If you are like me you aren’t into one night stands. Waking up in the morning next to your new lover won’t happen after a night out and too many drinks.

You will know his first and last name, more than likely his mother’s name and many details that have led you to believe he is the one you want to share your first sleepover with post divorce.

I remember my first post divorce love fondly. Especially that first sleepover and the preparation that went into making it perfect for both of us. And it was perfect! He didn’t turn out to be Mr. Right but memories of the excitement I felt and the warmth and romance of that night will be with me forever.

So, whether you are hoping for a long-term relationship or just special time with that special someone following the tips below will ensure there will be a next time and some very pleasant memories of your first time:

1. You don’t want to be rushed the morning after so plan your first sleepover the night before a day off. Nothing is sweeter than being able to linger in bed the morning after. Pillow talk!

2. Make sure your bedroom is age appropriate. You are a grown woman! If you have a sock monkey or favorite teddy lounging on the bed, find a new place for them to spend the night. Few guys want to get freaky with a woman while surrounded by her stuffed animals.

3. Set the atmosphere. This takes care of two issues. If it is the first time you’ve been naked in front of a man since your divorce, the right lighting will take care of any body image fears. Turn off all over-head lights and use lamps with low watt light bulbs. Throw a pretty scarf over a lamp for even more flattering and dramatic lighting. And of course use candles but only one or two, you don’t want to overdo it. I suggest unscented candles that won’t distract from natural body odor or any scent you choose to wear.

4. Since he is staying the night have on hand anything he may need to ready himself for the next day. Buy an extra toothbrush, manly soap and have on hand disposable razors and shaving cream. Let him know you want him to feel pampered and special before leaving your home.

5. To keep down distractions turn off your cell, answering machine and land line. If you have children make sure they have an alternate number to call in case of emergencies. You don’t want your fun interrupted by distractions of any kind.

6. Stash the pets and kids in a safe place. I’m sure if he likes you well enough to sleepover he likes them also BUT he is there to sleep with you, not pet Buster or socialize with little Danny and Marie. Make sure they are safe and sound and keep your focus on the job at hand…an evening of fun adult activities.

7. Prepare the drawer in your nightstand with all the accoutrements a girl might need for a night of passion. You will need condoms; the best you can guy will offer the best protection. A tiny box of tissue comes in handy for any needed clean-up. And personal lubricant is a must if you are planning a sexual marathon.

8. Stock the frig with breakfast foods. Fresh brewing coffee, fruit and cereal to restore energy can be a sexy morning after treat. They do say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!

What to wear?  What to say?  How to act?  Desperation and nerves sink in.  You haven’t had a date in 15 years, are you crazy?  No, you are divorced!

This seemed like such a good idea when the papers were finalized.  The excitement of someone new and unfamiliar, getting spruced up for a night out on the town, but now that the reality of that first date is upon you, you feel nothing but anxiety and fear.

You joined the online dating site thinking it would be easy.  Easy to get a date and even easier to go on a date.  You thought it would be like riding a bike, something you never forget how to do.  But, suddenly, you have forgotten.  The rules have changed, the players have changed and someone forgot to send the new and improved manual.  What are you supposed to do?

The first thing you do is go through your closet, maybe even buy something new.  You shower, shave, dry your hair, put on your make up and put on that new outfit.  A final sprits of perfume and you show up 10 minutes early.

You listened to your friends warn you to never allowing a man you don’t know to pick you up.  But, where you come from, back in the day, the man always picked you up and where you come from online dating didn’t even exist.  You hope you recognize him.  A picture says a thousand words, but what if the picture on his profile was from 1952?

You meet, and he’s not half bad looking in the right kind of light.  He seems a bit desperate and his palms are sweaty when you shake hands hello.  You order a glass of wine, which he brings you from the bar.  He is nice.  He is nervous.  You wish you were home in your own bed watching Weeds or The Good Wife.  You smooth down your skirt and run a shaky hand through your hair while sipping your wine.  You hope you don’t spill down the front of your dress.

You haven’t had to make this much small talk since your ex-husband’s Christmas party at his firm a few years ago.  You don’t want to talk about your divorce or think about your ex, but you can’t help but compare your date to him.

You notice he doesn’t have as much hair and is a bit chubbier.  His teeth are yellowing and his gums are receding.  He chews with his mouth open.  You want to tell him about your divorce, but read that discussing the ex is a no-no on a first date, so you keep sipping your wine to keep the words from gushing out all over your first date.

