When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

Because there are no reporting requirements by fertility clinics and sperm banks or any identifiers on birth certificates to calculate the number of children who are the product of home-based artificial inseminations, there are no clear statistics on the annual total of children born via sperm and egg donation (or a combination of the two) in the United States.

Commentators estimate the number of people using alternative reproductive technology (ART) to be as low as 5,000 to as high as 60,000 annually. My guess is that the number is at the higher end, if not significantly more, based on the demand for sperm and egg donation, the leaps in science allowing for more successful assisted reproduction rates, infertility issues caused by a delay in starting families (10 to 15 percent of married couples have fertility problems), and the large number of medical and legal entities offering services to facilitate non-traditional means of family planning. And you know something is on the increase when it becomes a huge Hollywood fad — think “Baby Mama,” “The Switch,” “The Back Up Plan,” and “The Kids Are Alright.” (full disclosure — I have an ART child).

One would think given this increase that there would be legal uniformity as to parental and financial rights and responsibilities. In fact, state legislatures have mostly punted this hot-button issue, declining to readdress the definition of parentage in recent years and instead allowing their judicial systems to render inconsistent verdicts. However, some scholars have begun to take note. For example, in March 2011, the American University Washington College of Law is hosting a conference entitled “The New Illegitimacy: Revisiting Why Parentage Should Not Depend On Marriage.”

The inconsistencies create an enormous amount of uncertainty ranging from inheritance rights to child support and visitation. Additionally, there has been an increase in the questionable practice of commercially contracting with foreign surrogate mothers in countries such as India. And what if, for example, a family undergoes alternative family planning in one state but then seeks dissolution of their marriage or union in another that has conflicting definitions of parentage?

And just because one State supports one non-traditional parentage does not necessarily mean that it tolerates another. For example, in Washington, D.C., surrogacy is a felony. On the flip side, in 2010, it became the first jurisdiction to confer the status of legal parent on both lesbian mothers who plan a child using donor insemination, rendering second parent adoption unnecessary.

Some States even have conflicting rules relative to egg and sperm donation because some define genetic mothers as the legal mother but deem a married man the parent of a child conceived from an anonymous sperm donor. In other words, under this scenario, if a married couple used a donor egg and a donor sperm using a surrogate, then the anonymous woman who provided the donor egg is considered the legal mother, but the husband is considered the legal father.

Is your head spinning yet?

A sample of notable state laws and judicial rulings in the past few years reflect how unsettled, inconsistent and controversial the question of parentage is:

In Pennsylvania, the trial and appellate courts initially forced a sperm donor to pay child support even though the mother was married to someone else at the time of insemination, and he had a contract that was supposed to relieve him of child support obligations. The State’s highest court overturned the ruling, stating that the decision in line with the lower courts would undermine the legal status of sperm donors, including anonymous donors at sperm banks, and would force women to seek sperm via sperm banks rather than from men in their acquaintanceship that they admire.

In Michigan, a married couple with fertility issues contracted with a surrogate mother, who had acted as a surrogate for three other children previously for other women. The resultant twins were produced by fertilizing an egg and a sperm from anonymous donors, so no party shared any DNA with the children. Upon hearing that the wife had a psychological disorder, the surrogate decided to object to legal transfer at the required guardianship hearing. The court sided with the surrogate because Michigan strongly opposes surrogacy contracts and, in fact, deems such contracts as a crime punishable by up to five years in prison as well as fines.

In California, as well as some other states, if a person or couple is assisted by a licensed medical professional (even if the insemination is done at home), then the sperm donor automatically loses all claim to the child, and if the mother is married, the husband automatically becomes the legal father (assuming he and the mother sign a consent form to that end).  But if you do not meet the above criteria, then the donor may assert claims.

To the contrary, in Florida, the distinction as to where insemination occurs is irrelevant — donors waive parental rights and responsibilities. Florida also permits surrogate agreements. But before you believe that Florida is at the forefront of tolerance on this matter, note that it does not allow same-sex adoptions.

Now, contrast that with New York, where contracts regarding sperm donation between a couple and a known sperm donor are generally unenforceable, and the court will only look at the best interests of the child in determining the rights and duties of the donor as opposed to the parties’ intent.  More recently, although the state’s highest court granted “legal parent” status to a non-biological mother to a child born after the couple had entered into a civil union in Vermont, the ruling does not extend to same-sex couples who fail to enter into such unions or same-sex marriage, both of which are unavailable in New York. However, New York’s decision to honor Vermont’s laws does not mean that other States will do so. Yet unlike Florida, New York allows second parent adoptions.

