Are you single? Sexually active? Do you assume your partner or partners are healthy?

Bad call.

Disease isn’t personal. It isn’t judgmental. It doesn’t know if you attend church, if you brush your teeth and floss. If you’ve only had two sexual partners in a lifetime, or 302.

What about your teenagers? Do they use condoms? Are you making assumptions, or looking the other way?

A recent article reports that sexually active teenagers (14-17) are doing far better at using condoms than adults.

Is this a case of do as I say, not do as I do? Is it time for us to look to our adolescents as models of healthy behavior?

I have to admit, I find the statistics in this article both reassuring (relative to teens) and disheartening (for adults). As a woman over 40 (and on my own for 9 years), I’m hardly a wild child, but nor have I relocated to the neighborhood nunnery. In my own experience, I’ve been surprised by the number of times that a condom wasn’t part of the courtship, and a firm request was required. That, or lab work – in writing.

Sexually active over 40, and beyond

What concerns me is the drop-off in condom use over 40, by both men and women, even among casual sex partners. However, the data reflect that condom usage is considerably higher  in black and Hispanic men.

Is there an assumption that a white man of a certain age is healthy? What other assumptions are we making about those we bed in middle-age and beyond?

In the 40-49 age group, condom use by women with casual partners is only 20%. In contrast, for the same age group among men, condom use with casual partners is roughly 35%. Now compare this to teens 14-17, male and female, with over 80% indicating condom use.

A woman’s view

Why are we disregarding the lessons of sexual health that we’re teaching our children? What role might self-image play in all this? What about our physicians?

Once I hit my late 40s, I was no longer asked if I was sexually active. Not by male doctors, nor female doctors. It was assumed that I was not, particularly as a divorced mother, working and raising kids. No discussion of birth control. No routine blood work for STDs. I had to request it – and do – as a responsible adult.

• Do these statistics concern you?
• Given the number of divorced adults over 40, shouldn’t condom use and routine testing be the norm?
• As women, are we embarrassed to buy condoms? To insist on their usage?
• How do you feel about providing them for your teens – just in case?

© D A Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

Since separating from my ex-husband three years ago, I haven’t slept with many men; in fact, less than a handful.

Oh – let me clarify:  I mean actually sleeping with men. 

This has been the case for two reasons.  One, I haven’t wanted to sleep beside most of them.  And two, I usually have my kids at home and don’t want to expose them to my dating/sex life.

Thus, the few times I have actually slept with men, their presence in my bed was VERY obvious to me.  Sure, the cuddling and stuff was really nice.  But the quality of my sleep was sorely lacking!  

The first man jarred me awake all night with his SNORING.  God, that was a ruckus I’d prefer to forget!  It quickly brought up memories of my ex-husband snoring, especially after a night of drinking whiskey.  The thing is, with my ex, I could get grumpy and shake him hard (or kick him *smile).  But with my new lover, I obviously showed restraint…and I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the ‘man-sounds’ whistling and bellowing beside me.

Then there was Chad, my now-gone Friend With Benefits.  He had “I’m a  longtime bachelor” written all over his sleeping.  He liked to lie on his stomach -  not neatly, on his side of the bed, but in a starfish position.  And as I lay there restlessly trying to find an inch of free mattress, NOTHING would wake this guy up.  I mean nothing.  You could tell he’d never gotten up with a crying baby or toddler who wet the bed.  And when he woke up in the morning all smiling and refreshed, he couldn’t believe I hadn’t slept well too!

And last, but certainly not least, there was the ’twitcher’.  This man went into a deeeeeeep sleep but would twitch every minute or so.  I lay there waiting for it to pass – It will pass, I thought, willing myself to ignore it.  But two hours later, then awoken for the 20th time, I resigned myself to a loooooog night.

I know some day I will want to have a special man sleep beside me.  And I’ll want him there every night.  And whether he snores or hogs the bed or twitches, I know I’ll just get used to it. 

