Question:

I am divorced and my ex-husband and I have a daughter. I have been remarried for 3 years. My husband is also divorced but without any children of his own. When divorce papers were drawn it stated that I have full custody with my ex having once a month weekend visitation at his parents’ home. That was 5 years ago. My ex has recently asked if he could have our daughter for the Easter weekend. My, selfish, initial response is NO but I understand that he wants to try and finally step up and make memories with her. My now husband is completely against her going during Easter and told me he would be very upset if I let her go. My parents and sister HATE my ex-husband and don’t think I should let her go. Can you give me some kind of advice or guidance? I am stressed out over this!!

Answer:

I can’t give advice without knowing the “story.” So, let me put it this way…if your ex-husband, the father of your child does not have a history of domestic abuse, does not have a history of endangering his daughter then he should be allowed extended visits with her. If you are 100% sure that your daughter is safe with her father then you have no reason to deny him the opportunity to spend Easter with his child.

As for your present husband and your family, they have no say in this situation and you should NOT allow them to influence your decision making. Your ex-husband is your child’s biological father. His needs and desires where his child is concerned are more important than the needs and desires of her step-father, aunt or grandmother. You need to let them know that your daughter having a relationship with her father is more important than how they feel about the situation.

Bottom line, this is a problem that should be dealt with between you and your ex-husband. No one else should have a say or be given the impression that they have a right to an opinion. If others tell you they will be upset you need to remind them that they have no legal or moral right to be upset when it comes to how you handle you and your ex deal with what is best for his and your daughter.

My best,
Cathy

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The following is information about managing family stress. It’s from Debbie Lorence, University of Louisville’s Kentucky Autism Training Center, who gave a handout that I thought may help:

Magical thinking and conflict resolution:

• I will try not to avoid conflict altogether: Instead, I will try to not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my partner doesn’t want to discuss the matter immediately

• I will try not become defensive: Instead, I will try to listen and hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner’s complaints with objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain calm and in control of my emotions.

• I will try not to over generalize: Instead, I will try to lose the words “always” and “never”; I will try to avoid catastrophizing; I will try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I am saying are really true.

• I will try not to always be right: Instead, I will try to stop looking at things as being “right” or “wrong” and that my opinions are always right and my partner’s are wrong; I will try to recognize that sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might need to agree to disagree.

• I will try not to read my partner’s mind: Instead, I will try to resist the idea that I “know” what my partner is thinking and that those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning motives to my partner’s actions – “You are only saying/doing this because…”; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my partner out.

• I will try not to deny the positive: Instead, I will try to refrain from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I dismiss the positive – for example, I will focus on the nine things that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive things as flukes – this will help me to eliminate those “Yeah, but….” responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.

• I will try not to forget to listen: Instead, I will try to listen carefully – don’t think about what I am going to say next while my partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay attention to his/her body language; I will try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

• I will try not to play the “Blame Game”: Instead, I will try to refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will try to avoid trying to “shame” my partner as being “at fault”; I will try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors – blaming myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for me.

• I will try not to always feel I need to “win”: Instead, I will try to come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs of both of us; Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both parties can be happy with.

• I will try not make character attacks: Instead, I will try to avoid calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don’t like his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips For Divorced Parents

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

For more advice on being a divorced father, take a look at this excellent book – written by fathers for fathers.

My question relates to my Ex’s boyfriend. After a rough separation/ Divorce (her idea -  final in 8/10; married for 12 yrs), she has been dating a guy for a few months and against my wishes -introduced him to our 2 Sons ( 6,and 11) in October. Anything I say falls on deaf ears . She really involved him during the holidays — he bought a gift on behalf of the kids to give to her as well as bought them gifts for Christmas. All this feels a little fast and I feel at a loss to deal with it .I have not met him and not looking forward to interacting with him at little league baseball games that start soon. Any suggestions ?

