If you are like me you aren’t into one night stands. Waking up in the morning next to your new lover won’t happen after a night out and too many drinks.

You will know his first and last name, more than likely his mother’s name and many details that have led you to believe he is the one you want to share your first sleepover with post divorce.

I remember my first post divorce love fondly. Especially that first sleepover and the preparation that went into making it perfect for both of us. And it was perfect! He didn’t turn out to be Mr. Right but memories of the excitement I felt and the warmth and romance of that night will be with me forever.

So, whether you are hoping for a long-term relationship or just special time with that special someone following the tips below will ensure there will be a next time and some very pleasant memories of your first time:

1. You don’t want to be rushed the morning after so plan your first sleepover the night before a day off. Nothing is sweeter than being able to linger in bed the morning after. Pillow talk!

2. Make sure your bedroom is age appropriate. You are a grown woman! If you have a sock monkey or favorite teddy lounging on the bed, find a new place for them to spend the night. Few guys want to get freaky with a woman while surrounded by her stuffed animals.

3. Set the atmosphere. This takes care of two issues. If it is the first time you’ve been naked in front of a man since your divorce, the right lighting will take care of any body image fears. Turn off all over-head lights and use lamps with low watt light bulbs. Throw a pretty scarf over a lamp for even more flattering and dramatic lighting. And of course use candles but only one or two, you don’t want to overdo it. I suggest unscented candles that won’t distract from natural body odor or any scent you choose to wear.

4. Since he is staying the night have on hand anything he may need to ready himself for the next day. Buy an extra toothbrush, manly soap and have on hand disposable razors and shaving cream. Let him know you want him to feel pampered and special before leaving your home.

5. To keep down distractions turn off your cell, answering machine and land line. If you have children make sure they have an alternate number to call in case of emergencies. You don’t want your fun interrupted by distractions of any kind.

6. Stash the pets and kids in a safe place. I’m sure if he likes you well enough to sleepover he likes them also BUT he is there to sleep with you, not pet Buster or socialize with little Danny and Marie. Make sure they are safe and sound and keep your focus on the job at hand…an evening of fun adult activities.

7. Prepare the drawer in your nightstand with all the accoutrements a girl might need for a night of passion. You will need condoms; the best you can guy will offer the best protection. A tiny box of tissue comes in handy for any needed clean-up. And personal lubricant is a must if you are planning a sexual marathon.

8. Stock the frig with breakfast foods. Fresh brewing coffee, fruit and cereal to restore energy can be a sexy morning after treat. They do say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!

What to wear?  What to say?  How to act?  Desperation and nerves sink in.  You haven’t had a date in 15 years, are you crazy?  No, you are divorced!

This seemed like such a good idea when the papers were finalized.  The excitement of someone new and unfamiliar, getting spruced up for a night out on the town, but now that the reality of that first date is upon you, you feel nothing but anxiety and fear.

You joined the online dating site thinking it would be easy.  Easy to get a date and even easier to go on a date.  You thought it would be like riding a bike, something you never forget how to do.  But, suddenly, you have forgotten.  The rules have changed, the players have changed and someone forgot to send the new and improved manual.  What are you supposed to do?

The first thing you do is go through your closet, maybe even buy something new.  You shower, shave, dry your hair, put on your make up and put on that new outfit.  A final sprits of perfume and you show up 10 minutes early.

You listened to your friends warn you to never allowing a man you don’t know to pick you up.  But, where you come from, back in the day, the man always picked you up and where you come from online dating didn’t even exist.  You hope you recognize him.  A picture says a thousand words, but what if the picture on his profile was from 1952?

You meet, and he’s not half bad looking in the right kind of light.  He seems a bit desperate and his palms are sweaty when you shake hands hello.  You order a glass of wine, which he brings you from the bar.  He is nice.  He is nervous.  You wish you were home in your own bed watching Weeds or The Good Wife.  You smooth down your skirt and run a shaky hand through your hair while sipping your wine.  You hope you don’t spill down the front of your dress.