 But in the meantime, until he comes along, note to self:  Always make sure you can take a nap the next day, Delaine.  Sleeping with men can be exhausting:).

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Did you get lucky this week?

Or should I say, did you score? Did you hook up? Or are you more comfortable if I ask if you made love?

Whatever you call it, great sex is great sex, right? Not exactly? Then do our distinctions in terminology serve us, or complicate matters?

When it comes to sex and love, these days – everyone seems confused. I can’t help but wonder if the problem is an issue of language, at least in part, and an implicitly assigned value system we ascribe to the words we use. Are we living by a hierarchy of intimate encounters that we judge in their aftermath?

Rules, no matter what

When we’re young, any sexual contact is a “score” – and may also be a credential, an obstacle to overcome, a source of embarrassment, or an accomplishment. Good, bad or indifferent, sex is a constant preoccupation, and not just for the young.

 The caveats and exceptions to the rules of engagement? They are many, including socially acceptable age ranges, mutual consent, guidelines about power relationships (like boss-employee or teacher-student). There are cultural and religious boundaries that reserve intimacy for marriage, the taboos against incest, and the impossible-to-unravel stigmas and myths around older man-younger woman, and older woman-younger man.

All that aside, “doing it” is considered a rite of passage. And once beyond that barrier, a vast area of self and other opens, and the real exploration unfolds.

Scorecard or report card?

So returning to the essence of my original question – did you have sex this week, or did you make love?  And why is it that at age 30, “making love” may rate an A on the report card, but “having sex” – even if it was fantastic – only earns a B? What about relations after a long marriage, then divorce at 40 or 50? Will sex of any sort garner high marks from the friends, without further qualification? Do these assessments vary by gender?

It seems we all swim (consciously or not) in a constantly shifting pool of approval (or not), a sort of system of standards tied to demographics, personal history, life stage, or all of the above. Must we really assign judgment to our assorted encounters – or authority to the judgment of others?

Great sex is great sex

Some say yes to the carnal side of life. Period. The sexual aspects of any relationship – one night or a lifetime – are fundamental.

Some don’t ask these questions. Or they pose them later in life, when they sense something is missing.

Others qualify their musings on this topic; perhaps the diversity of sexual encounters before, during and after long-term relationships enable them to do so. Their journeys have taught many shades of sexual expression, something beyond a simplistic mention of compatibility, or a tally of partners, positions and orgasms.

Some experience sex without investment in emotion as good and part of the many ways sexuality plays out. Tenderness, intimacy, and shared comforts needn’t be banished from the bedroom because the word “love” isn’t spoken.

Lovemaking

The distinction between sex and lovemaking is vital to some men and women. They seek lovemaking – a fusion of body and spirit; they assume, or ascribe love to acts of lovemaking.

When we introduce truly splendid sex into the mix, do some of us confuse it with love? Do we then call it lovemaking, grade it with the long-awaited “A,” and hang on too tightly?

Must you be “in love” to “make love?”

Men, women and sexual energy

I suspect that men and women grow similar in our inclinations as we gain experience, capable of recognizing the differences between sex with emotion and sex without. But then we’re back to individual perception. To history. To personal needs. Yes, we love great sex – but great lovemaking? Does that remain the fine bottle of wine worth the wait? The holy grail, for some more than others?

• What about sex as fun, or joyful exercise?
• What about the fact that sex is a natural anti-depressant?
• What about the way it energizes and fills us with a sense of being alive?

“Just sex”

“Just sex” is often the phrase reserved for the contrite cheating lover; it is dismissive and impersonal, rationalizing infidelity where fidelity is assumed. Sex is slotted into a compartment as a physical act, a bodily function. We place boundaries around it, separating it from lovemaking.

