Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

The picture that society has painted of step-moms is evil, ugly, rotten and very sad. According to Cinderella and other stories with stepmothers, these women only love their biological children and they are incredibly mean or they are young attractive women that the ex left the older mom for and therefore she must be a horrid woman who cares nothing about the well being of children, right?

The truth is step-moms are not these terrible women who are horrible to their stepchildren and only kind to their “real” children. Nor are they women who move in on the ex-husband like prey and plan their every move just to make the biological mother crazy.

Sad really how the world of television and movies has warped the reality of a step-mom and her role in the children’s lives. I don’t know about you but I was not aware that a step-mom could not love her step-children as much as she loves her own children. What makes the children not born to her any less real or lovable?

When a mother adopts a baby she did not carry in her womb, does that mean she loves them less? Or how about a foster mom that takes in children to care for them when their “real” parents aren’t able, is she not respected and able to love those kids. I find it amazing how we accept other roles like adoptive moms and foster moms but the stepmom is something evil and looked down upon.

I think it all stems from biological mothers who think no one could care for their child the way they do. On top of the fact that these same mothers are usually angry and bitter from a divorce which they did not want or did not like how it ended. Mix in a new woman who the real mother does not like, is jealous of, or resents from some unknown reason and the creation of the evil stepmother is born.

Before you get all worked up and tell me that I have no idea what it is like to have another woman taking care of your children, you should know I am very well versed in the term stepmom and the role she has in a family.  Not only am I the biological mother to two children (who have a stepmother in their life), I am the stepmom to two, and I also have a mother and stepmother. So to say the least, I have quite a bit of experience in all aspects of the stepmom.

That being said, I can related to those of you who have a new woman in your life that is now caring for your children half of the time or at least part of the time, and I know it can be hard at first. The adjustment to not only being away from your children for a given period of time but also having to accept a new woman in their lives can be very challenging. I love my children and I hate when they are not in my home, but there is a reality I have had to accept.

A reality that now includes a step-mom as well as rules, decisions, and general life that does not include me. This is a sacrifice that I had to make in order to improve life for both me and my children. I’m sorry but I will never, ever buy into the belief that many women (and some men) have that you should remain in a marriage that you no longer wish to be a part of. I firmly believe that doing so has drastically more adverse effects on the children than divorce ever could. I personally know a couple that has been what I refer to as “unhappily married” for over 43 years and their adult children are some of the most maladjusted humans that I know.

I am not the angry divorcee that is mentioned previously and even though I brought the divorce on myself and wanted out, that didn’t mean I was looking forward to sharing my children with anyone let alone another woman. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning.

At first when this woman came into my children’s lives, I thought it would be like it always was–I was their mother and I had the last word. Just like when my ex was not married, I would tell him what I thought was right or wrong and he would either agree or disagree but ultimately I was still able to exert my control regarding my children in his home. Now there is another mom involved and she gets the say in her home.

This is as it should be, as I would never want anyone thinking they could tell me how to do things in my own home. Letting go of that control and realizing that just because I am the biological mother does not mean I get to have any input into my ex’s new family was a little tough at first. Although I did not agree at first, my ex and his wife made it clear that whether they agree with me or not it was ultimately their home and they would do as they saw fit. Frustrating as that is, it is true and I have gracefully come to terms with that.

Then there is the fact that my children have days where they love their stepmom and they have a great time and other days where they whine and complain and tell me how awful she is. I am the adult so I have to remember that they are children and their perceptions of things are a little skewed. You know what I mean–maybe she ruins one meal and now she is the world’s worst cook.

Also children feed off of their own mother, if they feel that it makes their mom happy to say bad things about the stepmom then they will come up with all kinds of terrible stories in order to make their mom feel better. It is completely understandable at young ages to tell either parent what they think you want to hear in an innocent effort to please, even though what they may think you want to hear is not what you want to hear at all.

All of this can be so hard to balance. You want your children to be happy when they are with you and when they are away. However, there is always a little jealousy of things you miss out on or don’t get to experience with your children so you really don’t want to hear about how much fun they had with their step-mom.

For me, I have decided that I just want my kids to be happy and that includes when away from me. So for them to be happy, I have chosen to encourage their relationship with their step-mom. Like it or not, she is the mom in their other house and in that family. I would rather be a little jealous or sad (without showing my children) and have my kids happy and flourishing in their other home then see them sad and complaining just to make me happy.

