I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.

After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex.  I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together.   How much harder?  I am willing to change.

But am I being naïve? Or, is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for?  Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?

Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values.  Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.

Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant.  The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home.  I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.

Once I understood it’s meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst.  (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)

I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy.  (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)

I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”

Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.

And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!

And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter.   Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.

But it hasn’t been a simple matter.  In fact, it’s been living hell.  Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much.  Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibers and carpet mites.

Why so f***ed up?  My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.

Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.

Horizontally we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless.  Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work.  We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and traveled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.

But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.

Here’s the conundrum.  In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt.  For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well.  He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.

However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships?  Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it.  Try harder I say.

So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?

If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.

I haven’t a clue right now.  I’m still talking to carpet mites.

How much do I miss sex with the Ex?  Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done.  I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs.  Got a match?”

Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.”   I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.

There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again.  These words drifted into my head after I made yet another half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”

Just because I lie on the carpeted floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?

Of course it does.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com to tell him your own haunting story. Be sure to check out his site at www.geronimocode.com also.

More Articles:

That Blissful Moment of Physical Merging

Why I Like to Date Divorced Men

Submitted by Me & My Evil Twin

We went at it for hours.  And it was as awesome as the other six times we’d had sex.  Passionate.  Intense. Deep. Animalistic.  But as I lay beside him in the aftermath -  eyes closed, brain off in Post-Orgasmic Wonderland -  I suddenly heard:   “I love you, Lynn.”

My eyes flew open.  Did I imagine that?  Oh God, on no, he actually said that!  Quick, what should I say back?  Cause it sure as heck isn’t “I love you, too.”

I looked up at his face - he was staring at me adoringly.  I smiled.  “ That’s a beautiful thing to say,” I said. And that’s all I could say off the top of my head.

Have any of you been in a situation like this before? The kind where you consider your relationship primarily “great sex” only to find out that the man thinks your ‘connection’ is love? Suddenly I have flashbacks from my early twenties – but the roles were reversed: I was the one thinking ’love’ while the guy was thinking ’awesome sex!”

I know I’m not in love with this man.  In my books, we hardly even know each other.  How can someone be thinking ‘love’ when he’s spent less than a full 24-hours total with me?  I mean I LIKE him.  We get along well, and we have fantastic sex.   But as a divorced mom with some heavy life experience behind her and in front of her, I can’t imagine saying ‘I love you’ so quickly and easily to ANY man.  I’m not even sure what that word means anymore.  But I DO know what great sex feels like – and I’m afraid that’s enough for me right now (ouch – twinge of guilt).

After I had a chance to collect my thoughts properly that evening, I DID talk to him further about our relationship.  And unlike those men I dated in my twenties who may have said, “I love you,too” in the blissful moment, or cruelly continued stringing me along for weeks or months, I chose to be honest.  I told him I like him.  But that we don’t really know each other very well.  And given my recent divorce, I need to focus on getting my own life in order first and foremost.  “And as I do this, I WANT you to continue dating other women,” I said gently. “I DON’T want you to wait for me or get your hopes up.  Let’s just enjoy the physical connection while it lasts.”

I feel good about how I responded to him; speaking the truth does that I guess, even if it hurts someone a bit.  Still, I’m baffled that I even found myself in this situation.  And in some ways it even pulls on my heart strings….oh but to be able to love easily and abundantly.  I guess young women aren’t the only ones who can be naive.

Me & My Evil Twin

Other Articles:

Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still On Here?

Depressed?

The Man of My Dreams Will Lie In Bed With Me & Read A Good Book

She said that within seconds of meeting him, she knew she was attracted to him.   And over the next two hours as they sat laughing and talking on their first date, their chemistry was so intense, it was palpable….

But somehow…somehow, she sensed there was something different about this man.  There was just ’something’ in his energy…the way he looked at her…the way he held himself.  And when he unexpectedly reached across the restaurant table and cupped her cheek with his large hand, her response was frightfully strong…

Eyes closed, she nestled her cheek into his palm, lost in the exploration of his fingers.  He didn’t hesitate – he knew to immediately get up and slide down in the booth beside her while she was still semi-dazed.   He turned his body to her; she found herself oh so close and oh so buried by his energy and massive, hard chest.  He lifted her chin and and drew her mouth to his…a soft yet powerful kiss.  And though a thought in her head quickly protested, You’re in a restaurant, get control of yourself!, she couldn’t stop.  She was lost in the command of his taste and touch; he was making her his, as if he knew he could meet her every need.

They went back to her place soon after, something she wasn’t properly prepped for – kids’ toys were all over the place.  But the only thing he noticed was her.  ”Show me where you want to go,” he whispered.  She pointed…and he lead.  

