have a child to support.  But I fear cannot trust anyone outside my family.  I’ve had guys ask me out, but I’m too stuck trying to hold the ground I’ve got, to call them back.  I have a few friends, but feel I have to put a hero’s face on in front of them.  Is it normal to feel so overwhelmed?  Will the fears ever go away?

Shawna

Answer:

Dear Shawna,

Yes, it is all part of the process BUT it is up to you and you alone to move on in your life. You have to begin the process of taking on full responsibility for your life and your future because I promise you that no one else will do it for you.

Start taking small steps forward.  Make plans to have dinner out or a movie or whatever a couple of times a week.  Join a divorce support group where there are people who actually understand what you are feeling.  Our married friends simply cannot get it.  In order to function at your max, make certain that you are exercising to combat the effects of stress.  Try a yoga class too.  Use deep breathing techniques to quiet your mind and get yourself centered.

The question you should be asking yourself is this: What will my life look like if I never trust again?  Is that a price you are willing to pay? Just because one person has betrayed your trust does not mean that everyone will.

We fear the uncertainty of our future but no one can predict the future.  99.9% of our fears never materialize. It’s all mind chatter.  Mind chatter lies and is self-sabotaging.  Notice your m ind chatter and thank it for sharing and let it go.  If we cannot know the future there is little to be afraid of.

Try substituting fear for faith that everything will work out in your nest interests.  Perhaps this divorce has some hidden gifts that you cannot see right now.  You will access strength that you never knew you had.  You will learn valuable life lessons that will allow you to craft a new and better life.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Other Articles:

The Emotional Stages of Divorce Recovery:  How Will You Manage Yours?

Important Considerations: What Would Happen To Your Kids IF…?

Self-Help: Helpful To Some, Offensive To Others

Three weeks ago,unknown and unsigned singer Christina Perri was working as a waitress in a Philadelphia cafe.  But by chance – or perhaps grand design  - a song she wrote called Jar of Hearts,  landed in the hands of  Stacey Tookey, a choreographer for So You Think You Can Dance.  Virtually overnight, Christina’s life has become a whirlwind of incredible change as record labels race to sign her and Jar of Hearts climbs into the top 5 on I-Tunes.

So what’s so special about Christina’s song?  One word:  everything.  The lyrics, the melody, and her raspy voice are beautifully haunting.  There’s no denying the ‘rawness’ too - Christina wrote it only six months ago to help cleanse herself of a man who dumped her, then suddenly decided he wanted her “one more time.”   

And so I’m sharing it with you today – for it speaks to all of us who feel “half-alive”, who have loved and lost, and who struggle to be courageous in the face of relationships that are no good for us.  

Here she is, live, in a recording studio.  I like this version even more.

Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

May There Be Angels Beneath The Support Beams of my Life

Turning The Kids Against The Ex

When An Ex Won’t Let Go

Tailor Summer Vacation to Meet Your Children’s Needs

Hello Summer: Summertime is here, and with it comes unique hurdles and real opportunities for families of divorce. Parents who are early on in the divorce process need to think carefully about their plans and tailor them for their children. What we want is fun for all.

The first summer after a separation is challenging for all involved–especially the children. As the season opens, and school schedules change, kids are often left with more downtime to spend with their respective parents. Vacations pose an additional need for adjustments for you, your estranged spouse, and your children. In keeping with the mantra of The Intelligent Divorce: your children must always come first. Make sure that they don’t get stuck, yet again, right in the middle of their parent’s issues.

Let’s start with the positive:

Vacation is meant to be a time for bonding and fun. For the non-custodial parent, it is a time to strengthen the parent-child bond, to connect in a deep way, and to make new and wonderful memories.

For the custodial parent, vacation is a time when you don’t have to check homework and you can be more relaxed and flexible on bedtime. It gives you a chance to enjoy your kids with less worry and fuss.

Timing:

When planning a vacation, it is important to consider how much time has passed since the divorce. If recent, then a vacation–even just a week or two–is a long time for kids to be away from their other parent. Be prepared to manage your children’s homesickness and/or separation anxiety, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent.