So when they return to my home and begin to share the good and the bad, I listen to the good and engage them in those conversations but if the topic turns bad I generally redirect them so that they realize those topics do not please me. Interestingly since I began that, my two don’t say very many bad things about their step-mom. Nowadays I have to assume that they are doing quite well if the only thing they complain about is the occasional bad cooking.

Ultimately, we all just want what is best for our children. Although I do not agree with my children’s step-mom on several things, that does not make her role any less important to my children. I also have to realize that even though I am their mother, she is their step-mom and they have a new family. Also she is married to my children’s father. As a man he cannot always experience the same things as a woman. So although I may feel like she is doing things with my children that I should be doing, what makes me think that their father is not experiencing that moment through his wife.

For example, maybe he is not the best baker and she enjoys baking cookies, isn’t it possible that seeing his children in the kitchen cooking with her is special and important to him. Sorry moms, but we all do it, we tend to think that our feelings as a mother are more important then the feelings of the father, and that is just plain wrong. I am guilty of it too, although I am trying to better myself and see that his feelings are valid whether I agree with them or not.

The bottom line here involves our children–they have two parents plus some and all parties involved are equally important, no matter whose womb the child came from. All of us moms need to accept the step-mom and stop looking for the evil stepmother from Cinderella. That is only fair for the children.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips For Divorced Parents

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

For more advice on being a divorced father, take a look at this excellent book – written by fathers for fathers.

Being a stepparent is tough.  Really tough. You want to keep your spouse happy, their kids happy, your kids happy (if you have some biological kids) and usually anyone else that comes within three feet of you happy. Admit it… you’re the one in the family that’s taking care of everyone – except yourself.

If you keep running and running, making sure that the whole world is happy and forget yourself, you are going to burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself.

Time to Relax

How do you unwind from a busy day? Is it by taking a bath, reading a favorite novel, drinking a cup of herbal tea or a glass of red wine? Do you loosen up after a workout at the gym or a walk through the neighborhood? If you are saying to yourself that you don’t have time for these things, you’re wrong. You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Even if you have to write them on your “to do” list, just do it.

Time to Rejuvenate

What gives you strength? Is it talking on the phone to a friend, going to a funny movie, or shopping at the mall? Figure out what activities you truly enjoy doing and make time to do these things, too. Figure out a time, at least 1-2 times a month, to schedule something special just for you.

Time for Respect

If you are always the one saying, “Go ahead, I’ll clean up” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t want any, you can have a second helping” or “You can have this seat.   I can see if I turn my head, at an angle, around the really tall man in front of us”…  How can others respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

At birthdays, when your family asks, “What can we get you?” – think about it, and give them a thoughtful list. You are a precious, unique person. Treat yourself that way!  Do you want your daughter or son to treat themselves as someone who always comes in last place, gives up the good seats, the last bite of special food? No, of course not.

Time to Remember

Create a box, drawer or file to keep remembrances. Put cards (birthday, mother’s day, anniversary, thank-you notes) – anything you receive into this box.  If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your remembrance box.  Periodically, go through your box and read these compliments and praises.

Time for Yourself

You’re worth it!  Make time for yourself. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, soul and body.  Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

“How could I have been replaced so quickly!” my friend Beth wondered.

We were discussing her husband’s soon-to-be new wife; she felt shock and disbelief as to how he could find a new “serious” partner so soon after their divorce.

Our ex-spouses’ new partners was the focus of discussion one afternoon with my friends and I, while keeping Beth company. Her children were out—at their father’s (and Beth’s ex-husband’s) wedding.

While none of us were jealous or angry about our ex’s new partners, we all certainly had different feelings about the matter.

Mary, the introspective one in the group, had a very objective opinion. She was happy for her ex’s new union and actually felt “lucky.” Her reasons were practical: “I didn’t think that my ex could handle the kids on his own, his girlfriend is a nice person and is good to the kids.”

Trying to see the positive

Mary looked at it as a bonus because she saw it as another pair of hands who could be nurturing and positively influence the father of her children to be a better role model.

While Beth wanted out of her marriage, she did feel a little sad. Yes, she admitted, the new woman was kind and nice too – but she felt cheated.  This new woman had something that she didn’t – a lifestyle of “not having to work and being looked after.”

Jan Tanzer, a marriage and family therapist in Toronto, agrees that the emotions experienced when your ex has a new partner are wide ranging.

“Some people feel relieved when their ex has a new partner and it isn’t always difficult for them to accept this.” Nor is it always about being replaced. But, what people need to look at are their own personal issues and how this can affect other relationships.

