Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike.

The Passive Aggressive Man…

1. Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withhold something he knows you want?
2. Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.
3. Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing, in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is after all his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you. He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman who expects too much from him.
4. Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare from something in a few hours that would normally take days.
5. Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue then distance himself.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship.  He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy.  All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

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Tailor Summer Vacation to Meet Your Children’s Needs

Hello Summer: Summertime is here, and with it comes unique hurdles and real opportunities for families of divorce. Parents who are early on in the divorce process need to think carefully about their plans and tailor them for their children. What we want is fun for all.

The first summer after a separation is challenging for all involved–especially the children. As the season opens, and school schedules change, kids are often left with more downtime to spend with their respective parents. Vacations pose an additional need for adjustments for you, your estranged spouse, and your children. In keeping with the mantra of The Intelligent Divorce: your children must always come first. Make sure that they don’t get stuck, yet again, right in the middle of their parent’s issues.

Let’s start with the positive:

Vacation is meant to be a time for bonding and fun. For the non-custodial parent, it is a time to strengthen the parent-child bond, to connect in a deep way, and to make new and wonderful memories.

For the custodial parent, vacation is a time when you don’t have to check homework and you can be more relaxed and flexible on bedtime. It gives you a chance to enjoy your kids with less worry and fuss.

Timing:

When planning a vacation, it is important to consider how much time has passed since the divorce. If recent, then a vacation–even just a week or two–is a long time for kids to be away from their other parent. Be prepared to manage your children’s homesickness and/or separation anxiety, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent.

Decide in advance when and how often your children can touch base with their mom or dad. If you are the parent of youngsters, you may need to be extra sensitive. A two-week vacation may be too much for your six-year-old, if up until this point she has not been away from her mother for more than three days. Do not feel rejected; your children are moving through the stages of grief at their own speed.

Location:

We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back to certain places again and again. Forewarned is forearmed: traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids when the family was intact, which will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce.

I advise you start fresh with an unvisited place, one where new memories can be made, and old, fond memories needn’t risk being tainted.

Preparation:

There are several things you can do to make the family vacation more stress-free, most of which center around the important idea of effective communication with your ex. Make it a point to arrange your children’s schedule together with your ex, in order to avoid unpleasant surprises and fights over your kids’ time.

Co-planning will lessen the awkward and unnecessary issue of one parent inadvertently (or otherwise) scheduling a vacation that interferes with a child’s routine. This includes the end or beginning of the school year, other summer activities, or an important time for the ex-spouses, like Mom’s birthday or Father’s Day.

Above all else, remember: vacation is not a competition with your ex to see who is the ‘better’ parent. It’s a good idea to plan fun activities with your children, but don’t over-do it. Your vacation should be a chance for you and your kids to enjoy quality time together.

Introducing your “new friend”:

Have you ever seen The Parent Trap (or any number of other movies) where the divorced parent brings a new girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation, against the wishes of his or her kids? In the movies, it is a plot device introduced to wreak havoc and chaos–which it almost certainly will in real life, too.

Avoid making this common mistake by resisting the temptation to bring along your new flame. Especially after a recent divorce, your kids will not be ready. They may well resent the fact that this ‘new person’ is coming on the family vacation.

Don’t put them in a position where they may feel disloyal to their other parent, or where they feel forced into the acceptance of the finality of their parent’s divorce before they are organically ready. You need to wait until some time has passed. I recommend one calendar year at minimum.

We know the summer months and family vacations can be stressful times, but they can also be fun times, the backdrop for new memories and new family traditions.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children. Order your copy today!

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Submitted by Shirley Cress Dudley

1- You and your spouse have clear house rules that apply to all blended family members

Yes, this means that house rules don’t change when you are tired, or your spouse is out of town.  Both biological children and stepchildren all follow the same rules.  It really does help when the parents also follow the same rules.  (Why does Dad get to eat in the living room when the rest of us can’t?) 

