In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

My children were young and in elementary school.  I had joined the PTA and was involved in various social activities in order to get to know the other mothers better.  I had bowled my entire life so I joined the PTA bowling league that met every Monday morning.

I had gotten to know a number of women through the bowling league and enjoyed talking with them about everything from the best teachers in each grade, to what they were making for dinner that night.  One particular Monday morning the women were talking about what they had done over the weekend and when it was my turn to share I said that I had gone upstate to my parent’s trailer on a lake…..alone.

Every head turned and every face looked confused.  One friend said “Alone?  What do you mean alone?”  I told them that I went upstate by myself and my husband kept the kids home with him for the weekend.  It felt like each woman gasped “WHY?!” in unison and I was taken back.  It was confusing to me that this idea was so foreign to them but I didn’t give it much thought at the time.

A few years later I read a wonderful description in 12-Step program literature that described how we are told in an emergency situation on an airplane to put our oxygen mask on first before we help anyone else.

The power of this metaphor is that you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.  The first time I read that description I remembered that awkward day, having to explain to some PTA mother’s how I could possibly leave my children home with their father in order to spend some quiet time alone. I realized that I was practicing self care before it became a buzz word in our society.

Extrovert vs. Introvert

The major “aha” moment for me came when I read a description of an extrovert versus an introvert while I was learning about my son’s Attention Deficit Disorder.

In this description, an extrovert was someone who received their energy from being around other people; an introvert received their energy from being by themselves and became drained being around people for extended periods of time.  A light bulb went off in my head – I was a classic introvert!

That explained why I was so drained at the end of the day when I spent most of the day around other people, why I always felt the need to sneak off to have quiet time, why I enjoyed the company of one good friend rather than a group.

Once I understood why I naturally felt better taking time to myself and I stopped making myself “wrong” for being that way, something shifted in me.  I now began to understand what gave me energy and I learned that putting my oxygen mask on first is in the best interest of everyone, especially my children.

I would have never had the strength, patience and desire to be the mother I am if I didn’t practice self care.  I used to tell my children that Mommy was going into “time out” so she could fill up her love cup.  They would giggle and knew that giving me 10 minutes to myself would mean a more energized, happier, playful Mommy.

My children are teenagers now but the practice of self care continues to be a priority to me as well as an example I am setting for them.  As my life has evolved, so has the idea of self care and what I routinely do or don’t do to take care of myself.  Yet it remains an important part of who I am.

Many years after that day at the bowling alley one of the women told me that she’ll never forget how impressed she was that I put my self care at the top of my priority list; she had never given herself permission and after that day she did.

Flying the friendly skies of life is much easier when we put our oxygen mask on first, everyday, not just in emergency situations.

• What does the idea of self care mean to you?  Do you carry the beliefs of past generations or other people in your life regarding self care?

• What are you afraid will happen if you start putting your oxygen mask on first?

• Where are you on your list of priorities?  What one thing can you do this week to move yourself up on the list?

Author bio: Dawn Sinnott been a CPA for 22 years however her life experiences have empowered her to become a divorce recovery life coach.  The interesting thing about Dawn’s story is that she was recovering from her ex-husband’s addiction at the same time she was recovering from her divorce and was able to use the same Spiritual tools to recover from both difficult situations.  Dawn is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with anyone considering divorce, in the midst of divorce or post-divorce and asking “Now what?”  Her message is “If Marriage is a Spiritual Union of two people’s lives, why has divorce become only a Legal Separation?”  In Dawn’s experience the Spiritual Dissolution of her marriage was even more important than the legal dissolution.  The legal dissolution did not help her with the acceptance of my situation. It didn’t help her with fear of the unknown or the changes that were brought about by her divorce.  She believes that divorce can be a catalyst to live a more authentic life with new hope and possibilities; She knows this to be true in her own life and loves empowering people and helping them to see that they’re not alone.

The following is information about managing family stress. It’s from Debbie Lorence, University of Louisville’s Kentucky Autism Training Center, who gave a handout that I thought may help:

Magical thinking and conflict resolution:

• I will try not to avoid conflict altogether: Instead, I will try to not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my partner doesn’t want to discuss the matter immediately

• I will try not become defensive: Instead, I will try to listen and hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner’s complaints with objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain calm and in control of my emotions.

