Tara looks amazing at age 40.  Having recently become a triathlete and dedicated herself to an intense training regime,  she has a figure – and a muscle/fat ratio -  most of us would give our eye-teeth  for.

But Tara is also divorced.  And just because of the ’D’ label, she has had to deal with something most divorced women face : being ‘watched,’ judged and gossiped about by women who are married or have boyfriends.

It wasn’t just the weird vibe and glances she got from two married friends at work.  The sting even came from a family member – a married cousin, who dropped condescending comments about her ’singleness”, her ‘fancy clothes’ and how she goes out “all the time” (which wasn’t true).

But the most hurtful and surprising incident happened with a close girlfriend.   Tara and a group of friends had gone camping for the weekend.  And when Tara returned from a long mid-day run - sweaty, red-faced and wearing her running gear, her girlfriend’s husband lewdly commented to his wife on Tara’s killer abs and perky breasts.  Naturally,  Tara’s girlfriend got angry- but not at her rude husband like you’d think.  Instead she directed blame at Tara, saying she was deliberately flaunting herself and trying to tease her husband.

Unfortunately, I had an ugly incident occur similar to Tara’s:  six months ago, a neighbor friend  of mine blindsided me with accusations of wanting to steal her husband and break up her family.   Her totally false accusation not only hurt me, it sent me reeling. Is this what I should expect now that I’m a ‘divorcee’? I wondered sadly.

But I gradually came to realize that this ‘confrontation’ wasn’t about me or anything I had done wrong.  It was all about my neighbor - her marriage, her sense of self, her insecurities. The same can be said for what happened to Tara: the gossiping, the condescension, the anger, all belonged to them.  Tara was just a super easy target because of her beauty – she’d be considered a ‘threat’ even if she were married.

Perhaps you’ve experienced the same ‘watchfulness’, judgment, and gossip towards you since divorcing.  Or maybe they only lurk as fears at the back of your mind.  Just remember that when or if it happens to you, do not take ownership of other people’s emotional garbage.  Their ugly words and actions are meant to serve as mirrors to them and their lives.  OUR mirror lesson is to be proud, accepting and loving of who we are, regardless of how others label us or try to bring us down.

Hmmm…that seems to be an ongoing lesson the universe wants to test me on.  What about you?  Has your backbone gotten straighter and stronger under all that scrutiny, too?

Other Articles:

Redo And Reclaim The Master Bedroom After Divorce

You Can’t Rush Your Learning – Even When You’re Convinced You’re Ready

When Favors Are Treated As Demands

Smart.  Knowledgeable.  A ‘no bullshit’ kind of woman.  This is the kind of girlfriend/ e-friend I think every divorcing woman needs to have in her corner during her divorce.

I’m not saying it’s the only kind of friend we need.  There are those whose shoulders we cry on, those who provide spiritual insight, those who make us laugh, and so on.

But divorce oftentimes requires us to be stronger and smarter than we think we are.  Some matters even require us to be tough.  And depending on where you’re coming from, in terms of both your marriage AND your life experiences, your tendency (and character) may be to put everyone else’s needs before your own, let fear and worry keep you stuck, and let good intentions and lots of prayers alone decide your destiny.  THAT’S where the support of a smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit girlfriend comes in.

My best friend Hali is one such woman.  And I must admit that at the beginning of our divorces (we went through them at the same time), I often found her approach too aggressive.  Whether she was dealing with legal matters, her ex, or issues around their parenting schedule, she always grabbed the bull by the proverbial horns and said, “This is what I want, I think this is fair and reasonable, I’ll seek legal counsel if need be, but I do, and will continue to, trust my instincts.”

I, on the other hand, was the opposite.  I  never pushed, never shoved, and trusted that all would “work itself out” cause I was a good person, so was my ex, and these things take time…

Sometimes Hali’s opinion about how I handled my divorce aggravated me.  After all, her opinions and her approach were just that – HERS, not mine.  And I found her methods and attitude too ‘masculine.’

But thank God, THANK GOD, she devoutly stood at my side even when I was going nowhere fast.  Thank God she continued to offer her guidance and opinion, even when I wasn’t ready to hear them.   Cause you know what?  I NEEDED someone like her in my corner to help me find my backbone.  I NEEDED someone to calm me down and reassure me that my ex’s behavior was unacceptable.  I NEEDED someone to remind me that the money I was spending on legal action was WELL-SPENT, that I and my children were entitled to an arrangement that was FAIR ,and that I DID have the courage and strength to grab MY life by the horns and fight for what was right.  Ultimately, my best friend Hali helped me find the smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit woman in ME.

Smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit women are amongst us. And if you haven’t such a friend in your present life, know that you can find them here online, as well as an array of others that offer valuable support of different kinds.  Cathy Meyer,my friend and partner on this site, is another such no-bs woman.  She, like my best friend Hali, is honest, fair, knowledgeable, realistic – but she may not always tell you what you want or are ready to hear…yet.

Other Articles:

When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands

‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life?  Or Sacrifices?

Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’

Can family help when you’re going through divorce? You bet. But when it comes to this particular bumpy road and the months that follow, don’t discount the importance of friends.

Don’t get me wrong – family is fantastic – and the more supportive they are, the better. Have kids? You’re all the more fortunate if parents or siblings can take them for a day, provide continuity in routines, and surround them with a sense of love and security. It will give you a break and ease your qualms, your guilt, your anger, your grief, and your worry. And yes – you’ll feel all those things. Divorce sparks so many emotions, unfastening your dreams, destabilizing your beliefs, and tossing your reality onto another planet.

But girlfriend – those other girlfriends can really be your anchors.

Think you needed good women in your life before? You need them more than ever now. To share confidences as you rediscover yourself. To vent, to rant, to cry, and simply to hold you. To reassure you that moving on was inevitable, or in your best interest.

One of them may have been through it herself, and can provide genuine empathy – as well as practical advice. Some will assist with childcare, others will offer coffee and a kind ear, or a few hours at the movies, sharing laughter.

Reasonable expectations

If you’re being slammed by every sort of change possible – revealing disclosures about your spouse’s infidelities or business dealings, financial stress, the need to sell your home, children who require comfort and clarity during a time of turmoil – what’s reasonable to expect from your friends?

• Will a friend of six months be as likely to help as a friend of ten years? Of course not.
• If your divorce drags on and you rant every time you’re out with friends, is that reasonable? Definitely not.
• What about married friends who shared couples’ activities with you and your spouse? What if they feel put in the middle?

Be mindful – and considerate – even when you’re at your worst, and struggling through what may feel like the rockiest time of your life. Steadfast friends who have shared your ups and downs for decades will stand by you, but friendship is a two-way street. It cannot always be about you, your kids, your problems. Your friends have issues, too. They still need you – as a friend. And I learned this the hard way. I was so lost in the thick of my own troubles, I was unable to give.

Post Divorce Friendships

Coming out the other side, now many years after divorce, I have two friends who remain from the time “before.” One lives hundreds of miles away; we’ve been girlfriends for as long as I can remember, believing in each other through good times and bad, and we keep in touch through letters, emails, and phone calls.

The other friend was a caring shoulder during my divorce, and in the early years after. It wasn’t easy on her, but she stuck it out with me, and I’ve never forgotten her kindness and courage in doing so.

On your post-divorce planet, you’ll be seeking new relationships. Romantic and sexual liaisons are fantastic – and part of the process of finding a single “you” again. But remember that friendships are elemental. Cherish those you have, and continue to expand your community of great women – and men. Be there for them, as they will be for you.

© D. A. Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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This past weekend I got together with a few of my closest girlfriends for our annual Christmas dinner (no men allowed!).  These are women I’ve known for more than a decade – some married, some still single, some divorced.

But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards.  And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:

1: How sex should not be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself.  Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her.  Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul.

Was my friend’s experience exclusive to her?  Not at all – all of us could relate on some level.  We agreed - this was something we’d all be discussing with our own daughters one day.

My girlfriends and I also discussed how some women feel obliged to ”perform’ for their husbands in order to keep them. After all, if men aren’t getting it at home, won’t they be enticed to find it elsewhere?  And what about ‘wifely duty’?  Sure, we might scoff at that phrase, especially in today’s day and age.  But we’ve grown up in society that fed us beliefs about what a woman should do to make her man happy.  Consequently, those seemingly outdated beliefs ARE there, twisting around in the back of some women’s minds, urging them to hand over their bodies because of feelings of guilt, obligation, and fear.

2. How the more sex you have, the more you want it. Even though I’d heard this said before, I’d never really given it serious thought; I thought it sounded…too simple?  But after listening to my best friend Hali rant about it – and another girlfriend concur – I’m thinking I need to investigate!