And, through it all, you smile and laugh at the right places.  You look him in the eyes when you speak to him and ask plenty of questions.  You find out way to much about his kids, his ex and his dog.  Things you aren’t interested in.  Do you want dessert?  NO!  The wine gave you a headache and the glare from his bald spot is not helping any.  You need Advil and want to check your phone to see if your children have called.

At your car, you can’t wait to escape inside and drive off.  Please don’t kiss me, you are thinking, as you clumsily try to make your getaway.  Once in the car you realize, you had expectations.  They were huge.  This was the date that was supposed to sweep you into singlehood and make you realize the decision to get divorced was the right one.  This was the inaugural first date that was supposed to change your life.

This date was supposed to make you feel sexy, not sad.  He was supposed to make you feel like you were on top of the world, not like the world was on top of your shoulders.  You were supposed to feel lighter than air, not like you were weighted down with depression.  You were supposed to feel elated that you have the freedom to choose who you want to be with not upset over the choices you now have.

And, through all this, you still learned a very valuable lesson.  You learned that the next time…

1. You would not have high expectations, but expect nothing and be surprised if you got something.
2. You would try again, because this is part of post divorce.

This strange animal called dating.  And, you know that even though you didn’t want to do it again, you would go home and flip on the computer and stare at the hundreds of profiles wondering if one of the pictures would turn out to be Mr. Right, while choosing who you would contact for that second first date.

Lee Block is the vision behind the Post-Divorce Dating Club.  An online site where divorced men and women can mix, mingle and maybe meet.  A community of like-minded individuals not just for dating, but for learning and growing and maybe marriage.  Post-Divorce Dating Club offline is currently located in Houston, Texas, with plans to exand nationwide.  When Lee is not working on the launch of her Club, she can be found writing at The Post-Divorce Chronicles and Coaching at Post Divorce Group, LLC.

It’s been three and a half years since my ex-husband and I split up.  And since then, despite the many dates and mini-relationships I’ve had, I’m still single.  But I don’t think of this as being a ‘bad’ thing ; I think I’ve needed this time – to heal, to grow, to like myself more…and to get a much stronger sense of what a healthy relationship looks/feels like.

That being said, I want to bring up a conversation I shared with a divorced girlfriend the other day; it was a bit of an ‘aha‘ for me and I’m filing it away for reference for when I meet a potential Mr. Right:

My friend suggested that one flashing, yet oftentimes overlooked warning of an unhealthy relationship is when a woman constantly talks about her man’s potential instead of how he is – like right now, day-in day-out.  This woman talks a lot in the ‘future tense’, ie, he will be happy/more loving/more successful/a better father/ spouse when he gets a new job/believes himself more/is less stressed out/ finds his spiritual center etc.   Until he gets ‘there’ – wherever ‘there’ may be, she tolerates his poor treatment of her, buries her unhappiness and hurt (maybe even blames herself for it?), and may even makes excuses for his behavior.

Now please, let me clarify:  I’m NOT saying you should high-tail it out a relationship as soon as a rough patch arises in your partner’s life; we all go through those.  I’m talking about something much more insidious - it’s like a self-defeating, ongoing  ’dynamic’ that women may unconsciously get trapped in.  And I think some of us need reminding to clearly see someone for who he is and how he makes us feel…instead of who we hope and dream him to be.  

Of course my hand is waving in the air here - cause my tendency in past relationships has been to allow my romantic notions of who someone is to blind me.  Actually, it’s more than just my romanticism – it’s that I want to see the good in someone and focus on that. I’d always thought that was a  good thing…

But the problem is that there’s a fine yet dangerous line between believing in someone’s soul potential and seeing things that aren’t there and possibly never will be in this lifetime.  If he’s grumpy and mean and disrespectful to me now, chances are he’ll continue being this same way even when factor A, B or C is accomplished.  There’s a good chance that who he is NOW, how he treats me and the kids right now,  is exactly who he’ll always be.  And unless he decides he wants to rise into a bigger, better man, unless he decides he wants to treat me with the love and care I deserve, I’ll forever be living in an excuse-filled fantasy world that damages my soul.