The next  few hours they shared were amazing; an exploration…an intimate dance that they alone choreographed impromptu.  It’s not that he knew any special manoeuvres, she explained to me thoughtfully.  Nor was the sex ’wild’ or kinky in any outrageous way.  She said it was all because of his touch…there was just something different about it: strong, sensual, urgent, patient.  Even emotional.  How did he know to touch me like that?  she wondered.  He touched me in ways unlike any other.   And I hardly even know him.

Afterwards, she felt compelled to ask him questions - for over the past few years since divorcing she’d had other lovers.  She’d experienced ‘amazing’ sex with some, too.  But not amazing like THAT.  Are you always like this with new lovers? she asked, wondering what he made of it all.

He said that he’s not one to normally to fall into bed with a woman so quickly.  But when he does bed a woman, whether it’s for the short term or long, he not only gives her his body, he opens his heart to her.   To him, ‘loving’ a woman sexually, means tuning into to her deeper needs in the moment - her eyes, her non-verbal communication, her presence, her pauses…and then matching them, responding to them, answering them, and challenging them.  He said he couldn’t properly do that if he remained in the physical realm alone – making love to her required his heart and soul.  “All I did tonight was mirror and answer the passion, the need, I felt from you, ” he said. 

After hearing my friend’s story, I admit I feel both happy and a bit envious of her  (OK. perhaps a tad aroused, too).  And when I compare it to first times I’ve had with men since divorcing, I can’t help but contrast it.  For even though I’ve had great sex with men first time round, our connection was, for the most part, sexual; it was passionate, but driven by formidable lust and physical connection, not sensuality or something deeply intuitive or soul-stirring.  

Now, I can’t help but wonder: Did my friend possess something special about her that enabled him to read her, know her, give himself to her?  Was she open in ways many women aren’t?  Did her sensuality somehow trigger a natural response in him? 

Or…might it be that this man was of a rare breed?  I’m not sure I think most men even capable of making love to a woman like that, not just during their first night together, but EVER. 

Whatever the case may be, I sure hope it happens to me some day, even if just once.  And I strongly suspect other women might secretly feel the same… 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Flashing Warning: Separated Men

I’m the Primary Shareholder of my Heart

Does Threadcount Really Count?

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

When I first started dating after divorce, I felt like I’d arrived on another planet.  Not just cause I had no idea how to date again, but because it quickly became apparent that a new ‘phenomena’ had come to town since I’d last visited:  Young Men Seeking Older Women.  And oh yeah -  their holsters were full.

If you’re anything like I was back then, you may frown and tsk tsk at the mere thought of dating or even meeting with a younger man.   God knows I had “rules” – and lots of them.  After all, good, decent women of a ‘certain age’ should only good, stable men of a ‘certain age.’  Right? 

But combine hormonal surges with temptations and opportunities (and ok, maybe a couple of drinks), and low and behold my Old Rule Book got rewritten.  Not burnt – just revised, with a special-edition chapter on self-exploration with the Young Man Kind.

So for those you adjusting to singlehood or sitting on the fence of ‘Could I?  Should I?,’ here are a few pointers of wisdom and encouragement from a responsible mom AND Sexual being who belly laughed her way onto the ‘dark side’ a few times…

1)  Don’t act surprised when he shows interest in you!  Whether he’s staring at you in a bar, buying you drinks or emailing you on dating sites, his interest in you, believe it or not, is not unusual or freaky in today’s day in age.  So don’t act all aghast.  He’s serious and he’s playing a card; play it cool.

2)  Don’t think of you as being the only lucky one – HE IS TOO!  Yes, on a superficial level, it might be an ego rub for the older woman, but c’mon, how many younger men only DREAM of being with an older woman?  He not only reeps the rewards of your divine company and intelligent conversation, he gains access to learning new skills in the love-making department.  What young man DOESN’T want that?  Besides, do you remember how immature and fickle you were as a young woman?  Maybe there’s something to him wanting to spend time with an older woman!

3) Own your decision and let your inner vixen shine, stretch marks, c-section scars, cellulite and all.  He’s about to be devoured by an older woman – do you REALLY think he’s caring how your triceps compare to an 18 year old’s?

4)  If you fall into bed right away, don’t be too quick to assume it was a one-nighter only.  If you both really enjoyed it, why not make it ongoing, if not a friends with benefits scenario.  Think of it this way, two weeks after your rendezvous when you’re all worked up again, what sounds more appealing – Pink Bugsy Boy in the drawer or lovely eager flesh and blood young man?

5) Don’t be so quick to judge – you never know how a relationship can evolve or when Cupid might show up.  Sure, lots of younger men may be too immature for serious relationship consideration, but you know what?  Some ARE mature – more so than men YOUR age.  Just keep the ‘Options’ door open, even if just a crack.