In Indiana, the Court of Appeals reversed a trial court’s ruling that the legal mother of a child was a non-related surrogate. In that case, a married couple enlisted the wife’s sister to carry her child as a gestational surrogate. The court remanded the case back to the trial court with instructions to conduct an evidentiary hearing to determine motherhood based on biological, not gestational relationship. Unlike Michigan, the fact that Indiana law does not recognize the validity of surrogacy agreements was basically ignored.

Additionally, many cases differentiate between anonymous and known donors. But further muddying the waters is the fact that since 2005, many sperm banks offer “ID consent” donors, who have agreed to have their identities released to any resultant offspring when they reach maturity. Banks that handle egg donors have not yet done so, but given the trends one can foresee that possibility. Adding yet another wrinkle is the fact that Donor Sibling Registries are now available — think about how, for example, that might affect sibling rights to inheritances. Given the existing legal confusion, one can easily imagine future litigation on these points as well without uniform guidance.

The Uniform Parentage Act, last revised in 2002, is a model statute that was created by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws to serve as a guide for drafting family legislation. It recognizes that as many as five adults can be involved in the production of a single child, and adopted a functional family definition as opposed to one dominated by genetics. With regard to assisted conception, it encourages that States:

Authorize gestational surrogacy agreements as valid contracts requiring court approval similar to adoptions.

No longer require that at least one of a child’s intended parents be genetically related.

Recognize that egg and sperm donors are not the legal parents of a child under any circumstances.

Unfortunately, only nine states have adopted versions of the 2002 Act, and for those who did, half have limited the parental rights to opposite sex married couples or declined to include the provisions related to surrogacy. Likewise, the Act does not acknowledge same sex couples, instead defining parents as a “man and woman.”

My opinion? Whether you like it or not, families created through alternative reproductive methods are on the rise. States must acknowledge this trend and instead of seeking to prevent their use should enact the following legislation:

Establish a method to report the offspring produced as a result of ART;

Uniformly deem enforceable contracts between known sperm and egg donors and recipients and provide guidelines regarding drafting of same;

Uniformly deem enforceable surrogacy contracts and establish guidelines for judicial approval;

Create guidelines and clarify parental and sibling legal rights relative to ID Consent donors and Sibling Registries; and

Adopt a version of the 2002 Uniform Parentage Act that includes a broader definition of parentage to include same sex couples.

*Previously published on The Huffington Post.

As mothers we find it hard to let our children leave our home bound for a place where the welfare, rules, and lifestyles are questionable–if not completely opposite of how we would have it in our homes. When it is a friend’s house, we can easily control the time our child is allowed there and anytime it becomes increasing uncomfortable for us we can go and get them. However, when the home in question is that of your child’s other biological parent, your control of the situation goes right out the door with your child.

A while ago I wrote a piece on Parallel Parenting and how the discovery of this term freed me from the ridicule and the constant berating that went along with being told I had to “Co-Parent.” Many of you have made comments and observations on the topic–some agreeing and some disagreeing. Mainly I had questions asking my advice regarding how to deal with specific situations. Interestingly, among these questions I found there to be a common theme–how do I control the behavior of my children in my ex’s home?

As the questions rolled in, I felt the need to answer each question as it related to the individual and their specific circumstances. However, over time I have decided that with so much concern over the same basic issue that this would be a great topic to discuss on its own–thus today’s post.

Let me start by saying that every situation is different and when you are caught up in the moment of it, your problem feels as if it is bigger and more difficult than anything anyone else may have experienced. As with everything else in life, you have to gather your information, research your options and do what is best for YOU. I can share my opinions and thoughts and maybe give you a little food for thought, but you have to live your life, I don’t.

Parallel parenting begins with detaching yourself from your ex when you realize that co-parenting is not working. With detachment comes a freedom but also a horrifying realization that you no longer have any control over what happens to your children when they are not in your care.  Horrifying not in the sense of “OMG my child is going to be killed” but horrifying in way you feel completely out of control. Ironically whether you decide to co-parent or parallel parent with your ex, you can only control what you can control–meaning when your children are with you in your home, you can control what is happening. When they are in their other parents home, you may agree or disagree with what is happening but you have no control over it. Like it or not, that control now belongs to the other parent.