Like I said, I’m filing this tidbit away for future reference with a potential Mr. Right.  Cause next time round, I want to do it right - and this will involve my focusing more on how I feel NOW versus ‘some day’.  I’ll also be paying closer attention to how I talk ‘out loud’ to my girlfriends about a man – cause really, that’s me thinking/feeling out loud, possibly even giving voice to incongruities.  And the bottom line is that if what I’m saying sounds like  a skunk and smells of a skunk, then goshdarnit, he IS a skunk.  And I’m done with weasels.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

So I spent the wee hours of last Monday night having a ‘private party’ with just me, a bottle of wine, and Alanis Morissette.  Of course, she was just playing on youtube… but I’ll tell you, the music from her album, Jagged Little Pill, sure did hit the spot  – especially the song, Ironic.  For you see, further to the last ‘date’ I went on, where the guy turned out to be a complete liar, a similar thing happened again a week later with a DIFFERENT guy! 

This man spent hours talking to me on the phone.  He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me AND he said numerous times that he was looking for a serious relationship.  

But when the day arrived that we were to meet me in person, he didn’t show up.  Not just that, he didn’t even phone!  Nor has he since…just, nothing.

So how is this ironic?  My friend, it’s not because I got duped two times in a row; heck, that happens to the best of us.  It’s ironic because I’d only recently decided that I WANT and am finally ready for a serious relationship.  And this has required I stop being so guarded and suspicious of men, and start trusting again – a scary thing to do, I know.  And what happened when I put myself back out there again?  Why I got duped and dumped SUPER fast!  

But the irony runs even deeper  – cause you see, while I was talking to this guy, my spider senses went off a couple of times; a few things he did seemed strange, i.e. him falling asleep on the phone one night.  But I brushed my suspicions off and consciously CHOSE to give him the benefit of the doubt instead: I chalked it down to me LOOKING FOR trouble (as per my habit) when there wasn’t any.    But in reality, my sense were right all along!    That’s a little too ironic…yeah, I really do think.

Please understand that I’m actually laughing about this - actually, that’s me up there in the photo saying, “What the h***?”  I moreso feel like the universe is giving me a test – as if it’s playfully taunting, ”Are you REALLY ready for a relationship, Amelia?  Or are you going to return to hiding out in your fortress if your Shining Knight doesn’t show up pronto?” 

But no, I didn’t seek cover and return to ‘hiding.’  Instead I shared my angst with Alanis on youtube over a bottle of wine…

And I laughed.  Cause as Alanis says, Cause what it all comes down to, is everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine!

Amelia

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com.

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Venturing into the online dating world can feel as scary as trekking through a dark, unknown wood.  Who lurk’eth in the shadows?  we can’t help but wonder.  Maybe “lions & ligers & bears, on my!”

As I set out on last weekend’s first-date ‘adventure,’ I admit I felt both nervous and excited.  Both on the phone and during our IM session, we’d had great chemistry.  Plus, given as he was a dentist and almost all of my family works in medicine, we had a lot in common.  

Sitting in the pub wearing a pretty dress and a fresh coat of lip-gloss, I waved as I saw him come through the entranceway. I stood up as he approached and shook his hand.  “Hi, I’m Amelia,” I said. 

“Wow, you’re so cute!” he said as we both sat down.

“Cute?  Like a puppy?”  I teased.

“Haha.  No, I mean HOT.  Sexy.  SUPER sexy.”  His eyes darted around. 

Immediately, my spider sense went off.  Something didn’t seem right…. But I ignored my intuition and went ahead and ordered wine from the waitress. 

Right away, he started talking about how he’d recently moved to our city.  “I’ve spent the last 10 years in Ottawa,” he said.  “I worked for Telus Communications…”  And as he rambled on about the team of computer technicians he oversaw, I sat there with a frozen smile on my face.

Finally, he stopped talking.  I looked him straight in the eyes and stated,  “You told me you were dentist.” 

Pase.  Squirm squirm.  Eyes darted. “Oh, did I? (laugh)  

“Yes, you did.  Remember?  My brother is a dentist and almost all of my family is in medicine?  We talked about it at great length.”

More laughing; looking away.  “Ohhhhh, that was you.  I was talking to like three different girls last night.  I must have got you confused.  Oh well.  It happens (laugh).”

I looked down at my purse and clenched the strap in my hand.  Decision was made.  “I’m leaving,” I announced as I stood up.

“Oh, c’mon!  Don’t you think you’re over reacting a bit?”

I paused for a second then looked down at him.  “No.  I’m not overreacting.  I just don’t date liars.” 

And I walked out.  Liars & tigers & snakes, good-bye!

Amelia www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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I’m old enough to know better, definitely smart of enough to know better but, I did it just the same. What? Shortly after my divorce I made a list of all the qualities my “perfect” man would have. Why did I do it? Because, it is something us women do regardless of how old or how smart we are.

