When I think about other women in a marriage that can be defined as “sexless” that is what I think about. Are these women in marriage similar to mine? Are they holding onto hope that things will change, that one day they will be desired sexually? Will they find out, like I did that a man who can’t make an intimate connection can’t make a connection of any kind? Are they not seeing the reality of the situation?

How do you define a sexless marriage? Some experts call marriages that average 10 or less “intimate couplings” a year “sexless.”  I recently read that an estimated 18% of marriages become passionless and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm in some.  Are those marriages amongst those who have been married for decades though?

How about us who suffer sexual rejection from the beginning. The passion hasn’t faded, there isn’t a loss of interest after years of marriage. That, when I think about it seems easy to live with when compared to what my marriage was like.

While dating we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or he behaved in ways that lead me to believe he was interested. His interest came to an end the night we married. We didn’t have sex that night and averaged sex every 6 to 8 weeks from then on.  Being the problem solver that I am I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.

And like most women, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex with me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn’t care for sex in general. It was ME, if only I were more sexual, slimmer, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually he would come around.

I read a lot of advice geared toward women in sexless marriages. I took most of the advice and in hindsight realize more often than not it was nothing more than sleazy and useless tips on how to be sexier and arouse your man. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which now seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of most women who have probably already done all they can to arouse their husband and becoming an amateur porn star doesn’t really improve things … it only serves to make a woman feel worse about herself!

So, although I can’t tell a woman who has found herself in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest she not do as I did. The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn’t want to “make love.”

What did I learn?

There is no easy solution.

It wasn’t about ME. And, it isn’t about YOU. The focus should have been on fixing HIM and not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want sex. If you take anything away from this article, I hope it is the knowledge that you are desirable, not in need of change, are not doing anything wrong and most importantly can’t fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.

Are you single? Sexually active? Do you assume your partner or partners are healthy?

Bad call.

Disease isn’t personal. It isn’t judgmental. It doesn’t know if you attend church, if you brush your teeth and floss. If you’ve only had two sexual partners in a lifetime, or 302.

What about your teenagers? Do they use condoms? Are you making assumptions, or looking the other way?

A recent article reports that sexually active teenagers (14-17) are doing far better at using condoms than adults.

Is this a case of do as I say, not do as I do? Is it time for us to look to our adolescents as models of healthy behavior?

I have to admit, I find the statistics in this article both reassuring (relative to teens) and disheartening (for adults). As a woman over 40 (and on my own for 9 years), I’m hardly a wild child, but nor have I relocated to the neighborhood nunnery. In my own experience, I’ve been surprised by the number of times that a condom wasn’t part of the courtship, and a firm request was required. That, or lab work – in writing.

Sexually active over 40, and beyond

What concerns me is the drop-off in condom use over 40, by both men and women, even among casual sex partners. However, the data reflect that condom usage is considerably higher  in black and Hispanic men.

Is there an assumption that a white man of a certain age is healthy? What other assumptions are we making about those we bed in middle-age and beyond?

In the 40-49 age group, condom use by women with casual partners is only 20%. In contrast, for the same age group among men, condom use with casual partners is roughly 35%. Now compare this to teens 14-17, male and female, with over 80% indicating condom use.

A woman’s view

Why are we disregarding the lessons of sexual health that we’re teaching our children? What role might self-image play in all this? What about our physicians?

Once I hit my late 40s, I was no longer asked if I was sexually active. Not by male doctors, nor female doctors. It was assumed that I was not, particularly as a divorced mother, working and raising kids. No discussion of birth control. No routine blood work for STDs. I had to request it – and do – as a responsible adult.

• Do these statistics concern you?
• Given the number of divorced adults over 40, shouldn’t condom use and routine testing be the norm?
• As women, are we embarrassed to buy condoms? To insist on their usage?
• How do you feel about providing them for your teens – just in case?

© D A Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

Submitted by Delaine

Do you ever wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for years has made you blind to warning signs as you date again?  Are you so accustomed to  ‘dealing with’ relationship issues and compromising who you are/what you need, that you continue dating someone who’s already bringing you down?