2- You hear laughter at meals

The kids are joking and comfortable enough to be a little silly at times.  Even if some of your kids are more outgoing, watch your introverted children respond by smiling to the antics of the louder children. 

3- All children are treated fairly and equally by their biological parent and their stepparent

The children are watching to see if you really love everyone the same, and will keep “tabs” on how you are doing! 

4- Your child is willing to introduce their stepparent to their teachers or friends

It’s awkward at first, but smile and praise your kids (later) when they are able to introduce their new stepparent and other members of their blended family to their friends and teachers. 

5-  Your stepsiblings talk to each other when they are in the house together

With a newly blended family, silence may be the loudest noise in your home.  As kids become more used to their new family, they will gradually talk with their new stepsiblings.  Don’t automatically jump into the conversation.  Let them talk amongst themselves without realizing that you and your spouse are listening and rejoicing over their conversational attempts. 

6- You have more than one photo in your house with all members of your blended family in it, and everyone is smiling

I know some of you are laughing, but a newly blended family does NOT photograph well together.  There are lots of frowns, pouts, crossed arms and lowered heads.  Take candid shots of your kids, while they are enjoying an activity.  This is a great way to expose them to photos of your new family.  Display these candid shots around your home.  It takes a little while, but photographing your family, as a whole, is an important step for all.  You are stating to the world that this is my family, and I’m proud of it. 

7-  One of your kids walks in with a bag full of snacks and says “want some?” to one of his stepsiblings

It’s just a common courtesy, but really important.  Your children are acknowledging that their stepsiblings are someone they care about, and are willing to share with these new family members. 

8- You have new family traditions that your blended family has developed on their own

Both families came into the new blended family with memories of their own traditions, especially around the holidays.  Take time and share these memories and develop slightly different traditions of your own.  Make sure all children have a part in the development of these traditions.    

9- A visiting child tells her parent that she had fun and asks, “When is the next time I visit you?”

When the visiting children feel at home, during their brief visits, and are looking forward to the next one, you have truly made some progress.  Make sure each child has some personal space of their own, when they visit.  Separate bedrooms are great, but not always practical. If you can keep a few personal items in their space (and make sure these items aren’t touched in their absence) this creates a sense of familiarity and also ownership, when they arrive for their visits. 

10-  The kids share a joke or an issue with each other

It may sound strange, but a group of kids teaming up against the parents is a sign of a successful blended family.  It’s O.K. to disagree, but seeing your children and stepchildren unite on any topic is quite exciting to watch and a wonderful accomplishment in your blending.

 It’s Worth It!

Blending two families together can be quite a challenge, but is worth the effort. Seeing your two families come together as one unit is a fantastic accomplishment.  Not easy- but is it doable, with patience and persistence.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Other articles:

Turning The Ex Against The Kids

Why Did My Dad (Or Mom) Remarry & Get A Step Family?

Surviving The First 90 Days In A Bended Family

Submitted by Shirley Cress Dudley

1- Keep contact to a minimum.

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids.

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments. 

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner.

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids.

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids.

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

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Would You Go Out To A Bar Alone? ]]> http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/07/4992/feed/ 0 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/06/running-on-empty-how-to-fight-single-mom-burn-out/ http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/06/running-on-empty-how-to-fight-single-mom-burn-out/#comments Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:52:19 +0000 Cathy http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=4869 Submitted by: Cathy

Is multi-tasking your standard method of operating? If you are a woman, it probably is. Married or single us women are caregivers, problems solvers…we are everything to everyone.

If you are a divorced, single mom who works, more than likely you are stressed out and exhausted. Your day may start at 6:30 am and end at midnight. You hold yourself to high standards.

You have a career to build, children to parent and parent perfectly. Those two things alone would wear on anyone both physically and mentally. Throw in every day problems like car maintenance, cooking, cleaning or a house full of kids with the chicken pox and life will begin to take its toll.