Maybe it’s because Hali is in her early forties or maybe it’s cause she’s done having kids.  But now that she’s divorced and two years into a new relationship, she’s having more sex than ever before in her life.  Averaging about eight times a week, she said the more she has it, the more her body wants it – she craves, it’s a call that HAS to be answered.  And when I look at the fresh youthful glow on her face (with no help from botox or laser treatments), I firmly believe it stems from her very active sex life.

Hali referred to an episode on Oprah to further exemplify what she was experiencing.  She said a guest – a heavy set woman in her fifties - told her husband that for his birthday she was gifting him with sex every day for the next 365 days.  The outcome – they were BOTH over the moon, and planned to continue reaping the rewards of their daily shared ‘activity’.  Does anyone else have any motivating stories like this?

During my Christmas tete-a-tete with my girlfriends, our sex conversations ventured into many other areas as well.  Some made us serious, some made us laugh, while others had us earnestly leaning in to hear more (grin).

But what further made me smile was the realization that the learning never stops – whether it’s around what we DON’T want (like ’performing’ to win or keep a man)  or what we DO want (lots of sex and the benefits thereof!).  But a great discussion with girlfriends is a fun way to help fill in some of the gaps – and I can’t wait to hear what we’ll be talking about another ten Christmases from now!

Delaine -  www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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I’m going to bust a gut, or the laces on my corset. All women are NOT the same! (Look at Lunch Lady – is she your girl next door? Your neighbor’s wife? Yo mama??) Lunch Lady (my heroine)

If I hear one more time – “all women try to change a man” – I’m rounding up my friendly action figures from the other day. And not the brainy ones. The muscle! Led by Lunch Lady! Then I’m marching forward on my personal crusade against lumping “all women” into one Double-D Deliciously Devious category.

JUST SAY NO!

Ladies and gentlemen: when it comes to categorizing people – of any age, gender, geographic region, profession, sexual persuasion, ethnicity, height, weight, length, breadth, girth or place of birth – just say no!!

All women do not think alike, any more than all men do!

This business about “all women want to shape a man into what she wants” or “all women want to control the situation” is just… excuse my French… boooulle sheeeet!

Me, myself, and I

The women I know are genuinely seeking a partner. A partner in friendship, for sex, or for amour. Unfortunately, there are piles of pressures in our complex world – on both sides of the gender divide. And that makes finding a good match difficult.

What else?

In land of me, myself, and I – we all think that expecting perfection or thinking “the One” awaits you is oh-so-dangerous if you want to live in the real – not “reality” – world. With a shot-in-hell at happiness, that is.

Do individuals want cookie cutter solutions in their bedrooms? I don’t think so, though cookies shared under the comforter are delightful…

Give, take, and compromise

• Ask a guy to shave before making out? Yep. Don’t want my face ripped apart, thanks.
• Ask me to shave my legs?  Sure, except I already do.
• Ask a man to give up a favorite sport, or change careers, or see his kids less and his pain-in-the-ass mother more?  Of course not.
• On the other hand, request that he smoke less, not drive 100mph, eat more fish, not wear my Jimmy Choos, and not clip his toenails in bed? You betcha!

This is give and take, Ladies and Gentlemen, allowing the other to be the person he or she is, and caring constructively. It’s not that tough, is it?

Maybe if we stopped long enough to focus on individuals, we’d do a better job at seeing the gems around us, as they are – not as we think they are or ought to be.

Toss any group of people into a category and dismiss them? BAD NEWS. And you miss out!

Open your eyes, guys and dolls

We’re not cookie cutter women, gentlemen!

We’re not paper dolls, dads!

We’re flesh and blood – moving, mutable, emoting, imperfect individuals in a constant state of flux.

And you are, too – aren’t you, guys? Or are all you men out there actually beer-swilling jerk-offs looking for DD 26-year olds with little girl voices and no opinions of their own?

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

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I was standing behind my kids’  elementary school, watching my daughter play on the monkey bars, when a neighbor friend suddenly marched up to me.  “I need to talk to you, Delaine,” she said seriously.

“Sure,” I said concerned; I could tell something was wrong.  “What’s up Lori?”

“My back is up and I’m feeling very territorial,” she said angrily.  Then she started talking about some episode that had transpired at my house that I couldn’t remember.  I stood there confused wondering, Where is she going with this?

Then she started talking about a time I had ‘deliberately ignored her.’  Still confused, all I could say was, “If I ignored you Lori, it wasn’t intentional – I’m pretty out to lunch, that’s just me!”

Then she was talking about some time I had told her not to give my kids ice cream, and yet later, she’d seen them eating ice cream from an ice cream truck.  I said:  “Ummm… the nighbours up the street bought them the cones when I was in the house.”  What the heck is her point? I wondered.