• I will try not to over generalize: Instead, I will try to lose the words “always” and “never”; I will try to avoid catastrophizing; I will try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I am saying are really true.

• I will try not to always be right: Instead, I will try to stop looking at things as being “right” or “wrong” and that my opinions are always right and my partner’s are wrong; I will try to recognize that sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might need to agree to disagree.

• I will try not to read my partner’s mind: Instead, I will try to resist the idea that I “know” what my partner is thinking and that those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning motives to my partner’s actions – “You are only saying/doing this because…”; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my partner out.

• I will try not to deny the positive: Instead, I will try to refrain from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I dismiss the positive – for example, I will focus on the nine things that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive things as flukes – this will help me to eliminate those “Yeah, but….” responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.

• I will try not to forget to listen: Instead, I will try to listen carefully – don’t think about what I am going to say next while my partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay attention to his/her body language; I will try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

• I will try not to play the “Blame Game”: Instead, I will try to refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will try to avoid trying to “shame” my partner as being “at fault”; I will try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors – blaming myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for me.

• I will try not to always feel I need to “win”: Instead, I will try to come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs of both of us; Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both parties can be happy with.

• I will try not make character attacks: Instead, I will try to avoid calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don’t like his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips For Divorced Parents

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

For more advice on being a divorced father, take a look at this excellent book – written by fathers for fathers.

I painted my toenails last week.

At one time, I kept red polish on my toes – bright red, happy red. I had tried other colors, but kept coming back to red.

At one time, I sparkled.

But somehow, in this last year, as my 18-year marriage crumbled, cleaved, then ended, I lost my sparkle and I stopped painting my toes.

At first, it was just putting off the repair. I noticed a few chips on the edges and thought, ‘I need to fix that, ‘but never got to it. The chips got bigger and my toes now needed a full-out re-do. They needed to be stripped down to bareness, filed smooth, then lovingly repainted.

By summer, the nails themselves were raggedy, but I didn’t have the energy to lift an emery board, much less gather the polish remover, lotion and cotton balls.

In yoga class – the class I joined to learn to breathe in the year there was no breath – my chipped and sad toes mocked me. They shouted that I must be a failure because I couldn’t even keep my toes neat and presentable. I couldn’t hear it then, but there was another voice speaking softly, saying, ‘it’s okay, love your raggedy toes now and know you will be okay.’

As the months went by that voice did get louder and I was able to accept that I was a girl whose toes were no longer painted red. I could do downward dog without trying to avert my eyes from my toes and I soon found myself looking at polish colors in the drugstore aisle.

In October, I unearthed the toenail clipper and neatened things up. I stripped away the last of the red and left it at that. I wore patent leather shoes to court that day, but underneath the shine, my toes remained unfiled and naked.

The cold that came in during the last part of November made me keep socks on my feet almost all the time. They were thick, fleece socks – blue with polka dots – that muffled the cold snaking around my toes. I only caught a glimpse of them as I showered and dressed before I sought out that fleecy warmth and protection again.

A friend gave me perfumed lotion for Christmas, and after a moment of listening to the inner voice that loves me, I slather it on my feet and ankles, enjoying the luxury and softness. And finally, I dug out the polish. I gently filed and smoothed those nails, then put that polish on stroke by stroke.  My toes wiggled with contentment.

The polish is not fire engine red, but instead a soft, pearled pink.  It doesn’t sparkle, but it does glow. Today, I breathe again.

I may not make it to back to fire engine red, but I suspect one day, I may just try purple.

Author Bio: Robin Dake is a writer and photographer living in North Georgia. She holds a journalism degree from the University

POST-DIVORCE STRESS SYNDROME!!  This is the hardest part of divorce.  Figuring out the “What now?”  After all, you thought you had it all figured out, but then the child support check is always late, your ex doesn’t always take the kids on his or her weekends, and you are always left holding the bag.  You cry, you scream, you rail on the unfairness of being a single divorced parent and having to do it all.  But, isn’t this what you were singing about earlier that month?