Answer:

The first thing I’m curious about after reading your email is how your boys feel about the new boyfriend. I know how you feel but I think more important than that is how they feel. Are they comfortable around him? Do they like him and spending time with him? If so, then that is all that matters isn’t it?

I can understand your feelings and am not trying to dismiss them. I shudder to think how I would have felt if my ex had introduced my boys to a new girlfriend so shortly after our divorce was final. It would have been painful and of course, I would have been concerned about how it would affect them. I fully understand where you are coming from!

I suggest you follow your boy’s lead. If they appear to have no problem with the new boyfriend then you have the ACT as if you have no problem. At times us parents have to pretend like all is well to keep our children feeling emotionally comforted. So, I suggest you do as your boys do in this situation. If they are happy then you be happy or at least act as if you are happy.

On the other hand, if this situation with the new boyfriend seems to be causing your boys distress then you should consider talking to your divorce attorney. It is common for divorcing couples to have a clause included in their final divorce decree stating that neither parent is to introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend to the children for a certain period of time. Since this isn’t a clause you already have in your decree you could have an attorney petition the court to modify the final decree to add  such a clause.

Be warned though, doing that will only cause conflict between you and your ex and that may be more distressing to your boys than the role the new boyfriend is playing in their lives. You have to weigh your options. In the end it may be best for your boys if you suck it up and put up with the boyfriend. If he is respectful, caring and kind to your boys they will be OK with him and like I said before, their feelings are the one’s to consider most, am I not right?

My best,
Cathy

Having trouble coping? Unable to let go? Need help moving on? Get answers to your questions from certified Divorce Coach/Consultant Cathy Meyer. Ask the Divorce Coach

I sit by the window and wait.  I wait for him to bring the children home.  He is always late and never early.  I sit and I wait every single time he has visitation.  He has no regard.  Not for my time or the children’s, just his own.  It is infuriating.

When the lights shine through the window, indicating that he has pulled into the drive, I walk to the door and mentally prepare myself for the barrage of talking, hugging and dogs barking.  Everyone is excited to be back in the nest.  And, that is when the fun begins.

Nine times out of ten, the children come home after 8 pm and have not had dinner, so they need to be fed.  Every single time they walk in the door, my ten year old daughter’s homework has not been done.  It has to be printed from the computer, and he does not have a printer that works. Eight times out of ten my six year old son has not studied for his test and his sister has done his homework for him, which means he has to then do it himself…at 8 o’clock at night.

I get everyone situated; seething with anger and resentment that he can take the children, but does not take the time to see that what needs to be done is done.  What are his concerns?  That my son has his yarmulke that he brought over to my house by accident and that it is returned.  Forget the fact that the spelling spiral book for school is lost in the depths of his house.  Forget the fact that I almost never get a belt back and sometimes shoes are lost, as well as jackets and minds.  As long as he gets back the yarmulke.

This is more common than not in divorced homes, where the children get shuttled back and forth.  I am not saying they should not spend an adequate amount of time with the other parent, but I am saying that the primary parent should have them during the week…all week.

I am saying that when a child is denied baseball practice, tennis matches, after school activities, play dates, a working computer for homework and no adult supervision those children should be with the parent that will take them to kick boxing, cheerleader practice, volleyball, birthday parties, have working electronics and serious supervision.

If every judge actually did what was truly in the best interest of the children, I bet there would be fewer women flying off the handle and running their ex spouses over with cars.  I’m just saying as I wait by the window.

Bio:  Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Consultant and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles and founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life!

1. Listen carefully. Now is the time to make an extra effort to put down the paper or turn off the TV when the kids want to talk.

2. Honesty counts. During the divorce, don’t make up stories about why ‘daddy is away.’ Lies, even if you think they will protect the kids, are not a good foundation for the change in your family.

3. Don’t’ forget about you. If you feel better, you’ll be better with your kids during this challenging period. Get lots of exercise and spend time with caring friends and family.

4. Ask your child about friends who have divorced parents. This is a good icebreaker to get them talking and learn their fears and feelings about divorce. Then you can answer them and focus on what’s most important to them.