When we are honest with ourselves, isn’t “just sex” - sex? Enjoyable, mediocre, fabulous, empty, affirming, or whatever else any coupling might entail on a given day? Don’t we understand “just sex” quite well, especially if we’ve ever been married for a long period of time?

Eroticism

Where does eroticism slide into our sticky spectrum of sex to lovemaking? Does it fit somewhere along the scale we’ve devised – deserving of an A+ or extra credit? Does it exist in some other dimension altogether, veiled or tucked away beyond closed doors and discussion?

If eroticism involves the forbidden, the “little bit naughty” or something more, might it be as simple as sexy stilettos in bed? Is it the twists and turns of a supple body and a Tantric consciousness?

Is it role play for all participants, unusual locales, experimentation, games and toys, a provocative sharing of consensual attitudes and activities? Is it always about the thrill of pushing boundaries, even just a little?

When you move into realms of the erotic, the sexual magnetism of our partners may be heightened; encounters reverberate and replay in our minds, in our fantasies, and in our expectations and needs. We’ve journeyed to a new place in ourselves; we don’t want to lose sight of that landscape.

When the sex is extraordinary, must we convince ourselves it’s love? And why is love always tied to the A or the A+ in our assessment? Are we back to a socially-sanctioned hierarchy of sexual experience, in which the pinnacle is love?

Good is good, whatever you call it

Great sex may be soulful, imaginative, lighthearted, tender, unexpected, intense in sensation, and overflowing with emotion. It may also serve as a bridge to a deep place of self that longs for solace or celebration; we’ve experienced a loss or a win, and the connective tissue of shared emotion deepens the experience, even if only briefly. After all, our vulnerable selves are inside each other, joined, and we are quite literally not alone.

Why do we feel compelled to package, label, and channel sexual experiences into compartments? Do we manufacture love where it doesn’t exist in order to feel comfortable with splendid sex?

And if our hearts and lives are tenderly intertwined, whatever the assessment of our physical encounters,  are we not making love?

In this fusion, will there always be confusion?


© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

More Articles:

“Baby, This is Sex Not Love”

Sexual Adventure: Less Than a Bump & a Grind

G-Spot: A Gem of a Post-Divorce Discovery

As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ‘serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there? Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another.

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code and keep hormones in check (and YES guys, women can feel this way too!).

So what ‘should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t.

Why We’re Damned If We Do Sleep With Him

First, even though it’s the year 2010, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly, that alone might kill his interest.  Yes, it’s the old school, I-want-a-’Good-Girl’ thing, which is unfair and judgmental.  But this  kind of thinking is still alive and well so our being ‘branded’ is always a risk.

Secondly, if we have sex early in the relationship – say, after the fourth date  -  we are at risk of having our brains consumed by what I call the ‘Lust Cloud.’  Even though we don’t really know our partners, the Lust Cloud will fill in the empty spaces with what we ‘hope’ the other person is instead of who he really is. All our senses are heightened, the world seems to dance in vibrant color, as our newly-released passion courses through our veins day and night.  So powerful is our passion, so intoxicated are we to taste it again, that our drunk minds overlook warning signs and convince our hearts to start dangerously wondering:  Might this be true love? Phew – talk about distorted thinking!  But in live-time, it’s hard not to ride that train.

Why We’re Damned If We Don’t Sleep With Him

Saying ‘no’ to sex early on in the relationship can bring on a whole other slew of challenges. Number one, as my girlfriend Amy’s date story showed, it can be mentally and physically frustrating NOT to act on our strong physical desire.  Sure, it depends on the woman and her libido – but hey, don’t judge her if hers is greater than yours; not everyone is good at going months (or years) without sex.

Secondly, if we fight off our desire to have sex with him early in the relationship and slowly come to the realization he isn’t The One, didn’t we, in a way, just miss out on a potentially fantastic, short-term sexual relationship?  Isn’t there something to be said for enjoying any kind of passion we experience, even if it doesn’t turn into True Love? Again, this depends on each individual woman and what she can handle; I’m not going to tell anyone what’s best for her.  But I will point out that sex is a normal, healthy, beautiful experience whether it’s experienced under the canopy of ‘like’ or ‘love.’  And ALL our sexual experiences can be used as tools to teach us something about ourselves, our bodies, men, and even life.