What is Post-Divorce Stress Syndrome?  Well, it is a lot like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you can even compare it to Post-partum stress.  It’s the fall after the elation.  Is this a medical term?  I don’t think so.  It’s my term, and I will be used freely and often.  In fact, I encourage you to use it as well!

The papers have been signed, sealed and stamped by a Judge.  You are officially no longer a Mrs.  Your life seems to be ticking along nicely.  You have figured out this new sense of freedom…and then it happens.

The crash.

Or, post divorce stress syndrome.  You are alone.  You may be alone with kids, which just makes life ten times harder.  You start to worry if you can afford the house you so desperately had to have in the divorce.  The first set of bills comes in, and they are higher than you expected.  You are on call with your kids 24/7.  You have to cook, clean, drive the kids, make the lunches, do the laundry and work.  Your nails are ruined, your make up has run off, your credit cards start to add up, and your hair is stringy and greasy, because you can’t find time to take a shower.

Although Post Divorce Stress Syndrome might not be a real medical term, it is a real side affect of being divorced.  It involves stress, depression, trouble sleeping and lots of crying in the bathroom with the door locked.  How do you overcome it?

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

There is no quick fix for this.  It could involve counseling.  It could involve lots of bubble baths and me time.  It could involve taking long drives by yourself with your favorite CD playing in the background.  It could involve reading this blog and getting great tips and hints on how to overcome.

However you choose to master this syndrome, be assured it CAN be mastered and life WILL get better.

Are you suffering from Post Divorce Stress Syndrome?  What is the best way for you to deal with those stressful days when you think you just can’t do it anymore as a single person?

Bio:  Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Consultant and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles and founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life!

And, that is OK; it is alright to have all the feelings above and then some. I promise, you are not alone, there are many out there dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that comes along with it. Don’t get me wrong though, just because it is OK to feel sad is no reason to wallow in the sadness.

If there is ever a time of year to put aside life’s stress it is during the holiday season. How do you get yourself out of your funk? One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than festive.

It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.

You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t feeling the holiday season is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoy the holidays.

Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you feel a bit more of the holiday spirit.

1. Don’t wait until the last minute to set up the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Get all those plans made by the end of October. Set them in stone! Know when, where and who your children will be with for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then put that stress aside. Get it taken care of then let it go.

2. Don’t participate in any holiday activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!

3. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through the holiday season. Spend time with people who are invested in helping your get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.

4. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time.

Being alone doesn’t mean you can’t hang some ornaments on a tree. Or decorate the mantle. You don’t have to go all out and deck every hall but bringing out reminders of the fact that it is a “time to be jolly” will be doing yourself a favor.

I purchased scented candles and the holiday scents waffled through the house. I baked Snicker Doodles, took a bubble bath while listening to Emmylou Harris’s “Light of the Stable.” I then watched chick flicks from a bed with clean, crisp sheets and a plate of cookies and a glass of eggnog on the night stand. I missed my children but I took the opportunity to give myself the gift of relaxation and pampering instead of ruminating over the fact I was alone and not doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Stress and negative feelings during the holidays can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When the holidays finally arrive, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else, and relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. And whether you feel like it or not, you do have the ability to enjoy the holidays regardless of your situation.

I sit by the window and wait.  I wait for him to bring the children home.  He is always late and never early.  I sit and I wait every single time he has visitation.  He has no regard.  Not for my time or the children’s, just his own.  It is infuriating.

When the lights shine through the window, indicating that he has pulled into the drive, I walk to the door and mentally prepare myself for the barrage of talking, hugging and dogs barking.  Everyone is excited to be back in the nest.  And, that is when the fun begins.

Nine times out of ten, the children come home after 8 pm and have not had dinner, so they need to be fed.  Every single time they walk in the door, my ten year old daughter’s homework has not been done.  It has to be printed from the computer, and he does not have a printer that works. Eight times out of ten my six year old son has not studied for his test and his sister has done his homework for him, which means he has to then do it himself…at 8 o’clock at night.

