Cases like these are the cancer of divorce.

Sometimes I think that the work of experts on divorce is really akin to oncologists who work with cancers of all types.  Some are curable, some require intensive treatment and have a good outcome and sometimes the cancer is so aggressive that all you can do is help the patient cope.

It is inevitable –whenever I touch upon almost any subject regarding divorce, whether its child support, money, or what truth is too much truth, I will hear of cases where it is obvious that whatever can be done is simply not enough. Some marriages die a terrible death.

What one disturbed parent can do to children and to an ex that he or she once loved is often hard to believe. It is a sad fact that most kidnappings in the United States occur in the context of divorce – and violence is not uncommon. The courts and the criminal justice system are overwhelmed and not a fine honed tool. Police arrive and sometimes arrest the wrong parent.

Child protection laws sometimes protect, but they are also used by manipulative parents to gain advantage in court by falsely accusing an ex in order to gain leverage over the kids and child support money.  Judges are only human, and have too many difficult cases to handle.

My heart breaks for the children that are subject to these horrors. Lying, promiscuity and adultery are, in my opinion, small things in comparison to no food, no electricity, living in shelters and violence (both physical and verbal). The former is how relationships can fall apart in bad ways. The latter is about whether or not the man (or woman) has the sense of duty to make things right even if he (or she) did something terribly wrong.

So often in divorce, people act out. They can be angry and self righteous or sometimes just feel free for the first time in decades and become the adult equivalent to acting out teenagers. Inevitably, the children are injured, not by the divorce itself, but by how it is handled.

So, what can be done?

If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a story which is largely not of your own making. You have to respond to an ex spouse who just wants to win – and at all costs.

What you do have control over here is your own sanity, and the innocent ears of your precious children. Therapy is really a must. All the outrage must be mobilized productively, and all the hurt and fear needs to be soothed. Children rarely benefit from an angry parent, even if he or she is justified.

You make hundreds of decisions everyday that can impact your kids and, hard as it is to believe, you may have some leverage with your ex if you don’t fall into his traps. For instance, if you are angry and spout off time and again, your home can become a frightening place for your kids.

Or, on the other hand, they may identify with your temper and act out in school as bullies – it happens and I have seen it. And if you are so angry that you provoke a fight in public with your ex, he can use it against you in court to show how “unstable” you are. I have seen this too. You don’t want to give him this kind of power.

A therapist will help you grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you held dear, including a sense that the world is fair. It all has to go, because children need a stable and realistic parent to help show them the way back to sanity.

When speaking about being realistic, in dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and still co parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on him as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police.

You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you’re not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center.  No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child’s therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent.

On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated.

It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot. It is the best medicine that we have.

Author Bio: Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

Dealing with someone who handles life’s problems in a passive aggressive way is much like dealing with a defiant teenager. You must be direct and straight to the point at all times. The passive aggressive knows how to push buttons so, it’s important for you not react and play his game. One major problem with dealing with a passive aggressive is unrealistic expectations as far as him changing. This might cause you to demand more than he can or is willing to give. You have to stay realistic in your expectations. Change what you can and learn to live with the rest if you choose to stay in the marriage.

Setting Limits With Passive Aggressive Behavior:

• Set firm limits as far as what you will and will not tolerate and then stick to them.

• When communicating with the passive aggressive do not do it in a defensive way. Use messages that begin with “I” when expressing feelings of disappointment.

• Don’t protect the passive aggressive from your unhappy feelings but be sure to communicate those feelings to him in a way that will keep him from withdrawing further.

• Never accept excuses for his passive aggressive behavior.

• Don’t buy into the “I forgot” excuse. If the passive aggressive “forgets” an important date and leaves you in a lurch tell him it was his choice to “forget” and how his choice hurts you. Remind him that he never has a problem remembering dates and activities that are important to him and give him examples of times you have gone out of your way to show value toward a date or activity that was important to him.