Well I soon found out.  She thought I was deliberately being mean to her because underneath all my ‘neighborly actions’, I was after her husband!

“You’re kidding right?”  I asked, my mouth agape.

Nope, she sure wasn’t.  And she made it VERY clear that I was to BACK OFF, that she was on to me, and she would fight me tooth and nail to save her family.

I was so shocked at the entire eposide, that it took me awhile to recover.  Sure, her husband and I talked, but only in a friendly way; our kids play together all the time and go back and forth between our houses.  I’d NEVER even remotely flirted with him and had been very respectful of the fact that he was married.  And truthfully – I thought him very physically unattractive!  (I should have told her that and yet it seemed too rude!)

I know that this ‘confrontation’ had everything to do with her shit, not mine.  Nonetheless, it got to me, and saddened me.  Deserved or not, I guess my being the ’divorcee’ on the block means people will judge me and wag their tongues.

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

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“Best Friends Forever.”  Women grow up with a romanticized notion that our close friendships will last forever. In fact, we are often judged by our ability to make and keep friends. But friendships that last forever are the exception rather than the rule. Most friendships, even very good ones, tend to be more fleeting than we could have ever imagined.

Every divorce has some collateral damage, which often includes a toppling of very close friendships. Couple friends may blame you for the divorce or be jealous of your decision. At a time when you are most in need of friends and support, you may feel like you are adrift.

The following question and answer were posted on my website, The Frienship Blog, by a friend who was feeling put upon by her friend’s recent divorce. What are your thoughts?

QUESTION:

My best friend is finally dumping her jerk husband of more than a decade and I’m glad about that but it’s all wearing me to a nub.

Her frenzied dating is making me nuts. She talks about her boyfriends constantly, and about how many men are chasing her. She is convinced her life will be right back on track when she has a boyfriend, even though the divorce isn’t even final yet.

She’s really into psychotherapy which I hope might help her. I think she needs to stabilize before she gets involved with anyone but who am I to say? I don’t know how to be supportive, honest, and not make my tongue bleed by biting it all at the same time.

I used to think that when she finally got away from her husband, who was emotionally abusive, she would grow into the woman she could be and our friendship would deepen. Now I just don’t know. I’m feeling distant from her and irritated.

Please help!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time supporting your BFF’s choices almost as long as you’ve known her but you deluded yourself into thinking her rotten choice of mate was circumstantial: that she simply picked the wrong guy and had a hard time getting out of it.

In large part, people choose their circumstances, and if they don’t because they’ve fallen into them by mistake, they do have the free will to change them. Eighteen years of abuse must have eroded your friend’s self-esteem completely. What half-normal person would put up with all that stuff for that long?

Admittedly, this is probably a very difficult time for your BFF. She must worry about whether she will eventually land on the ground with both feet standing—and you may be wondering the same thing about her too!

Being indiscriminately “boy-crazy” diverts a woman from thinking about their own life (How do I know? Been there, done that!). Her interest in psychotherapy suggests that on some level, she would like to find her true self.

But let’s get back to you. It’s impossible to support a friend when you consistently don’t support her choices, unless she has other qualities that outweigh the negative ones. The value of every female friendship is determined by how well it meets our needs—I like to call this the concept of reciprocity. Friendships usually work when two friends feel like they are giving each other more—or at least as much—as they are getting. Sounds like this one isn’t working for you.

In this circumstance, what are your choices? You can leave things as they are and bite your tongue (but I think you are having a problem doing that or you wouldn’t have written to me). You can tell her things she isn’t ready to hear. Or there is one more approach that I think is the most prudent. I suggest that you take a friendship sabbatical.

You need to step back and give your friend time to work things out—and you need to give yourself time to think about whether the friendship is worth the angst. You can tell your friend that you need some time and space for yourself but you really care about her and what she is going through. In the meantime, spend more time with other friends and see if they can fill the deficit. Let me know what you decide and how it goes.

Best,  Irene

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a clinical psychologist and award-winning freelance journalist and author who spent the major portion of her career as a senior manager and policymaker at the National Institute of Mental Health in Rockville, Maryland. After that, she was privileged to serve as the first Deputy Director of the federal Center for Mental Health Services during the Clinton Administration.

Her upcoming book, Best Friends Forever: How to Survive a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009), was written to address the myriad of issues that impact friendships through various stages and transitions in a woman’s life. The book will be available in Borders, Barnes & Noble and major online booksellers on September 20, which coincides with Women’s Friendship Day.