5. Consider children’s books about divorce. You might not have the vocabulary to talk about divorce or find it awkward when it’s so personal. Children’s books are a good way to open up dialogue with littler children.

6. Don’t blame your kids, or let them think in any way that they are to blame. Most kids will feel this anyway.

7. Be sensitive to your child’s vulnerability at this time. Over-sized fears of monsters or robbers are common during this time. Make sure you also reassure your kids that you will always be there to support them and that means home, food, and security. That might seem silly to you, but it is very important for a child who may obsess over things they have heard or imagine about divorce.

8. Be aware that it’s normal for kids to want their parents to get back together again. You may have to hear about this fantasy for many years. Do not indulge the fantasy, but make sure they do not feel ashamed or silly for wishing that it could be true.

9. Allow your kids to express their feelings. They may be mad or sad. It’s important that they know this is okay.

10. Don’t put your child in the middle of anything between you and your ex-wife. Don’t ask your child to spy. Don’t say hateful things about your ex-wife. Don’t have your child act as a messenger to your wife. Neglecting this can be very harmful for the child since they need to love both parents and should not have to choose sides.

As a new dad, Paul Banas became very aware that many dads today are more involved in parenting but have limited resources from a man’s point of view from which to better understand the challenges of their changing role. Thus, GreatDad.com was born.  GreatDad.com enables all dads-working, stay-at-home, single, gay, domestic partners, and more – to find ways to be involved and understand how dads are functioning as parents today.

Paul brings more than 25 years of marketing and business development experience from companies such as Unilever, Visa International, Alibris.com, and most recently Yahoo!. He is a member of the Marketing Executives Networking Group (MENG) and former President and founder of the Bay Area International Advertising Association.  He also serves on the Advisory Board of Pregnancy Magazine where he is a monthly contributing editor.

A published author of fictional short stories, he resides in San Francisco with his wife and two children.

For more excellent advice go get this book – it will save you many frustrations I promise.

There is a boundary between generations which is called the Intergenerational Boundary. This is a fundamental truism that I operate on when I see a family. Parents need to know what to share with their children and what they should keep to themselves.

Oftentimes after a divorce, or even after a big marital fight you’re depressed, sad, or angry. And who’s around? Your children – they’re soft, pliable, loving, they’ll listen and they’ll be there, but sometimes they just shouldn’t hear what you have to say.

It’s very easy to break the boundary and count on your son or daughter. You may count on them as a substitute spouse, friend, or even worse, a therapist.

Another way that this boundary can be broken is if you’re so angry at your ex that you want everyone around you, including your children to know what a jerk he has been. Do they need to know this? It may give you pleasure and you may even feel at ease after getting it all off your chest, but to poison a child’s thoughts of their father or mother may have major affects down the road. Just because he wasn’t the best husband doesn’t mean he can’t be a good father.

Children need to figure out for themselves what their relationship with their parents is. After 10, 20, or 30 years, they’ll get it straight. If you deceive them and put your feelings onto them, not only will they lose out, but they may blame you as well. Hearing words like “how dare you deprive me of this?” is probably not an experience that you want to have.

The Intergenerational Boundary is a line in the sand. Respect it, so by and large your kids will do better, and so will you.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children. Order your copy today!

As a child of divorce (my parents divorced when I was four), I can personally say that divorce can be, or maybe always is, hardest on the kids. It should be a decision of last resort when kids are involved and very clearly the “least bad” of your options in a bad marriage.

That said, it does occur and divorced dads have special challenges.

Divorced dads have a lot to prove since they will likely take at least half the blame for the break up of the family. If you’re a divorced dad, you are also likely to have lost custody of your kids. You’re less present for them everyday and need to make the most of your time with your kids.

Divorced dads should follow all the tips for regular dads, but should be especially attentive to these:

1.  Never date or marry any woman who wants to put herself ahead of your kids. It doesn’t matter how pretty, sexy, wealthy, intelligent, funny or seemingly caring she is. When you had kids, you made a covenant to put them ahead of everything. When all else fades, your relationship with them will be the strongest love of your life.

