When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

Because there are no reporting requirements by fertility clinics and sperm banks or any identifiers on birth certificates to calculate the number of children who are the product of home-based artificial inseminations, there are no clear statistics on the annual total of children born via sperm and egg donation (or a combination of the two) in the United States.

Commentators estimate the number of people using alternative reproductive technology (ART) to be as low as 5,000 to as high as 60,000 annually. My guess is that the number is at the higher end, if not significantly more, based on the demand for sperm and egg donation, the leaps in science allowing for more successful assisted reproduction rates, infertility issues caused by a delay in starting families (10 to 15 percent of married couples have fertility problems), and the large number of medical and legal entities offering services to facilitate non-traditional means of family planning. And you know something is on the increase when it becomes a huge Hollywood fad — think “Baby Mama,” “The Switch,” “The Back Up Plan,” and “The Kids Are Alright.” (full disclosure — I have an ART child).

One would think given this increase that there would be legal uniformity as to parental and financial rights and responsibilities. In fact, state legislatures have mostly punted this hot-button issue, declining to readdress the definition of parentage in recent years and instead allowing their judicial systems to render inconsistent verdicts. However, some scholars have begun to take note. For example, in March 2011, the American University Washington College of Law is hosting a conference entitled “The New Illegitimacy: Revisiting Why Parentage Should Not Depend On Marriage.”

The inconsistencies create an enormous amount of uncertainty ranging from inheritance rights to child support and visitation. Additionally, there has been an increase in the questionable practice of commercially contracting with foreign surrogate mothers in countries such as India. And what if, for example, a family undergoes alternative family planning in one state but then seeks dissolution of their marriage or union in another that has conflicting definitions of parentage?

And just because one State supports one non-traditional parentage does not necessarily mean that it tolerates another. For example, in Washington, D.C., surrogacy is a felony. On the flip side, in 2010, it became the first jurisdiction to confer the status of legal parent on both lesbian mothers who plan a child using donor insemination, rendering second parent adoption unnecessary.

Some States even have conflicting rules relative to egg and sperm donation because some define genetic mothers as the legal mother but deem a married man the parent of a child conceived from an anonymous sperm donor. In other words, under this scenario, if a married couple used a donor egg and a donor sperm using a surrogate, then the anonymous woman who provided the donor egg is considered the legal mother, but the husband is considered the legal father.

Is your head spinning yet?

A sample of notable state laws and judicial rulings in the past few years reflect how unsettled, inconsistent and controversial the question of parentage is:

In Pennsylvania, the trial and appellate courts initially forced a sperm donor to pay child support even though the mother was married to someone else at the time of insemination, and he had a contract that was supposed to relieve him of child support obligations. The State’s highest court overturned the ruling, stating that the decision in line with the lower courts would undermine the legal status of sperm donors, including anonymous donors at sperm banks, and would force women to seek sperm via sperm banks rather than from men in their acquaintanceship that they admire.

In Michigan, a married couple with fertility issues contracted with a surrogate mother, who had acted as a surrogate for three other children previously for other women. The resultant twins were produced by fertilizing an egg and a sperm from anonymous donors, so no party shared any DNA with the children. Upon hearing that the wife had a psychological disorder, the surrogate decided to object to legal transfer at the required guardianship hearing. The court sided with the surrogate because Michigan strongly opposes surrogacy contracts and, in fact, deems such contracts as a crime punishable by up to five years in prison as well as fines.

In California, as well as some other states, if a person or couple is assisted by a licensed medical professional (even if the insemination is done at home), then the sperm donor automatically loses all claim to the child, and if the mother is married, the husband automatically becomes the legal father (assuming he and the mother sign a consent form to that end).  But if you do not meet the above criteria, then the donor may assert claims.

To the contrary, in Florida, the distinction as to where insemination occurs is irrelevant — donors waive parental rights and responsibilities. Florida also permits surrogate agreements. But before you believe that Florida is at the forefront of tolerance on this matter, note that it does not allow same-sex adoptions.