My perfect man…

1. Is taller than five feet ten inches. What can I say, I like a man I can look up to.

2. Is not shinny. I prefer a man who has some meat on him. I’m quite zaftig and a larger man makes me feel “smaller.” It is a huge dose of denial on my part but it works.

3. Is financially viable. I do not want to support a freeloader, no matter how delicious he is. I don’t need him to take care of me but he better be able to take care of himself.

4. Is funny…I need a man who can laugh at life, himself and WITH me. It doesn’t pay to take things too seriously, especially in relationships with the opposite sex.

5. Is honest…about age, marital status, toupees, illnesses, children, criminal record, sexual diseases, and sexual oddities and FICO score.

6. May need Viagra and that is fine. Just don’t complain about the cost.

7. Must love dogs, especially my dogs.

8. Likes to read and share what he is reading in bed.

9. Has a commonality of beliefs and cultural background.

10. Has a good image of himself, is creative, loves his children, and has a life of his own.

Over the years I’ve dated men I met online, men my friends fixed me up with and men I managed to meet while squeezing melons or networking for my career. I’ve discovered one thing, there is no “perfect” man. Not my idea of perfect for me anyway.

I’ve also discovered that compromise and tolerance is needed and now have a new list, one full of compromise and tolerance. We are all, after all imperfect but in some very delicious ways!

My New Perfect Man…

1. Height is not that important to me anymore. If he is worth having I will look up to him no matter how tall.

2. What does it matter if a man is skinny or fat? Note to self: Consider a tummy tuck. That will help with the zaftig thing.

3. Honesty… if he wears a toupee or has a pacemaker, I can live with that.

3. Commonality of beliefs…still important. Although, a nice Italian or Catholic man is looking better by the month.

6. If he needs Viagra… I’ll chip in and won’t complain about the cost.

Does my revised list mean I’m settling? Nah, it means I’ve learned from experience. I’ve grown up and broadened my horizons. I no longer need the “perfect” man to come to my rescue. I don’t need a man at all because I have me and as it turns out there is more to like in a man than how tall he is how fat his or what kind of pension plan he has.

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1:  The Over-Compensator.  This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the most dangerous.  Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control.  In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens.  He may even talk-the-talk of someone who has processed his big life change, saying things like:  “People come together to for awhile to live and learn and grow but have to move on…”  How to identify him:  Keep asking questions.  And use your common sense.  Don’t be surprised if he says he’s only been separated for three weeks.

2.      The Brooder.  Easy to identify.  He’ll sing a song of woe.  He’s a victim, emotionally, financially, and in every other respect.    You’ll soon feel the heaviness of his company – that’s his luggage.  He hasn’t even begun to sort through it.

3.      The Blamer.  A hybrid of The Brooder, this bleeding man will come across more on the offence regarding his divorce. Biting remarks, looks of distaste, maybe even flashes of anger in his eyes and body language.  Whether his ex should be blamed or not is NOT the issue – the matter of his ability to let go IS.

4.      The Acting-Up Player.  Similar to the younger male Player, he is a grown up version with a few more grey hairs and a shinier car.  He’s a bed-hopper, beguiling with his charm and desire to have fun.  Not only is he seeking out thrills to mask his pain, he’s trying to prove to himself, and the world, that he still has ‘it.’  Processing his divorce has not yet arrived on his radar.

5.       Mr. Needy.  Pull in those heart strings ladies.  He may seem like all he wants to do is ‘love and be loved’ but really he’s just lost without a partner and desperately looking for a replacement.  He’ll try to move fast, see you every night if possible, and quickly talk about meeting his/your kids.  Won’t be long before most of your energy goes into ‘taking care of him’ verses spending time together.  Do you want a partner, or another child?

I’m not writing any of this to chew up separated men maliciously.  I’m saying this because I can see my former Separated Woman Self in all these categories too. 

No matter which road a separated person takes, the one that leads to recovery requires some tough self-love and TIME – time to adjust, heal and grow.  I just don’t want to see YOU in the situation where someone else is working out their shit with your valuable time and with your heart.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Submitted by Delaine

Over  two years ago, when my best friend Hali and I found ourselves newly separated and back out in the dating trenches, we kept hearing the term “Friends With Benefits.”   We both liked the sound of it and decided it was something we wanted.  After all, we weren’t ready for serious, but we wanted to have sex.  Thus a sexual ‘friendship’ verses a love relationship seemed the perfect alternative.