You haven’t had to make this much small talk since your ex-husband’s Christmas party at his firm a few years ago.  You don’t want to talk about your divorce or think about your ex, but you can’t help but compare your date to him.

You notice he doesn’t have as much hair and is a bit chubbier.  His teeth are yellowing and his gums are receding.  He chews with his mouth open.  You want to tell him about your divorce, but read that discussing the ex is a no-no on a first date, so you keep sipping your wine to keep the words from gushing out all over your first date.

And, through it all, you smile and laugh at the right places.  You look him in the eyes when you speak to him and ask plenty of questions.  You find out way to much about his kids, his ex and his dog.  Things you aren’t interested in.  Do you want dessert?  NO!  The wine gave you a headache and the glare from his bald spot is not helping any.  You need Advil and want to check your phone to see if your children have called.

At your car, you can’t wait to escape inside and drive off.  Please don’t kiss me, you are thinking, as you clumsily try to make your getaway.  Once in the car you realize, you had expectations.  They were huge.  This was the date that was supposed to sweep you into singlehood and make you realize the decision to get divorced was the right one.  This was the inaugural first date that was supposed to change your life.

This date was supposed to make you feel sexy, not sad.  He was supposed to make you feel like you were on top of the world, not like the world was on top of your shoulders.  You were supposed to feel lighter than air, not like you were weighted down with depression.  You were supposed to feel elated that you have the freedom to choose who you want to be with not upset over the choices you now have.

And, through all this, you still learned a very valuable lesson.  You learned that the next time…

1. You would not have high expectations, but expect nothing and be surprised if you got something.
2. You would try again, because this is part of post divorce.

This strange animal called dating.  And, you know that even though you didn’t want to do it again, you would go home and flip on the computer and stare at the hundreds of profiles wondering if one of the pictures would turn out to be Mr. Right, while choosing who you would contact for that second first date.

Lee Block is the vision behind the Post-Divorce Dating Club.  An online site where divorced men and women can mix, mingle and maybe meet.  A community of like-minded individuals not just for dating, but for learning and growing and maybe marriage.  Post-Divorce Dating Club offline is currently located in Houston, Texas, with plans to exand nationwide.  When Lee is not working on the launch of her Club, she can be found writing at The Post-Divorce Chronicles and Coaching at Post Divorce Group, LLC.

All the online dating sites have a box that you can check if you are divorced with children, and you can do a search to find those people, but are you getting quality?  Not always.

I have often been asked to fix up divorced friends, not only by parents of those that are divorced, but by the friends themselves.  I also have heard how difficult it is to meet quality divorced people, as well as know that from my own experience.

I have started the Post-Divorce Dating Club, which is not just for people who are already divorced!  This club is FREE to join!  What you will get when joining this club is dating advice, dating help, dating and divorce seminars and lectures, social networking with other divorced men and women and even some real face to face meet and greets with other…Read More

Lee Block, a Post-Divorce Consultant and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles and Founder of the Post Divorce Dating Club, is a divorced mother of two, who is passionate about empowering women in transition to find a new life!

1. Ignoring Your First Impression. You can tell everything you need to know about a guy in the first 15 seconds.  OK maybe 15 minutes, but during those first minutes after you meet your intuition is on overdrive.  You  haven’t had time yet to rationalize  away all those red flags just because he’s good-looking or rich.   If you don’t pay attention to that first impression you will regret it.

2. Confusing Sex And Intimacy. Women who jump into bed right away are often hoping to skip the getting-to-know-each-other stage of the relationship and get intimate right away.  It doesn’t work that way.  Don’t use sex as a cheap substitute for intimacy. The act itself doesn’t take all that much time or effort, and it will allow you to fantasize a sense of closeness that doesn’t really exist.   It takes time to establish real inti macy and there are no short cuts.

3. Trying To Change Him. It’s so tempting not to see or accept who a man really is, but who he could be if only you could help him get a job, quit drinking, or move out of mom’s house.   We women tend to see guys as a pile of potential rather than for sale as is, then we waste years trying to “fix” him.   Don’t bother.  If you want to change anything more substantive than the way he dresses, forget it.   In fact forget the style change too, a lot of guys just refuse to give up those ripped sweats and pony tails.