Just because you are the “biological” parent does not give you an ounce of right to speak into the other parents home, rules, lifestyle, decisions–you are divorced and now you have no right to speak into their lives, even in regards to your children.

I know this is so much easier said than done. When it comes to our children we want to protect them from every evil, ugly, bad thing out there. Sadly when it comes to divorces and joint custody or even just visitation, your ability to control and protect them from everything you do not like has been replaced with half-time/part-time control. Even when you can’t stand their other parent and hate all of or just some of the things that happen when you child is when you, you cannot change or control that situation. You can only control your time.

Like it or not, they have another parent. And more likely than not, that parent is very different from you. Most likely they are not going to do things in the same manner or handle things the same way you would–you are after all divorced. So with that in mind, unless they are physically abusing your child or there is something so extreme happening (like the ex is strung out on drugs or passed out drunk all of the time) there is nothing you can do about the other issues that are taking place. Judges see so many truly awful situations with children where they are being beat and abused that yours and my concerns over actions, words, misleading, sharing, whatever it may be, is so minor in the scope of life that we are just instructed to parent the way we choose on our time. I know it seems extreme and unfair at times but it is reality. I have spent this past year helping out a good friend who is a family law attorney and you cannot imagine the amount of things I have seen. My eyes have been opened. The things in the past that I thought were such big issues pale in comparison to many of the truly sick and disgusting things I have witnessed in the family court system. These judges are faced with incredibly horrid situations with families and kids everyday–no wonder they don’t have time for our “major” issues.

For me, accepting my loss of control over my children’s lives when not in my care was really hard to grasp at first–they are after all my children. I wanted to be able to tell my ex when they should go to bed, when I thought he was making bad choices, when I thought they were in need of something, whenever I saw any issue, I wanted to tell him he was wrong and I wanted it done my way. I should be able to have a say in their lives at all times, I am after all their mom. WRONG!!!! When they are with their other parent, that other parent has control of all decisions and truthfully does not want my input. I get a say when they are in my custodial care and that is it, period.

It is tough. It really is. But the sooner you realize and accept your new reality the better it will be for both you and your child.

It took a while for me and my current husband to get to the point we are at now with being able to relinquish the control when the children are not with us. But if I can encourage you to do anything, it would be to let it go. Honestly it creates so much more anger, frustration, resentment (pick the adjective and fill it in here) to constantly be wanting to monitor and control the situation with your children when they are not with you. And where does it get you? Nowhere, except maybe a visit to the doctor for the ulcer you have created. Yes, maybe once in a while your long emails and rants via text are heard and applied. But really most of your suggestions, wants, demands, are ignored anyway and you are the only one left feeling upset.

Like I said it took me a while to get there, but both my husband and I have come to terms with the fact that when the children are not with us, we cannot control their surroundings or happenings, so we let it go and wait until they return to us where we know everything is the way we feel it should be. When conversations are started by the children regarding things that have happened in their other homes, we either bite our tongues and don’t say a word or we say “That is your dad’s/mom’s house and you must obey the rules for that house” and change the subject. At the same time, we always listen to the kids to hear what they have to say because one, we want them to share things with us and two, if there ever were a extreme issue, we would want/need to know about it.

Like I said when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard. And when your ex is doing things that you find so appalling and frustrating and wrong, you can’t help but want to stop it. But you can’t–so stop making it worse on yourself. Accept your new reality. Do the best you can with your children when they are in your care. Love them and don’t do things to them while in your care just to get back at the ex. Ultimately, your children are the one who will pay, not the ex. Just like when your ex is doing things out of spite for you, you can see the effect on the children, which is why you want it to stop.

Look at it  this way–if you were doing something you felt was completely appropriate and your ex was telling you how wrong you were and trying to tell you that it was not acceptable, would you want their input? Probably not. So when it is the reverse, take a breath, remember you can’t control it and let it go.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Cases like these are the cancer of divorce.

Sometimes I think that the work of experts on divorce is really akin to oncologists who work with cancers of all types.  Some are curable, some require intensive treatment and have a good outcome and sometimes the cancer is so aggressive that all you can do is help the patient cope.

It is inevitable –whenever I touch upon almost any subject regarding divorce, whether its child support, money, or what truth is too much truth, I will hear of cases where it is obvious that whatever can be done is simply not enough. Some marriages die a terrible death.