• Choose your fights wisely. Being involved with the passive aggressive man you have learned that 9 times out of 10 he is going to avoid anything he views as conflict. This is not only destructive to him but the health of the relationship also. You should all choose our fights wisely BUT should never shy away from confrontation over big issues in the relationship. When you do this, you are playing into his neurotic needs and giving him the opportunity to point a finger at you and call you crazy when you eventually do blow your top over some small issue.

• Rules need to be set between you and the passive aggressive when arguing or discussing an issue. No abusive language, stick to the subject at hand, don’t get off track and start bring up the past. Take time out to cool off if things become too heated and then return to the discussion.

• Encourage him to make choices and you will be helping to build his confidence. When it is time to go to a movie or out to eat, tell him you want him to choose the movie or restaurant. If he refuses to follow through and uses the “I can’t” excuse remind, him that what he really means is he won’t because he resents you asking. Ask him to be more honest, to stop making excuses, and to just tell you that he doesn’t want to do what you ask him to do. There is no harm in pointing out his lack of effort and telling him that if he doesn’t start carrying his weight in the relationship, even if it is something as simple as choosing a movie you are going to stop asking for his input. If he refuses to take more of a leading role then you will have to start asking for only what you absolutely need from him.

• Don’t allow him to play the victim The passive aggressive loves to play the poor, poor me guy in hopes that you will feel sorry for him and not bring up their negative actions. It’s a powerful tool he uses to get out of accepting responsibility for his part in the relationship. The sad thing is, it is directly tied to his lack of confidence and a fear of not being able to hold up his end of the relationship. It’s important to praise him often in areas that he does do well in and to stress how committed you are to the relationship. His actions show a great depth of dependence upon you and fear of abandonment by you. Try to get him to discuss his fears by pointing out to him that anyone views themselves as a victim must be afraid of something.

• Point out every time he tries to control you with his anger. The passive aggressive expresses anger by withdrawing, being sarcastic, using intimidation, withholding affection and love and, in some cases physical violence.

Consequences for passive aggressive behavior must be stated and carried through if they refuse to take responsibility in the relationship. If, in the end, he is unwilling to make changes to his negative behavior, don’t take it personally. It is learned behavior that he uses to avoid confrontation and he may have an obstinate need to hold onto that behavior and the fears that come along with it.

Join the New DWO Community!

Is your life good, are you thankful, playful, do you embrace joy? If so, join the Divorced Women Online Community and give advice and support to those who are new to life after divorce.

Are you struggling to rebuilt your life, are you feeling hopeless and unsure where to go from here? If so, JOIN NOW and connect with others who are walking the same path and learn from those who have, “been there, done that.”

Question:

I am divorced and my ex-husband and I have a daughter. I have been remarried for 3 years. My husband is also divorced but without any children of his own. When divorce papers were drawn it stated that I have full custody with my ex having once a month weekend visitation at his parents’ home. That was 5 years ago. My ex has recently asked if he could have our daughter for the Easter weekend. My, selfish, initial response is NO but I understand that he wants to try and finally step up and make memories with her. My now husband is completely against her going during Easter and told me he would be very upset if I let her go. My parents and sister HATE my ex-husband and don’t think I should let her go. Can you give me some kind of advice or guidance? I am stressed out over this!!

Answer:

I can’t give advice without knowing the “story.” So, let me put it this way…if your ex-husband, the father of your child does not have a history of domestic abuse, does not have a history of endangering his daughter then he should be allowed extended visits with her. If you are 100% sure that your daughter is safe with her father then you have no reason to deny him the opportunity to spend Easter with his child.

As for your present husband and your family, they have no say in this situation and you should NOT allow them to influence your decision making. Your ex-husband is your child’s biological father. His needs and desires where his child is concerned are more important than the needs and desires of her step-father, aunt or grandmother. You need to let them know that your daughter having a relationship with her father is more important than how they feel about the situation.

Bottom line, this is a problem that should be dealt with between you and your ex-husband. No one else should have a say or be given the impression that they have a right to an opinion. If others tell you they will be upset you need to remind them that they have no legal or moral right to be upset when it comes to how you handle you and your ex deal with what is best for his and your daughter.