4. Making Excuses For Him. How many times have we said to ourselves:  “Oh, he only gets drunk occasionally,” or “He loves me, that’s why he’s so jealous,” or “I know he has a good heart even though he doesn’t show it.’  I made excuses for my husband’s lack of integrity for years, including his lying, “forgetting” and eventually cheating until he finally left me for another women.

5. Taking Him For Granted. We women tend to get caught up with our jobs, our businesses, the children or grandchildren and ignore our husbands,, thinking we don’t have to make an effort to keep our marriage vibrant and alive.   If you don’t pay attention to your husband you take the risk of him finding someone who will.   This is the biggest complaint of men who leave—that their wives lost interest and stopped appreciating them.   Men are like plants, they need a lot of watering or they wilt.

Submitted by Erica Manfred Your “girlfriend in a book!” He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty

When I think about other women in a marriage that can be defined as “sexless” that is what I think about. Are these women in marriage similar to mine? Are they holding onto hope that things will change, that one day they will be desired sexually? Will they find out, like I did that a man who can’t make an intimate connection can’t make a connection of any kind? Are they not seeing the reality of the situation?

How do you define a sexless marriage? Some experts call marriages that average 10 or less “intimate couplings” a year “sexless.”  I recently read that an estimated 18% of marriages become passionless and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm in some.  Are those marriages amongst those who have been married for decades though?

How about us who suffer sexual rejection from the beginning. The passion hasn’t faded, there isn’t a loss of interest after years of marriage. That, when I think about it seems easy to live with when compared to what my marriage was like.

While dating we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or he behaved in ways that lead me to believe he was interested. His interest came to an end the night we married. We didn’t have sex that night and averaged sex every 6 to 8 weeks from then on.  Being the problem solver that I am I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.

And like most women, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex with me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn’t care for sex in general. It was ME, if only I were more sexual, slimmer, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually he would come around.

I read a lot of advice geared toward women in sexless marriages. I took most of the advice and in hindsight realize more often than not it was nothing more than sleazy and useless tips on how to be sexier and arouse your man. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which now seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of most women who have probably already done all they can to arouse their husband and becoming an amateur porn star doesn’t really improve things … it only serves to make a woman feel worse about herself!

So, although I can’t tell a woman who has found herself in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest she not do as I did. The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn’t want to “make love.”

What did I learn?

There is no easy solution.

It wasn’t about ME. And, it isn’t about YOU. The focus should have been on fixing HIM and not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want sex. If you take anything away from this article, I hope it is the knowledge that you are desirable, not in need of change, are not doing anything wrong and most importantly can’t fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.

Are you single? Sexually active? Do you assume your partner or partners are healthy?

Bad call.

Disease isn’t personal. It isn’t judgmental. It doesn’t know if you attend church, if you brush your teeth and floss. If you’ve only had two sexual partners in a lifetime, or 302.

What about your teenagers? Do they use condoms? Are you making assumptions, or looking the other way?

A recent article reports that sexually active teenagers (14-17) are doing far better at using condoms than adults.

Is this a case of do as I say, not do as I do? Is it time for us to look to our adolescents as models of healthy behavior?

I have to admit, I find the statistics in this article both reassuring (relative to teens) and disheartening (for adults). As a woman over 40 (and on my own for 9 years), I’m hardly a wild child, but nor have I relocated to the neighborhood nunnery. In my own experience, I’ve been surprised by the number of times that a condom wasn’t part of the courtship, and a firm request was required. That, or lab work – in writing.

Sexually active over 40, and beyond

What concerns me is the drop-off in condom use over 40, by both men and women, even among casual sex partners. However, the data reflect that condom usage is considerably higher  in black and Hispanic men.

Is there an assumption that a white man of a certain age is healthy? What other assumptions are we making about those we bed in middle-age and beyond?