I get everyone situated; seething with anger and resentment that he can take the children, but does not take the time to see that what needs to be done is done.  What are his concerns?  That my son has his yarmulke that he brought over to my house by accident and that it is returned.  Forget the fact that the spelling spiral book for school is lost in the depths of his house.  Forget the fact that I almost never get a belt back and sometimes shoes are lost, as well as jackets and minds.  As long as he gets back the yarmulke.

This is more common than not in divorced homes, where the children get shuttled back and forth.  I am not saying they should not spend an adequate amount of time with the other parent, but I am saying that the primary parent should have them during the week…all week.

I am saying that when a child is denied baseball practice, tennis matches, after school activities, play dates, a working computer for homework and no adult supervision those children should be with the parent that will take them to kick boxing, cheerleader practice, volleyball, birthday parties, have working electronics and serious supervision.

If every judge actually did what was truly in the best interest of the children, I bet there would be fewer women flying off the handle and running their ex spouses over with cars.  I’m just saying as I wait by the window.

Bio:  Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Consultant and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles and founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life!

I don’t’ remember when or how I found The Bunny Cage blog, but upon seeing the provocative photography of this self-styled Cindy Sherman of Wyoming, I started following Sara LeeAnn Banevedes. It was hard to believe someone so hip was living in a small town writing such interesting stories and taking such revealing photos of herself.

She was a sexy and obviously talented mom with a young daughter who lived with a cowboy husband who seemed to be ignoring her. I made “friends” with her on Facebook so I could follow her more closely.

This displaced Californian was a cancer survivor who, in her own words, “moved to Wyoming (with my now ex-husband) in order that my daughter might have a slower-paced life in the wide open spaces, near her paternal grandparents, where her daddy could prosper in business so her mommy could afford to stay home and care for every day.”

From reading her blog, seeing her Facebook posts and looking at her photos it became obvious that something was wrong in her world. Never having talked to her, all I had to go on was the internet evidence but was not surprised when she revealed she was getting a divorce.

Today she dropped a cyber bomb that surprised all her friends. She confessed a secret that as a divorce attorney I am all too familiar with: She admitted that almost a year ago she foolishly signed papers given to her by her husband’s divorce attorney, giving her husband sole custody of her daughter. She admitted, “I only see her four days a month. I see her every other weekend, and that’s all.”

When I read those words my heart dropped to my stomach. This child is the light of her mother’s life. All the stories, photos and Facebook posts about this miraculous child and the obvious bond between mother and child had come to this. Some hired gun had helped the client trick the mother into signing over custody so that it would be very difficult for the mother to come back to court later to ask for custody.

This is the danger of our adversarial system. When one side has money to hire the biggest shark in town and the other side doesn’t, the poor parent is going to get screwed.

I kept reading the story and sure enough, it was exactly what I had thought. Her own words tell the tale:

I’ve been living in a state of surrealist shock — like an acid trip, minus the euphoria, all dancing clowns and skeletons in the closet — since the day my ex-husband told me he ‘changed his mind’ and we won’t be sharing custody of our only child after all.

Months before John and I sat down with a bottle of wine and agreed divorce was the best option. We weren’t in love. In fact, he pretty much hated my free spirited, liberal attitude, my wanderlust, my tastes in music and art, the way I laugh with my head thrown back and cry when I watch the news. And I pretty much hated his conservatism, the way his cowboy boots sounded on my hardwood floor, his obsession with his pick-up truck, the way he wanted a bacon sandwich more than sex, and how he watched CNN from the breakfast table.

We had become ill-suited for each other, had accepted it, and were ready to move on. But, I’d been a cancer-survivor, stay-at-home mom on hiatus from any educational pursuits or work for 5 years, completely isolated out here in the middle nowhere with no family support and one friend. All the sudden I had to get myself a job, a place to live and an identity outside of him.

And I did. FAST. It took me six months to get myself together. He promised as soon as I secured a living environment that was comparable to his — in a safe neighborhood where Beau had her own space — that we would share custody of her week-to-week. He told me to sign the custody agreement his lawyer drew up (because it was just for financial purposes that he was named the sole custodian — that way he would be responsible for the legal fees of the divorce and have to carry health insurance for Beau, etc.)