6)  Though the age difference might be staggering to you, when you get him back to your place, DON’T offer to make him a snack and treat him like he’s five.:)  He’s not looking at you in a ‘motherly ‘ way, so for gosh sake, don’t act like one!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

The Dating Gloom & Doom Bandwagon

Narcissitic Relationship: Use It Or Lose It

Forgiving Yourself

 Prior to that night, I’d met him three times for dinner. And even though mentally and physically he charged all my cylinders, I kept my foot on the brakes; I wasn’t just looking for ‘any’ lover, I wanted an ‘alpha’ lover – a man who was strong, passionate, and very much in control, both inwardly and outwardly. At 37 years old, I knew what I liked, and I wanted to step into my sexuality in deeper, wilder ways.

I tested him intermittently on our previous dates: teased him, challenged him, played with his mind. What’re you made of honey? I wondered. At 39, have you really begun to understand and appreciate the complexities of a woman’s mind and body? Can you handle me, enthrall me, and devour every ounce of my sexual being?

He looked me, many times, directly in the eyes – calm, composed, giving me the statements and answers I wanted, hoped for, yearned for… Yes, I finally decided, eyes down, during dessert. Next time we meet, I will take him as my lover.

Tonight, as he walked through my front door, he could see me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, wearing black leather boots, a dynamite gartered teddy, and the electric air of a Woman Entitled. I wasn’t going to pretend or apologize.

“Wow,” he said under his breath, tongue flicking, eyes darting. “You look incredible.”

“Thanks.” I leaned back seductively and waited – tick-tock, tick-tock. Finally I clenched his hand and pulled it behind my back.

Down the hall we stumbled and kissed, my hands greedily grabbing, touching, demanding. Why is his hand so limp on my back? I thought. C’mon hun, I willed him through my fingers. Give me what I want.

Fumbling, awkwardness – Oops sorry, he said, then his clothes were off. He lunged on top of me….

After what felt like fifteen seconds, he pancaked me with his full weight, breathing hard. My eyes flew open: What the…?

“That was so hot,” he panted in my ear. “God! You were unbelievable!”

Huh?

He got to his feet and began dressing. “Let’s do this again tomorrow OK? And the next day and the next day and the day after that!” He laughed.

Do what? I glanced from side to side. I’m hardly even warmed-up!

I stood up from the bed and he seized me into a bear hug. “Man!” he clucked over my shoulder. “Soooo hot.” I patted his back, wide-eyed; there…there? I couldn’t even look at him as he made his way out.

Perhaps you, like me, are already coming up with excuses as to his awful performance – maybe he was nervous, inexperienced, intimidated, or tired. But I wonder: if the tables were turned, do you think he’dbe making excuses for me?

For the sake of his next lover, perhaps even womankind, I should have tactfully or not-so-tactfully said something; most bad lovers remain bad lovers because women are too polite to say or ‘teach’ otherwise, right? But at the time, I was too shocked and annoyed to even speak – that was worse than an adolescent romp in the back seat of the car.

How could a man of his age not know this? I fumed. Doesn’t a man, at some point before thirty-five, become experienced enough, aware enough, to know that his ultimate sexual pleasure is derived through satisfying the woman?

No – instead of being masterfully consumed by an alpha lover, I found myself standing in my bedroom, one hand on my hip, the other hand gesturing in exasperation at a candlelit wall. It’s been three months since I’ve had sex, I thought as I unzipped by boots. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m still counting.

Other Articles:

Sometimes It Sucks Being A Divorced Mom With No Family Support in Town

How Do You Handle Adversity?

Midlife Divorce: Housing Options For Older Women

Recently my friend Sheila had the opportunity to go home with a lovely young man from a bar.  We’d all been out for a rare night of drinking and dancing and as the evening wore on, her engine got all revved up:  “Just look at all those beautiful shoulders!” she exclaimed.  ”HELL-O!”  So how pleased was she when a 30-year-old, soon-to-be cop bought her a drink and zoomed in for the kill.

Now my friend has nothing against the concept of sex without love – especially since her heart isn’t up for grabs at this point post-divorce.  She knows she has NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology. 

Nonetheless, she rejected this young man.  She came close…but she couldn’t quite thrust herself across the line.  In the aftermath, she wondered, “What stopped me?  What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?” 

Here’s what she came up with – with the help of her girlfriends, of course.  And please add any thoughts or rules of your own to the comments below.

The first thing that can influence a woman’s decision is time.  How much of it, or little of it, has she and he spent together during the evening?  Even if she only wants him for one night, she  needs time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it. 

In Sheila’s case, he didn’t approach her till 15 minutes before closing.  And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call -  the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’  She likes her one-night stands to have a dash of magic: she wants fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three.  NOT just any “body.”