Now, contrast that with New York, where contracts regarding sperm donation between a couple and a known sperm donor are generally unenforceable, and the court will only look at the best interests of the child in determining the rights and duties of the donor as opposed to the parties’ intent.  More recently, although the state’s highest court granted “legal parent” status to a non-biological mother to a child born after the couple had entered into a civil union in Vermont, the ruling does not extend to same-sex couples who fail to enter into such unions or same-sex marriage, both of which are unavailable in New York. However, New York’s decision to honor Vermont’s laws does not mean that other States will do so. Yet unlike Florida, New York allows second parent adoptions.

In Indiana, the Court of Appeals reversed a trial court’s ruling that the legal mother of a child was a non-related surrogate. In that case, a married couple enlisted the wife’s sister to carry her child as a gestational surrogate. The court remanded the case back to the trial court with instructions to conduct an evidentiary hearing to determine motherhood based on biological, not gestational relationship. Unlike Michigan, the fact that Indiana law does not recognize the validity of surrogacy agreements was basically ignored.

Additionally, many cases differentiate between anonymous and known donors. But further muddying the waters is the fact that since 2005, many sperm banks offer “ID consent” donors, who have agreed to have their identities released to any resultant offspring when they reach maturity. Banks that handle egg donors have not yet done so, but given the trends one can foresee that possibility. Adding yet another wrinkle is the fact that Donor Sibling Registries are now available — think about how, for example, that might affect sibling rights to inheritances. Given the existing legal confusion, one can easily imagine future litigation on these points as well without uniform guidance.

The Uniform Parentage Act, last revised in 2002, is a model statute that was created by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws to serve as a guide for drafting family legislation. It recognizes that as many as five adults can be involved in the production of a single child, and adopted a functional family definition as opposed to one dominated by genetics. With regard to assisted conception, it encourages that States:

Authorize gestational surrogacy agreements as valid contracts requiring court approval similar to adoptions.

No longer require that at least one of a child’s intended parents be genetically related.

Recognize that egg and sperm donors are not the legal parents of a child under any circumstances.

Unfortunately, only nine states have adopted versions of the 2002 Act, and for those who did, half have limited the parental rights to opposite sex married couples or declined to include the provisions related to surrogacy. Likewise, the Act does not acknowledge same sex couples, instead defining parents as a “man and woman.”

My opinion? Whether you like it or not, families created through alternative reproductive methods are on the rise. States must acknowledge this trend and instead of seeking to prevent their use should enact the following legislation:

Establish a method to report the offspring produced as a result of ART;

Uniformly deem enforceable contracts between known sperm and egg donors and recipients and provide guidelines regarding drafting of same;

Uniformly deem enforceable surrogacy contracts and establish guidelines for judicial approval;

Create guidelines and clarify parental and sibling legal rights relative to ID Consent donors and Sibling Registries; and

Adopt a version of the 2002 Uniform Parentage Act that includes a broader definition of parentage to include same sex couples.

*Previously published on The Huffington Post.

In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

As mothers we find it hard to let our children leave our home bound for a place where the welfare, rules, and lifestyles are questionable–if not completely opposite of how we would have it in our homes. When it is a friend’s house, we can easily control the time our child is allowed there and anytime it becomes increasing uncomfortable for us we can go and get them. However, when the home in question is that of your child’s other biological parent, your control of the situation goes right out the door with your child.

A while ago I wrote a piece on Parallel Parenting and how the discovery of this term freed me from the ridicule and the constant berating that went along with being told I had to “Co-Parent.” Many of you have made comments and observations on the topic–some agreeing and some disagreeing. Mainly I had questions asking my advice regarding how to deal with specific situations. Interestingly, among these questions I found there to be a common theme–how do I control the behavior of my children in my ex’s home?

As the questions rolled in, I felt the need to answer each question as it related to the individual and their specific circumstances. However, over time I have decided that with so much concern over the same basic issue that this would be a great topic to discuss on its own–thus today’s post.

Let me start by saying that every situation is different and when you are caught up in the moment of it, your problem feels as if it is bigger and more difficult than anything anyone else may have experienced. As with everything else in life, you have to gather your information, research your options and do what is best for YOU. I can share my opinions and thoughts and maybe give you a little food for thought, but you have to live your life, I don’t.

