Oh, the wild and wacky world of e-dating.  You’d think that by now, I’d be used to the insanity of it having been on and off sites for almost three years.  But THIS message, just in,  STILL caught me off guard:

Hi gorgeous!  You are one fine looking lady, phew! lol.  Where do you want to go?  What do you want to do?  Money’s no object.  I’m married but good-looking and I’m rich LOL.  My number is (780) &&&-****.  Hurry up now..I’m waiting LOL.

Now I’ve received numerous emails from married men since going online.  But for the most part, I’ve usually just ignored them (rolled my eyes and deleted).  And luckily, most men  take that as  “Not interested.  Go away.”  But when I received the above email, I was in a bad mood and it irritated the heck out of me.  So I replied:

Might I suggest you hold your breath while you wait? 

And as soon as I hit the send button, I felt MUCH better. 

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve been much heavier handed than that: I’ve pounded out the odd expletive ending with the word “off.”  And yet on one other occasion, I took the time to sarcastically reply:   Right…so you’re married and obviously unhappy yet you want me to help you figure out your screw-up head with my time and potentially my heart.  Gee, how appealing.

Ah but ladies…the married man is a persistent breed, is he not?  And sometimes if we communicate with him at all, in ANY manner, he sees it as an invitation to keep trying; he wants what he can’t have, right?  “Oh, you’re so fiery!  Now I REALLY want to meet you!”  or “God, I’d bet you be so hot in bed!”  they’ll come back with.  ANYTHING to prop a door open.  And why not?  I guess in their minds they have nothing to lose.

So tell me ladies if and how you’ve dealt with married men during your online adventures -  any good one-line comebacks?  Any horror stories to tell? 

Cause rest assured that in this vast online world, not only do such lowly creatures prowl, so too, do their more manipulative counterparts:  the ones who downright lie and pretend they’re single.  Even my MOM dated one of those.  And gutsy lady she is, when she found out he was married (they were out at a fancy social event), she walked right up to him in her classy dress, wine glass in hand…

AND poured it on him!

Delaine  www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

A Man Who Earns Me

When You’re Kind of a Chameleon, How Do You Know What “Type” You Like?

The Dating “Gloom & Doom” Bandwagon

Can cheating on your spouse end up saving your marriage? According to Noel Biderman in his new book, Cheaters Proper, How Infidelity Will Save The Modern Marriage, the answer, believe it or not, is yes.

Who is this Noel Biderman?  This native Torontonian is the CEO and founder of  The Ashley Madison Agency, an online dating service that helps married men and women cheat on their spouses.  With more than four million members and still growing fast, Biderman created his company back in 2001 by catering to a huge untapped market:  unhappy, bored, and/or unfulfilled husbands and wives.  Hence the slogan: ”take the monotony out of monogamy.”

Last Tuesday, Biderman was interviewed with his wife (yes, he’s happily married and both say they’ve never cheated) on CTV’s Canada AM about the premise of his controversial new book – that is, infidelity can be a positive thing for a marriage. He says that although people cheat for varying reasons, at the core it’s about people being unhappy and suffering – and their biological drive to ‘”change that.”  Through having an affair, they often become better partners, better parents, better bosses, better friends…over all, just happier.   And that’s something us North Americans have a hard time swallowing -  Biderman pointed to other cultures like  France and Japan where infidelity rates are extremely high, but their divorce rates are low.   He says they “put (cheating and divorce) in a new perspective.”

Oftentimes cheaters try to communicate their unhappiness to their spouses, Biderman said, but don’t know how to express or discuss it.   Moreover, they’re terrified of how thier spouses might react/retaliate if they  attempt to go there at all.   Nonetheless, he says “75%  of marriages DO survive” infidelity and those relationships become stronger as a result; infidelity becomes a catalyst for change and can bring couples closer in the long run.

Whether we agree with Biderman’s views or not, there’s no doubt that marriage and the concept of monogamy are seriously taking a beating in our culture.  So what do you think – should we/could we work harder to hold marriages and relationships together after an affair is exposed?  Does our culture make it harder to accept infidelity than others?  And ultimately, now that you’re divorcing or have moved through one, do you think monogamy is on its way out?

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

Other Articles:

Turning an Unwanted Divorce into an Opportunity

Depression…Do You Get It?

Are You Selfish Enough?

So a woman I know received a proposition this week from a man online.  We’re still trying to figure out if we think it’s indecent.  Is it different?  Yes.  Freaky?  Borderline.  Is she considering it?  Hmmmm…kind of.

First I should mention, she’s met him in person already.  He apparently seemed totally normal.  He even seemed smart and kinda funny.  ”What did he look like?” You ask.  Well, let’s just say my friend is smiling.