Take Chuck for example, a man who recently wrote me asking for counsel around a woman he’s been dating for a month now.  Although he really likes this woman, to his chagrin, she doesn’t like receiving oral sex.  When he tried to talk to her about it, she closed the conversation and laughed: “Hey, consider yourself lucky –  I’ll never make you do it so you’re off the hook.”

Then, to make matters worse, he’s noticed that they can be in the same room for hours without her wanting any kind of physical contact – not even as much as a hug.  What do you think of her behavior, Delaine? he asked.  “What can I do to make things better?”

I first suggested that perhaps her disinterest in oral sex stemmed from a really bad past experience…or maybe she’d even been sexualy abused.  And as for her non-affection, perhaps that would change over time as they got to know each other better.  It sounded to me like they needed to have a good talk.

But he quickly rejected my suggestions.  Instead he was focused on what he what he could do to ‘fix her’ and change her.  And that’s when I heard alarm bells.  “Chuck,” I wrote, “Since this is the first woman you’ve dated since separating, do you really think your time/energy is best spent trying to ‘fix’ someone? And by the way, you can’t fix or change anyone; she has to want to do it herself.”

Still, he ignored me – he was convinced that if he DID or SAID something specific, these issues, HER issues, would go away.

I probed deeper,asking about the dynamic between he and his wife during their marriage.  No surprise, he said he spent his marriage trying to please her, yet always felt he came up short;  that despite his ongoing efforts, nothing he said or did was good enough to meet his wife’s needs or expectations.  He was accustomed to feeling inadequate and unworthy.

Thus I use Chuck’s case to caution those who are new to separation and dating again: even though you swear you’d never date someone like your ex again, you can unconsciously end up in the same kind of dynamic yet again, even if on the outside, your new relationship looks very different. That’s why it’s imperative you make the time to consciously keep doing your ’inner work.’   Your marriage trained you to be and act a certain way, probably for a significant part of your life – and you’ve probably grown accustomed, possibly even addicted, to feeling crappy about yourself in many ways while in a relationship.

So remember to put getting to know YOURSELF at the top of your list as you get back out there and date.  Be curious about YOU, pay close attention to what things do and don’t make you truly happy, and be aware of any triggers or sore spots when you’re in someone’s company.  And if EVER you start contemplating what YOU can do or say to change someone else, give yourself a shake.  You did NOT  go through all the pain of divorce just to end up in another unhappy realtionship, whether it’s for three weeks or three years.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Okay, I admit it. I use my assets to full advantage. What woman doesn’t?

Granted, I’m still searching for a lower gravity planet, but in the meantime, all I need is a smart man who appreciates dark features, hot shoes, and… well, a handful. Better make that two!

But my secret weapon in the romance department?

I blush

And you know what? It’s not a trick. It’s real. And apparently – even as a woman “of a certain age” as the French would say – that little blush is irresistible to a man.

Oh, not to every man of course. It has to be a gentleman who already enjoys my company. But there’s no question that certain men can make me blush, and do. It might be the result of a compliment, or more likely, a smoldering look that sweeps over me with blatant and fierce sexuality. I must say – I adore it, but I blush.

Another occasion for blushing? There’s that “first time” – the slow undressing – as I unbutton his shirt, or he slowly eases my sweater over my head, revealing fine satiny lingerie. (Yes, I plan ahead.)

I’ve tried to figure out why I still blush, and I’m not sure. After all, I’m confident, and I’m not a kid any longer.

I’ve also tried to understand why it’s so appealing to a man, and on that score, I think I get it. I am a strong woman, with a great deal of life experience. But I am a feminine woman, and I love men who are comfortable with their manliness.

I love to play, to flirt, to soften in the company of a man who knows himself. And I adore our differences, the way we fit and don’t, the way we approach the world from divergent perspectives. The way I melt when touched by the right hands, when whispered to by the right voice, when looked at – and savored – by the right glance that surveys, savors, and surveys again.