Signs You Are Running on Empty:

1. Feelings of fatigue
2. Feeling depressed or anxious
3. Feeling irritable and moody
4. A inability to concentrate, memory problems, feeling “spaced out”
5. Feeling a lack of desire for sex
6. Generally feeling unwell

If you relate, then I’m right there with ya! We push ourselves too hard and end up with major burnout. I have a few suggestions for you, aside from reading a good book, pouring a glass of wine or unplugging the phone. Those things are temporary fixes.

For long-term well-being it is time to fill up your tank and feel better. A permanent fix means making a habit out of the following activities and behaviors.

How to Fill up Your Tank:

• Work Out: Exercise and enjoy something you like to do (walking, dancing, biking, running, swimming, etc.) for a minimum of 20 minutes at least three times per week. Consider learning a stress-management exercise such as yoga or tai-chi, which teaches inner balance and relaxation.
• Ask for Help: To avoid burnout and stress, you can enlist the help of other family members, friends. There is no need to feel guilty for reaching out. And you are certainly worth support from others.
• Take a Break: Take single day, a weekend, or even a week’s vacation. And when you’re away, stay away. Talk about different things, read that book you haven’t been able to get to, see a movie. Only a real break will renew and refresh you.
• Eat Well: Eat plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, and proteins – including nuts and beans – and whole grains. Indulging in caffeine, fast food and sugar as a quick “pick-me-ups” also produce quick “let-downs.”
• Take Care of Yourself: Just like you make sure your children get to the doctor regularly, make sure you get your annual check-up. Being a single mom provides many excuses for skipping your necessary check-ups, but you cannot and should not compromise your health.
• Indulge: Treat yourself to a foot massage, manicure, nice dinner out or a concert to take yourself away from your situation and to reward yourself for the wonderful care you are providing to your children. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to feel good.

Remember, if you take care of yourself, your children will be happier, your attitude will improve, and you’ll feel more accomplished and content.

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Submitted by Delaine

I’m writing this article with the theme song of the movie Rocky playing in my mind.  For at this very moment, I don’t just feel like Delaine The Divorced Mother who raises her three kids 95% of the time on her own with no help.  No no -  I am a champion; my feet are dancing and my arms are raised in victory.  For it took strength I didn’t know I had, sweat, blood, and yes, even tears -  but in the end, I won: I defeated the insidious Chicken Pox virus that descended upon my children last week  and remain standing!

Perhaps you find it silly that I’m making this into a big deal.  But if you’re a single parent – (not a part-time parent who only has the kids every second weekend but a SINGLE parent) - I know you ’get’ what I’m feeling.  Maybe it wasn’t because of a disease or sickness -  maybe it came in the wake of an unusually insane schedule you miraculously pulled off, a smile you kept on your face for the kids despite the brutal argument you’d had with the ex, giving the kids the best Christmas they’ve ever had despite the odds against you, or maybe even just making it through those final hours before the kids went to bed when you felt like the walking dead. 

THESE are the moments, the victories, that go unnoticed and unrewarded by the outside world.  THESE are the moments that we KNOW would have other people (maybe the ex?) pulling out their hair, unable to cope.  Yet in truth, we have proven -  if not only to ourselves – that we, the single parent species, are INCREDIBLE.

Oh, we may not be humming this jubilant tune when we’re eyeball in it – and I confess there were numerous times this past week when I felt sorry for myself, pleaded with the Universe to chuck me a bone, and even felt angry and resentful that I was doing it on my own…

But the Heroine in me, someone I’ve become well-acquainted with these past years since divorcing,  reminded me, “This too shall pass”, “You’re only given what you can handle”, and “It’s OK to ask for help!”  So I brushed off my martyr-like state of mind and phoned a couple of girlfriends to cover me for an hour or two so I could recharge.  And they weren’t all ‘busy’ like that gloomy voice in my head had told me – they were more than willing to provide me with a brief reprieve.

So if this article serves but to make one other single parent knowingly smile and stand a little taller, then my job today is gone.  And I shall trumpet it out for all to hear, I really don’t care who has to cover their ears:  us single parents are AMAZING! (And man, someone should do a Rocky remake on YouTube dedicated to us!)

