In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

As mothers we find it hard to let our children leave our home bound for a place where the welfare, rules, and lifestyles are questionable–if not completely opposite of how we would have it in our homes. When it is a friend’s house, we can easily control the time our child is allowed there and anytime it becomes increasing uncomfortable for us we can go and get them. However, when the home in question is that of your child’s other biological parent, your control of the situation goes right out the door with your child.

A while ago I wrote a piece on Parallel Parenting and how the discovery of this term freed me from the ridicule and the constant berating that went along with being told I had to “Co-Parent.” Many of you have made comments and observations on the topic–some agreeing and some disagreeing. Mainly I had questions asking my advice regarding how to deal with specific situations. Interestingly, among these questions I found there to be a common theme–how do I control the behavior of my children in my ex’s home?

As the questions rolled in, I felt the need to answer each question as it related to the individual and their specific circumstances. However, over time I have decided that with so much concern over the same basic issue that this would be a great topic to discuss on its own–thus today’s post.

Let me start by saying that every situation is different and when you are caught up in the moment of it, your problem feels as if it is bigger and more difficult than anything anyone else may have experienced. As with everything else in life, you have to gather your information, research your options and do what is best for YOU. I can share my opinions and thoughts and maybe give you a little food for thought, but you have to live your life, I don’t.

Parallel parenting begins with detaching yourself from your ex when you realize that co-parenting is not working. With detachment comes a freedom but also a horrifying realization that you no longer have any control over what happens to your children when they are not in your care.  Horrifying not in the sense of “OMG my child is going to be killed” but horrifying in way you feel completely out of control. Ironically whether you decide to co-parent or parallel parent with your ex, you can only control what you can control–meaning when your children are with you in your home, you can control what is happening. When they are in their other parents home, you may agree or disagree with what is happening but you have no control over it. Like it or not, that control now belongs to the other parent.

Just because you are the “biological” parent does not give you an ounce of right to speak into the other parents home, rules, lifestyle, decisions–you are divorced and now you have no right to speak into their lives, even in regards to your children.

I know this is so much easier said than done. When it comes to our children we want to protect them from every evil, ugly, bad thing out there. Sadly when it comes to divorces and joint custody or even just visitation, your ability to control and protect them from everything you do not like has been replaced with half-time/part-time control. Even when you can’t stand their other parent and hate all of or just some of the things that happen when you child is when you, you cannot change or control that situation. You can only control your time.

Like it or not, they have another parent. And more likely than not, that parent is very different from you. Most likely they are not going to do things in the same manner or handle things the same way you would–you are after all divorced. So with that in mind, unless they are physically abusing your child or there is something so extreme happening (like the ex is strung out on drugs or passed out drunk all of the time) there is nothing you can do about the other issues that are taking place. Judges see so many truly awful situations with children where they are being beat and abused that yours and my concerns over actions, words, misleading, sharing, whatever it may be, is so minor in the scope of life that we are just instructed to parent the way we choose on our time. I know it seems extreme and unfair at times but it is reality. I have spent this past year helping out a good friend who is a family law attorney and you cannot imagine the amount of things I have seen. My eyes have been opened. The things in the past that I thought were such big issues pale in comparison to many of the truly sick and disgusting things I have witnessed in the family court system. These judges are faced with incredibly horrid situations with families and kids everyday–no wonder they don’t have time for our “major” issues.

For me, accepting my loss of control over my children’s lives when not in my care was really hard to grasp at first–they are after all my children. I wanted to be able to tell my ex when they should go to bed, when I thought he was making bad choices, when I thought they were in need of something, whenever I saw any issue, I wanted to tell him he was wrong and I wanted it done my way. I should be able to have a say in their lives at all times, I am after all their mom. WRONG!!!! When they are with their other parent, that other parent has control of all decisions and truthfully does not want my input. I get a say when they are in my custodial care and that is it, period.

It is tough. It really is. But the sooner you realize and accept your new reality the better it will be for both you and your child.

It took a while for me and my current husband to get to the point we are at now with being able to relinquish the control when the children are not with us. But if I can encourage you to do anything, it would be to let it go. Honestly it creates so much more anger, frustration, resentment (pick the adjective and fill it in here) to constantly be wanting to monitor and control the situation with your children when they are not with you. And where does it get you? Nowhere, except maybe a visit to the doctor for the ulcer you have created. Yes, maybe once in a while your long emails and rants via text are heard and applied. But really most of your suggestions, wants, demands, are ignored anyway and you are the only one left feeling upset.

