Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike. But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?

The Passive Aggressive Man…

1. Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withhold something he knows you want?
2. Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.
3. Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing, in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is after all his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you. He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman who expects too much from him.
4. Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare from something in a few hours that would normally take days.
5. Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue then distance himself.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom. The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship.  He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy.  All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

More About Passive Aggressive Behavior in Men:

Setting Limits and Boundaries With The Passive Aggressive Man

Join the New DWO Community!

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Are you struggling to rebuilt your life, are you feeling hopeless and unsure where to go from here? If so, JOIN NOW and connect with others who are walking the same path and learn from those who have, “been there, done that.”
Recommended reading:
Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom

Venturing into the online dating world can feel as scary as trekking through a dark, unknown wood.  Who lurk’eth in the shadows?  we can’t help but wonder.  Maybe “lions & ligers & bears, on my!”

As I set out on last weekend’s first-date ‘adventure,’ I admit I felt both nervous and excited.  Both on the phone and during our IM session, we’d had great chemistry.  Plus, given as he was a dentist and almost all of my family works in medicine, we had a lot in common.  

Sitting in the pub wearing a pretty dress and a fresh coat of lip-gloss, I waved as I saw him come through the entranceway. I stood up as he approached and shook his hand.  “Hi, I’m Amelia,” I said. 

“Wow, you’re so cute!” he said as we both sat down.

“Cute?  Like a puppy?”  I teased.

“Haha.  No, I mean HOT.  Sexy.  SUPER sexy.”  His eyes darted around. 

Immediately, my spider sense went off.  Something didn’t seem right…. But I ignored my intuition and went ahead and ordered wine from the waitress. 

Right away, he started talking about how he’d recently moved to our city.  “I’ve spent the last 10 years in Ottawa,” he said.  “I worked for Telus Communications…”  And as he rambled on about the team of computer technicians he oversaw, I sat there with a frozen smile on my face.

Finally, he stopped talking.  I looked him straight in the eyes and stated,  “You told me you were dentist.” 

Pase.  Squirm squirm.  Eyes darted. “Oh, did I? (laugh)  

“Yes, you did.  Remember?  My brother is a dentist and almost all of my family is in medicine?  We talked about it at great length.”

More laughing; looking away.  “Ohhhhh, that was you.  I was talking to like three different girls last night.  I must have got you confused.  Oh well.  It happens (laugh).”

I looked down at my purse and clenched the strap in my hand.  Decision was made.  “I’m leaving,” I announced as I stood up.

“Oh, c’mon!  Don’t you think you’re over reacting a bit?”

I paused for a second then looked down at him.  “No.  I’m not overreacting.  I just don’t date liars.” 

And I walked out.  Liars & tigers & snakes, good-bye!

Amelia www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Did He Just Stare At The Waitress’ Butt?

Trying To Understand Men: The “Buy-Her-A-Drink” Pick-Up Method

Dating After Divorce: An Indecent, Freaky, Or Attractive Proposal?

It’s easier than it sounds. You don’t have to speak a foreign language, live in a loft in a trendy neighborhood, drive a hybrid, or down tequila shots without flinching. You don’t have to be anything but yourself.

The key to attracting a man is to cultivate and maintain interests of your own. This means:

1. Never cancel a night out with a friend to go out with him. Doing so sends the message that you are desperate.
2. Continue to pursue your hobbies, your career, and your relationships with friends and family at the rate you did before you started dating.

In other words, live a full life!

If the guy tells you he can’t see you this weekend, don’t ask him why. Let him volunteer the information. If and when he does, tell him to have a good time and mean it. Chances are, he’ll be intrigued enough to ask you what your plans are for the weekend. Keep your answer vague. Tell him that you may go out with friends, and then go home and call one or two to line something up.

It’s also attractive to a man when you are not available to pick up every time he calls. If the phone rings while you’re in the shower, let him leave a message and wonder where you are.