Decide in advance when and how often your children can touch base with their mom or dad. If you are the parent of youngsters, you may need to be extra sensitive. A two-week vacation may be too much for your six-year-old, if up until this point she has not been away from her mother for more than three days. Do not feel rejected; your children are moving through the stages of grief at their own speed.

Location:

We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back to certain places again and again. Forewarned is forearmed: traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids when the family was intact, which will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce.

I advise you start fresh with an unvisited place, one where new memories can be made, and old, fond memories needn’t risk being tainted.

Preparation:

There are several things you can do to make the family vacation more stress-free, most of which center around the important idea of effective communication with your ex. Make it a point to arrange your children’s schedule together with your ex, in order to avoid unpleasant surprises and fights over your kids’ time.

Co-planning will lessen the awkward and unnecessary issue of one parent inadvertently (or otherwise) scheduling a vacation that interferes with a child’s routine. This includes the end or beginning of the school year, other summer activities, or an important time for the ex-spouses, like Mom’s birthday or Father’s Day.

Above all else, remember: vacation is not a competition with your ex to see who is the ‘better’ parent. It’s a good idea to plan fun activities with your children, but don’t over-do it. Your vacation should be a chance for you and your kids to enjoy quality time together.

Introducing your “new friend”:

Have you ever seen The Parent Trap (or any number of other movies) where the divorced parent brings a new girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation, against the wishes of his or her kids? In the movies, it is a plot device introduced to wreak havoc and chaos–which it almost certainly will in real life, too.

Avoid making this common mistake by resisting the temptation to bring along your new flame. Especially after a recent divorce, your kids will not be ready. They may well resent the fact that this ‘new person’ is coming on the family vacation.

Don’t put them in a position where they may feel disloyal to their other parent, or where they feel forced into the acceptance of the finality of their parent’s divorce before they are organically ready. You need to wait until some time has passed. I recommend one calendar year at minimum.

We know the summer months and family vacations can be stressful times, but they can also be fun times, the backdrop for new memories and new family traditions.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children. Order your copy today!

More Aritlces:

Shielding the Kids From The Conflict of Divorce

The Fake Smiles We Give Our Kids – Are We Fooling Them?

Worries Of A Divorced Parent: Am I Doing ‘Enough’?

Question:

Dear Shelley,

How do I stop the constant flashbacks?  Flashbacks include him being with 2 girlfriends and extreme emotional abuse.  I’m in therapy, but would like your input.

Cathy

Answer:

Dear Cathy,

How do u feel when your mind chatter speaks up? Bad. Your mind chatter is your wounded ego and it is not you. It is your pain speaking and of course it is negative. Just be on guard and notice it…then choose to not listen. It is your self saboteur. It is either you controlling you or your mind chatter.

Also, your ex’s cheating and abuse do not have to mean anything about you. It does not have to mean you are a failure or less than. We create meanings about ourselves due to our pain. All you want to do is notice where you might have been responsible (perhaps by allowing him to abuse you) and learn from it so you do not allow it to happen again. To heal old emotional baggage. To come out of this a more whole person.

Sincerely,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Other Articles:

Warning: I’m a little scattered today…

I need to ask you something.  Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here.  So here goes:  Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this?  Truly, am I too stupid to get it?   Is it ME?”

Cause I have; or rather I am. 

I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person.  So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective.  I ignore his condescending remarks.  I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic.  I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..

But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in.  And I sit there wracking my brain:  Am I not saying this clearly enough?  Does his perspective overrule my own?  Then, in exasperation:  How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL?

Oh, I know I’m being vague here…but legally, I can’t share the details of my situation.  Nor do I want to in fear that I’ll sound like my goal is to trash my ex – cause it isn’t.

I’m just frustrated.  And rather sad.  Cause I put so much effort into understanding him, his perspective, his circumstances…whereas it seems he doesn’t even try to do the same. I feel his anger.  I hear his resentment.  And it kills me that I can’t figure out to how to build a bridge between us.  We’re both decent, smart people, after all – why can’t we communicate like adults?