My best,
Cathy

Please cast your vote, and let us know what you think:

Can you imagine a world where your ex has access to the things you do and knowledge of your personal experiences? A world where there is no stopping a sociopathic stalker from inserting themselves into your lives? A world of gross misinterpretation and perceived righteousness?

I can, because it is the world we are living in today.

Everyone is different, but when both my current husband and I separated and then divorced our previous spouses, the last thing we wanted was interaction with them. We had both moved on, and our new lives were just that–”OUR” new lives. Not lives that we wished to share with our past and our exes. So you can imagine the shock I felt when both of our exes had begun googling us, and worse yet, conspiring together to see what we were doing. The first time we realized this was happening was shortly after we had become engaged.

My husband and I were planning a wedding that was not only out of town for us but for the majority of our wedding guests. We had created a website for our guests in order to be able to communicate information to everyone quickly and efficiently. It was the setting for people to find hotels to stay in, directions, and a few random fun things. It was intended to be accessed only by our friends and family and I never considered the fact that you could google my name and find it. Plus who would do that, oh that’s right, nosey people. It would have been unfortunate enough to know that they were googling our names and reading our private information, but they were also sharing it with friends and posting spiteful comments on the pages. Then taking it a step further they made plans (jokingly of course, so they say) to come to our wedding and ruin it. It was frustrating to say the least.

Then my ex made a statement in passing about some comment that he saw online by my sister on our wedding announcement. This was an announcement that was placed in the local newspaper and at that time I had not even viewed it online. For my ex to have seen it (no reason he should have known about it), and to have brought it up to me, personally I think that is a little creepy.

That was the beginning of our online problems with our exes. It went way past the point of curiosity. Terrible things were being said, comments being made to family and friends, links set up and attached to our work, name calling, the list to date is endless. All of this stemming from the fact that they are going online and searching for us. (If you haven’t before, when you get a chance try googling yourself and you’ll be amazed to see what is readily available for anyone and everyone.) When I have searched for myself I have found nothing there I would not share with others. However, personally I would prefer that our exes live their own lives and stop snooping into ours.

However, like I said in my last post, participating in social networking and being involved with things on the Internet is a choice. It is a choice my husband and I have made and one we continue to choose. Therefore, we have to understand that by making this decision we technically have to provide this kind of access. However, not everyone makes that choice.

So what can you do to keep your exes from accessing you online?

1) Private your profiles. Facebook specifically has privacy control settings that allow you to control how much others people can see, though in many cases the default setting is for your profile to be completely public. Make sure all of your settings are set to friends only. Mashable.com provides a complete comprehensive list and instructions on privacy setting for Facebook.

2) Block unwanted people. I think by now most Facebook users know about the block function. By blocking unwanted people–such as exes–you remove their ability to see anything at all (Facebook-related of course) that you have written, posted, etc. This can be an excellent way to prevent most intruders.

3) Delete mutual friends. This is difficult, and it can be a tough decision to delete people you consider to be friends. However, you will continue to allow your ex access by maintaining friendships on social networks with people who are also friends with your ex. Maybe not directly, but they can still ask friends to check up on you and give them information. They can still log on as your mutual friend (assuming the friend gave them access) and see your profile. Sometimes, your friends just accidentally share information. It is a common but unfortunate situation that happens when couples split and acquaintances that knew both of you now have to try to maintain separate but equal relationships with each of you. However, it is reasonable to assume that if you are true friends you don’t need social networks to maintain the relationship, so why even allow for the opportunity to present itself. Recently I shared a little of my Facebook nightmare, which included deleting friends, in my post entitled, ”Facebook and Other Social Networking Nightmares.”

4) Don’t post things online in your real name. This one is almost impossible to avoid for those of us who use the Internet for more than just socializing. However, try your best to use a different name anytime that you post a comment or anything online. Once you post items and you attach your name to them, you can be found with virtually any search engine such as Yahoo or Google.