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Submitted by Delaine

So I broke up with someone last week – a single dad of two.   He’s the first man I’ve gone out with since divorcing that I contemplated getting serious with whatsoever.  But even though we got along brilliantly, even though he said he was crazy about me, one main thing deterred his interest: the fact that I have three kids. And I admit, it slapped me in the face and kind of hurt.  Not because my feelings were that deep for him – but because this scenario has always been one of my greatest fears…how about you?

When he first expressed his feelings to me (via email),  I admit I was mad and wanted to scream, “You’re a F***’ing coward!”  I mean, jeez, he’s a parent too, and he’d rambled on about how he’s learned to take risks and grab life by the horns since divorcing.  Guess I found myself another ‘talker’, not ‘walker’….

But I didn’t lash out.  Instead, I deleted his phone numbers and email address as gestures of “screw you.”   And those rituals made me feel somewhat better - gone, done, whatever; the past few years have well-trained me for sudden endings…

Over the next few days, my anger turned to forlornness as my mind drifted to my closest girlfriends, both whom are divorced moms and are now in serious relationships.  For there are BIG differences between their situations and mine: first, they only have two kids, not three (doesn’t each child you have up the ‘intimidation factor’?). Two, their ex-husbands take their children often and on a regular schedule.  Mine doesn’t.  Bottom line is I’m a TRULY-full-time mom.  Any man who falls for me also has to be prepared to be strong step-father figure.  How many men out there want THAT? I mean, when you cross out all the divorced dads my age who are carrying emotional cargo on their backs AND you cross out all the non-dad bachelors who are set in their me-focused worlds, who am I left with?

But a few more days to think on it, has me shaking me off my blues and holding my head high.  In fact, I almost find my brain’s need to figure out the ‘grim odds’ of my meeting such a man laughable.  Why?  Many reasons.  And darn right, I’m going to share them:

Number one, I LOVE being a mom and would never change that for a second!  I love the fact my house is constantly full of kids and my weekends are slotted with family activities.  Moreover, I KNOW my kids are so loving and open to having a strong male figure in their lives that whoever takes on that role one day is going to be thanking his lucky stars! My children and our lifestyle will be a blessing/bonus to him, not a hindrance.

Secondly, just because I’ve been programmed to believe I’m ‘missing something’ just because I’m a mom with no man in her life, doesn’t make it true.  My life is full and joyful in MANY respects, even if I don’t have everything figured out.  If there’s anything the chaos of infidelity and divorce has taught me these past years it’s that I’m way stronger than I ever thought, and life is to be lived right NOW.  Sometimes, in my mind’s eye, I see myself at eighty years old, scolding the Delaine of today: “Stop thinking so damn much!” she says. “Just get out there and enjoy yourself!” I’m young, healthy, attractive, smart, and hey – I can still enjoy the many pleasures of dating different men.  I’d be a fool NOT to take advantage of the male opportunities I’m presented with.

Thirdly, even if THIS guy wasn’t THE guy for me,  I am so very pleased and proud of myself for allowing myself to take a risk and actually feel for a man again; it’s been a long time coming!  And how lucky am I that I discovered his take on things before I got too invested.  No – he wasn’t meant to be my new life-partner, he was meant to be a stepping stone, a well-lit beacon reminding me of how far I’ve already come.  Moreover, in the big scheme of things, I’ve a strong sense that my relationship with this man was ultimately designed to test my  Big Looming Fear – the one that said, “You’re unlovable and unworthy because you’re a single mom.”

It’s funny eh?  How our brains race ahead trying to figure out our futures for us?  And how they trick us into believing it’s all bad?  But I call bullshit on mine here.  Instead I pull from my pool of ‘truths’ which are solidified every time something goes astray in my life : I need to focus on WHAT I want, and let the universe figure out the HOW.  In my heart, I TRULY believe that there is a wonderful match out there for everyone.  And some incredible man is going to look at me and my three kids and say, “WOW.  This is EXACTLY what I want.”  He will adore me in ways I’ve yet to experience, and love my children like his own because he is truly THAT great a man.