Tanzer advises that you evaluate what you were missing in your marriage as a way of moving on and dealing with your mixed emotions. If you find it difficult to accept that your ex has a new partner, you need to look inward and determine what you really need in a relationship.

Here are the top 5 things to consider when working through the emotions of coping with your ex moving on and finding a new partner:

Be introspective
Speak with a coach or therapist to gain an understanding of your own relationship issues. Seek to avoid repeating the same relationship patterns. For example, are you constantly attracted to the same personality type that doesn’t work for you long term?

Figure out what you need in a relationship
Make a list of qualities you want in a partner. What qualities are deal breakers and what can you live with? Be honest with yourself.

Develop self awareness
Think of the work you need to do yourself to attract the type of partner you are looking for.

Develop objectivity
If you are feeling jealous, hurt, angry and so on, try to reframe your thinking. If your ex spouse wasn’t right for you, isn’t it better that you find someone who is?

Put your children’s best interests first
Your feelings about this relationship will affect your children. If you are finding it difficult to deal with, ensure that you don’t ask your children too many questions or discuss your concerns about this new partner. Work your feelings through with a neutral third person.

People have different emotions and experiences when disentangling from a former spouse. Some are saddened by the loss of the person with whom they had hoped to spend the rest of their life. Others are thrilled to finally be apart. The range of emotions are equally dramatic when your spouse finds a new partner—whether or not you are into a new relationship too. For some, it opens up new wounds and for others, it just makes them pause and reflect.

© More.ca

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com.

Have you ever sat down, the week before Thanksgiving, and realized that no one talked about visitation?  You don’t know who’s staying with whom or what days you are celebrating holidays…it’s just crazy to not plan ahead!

Coordinating the Schedules

Planning your calendar makes life easier for everyone.  If you’ve remarried, and your ex-spouse has remarried, (and the people they remarried were married before) your schedule can effect up to five different families!  Your children also need to know where they are, on different weekends, so that there is stability in their lives.

I hope you have already determined the holiday visitation schedule when you completed a separation agreement.  If not, common agreements include that the dad will have the kids over Christmas on even ending years, and the mom will have them on odd ending years.  Children transition to the other home Christmas afternoon, evening, or the next day.  Other holidays are decided the same (with the even/odd year schedule.)  Example:  If Dad has the kids on the even ending years, then he will have them on the odd ending years during Thanksgiving and Spring break.

Mode of Transportation

Check your calendar and start figuring out how to transport your child to your ex’s house.  Will they travel by car, train, or airplane?  Amtrak and the airlines provide special services for the unaccompanied child, but you must state that your child is traveling alone when you make the reservation.  Reservations made earlier will get you a better rate than waiting until weeks before your child’s visit.

Communicate with your ex-spouse before making any final arrangements.  Make sure you give them at least several weeks (to talk with the other families) to confirm the dates and travel plans.

Getting Your Child Organized

It’s helpful to give your child his or her own personal calendar with the visitation dates clearly marked.  Having a large calendar in the kitchen, with each child a different color, will also help coordinate your family.  If your child knows their schedule, it will give him or her a sense of continuity and stability.  They can look at their own calendar anytime they are unsure about when the next visit to Mom or Dad’s house will be.

Clothes

Start marking their clothes if your child is visiting a house with other children in a blended family that are the same size and gender. Marking their initials on the insides of clothing will mean your child comes home with his or her own clothes and not the wardrobe of a child that’s not yours!  We’ve had a child come home with size 3 Batman underwear (he’s 16 and as big as an adult!) and also “lose” half his blue jeans, over the holidays.  Mark their initials on all their clothes.  It’s also helpful to include a list of all clothes that are being sent.  If the noncustodial parent (or their spouse) does laundry, they will have a checklist to make sure everything goes back home.

Does everything still fit?  Children grow constantly, and you don’t want to send your child to a noncustodial parent’s house with clothes or shoes that are too short or small.  Does your child have enough underwear and socks for a week without laundry?  You may want to discuss with your ex-spouse if your child’s clothes can be washed during their visit.

Proper Luggage

Check your child’s luggage. Are their any wears or tears that will not be good for travel?  Children may not mention little holes in luggage, but with the ruggedness of travel, you can lose a lot of precious valuables through a little hole!  Follow the sales in the local papers, and you can pick up a large set of luggage inexpensively.  Make sure you also purchase luggage tags, so that your child’s name and address is marked on each piece of his or her luggage.

