Ten tips on love?

Catchy, isn’t it? If only it were that simple – as easy as a sound bite, or the Idiot’s Guide to Love – ways to hop on and off the love-go-round and grab that brass ring once and for all. Step right up! Great love, loyalty, passion! And a no-boredom money-back guarantee!

We all want tips on love. Practical advice to help the guy get the girl, to rekindle the marital relationship, or to heal the broken heart.

Possible?

When it comes to love (in all its incarnations), I feel like a veteran of foreign wars. And I know I’m not alone in that.

Plenty of us feel like we deserve a purple heart for heroic deeds, skirmishes survived, and past service. So… is that it? Am I done? Are you?

Hmm. As for me, probably not. You never know what might be just around the corner – online, at the local Starbucks, or your favorite bookstore. But I don’t think there are easy tips, at any age.

Surprise, surprise

When you’ve been through romance, marriage, divorce, possibly remarriage – hopefully you get a little wiser. I know I’ve learned a few things. Among them, that we can all be (happily) surprised! Last spring I was talking on the phone to my 75-year old aunt, widowed after forty years of marriage. She’d met someone, and was in love. How cool is that?

My OMG moments this week were overflowing with mixed emotions. I sent one teen off to college, just as I was processing the shock over my 16-year old’s blossoming babe magnet status. I’m holding my breath, on all counts…

A simpler approach

I don’t think love is ever simple. Not parental love, not friendship love, and certainly not romantic love in all its shades and variations.

Ten tips on love? Don’t think so. But I do believe we can give ourselves a better chance at finding and keeping love, with a few things I’ve picked up along the way.

• Know yourself. The more you know about what melts your heart, the easier it is to let down your guard. And if your gut is telling you to walk away, do it. Quickly.
• Statistics and logistics. It’s common sense. If you live where the ratio of potential partners is in your favor, you stand a better probability of meeting someone to love. Four hours apart and six kids between you? The logistics aren’t in your favor.
• Social and communication skills. If you’re outgoing and easy to talk to, you’re more likely to engage and be engaged, so the odds go up of meeting all kinds of people, including potential partners. Listening and talking (both) will help sustain a relationship, once you’re in it. Or let you know it’s time to move on.
• Most of us have a physical type – whatever the reason for it, I think it tends to stick. Going against type – physically – may leave you wanting. (Personally, I think it’s a mistake to go against physical type, unless sex is unimportant to you.)
• We also have an emotional type – though it changes as we gain experience and our perceptions evolve. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons that people don’t mate for life – and shouldn’t be faulted for it. Needs change. It’s neither good nor bad. It just “is.”

What more can I offer?

After a pretty exhausting week of goodbyes, hellos, more goodbyes, too many trips to the airport, too many tears on the train – I think it’s Bloody Mary time, heavy on the fresh ground pepper.

Other than that, all I can offer is a sense of humor (on a good day), and hot shoes, anytime – just in case…

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Yesterday, I received a letter from a newly-separated woman who’d recently signed up on a dating site.  She wrote: 

 “I read your article that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.   My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker!  So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?”

When it comes right down it, I think every woman/man has to that ‘time’ decision for herself/himself.  So many factors come into play, ie: how long you’ve been separated, how much you trust your intuition, your confidence level, your comfort with the online medium, etc.

The very first man I met off a dating site I treated like a sociopath.  Seriously – I must have asked him a thousand questions over a period of three weeks before agreeing to meet.  And though I now look back on that and chuckle, I know I was in a different head/heart-space back then.  Moreover, I was shocked and kinda frightened by the dynamic world of e-dating.  I needed time to adjust, so I took it – and so should you.  My golden rule: never allow anyone to pressure you into meeting before YOU think you’re ready.  Period.

My approach to e-dating today is way more relaxed in some ways, yet stricter in others.  I tend to rely heavily on my intuition, how ever communication transpires.  (Remember, I’ve been accused of brushing men off too easilyJ). 

As a general rule, I tend to exchange a handful of emails with a man, or have a few brief IM chats  (I don’t have hours to chat so I keep them under a half-hour).  Usually I have a phone conversation with him too – the phone is way more telling than the computer in my books.   

I’m also always on the look-out for red flags – you know, if he’s secretive, if he won’t send photos, if his IM response time is delayed as if he’s talking to another woman simultaneously… 

And even if I do meet a man in person, I don’t normally give out my address, phone number, or any info on my kids.   AND I make sure we meet in a public place.

I think common sense and intuition go a long way in the e-dating world.    And as my wise best friend Hali once said to me, “If you meet a guy in a bar and give him your phone number without knowing much about him, he could just as easily be a stalker or freak as these guys you screen online.”  I agree.

 Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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