Secondly, a woman looks for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover.  Oh, we all know you can’t tell a book by its cover, but us women are usually pretty attune to languaging and energetic chemistry.  Sheila looks for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him.  Her will-be-cop didn’t say the right things, even though she offered him the bait.  And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor.  She couldn’t take the risk.

One of my girlfriends said that if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of oral sex, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover.   My friend Sheila has zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex.  And in a one-nighter scenario, she wants a smorgasbord – many helpings of whatever she wants – not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy her. 

Thirdly, a woman will be assessing the  ‘morning after.’  How will she get home?  Is it worth her time and energy?  And what kinds of concessions is he making?  In lSheila’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain.  Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.”  This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing.  It gets back to Sheila needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’  – she wants to feel like he just HAS to have her, whatever the cost, because their chemistry is so intense; they both want the night to go on and on…

Anything to add?  Or is this something you’ve never even thought about? 

Other Articles:

Dating & Sex: I’m The Primary Shareholder of My Heart

Greed Is Not Good!

– My best friend Hali then put her wine glass down on the restaurant table and continued: “So when are you going to stop proving it and move BEYOND it?”

I looked at her confused. “Huh?”

“You’ve done it Delaine – you’ve shown everyone that you can live just fine without a man.  You’ve taken lovers on your terms, you’ve made hard choices, well-made mistakes and you’re all the stronger for them. You’ve even rebounded from your job of eight years as a stay-at-home mom to start a great new career as an author. And all of that is fantastic, and I applaud you louder than anyone else for how far you’ve come. BUT – “

She leaned in and said firmly, “Everyone needs to love and be loved; it’s part of being human. We all want to share our lives, have someone hold us, dream with us. We all need to be touched, to make love, to feel that connection with someone. And as much as you try and deny it, you, my friend, are NO different.”

Her comments threw me.  Why should I stop now? I thought almost defensively.  I still didn’t feel like I’d travelled far ‘enough’, to seriously start thinking about loving another man.

I said: “My life is still precarious Hali. My writing career isn’t established enough and I never want to have to rely financially on a man again. I know that’s hard for you to understand…but you HAD a great career before you had kids. I didn’t. I feel so vulnerable without one.   This is about proving something to ME.”

I continued: “And as for needing someone to hold me and cuddle with me -  I get that from my kids. I start my days with three little bodies climbing and snuggling into bed with me. And that’s enough. I don’t have to worry if some man beside me is pissed cause now he can’t have sex with me, I’m just free to savor those precious moments.   They’re getting older and won’t be jumping in with me forever you know.”

Hali half-smiled and nodded her head – but she wasn’t fully buying it. “I just want you to check in with yourself periodically Delaine to make sure that this is TRULY the course you want to stay on. Cause life ALWAYS feels precarious and unknown in some ways. And at the core, fear of loving might be what’s really holding you back and you don’t even know it.

“I also think being alone can become a habit,” she said. “A person can get used to having the bed to herself, filling up the entire closet with her clothes, and cooking meals for one. Humans are VERY habitual. And I worry that the longer you stay single, the harder being in a new relationship will become for you.”

Over the next couple of days, Hali’s comments kept returning to me. I knew they’d been said love and good intentions. Overall, however, I felt she was ‘off’ – I still hadn’t accomplished or moved ahead ‘enough’ to make loving a man a priority. A great deal of work still lay ahead of me and now was not the time to go all soft.

Nonetheless, her words have still not let me be - they follow me, on my back; like a warrior who doesn’t realize it, but there’s a crack in her armour.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

By the end of my marriage, I’d given up trying to have a G-spot orgasm; I thought maybe anatomically I couldn’t have one. But one night, post-divorce, that G-bomb came out of nowhere: KA-POWEE! It was a back-arching, soul-screaming Hallelujah!

But then a new thought zoomed in for landing: “Maybe the why didn’t matter. It happened when it happened just because I was ready. Maybe I was simply meant to experience it for the ecstatic pleasure it gave me – period.”

All I knew for sure was that my body’s new talent thrilled me. If I’d remained married, where, by the end, my sexuality felt confined behind cold bars, I’d never have experienced anything close to this. Moreover, the timing of it suggested that there was more to me, more to my body, more to life than I’d ever imagined. What else what might life post-divorce unleash in me?

I’m not suggesting that orgasms are the be-all, end-all to all women. Nor am I saying they should be. But having recently read an online medical report that said 12% of women never reach any type of climax at all and 70% DON’T G-spot orgasm, I feel honored to be on the flip side of those stats. If I could bottle it up and sprinkle it all over womankind, I would. Cause my G-spot orgasms rank up there with my body’s miraculous ability to create life: they feel empowering. They are one more gem, one more valuable, incredible aspect of me that I now carry into the next chapter (and next bed) of my life post-divorce.

Other Articles:

Did he just stare at the waitress’ butt?

Simple-Minded Piggish Men Aren’t Born That Way?