Like I said it took me a while to get there, but both my husband and I have come to terms with the fact that when the children are not with us, we cannot control their surroundings or happenings, so we let it go and wait until they return to us where we know everything is the way we feel it should be. When conversations are started by the children regarding things that have happened in their other homes, we either bite our tongues and don’t say a word or we say “That is your dad’s/mom’s house and you must obey the rules for that house” and change the subject. At the same time, we always listen to the kids to hear what they have to say because one, we want them to share things with us and two, if there ever were a extreme issue, we would want/need to know about it.

Like I said when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard. And when your ex is doing things that you find so appalling and frustrating and wrong, you can’t help but want to stop it. But you can’t–so stop making it worse on yourself. Accept your new reality. Do the best you can with your children when they are in your care. Love them and don’t do things to them while in your care just to get back at the ex. Ultimately, your children are the one who will pay, not the ex. Just like when your ex is doing things out of spite for you, you can see the effect on the children, which is why you want it to stop.

Look at it  this way–if you were doing something you felt was completely appropriate and your ex was telling you how wrong you were and trying to tell you that it was not acceptable, would you want their input? Probably not. So when it is the reverse, take a breath, remember you can’t control it and let it go.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Cases like these are the cancer of divorce.

Sometimes I think that the work of experts on divorce is really akin to oncologists who work with cancers of all types.  Some are curable, some require intensive treatment and have a good outcome and sometimes the cancer is so aggressive that all you can do is help the patient cope.

It is inevitable –whenever I touch upon almost any subject regarding divorce, whether its child support, money, or what truth is too much truth, I will hear of cases where it is obvious that whatever can be done is simply not enough. Some marriages die a terrible death.

What one disturbed parent can do to children and to an ex that he or she once loved is often hard to believe. It is a sad fact that most kidnappings in the United States occur in the context of divorce – and violence is not uncommon. The courts and the criminal justice system are overwhelmed and not a fine honed tool. Police arrive and sometimes arrest the wrong parent.

Child protection laws sometimes protect, but they are also used by manipulative parents to gain advantage in court by falsely accusing an ex in order to gain leverage over the kids and child support money.  Judges are only human, and have too many difficult cases to handle.

My heart breaks for the children that are subject to these horrors. Lying, promiscuity and adultery are, in my opinion, small things in comparison to no food, no electricity, living in shelters and violence (both physical and verbal). The former is how relationships can fall apart in bad ways. The latter is about whether or not the man (or woman) has the sense of duty to make things right even if he (or she) did something terribly wrong.

So often in divorce, people act out. They can be angry and self righteous or sometimes just feel free for the first time in decades and become the adult equivalent to acting out teenagers. Inevitably, the children are injured, not by the divorce itself, but by how it is handled.

So, what can be done?

If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a story which is largely not of your own making. You have to respond to an ex spouse who just wants to win – and at all costs.

What you do have control over here is your own sanity, and the innocent ears of your precious children. Therapy is really a must. All the outrage must be mobilized productively, and all the hurt and fear needs to be soothed. Children rarely benefit from an angry parent, even if he or she is justified.

You make hundreds of decisions everyday that can impact your kids and, hard as it is to believe, you may have some leverage with your ex if you don’t fall into his traps. For instance, if you are angry and spout off time and again, your home can become a frightening place for your kids.

Or, on the other hand, they may identify with your temper and act out in school as bullies – it happens and I have seen it. And if you are so angry that you provoke a fight in public with your ex, he can use it against you in court to show how “unstable” you are. I have seen this too. You don’t want to give him this kind of power.

A therapist will help you grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you held dear, including a sense that the world is fair. It all has to go, because children need a stable and realistic parent to help show them the way back to sanity.

When speaking about being realistic, in dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and still co parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on him as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police.

You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you’re not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center.  No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child’s therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent.

On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated.

It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot. It is the best medicine that we have.

Author Bio: Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

Much will change with a divorce. A child is no longer able to be with both of their parents at the same time, under the same roof. Their sense of security can be lessened and they must adapt to a new way of life.