In the 40-49 age group, condom use by women with casual partners is only 20%. In contrast, for the same age group among men, condom use with casual partners is roughly 35%. Now compare this to teens 14-17, male and female, with over 80% indicating condom use.

A woman’s view

Why are we disregarding the lessons of sexual health that we’re teaching our children? What role might self-image play in all this? What about our physicians?

Once I hit my late 40s, I was no longer asked if I was sexually active. Not by male doctors, nor female doctors. It was assumed that I was not, particularly as a divorced mother, working and raising kids. No discussion of birth control. No routine blood work for STDs. I had to request it – and do – as a responsible adult.

• Do these statistics concern you?
• Given the number of divorced adults over 40, shouldn’t condom use and routine testing be the norm?
• As women, are we embarrassed to buy condoms? To insist on their usage?
• How do you feel about providing them for your teens – just in case?

© D A Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

Relationship Style: Selfish or Self-Interested?

It was a delicious surprise. Receiving a lovely bonjour in the mail from an old flame – a Parisian paramour who remains in touch years after our relationship. I admit, it’s the French men in my life who seem to genuinely enjoy women as friends, even when a love affair has ended. And this appreciation is certainly reciprocal; I adore men who adore women.

As for sustaining a relationship post amorous end-of-the-line, it’s easy – as long as the foundation is strong and caring. So where am I going with this? Just one more reason that French men are irresistible?

Beginnings

In my experience, successful romantic relationships require a core of common values, a willingness to truly listen to each other, a sense of humor, and time.

Whirlwind affairs? Sure, they’re exciting. But if you want your connection to endure, it needs to build from a slow simmer to a sustainable flame. That takes knowing each other – really knowing each other, which takes time.

From sizzle to drizzle

Now come on. I’m not saying that a dash of dashing isn’t essential alchemy. Attraction may be present from the outset, or it may grow as you get to know the person you’re with. Sex is more important for some of us than others, but certainly we can agree that intimacy – a natural outgrowth of physical connection – is essential to a flourishing relationship.

Anyone who has lived the demise of marriage or a long term relationship will acknowledge the importance of sexuality. When the couple begins losing steam, dwindling physical engagement is generally cause or effect in the complex puzzle of relationship.

Back on point, “Very much a man”

Having heard from my former amour, I find myself pondering the elements of our post-love relationship. One that continues to be important to both of us. And what I find is an intriguing absence of selfishness, though we each gain from continuing our transcontinental friendship, and in a variety of ways.

As for the gentleman in question, I would term him self-interested but generous – with his time, his attention, and of course, in bed. He is very much a man, and I’ll sum that up as follows: He speaks his mind, he doesn’t compromise what matters most to him, and he takes care of his own needs – personally, professionally, and sexually. He also takes his responsibilities seriously.

And yes of course, he knows his way around a woman’s terrains and is the enthusiastic recipient of equal exploration.

Selfishness and self-Interest

Can we talk about selfishness for a moment?

Charismatic men often come with a sizeable portion of selfishness, and personally, it’s something I don’t abide. It’s also not a quality I aspire to possess. It may get you more creature comforts in the short term, but I want to be able to look myself in the mirror, and like the woman I see. Ditto, when it comes to the man who captures my heart.

Selfishness, by definition:

excessive or exclusive concern with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

In contrast, we have self-interest, by definition:

a concern for one’s own advantage and well-being; one’s own interest or advantage

I don’t care for selfish men, or selfish women for that matter – those who put their interests first, consistently and excessively. But I respect those who possess a healthy self-interest, often bringing more to the table – romantically and otherwise – including their capacity to give.

Character and chemistry

With media mired in a mountain of “mean girl” activity, it seems we’re bombarded by dreadful models of behavior – and from every age group. Unacceptable behavior, in my opinion. In fact, I wonder why anyone considers some of the rude, screaming, and self-indulgent women on Reality TV entertainment-worthy.

Whatever happened to manners? To the magical mix of chemistry and substance? Have we ceased to celebrate character and quality – to sing their praises, tell their stories, and offer up their examples?