What one disturbed parent can do to children and to an ex that he or she once loved is often hard to believe. It is a sad fact that most kidnappings in the United States occur in the context of divorce – and violence is not uncommon. The courts and the criminal justice system are overwhelmed and not a fine honed tool. Police arrive and sometimes arrest the wrong parent.

Child protection laws sometimes protect, but they are also used by manipulative parents to gain advantage in court by falsely accusing an ex in order to gain leverage over the kids and child support money.  Judges are only human, and have too many difficult cases to handle.

My heart breaks for the children that are subject to these horrors. Lying, promiscuity and adultery are, in my opinion, small things in comparison to no food, no electricity, living in shelters and violence (both physical and verbal). The former is how relationships can fall apart in bad ways. The latter is about whether or not the man (or woman) has the sense of duty to make things right even if he (or she) did something terribly wrong.

So often in divorce, people act out. They can be angry and self righteous or sometimes just feel free for the first time in decades and become the adult equivalent to acting out teenagers. Inevitably, the children are injured, not by the divorce itself, but by how it is handled.

So, what can be done?

If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a story which is largely not of your own making. You have to respond to an ex spouse who just wants to win – and at all costs.

What you do have control over here is your own sanity, and the innocent ears of your precious children. Therapy is really a must. All the outrage must be mobilized productively, and all the hurt and fear needs to be soothed. Children rarely benefit from an angry parent, even if he or she is justified.

You make hundreds of decisions everyday that can impact your kids and, hard as it is to believe, you may have some leverage with your ex if you don’t fall into his traps. For instance, if you are angry and spout off time and again, your home can become a frightening place for your kids.

Or, on the other hand, they may identify with your temper and act out in school as bullies – it happens and I have seen it. And if you are so angry that you provoke a fight in public with your ex, he can use it against you in court to show how “unstable” you are. I have seen this too. You don’t want to give him this kind of power.

A therapist will help you grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you held dear, including a sense that the world is fair. It all has to go, because children need a stable and realistic parent to help show them the way back to sanity.

When speaking about being realistic, in dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and still co parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on him as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police.

You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you’re not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center.  No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child’s therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent.

On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated.

It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot. It is the best medicine that we have.

Author Bio: Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

Much will change with a divorce. A child is no longer able to be with both of their parents at the same time, under the same roof. Their sense of security can be lessened and they must adapt to a new way of life.

Do you really want to tell them the truth? Should they know that their father had an affair and left their mother (and them)? Do you want them to know about their mother’s alcoholism, or that Mom and Dad haven’t had sex for the last ten years? I’m not so sure.

There is a lot in life that’s private. Kids need to have their innocence. This means that they need not know everything – explicit details are better left unsaid. In my mind, their mental health trumps truth.

This opinion is not always embraced by parents, particularly a parent who feels wronged or defamed. That parent wants the child to carry the same opinion about the other parent that they carry. Here’s something to remember, your children are not you. They are entitled to their own opinions.

So what about the truth? In most cases, it’s best to keep the full truth to yourself because it’s safe to say that the truth hurts. Obviously if a parent is violent, disturbed, or grossly mismanaging a child, their access needs to be limited. That’s what the courts are for.

Children will ultimately come to their own conclusion about their parents. If a parent is a selfish narcissist who is always unavailable, the child will get it. It’s their call whether they have negative opinions about their mother or father, not yours.

At the end of the day, it’s their relationship. And that, my friends, is the truth.

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Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

The picture that society has painted of step-moms is evil, ugly, rotten and very sad. According to Cinderella and other stories with stepmothers, these women only love their biological children and they are incredibly mean or they are young attractive women that the ex left the older mom for and therefore she must be a horrid woman who cares nothing about the well being of children, right?

The truth is step-moms are not these terrible women who are horrible to their stepchildren and only kind to their “real” children. Nor are they women who move in on the ex-husband like prey and plan their every move just to make the biological mother crazy.

Sad really how the world of television and movies has warped the reality of a step-mom and her role in the children’s lives. I don’t know about you but I was not aware that a step-mom could not love her step-children as much as she loves her own children. What makes the children not born to her any less real or lovable?