I don’t suggest you lie or play games, and I do not advocate manipulation, but ask yourself:

Do you like men who follow you around, hang on your every word, and call you more often than necessary? Are you turned on by a guy who shows up after you’ve told him you need a night out with your friends? A guy who’s afraid to let you out of his sight?

Of course not.

All of us–men and women–want a “prize” when it comes to dating and relationships. We want someone who will treat us well, but who isn’t overly available. Overly available people are not interesting. People who have places to go and people to see are exciting–and a bit mysterious.

Keep a full life, and you will be interesting. You will be attractive. That man you’re so crazy about will definitely come back for more!

More Articles:

Lust: Damned if You Give In, Damned if You Don’t

What Kind of Man Want’s “Serious” With a Single Mom?

And, Just Like That, Love May Enter Your Life

As my divorced girlfriend Amy told me about a recent first date she went on, she was practically squealing.  For not only was her date smart, funny and gentlemanly, she was very sexually attracted to him.  “I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at his lips,” she laughed.  “My mind kept flashing with scenes of us getting naked!”  So at the end of their evening, when he dropped her off at her house, Amy said she literally “jumped out of the car” as soon as he parked.   “I just knew that if he so much as kissed me, I’d end up in bed with him that night.”

Now let me clarify something here:  Amy doesn’t have issue with men and women having non-love sex right out of the starting gates.  In fact, since divorcing, she’s taken numerous lovers to bed and enjoyed them for whatever lifespan they held.   But at this point post-divorce, Amy is finally opening to the idea of having a serious relationship.  And if a woman wants ‘serious’, there are rules to adhere to, aren’t there? Here are a few I’ve heard buzzing around:

1) wait at least three/four dates before having sex

2) do different ‘activities’ together on your dates so you can assess compatibility, and

3) focus on being ‘friends’ so you can really get to know one another.

These rules certainly appear simple and tidy in print…but in live-time, when one is across from a potential mate who seems scrum-diddly-umptious from head to toe, it can be very challenging  to follow The Code and keep hormones in check (and YES guys, women can feel this way too!).

So what ‘should’ we do?  Who reigns supreme, the head, heart or body, and which of the three promises greater chances of relationship success?

To me, any decision we make is a gamble - we’re potentially damned if we DO sleep with him AND potentially damned if we don’t.

Why We’re Damned If We Do Sleep With Him

First, even though it’s the year 2010, if a woman has sex with a man too quickly, that alone might kill his interest.  Yes, it’s the old school, I-want-a-’Good-Girl’ thing, which is unfair and judgmental.  But this  kind of thinking is still alive and well so our being ‘branded’ is always a risk.

Secondly, if we have sex early in the relationship – say, after the fourth date  -  we are at risk of having our brains consumed by what I call the ‘Lust Cloud.’  Even though we don’t really know our partners, the Lust Cloud will fill in the empty spaces with what we ‘hope’ the other person is instead of who he really is. All our senses are heightened, the world seems to dance in vibrant color, as our newly-released passion courses through our veins day and night.  So powerful is our passion, so intoxicated are we to taste it again, that our drunk minds overlook warning signs and convince our hearts to start dangerously wondering:  Might this be true love? Phew – talk about distorted thinking!  But in live-time, it’s hard not to ride that train.

Why We’re Damned If We Don’t Sleep With Him

Saying ‘no’ to sex early on in the relationship can bring on a whole other slew of challenges. Number one, as my girlfriend Amy’s date story showed, it can be mentally and physically frustrating NOT to act on our strong physical desire.  Sure, it depends on the woman and her libido – but hey, don’t judge her if hers is greater than yours; not everyone is good at going months (or years) without sex.

Secondly, if we fight off our desire to have sex with him early in the relationship and slowly come to the realization he isn’t The One, didn’t we, in a way, just miss out on a potentially fantastic, short-term sexual relationship?  Isn’t there something to be said for enjoying any kind of passion we experience, even if it doesn’t turn into True Love? Again, this depends on each individual woman and what she can handle; I’m not going to tell anyone what’s best for her.  But I will point out that sex is a normal, healthy, beautiful experience whether it’s experienced under the canopy of ‘like’ or ‘love.’  And ALL our sexual experiences can be used as tools to teach us something about ourselves, our bodies, men, and even life.