2. Never compare siblings. This goes doubly for stepbrothers and sisters. If you compare them for any reason, at almost any age, you give your own children a reason to doubt your love for them.

3. Make twice the effort to be at every game, school play, and birthday.

4. A corollary to #3, move or stay wherever your kids live. Other places may beckon but your place is close to your family.

5. Never discuss your ex-wife. This last might be especially difficult given the circumstances for your divorce. However, no matter how great the joy may be in the moment to say something negative about your ex-spouse, you will gain nothing from it in the long run. If your spouse is as bad as you say, it will be obvious to the kids. If not, they will hold it against you.

As a new dad, Paul Banas became very aware that many dads today are more involved in parenting but have limited resources from a man’s point of view from which to better understand the challenges of their changing role. Thus, GreatDad.com was born.  GreatDad.com enables all dads-working, stay-at-home, single, gay, domestic partners, and more – to find ways to be involved and understand how dads are functioning as parents today.

Paul brings more than 25 years of marketing and business development experience from companies such as Unilever, Visa International, Alibris.com, and most recently Yahoo!. He is a member of the Marketing Executives Networking Group (MENG) and former President and founder of the Bay Area International Advertising Association.  He also serves on the Advisory Board of Pregnancy Magazine where he is a monthly contributing editor.

A published author of fictional short stories, he resides in San Francisco with his wife and two children.


How to be a great divorced father.

You and your new spouse/boyfriend are wondering what to do about a vacation… 

Do you have the fantastic idea of taking your newly blended family on a three-week car ride all around the United States?

Uh oh… maybe you haven’t thought this through.                       

Your spouse/boyfriend is asking if maybe we should just take separate vacations.

Nope – that’s not the answer either! 

Keep it Simple

So- it is really wrong to take a 3 week car ride all over the United States?  No, not really.  If your blended family has been together for over a year or two, the kids are small, or you have a large recreational vehicle- then it sounds like a wonderful adventure.  But, if you’re just starting out, as a new blended family, I don’t recommend it.  That’s too close quarters and a lot of patience for adults and children to have for such a long amount of time. 

Keep it Fair

Taking vacations separately is not completely wrong either, just a little difficult.  When families blend in a new marriage, the kids are watching to see if everyone is going to be treated the same.  The kids may expect to receive special treatment from their biological parent, but this sort of behavior just leads to parental conflicts and a sense of instability, insecurity and uncertainty in your household.  I don’t recommend separate vacations except under certain circumstances:

•  The school breaks are different (i.e. Spring Break) and the kids are out at different times.  Take each group of kids on similar vacations, but at different times.
•  You want to take one child on a vacation, alone, to celebrate an accomplishment (i.e. graduation from High School or College.) 

This is fine, but realize that the other kids are already anticipating their trip! 

Keep it Short

The best vacations for a newly blended family are weekend getaways, but not more than 3-4 nights.  These are trial adventures, for your family to get to know each other.  Examples of these types of trips:

Weekend in the mountains

Weekend at the beach

Weekend at a historical city/location

3-4 night cruise

Keys to Success

You don’t always have to stay together, the entire weekend as a blended family.  But, as your children are watching, mix it up a bit.  Let older teenagers take younger children on a short outing, while the adults have some time alone.  Split up with your biological children for a couple of hours, but make sure you do similar/equal activities.  Or, husband takes the boys and wife takes the girls on separate outings. 

Keep a record of the event

Take informal, candid photos of your group.  Every now and then, when things are going well, take some group shots.  When you get home, put these photos in a family album or scrapbook, and also your favorite photo on the wall or counter- for all to see and remember. This excerpt was taken from Shirley Cress Dudley’s ebook, Fun Blended Family Vacations.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Other articles:

Turning The Ex Against The Kids

Why Did My Dad (Or Mom) Remarry & Get A Step Family?