I did everything he asked. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. And essentially, he told me, “Fake, just kidding. We’re going to go ahead and follow that bogus legal agreement you signed, sucker. You get every other weekend and alternating holidays until she’s 18.”

Let’s be real. I think he and his family were hoping I would pack my shit and go back home to California, or slit my wrists. Which, with no familial support, one friend, no money, lovely genetic makeup, gypsy spirit and history for dramatic exists weren’t all that far fetched. N’cest pas?”

This is just another travesty of justice perpetrated by a shark divorce lawyer who saw the opportunity to get an advantage over the “adversary” instead of trying to help a young couple set up a fair parenting plan that took the child’s best interest into consideration. This little girl has been taken care of by her mom for her entire life.

To disrupt a child’s sense of security by severely limiting contact with her primary physical custodian is monstrous. It is despicable that one parent would induce a parent to sign away custody with the promise that they would get 50/50 custody later and then snake out of the deal because their lawyer had conveniently omitted that part of the agreement in the court order. And this is a common situation.

Until couples protect their co-parenting relationship by avoiding these kinds of adversarial divorce attorneys, more children’s lives will be ruined, more couples will end up broke and angry. It is time everyone got on the Peaceful Divorce bandwagon. By working together and keeping the focus on the child’s best interest, couples can spend their money on their child and not their divorce attorney’s child. It is high time we put these kinds of legal dinosaurs out to pasture and embraced a more humane attitude and procedures for divorcing couples.

Author Bio:

Belinda Etezad Rachman, Esq. has been a family law attorney in Southern California since graduating from the University of San Diego School of Law in 1996. She also holds a Masters in Special Education from New York University, specializing in teaching severely emotionally disturbed children. She taught in New York City and Southern California before becoming a lawyer. After eight years of traditional legal experience Ms. Rachman has done nothing but divorce mediation for the past 6 years with 100% success rate with over 250 couples. For more information to see if divorce mediation is an option in your case go to http://www.divorce-inaday.com

My children have been at their father’s for the past week and don’t come home until Sunday. This is unusual in itself, because he hasn’t had them for longer than a week for the past 2 years. Why am I telling you this?

I am so lonely and bored! My dog is at the trainers…my kids are at their fathers…my new husband is traveling. What fills my weeks when the kids are home seems to have disappeared. I wander around the house thinking of what I can organize, clean, utilize, materialize, deodorize and then wander back to the computer.  I have cleaned out and up every nook and cranny of this house. I have organized and reorganized. I still have until Sunday to keep busy.

This is the double edged sword that most divorced parents are afraid to talk about, especially the primary caregiver.  Carrying the majority of the load of raising your children is exhausting.  There are times you want to pull out your hair, or get a Brazilian bikini wax instead of hearing, “Mommy can I…” one more time.

Let’s be honest, sometimes you can’t wait for the kids to go to the other parent so you can have some peace and quiet for a change.  It isn’t the same for a two parent household.  Even though they have the kids full time all the time, there is usually a second set of hands to put the straw in the juice box while turning on the shower and helping with homework all the while making dinner.

And, when you finally do have that peace and quiet, what happens?  You are lonely.  Remember when you were young and your parents farmed you out every summer to camp?  I used to think my parents would run around the house naked and have sex on every conceivable surface while partying all night long.  How wrong I was.  They probably went about their everyday lives and organized in the peace and quiet.  Are married parents as lonely when they send their kids away as divorced parents are when their kids have to go for visitation?

For all the parents out there….being without your kids is the pits. Enjoy the dirty dishes, the spills and messes and the clean ups. Enjoy the arguing, the fighting and the he said/she said or he touched me’s. Enjoy the blaring of the TV, computer and video games. Enjoy the Mommy Mommy Mommy. Enjoy it all, because when they are gone, the silence that you long for can be stifling.

Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Coach and author, is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life.  You can find her writing on her own site The Post-Divorce Chronicles or on The Huffington Post.  You can also follow her on Twitter or Facebook .