Thirdly, if we wait a long period of time before taking a new partner to bed, we run the risk of them being, well….a lousy lover.  I recently heard the story of a 35-year-old divorced mom who didn’t have sex with her new man for three months.  By this point, she was in love with him and they were making serious plans for their future.  When they finally decided to make love, it turned out her partner had serious erectile problems – he’d had them for years.  Look where following the Rule Book got her…(shaking head); would you want to be in her bed?

Tossing The Rule Book

No matter how many happy couples you poll, you’ll hear of ‘happy endings’ from those who had sex right away, as well as from those who waited months.  So in the end, I think it’s important that we not get too caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ of a outdated rule book that guarantees nothing except feelings of upset or guilt when we follow it and it doesn’t work out.  My only real conclusion at this point is that one should exercise a little bit of caution, a little bit of restraint, and work at being a BIG bit happy with herself and the choices she makes.  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make some ‘well-made mistakes’ as I try to find my new Mr Right, than make ‘well-made excuses’ for how I’ve lived/not lived my life.

But for those of you who might find yourself in the same situation as for my ‘frisky’ friend Amy, who’s STILL determined to wait till the third date before having sex, I’ll advise you in the same girlfriend way I did with her:  The next time you see him  a)  don’t shave you legs or bikini before going out.   And b)  if you’re ovulating, for God’s sake, cancel!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Dating Can Be As Much Of  A Mirror As A Full-On Relationship

One-Night Stands: Qualifiers & Disqualifiers

Trying To Understand Men: The Buy-Her-A-Drink Pick-Up Method

Submitted by Delaine

As I read through his lengthy profile on the dating site, I found myself laughing out loud.  It was written with such good humor that I assumed THIS line was too: 

“What I don’t like:

1) Women who date younger men in the hopes of hiding from the fact they are OLD.
2) Women who judge me cause I date younger women, cause well… let’s face it, I’m cool. LOL

But when I jokingly teased him about these statements, I found out he meant them seriously.   He wrote:

“We all know that women are a lot more mature than men so it’s no big deal for us to date younger.  But when you flip it, the only thing that’s going on is pathetic older women f***ing boys.  That’s sick!”

Now whoa!  That wasn’t just harsh, it was hostile.  And I wondered:  Do a lot of men (perhaps over age 35?) share his sentiments?  Where does this hostility coming from? And  most importantly, can men’s feelings be changed or at least softened?  Cause  I don’t think this social phenomena is going to disappear any time soon…

If men brand every woman out there who dates/has dated a younger man ‘pathetic’,  almost every one of my divorced girlfriends (myself included) would be branded.  But I know none of us have regrets for our actions.  We were reacclimatizing to the dating trenches, we were determined to get ‘back out there’ and move our lives forward, hormones were racing, opportunities knocked, and hello! Sometimes we answered!  ALL the dating/sex we experienced, whether our partners were younger OR older, was serving a purpose:  exploring the new Women under construction.  Moreover, the bottom line is that SEX FEELS GOOD -  do we really need to justify who we have it with?

To me,  it makes sense that the ‘older women/ younger man phenomena’  has increased in popularity.  I mean, socially, we have more divorced or single women out there dating again than ever before.  And as fully grown women who are more than capable of making good decisions for themselves, why shouldn’t they take more than peek around at what’s available? 

At the same time, I understand men’s ‘resistance’ to it:  the roles and identities of women in our society continue to change, and this means it calls men’s roles/identities into question, too; they’re confused as hell!   I’ll even take it astep further:  I bet  being looked over and replaced by younger men hurts older men - at the ego and heart level, that is.   Suddenly they find themselves questioning their less-than-taunt waistlines; maybe the wrinkles they see in the mirror don’t look so ruggedly handsome anymore either.  It’s hard to be judged so superficially, isn’t it?  How can you not take it personally?