When a mother adopts a baby she did not carry in her womb, does that mean she loves them less? Or how about a foster mom that takes in children to care for them when their “real” parents aren’t able, is she not respected and able to love those kids. I find it amazing how we accept other roles like adoptive moms and foster moms but the stepmom is something evil and looked down upon.

I think it all stems from biological mothers who think no one could care for their child the way they do. On top of the fact that these same mothers are usually angry and bitter from a divorce which they did not want or did not like how it ended. Mix in a new woman who the real mother does not like, is jealous of, or resents from some unknown reason and the creation of the evil stepmother is born.

Before you get all worked up and tell me that I have no idea what it is like to have another woman taking care of your children, you should know I am very well versed in the term stepmom and the role she has in a family.  Not only am I the biological mother to two children (who have a stepmother in their life), I am the stepmom to two, and I also have a mother and stepmother. So to say the least, I have quite a bit of experience in all aspects of the stepmom.

That being said, I can related to those of you who have a new woman in your life that is now caring for your children half of the time or at least part of the time, and I know it can be hard at first. The adjustment to not only being away from your children for a given period of time but also having to accept a new woman in their lives can be very challenging. I love my children and I hate when they are not in my home, but there is a reality I have had to accept.

A reality that now includes a step-mom as well as rules, decisions, and general life that does not include me. This is a sacrifice that I had to make in order to improve life for both me and my children. I’m sorry but I will never, ever buy into the belief that many women (and some men) have that you should remain in a marriage that you no longer wish to be a part of. I firmly believe that doing so has drastically more adverse effects on the children than divorce ever could. I personally know a couple that has been what I refer to as “unhappily married” for over 43 years and their adult children are some of the most maladjusted humans that I know.

I am not the angry divorcee that is mentioned previously and even though I brought the divorce on myself and wanted out, that didn’t mean I was looking forward to sharing my children with anyone let alone another woman. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning.

At first when this woman came into my children’s lives, I thought it would be like it always was–I was their mother and I had the last word. Just like when my ex was not married, I would tell him what I thought was right or wrong and he would either agree or disagree but ultimately I was still able to exert my control regarding my children in his home. Now there is another mom involved and she gets the say in her home.

This is as it should be, as I would never want anyone thinking they could tell me how to do things in my own home. Letting go of that control and realizing that just because I am the biological mother does not mean I get to have any input into my ex’s new family was a little tough at first. Although I did not agree at first, my ex and his wife made it clear that whether they agree with me or not it was ultimately their home and they would do as they saw fit. Frustrating as that is, it is true and I have gracefully come to terms with that.

Then there is the fact that my children have days where they love their stepmom and they have a great time and other days where they whine and complain and tell me how awful she is. I am the adult so I have to remember that they are children and their perceptions of things are a little skewed. You know what I mean–maybe she ruins one meal and now she is the world’s worst cook.

Also children feed off of their own mother, if they feel that it makes their mom happy to say bad things about the stepmom then they will come up with all kinds of terrible stories in order to make their mom feel better. It is completely understandable at young ages to tell either parent what they think you want to hear in an innocent effort to please, even though what they may think you want to hear is not what you want to hear at all.

All of this can be so hard to balance. You want your children to be happy when they are with you and when they are away. However, there is always a little jealousy of things you miss out on or don’t get to experience with your children so you really don’t want to hear about how much fun they had with their step-mom.

For me, I have decided that I just want my kids to be happy and that includes when away from me. So for them to be happy, I have chosen to encourage their relationship with their step-mom. Like it or not, she is the mom in their other house and in that family. I would rather be a little jealous or sad (without showing my children) and have my kids happy and flourishing in their other home then see them sad and complaining just to make me happy.

So when they return to my home and begin to share the good and the bad, I listen to the good and engage them in those conversations but if the topic turns bad I generally redirect them so that they realize those topics do not please me. Interestingly since I began that, my two don’t say very many bad things about their step-mom. Nowadays I have to assume that they are doing quite well if the only thing they complain about is the occasional bad cooking.

Ultimately, we all just want what is best for our children. Although I do not agree with my children’s step-mom on several things, that does not make her role any less important to my children. I also have to realize that even though I am their mother, she is their step-mom and they have a new family. Also she is married to my children’s father. As a man he cannot always experience the same things as a woman. So although I may feel like she is doing things with my children that I should be doing, what makes me think that their father is not experiencing that moment through his wife.