Thirdly, if we wait a long period of time before taking a new partner to bed, we run the risk of them being, well….a lousy lover.  I recently heard the story of a 35-year-old divorced mom who didn’t have sex with her new man for three months.  By this point, she was in love with him and they were making serious plans for their future.  When they finally decided to make love, it turned out her partner had serious erectile problems – he’d had them for years.  Look where following the Rule Book got her…(shaking head); would you want to be in her bed?

Tossing The Rule Book

No matter how many happy couples you poll, you’ll hear of ‘happy endings’ from those who had sex right away, as well as from those who waited months.  So in the end, I think it’s important that we not get too caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ of a outdated rule book that guarantees nothing except feelings of upset or guilt when we follow it and it doesn’t work out.  My only real conclusion at this point is that one should exercise a little bit of caution, a little bit of restraint, and work at being a BIG bit happy with herself and the choices she makes.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make some ‘well-made mistakes’ as I try to find my new Mr Right, than make ‘well-made excuses’ for how I’ve lived/not lived my life.

But for those of you who might find yourself in the same situation as for my ‘frisky’ friend Amy, who’s STILL determined to wait till the third date before having sex, I’ll advise you in the same girlfriend way I did with her:  The next time you see him  a)  don’t shave you legs or bikini before going out.   And b)  if you’re ovulating, for God’s sake, cancel!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Dating Can Be As Much Of  A Mirror As A Full-On Relationship

One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

Trying To Understand Men: The Buy-Her-A-Drink Pick-Up Method

I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.

After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex.  I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together.   How much harder?  I am willing to change.

But am I being naïve? Or, is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for?  Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?

Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values.  Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.

Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant.  The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home.  I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.

Once I understood it’s meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst.  (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)

I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy.  (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)

I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”

Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.

And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!

And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter.   Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.

But it hasn’t been a simple matter.  In fact, it’s been living hell.  Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much.  Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibers and carpet mites.

Why so f***ed up?  My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.

Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.

Horizontally we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless.  Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work.  We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and traveled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.

But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.

Here’s the conundrum.  In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt.  For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well.  He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.

However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships?  Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it.  Try harder I say.

So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?

If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.

I haven’t a clue right now.  I’m still talking to carpet mites.

How much do I miss sex with the Ex?  Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done.  I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs.  Got a match?”

Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.”   I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.

There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again.  These words drifted into my head after I made yet another half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”

Just because I lie on the carpeted floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?

Of course it does.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com to tell him your own haunting story. Be sure to check out his site at www.geronimocode.com also.

Submitted by Delaine

We enjoyed each other for hours.  And it was as wonderful as the other four times we’d been together.  Passionate.  Intense. Deep.  Freeing.  But as I lay snuggled against him in the aftermath,  eyes closed, brain off in Post-Orgasmic Wonderland,  I suddenly heard:   “I love you, Delaine.”

My eyes flew open.  Did I imagine that?  Oh God, on no, he actually said that!  Quick, QUICK, say something back.  But WHAT?

I looked up at his face.  He was staring at me adoringly.  I smiled,   ”That’s a beautiful thing to say,” I offered. 

And that’s all I could say off the top of my head.

Have any of you been in a situation like this before? The kind where you consider your relationship primarily “great sex” only to find out that the man thinks your ‘connection’ is love?  Suddenly I have flashbacks from my early twenties – but the roles were reversed: I was the one thinking ’love’ while the guy was thinking ’awesome sex”.

I know I’m not in love with this man, nor will I ever be.  I mean,  I LIKE him and we get along well and all.   But as a divorced mom with some heavy life experience now behind her, I can’t ever imagine saying ‘I love you’ so quickly and easily to any man.  On the other hand, I DO know what great sex feels like – and I think that kind of connection warrants celebration and appreciation, too. 

After I had a chance to collect my thoughts that evening, I DID talk to him further about our relationship.  And unlike those men I dated in my twenties who may have lied and said, “I love you, too” or continued stringing me along for weeks or months, I chose to be honest:  I told him I like him.  But that I didn’t foresee our relationship evolving into more.   “So I WANT you to continue dating other women,” I said gently. “I DON’T want you to wait for me or get your hopes up.  Let’s just enjoy the physical connection while it lasts…or stop seeing each other if it’s too hard for you.”

I feel good about how I responded to him; speaking the truth does that I suppose, even though it’s hard while in the moment.  Still, this event really pulled on my heart strings – oh, but to be able to love so easily and freely!  It’s heartwarming to know that that there are men out there wearing their hearts on their sleeves; who have such a willingness and desire to give of themselves…even if that desire is doused in naivety and romanticism (flinch – hope that doesn’t make me seem too hardened!)

Delaine

She said that within seconds of meeting him, she knew she was attracted to him.   And over the next two hours as they sat laughing and talking on their first date, their chemistry was so intense, it was palpable….

But somehow…somehow, she sensed there was something different about this man.  There was just ‘something’ in his energy…the way he looked at her…the way he held himself.  And when he unexpectedly reached across the restaurant table and cupped her cheek with his large hand, her response was frightfully strong…

Eyes closed, she nestled her cheek into his palm, lost in the exploration of his fingers.  He didn’t hesitate – he knew to immediately get up and slide down in the booth beside her while she was still semi-dazed.   He turned his body to her; she found herself oh so close and oh so buried by his energy and massive, hard chest.  He lifted her chin and and drew her mouth to his…a soft yet powerful kiss.  And though a thought in her head quickly protested, You’re in a restaurant, get control of yourself!, she couldn’t stop.  She was lost in the command of his taste and touch; he was making her his, as if he knew he could meet her every need.

They went back to her place soon after, something she wasn’t properly prepped for – kids’ toys were all over the place.  But the only thing he noticed was her.  ”Show me where you want to go,” he whispered.  She pointed…and he lead.  

The next  few hours they shared were amazing; an exploration…an intimate dance that they alone choreographed impromptu.  It’s not that he knew any special manoeuvres, she explained to me thoughtfully.  Nor was the sex ’wild’ or kinky in any outrageous way.  She said it was all because of his touch…there was just something different about it: strong, sensual, urgent, patient.  Even emotional.  How did he know to touch me like that?  she wondered.  He touched me in ways unlike any other.   And I hardly even know him.

Afterwards, she felt compelled to ask him questions - for over the past few years since divorcing she’d had other lovers.  She’d experienced ‘amazing’ sex with some, too.  But not amazing like THAT.  Are you always like this with new lovers? she asked, wondering what he made of it all.

He said that he’s not one to normally to fall into bed with a woman so quickly.  But when he does bed a woman, whether it’s for the short term or long, he not only gives her his body, he opens his heart to her.   To him, ‘loving’ a woman sexually, means tuning into to her deeper needs in the moment - her eyes, her non-verbal communication, her presence, her pauses…and then matching them, responding to them, answering them, and challenging them.  He said he couldn’t properly do that if he remained in the physical realm alone – making love to her required his heart and soul.  “All I did tonight was mirror and answer the passion, the need, I felt from you, ” he said. 

After hearing my friend’s story, I admit I feel both happy and a bit envious of her  (OK. perhaps a tad aroused, too).  And when I compare it to first times I’ve had with men since divorcing, I can’t help but contrast it.  For even though I’ve had great sex with men first time round, our connection was, for the most part, sexual; it was passionate, but driven by formidable lust and physical connection, not sensuality or something deeply intuitive or soul-stirring.  

Now, I can’t help but wonder: Did my friend possess something special about her that enabled him to read her, know her, give himself to her?  Was she open in ways many women aren’t?  Did her sensuality somehow trigger a natural response in him? 

Or…might it be that this man was of a rare breed?  I’m not sure I think most men even capable of making love to a woman like that, not just during their first night together, but EVER. 

Whatever the case may be, I sure hope it happens to me some day, even if just once.  And I strongly suspect other women might secretly feel the same… 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

I’m the Primary Shareholder of my Heart

Does Threadcount Really Count?

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When I first started dating after divorce, I felt like I’d arrived on another planet.  Not just cause I had no idea how to date again, but because it quickly became apparent that a new ‘phenomena’ had come to town since I’d last visited:  Young Men Seeking Older Women.  And oh yeah -  their holsters were full.

If you’re anything like I was back then, you may frown and tsk tsk at the mere thought of dating or even meeting with a younger man.   God knows I had “rules” – and lots of them.  After all, good, decent women of a ‘certain age’ should only good, stable men of a ‘certain age.’  Right? 

But combine hormonal surges with temptations and opportunities (and ok, maybe a couple of drinks), and low and behold my Old Rule Book got rewritten.  Not burnt – just revised, with a special-edition chapter on self-exploration with the Young Man Kind.

So for those you adjusting to singlehood or sitting on the fence of ‘Could I?  Should I?,’ here are a few pointers of wisdom and encouragement from a responsible mom AND Sexual being who belly laughed her way onto the ‘dark side’ a few times…

1)  Don’t act surprised when he shows interest in you!  Whether he’s staring at you in a bar, buying you drinks or emailing you on dating sites, his interest in you, believe it or not, is not unusual or freaky in today’s day in age.  So don’t act all aghast.  He’s serious and he’s playing a card; play it cool.

2)  Don’t think of you as being the only lucky one – HE IS TOO!  Yes, on a superficial level, it might be an ego rub for the older woman, but c’mon, how many younger men only DREAM of being with an older woman?  He not only reeps the rewards of your divine company and intelligent conversation, he gains access to learning new skills in the love-making department.  What young man DOESN’T want that?  Besides, do you remember how immature and fickle you were as a young woman?  Maybe there’s something to him wanting to spend time with an older woman!

3) Own your decision and let your inner vixen shine, stretch marks, c-section scars, cellulite and all.  He’s about to be devoured by an older woman – do you REALLY think he’s caring how your triceps compare to an 18 year old’s?

4)  If you fall into bed right away, don’t be too quick to assume it was a one-nighter only.  If you both really enjoyed it, why not make it ongoing, if not a friends with benefits scenario.  Think of it this way, two weeks after your rendezvous when you’re all worked up again, what sounds more appealing – Pink Bugsy Boy in the drawer or lovely eager flesh and blood young man?

5) Don’t be so quick to judge – you never know how a relationship can evolve or when Cupid might show up.  Sure, lots of younger men may be too immature for serious relationship consideration, but you know what?  Some ARE mature – more so than men YOUR age.  Just keep the ‘Options’ door open, even if just a crack.

6)  Though the age difference might be staggering to you, when you get him back to your place, DON’T offer to make him a snack and treat him like he’s five.:)  He’s not looking at you in a ‘motherly ‘ way, so for gosh sake, don’t act like one!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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I tested him intermittently on our previous dates: teased him, challenged him, played with his mind. What’re you made of honey? I wondered. At 39, have you really begun to understand and appreciate the complexities of a woman’s mind and body? Can you handle me, enthrall me, and devour every ounce of my sexual being?

He looked me, many times, directly in the eyes – calm, composed, giving me the statements and answers I wanted, hoped for, yearned for… Yes, I finally decided, eyes down, during dessert. Next time we meet, I will take him as my lover.