Here’s the catch.  This large, attractive, intelligent man has an unusual desire: he wants to be her domestic – as in down on his hands and knees, cleaning her toilets and floors and whatever else she wants him to do.  Oh – and he wants to do it for free, whenever she wants, wearing whatever she wants him to wear.  And it’s totally up to her whether she wants to watch him do it, take a nap, talk on the phone, or do whatever, as he scrubs away.

Now I’ve heard of men who enjoy being submissive to women.  (I said ‘heard’, not ‘gone out with.’ ) And I understand that submissiveness can involve a variety of tasks and roles.  And once my friend  got over the initial shock of his offer, her practical side switched into high gear:  she could REALLY use some help with the cleaning when the kids are in school!

He asked:  “Are you sure you won’t feel guilty?  Cause I think most women would feel guilty having a man do the housework for them.  I don’t want you feel indebted to me.  You have to believe that me cleaning your toilets is my role.”

Hmmm.  “I see,” she responded.

“That’s really important to me,”  he said again.  “You can not feel guilty for making me clean your house.  Even if I don’t enjoy it, you’re the boss.  If I don’t do it good enough, you’re entitled to make me redo it until it’s up to your standards.  The terms are yours to decide.”

“I see,”  she said again.  “Hmmmm.”  Then:  “You know, I really don’t think I’d have an issue with it.  If being a domestic is what you need to do to feel good then who am I to judge?”

“I will please you however you want, Ma’am.”

“ANY way I want?” She asked with a smile.

“You’re the boss Ma’am.”

So what do you think?  Do you think she’s crazy to even consider this proposition?  Or would she be crazy NOT to accept?  Would you feel too guilty to even entertain the idea?

 It was my greatest fear when I began online dating: that a child predator would feign interest in me in order to get to my kids.  And today, though I’m much more comfortable with this medium, AND, I’ve still never introduced a man to my children, it’s always at the back of my mind.

According to Joe Tracy, Publisher of Online Dating Magazine which is a consumer watchdog for online daters, “there are some sexual predators and sex offenders who specifically use online dating services to target single parents in order to get to their kids.  It doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen.”

Paul Falzone, CEO of Together Dating, says that for most of the 40 million people using dating sites, a disastrous 15 minutes over coffee at Starbucks is the worst they will suffer.  Falzone’s dating site performs background checks on all members and results in 10% of applicants being rejected. 

But Dr. James Houran, a spokesperson and feature columnist at Online Dating Magazine, says we should never rely on dating sites that say they screen out predators.  It is our responsibility to protect our and our family’s safety.

“The best protection is to use your head in matters of the heart,” says Houran.  “Do not get so caught up in the excitement of online dating that you are not constantly alert.  Instead, assume everyone online is a potential predator.”

The following online tips to single parents are recommended by Online Dating Magazine:

1) Never post photos of your children in your profile or anywhere online.

2) Don’t talk about your children in your profile.

3) Don’t mention what gender your children are.

4) If you’re dating someone, wait several months – until you are more serious – before introducing your date to your children.

5) Run a background and sex offender check on the person you’re dating before introducing them to your children.

Please refer to www.saferonlinedating.org to view lists of background check websites by state.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

“I read your article that said you don’t spend a lot of time talking to prospective dates on the phone or IM because you find it sets up false expectations.   My concern is that I’m going to meet a wacko or stalker!  So how long DO you talk to online men before meeting face-to-face?”

When it comes right down it, I think every woman/man has to that ‘time’ decision for herself/himself.  So many factors come into play, ie: how long you’ve been separated, how much you trust your intuition, your confidence level, your comfort with the online medium, etc.

The very first man I met off a dating site I treated like a sociopath.  Seriously – I must have asked him a thousand questions over a period of three weeks before agreeing to meet.  And though I now look back on that and chuckle, I know I was in a different head/heart-space back then.  Moreover, I was shocked and kinda frightened by the dynamic world of e-dating.  I needed time to adjust, so I took it – and so should you.  My golden rule: never allow anyone to pressure you into meeting before YOU think you’re ready.  Period.

 My approach to e-dating today is way more relaxed in some ways, yet stricter in others.  I tend to rely heavily on my intuition, how ever communication transpires.  (Remember, I’ve been accused of brushing men off too easilyJ).

As a general rule, I tend to exchange a handful of emails with a man, or have a few brief IM chats  (I don’t have hours to chat so I keep them under a half-hour).  Usually I have a phone conversation with him too – the phone is way more telling than the computer in my books.

I’m also always on the look-out for red flags – you know, if he’s secretive, if he won’t send photos, if his IM response time is delayed as if he’s talking to another woman simultaneously… 

 And even if I do meet a man in person, I don’t normally give out my address, phone number, or any info on my kids.   AND I make sure we meet in a public place.

I think common sense and intuition go a long way in the e-dating world.    And as my wise best friend Hali once said to me, “If you meet a guy in a bar and give him your phone number without knowing much about him, he could just as easily be a stalker or freak as these guys you screen online.”  I agree.