Surviving The First 90 Days In A Bended Family

Father’s right activists have been attempting to have Parental Alienation Disorder added to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), the American Psychiatric Association’s “bible” of diagnoses.

The National Organization for Women learned about the effort and is concerned. They have now sent out an Action Alert to counter the campaign. According to NOW’s Tracy Simmons:

I am writing you, the leaders of various groups that represent battered women, for your help in one of the most important matters we will address this year. The American Psychiatric Association is considering adding Parental Alienation to the Diagnosticians book, which would legitimize this legal tactic into a real disorder.

Parental Alienation Syndrome has now morphed into Parental Alienation Disorder thanks to the fathers’ rights organizations who are wildly pushing this through, and why wouldn’t they? It benefits the abuser and discriminates against the victims of abuse, which are overwhelmingly women.

This gender specific, abuse excuse, junk science can not be allowed to enter into the scientific community as there is nothing scientific about a syndrome/disorder whose only symptoms are a uterus, divorce papers, and bruises. I ask that you all to take action against legitimizing this outrageous theory by e-mailing the APA and asking your groups to do the same.

Although I doubt Tracy cares, I’ve a response to her concerns.

1. Why the hell does now push the agenda that most divorced women are victims of domestic abuse? NOW is an organization that I thought promoted independence and equal rights. How can any woman feel independent and equal to a man if she is taught to be the victim and that is what NOW does, they encourage women to become victims.

Some insights for Tracy on divorce. Most divorces are filed by women. Not because those women were victims of domestic abuse but because those women want out of unhappy marriages. Yep, some were victims, some were cheated on most though, they are quitters who have a romanticized idea of what marriage is. They are off out there looking for the “night in shining armor” and while doing so feel they have ownership over their children.

2. Most men who are victims of Parental Alienation are not abusers. They are fathers, good fathers who are dealing with women who use their children as a negotiating tool. They are fathers, faced with the up hill battle of trying to convince some family court judge that they, as a parent have as much right to parent as the mother of their children.

NOW has fought hard for the rights of abused women why not take your head out of your butt and take a look around at reality. Parental Alienation is a form of abuse and women are more likely to attempt to alienate a child from the father than fathers are from the mother. In this case, NOW isn’t speaking out for the victim, instead they are working to protect the abuser. You want to stop the discrimination against the abused, get behind this attempt to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder in the DSM-V.

3. Only someone who has never been a victim of Parental Alienation would refer to it as “junk science.” Although most perpetrators of Parental Alienation are women, some men are also guilty of attempting to alienate a child from a parent.

Take my ex for example. His children are objects to him; objects he wants nothing to do with unless he feels he has full ownership of said object. My son spent 10 months in his custody. During those 10 months, my ex defied the court order pertaining to communication and visitation.

He had my son’s cell phone turned off and purchased a new phone with a new number. A number he refused to give to me. My son was told he was to NEVER answer the home phone. Guess who had no way of communicating weekly with her son, even though the court order gave me that privilege.

My ex was court ordered to share with me all medical information. He refused, going as far as not contacting me when my son spent a week in the hospital. Something I knew nothing about until after the fact and then he did everything in his power to keep me from getting medical records from the doctors who cared for my son.

NOW has a skewed view of divorce and what takes place before, during and after a divorce. They also have a skewed view of what equality actually is. Equality is about ALL PEOPLE being treated equally…especially the children.

When it comes to Parental Alienation the focus should not be on the abuser or the victim, it should be on the children who have the right to equal time with both Mom and Dad. That won’t happen until Parental Alienation is viewed by the Family Court System as a recognized psychiatric disorder.

And believe it or not that happening has nothing to do with whether or not you have a uterus or have been a victim of domestic abuse. Most mothers put their children’s needs first. Most fathers do the same. Those who are victims of the mother and father who doesn’t, need to be armed with ammunition to fight back. Thanks to these Father’s Rights groups hopefully we will soon have that ammunition.

If you are interested in support the effort to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder click here.