Of course, these are feelings that women have been experiencing for eons…but this isn’t about balancing out wrongs committed.   But what I DO see as a wrong is men then resorting to name-calling and sweeping stereotypes about women should they date a younger man. 

So while we continue on within this chaos of social change and upheaval, where gender roles, relationships, and values are metamorphosing, I ask that these men ask themselves this:  Do you REALLY think women dating/having sex with younger men is ‘pathetic’?  Could it be that it’s touching on your own insecurities instead?  Or at the core, is this more about you having a problem with women having the liberty to have non-sex love?

Cause a woman’s ’sexual purity’ should NOT be used as the measuring stick of her overall character and value as a human being.  And until such time as our society recognizes THAT fact, I don’t think the sexes will ever be at peace with one another.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Under The Scrunity of Married Women

Beware The Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

Haunted By Ex Sex

Delaine

Further to Cathy’s list of top ten places to meet men, I want to top it off with one more – one that was inspired by a little story my married girlfriend Sue told me last weekend:

You see, Sue’s SUV was in the shop undergoing repairs. Consequently,  she ended up having to drive her husband’s BMW for the day.  ”I was really nervous driving it,” she said.  “I was 100% focused on driving carefully cause I knew Jacob (her husband) would KILL me if I got in an accident.”

But it didn’t take long for her awareness to expand – it started while in the grocery store parking lot:  “Men were doing double takes and smiling at me.  I actually checked my fly wondering if I’d left it open. (laugh)  But then I realized it was the CAR.”

During pit stop number two, her thoughts were confirmed.  “As I was getting in the car at the shopping mall, a man suddenly walked up to me and started casually chatting to me.   He then gave me his business card with his phone number on it and told me to call him!”

“Have you ever heard of this happening before, Delaine?” she laughed.

I shook my head.  “Hey, I drive a minivan.  I have no clue!”  And truth be told, not only did I not pay attention to men’s cars, I found the reverse to be true for me: if I saw a man in his late thirties/early forties driving a fancy car I’d think “Mid-Life Crisis car”, not “Man I want to meet.”

So might Sue’s experience be the norm?  Might men be programmed to look at nice cars and when their eyes then move to the driver and they see it’s an attractive woman, they get all excited?”

Just out of curiosity, I asked a couple of male friends what THEY thought:  does a woman driving a fancy car get their engines revved?  Both responded “yes!”  Seeing her would at least cause a warm smile in her direction.  But the thoughts “sugar momma” and “someone has a rich husband” also came to mind…

“Maybe you should go rent a fancy car one day and see what happens,” my girlfriend suggested playfully.  “Oh, and by the way, I wasn’t looking particularly fantastic that day either.  I mean, I’d done my hair and had on my regular makeup but I was just wearing jeans.  Imagine the attention I’d have received if I was dressed up!”

So there you have it ladies – food for thought anyway.  If you have some free time and extra money to spend, maybe a car rental for the day is in order.  Some high-heeled shoes…a flirty smile…and of course, no kids in the back seat. Could be a fun way to feel a little fabulous and who knows, maybe even meet Mr.  Right or Right Now – a lot can happen before the clock strikes midnight and it turns back into a minivan!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other articles:

The Best Time to Meet A Man Online: A Question From A Separated Woman

Dating After Divorce: An Indecent, Freaky Or Attractive Proposal?

Baby, This Is Sex Not Love

night and

Submitted by Delaine

So I’m becoming less judgmental and more open to men - and it has taken me a few years to get to here since divorcing  (better late than never, right?).   But after watching the movie, The Ugly Truth, and seeing how underneath Gerard’s Butler piggish character was a wounded man with a big heart, the more sympathetic AND curious I’ve become about what makes men the way they are.

Now let me make this clear: under no circumstances do I think men acting like pigs and jerks towards women is excusable. Men are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour and choices no matter what, as are women. That being said, women slicing all men to pieces and making huge stereotypes is not the way to go either. For that unfairly lumps Good Men in with the Jerks AND doesn’t permit us to see through the ‘facade’ of Jerks. The main objective here is to respectfully ‘get along’, isn’t it?