 Delaine

But I won’t talk to a man for hours/days before meeting him.  Why?  Cause I’ve found it consistently raises false expectations of who he is, and how we might click. 

When I talk to a man on Instant Messenger, I begin ‘filling him in’ – that is, I construct a mental and emotional sketch of who I hope him to be. The more we chat, the more elaborate that sketch becomes.

Same when I hear his voice on the phone.  Though it’s a more personal medium, the phone makes my ‘fill in’ process go wild.  I imagine him talking to me in person; how he carries himself, how he looks at me, the energy he has about him. 

The flesh and blood meeting is then set up for a reality jolt.  That mesmerizing deep voice, those beautifully constructed sentences, came from someone I have no chemistry with in person. 

When I initially meet a man in person, I can usually decide within the first five to ten minutes if I’m interested.  So why waste excessive valuable time chatting beforehand?  Sure, he might make a great ‘friend’ – but as a single, working mom of three, I have trouble making time for my best friends.  I’m simply not willing to sacrifice this precious resource for every online date.

Delaine

 www.iamdivorcednotdead.com    

When I’m out on a first date with a man, I pay attention to how he treats the server.  I notice:

Is he friendly?

I do this to assess how respectful he is of different people, and to gage what he’d be like in other social settings. 

 But when I watch my date interacting with a female server, I’m also looking for ‘other things’:  

• Does he joke around too much with her?
• Does his face light up too much when she comes back to the table?
• Does he look at her chest?
• Does he look at her butt as she walks away?

Now I’ve been on a few dates where this has happened.  I remember one time I made excuses for him.  After all, her shirt was really low cut and ‘the girls’ were hard to miss.

But if the tables were turned, and some really hunky male server was smiling at me from tableside, I would never allow my eyes to linger on his broad chest…or his mesmerizing smile…or downwards towards his package.

I know that men are visual creatures. But when a man is on a date with ME, it’s like, “Get some self-control buddy.  I’m sure you’ve seen boobs before!”  

I’ve heard it said that men who cheat are the kind, when they’re out with their buddies, who will give extra attention to a pretty waitress.  They will go beyond flirting in that, when she walks away from the table, he’ll continue making comments aloud to his buddies about her. 

I don’t want be uptight and overly-judgmental with men.  But I also don’t want to make excuses for men’s ‘visual natures.”  How obvious is the line suppose to be?  

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com   

“Why’s a hot babe like you still on here?”

Over the past couple of months, men from the dating site, Lavalife, have started asking me the above question. The question comes in various renditions, from a simple “STILL on here, eh?” to “I can’t believe you still haven’t been snatched up!”Time and time again though, my reaction has been the same: to roll my eyes. I mean, do they think I don’t know that I’ve been on there for over a year?

Half-amused, half-irritated, I imagine shocking them with a reply like:

1) The reason I’m still on here is because most of you men my age are fat, ugly, and balding.

2) I tend to date younger men cause they’re hot and fun in bed. But we don’t have much else in common so I lose interest quickly.

3) In your profiles, you all seem like carbon copies of one another – you’re “easy-going, go to the gym, work hard/play hard, enjoy hockey, drinking beer and playing pool…. ” Tell me, how is that suppose to be interesting to ME? Maybe you should date a guy.

4) Just cause I’m attractive and smart enough to put two sentences together doesn’t mean I’m looking for serious – that’s why I’m in the DATING section. Kapeesh?

5) No man I’m met thus far has really piqued my interest. Isn’t that pretty elementary to understand?

6) Do you not have anything better to do than act as the self-appointed dating police?

Sometimes I feel like the question is full of innuendo, like what they’re really asking is “So what’s wrong with you?” And that’s when I REALLY have fun with my imaginary replies; I want to make them run away screaming! Of course these are lies, but here’s what I think:

1) The reason I’m still on here is cause I’m actually a psycho divorcee who has so much baggage, I scare men off. Do you have a problem with my seeing a shrink three times a week?

2) At the core, I really hate men. But I’m working on it. Please be patient with me…

3) Because those photos I posted aren’t really me – I’m actually really ugly and fat but love to have phone sex.

4) Because I love money – money-money-money. Hate me if you must but a girl likes what a girl likes.

5) Because I don’t trim my pubic hair.  Or arm pit.  Or leg hair. Most men seem to have a problem with that – do YOU?

In the end, what I really say to these dating police officers is nothing. That’s right – absolutely nothing. I’ll just let them wonder…ponder…till they go away. Besides, I know part of them is using their question to entice me into communicating with them; that ploy is pretty transparent.

No…instead, I just roll my eyes at their messages, have a laugh and keep on with my day. After all, I don’t have to explain myself to any man. And I like it.

Delaine