5) Do not sign up for social networking sites that do not offer privacy options. Twitter is a social networking site built on the idea that you want to share things with the world. Therefore, a site like Twitter does not have the same privacy options as a site like Facebook. You can set up minimal privacy but not enough to keep people away who are desperate see you.

There are no guarantees that a person who is desperate enough will not find some items tied to you online, but these actions will prevent most.

***For the record, I believe my ex has moved on in life and no longer partakes in googling me. At least I hope that’s the case.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her whole life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

I read with interest an article by Susan Pease Gadoua over at The Huffington Post about the differences between men and women when it comes to working through conflict or distance in a relationship.

I get a wee bit frustrated when I read articles filled with assumptions written by experts. When will experts stop lying to us and perpetuating untruths or societal beliefs that are just not true? According to Ms. Gadoua:

“When straight couples have a fight or experience a rift in their relationship, women want to talk things out and perhaps make love later (when they feel more connected); men want to connect by making love and (maybe) talking later.

One husband told me recently that he thinks that the problems he and his wife were having would all be solved by going away for a long, sex-filled weekend. His wife saw this idea as nothing more than a superficial quick-fix.”

Where is the lie in the above quote? It’s the men want to do this and the women want to do that statements. Especially when it comes to sex. There is a belief held by most that all men are interested in sex. That sex is their first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening.

An estimated 20 million marriages in the U.S. are without physical passion. Framed differently, 15 percent to 20 percent of American couples have sex 10 times per year or less. Such issues are rarely one-sided. Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally.

What has this got to do with anything? It’s about the fact that when we hear about a sexless marriage we normally think some wife is withholding sex from her husband. As the above statement says though, withholding is equal opportunity and many women out there are blaming themselves for their husband’s lack of sexual appetite.

When finding herself in a sexless marriage a wife can feel confused and hurt over what she feels is irrational behavior from her husband. We learn from an early age that men want sex…period. What we women need to know is that, according to He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore 44% of men surveyed expressed a lack of interest in sex in general. Not just a lack of interest in sex with their wives but with anyone at all.

I think a better view of the issue would be to say that SOME women want to talk about marital problems and have sex later and SOME men don’t want to talk OR have sex. It’s time to get real with women about SOME men.

Cathy,

I’m miserable and don’t know how to get unmiserable. My husband told me 8 months ago that he wanted a divorce. The marriage was not at its best but I had no idea the problems had reached the point of divorce. I was and still am devastated over this divorce. I love my husband and wanted my marriage to last.

I can’t seem to get over what has happened and move on. He hasn’t had any problem. He has a new girlfriend. Every time he uploads new photos of them to his Facebook page I have to see them. I even ran into them at the coffee house we used to go to on a regular basis. I can’t seem to get away from him! What can I do to put an end to his “in your face” behavior?

Amanda

Amanda,

First let me say how sorry I am about your situation. I’ve been there and know too well that feeling of misery. I think you may be playing a role in your own misery. You say that every  time he uploads photos of him and his new girlfriend you “have to see them.” Why do you have to see them?

Why are you still friends with him on Facebook? He broke up with you 8 months ago and I’m thinking it may be time for you to break up with him! He isn’t your friend so unfriend him on Facebook. That will keep you from “having” to see anything he does there.

I’m sure it is hard to let go of the curiosity, the desire to know what he is doing or to hang onto any small connection with him. The curiosity and need for a connection is keeping you stuck and feeding your misery. So, sign into facebook, and for your own sake delete him from your list of friends.

As for the coffee house, it may be time for you to find a new coffee house to visit. Stay away from places if you believe there is a chance you will run into him. The less you see of him and accept that the marriage is over, the sooner you will heal your pain. So, stop playing games, stop putting yourself in situations that only prolong how you are feeling. Put a no contact rule in place!