And even though that kind of man/person is a rare breed, one that is the exception, not the rule in today’s day in age, I WANT exceptional.  And I know he’s out there looking for me/ us.

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Question:

Dear Shelley:

I’ve been separated since May 2008 and my divorce should be final soon.  I began dating last year and earlier this year met and fell in love with a wonderful man.

We’ve been constant companions ever since.  My soon-to-be-ex has issues with my boyfriend (they have never actually met) and has been interrogating my children (9 year old twins) about them, so much that my daughter has been in tears over this a few times.

I don’t want my kids to be put in a difficult position, but also know that I am not going to let my STBX intimidate me or make me feel like I’ve got to quit dating my BF.

My BF and I are planning our future together and he will be part of this whole crazy mix.  My kids like him and enjoy spending time with him.  Any suggestions how I can make this easiest for all of us to deal with.

Susan

Answer:

Dear Susan-

You don’t mention whether or not you have attempted to speak with your ex about the matter or not or what the so-called “issues” are that are upsetting your ex?  One of my favorite quotes is…”Do you love your kids more than you hate your ex?”  Translation: always put aside your own personal feelings about your ex and prioritize the kid’s welfare.

This goes for both you and your ex. Your personal life is no longer your ex’s business and vice versa except if your personal life causes harm  to the kids.  Only you can answer that.  Getting involved with a new partner after a year’s separation has allowed for a reasonable amount of time for you and kids to be used to your new reality.

We should never address our concerns or complaints about one another through our kids. It puts them in the middle where they do not belong and causes them distress. Not involving our kids in our own interpersonal struggles is one of the cornerstones of how to handle a divorce. If you cannot appeal to common sense or come to a mutual understanding about the children’s welfare then I would suggest that you both meet with a child psychologist and have this objective and qualified third party explain the particulars.

Oftentimes, our ex cannot hear what we are saying due to an emotional trigger but a third party can get through to them.
Regards,

Shelley

(Continued)

Shelley:

I did try and address the issue with my ex.  He is difficult to get hold of (doesn’t answer his cell phone) so I left a message asking him to make time to talk with me and discuss this.  I know that it is better to have things out in the open between us and keep the kids out of it.

That being said, I have no idea what his “issues” are.  Just that he doesn’t like my BF (these are the words my kids used). There are no reasons that my new relationship should be harmful to my children.

I have spent a lot of time with my BF and my kids have as well with both of us.  There are, however, safety concerns with my Ex (alcohol and anger issues – dealing with these through the courts currently).  I think that maybe he sees my BF as competition in some way.  I hope that he doesn’t still think we are ever getting back together.  I have done nothing that would ever give him this impression.

He consistently puts the kids in these kinds of situations instead of dealing with me directly, even though I’ve repeatedly asked him not to do that.  I can suggest some sort of mediator, but I know this will only work if he is forced to do it by his attorney.  He would never agree to it otherwise.

Thank you for your response.

Susan

Answer

Susan-

Sounds to me as if your ex needs some professional counseling, both for his own personal challenges and those that have to do with the children,  and if the only way to do that is via legal means then so be it.  The safety and well-being of your children is tantamount!

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

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When parents get divorced, sometimes the divorce is less than amiable.  Parents may carry resentment and anger.  Unfortunately, sometimes those negative thoughts are communicated to our children.

I regularly hear from stepfamilies that have been told by their children that Mom (or Dad) doesn’t love them anymore or that their new step dad will be their “real” Dad now.  All of these thoughts are confusing and not helpful to the child or helpful to the new step family.

Here are some examples:

“My kid’s biomom remarried and became pregnant.  After the baby was born, she told her kids that they should call their step dad “Dad” and their bio dad by his first name now.  My kids are so confused!”

“When my ex-husband has visitation with the kids, and we are both present at a school event, he tells the kids not to talk to me (their biological mom) during the event.”