Parallel parenting begins with detaching yourself from your ex when you realize that co-parenting is not working. With detachment comes a freedom but also a horrifying realization that you no longer have any control over what happens to your children when they are not in your care.  Horrifying not in the sense of “OMG my child is going to be killed” but horrifying in way you feel completely out of control. Ironically whether you decide to co-parent or parallel parent with your ex, you can only control what you can control–meaning when your children are with you in your home, you can control what is happening. When they are in their other parents home, you may agree or disagree with what is happening but you have no control over it. Like it or not, that control now belongs to the other parent.

Just because you are the “biological” parent does not give you an ounce of right to speak into the other parents home, rules, lifestyle, decisions–you are divorced and now you have no right to speak into their lives, even in regards to your children.

I know this is so much easier said than done. When it comes to our children we want to protect them from every evil, ugly, bad thing out there. Sadly when it comes to divorces and joint custody or even just visitation, your ability to control and protect them from everything you do not like has been replaced with half-time/part-time control. Even when you can’t stand their other parent and hate all of or just some of the things that happen when you child is when you, you cannot change or control that situation. You can only control your time.

Like it or not, they have another parent. And more likely than not, that parent is very different from you. Most likely they are not going to do things in the same manner or handle things the same way you would–you are after all divorced. So with that in mind, unless they are physically abusing your child or there is something so extreme happening (like the ex is strung out on drugs or passed out drunk all of the time) there is nothing you can do about the other issues that are taking place. Judges see so many truly awful situations with children where they are being beat and abused that yours and my concerns over actions, words, misleading, sharing, whatever it may be, is so minor in the scope of life that we are just instructed to parent the way we choose on our time. I know it seems extreme and unfair at times but it is reality. I have spent this past year helping out a good friend who is a family law attorney and you cannot imagine the amount of things I have seen. My eyes have been opened. The things in the past that I thought were such big issues pale in comparison to many of the truly sick and disgusting things I have witnessed in the family court system. These judges are faced with incredibly horrid situations with families and kids everyday–no wonder they don’t have time for our “major” issues.

For me, accepting my loss of control over my children’s lives when not in my care was really hard to grasp at first–they are after all my children. I wanted to be able to tell my ex when they should go to bed, when I thought he was making bad choices, when I thought they were in need of something, whenever I saw any issue, I wanted to tell him he was wrong and I wanted it done my way. I should be able to have a say in their lives at all times, I am after all their mom. WRONG!!!! When they are with their other parent, that other parent has control of all decisions and truthfully does not want my input. I get a say when they are in my custodial care and that is it, period.

It is tough. It really is. But the sooner you realize and accept your new reality the better it will be for both you and your child.

It took a while for me and my current husband to get to the point we are at now with being able to relinquish the control when the children are not with us. But if I can encourage you to do anything, it would be to let it go. Honestly it creates so much more anger, frustration, resentment (pick the adjective and fill it in here) to constantly be wanting to monitor and control the situation with your children when they are not with you. And where does it get you? Nowhere, except maybe a visit to the doctor for the ulcer you have created. Yes, maybe once in a while your long emails and rants via text are heard and applied. But really most of your suggestions, wants, demands, are ignored anyway and you are the only one left feeling upset.

Like I said it took me a while to get there, but both my husband and I have come to terms with the fact that when the children are not with us, we cannot control their surroundings or happenings, so we let it go and wait until they return to us where we know everything is the way we feel it should be. When conversations are started by the children regarding things that have happened in their other homes, we either bite our tongues and don’t say a word or we say “That is your dad’s/mom’s house and you must obey the rules for that house” and change the subject. At the same time, we always listen to the kids to hear what they have to say because one, we want them to share things with us and two, if there ever were a extreme issue, we would want/need to know about it.