In the future:

• Do Not text him or respond to texts from him,
• Do Not call him or take calls from him,
• Do Not tweet, twitter or twat with him,
• Do Not go to places the two of you used to go,
• Do Not hook up with him, sex with a man who left you is a big NO NO,
• Do Not visit websites or forums you know he posts to,
• Do Not give into any curiosity you have about him,
• Do Not ask friends and family about him,
• Do Not let your need to have a connection with him cause you misery

Amanda, surround yourself with a good support system made up of friends and family. If need be get into therapy and talk your feelings through with someone trained to help you process what is happening.

Emotional pain can get in the way of us making positive choices for ourselves. Don’t let how you are feeling determine what you do. Behaviors driven by emotional pain come back to bite and cause regret. Letting go and moving on is not easy but doing so is in your best interest and right now you have to be the one concerned about what is in your best interest.

Want a Facebook distraction that will and promote healing? Check out YourTango.com’s “Break Up With Your Ex” campaign. Get involved and get over him!

Good luck!

Cathy

The following is information about managing family stress. It’s from Debbie Lorence, University of Louisville’s Kentucky Autism Training Center, who gave a handout that I thought may help:

Magical thinking and conflict resolution:

• I will try not to avoid conflict altogether: Instead, I will try to not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my partner doesn’t want to discuss the matter immediately

• I will try not become defensive: Instead, I will try to listen and hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner’s complaints with objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain calm and in control of my emotions.

• I will try not to over generalize: Instead, I will try to lose the words “always” and “never”; I will try to avoid catastrophizing; I will try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I am saying are really true.

• I will try not to always be right: Instead, I will try to stop looking at things as being “right” or “wrong” and that my opinions are always right and my partner’s are wrong; I will try to recognize that sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might need to agree to disagree.

• I will try not to read my partner’s mind: Instead, I will try to resist the idea that I “know” what my partner is thinking and that those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning motives to my partner’s actions – “You are only saying/doing this because…”; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my partner out.

• I will try not to deny the positive: Instead, I will try to refrain from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I dismiss the positive – for example, I will focus on the nine things that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive things as flukes – this will help me to eliminate those “Yeah, but….” responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.

• I will try not to forget to listen: Instead, I will try to listen carefully – don’t think about what I am going to say next while my partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay attention to his/her body language; I will try to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

• I will try not to play the “Blame Game”: Instead, I will try to refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will try to avoid trying to “shame” my partner as being “at fault”; I will try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors – blaming myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for me.

• I will try not to always feel I need to “win”: Instead, I will try to come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs of both of us; Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both parties can be happy with.

• I will try not make character attacks: Instead, I will try to avoid calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don’t like his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

When I think about other women in a marriage that can be defined as “sexless” that is what I think about. Are these women in marriage similar to mine? Are they holding onto hope that things will change, that one day they will be desired sexually? Will they find out, like I did that a man who can’t make an intimate connection can’t make a connection of any kind? Are they not seeing the reality of the situation?

How do you define a sexless marriage? Some experts call marriages that average 10 or less “intimate couplings” a year “sexless.”  I recently read that an estimated 18% of marriages become passionless and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm in some.  Are those marriages amongst those who have been married for decades though?

How about us who suffer sexual rejection from the beginning. The passion hasn’t faded, there isn’t a loss of interest after years of marriage. That, when I think about it seems easy to live with when compared to what my marriage was like.

While dating we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or he behaved in ways that lead me to believe he was interested. His interest came to an end the night we married. We didn’t have sex that night and averaged sex every 6 to 8 weeks from then on.  Being the problem solver that I am I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.

And like most women, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex with me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn’t care for sex in general. It was ME, if only I were more sexual, slimmer, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually he would come around.

I read a lot of advice geared toward women in sexless marriages. I took most of the advice and in hindsight realize more often than not it was nothing more than sleazy and useless tips on how to be sexier and arouse your man. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which now seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of most women who have probably already done all they can to arouse their husband and becoming an amateur porn star doesn’t really improve things … it only serves to make a woman feel worse about herself!

So, although I can’t tell a woman who has found herself in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest she not do as I did. The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn’t want to “make love.”

What did I learn?

There is no easy solution.