For example, maybe he is not the best baker and she enjoys baking cookies, isn’t it possible that seeing his children in the kitchen cooking with her is special and important to him. Sorry moms, but we all do it, we tend to think that our feelings as a mother are more important then the feelings of the father, and that is just plain wrong. I am guilty of it too, although I am trying to better myself and see that his feelings are valid whether I agree with them or not.

The bottom line here involves our children–they have two parents plus some and all parties involved are equally important, no matter whose womb the child came from. All of us moms need to accept the step-mom and stop looking for the evil stepmother from Cinderella. That is only fair for the children.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

A friend sent me a handout from Oregon about the effects of divorce on children. If you’ve been through a divorce I’m sure you’ve taken the time to read articles about children and divorce in an attempt to help you help your child adjust.

We put a lot of thought and consideration into how our children are feeling and dealing once the decision to divorce is made. The decision to divorce is not something our children participate in though, there is no consideration given to their opinion when it comes to whether or not to split the family up.

I find it interesting that the ones who will be impacted the most have no say in the decision making process. Divorce laws do not take into consideration the opinions of children. Parents seem to believe that their relationship and whether it continues is separate from their relationship with their children. Parents fail to understand that their relation encompasses their children, is in fact the very foundation of their children’s security.

So, why is it children don’t get a vote when the decision to divorce is being discussed or decided? Should a father be allowed to walk away from his family with no legal consequence when it can be proven doing so damages children and has long lasting negative consequences?

Should a mother who is no longer “happy” have the right to leave her marriage, pursue her happiness at the expensive of her children’s well-being without first being required to take into consideration her children’s happiness?

Does it not make sense that the most important product of a marriage…children should not have legal rights, laws that give them power or say so when it comes to whether or not their family remains intact or not?

Consider these responses by teenagers when asked about divorce before you form an opinion on the subject and then share your opinion on the subject.

Why don’t parents ask the kids?

“Because they don’t care about their opinion, or it doesn’t effect their progress on working on their problems. Parents can get away with divorce.  Kids can’t get away with anything.”

Why do parents divorce?

“Because when you give them the ability to divorce they just abuse it.”

Don’t parents care?

If the parents say “We want to get a divorce.” And the kids say “We shall be sad.”  The parents don’t say “O.K., we’ll stay together.”  That never happens.  That’s what comedians are.

How did your parents divorce make you feel?

“Like I have no effect.  Like I’m a bystander.  Like they know how I feel, but they don’t care.”

How do you feel about your parents?

“My opinion is lower because I thought they would be more mature and solve their problems.  They didn’t even ask what it would do to me.”

What do you think parents need to know?

“I just think they deserve to suffer a lot just to know what it’s like.”

• Were your children part of the decision making process before your divorce?
• Do you feel a child’s opinion should be considered when deciding to divorce?
• How would your child answer the above questions?

A reader recently asked me: “Are there any blended families that never get along and are just too incompatible?”

Great question!  Yes- there are some families that have been blended for years (sometimes up to 20 years!) and still haven’t accepted each other as family. Here are some reasons a blended family may stay incompatible and not blend.

If the children are over 21 when the couple remarries:

It’s possible that the family doesn’t “blend” because the children have moved out on their own and are starting their own families. That’s O.K., as long as there is respect for the new stepparent, as their parent’s spouse. It does make life a little tougher for the grandkids (who don’t understand why some of the grandparents are not accepted equally,) but it’s somewhat understandable if the kids are already on their own as adults and making their own decisions. These adult children are limiting the love these stepparents can have for them and for their children, but it is their own choice.

If the parents did not consider their children when they remarried:

Once the divorced mom and dad start dating again, they are looking for not only a spouse, but also a stepparent to his or her children. It does make dating more difficult, but it is very necessary to understand if your new love is interested in getting to know your children, love them and spent time raising them with you.  A parent should only marry someone that will be a good stepmom/stepdad to his or her kids.

If the parents are not willing to treat each child (biological or step) fairly and equally:

Some parents forget that they should treat their child the way they want their new spouse to treat their children. Each parent should treat each child in the home (whether biological or step) equally and fairly. House rules need to be established and followed by all. There should be consequences, enforced by the biological parent, if these house rules and guidelines are not met. It should be unacceptable for a child to treat a stepsibling or stepparent with disrespect or rudeness.