Recently, I’ve begun asking men why THEY think men act like pigs and players towards women. I may just be skimming the surface, so please enlighten me if need be; but here’s what I’ve gotten back:

1) Their behaviour is usually a coping/self-defence mechanism. They’ve been hurt badly by a woman (or more) and instead of processing that hurt in a healthy way, they choose to treat women like ‘sexual objects.’

Now, a part of me immediately rolls my eyes when I hear this.  I think, “Oh, get over it,” and “And c’mon, you don’t think us women have been hurt too?”  But this leads to point #2.

2) Men’s ability to ‘process’ and express their feelings is largely hindered by society’s definition of what it means to be a man. Growing up, men are STILL learning to shove their feelings inside. This is further exacerbated by the relationships many men have with their fathers – the old school take on what it means to be a man is still being passed on.

Again, a part of me is still rolling my eyes when I hear this.  After all, us women face immense social and family challenges around who we’re suppose to be too, so why should we have sympathy for you?  But again, I’m trying to open a door of understanding here – this isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m simply trying to understand…

3) Men are confused as all hell about what women want and even NEED from them. In many ways, women seem to be doing it all. Men don’t know where their place is. It’s not that men want to STOP women from their progress in so much as they don’t know where their role begins and ends as a result. When it comes right down to it, men want to feel like men, but they don’t know what that means anymore. Similarly, they want to make women feel like women and they don’t know what that means either.

To this, I respond that I understand the ‘confusion.’  I, too, am confused about what I feel my roles as a woman are. I feel intense pressure to ‘do it all’, which leaves me unsure of what a yin/yang partnership should look/feel like.   Thus I can  surmise that this situation is just as confusing and scary on the male side too.

A part of me thinks we’re going through an important and much-needed, mass social upheaval – all hell is breaking loose so that eventually we all learn to value one another for who we are verses limiting criteria such as gender, skin color, religion, or what have you. Maybe, collectively, some massive social message is in the throes of being written – it’s just not legible yet…

In the meantime, as stereotypes and boundaries continue to be pushed and broken down, I think it’s important we’re aware of when we’re erecting new walls that hurt, judge, and degrade members of the opposite sex. I know that on some levels, I’ve been guilty of this too; I’ve punished innocent men for the emotional crimes committed against me by others.

But underneath it all, I really do love the male species.  There are many things about men that I admire and want and even need.  Otherwise, well… I wouldn’t be out there dating, would I?

So guys, ladies: what do YOU think?  Is there way more to the male wound that I’ve described here or are these ‘explanations’ nothing more than excuses?  Please comment, share, enlighten me, please!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Guilty Or Not Guilty?  False Representation In The Bedroom

Women’s Sexuality: A Starting Point Or End Point For Learning?

Would YOU Go Out To A Bar Alone?

Almost all women at some point in their lives attract a ‘bad man’; some of us marry him. And by ‘bad,’ I’m not simply referring to men who are drug lords, pimps, or wife abusers. No, “bad men” are men who don’ treat us and love us as wonderfully as we deserve. They are, as Sarah Breathnach puts it, “spiritual disgraces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves.”

It can be hard to identify the spiritual ‘gifts’ our bad men have brought us – especially if they cheated and left us for another woman. When everything first erupts, we’ll call them ‘bad’ and mean it literally, venomously, blamefully.

But as I’ve moved forward on the divorce timeline, I’ve begun to revisit my marriage from a different place – a place that takes responsibility; not for the choices he made, but for the big life lessons I needed a ‘bad man’ to teach me.

The lessons I’ve excavated are so poignant and obvious to me now, I seriously think that our union was divinely orchestrated for my soul’s higher good. Here are some of the ‘biggies’ I learned:

1) I am a pleaser and will bend myself into a pretzel to keep my man and other people happy. My self-posed question post-divorce is : What makes Delaine happy?