Medicine and Vitamins

Do you need medicine containers to transport medicine?  Make sure you also send instructions to the noncustodial parent, on how to administer the medicine.  Also, talk with your child about being responsible for taking their vitamins and medicine daily.

If you plan ahead and stay organized, the scheduling of your child’s holiday visitation will go more smoothly.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

A Blended Family Mom asks:

We can’t plan our holidays because my husband’s ex-spouse keeps changing the visitation schedule.  We want to plan a vacation with all of our kids, but we can’t do it, unless we get definite visitation dates from my husband’s ex.   My husband usually just let’s his ex-spouse change the schedule whenever she wants and he doesn’t confront her. I don’t think I should have to issue ultimatums or direct my partner on how he deals with his ex-spouse, but I also realize that this is impacting my attempts at a successful blended family. I have had this same discussion with him and though he agrees, I see few attempts on his part to change his communications with his ex-spouse.  Any advice for us?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

A visitation agreement is put into place for a reason- to keep these kinds of disagreements and inconveniences from happening.  I know you don’t want to give your husband ultimatums, but you can educate him on how his inactivity effects your family and your marriage. 

Ask your husband if he supports you or his ex-wife more. I’m sure his immediate answer will be “You, of course.”  Then, explain how his inactivity favors his ex-spouse.  By letting his ex take advantage of the visitation schedule, repeatedly, he is putting you and your blended family in last place.  Hopefully, after discussing this, he will realize it’s time to take a stand.

He should then inform his ex-wife that you will now follow the visitation agreement exactly.  You can add some accommodations by allow changes among all parties if over ____ days notice are given, or unless it’s an emergency.   Being willing to work together on the visitation is fine, but if one party is constantly changing the schedule, especially at the last minute- it’s time to take a stand and communicate your expectations. Also read Chapter Nine of Blended Family Advice.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

1.  You ask your husband to choose between you and his kids. 

You see the kids as competition and you’re determined to win.

2.  You don’t know much about your stepkids

You spend all of your time focusing on your own kids and your new husband and don’t see the need to get to know your step kids

3.  You ask your husband to take you out to dinner on his child’s birthday, and tell him to celebrate the kid’s birthday on another day.

4.  You don’t recognize the step kid’s birthdays or any other special events in their lives.

5.  You treat your kids better than his kids

 You make sure your children have everything that they need and let their biological mom figure out what her own kids need.

6.  You interrupt your husband when he’s on the phone with his kids

What could he possibly be talking about that’s more important than you?

7.  You let his kids figure out on their own, where to sleep, and put their stuff, when they visit their Dad.

After all, the beds in the house are for the ones who live here full time, right? 

8.  You have different house rules for your kids then for his kids.

 9.  You don’t let your step kids bring friends into your house.

 10. You don’t let your step children spend any time alone with their Dad when they come to visit.

All kidding aside, being a step mom is one of the toughest jobs in the world.  When you marry a man with kids, you commit to love and care for his kids as if they were your own.  The kids don’t usually appreciate a new stepparent and will not appreciate your efforts for some time (sometimes they never acknowledge the positive impact you have had on their lives.)

Stepparents are not in competition with the kids, although many people feel that way.  The love an adult has for his/her spouse is different than the love they have for their children.  There is enough love to go around, to everyone, without anyone suffering.  Creating and maintaining house rules, and keeping the marriage the center of the family are key issues in a stable, loving environment for the kids.

Talking with your step kids about their interests and hobbies will build rapport with them.  Celebrating their birthdays, special school events, or any holiday is a wonderful opportunity to bond your stepfamily and create memories of this new family.

Providing them with a private place to keep their things, when they visit their Dad, is also important.  A private bedroom is not necessary (although ideal.)  However, you need to give each child a secure place to put their things, and a place to hang out when they are in your home.

Although you want to spend time as a blended family, it’s a good idea to give your husband some individual time with this children when they come to visit.  Spend this time with your kids, or doing something for yourself.  Your step kids will appreciate this time and also feel more comfortable in the blended family times.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

When Hollywood superstar Sandra Bullock married TV celebrity Jesse James, she took on the most challenging part of her life – not just his wife, but stepmother to his five-year-old daughter Sunny.

Fresh from playing a reluctant romantic partner in The Proposal, Bullock jumped into her reality role with complete commitment, slowing her career, facing down a trouble-prone ex-wife, comforting a stressed-out husband, connecting with James’ two other children in an instant blended family, and by her own admission, putting personal motherhood plans on hold for Sunny’s benefit.

But even without these complications, stepping into a pre-existing family condition is still an awkward and precarious fit for any new spouse. The stepmother is probably the least-defined role in the contemporary family structure (though well-defined in the movies as an evil, manipulative agent of interference).

A stepmom is a parent, yet not the parent. A caregiver but not always a care-getter. She donates considerable time, space, attention, resources, and family income to people from another life. She has not only willingly opened her private life to the one she loves, but allowed it to be invaded by needy, willful, attachments with whom she has no biological, legal, or dependent connection.

And what does the stepmom get for her trouble (while the woman from another life gets a regular alimony check)? Probably not as much as she deserves — certainly less than she imagined when she first considered her romantic future.

This is not to say that stepmoms are miserable and masochistic. Often they dearly love the children brought into their lives. But her needs are too frequently overshadowed by those of her husband. She is there for him. She is there for the kids. But who’s there for her, and is it enough?

In my experience as a remarried father, I’ve identified six things dads with children need to realize they owe the new loves in their lives. I’m recommending them directly to dads in the hope that it will help them A.C.C.E.P.T. their partner’s needs alongside their own.

1. Appreciation:  As a divorced dad, you may feel you’re the one being pulled, stretched, and needed — and you undoubtedly are. But consider the stepmother: Her life has been invaded by forces she agreed to but never signed up for. Like you, she is physically anchored to your children. Being with you means she cannot pick up her life and move somewhere else. Being with you means sharing an income with your last partner. Being with you means relinquishing more privacy than she ever thought she’d have to give up.

2. Commitment: That ring on your finger says nothing about children, but too many couples let parenthood absorb and flatten their marriages, wounding and sometimes killing it. Regardless of the status of your dadhood, your wife deserves a full-time partner who is unequivocally committed to the one-on-one relationship. For that matter, so do you. Being committed means doing everything you can to protect and preserve your marriage.

3. Compassion: Compassion means knowing your children bring their joyous, funny, wonderfully curious life-force to your wife’s world… but also their germs, dirty dishes, sleeplessness, and incessant noise. They leave raisins and Apple Jacks in between couch cushions, toilet seats up, and toothpaste on the sink. Your wife’s formerly pristine car is now a repository for used tissues, melted lip balms, sippy cups, library books, random toys, and bulky car seats. Compassion means knowing your wife pays a price for devoting herself to you, and making sure she gets a return on that investment.

4. Empathy: You may know what to say about your ex in front of your new wife (hint: NOTHING), but your children don’t see those boundaries. They will constantly compare your wife to their mother — hairstyle to hairstyle, cupcakes to cupcakes, jokes to jokes — a constant reminder that while your wife may love your children, she will never in fact be their mother. A spontaneous gift now and then will show you’re paying attention. But listening, understanding, and not defending yourself when she expresses frustration is infinitely more valuable.

5. Patience:  Your wife will have moments of understanding and willing sacrifice, and other moments of impatience and deep frustration. Be patient and have faith that any love you offer her, especially when she’s down, will be returned to you in time. In a solid relationship, love is a default state.

6. Time:  Children gobble up time like they do M&Ms. But make sure their appetite doesn’t consume too much one-on-one time with your partner. Whether you book it in advance or create it spontaneously, your time is the best thing you can give your wife, especially when you have children in the house otherwise demanding it.

Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning humor/personal essayist and screenwriter, author of “The 40-Year-Old Version”, and happy husband to a wonderful wife and stepmother. His work has appeared in Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, New Jersey Monthly, The New York Post, The New York Daily News, The Star Ledger, Babble.com, and in the flimsy pages of regional parenting magazines around the country.

Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?

Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?

Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?

If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing?  Well – yes and no.  It’s great that you love your kids – no problem with that.  It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy – that’s O.K. too.  But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time?  Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes

You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation.  You can’t please your child(ren) all the time.  If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too – but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE, attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend.  Will it ever satisfy them?  Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?

Children need love, belonging and recognition.  They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life.  How do you show them?  By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands.  Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities.  It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus.  Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life.  Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you – it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?

Right now, it’s your child(ren.)  They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend.  They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you.  Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her.  By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?

You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.)  The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial.  Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook.  Children need their father – a male role model in their lives.   Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.)  When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage – not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs because that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion

As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.”  Just a hint: if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad.  As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck”  In other words, don’t deny it -  it’s time for change.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.