But to this day, such an arrangement has been elusive.  And Hali maintains that FwB is a ‘myth’.  This is what we’ve discovered:

1) one person can end up more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other and wants ‘more’

2) no matter how open minded people proclaim themselves to be, they have a hard time knowing that the other person is still actively dating and potentially having sex with someone else

4) the ‘rules of play’ are grey and ambiguous – is she supposed to wait until he calls her?  Or vice versa?  Or is it open-ended?  And at what time of day/night does it apply?  And how many times can he/she says “I’m busy”, (which is rejection) , before the other person feels disrespected and bows out?

5) the ‘friendship’ part is underdeveloped.  Can they watch movies together or go out for dinner too?  Or is it strictly sexual and only to transpire at one person’s house?  What are the boundaries for sharing other aspects of their lives: work, family, love/sex, interests, dreams etc.?

I’m not so sure I’d go so far as to say the FwB arrangement is a ‘myth’ like Hali does.  Cause I’ve heard people say they’ve had it.   I just wish I’d asked them more questions about it – found out what it really looked and felt like.   Cause maybe a level of communication is required in order for it to be fulfilling.  Or there again, maybe a level of DETACHMENT predominates the arrangement, and the word “friend’ needs new definition.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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I was trying to remember how long I’ve been divorced and couldn’t. I think based on that it can be said I’ve “moved on” from my divorce.

I didn’t however have any problem remembering how long it has been since my last relationship. It has been way to long! But, how do I solve this lack of a relationship, unless a man drops from the clouds onto my front porch that is.

Since I have no front porch and the heavens haven’t recently opened up and dropped anything my way I went to work and came up with a list of places I and you can meet men.

Top 10 Places to Meet Men

1. Through Charities and Volunteer Opportunities: What better place to meet a selfless, caring man? Want a man who cares about others? Get  busy doing for others yourself.

2. At Work: Not much opportunity here for me since I work from home but, if you work in an office start scoping out all the successful men around you. Should be easy pickins!

3. The Gym: OK, this is an easy one but one worth looking into. So, don’t forget to check out the hot guys with toned bodies next time you are at the gym feverishly trying to work off those chocolate chip cookies you had for breakfast.

4. Church: You won’t find Mr. Right sitting in the pew but take advantage of any singles groups your church has to offer and who knows, the heavens really might open up.

5. Sports Bars: Think about it. What are you going to find in a sports bar on game night? Men! Even better there will be way more men than women so the odds are in your favor.

6. Your Local Steak House: Looking for a chest thumping meat eater? Where better to find one than your neighborhood steak house. This is another game night place to hit. Nothing like a good game to arouse a man’s appetite. Nothing like a pretty woman to arouse his interest in the opposite sex.

7. Home Depot or Lowe’s: Most guys naturally love hardware stores. It is something in the genes. Check out your local hardware store on any Saturday morning or better yet, sign up for a class. Every woman needs to learn how to lay her own tile. If you get lucky, tile won’t be the only thing you are laying.

8. Local Parks: Not only are walking trails full of men but check out those ballgames that go on in your local park and recreation complex. Take your dog for a walk on a warm Saturday afternoon or sit through an evening baseball game. Fresh air is not the only benefit of spending a lazy afternoon at the park.

9. Barnes & Noble: Looking for a man with intellect or one that can at least read? Hurry on down to your local bookstore. Be warned though, you won’t find a man in the self-help section but check out any section to do with computers and mechanical material and you may hit pay dirt. Striking up a conversation can lead to coffee at your nearby Starbucks.

10. Take a Class: A man friendly class. Car maintenance, cooking, karate, all types of classes that draw both men and women. Find a local wine tasting course. You will learn useful information and can take full advantage of the mix and mingle after the class.

Happy Hunting!

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Submitted by Delaine

No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some, just check out Big Little Wolf’s post on the subject of women, relationships and money…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him? Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.”

Of the opinions I heard, two things were very clear:  First, this was a highly personal and sensitive subject.  The fear of being judged as ‘superficial’  was great.  As one friend put it, “If I say that money IS important, everyone assumes I’m a gold-digger and I’m not.  I just don’t want to invite more hardship or complications into my life.”

Second, it was obvious that many personal factors had  molded my friends’ unique opinions:  ie, whether they were moms/non-mothers, whether they’d maintained solid careers throughout their marriages or not, whether their hearts had been broken by infidelity, whether money had been an issue while married, etc.

So I’m putting the question out to you.  Does the size of a man’s wallet matter to you as you date again or not?  Why? My objective is not to start a war but to table an important issue that we all have feelings about, even if we don’t voice them aloud –  for whatever reaon.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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