And I blush

I feel seen and vulnerable, open and excited. I am responsive, and the blush shows that I am susceptible to this gentleman’s advances. What could be more alluring to a man than a woman who is receptive and responsive – to words, a look, a touch, a scent?

It’s holiday time. I may sit in front of the fire and feel the flush of heat, inhaling the fragrance of oranges and cloves that decorate my mantel. But it isn’t quite the same as the blush that spreads across my cheeks when I’m in the company of a special man, and feel that very special heat. So I will close my eyes and make a Christmas wish. I know what I’d like in my stocking this year.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

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She said that within seconds of meeting him, she knew she was attracted to him.   And over the next two hours as they sat laughing and talking on their first date, their chemistry was so intense, it was palpable….

But somehow…somehow, she sensed there was something different about this man.  There was just ‘something’ in his energy…the way he looked at her…the way he held himself.  And when he unexpectedly reached across the restaurant table and cupped her cheek with his large hand, her response was frightfully strong…

Eyes closed, she nestled her cheek into his palm, lost in the exploration of his fingers.  He didn’t hesitate – he knew to immediately get up and slide down in the booth beside her while she was still semi-dazed.   He turned his body to her; she found herself oh so close and oh so buried by his energy and massive, hard chest.  He lifted her chin and and drew her mouth to his…a soft yet powerful kiss.  And though a thought in her head quickly protested, You’re in a restaurant, get control of yourself!, she couldn’t stop.  She was lost in the command of his taste and touch; he was making her his, as if he knew he could meet her every need.

They went back to her place soon after, something she wasn’t properly prepped for – kids’ toys were all over the place.  But the only thing he noticed was her.  ”Show me where you want to go,” he whispered.  She pointed…and he lead.  

The next  few hours they shared were amazing; an exploration…an intimate dance that they alone choreographed impromptu.  It’s not that he knew any special manoeuvres, she explained to me thoughtfully.  Nor was the sex ’wild’ or kinky in any outrageous way.  She said it was all because of his touch…there was just something different about it: strong, sensual, urgent, patient.  Even emotional.  How did he know to touch me like that?  she wondered.  He touched me in ways unlike any other.   And I hardly even know him.

Afterwards, she felt compelled to ask him questions - for over the past few years since divorcing she’d had other lovers.  She’d experienced ‘amazing’ sex with some, too.  But not amazing like THAT.  Are you always like this with new lovers? she asked, wondering what he made of it all.

He said that he’s not one to normally to fall into bed with a woman so quickly.  But when he does bed a woman, whether it’s for the short term or long, he not only gives her his body, he opens his heart to her.   To him, ‘loving’ a woman sexually, means tuning into to her deeper needs in the moment - her eyes, her non-verbal communication, her presence, her pauses…and then matching them, responding to them, answering them, and challenging them.  He said he couldn’t properly do that if he remained in the physical realm alone – making love to her required his heart and soul.  “All I did tonight was mirror and answer the passion, the need, I felt from you, ” he said. 

After hearing my friend’s story, I admit I feel both happy and a bit envious of her  (OK. perhaps a tad aroused, too).  And when I compare it to first times I’ve had with men since divorcing, I can’t help but contrast it.  For even though I’ve had great sex with men first time round, our connection was, for the most part, sexual; it was passionate, but driven by formidable lust and physical connection, not sensuality or something deeply intuitive or soul-stirring.  

Now, I can’t help but wonder: Did my friend possess something special about her that enabled him to read her, know her, give himself to her?  Was she open in ways many women aren’t?  Did her sensuality somehow trigger a natural response in him? 

Or…might it be that this man was of a rare breed?  I’m not sure I think most men even capable of making love to a woman like that, not just during their first night together, but EVER. 

Whatever the case may be, I sure hope it happens to me some day, even if just once.  And I strongly suspect other women might secretly feel the same… 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for a pre-holiday dinner.   These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards.  And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should never be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself.  Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her.  Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul.

Was my friend’s experience exclusive to her?  Not at all – all of us could relate on some level.  We agreed - this was something we’d all be discussing with our own daughters one day.