Like I said when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard. And when your ex is doing things that you find so appalling and frustrating and wrong, you can’t help but want to stop it. But you can’t–so stop making it worse on yourself. Accept your new reality. Do the best you can with your children when they are in your care. Love them and don’t do things to them while in your care just to get back at the ex. Ultimately, your children are the one who will pay, not the ex. Just like when your ex is doing things out of spite for you, you can see the effect on the children, which is why you want it to stop.

Look at it  this way–if you were doing something you felt was completely appropriate and your ex was telling you how wrong you were and trying to tell you that it was not acceptable, would you want their input? Probably not. So when it is the reverse, take a breath, remember you can’t control it and let it go.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Cases like these are the cancer of divorce.

Sometimes I think that the work of experts on divorce is really akin to oncologists who work with cancers of all types.  Some are curable, some require intensive treatment and have a good outcome and sometimes the cancer is so aggressive that all you can do is help the patient cope.

It is inevitable –whenever I touch upon almost any subject regarding divorce, whether its child support, money, or what truth is too much truth, I will hear of cases where it is obvious that whatever can be done is simply not enough. Some marriages die a terrible death.

What one disturbed parent can do to children and to an ex that he or she once loved is often hard to believe. It is a sad fact that most kidnappings in the United States occur in the context of divorce – and violence is not uncommon. The courts and the criminal justice system are overwhelmed and not a fine honed tool. Police arrive and sometimes arrest the wrong parent.

Child protection laws sometimes protect, but they are also used by manipulative parents to gain advantage in court by falsely accusing an ex in order to gain leverage over the kids and child support money.  Judges are only human, and have too many difficult cases to handle.

My heart breaks for the children that are subject to these horrors. Lying, promiscuity and adultery are, in my opinion, small things in comparison to no food, no electricity, living in shelters and violence (both physical and verbal). The former is how relationships can fall apart in bad ways. The latter is about whether or not the man (or woman) has the sense of duty to make things right even if he (or she) did something terribly wrong.

So often in divorce, people act out. They can be angry and self righteous or sometimes just feel free for the first time in decades and become the adult equivalent to acting out teenagers. Inevitably, the children are injured, not by the divorce itself, but by how it is handled.

So, what can be done?

If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a story which is largely not of your own making. You have to respond to an ex spouse who just wants to win – and at all costs.

What you do have control over here is your own sanity, and the innocent ears of your precious children. Therapy is really a must. All the outrage must be mobilized productively, and all the hurt and fear needs to be soothed. Children rarely benefit from an angry parent, even if he or she is justified.

You make hundreds of decisions everyday that can impact your kids and, hard as it is to believe, you may have some leverage with your ex if you don’t fall into his traps. For instance, if you are angry and spout off time and again, your home can become a frightening place for your kids.

Or, on the other hand, they may identify with your temper and act out in school as bullies – it happens and I have seen it. And if you are so angry that you provoke a fight in public with your ex, he can use it against you in court to show how “unstable” you are. I have seen this too. You don’t want to give him this kind of power.

A therapist will help you grieve the loss of your marriage and much of what you held dear, including a sense that the world is fair. It all has to go, because children need a stable and realistic parent to help show them the way back to sanity.

When speaking about being realistic, in dealing with a very difficult ex you will need to set limits and still co parent. Not easy. You will have to decide when to hang up the phone on him as things heat up, when to walk away from a toxic situation, and when it is time to call your lawyer or the police.

You are not always going to get it right and under all this pressure, you’re not always going to be a saint. So, when done well, a good relationship with your therapist can help you come back to center.  No matter how angry or hurt you may be, your children will always come first. This will be your gift to them.

In malignant situations, therapy is important for your children as well. They need to have a safe place to deal with what they are going through with an adult ally. In addition, your child’s therapist can help you understand how to be a better parent.

On occasion, a talented therapist can counsel the self serving ex spouse and may make some headway. And, if things get dangerous, some therapists find the wherewithal to hold an out of control parent accountable. It is not a perfect solution, but sometimes the cancer of divorce can only be managed, and not really treated.

It is better than nothing.

Ultimately, the children will grow up and come to terms with the trauma they experienced. Some will be hurt forever while others will emerge stronger because of the experience. Here is where a stable, healthy parent can make all the difference. They will ultimately cling to your strength, your stability and your confidence.

Some divorces can truly be like malignant cancer. But if you can give your kids the best of what you have, you are giving them a lot. It is the best medicine that we have.

Author Bio: Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

Much will change with a divorce. A child is no longer able to be with both of their parents at the same time, under the same roof. Their sense of security can be lessened and they must adapt to a new way of life.

Do you really want to tell them the truth? Should they know that their father had an affair and left their mother (and them)? Do you want them to know about their mother’s alcoholism, or that Mom and Dad haven’t had sex for the last ten years? I’m not so sure.

There is a lot in life that’s private. Kids need to have their innocence. This means that they need not know everything – explicit details are better left unsaid. In my mind, their mental health trumps truth.

This opinion is not always embraced by parents, particularly a parent who feels wronged or defamed. That parent wants the child to carry the same opinion about the other parent that they carry. Here’s something to remember, your children are not you. They are entitled to their own opinions.

So what about the truth? In most cases, it’s best to keep the full truth to yourself because it’s safe to say that the truth hurts. Obviously if a parent is violent, disturbed, or grossly mismanaging a child, their access needs to be limited. That’s what the courts are for.

Children will ultimately come to their own conclusion about their parents. If a parent is a selfish narcissist who is always unavailable, the child will get it. It’s their call whether they have negative opinions about their mother or father, not yours.

At the end of the day, it’s their relationship. And that, my friends, is the truth.

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Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

The picture that society has painted of step-moms is evil, ugly, rotten and very sad. According to Cinderella and other stories with stepmothers, these women only love their biological children and they are incredibly mean or they are young attractive women that the ex left the older mom for and therefore she must be a horrid woman who cares nothing about the well being of children, right?

The truth is step-moms are not these terrible women who are horrible to their stepchildren and only kind to their “real” children. Nor are they women who move in on the ex-husband like prey and plan their every move just to make the biological mother crazy.

Sad really how the world of television and movies has warped the reality of a step-mom and her role in the children’s lives. I don’t know about you but I was not aware that a step-mom could not love her step-children as much as she loves her own children. What makes the children not born to her any less real or lovable?

When a mother adopts a baby she did not carry in her womb, does that mean she loves them less? Or how about a foster mom that takes in children to care for them when their “real” parents aren’t able, is she not respected and able to love those kids. I find it amazing how we accept other roles like adoptive moms and foster moms but the stepmom is something evil and looked down upon.

I think it all stems from biological mothers who think no one could care for their child the way they do. On top of the fact that these same mothers are usually angry and bitter from a divorce which they did not want or did not like how it ended. Mix in a new woman who the real mother does not like, is jealous of, or resents from some unknown reason and the creation of the evil stepmother is born.

Before you get all worked up and tell me that I have no idea what it is like to have another woman taking care of your children, you should know I am very well versed in the term stepmom and the role she has in a family.  Not only am I the biological mother to two children (who have a stepmother in their life), I am the stepmom to two, and I also have a mother and stepmother. So to say the least, I have quite a bit of experience in all aspects of the stepmom.

That being said, I can related to those of you who have a new woman in your life that is now caring for your children half of the time or at least part of the time, and I know it can be hard at first. The adjustment to not only being away from your children for a given period of time but also having to accept a new woman in their lives can be very challenging. I love my children and I hate when they are not in my home, but there is a reality I have had to accept.

A reality that now includes a step-mom as well as rules, decisions, and general life that does not include me. This is a sacrifice that I had to make in order to improve life for both me and my children. I’m sorry but I will never, ever buy into the belief that many women (and some men) have that you should remain in a marriage that you no longer wish to be a part of. I firmly believe that doing so has drastically more adverse effects on the children than divorce ever could. I personally know a couple that has been what I refer to as “unhappily married” for over 43 years and their adult children are some of the most maladjusted humans that I know.

I am not the angry divorcee that is mentioned previously and even though I brought the divorce on myself and wanted out, that didn’t mean I was looking forward to sharing my children with anyone let alone another woman. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning.

At first when this woman came into my children’s lives, I thought it would be like it always was–I was their mother and I had the last word. Just like when my ex was not married, I would tell him what I thought was right or wrong and he would either agree or disagree but ultimately I was still able to exert my control regarding my children in his home. Now there is another mom involved and she gets the say in her home.

This is as it should be, as I would never want anyone thinking they could tell me how to do things in my own home. Letting go of that control and realizing that just because I am the biological mother does not mean I get to have any input into my ex’s new family was a little tough at first. Although I did not agree at first, my ex and his wife made it clear that whether they agree with me or not it was ultimately their home and they would do as they saw fit. Frustrating as that is, it is true and I have gracefully come to terms with that.

Then there is the fact that my children have days where they love their stepmom and they have a great time and other days where they whine and complain and tell me how awful she is. I am the adult so I have to remember that they are children and their perceptions of things are a little skewed. You know what I mean–maybe she ruins one meal and now she is the world’s worst cook.

Also children feed off of their own mother, if they feel that it makes their mom happy to say bad things about the stepmom then they will come up with all kinds of terrible stories in order to make their mom feel better. It is completely understandable at young ages to tell either parent what they think you want to hear in an innocent effort to please, even though what they may think you want to hear is not what you want to hear at all.

All of this can be so hard to balance. You want your children to be happy when they are with you and when they are away. However, there is always a little jealousy of things you miss out on or don’t get to experience with your children so you really don’t want to hear about how much fun they had with their step-mom.

For me, I have decided that I just want my kids to be happy and that includes when away from me. So for them to be happy, I have chosen to encourage their relationship with their step-mom. Like it or not, she is the mom in their other house and in that family. I would rather be a little jealous or sad (without showing my children) and have my kids happy and flourishing in their other home then see them sad and complaining just to make me happy.

So when they return to my home and begin to share the good and the bad, I listen to the good and engage them in those conversations but if the topic turns bad I generally redirect them so that they realize those topics do not please me. Interestingly since I began that, my two don’t say very many bad things about their step-mom. Nowadays I have to assume that they are doing quite well if the only thing they complain about is the occasional bad cooking.

Ultimately, we all just want what is best for our children. Although I do not agree with my children’s step-mom on several things, that does not make her role any less important to my children. I also have to realize that even though I am their mother, she is their step-mom and they have a new family. Also she is married to my children’s father. As a man he cannot always experience the same things as a woman. So although I may feel like she is doing things with my children that I should be doing, what makes me think that their father is not experiencing that moment through his wife.

For example, maybe he is not the best baker and she enjoys baking cookies, isn’t it possible that seeing his children in the kitchen cooking with her is special and important to him. Sorry moms, but we all do it, we tend to think that our feelings as a mother are more important then the feelings of the father, and that is just plain wrong. I am guilty of it too, although I am trying to better myself and see that his feelings are valid whether I agree with them or not.

The bottom line here involves our children–they have two parents plus some and all parties involved are equally important, no matter whose womb the child came from. All of us moms need to accept the step-mom and stop looking for the evil stepmother from Cinderella. That is only fair for the children.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Dealing with someone who handles life’s problems in a passive aggressive way is much like dealing with a defiant teenager. You must be direct and straight to the point at all times. The passive aggressive knows how to push buttons so, it’s important for you not react and play his game. One major problem with dealing with a passive aggressive is unrealistic expectations as far as him changing. This might cause you to demand more than he can or is willing to give. You have to stay realistic in your expectations. Change what you can and learn to live with the rest if you choose to stay in the marriage.

Setting Limits With Passive Aggressive Behavior:

• Set firm limits as far as what you will and will not tolerate and then stick to them.

• When communicating with the passive aggressive do not do it in a defensive way. Use messages that begin with “I” when expressing feelings of disappointment.

• Don’t protect the passive aggressive from your unhappy feelings but be sure to communicate those feelings to him in a way that will keep him from withdrawing further.

• Never accept excuses for his passive aggressive behavior.

• Don’t buy into the “I forgot” excuse. If the passive aggressive “forgets” an important date and leaves you in a lurch tell him it was his choice to “forget” and how his choice hurts you. Remind him that he never has a problem remembering dates and activities that are important to him and give him examples of times you have gone out of your way to show value toward a date or activity that was important to him.

• Choose your fights wisely. Being involved with the passive aggressive man you have learned that 9 times out of 10 he is going to avoid anything he views as conflict. This is not only destructive to him but the health of the relationship also. You should all choose our fights wisely BUT should never shy away from confrontation over big issues in the relationship. When you do this, you are playing into his neurotic needs and giving him the opportunity to point a finger at you and call you crazy when you eventually do blow your top over some small issue.

• Rules need to be set between you and the passive aggressive when arguing or discussing an issue. No abusive language, stick to the subject at hand, don’t get off track and start bring up the past. Take time out to cool off if things become too heated and then return to the discussion.

• Encourage him to make choices and you will be helping to build his confidence. When it is time to go to a movie or out to eat, tell him you want him to choose the movie or restaurant. If he refuses to follow through and uses the “I can’t” excuse remind, him that what he really means is he won’t because he resents you asking. Ask him to be more honest, to stop making excuses, and to just tell you that he doesn’t want to do what you ask him to do. There is no harm in pointing out his lack of effort and telling him that if he doesn’t start carrying his weight in the relationship, even if it is something as simple as choosing a movie you are going to stop asking for his input. If he refuses to take more of a leading role then you will have to start asking for only what you absolutely need from him.

• Don’t allow him to play the victim The passive aggressive loves to play the poor, poor me guy in hopes that you will feel sorry for him and not bring up their negative actions. It’s a powerful tool he uses to get out of accepting responsibility for his part in the relationship. The sad thing is, it is directly tied to his lack of confidence and a fear of not being able to hold up his end of the relationship. It’s important to praise him often in areas that he does do well in and to stress how committed you are to the relationship. His actions show a great depth of dependence upon you and fear of abandonment by you. Try to get him to discuss his fears by pointing out to him that anyone views themselves as a victim must be afraid of something.

• Point out every time he tries to control you with his anger. The passive aggressive expresses anger by withdrawing, being sarcastic, using intimidation, withholding affection and love and, in some cases physical violence.

Consequences for passive aggressive behavior must be stated and carried through if they refuse to take responsibility in the relationship. If, in the end, he is unwilling to make changes to his negative behavior, don’t take it personally. It is learned behavior that he uses to avoid confrontation and he may have an obstinate need to hold onto that behavior and the fears that come along with it.

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Question:

I am divorced and my ex-husband and I have a daughter. I have been remarried for 3 years. My husband is also divorced but without any children of his own. When divorce papers were drawn it stated that I have full custody with my ex having once a month weekend visitation at his parents’ home. That was 5 years ago. My ex has recently asked if he could have our daughter for the Easter weekend. My, selfish, initial response is NO but I understand that he wants to try and finally step up and make memories with her. My now husband is completely against her going during Easter and told me he would be very upset if I let her go. My parents and sister HATE my ex-husband and don’t think I should let her go. Can you give me some kind of advice or guidance? I am stressed out over this!!

Answer:

I can’t give advice without knowing the “story.” So, let me put it this way…if your ex-husband, the father of your child does not have a history of domestic abuse, does not have a history of endangering his daughter then he should be allowed extended visits with her. If you are 100% sure that your daughter is safe with her father then you have no reason to deny him the opportunity to spend Easter with his child.

As for your present husband and your family, they have no say in this situation and you should NOT allow them to influence your decision making. Your ex-husband is your child’s biological father. His needs and desires where his child is concerned are more important than the needs and desires of her step-father, aunt or grandmother. You need to let them know that your daughter having a relationship with her father is more important than how they feel about the situation.

Bottom line, this is a problem that should be dealt with between you and your ex-husband. No one else should have a say or be given the impression that they have a right to an opinion. If others tell you they will be upset you need to remind them that they have no legal or moral right to be upset when it comes to how you handle you and your ex deal with what is best for his and your daughter.

My best,
Cathy

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