Tonight, as he walked through my front door, he could see me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, wearing black leather boots, a dynamite gartered teddy, and the electric air of a Woman Entitled. I wasn’t going to pretend or apologize.

“Wow,” he said under his breath, tongue flicking, eyes darting. “You look incredible.”

“Thanks.” I leaned back seductively and waited – tick-tock, tick-tock. Finally I clenched his hand and pulled it behind my back.

Down the hall we stumbled and kissed, my hands greedily grabbing, touching, demanding. Why is his hand so limp on my back? I thought. C’mon hun, I willed him through my fingers. Give me what I want.

Fumbling, awkwardness – Oops sorry, he said, then his clothes were off. He lunged on top of me….

After what felt like fifteen seconds, he pancaked me with his full weight, breathing hard. My eyes flew open: What the…?

“That was so hot,” he panted in my ear. “God! You were unbelievable!”

Huh?

He got to his feet and began dressing. “Let’s do this again tomorrow OK? And the next day and the next day and the day after that!” He laughed.

Do what? I glanced from side to side. I’m hardly even warmed-up!

I stood up from the bed and he seized me into a bear hug. “Man!” he clucked over my shoulder. “Soooo hot.” I patted his back, wide-eyed; there…there? I couldn’t even look at him as he made his way out.

Perhaps you, like me, are already coming up with excuses as to his awful performance – maybe he was nervous, inexperienced, intimidated, or tired. But I wonder: if the tables were turned, do you think he’dbe making excuses for me?

For the sake of his next lover, perhaps even womankind, I should have tactfully or not-so-tactfully said something; most bad lovers remain bad lovers because women are too polite to say or ‘teach’ otherwise, right? But at the time, I was too shocked and annoyed to even speak – that was worse than an adolescent romp in the back seat of the car.

How could a man of his age not know this? I fumed. Doesn’t a man, at some point before thirty-five, become experienced enough, aware enough, to know that his ultimate sexual pleasure is derived through satisfying the woman?

No – instead of being masterfully consumed by an alpha lover, I found myself standing in my bedroom, one hand on my hip, the other hand gesturing in exasperation at a candlelit wall. It’s been three months since I’ve had sex, I thought as I unzipped by boots. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m still counting.

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Now my friend has nothing against the concept of sex without love – especially since her heart isn’t up for grabs at this point post-divorce.  She knows she has NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology. 

Nonetheless, she rejected this young man.  She came close…but she couldn’t quite thrust herself across the line.  In the aftermath, she wondered, “What stopped me?  What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?” 

Here’s what she came up with – with the help of her girlfriends, of course.  And please add any thoughts or rules of your own to the comments below.

The first thing that can influence a woman’s decision is time.  How much of it, or little of it, has she and he spent together during the evening?  Even if she only wants him for one night, she  needs time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it. 

In Sheila’s case, he didn’t approach her till 15 minutes before closing.  And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call -  the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’  She likes her one-night stands to have a dash of magic: she wants fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three.  NOT just any “body.”

Secondly, a woman looks for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover.  Oh, we all know you can’t tell a book by its cover, but us women are usually pretty attune to languaging and energetic chemistry.  Sheila looks for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him.  Her will-be-cop didn’t say the right things, even though she offered him the bait.  And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor.  She couldn’t take the risk.

One of my girlfriends said that if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of oral sex, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover.   My friend Sheila has zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex.  And in a one-nighter scenario, she wants a smorgasbord – many helpings of whatever she wants – not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy her. 

Thirdly, a woman will be assessing the  ‘morning after.’  How will she get home?  Is it worth her time and energy?  And what kinds of concessions is he making?  In lSheila’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain.  Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.”  This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing.  It gets back to Sheila needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’  – she wants to feel like he just HAS to have her, whatever the cost, because their chemistry is so intense; they both want the night to go on and on…

Anything to add?  Or is this something you’ve never even thought about? 

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