My girlfriends and I also discussed how some women feel obliged to ”perform’ for their husbands in order to keep them. After all, if men aren’t getting it at home, won’t they be enticed to find it elsewhere?  And what about ‘wifely duty’?  Sure, we might scoff at that phrase, especially in today’s day and age.  But we’ve grown up in society that fed us beliefs about what a woman should do to make her man happy.  Consequently, those seemingly outdated beliefs ARE there, twisting around in the back of some women’s minds, urging them to hand over their bodies because of feelings of guilt, obligation, and fear.

2. How the more sex you have, the more you want it. Even though I’d heard this said before, I’d never really given it serious thought; I thought it sounded…too simple?  But after listening to my  friends Carla and Sue rant about it,  I’m thinking I need to investigate!

Maybe it’s because Carla is in her early forties or maybe it’s cause she’s done having kids.  But now that she’s divorced and two years into a new relationship, she’s having more sex than ever before in her life.  Averaging about eight times a week, she said the more she has it, the more her body wants it – she craves, it’s a call that HAS to be answered.  And when I look at the fresh youthful glow on her face (with no help from botox or laser treatments), I firmly believe it stems from her very active sex life.

Carla referred to an episode on Oprah to further exemplify what she was experiencing.  She said a guest – a heavy set woman in her fifties - told her husband that for his birthday she was gifting him with sex every day for the next 365 days.  The outcome – they were BOTH over the moon, and planned to continue reaping the rewards of their daily shared ‘activity’. 

During my Christmas tete-a-tete with my girlfriends, our sex conversations ventured into many other areas as well.  Some made us serious, some made us laugh, while others had us earnestly leaning in to hear more (grin).

But what further made me smile was the realization that the learning never stops – whether it’s around what we DON’T want (like ’performing’ to win or keep a man)  or what we DO want (lots of sex and the benefits thereof!).  But a great discussion with girlfriends is a fun way to help fill in some of the gaps – and I can’t wait to hear what we’ll be talking about another ten Christmases from now!

Delaine -  www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Haven’t you heard?  We’re supposed to be as pretty and symmetrical as a text-book drawing.  Are you a little one-sided?  Stretched out?  Perhaps a little dangly?  Well welcome the labioplasto – a delightful flesh-carving procedure that ‘re-sculpts’ your labia.  Now you can lie back and spread your legs for any man with pride. 

Vagina too big?  Saggy?  Wrinkly?  Tsk tsk, you childbearing women.  Welcome the vaginoplasti, a totally invasive way of removing some of that vaginal tissue. To heck with kegels – don’t bother strengthening your muscles back into shape the natural way.  You should be smaller and tighter damn it - small enough for even the teesiest of penises.

Now…about your G-spot orgasm.  (If you’re one of the lucky 25% of women who have them.)   Apparently you need a bit more umph!  How about some collagen injected into your G-spot.  What’s that?  True…there isn’t such a thing as actual G-‘spot’.  But that cluster of glands around the urethra?  That target zone is good enough – this shot will make it BIGGER.  How long does it last?  Three months.  Yes, only three months.  But it’ll be oh so worth the major explosion it causes.

Risks, smisks, why be so serious?  Don’t you want to have the perfect looking/feeling pussy?  Don’t you want to satisfy your man and prevent any nightmares of being swallowed by a gigantic vagina?

Alright.  So there’s one major one – the possibility of having pain and numbness for the rest of your life.  But so what.  Don’t you want to look and feel ‘perfect’ for your man?  It’s just your vagina hun, one of the most sacred, beautiful, SENSITIVE parts of your body…

Run away hun.  Run away fast.  Any man who has issues with your vagina should take a peek at his own tackle and begin ‘enhancing’ and ‘rejuvenating’  there.  Be happy with what you’ve got.  You’re vagina is perfectly perfect the way it is; they come in every size, shape and texture under the sun, you just don’t know it cause us women don’t whip it out at urinals and compare ours to the person next to us. 