It wasn’t about ME. And, it isn’t about YOU. The focus should have been on fixing HIM and not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want sex. If you take anything away from this article, I hope it is the knowledge that you are desirable, not in need of change, are not doing anything wrong and most importantly can’t fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.

Parental alienation seems to be the rallying cry these days – for those divorcing or divorced. What is it, exactly? And why should we all be concerned about it?

Let me be clear. I’m not an attorney and I’m not a therapist. But I am a long-term single parent who has tried hard to say the right things at the right time, and to protect the feelings of my children – about both parents – during and after divorce. I haven’t always succeeded; there have been bad days when I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t. But there have been far more days when I’ve spoken kindly or held my tongue, acted fairly, and done what is best for my children.

Here is a definition of parental alienation that I pulled from Wiki:

“Parental alienation is a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce or separation, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent. The term does not apply in cases of actual child abuse, when the child rejects the abusing parent to protect themselves. Parental alienation is controversial in legal and mental health professions, both generally and in specific situations.[1] Terms related to parental alienation include child alienation, pathological alignments, visitation refusal, pathological alienation, the toxic parent and parental alienation syndrome[2] though the last term is a specific formulation of a medical syndrome proposed by psychiatrist Richard Gardner that is not well accepted.[3]”

To see how prevalent parental alienation has become in the divorce industry, we have only to look as far as the article on the fictionalized use of Parental Alienation Syndrome on the series Law and Order. For that matter, read the comments on almost any divorce-oriented site, and you will see frequent claims of parental alienation.

Parental alienation, as I understand it, is not a slip of the lip at the end of another frantic day.  Nor is it revealing factual information about the other parent when doing so is an absolute necessity, and not intended to manipulate the child or hurt the other adult.

Furthermore, parental alienation is not always intentional. This is exactly why we owe it to our children to be vigilant with our actions and our words – at all times.

Here’s my take on a real-world definition of parental alienation. You can decide for yourself whether or not you agree with my assessment.

• A negative remark made in despair or exhaustion? Not cool, but not parental alienation.
• Answering a child’s questions honestly and appropriately? Not parental alienation.
• Infrequent changes to visitation for legitimate reasons? Not parental alienation.
• Blocking visitation? Parental alienation.
• Blocking phone calls and emails? Parental alienation.
• Constantly berating the other parent? Parental alienation.
• Repeated manipulation of a child’s opinion of the other parent? Parental alienation.

There are times when children ask for explanations – the reasons behind divorce, not seeing the other parent as much as they would like, reasons for financial difficulties. I believe we should field these questions as diplomatically as possible, disclosing only what is necessary, when it is necessary – dispassionately, and gently.

That may mean explaining the financial realities of a divorced household and impacts on the child’s future, or positioning the facts to do with addiction or abuse. Certainly, we owe it to our children to make appropriate judgments about what we say, as well as when and how.

But in my opinion, telling the truth does not equate to parental alienation.

I’ve witnessed what I consider to be parental alienation, and it can be devastating. In one example, a good friend fought five years for shared custody of his children. He finally won his case, but the ex, who remained in state, moved far enough away to make it logistically impossible for him to exercise his custodial rights and still keep his job. Without the job, he couldn’t pay child support, not to mention his own rent.

This father is left with occasional phone calls and visits, and the hope that when his sons are older they will understand that he did everything he could for as long as he could. And his children? What are they left with?

It is because of these unconscionable scenarios that I say enough to the automatic and frivolous outcry – largely from men – that women are poisoning their children against them. Calling any negative remark “parental alienation” does a disservice to those men and women fighting situations like the one I just described.

There is no all-inclusive handbook to post-divorce parenting, and none of us is a perfect parent – whatever our marital status. But we need to watch our tongues and our actions because our children are watching us, as models for adult behavior. Aren’t we capable of better than sticking it to the other parent by using the kids? Couldn’t we love our children in ways that are constructive and unselfish? Is it really so difficult to act responsibly, be fair in our dealings, and live up to the privilege of parenthood – honorably?

© D. A. Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.