“My Mom told me that my Dad doesn’t love me anymore now that he remarried.  Is that true?”

These statements, coming from real moms, dads and kids, are very harmful to children.  Here are some guidelines on how to help your kids cope with the transitions of divorce, remarriage and blended families.

Don’t Engage

Don’t engage in the battle – It’s best to take the higher ground.  Do not speak negatively about their mother in front of the kids.  If you have to say anything, you can say, “Although we disagree with your mother, we know that she loves you.  We love you and want what’s best for you.”  (That way you aren’t lying, but also not agreeing with the biological mother’s behavior.)

Train and Teach Your Children

Train and teach your stepchildren – they didn’t come with an instruction manual on how to handle divorce and remarriage.  Explain to them that you can enjoy spending time with Mom and with Dad – it’s not a competition.  “You can also love your stepdad and also your stepmom – and that doesn’t compete with your love for your biological parent.”

Tell them “every child only gets one real Mom and one real Dad – and that, although divorce is very sad, we are going to work through this and be positive about the future.  Because your Mom and Dad have remarried, you get bonus parents, and they are called stepparents.  These people aren’t your real Mom or Dad, but they are people who care about you, love you and will help raise you.”

The more you talk about it (calmly and in a non-formal way – maybe while driving in the car, or working on a project together) the easier it will become for the kids to talk about it, and know its O.K. to discuss it with you and their Dad.

It’s O.K. To Comment on the Other Parent’s Negative Behavior

You can even comment on the other parent’s negative behavior, but keep your attitude positive. (What !) Here’s an example… “I know your Mom tells you to ignore us when we are all at school together.  We still love you.  Just know that we are smiling and watching you.  If you want to sneak a peak at us, we’ll blow you a kiss.  If not, then don’t worry.  You’ll be with us again soon.”

Reassure Your Kids

Explain to your kids that, “Sometimes when Mommy’s and Daddy’s remarry, the kids become jealous and wonder if they are still loved.  Yes, they are still loved.  There is enough love for everyone.  Adults even get jealous too.  Don’t worry, there’s enough love for everyone.”

You are acknowledging the negative (or even sometimes strange behavior) without condemning the source.  You can be the constant, normal set of parents in their lives- I guarantee your kids will appreciate this.

In Summary

• Do what’s right, be positive.
• Be the constant, normal parents in the kid’s lives.
• Keep telling them that you love them, and know all these changes are tough.
• Help them understand what’s going on by expressing your expectations and telling them about divorce and remarriage.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Have you accepted your new reality?  Are you in full acceptance of the fact that your husband is no longer your husband?  Do you still find yourself thinking about what could have been or should have been?  Are you resisting reality?

 

Resistance to ‘what is’ versus what you think ’should be’ will keep you stuck and unable to move forward.  Imagine yourself in a fast flowing river, swimming against the flow or current of that river?  Is it tiring?  Is it hard?  Is it scary?  Could you possibly drown?

 

Now imagine that you have surrendered to the flow of that river’s direction?  Speaking metaphorically, to the direction of your life?  Is there relief?  Peace?  Are you seeing new sites and new possibilities now?

 

Acceptance is the step before letting go.  Acceptance of what you life is now versus what it was or what you think it was supposed to be.  Acceptance of the fact that life is forever changing and offering us new challenges.  Acceptance of what you can and cannot control  or change in life.  Acceptance of the fact that the only thing we can really control in life is how we choose to deal with what life hands us.

 

You sound as if you are still in the grieving stage of this massive life transition with all of the attendant feelings that come with grieving.  That will change in time and with efforts on your part to heal.  Try placing your attention on the things that serve you and move you forward.  Try to see where this experience might gift you with new knowledge and tools for handling life better.  Look for the gifts that night be hidden to you right now.  Just because you cannot see them at this moment in time does not mean that they don’t exist.  You’re still stuck in the river.

 

Warm regards,

 

Shelley

 

 

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

 

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