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Facebook has brought some amazing re~connections to all of us. For me it has brought an old (male) friend back into my sphere.  We have opened up like thirsty nestlings waiting for the next morsel.  Separated by fifteen thousand miles, we are comfortable enough to push boundaries and mystery.  I have been more open with him than anyone I can remember… So today came an absolutely normal question… what if…  would I… with him?  And here is my response that I am sharing because it just simmers constantly within me…

Whew! It wasn’t the question I was expecting so that’s … interesting…

And like you said, who knows?  I know that I have, from time to time (thought) about (it), particularly when we discussed you running away to New Zealand ~ and that would have been so spontaneous and exciting and delicious ~ but who knows what chemistry brings?

I know that poetic license is so incredibly important to me and openness and all of that stuff… and then without one skerrick of warning, everything clams up.

Like when I go to have drinks with the girls and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and happy and want more ~ and then something comes down on me like a sledgehammer and even if I were paid a thousand dollars to have one more drink, I couldn’t.

I’m too strange like that, I have a full heart, an open mind and a taste for curiosity and then ~ BAM! That good girl who is watching her daddy cry over her older sister’s antics as she is sitting on the stairs comes back and all sense of propriety comes back.  I don’t get it, I don’t necessarily like it, I don’t necessarily WANT it ~ but there it is.

Damn I’d love to be loose and who~gives~a~flying~fugowie and even with the best of naughty intentions, I can’t follow through.  I think it has too much to do with heart.

Love making is making love ~ and sex is… okay for others to play with but I got hurt so badly that I don’t want to let myself out there again.  I’m so glad you asked this question because every time I flow in this direction, I change the flow.  Safety in miles.  Safety in relative anonymity.

It’s not like it has been a lot but in my decade of independence, I HAVE gone out with the full intention of getting laid no matter what.  But nothing takes my fancy.  I need to have my fancy taken.

Even on my dates in California in 2005 as we were driving past a strip of motels along the road from San Diego to Encinitas, I knew that all I had to do was to say, ‘turn here’ and lick my lips ~ and I would have made his night ~ probably his year ~ maybe his decade… and I considered it until….  nope.  Couldn’t do it.

Even with my niece saying ‘Just once Maya ~ JUST ONCE!! No one will ever know and you will feel achy/soft/used/using/brutal/alive again’…  SOOO damned tempting.  But…. nah, no way.  No fancy.  And he had searched me out from the yearbook and got in touch and treated me so sweetly but he was so fucking safe and couldn’t take a chance getting lost on country roads and he was too stuck in his straight-backed propriety and there was no animal in him at all.

And crazy as it sounds, I keep saving myself for ~ what?  Who?  Just because OTL said the magic things?  I am still so aware that he’s changed too.  He says that he loves my pics, and he can still smell patchouli and hone in on me.  He’s not the same.  I’M not the same.  Shit.  Now you’ve got me thinking again.

Yes Raul ~ maybe ~ No Raul ~ maybe I’ve taken too much mystery out.  Yes Raul ~ definitely and no Raul, I don’t know if I could cross that line.

Did I tell you about my summers between college and my FWB?  I’m sure I did.  How amazing it was.  But with you, there is more to it.  I’ve let you in.  I COULDN’T fall in love with my FWB and he couldn’t fall in love with me so we laughed and frolicked all summer(s) long.  And never looked back.

It was all about the sex ~ excellent sex.  Fun sex.  Catch-me-if-you-can sex.  Right here right now sex.  Back seat sex. Roadside sex. Under landing planes at a little airport sex.  Kitchen table sex. Rubbing on the living room floor sex…  ala Jimmy Buffett, of course.

I’ve thought it.  I’d be dead if I hadn’t.  And you are so damned safe with your menagerie of beauties and me still being seventeen and fresh.  With you I get to play that same vixen that I get to play with OTL, that enticing memory but with a bit more panache.

So, in my roundabout way of saying this, it would have to be all about chemistry.  And maybe a very dark room so we could feel one another and I could feel beautiful… or not… I sometimes think that I am too damaged to even do that but that is my fantasy.