Do you really want to tell them the truth? Should they know that their father had an affair and left their mother (and them)? Do you want them to know about their mother’s alcoholism, or that Mom and Dad haven’t had sex for the last ten years? I’m not so sure.

There is a lot in life that’s private. Kids need to have their innocence. This means that they need not know everything – explicit details are better left unsaid. In my mind, their mental health trumps truth.

This opinion is not always embraced by parents, particularly a parent who feels wronged or defamed. That parent wants the child to carry the same opinion about the other parent that they carry. Here’s something to remember, your children are not you. They are entitled to their own opinions.

So what about the truth? In most cases, it’s best to keep the full truth to yourself because it’s safe to say that the truth hurts. Obviously if a parent is violent, disturbed, or grossly mismanaging a child, their access needs to be limited. That’s what the courts are for.

Children will ultimately come to their own conclusion about their parents. If a parent is a selfish narcissist who is always unavailable, the child will get it. It’s their call whether they have negative opinions about their mother or father, not yours.

At the end of the day, it’s their relationship. And that, my friends, is the truth.

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Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

Question:

I am divorced and my ex-husband and I have a daughter. I have been remarried for 3 years. My husband is also divorced but without any children of his own. When divorce papers were drawn it stated that I have full custody with my ex having once a month weekend visitation at his parents’ home. That was 5 years ago. My ex has recently asked if he could have our daughter for the Easter weekend. My, selfish, initial response is NO but I understand that he wants to try and finally step up and make memories with her. My now husband is completely against her going during Easter and told me he would be very upset if I let her go. My parents and sister HATE my ex-husband and don’t think I should let her go. Can you give me some kind of advice or guidance? I am stressed out over this!!

Answer:

I can’t give advice without knowing the “story.” So, let me put it this way…if your ex-husband, the father of your child does not have a history of domestic abuse, does not have a history of endangering his daughter then he should be allowed extended visits with her. If you are 100% sure that your daughter is safe with her father then you have no reason to deny him the opportunity to spend Easter with his child.

As for your present husband and your family, they have no say in this situation and you should NOT allow them to influence your decision making. Your ex-husband is your child’s biological father. His needs and desires where his child is concerned are more important than the needs and desires of her step-father, aunt or grandmother. You need to let them know that your daughter having a relationship with her father is more important than how they feel about the situation.

Bottom line, this is a problem that should be dealt with between you and your ex-husband. No one else should have a say or be given the impression that they have a right to an opinion. If others tell you they will be upset you need to remind them that they have no legal or moral right to be upset when it comes to how you handle you and your ex deal with what is best for his and your daughter.

My best,
Cathy

Please cast your vote, and let us know what you think:

According to a new book, “The Longevity Project,” a parent’s divorce is a strong predictor of early death in adulthood. Think about it, your divorce can play a role in how long your child will live. And, according to the book, whether or not the divorce is high conflict or not makes no difference.

Children who experienced the divorce of their parents in childhood died about five years earlier, on average, than children who grew up in intact families. I can’t think of a better argument for the need for divorce reform. In cases of a low conflict marriage parents have a moral obligation to keep a family intact because research has shown over and over again that not doing so is detrimental to our children.

All 50 states now have “no-fault” divorce, which allows a disaffected spouse to unilaterally shatter a marriage and family even if the other spouse wants to keep it together. Research (see “Divided Families,” by Andrew J. Cherlin and Frank F. Furstenberg) reveals that up to 80% of divorces are “forced” on one of the parties because of the divorce- on-demand nature of the law.

Ronald Reagan of California, the first Governor to sign a no-fault divorce law bill in 1969 said doing so was “the biggest mistake” he ever made.  No fault divorce laws have swept the country with New York State being the last to give into the national shame of making divorce an easy out from a trouble marriage.

Given this latest news and other research about the damage divorce does to our children, isn’t it time to move toward mutual divorce, laws that protect the rights of both spouses and children and takes away the right of one spouse to decide their “happiness” comes before the happiness of those they leave behind?

Other Negative Effects of Divorce on Children:

• Preschool (ages 3-5): These children are likely to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone achieved. Additionally, sleep disturbances and an exacerbated fear of separation from the custodial parent are common. There is usually a great deal of yearning for the non-custodial parent.

• Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

• Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

• Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

My conclusion? Divorce can have significant and life-altering effects on the well-being of our child. A parent’s divorce impacts almost every aspect of a child’s life, including the parent child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development and coping skills.

After reading this, I’m curious, is your “happiness” and lack of desire to stay in your low conflict marriage more important that the fall-out of divorce on your children?

A friend sent me a handout from Oregon about the effects of divorce on children. If you’ve been through a divorce I’m sure you’ve taken the time to read articles about children and divorce in an attempt to help you help your child adjust.

We put a lot of thought and consideration into how our children are feeling and dealing once the decision to divorce is made. The decision to divorce is not something our children participate in though, there is no consideration given to their opinion when it comes to whether or not to split the family up.

I find it interesting that the ones who will be impacted the most have no say in the decision making process. Divorce laws do not take into consideration the opinions of children. Parents seem to believe that their relationship and whether it continues is separate from their relationship with their children. Parents fail to understand that their relation encompasses their children, is in fact the very foundation of their children’s security.

So, why is it children don’t get a vote when the decision to divorce is being discussed or decided? Should a father be allowed to walk away from his family with no legal consequence when it can be proven doing so damages children and has long lasting negative consequences?

Should a mother who is no longer “happy” have the right to leave her marriage, pursue her happiness at the expensive of her children’s well-being without first being required to take into consideration her children’s happiness?

Does it not make sense that the most important product of a marriage…children should not have legal rights, laws that give them power or say so when it comes to whether or not their family remains intact or not?

Consider these responses by teenagers when asked about divorce before you form an opinion on the subject and then share your opinion on the subject.

Why don’t parents ask the kids?

“Because they don’t care about their opinion, or it doesn’t effect their progress on working on their problems. Parents can get away with divorce.  Kids can’t get away with anything.”

Why do parents divorce?

“Because when you give them the ability to divorce they just abuse it.”

Don’t parents care?

If the parents say “We want to get a divorce.” And the kids say “We shall be sad.”  The parents don’t say “O.K., we’ll stay together.”  That never happens.  That’s what comedians are.

How did your parents divorce make you feel?

“Like I have no effect.  Like I’m a bystander.  Like they know how I feel, but they don’t care.”

How do you feel about your parents?

“My opinion is lower because I thought they would be more mature and solve their problems.  They didn’t even ask what it would do to me.”

What do you think parents need to know?

“I just think they deserve to suffer a lot just to know what it’s like.”

• Were your children part of the decision making process before your divorce?
• Do you feel a child’s opinion should be considered when deciding to divorce?
• How would your child answer the above questions?

The following is information about managing family stress. It’s from Debbie Lorence, University of Louisville’s Kentucky Autism Training Center, who gave a handout that I thought may help:

Magical thinking and conflict resolution:

• I will try not to avoid conflict altogether: Instead, I will try to not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my partner doesn’t want to discuss the matter immediately

• I will try not become defensive: Instead, I will try to listen and hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner’s complaints with objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain calm and in control of my emotions.

• I will try not to over generalize: Instead, I will try to lose the words “always” and “never”; I will try to avoid catastrophizing; I will try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I am saying are really true.

• I will try not to always be right: Instead, I will try to stop looking at things as being “right” or “wrong” and that my opinions are always right and my partner’s are wrong; I will try to recognize that sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might need to agree to disagree.

• I will try not to read my partner’s mind: Instead, I will try to resist the idea that I “know” what my partner is thinking and that those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning motives to my partner’s actions – “You are only saying/doing this because…”; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my partner out.

• I will try not to deny the positive: Instead, I will try to refrain from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I dismiss the positive – for example, I will focus on the nine things that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive things as flukes – this will help me to eliminate those “Yeah, but….” responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.

• I will try not to forget to listen: Instead, I will try to listen carefully – don’t think about what I am going to say next while my partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay attention to his/her body language; I will try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

• I will try not to play the “Blame Game”: Instead, I will try to refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will try to avoid trying to “shame” my partner as being “at fault”; I will try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors – blaming myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for me.

• I will try not to always feel I need to “win”: Instead, I will try to come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs of both of us; Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both parties can be happy with.

• I will try not make character attacks: Instead, I will try to avoid calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don’t like his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips For Divorced Parents

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

For more advice on being a divorced father, take a look at this excellent book – written by fathers for fathers.