Do you feel like this when you try to communicate with your ex?  How do you handle it?  My ex and I can’t resolve issues through our own discussions.  Mediation sessions, though a fantastic option for many people, go nowhere for us.  The only recourse is legal action.  And I have trouble accepting the fact I have to pour tens of thousands of dollars into getting decisions made that will leave us both unhappy in some ways AND create more tension between us.  It all just seems like such a waste…

And so I wonder, ”Is it me?”  Do I give myself more credit than I deserve?  Am I a lot less empathetic and more selfish than I realize?  A downward spiral of self-attacking thoughts gather impetus; I’ve always been good at self-deprecation….

But friends and family prop me back up on my feet.   They say that if I don’t properly deal with our serious issues now, I’ll be doing so for the rest of my life.  And you know what I think of their support and kind words?  Though I love and appreciate them for it, I also wonder, what if they’re wrong?  What if they’re perception of my perception on things is wrong or one-sided?  (Chuckling) It appears I have enough self-doubt to go around.

And so I must listen to my heart.  And it reminds me that as a full-time single mother of three carrying enormous responsibilities, I have to do what is best for my children and myself.  My position, my opinions and my feelings ARE real.  They DO have merit, they ARE very important and in need of resolution.  I’m not motivated but some ego-driven need to be ‘right’.   I don’t need to be declared The Winner.  I just want things to be fair.  I want us to treat each other with respect and maturity.  I want us to successfully co-parent as we move forward in our individual lives…

But right now, I fear that by even hoping for these things, I’m setting myself up for another fall. 

Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands

‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life?  Or Sacrifices?

Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’

My divorce caught me off guard. I had no time to plan my emotional response and being the planner I am I found that a bit disconcerting. Actually I was highly pissed. Want to set my world a twirl? Pull the rug out from under it!

I had studied Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in college. I knew of the Five Stages of Grief…no surprise that it took a woman to figure out that there were stages. The problem was, I had studied them, knew them but had not planned on applying them to real life…not at that time anyway.

There is Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What I didn’t learn in college is, one doesn’t move smoothly from one stage to the other. There was no beginning, middle or end for each stage and most stages I visited several times.

So, while attempting to manage your emotional recovery, give yourself a break. You will move through recovery at your own pace, angry one week, in denial the next. You will come to the point of acceptance though, hopefully sooner than later.

The Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

This was my favorite. Nothing like moving through a storm and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyches way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

Denial is a useful coping mechanism, as long as it doesn’t keep you from progressing onto the next stage. Use this stage to your benefit but don’t abuse it. After a while refusing to face reality becomes a very unattractive trait.

Anger:

This stage I visited often. Seriously, when your world is falling down around you who better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex husband? If the car battery died, guess who I blamed? If it rained on a day I had planned to go the beach, it was his fault. I had no role in any adversity that came my way!

During the anger phase he became the worst lover I had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp…my anger did a number on him and his character.

My advice about the Anger Stage? Have at it! As long as there are no little ears to hear your disparaging and insulting remarks about your ex feel free to let out all the pent up anger you stuffed during the Denial Stage.

Bargaining:

In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “oh dear, I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with him, turn myself inside if need be but I can’t go through this.”

It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life but it was a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now.

During this stage my ex was the best lover I had ever had. I missed his beautiful face and his manly demeanor. He was God’s gift and I wanted him back. Thankful for me I moved quite swiftly through the Bargaining Stage.

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce. If you are the leaver, it is during this stage that you will either realize you’ve made the right decision or a mistake.

If you are the leavee this is the stage where you will begin to pursue your husband. You want him back at all costs to you and your self-esteem. The thing to remember is; he will also go through the Bargaining Stage. If he has made a mistake he will realize it and undo that which he has set in motion.

So save yourself esteem, don’t pursue because if he wants to come home he will do it on his own steam.

Depression:

You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of thi stage. Sadness, debilitating sadness becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we all expect. We know that depression is going to hit, what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief.

You may not bathe for three days during the Denial Stage. Hair care takes a back seat during the Anger Stage, so much so that you begin to look like Hagalina Magalina.

You’re a smart cookie though and have surrounded yourself with a good support system. You’ve gotten into therapy and counseling because the support of girlfriends goes a long way but there is no substitute for expert advice during the depression that accompanies divorce.