2) I am big-time left-field thinker. And I need to be with a man who cherishes that in me, not one who ridicules me for it.

3) I deserve to be loved in ways that are meaningful to me. And though I appreciated my ex buying me gifts and wanting to do things together (which were things he wanted to do, like riding dirt bikes and going to bars), I need love to be expressed through language too. I love words. I love self-expression. And how they are said are as important to me as what is being said.

4)  As much as I believed in the beauty of ‘family’ and working as a team with my ex, I was left vulnerable taking on the huge task of stay-at-home mom. And though I am so deeply grateful for all I learned in this role, this is not ALL of who I am – Delaine has dreams…big dreams.

These are but a few of my personal epiphanies. And as time moves forward, I’m sure there will be more. But as Sarah Breathnach said, these ‘bad men’ are meant to teach us to learn to love ourselves. So I’m making the time to learn that, instead of rushing into my next relationship to find a sense of worth or purpose. And because of all my hard inner-work, I trust that the next man I fall in love with will be a Good Man.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.

After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex.  I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together.   How much harder?  I am willing to change.

But am I being naïve? Or, is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for?  Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?

Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values.  Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.

Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant.  The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home.  I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.

Once I understood it’s meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst.  (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)

I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy.  (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)

I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”

Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.

And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!

And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter.   Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.

But it hasn’t been a simple matter.  In fact, it’s been living hell.  Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much.  Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibers and carpet mites.

Why so f***ed up?  My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.

Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.

Horizontally we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless.  Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work.  We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and traveled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.

But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.

Here’s the conundrum.  In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt.  For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well.  He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.

However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships?  Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it.  Try harder I say.

So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?

If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.

I haven’t a clue right now.  I’m still talking to carpet mites.

How much do I miss sex with the Ex?  Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done.  I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs.  Got a match?”

Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.”   I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.

There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again.  These words drifted into my head after I made yet another half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”

Just because I lie on the carpeted floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?

Of course it does.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com to tell him your own haunting story. Be sure to check out his site at www.geronimocode.com also.

What woman hasn’t found herself in this scenario? 

You’re at a bar, chatting with a girlfriend, when all of a sudden, the bartender or waitress suddenly puts an unordered drink in front of you.  “It’s from that man over there,” she says, pointing across the room.  You look over, only to see a man you aren’t attracted to, smiling over at you.  You smile, maybe wave, and mouth thanks.  That’s the least you can do, right?   Two minutes later, when he garners the courage to approach you, you feel obliged to talk to him; after all, that was kind of him to buy you a drink. To turn it down would be rude; a slap in his face, not to mention a waste of his money and a drink.

My question to you NOW is:  What did you do wrong in this scenario? 

According to a male friend of mine, you shouldn’t have accepted the drink.  Period. ”You should send it back with a polite no thank you and end the man’s hope right there,” he said.

Now I can only speak for myself and my close girlfriends, but I’ve never thought it right to immediately send the drink back.  The mere thought of that made me feel GUILTY.  Again, it was a kind gesture, and I thought it would be blatantly rude to waste the drink.

When I told my male friend this, he was genuinely surprised:  “You feel guilty?” he asked.  “The only reason you should feel guilty is if you accept the drink, continue to lead the guy, only to reject him later.”

Call me stupid but I’d never thought of it from that perspective before.  Out of curiosity, I asked a couple other men what they think.  They totally concurred.  A “thanks, but no thanks” gesture via a drink is more polite than a face-to-face rejection or eventual cold-shoulder.

Now, of course, these are only the opinions of a handful of men.  And if you are of the same or another view, I’d love to hear it.  My sole goal here is to blast through one of the misconceptions/miscommunications between the sexes out in the singles trenches.  I want men to understand that oftentimes women accept drinks out of ‘guilt’ rather than because we enjoy leading them on or because we’re conniving bitches intent on emptying their wallets.  Moreover, I want women to understand that, even though it can feel ugly and uncomfortable, rejecting a man through a drink offer is potentially the most merciful way to show disinterest.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com