Some families just don’t blend

In reality, there are some families that never get along. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s the kid’s fault- it’s the parents’ fault. It’s the parent’s responsibility to communicate their expectations for the newly blended family. Reminding their children that everyone should treat each other with respect, everyone is loved and special in this house, and to treat your stepfamily the way you want to be treated. If the parents don’t communicate these guidelines,  then the kids don’t know how to act and feel it’s O.K. to have a constant “war” going on.

Personality Differences

I don’t believe personality differences have a part in the blending process. As a parent- when our kids are born, we love them, immediately and automatically. We may have children that have our personality or children that have personalities completely different from us. It doesn’t matter- we love them just the same. But, there are days when we may not like this child (due to their behavior or actions) but we still love them.

In summary, I do believe that any family can get along- yes any blended or step family- no matter how different, as long as the parents are devoted to each other and determined to be the best parents they can be to all of the children in their home.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

I am so sick of the term Co-Parenting. You cannot imagine the number of times my ex, as well as my husband’s ex, has told us that we must Co-Parent with them. How can we possibly co-parent with people whom we have so many issues? If we were all so adept at co-parenting we may not all be divorced (well actually we would, but you get the point).

Are there truly that many ex-spouses out there that get along so well that parenting together works? Out of all the divorced couples who I know that share children, there is only one I can think of where co-parenting actually works. I know I was raised in a family where my parents divorced when I was 7 years old, and I am positive they did not co-parent. In fact, I do not believe that my parents have said one word to each other since I was 9 years old. Somehow I managed to survive my childhood and share all pertinent information with both of my parents.

Now here I am; 35 years old and dealing with my own set of exes whom I wish to never speak with again. You cannot imagine the drama and turmoil they have caused in our lives. There were the several months that the exes began dating each other and thought that was a terrific idea–no I am not kidding. My ex-husband dated my current husband’s ex-wife (after we became engaged to be married).

Then there was the constant stream of 10-page emails trying to tell us what to do and how to live our lives. I think my favorite is the hate rag which is currently being published. This is where one ex-spouse goes on and on about how horrid we are and makes things up just to have a story. Can you imagine co-parenting with these people?

My husband and I did try to play nice in the beginning; however, it soon became a war we did not want. So we cut the exes off. We began to parent in our home and trust that they were parenting well in theirs. When I say trust, I am referring to a very loose translation.

Maybe a better way to say it is that we had to give up control and realize that as long as there was not something that a court would consider worth merit, we had to just let the other parents parent the way they see fit. Our time is our time, and their time is theirs. We cannot control how they do things and more than they can control how we do things.

Again, we were constantly being told we were wrong. That is not how you do things when you are divorced. You must CO-PARENT!!!!

So you can imagine the relief I felt yesterday when my husband came home with a new term which had been shared with him, “Parallel Parenting”.

What is that? My mind was spinning with wonder. I had to know everything about this term, parallel parenting. It had the sound of something I was sure would work for us, even if the other parents still demanded “co-parenting.”

Psychologists describe the actions of children who do not have the skills to interact yet still play near each other as parallel play. These children are each doing their own thing with the shared toys but are ignoring each other. Similarly, parallel parenting is two parents caring for their children in the same area but separately.

For parents to parallel parent, they must disengage. This means that there is no communication between the two parents unless there is major information that must be shared. For example, your son breaks his arm, and you are taking him to the hospital, yes you would pick up the phone and call the other parent.

The flip side of that is your daughter repeats things to you that have been said in the other parent’s home, no matter how angry you are, you do not get to call the other parent up and voice your opinion. You do not and will not squabble over your concerns. You will give the other parent critical information about your child, remembering that you do not get to debate over each other’s parenting style.

For parents who cannot co-parent, as many parents can’t, this is a excellent solution, and quite simple.

You cannot imagine the amount of relief I feel knowing there is a term for what we have been doing. As silly as it sounds, I needed a straightforward way to communicate to the other parents (when confronted with lack of co-parenting) that we did not have to co-parent we were parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting is exactly what we have been doing, but now I have a name for it. Parallel parenting is so much easier to say than “you do your thing, we do ours, and we stay out of each other’s business.” Not to mention, it is a real parenting style that other people us, as well.

And it works!

Now, that I have found my solution, I would love to hear what other parenting issues you have had.

• Have you been at a loss for how to handle situations with your exes?
• Have you found other solutions that work?

Tell me all about it and I will share more with you.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her whole life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others.