Let’s start with the SEEMINGLY most humiliating situation: if he left us for another woman. The most important thing to know about this particular situation is that it didn’t happen because we’re not good enough or pretty enough, or anything! Quite simply we have to digest, however hard it might be, that the story is not about us, we aren’t event participants of the events. The possible greatest mistake is to think that we were left behind because we were incapable of coping with a relationship. It simply happens so because, on the one hand that’s life – imagine if your previous relationships hadn’t come to an end and you should still be with the same guy as five or ten years ago – few better tragedies could happen to us.

Or because we outgrew the framework of the relationship, we need new people, new experiences – but unfortunately human nature tends to be reluctant to change well-established things and we rather sit in a bad relationship than voluntarily accept singe-life.

Or quite simply we don’t gain anything from our relationship anymore and the other person is willing to take up the role of the form-breaking, ungrateful relationship-breaker, who files for divorce.

A break-up can be about a lot of things, however certainly NOT about one thing, our incapability!

If our partner falls in love with another woman, he expresses it to the least extent that there is something wrong with us, since we are not even part of this story. In this case, the man, as a sentimental human being falls in love with someone, just as he did some time before with us…

In reverse positions, the whole situation doesn’t look so bad, does it? If you think about it, when you fell in love with somebody else, honestly, innocently, you can see that your current partner couldn’t do anything about that, we saw someone whose smell, intimacy and smile was irresistible. He had nothing to do with the story; it was about us and our new love. It wasn’t he who changed, but we, WE fell in love! This was completely independent from our current partner, since nobody is vaccinated against love, neither he, nor we! Life is about change, about our internal changes, about the never-ending cycles of the world that surrounds us, as they say: we have our ups and downs… What could be more real? It is an inherent nature of a healthy and authentic life that we cannot be constantly at the top, cannot always succeed in everything as we planned, and that we are able to accept changes and adapt to them.

Becoming single is one of the most dynamic and exciting points of a relationship. Because at that moment we have ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES to choose who we fall in love with – in contrast to the situation when we live in a relationship or a marriage, where our love “object” is kind of given. The only problem is – as my Buddhist philosopher of religions-self would say – that in this situation, experienced as a crisis, we only see one thing that the relationship has ended. According to Buddha, our conscious is space-like, that is to say infinite; and infinity provides us with infinite creativity and possibilities every moment. Provided we are able to look away from the fact that suddenly we became single or divorced and what a terrible thing it is, and let the rest of the world reveal itself for us, and we discover how incredibly lucky we are.

I don’t deny that on my part I mostly considered all of my break-ups as the end of the world. I cried out my eyes, tired my best girlfriends to death with the most beautiful moments of my passing-away love (which I had had told them million times before), stuffed myself with cakes (here we go, not only the end of the world, but I even put on few pounds on the top of the crisis), or I could not eat a bite and scared everybody with the external and internal signs of exhaustion… So I did many things that I neither enjoyed, nor did it take me forward, nor resolved my situation and above all did not promise better prospects…

Then, in the next situation, where for some reason, I forgot about the spiritual torture and self-pity, that I’ve obligatorily prescribed for myself, I was able to see how many things exist in the world apart from my GREAT and UNSOLVABLE problem!

Suddenly I began to wonder what to do with so much free time and empty space that was generated in my life. Of course, first of all I thoroughly mourned the programs, which had formed an integral part of my life. But then I realized that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things I’ve neglected in the past because the relationship used up all of my time, energy, attention. And it was time to give all of these to someone who deserves them the most: myself!

A very wise woman and friend of mine once shared the secret to her happy marriage.  She said something like this, “Every morning I wake up and fall in love with the man who is beside me.  It’s not the same man I went to sleep with.  For each day, he has grown and changed and it’s my job to recognize him for who he is today, and not to dwell on who he was yesterday. ”

Wow, I’d never heard any relationship advice like that before, and it really made me think about what she was saying.  Each day, she is releasing all the old complaints, problems, annoyances, etc. and is waking up with a clean slate.  Each morning, she is looking at her husband with fresh eyes, to see how he is choosing to express his authentic self today, what aspects of him she might not have noticed before, how he’s grown and changed…

Another happily married friend reminded me recently that there is a powerful second aspect to this relationship advice — and that is to see the divinity within your partner, in other words to look for what is good in him, focus on his best qualities and traits, enjoy and celebrate his wonderfulness.  And to do this each day, with new eyes, looking for his greatest self and really seeing him.

Now here’s the catch:  While it’s possible that this might work if only one person in the relationship does it, it’s not likely.  As you can imagine, it takes both partners opening up each day to the wonder and newness of their spouse/mate, for this to be truly effective.

Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote in the lyrics to Cinderella, “Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?”  For most people, they fall in love initially because they see the obvious beauty (internal and external) of the other.  And likewise, for most people, they have trouble maintaining that level of enrapturement for their partner over time, simply because they choose to stop seeing that beauty.  (Note: this isn’t always a conscious choice, but it is a choice, nevertheless.)

When you commit to love someone, commit also to focus upon and see their authentic self, their inner beauty, and to really notice who they are becoming (rather than stagnantly seeing who they were when you first met).  When both partners do this every morning, day in and day out, you will see magical transformations occurring in your relationship.

Charles R. Brown said, “The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow.”  What awesome colors are you seeing reflected from your loved one today?

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

View all posts by EliseOnLife →

Most of you are working on personal change –so you are aware of areas you wish to grow in and are actively becoming your best self.  As such, you’ve experienced how change can sometimes take longer than you think, can come about in a different way than you anticipated, and how it can sometimes feel like a stop-n-start activity (with times when you’re progressing and other times when you feel stuck or like you’ve relapsed).

Knowing how much focus and effort it takes to change yourself, why would anyone undertake the task of changing another?!  And yet, in the US society, women are typically led to believe that if they can just find a good man, they can then change him into ‘Mr. Right’.

Paradoxically, the typical US man believes that the woman will always remain just the way she was when he met her (that she’ll never change).  So when she grows and changes, he wants her to go back to the way she was when they met.

She tries to make him change, and he tries to make her not change.  As you can predict, both of these scenarios are doomed to fail.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen this far too often.

So what’s the cure for this disease?  It comes down to two things:

1) love your partner unconditionally — in other words love them for who they are right now (not for who they could be or who they used to be), and

2) spend your energy working on yourself and let your partner do the same (it’s not your place to make suggestions of things your partner could work on).

When you meet someone and are dating, take the time to really get to know that person well.  Meet their friends (recent and long-time), get to know their family, meet their co-workers, and be certain to share lots of mundane, everyday experiences together so you can tell how this person really is in the world.

Date for a while; don’t rush into anything.  It’s really important that you know all aspects of your partner (and vice versa) BEFORE you commit to each other.  By doing this, you will be able to unconditionally love and accept your partner for who they are, in their entirety.  And that is the key to a happy relationship — truly seeing, knowing, accepting and loving everything about the other.

Another helpful technique is to stop thinking that your way is the right way.  Instead, shift your thinking to “there is no one right way; every way has validity”.  When you make this shift, you won’t be inclined to insist that others do things your way, and you’ll be more receptive to learning new ways of doing things and seeing things.  In other words, you’ll have an open mind.

As Colonel Potter said on M*A*S*H, “Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.”

If you want to change the world, change yourself.  For that is the one place you have any influence.  And the change you make in yourself will impact others in many seen and unseen ways.

Trying to change another is futile, but working to change yourself is miraculous!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

View all posts by EliseOnLife →

Since divorcing two years ago, I’ve questioned (and doubted) this thing called True Love.  I mean, we hear about it, read about, and watch it in the movies.  But is there really such a thing a ‘THE One’  for everyone?  Or is it something that very few are destined to have?

Sometimes I think there are hundreds, if not thousands, of men on Earth that I could be ‘happy with.’  The way I see it, if you set up a life with someone and have friendship and respect, you would become attached and feel ‘love ‘ for him.  Will the ‘Earth move’ and fireworks go off with him/her?  Probably not.  But over ‘Time,’ maybe the friendship and ‘decency’ factors outweigh the value of sparks and this rumored ‘soul connection.’

What if we were to be more practical when it camesto choosing a partner?   What if we based our selection on a list of qualitiese we most like/admire in a man, and then allowed ‘Time’ to take care of the deepening?  This list would include his core values (SUPER important), some similar interests/hobbies, and a few physical attributes of importance (ie, he’s fit, bald, thick penis, whatever).  NOW - mix that all up and throw it across the table - cause in a way, we ARE gambling here.  What are the odds of us sharing a good, fulfilling lifetime with this person?

Now compare that to what most of us do: we seek this ‘True Love’ thing and follow our hearts.  We look for that magic, that beauty, that ‘feeling’ like no other.  We think we’ve found it. We believe the gods have smiled on us, sent us The One.  We get married, maybe have a child or two, and set up all the trimming of the family dream.

But oftentimes,it’s not till we’re five or ten years in that we realize we don’t share the same interests with our spouse.  Perhaps our core values are even mismatched.  Sex dies.  Each person does his/her own thing more often that not.  And next thing you know, we’re either drowning in an unhappy marriage, someone’s having an affair or a divorce is underway.

I know I’m being very unromantic.  Maybe I’m diminishing the most beautiful of things, True Love, by applying my brain to Heart & Soul Territory.  But what person who divorces doesn’t question True Love?  Especially when it involved betrayal and her heart being broken?

I DO know couples who have the Real Thing – True Love in all its glory.  So I know it’s out there, it IS possible. But again, is it possible for everyone?  Or the lucky or destined few? If I’m not to be one of the chosen few who experience it in this life, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, looking for something that isn’t to be mine.  Maybe choosing friendship and decency and strong values (and a thick penis *wink) over The Magic truly is the most sensible and fulfilling choice to make.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Sexual Adventure: Less Than A Bump & A Grind

Friends in Need: Supporting Those We Love

To Tell Or Not To Tell – About His Affairs

I gave birth to three kids in three years and I can honestly say their early years were a blur to me; life was INSANE.  And since divorcing I’ve sworn I wouldn’t have another child.  “This body now belongs to ME,” I’ve joked with my girlfriends. 

The other day, however, a girlfriend asked me, “Then why don’t you get fixed if you know you don’t want more?  Especially since you’re so fertile.  You don’t want any ’accidents.’”

At first, I chalked it down to respecting my body – no more ‘operations,’ thanks very much.  Between pregnancy and birth, I think it’s been through enough. 

But then I seriously asked myself:  Would I ever consider having another child?  If I fell in love with a man and it was THAT important to him, might I WANT to carry his child?

Up to this point post-divorce, I’ve focused on the many reasons why I wouldn’t want another child.  For example:

• I want to focus on my career
• I need to focus on the three kids I have
• I don’t want to go back to the sleepless nights and whining and crying
• I want to own my own body

But as I mentioned in my previous article, my mindset has started to shift somewhat – I’m opening to the idea of another serious relationship.  And with that, come long-lost feelings of sharing and depth and family…all those things that once meant so much to me when I was married.

But am I selfless enough to make the many sacrifices that come with creating and caring for another child?  Or would I stick to Plan A and make the next decade all about me and the kids I already have? 

….

I really don’t know…

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com