Cry it out and talk, talk, talk to someone who is trained to help you eliminate those toxic emotions.

Acceptance:

You’ll love this stage. When it hits you’ll throw your head back and laugh. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through adversity and learned from it. Full steam ahead!

Be warned though, acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage.

You’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation though. You may always have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage BUT it is regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in the grief…if lucky you are no longer grieving. If there are still feelings of grief they are at least no longer holding you back from living life.

More Articles:

Divorce Recovery: Beware Expectations

How to Handle Your Emotions During Divorce

When an Ex Won’t Let Go

Recently, I sat with my emotionally devastated friend Maddie who had just discovered her husband was having an affair.   Why?  When?  How?  Now what?  her brain raced to answer, as she felt her family dream falling to the ground in slow motion.

But it didn’t take long for her to start doing what most of us women do when affairs are exposed: she wondered, Is she prettier than me?  Skinnier?  Sexier? What does she have that I obviously don’t ?

As I sat comforting my friend, I totally understood her looking glass; for when I found out about my ex-husband’s infidelities, I did the same thing: compared myself to his mistress.  And when I saw his lover with my own two eyes, I was shocked at how different-looking she was to me:  volumptuous, dark-eyed and complexioned, with a style of dress that I thought spelled ’skank.’  Nonetheless, I could literally feel myself deflate – her beauty, charisma, and inviting curves far superseded mine…

Ladies, we’re only only human so it’s natural for us, in any kind of love triangle, to compare ourselves physically to the ‘competition.’  Why wouldn’t we when our society has well taught us that so much of our worth correlates to our beauty/thinness/youthfulness?

But I’m here to remind you of a couple of important things – points that perhaps a girlfriend or two have said to you but you couldn’t take in.  Cause getting caught up in the ‘comparisons’ is self-defeating and destructive.  And I don’t want to see you stuck there indefinitely.

1)  His affair is not about YOU lacking anything – beauty, smarts, perky boobs, whatever.  He’s the one lacking.  Too often us women’s tendency is to point the finger back at ourselves and blame/find flaws in ourselves when an affair is exposed.  No matter how physically imperfect you may deem yourself to be, no matter how many ways you see yourself as the Imperfect Wife, he and he alone chose to have the affair.  Don’t take responsibility for his lack of integrity nor his inability to communicate his ‘unhappiness.’  His affair was HIS choice.

2)  Whether your husband chose a younger ’knockout’ to play with, or if she’s overweight, plain-looking, and truly nothing extraordinary, her looks are not what threw him or kept him in her bed – it’s the high of some ‘feeling’ he wanted to feel.  Maybe it was to feel like a stud, to feel younger, to have a thrill, to feel the rush of seek and conquer, who knows.  (There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know the ‘why’ cause he’s dreadfully un-self-aware and swept away in lust).   My point is that his affair is NOT about her being superbly incredible whereas you are not, it’s about him filling a void inside himself.

3)  Further to point #2: Whatever this ‘feeling’ is that your husband has when he’s with her (he may even mistake it for love), there’s a good chance it will burn out… and so will their relationship.

I have three close girlfriends whose husbands left them for other women – all men claimed their mistresses were “soul mates.”  Every single one of theses relationships eventually ended and for one main reason: the ‘feeling’ died.  Why wouldn’t it?  No more adrenaline rush of sneaking around…she gets sick of picking up after him…he realizes she doesn’t want to have sex three times a night like before…You get the picture: it’s reality.

But hold on – before you start thinking this means you should sit back and wait for him to come to his senses, let me add – all these men went on to cheat again.  Unless your husband is a strong man, the kind who knows how to do the inner work infidelity requires of a perpetrator, he most probably won’t change; he’ll replace 

So please, please, please, don’t lie in bed at night putting yourself down, thinking you deserved to have been betrayed cause you didn’t measure up to ‘her.’ Seriously, think about this – even the smartest, most successful and beautiful women in the world get cheated on (Sandra Bullock immediately comes to mind).  So don’t allow yourself to get sidetracked or obsessed with the other woman – now is the time to surround yourself with the support system you need – and assess the value of the number one culprit in the drama: your husband.

Other Articles:

Unusual Bedroom Behavior: Signs A Spouse Might Be Cheating

You Can’t Rush Your Learning – Even When You’re Convinced You’re Ready

Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool

Question:

Dear Shelley:

My husband of 30 years wants a divorce.  He arrived at this decision after he had an affair and I decided I wanted to separate to take time to heal.  During that time he was also placed on lithium and anti-depression meds.

He recently went off the meds and began attacking me via the legal system and our joint businesses.  He has become very mean.

I know he loves me but I believe this is partially about money, control, manipulation and a mid life crisis.  Sometimes I think he might eventually want to come back……

1) How do I let go when I have to deal with him everyday for work? And,

2) How can I keep him from hurting me?  I can NOT walk away from the business if I ever want to see my investment.

Cara

Answer:

Dear Cara,

The question becomes, do you want to let go?  You say you know he loves you and yet you also mention that he had an affair, is very mean and is attacking you via the legal system.  What is wrong with this picture?

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

 

 

Other Articles:

The Value of a Smart, Knowledgeable, No BS Girlfriend During Divorce

Choices?  Or Sacrifices?

“I Grew Balls” – How One Woman Confronted The ‘Other Woman” To Find The Truth

Are Your Children Doing Without?

Every parent knows firsthand, the expense of raising a child in this day and age. What most divorced parents don’t realize is that child support agreements can be modified if there is a significant change of circumstance.

Katy and Joe have been divorced for 5 years. At the time of their divorce their children were ages 5 and 8. Katy was awarded child support based on her and Joe’s income according to state child support guidelines. Enough money at the time of the divorce for Katy to be able to comfortable provide for the children.

Five years later the children are 8 and 13 and the cost of raising them is considerably more. On top of the extra expense Katy had to take a pay cut at work while Joe has continued to advance in his career and is making substantially more money than at the time of the divorce.

Katy expressed to Joe on more than one occasion that she was having a hard time financially and needed an increase in child support. Joe’s response has always been, “so, sue me.”

And sue him is exactly what Katy did. She hired an attorney, filed a petition for modification of child support with the Family Court and now Joe is paying double the child support he was paying.

If you are in Katy’s position don’t be afraid to hire an attorney and hold the father of your children responsible. If you can’t afford an attorney a petition for modification of child support can be filed Pro Se. It is a simple matter of doing some research online, finding out from your local court clerk any non-legal information you need and filing the paperwork. Get it done!

More Articles:

Running on Empty: How to Beat Single Mom Burn-Out

What Kind of Man Wants “Serious” With a Single Mom?

The Single Parent Perspective: A Unique Perspective From a Single Mom

Mistakes Made When Dividing Marital Assets

Dividing marital assets during divorce can be one of the most challenging and convoluted aspects of your divorce. It isn’t as simple as “I want the car, you keep the house.”  Few people take into consideration the cash value of an “asset” and in the end, end up with a liability instead of something of value.

For example:

Carrie and Ed are getting a divorce, they are both age 54. They have two assets to divide, a money market account valued at $120,000 and a 401K valued at $120,000. Carrie has been out of the work force for a few decades and is interested in the 401K fund believing that it will mean more security at the time of her retirement.

Their divorce is finalized, Carrie gets the 401K and Ed gets the money market account. Eighteen months later Carrie decides she wants to buy a home.  Carrie plans to use money from the 401K as a down payment on her new home.

The problem?  There is a penalty for early withdrawal from the retirement plan.  Any withdrawal she makes will impact the principal Carrie was counting on at age of retirement.

Ed and Carried walked away from the marriage with assets that were valued the same BUT the money from Ed’s asset can be used without penalty or loss of principal. Meaning his asset, in the long run was more valuable than the asset Carrie chose.

Something Carrie and her attorney should have taken into consideration when splitting marital assets such as money market accounts and retirement funds.

More Articles:

The Financial Impact of Divorce: There is More to it Than Splitting Assets

Assistance for Low Income Single Moms

Will Your Career Survive After Divorce

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