A bucket of sweet champagne, very faint candle or fire light, taste sensations like melting chocolate, DelMarVa strawberries, spicy ceviche or mussels that drip, and drip well…  darkness, quiet conversations that evolve.  A tantric start ~ maybe a little bit of herb, yes a little bit of herb ~ and darkness, touching.

Oh yeah, I haven’t forgotten that sensuality.  That swimming in a pool at night with the lights under the water and the feel of water and air on my naked skin.  Yes I think of it a lot.  And I love to remember it.  But like I told you, this door has only been opened for a select number of lovers and that guillotine sensation that slams down whenever I try to test the boundaries… It’s happened a few times more than I’d like.

Why? I think that’s one major reason why I don’t smoke pot any more.  I love it too much. It is in that Pandora’s Box of deliciously decadent things that I could do insanely until the end of time, losing all concentration on anything but yep, skin contact, feeling relaxed and uninhibited, sensual pleasures.  Like most people, I would imagine.  Nice, calm, cool, collected on the outside while raw and just a little mad on the inside.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I’m writing this at 4.00 on Saturday afternoon with a handful of teenage boys racing around shadow boxing and sparring and I am able to focus on my carnal desires.  Strange balance.

I’m going to go play mama/carer now and think about this.  And remember what it was like back in the day when there were no constraints and I could frolic all day and all night long…  I’m restless and uneasy.  Who knows the answer but thanks for the question.  Delicious.

besos y sensacional pensamientos carnales

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The finding that women who do not use condoms during
sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who
have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one
researcher to conclude that semen contains “ powerful and potentially addictive
mood-altering chemicals.”

Study author Gordon G. Gallup,
Ph.D., a psychologist at the State University of New York in Albany, also found
that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms became increasingly
depressed as more time elapsed since their last sexual encounter. There was no
such correlation for women whose partners regularly used condoms.

Not only is semen addictive but also if you go
without long enough there is a “rebound effect.” One that makes women most
likely to seek out new sexual partners as soon as a relationship ends.

So, a lack of semen increase our
risk for depression AND it also turns us into sluts on the prowl once it is withdrawn
from our lives. Hilarious!

If it weren’t so late I’m sure I could find more
to say about something so ridiculous.

As it is, I’m wondering what I should do
about the lack of semen in my life. I’ve two choices, throw myself into a fit
of depression, admit my life is not worth living or…hit the local truck stop
and turn my frown upside down

Cathy

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My head is off is left field this morning, pondering women’s sexuality. I know – a complicated topic. But this is what I’m trying to figure out:

Does a woman’s sexuality ripple into other areas of her life? Is her sexuality, in fact, a metaphor in motion for her behaviour and conduct in her work life, personal life, and social life?

Take the quality of meekness as an example. If a woman is meek in bed, does that commonly show up in her personality elsewhere? But more importantly – AND THIS IS KEY – if she allows herself, through sexual exploration, to become more assertive in bed, will that blossoming quality merge with and empower her in her outside-the-bedroom life? Can a woman’s sexuality be a starting point for change and growth instead of the end-point?

We’re taught, through social conditioning, that a woman’s Sexual Self and Spiritual Self are separate; one refers to the physical realm, the other pertains to her identity/soul.  If the words ‘sexuality’ and ‘spirituality’ are ever used in the same sentence together, they typically refer to the connection she feels with a man…

But what about the connection she feels with her Self? What about THAT relationship?  In order for her to understand and display the many colors of her soul, perhaps fully exploring the wellspring of her sexuality is vital. Perhaps her body is a treasure chest full of invaluable gifts and insights just waiting to be opened.  Perhaps it even ‘knows’ things the rest of her does not…

BUT…how are you suppose to empower yourself with such self-understanding when you live in a society that says you have to limit your partner numbers and sex is always suppose to be about love?  What if your ‘serious partner(s)’ didn’t unlock the mysteries contained within you?

K, that’s probably enough questions for you. I don’t know if my questions make sense to anyone but me. I’m just trying to understand the immensity of change I’m going through right now post-divorce; I’m trying to get a better grasp on ME. And my body, which I think is an important spiritual extension of me, whispers that it has an important role to play in my evolution…

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

 www.delainemoore.com