For all the time we spend writing on relationships – how to find them, how to ascertain if they’re “good” or “good enough,” how to keep them, how to keep them hot, how to leave them, and how to start again – is anyone writing about how to deepen them? How to get to know the individual inside the beautiful body or behind the boyish grin?

Bad Boy, Good Guy

I consider myself to be a confident woman, and a feminine one. I’m certainly not “every man’s” cup of tea. Nor do I wish to be. I am attracted to men who genuinely love women, and who are unafraid of our complexity – men who know themselves, who pursue their passions, and do so without sacrificing character or honor.

Does this mean I don’t love a touch of Bad Boy in my Good Guy? Hardly. Nor do I reject the reality that a ripped torso and twinkling eyes make me weak in the knees. Who isn’t susceptible to a little sizzle in their seduction? But shouldn’t we also be looking for the personal qualities in a partner to keep the relationship healthy and growing? Isn’t that a matter of going deeper, beyond selfishness and superficiality?

© D. A. Wolf / Big Little Wolf

D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

Sure, every relationship is going to experience the joys of good days and the annoyance of bad days. It’s when you start experiencing too many bad days and forget what it was like to be happy, that you start to think that it may be time to take another look your relationship.

While breaking up is hardly easy, if you find yourself thinking about it more often than not, it’s probably time to end it with what you thought was Mr. Right. Holding on to a relationship can be harmful to both parties, and will only become worse with time. Here are some signs to let you know it’s probably time to kick him to the curb:

1. You’re Not on the Same Page: It’s possible that the two of you are seeing things on a different level and don’t want the same things anymore. This is something that definitely needs to be shared and talked through. Pick a good time and place to talk and be completely honest. If the relationship is becoming serious, and you don’t have the same goals in life, or your partner treats the relationship casual, while you feel it is going to something more serious, it is best to cut ties.
2. Constantly Pulling the Disappearing Act: If you spend more time alone or with your friends than you do with him, it may be a sign that things are going south quick. If he is constantly jumping into the next room to check or answer the phone, it may be a sign the relationship is over. The same applies for email, texts, and him finding the need to be top secret with his or her life. If he would rather spend his time with friends and other people on a regular basis, you need to end things. There will obviously be times when he has other plans or has something else going on, but if you constantly find yourself hanging out alone, and sad and lonely about it, it is just not worth your pain to hold on- send him packing.
3. You’re Unhappy: You should always take your feelings and instincts to heart. If you are unhappy and your partner does not show the least bit interest in your feelings, then that he is simply not worth your time. Being in a relationship means that the two of you are supposed to be a team, communicate with each other, and make each other happy. If you feel your unhappiness is being caused by him, then it is probably a sign that you need to continue on without this person in your life.
4. That Feeling is Gone: There will be days when one or both of you is having a bad day and things may seem a little off, that’s pretty normal. However, if things have changed by a day and night comparison, it’s probably a sign that one or both of you isn’t feeling it anymore. If you feel like you are constantly annoyed or disappointed in the action’s exercised by him, keep a close eye out for this. Finding yourself thinking about happier days and the days when he acted in a nice and loving manner, could certainly be a sign that it is time to let go of the relationship.
5. There is no Trust : There are few, if any, things more important in a relationship than trust. If there is a lack of trust in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before it kills the relationship. If you find yourself constantly wondering if he is lying about something, hiding something, or doing something you would not approve of, it will continue to cause problems down the road. If he gives you a reason to be suspicious and question your trust, chances are it is for a good reason. Not having trust in a relationship will cause small and frequent arguments, which are not worth it because trust is hard to earn back, and it will eventually tear the relationship apart. Do yourself a favor and end a relationship when trust is not present, you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor.

Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike. But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?

The Passive Aggressive Man…

1. Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withhold something he knows you want?
2. Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.
3. Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing, in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is after all his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you. He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman who expects too much from him.
4. Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare from something in a few hours that would normally take days.
5. Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue then distance himself.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom. The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship.  He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy.  All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

More About Passive Aggressive Behavior in Men:

Setting Limits and Boundaries With The Passive Aggressive Man

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Recommended reading:
Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom