Since separating from my ex-husband three years ago, I haven’t slept with many men; in fact, less than a handful.

Oh – let me clarify:  I mean actually sleeping with men. 

This has been the case for two reasons.  One, I haven’t wanted to sleep beside most of them.  And two, I usually have my kids at home and don’t want to expose them to my dating/sex life.

Thus, the few times I have actually slept with men, their presence in my bed was VERY obvious to me.  Sure, the cuddling and stuff was really nice.  But the quality of my sleep was sorely lacking!  

The first man jarred me awake all night with his SNORING.  God, that was a ruckus I’d prefer to forget!  It quickly brought up memories of my ex-husband snoring, especially after a night of drinking whiskey.  The thing is, with my ex, I could get grumpy and shake him hard (or kick him *smile).  But with my new lover, I obviously showed restraint…and I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the ‘man-sounds’ whistling and bellowing beside me.

Then there was Chad, my now-gone Friend With Benefits.  He had “I’m a  longtime bachelor” written all over his sleeping.  He liked to lie on his stomach -  not neatly, on his side of the bed, but in a starfish position.  And as I lay there restlessly trying to find an inch of free mattress, NOTHING would wake this guy up.  I mean nothing.  You could tell he’d never gotten up with a crying baby or toddler who wet the bed.  And when he woke up in the morning all smiling and refreshed, he couldn’t believe I hadn’t slept well too!

And last, but certainly not least, there was the ’twitcher’.  This man went into a deeeeeeep sleep but would twitch every minute or so.  I lay there waiting for it to pass – It will pass, I thought, willing myself to ignore it.  But two hours later, then awoken for the 20th time, I resigned myself to a loooooog night.

I know some day I will want to have a special man sleep beside me.  And I’ll want him there every night.  And whether he snores or hogs the bed or twitches, I know I’ll just get used to it. 

 But in the meantime, until he comes along, note to self:  Always make sure you can take a nap the next day, Delaine.  Sleeping with men can be exhausting:).

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ‘serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there? Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another.

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code and keep hormones in check (and YES guys, women can feel this way too!).

So what ‘should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t.

Why We’re Damned If We Do Sleep With Him

First, even though it’s the year 2010, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly, that alone might kill his interest.  Yes, it’s the old school, I-want-a-’Good-Girl’ thing, which is unfair and judgmental.  But this  kind of thinking is still alive and well so our being ‘branded’ is always a risk.

Secondly, if we have sex early in the relationship – say, after the fourth date  -  we are at risk of having our brains consumed by what I call the ‘Lust Cloud.’  Even though we don’t really know our partners, the Lust Cloud will fill in the empty spaces with what we ‘hope’ the other person is instead of who he really is. All our senses are heightened, the world seems to dance in vibrant color, as our newly-released passion courses through our veins day and night.  So powerful is our passion, so intoxicated are we to taste it again, that our drunk minds overlook warning signs and convince our hearts to start dangerously wondering:  Might this be true love? Phew – talk about distorted thinking!  But in live-time, it’s hard not to ride that train.

Why We’re Damned If We Don’t Sleep With Him

Saying ‘no’ to sex early on in the relationship can bring on a whole other slew of challenges. Number one, as my girlfriend Amy’s date story showed, it can be mentally and physically frustrating NOT to act on our strong physical desire.  Sure, it depends on the woman and her libido – but hey, don’t judge her if hers is greater than yours; not everyone is good at going months (or years) without sex.

Secondly, if we fight off our desire to have sex with him early in the relationship and slowly come to the realization he isn’t The One, didn’t we, in a way, just miss out on a potentially fantastic, short-term sexual relationship?  Isn’t there something to be said for enjoying any kind of passion we experience, even if it doesn’t turn into True Love? Again, this depends on each individual woman and what she can handle; I’m not going to tell anyone what’s best for her.  But I will point out that sex is a normal, healthy, beautiful experience whether it’s experienced under the canopy of ‘like’ or ‘love.’  And ALL our sexual experiences can be used as tools to teach us something about ourselves, our bodies, men, and even life.

Thirdly, if we wait a long period of time before taking a new partner to bed, we run the risk of them being, well….a lousy lover.  I recently heard the story of a 35-year-old divorced mom who didn’t have sex with her new man for three months.  By this point, she was in love with him and they were making serious plans for their future.  When they finally decided to make love, it turned out her partner had serious erectile problems – he’d had them for years.  Look where following the Rule Book got her…(shaking head); would you want to be in her bed?

Tossing The Rule Book

No matter how many happy couples you poll, you’ll hear of ‘happy endings’ from those who had sex right away, as well as from those who waited months.  So in the end, I think it’s important that we not get too caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ of a outdated rule book that guarantees nothing except feelings of upset or guilt when we follow it and it doesn’t work out.  My only real conclusion at this point is that one should exercise a little bit of caution, a little bit of restraint, and work at being a BIG bit happy with herself and the choices she makes.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make some ‘well-made mistakes’ as I try to find my new Mr Right, than make ‘well-made excuses’ for how I’ve lived/not lived my life.

But for those of you who might find yourself in the same situation as for my ‘frisky’ friend Amy, who’s STILL determined to wait till the third date before having sex, I’ll advise you in the same girlfriend way I did with her:  The next time you see him  a)  don’t shave you legs or bikini before going out.   And b)  if you’re ovulating, for God’s sake, cancel!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Dating Can Be As Much Of  A Mirror As A Full-On Relationship

One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

Trying To Understand Men: The Buy-Her-A-Drink Pick-Up Method

Ten tips on love?

Catchy, isn’t it? If only it were that simple – as easy as a sound bite, or the Idiot’s Guide to Love – ways to hop on and off the love-go-round and grab that brass ring once and for all. Step right up! Great love, loyalty, passion! And a no-boredom money-back guarantee!

We all want tips on love. Practical advice to help the guy get the girl, to rekindle the marital relationship, or to heal the broken heart.

Possible?

When it comes to love (in all its incarnations), I feel like a veteran of foreign wars. And I know I’m not alone in that.

Plenty of us feel like we deserve a purple heart for heroic deeds, skirmishes survived, and past service. So… is that it? Am I done? Are you?

Hmm. As for me, probably not. You never know what might be just around the corner – online, at the local Starbucks, or your favorite bookstore. But I don’t think there are easy tips, at any age.

Surprise, surprise

When you’ve been through romance, marriage, divorce, possibly remarriage – hopefully you get a little wiser. I know I’ve learned a few things. Among them, that we can all be (happily) surprised! Last spring I was talking on the phone to my 75-year old aunt, widowed after forty years of marriage. She’d met someone, and was in love. How cool is that?

My OMG moments this week were overflowing with mixed emotions. I sent one teen off to college, just as I was processing the shock over my 16-year old’s blossoming babe magnet status. I’m holding my breath, on all counts…

A simpler approach

I don’t think love is ever simple. Not parental love, not friendship love, and certainly not romantic love in all its shades and variations.

Ten tips on love? Don’t think so. But I do believe we can give ourselves a better chance at finding and keeping love, with a few things I’ve picked up along the way.

• Know yourself. The more you know about what melts your heart, the easier it is to let down your guard. And if your gut is telling you to walk away, do it. Quickly.
• Statistics and logistics. It’s common sense. If you live where the ratio of potential partners is in your favor, you stand a better probability of meeting someone to love. Four hours apart and six kids between you? The logistics aren’t in your favor.
• Social and communication skills. If you’re outgoing and easy to talk to, you’re more likely to engage and be engaged, so the odds go up of meeting all kinds of people, including potential partners. Listening and talking (both) will help sustain a relationship, once you’re in it. Or let you know it’s time to move on.
• Most of us have a physical type – whatever the reason for it, I think it tends to stick. Going against type – physically – may leave you wanting. (Personally, I think it’s a mistake to go against physical type, unless sex is unimportant to you.)
• We also have an emotional type – though it changes as we gain experience and our perceptions evolve. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons that people don’t mate for life – and shouldn’t be faulted for it. Needs change. It’s neither good nor bad. It just “is.”

What more can I offer?

After a pretty exhausting week of goodbyes, hellos, more goodbyes, too many trips to the airport, too many tears on the train – I think it’s Bloody Mary time, heavy on the fresh ground pepper.

Other than that, all I can offer is a sense of humor (on a good day), and hot shoes, anytime – just in case…

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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“I read your article that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.   My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker!  So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?”

When it comes right down it, I think every woman/man has to that ‘time’ decision for herself/himself.  So many factors come into play, ie: how long you’ve been separated, how much you trust your intuition, your confidence level, your comfort with the online medium, etc.

The very first man I met off a dating site I treated like a sociopath.  Seriously – I must have asked him a thousand questions over a period of three weeks before agreeing to meet.  And though I now look back on that and chuckle, I know I was in a different head/heart-space back then.  Moreover, I was shocked and kinda frightened by the dynamic world of e-dating.  I needed time to adjust, so I took it – and so should you.  My golden rule: never allow anyone to pressure you into meeting before YOU think you’re ready.  Period.

 My approach to e-dating today is way more relaxed in some ways, yet stricter in others.  I tend to rely heavily on my intuition, how ever communication transpires.  (Remember, I’ve been accused of brushing men off too easilyJ).

As a general rule, I tend to exchange a handful of emails with a man, or have a few brief IM chats  (I don’t have hours to chat so I keep them under a half-hour).  Usually I have a phone conversation with him too – the phone is way more telling than the computer in my books.

I’m also always on the look-out for red flags – you know, if he’s secretive, if he won’t send photos, if his IM response time is delayed as if he’s talking to another woman simultaneously… 

 And even if I do meet a man in person, I don’t normally give out my address, phone number, or any info on my kids.   AND I make sure we meet in a public place.

I think common sense and intuition go a long way in the e-dating world.    And as my wise best friend Hali once said to me, “If you meet a guy in a bar and give him your phone number without knowing much about him, he could just as easily be a stalker or freak as these guys you screen online.”  I agree.

 Delaine