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I have a friend who is really down in the dumps.  It seems to be pretty prevalent these days.

She’s strong, she’s independent, she’s wise and she feels beaten.  Her life has so many dark corners in it right now and she finds some comfort in staying in those dark places where the shadows match her moods.

I can give all sorts of advice about how I have crawled out of dark places but I can’t force her to take the advice.  I can beg her to go to her doctor, get a check-up, get her blood work done, talk, tell her doctor how she’s feeling.  I can describe the feeling of a new haircut but when the chair swivels around, the face is still the same, lined in grief.  Still the sensation of someone else touching my hair, the lovely snip of scissors, the fresh feeling when I reach up to feel healthy ends.

I suggest massages, opening up to hands on her body to knead out the knots from too-tight shoulders or an aching back.  I have heard tales of masseusses who have had their clients crying from deep inside, the kneading of their torn hearts moving through the aching bones and muscles. It’s part of healing to lose those tears when they come freely.

Or even something as trivial as going out to the mailbox to get your mail.  Instead of slippers and sweatpants, forcing yourself into nice jeans, a top that accents your eyes, a little mascara and brushing your teeth.  Taking that step past your mailbox and taking a deep breath.  Moving on.

I bought myself an ipod and loaded songs from every single chapter of my life on to it.  I found a walking track very close to my home and started to walk.  I’d have to shove myself out of the door every day at the beginning but I had a job to do ~ for myself ~ and no one was going to do it for me.

Watching cooking shows and being inspired with fresh foods, colours and crispness.  Focus on things other than what surrounds you, instead open yourself up to what is right about your life because there is so much.

Try a gratitude journal.  Every day write ten things that make you feel grateful.  Some days it’s enough just to think, “I woke up”  and “I’m breathing” and “I have eyes so I can see.”  But if you begin to take notice of things to appreciate, more things come into view.

Read good books.  Read funny books.  Read Janet Evanovich.  Laugh our loud.  Dance behind closed doors, smile at the face in the mirror.  Find your good side.

You can wallow or you can move.  You can shrink or you can grow.  The bottom line is that it is up to you, how you choose to look at your life.  Be kind to yourself, look for bliss.  In the smallest of places you will find a forget-me-not.  Look for it.  Don’t give up, don’t hide away.  It’s all up to you…

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A very special friend of mine, very recently divorced after having too long a wait, is torn about her friends.

That’s the excess that comes from divorce, how badly it hurts everyone else.  The families ~ who do they go to for Christmas?  Can they invite one parent (children negotiable), leaving the other to their own devices? 

The soccer team, dance school, teachers, school… How do we finesse this?

And the friends.  Once a large and boisterous group of pranksters, mothers, party-goers, trivia night experts ~ how do we do that great divide?

I did what worked for me, what hurt me badly ~ but because I run from confrontation, I made it easy for all of them ~ I evaporated from the scene.  I shut my door and didn’t make any calls.  And I stared and stared at my answering machine that read a constant ‘0’ calls received. 

I wanted them to reach out to me but I gave the impression that I wanted to be left alone.  My loneliness was immeasurable and I could not speak. 

My (heart) friends, the ones who have been with me for lifetimes, knocked on my door and embraced me.  They taught me how to walk again.  And as I re-entered my life I saw the faces of those who never made the effort.  The pain came tumbling in on me all over again ~ a far different pain than that of being abandoned by my husband. 

With HIS pain I found my feet because I had to, no one else could do it for me.  But that searing pain of seeing that face, that woman who had sworn eternal sisterhood with me, who knew my confidences, who walked breezily through my home as if it had been her own ~ and who had never even made an effort to acknowledge me in my aftermath, burned even deeper than the lost love of my childrens’ father.

I spent a lot of time ducking, just in case…  Why?  Why should that woman’s rejection of me hurt so deeply?  Why, when I finally ventured out into the world, should I be ready to run in case SHE were there? 

The answer is simpler than I thought.  She hurt me because I LET her hurt me.  I gave her permission to hurt me. I handed her my devotion like a piece of delicate glass, expecting that she would treat me carefully, honouring me as I honoured her.  I offered myself freely and without hesitation she let me fall, shattering into a thousand sharp-edged glittering pieces. 

So we have choices. If I choose to become one with someone, I have an awareness that this intimacy allows abuse of my character.  I don’t want to be selfish with my love but I will be more careful, less forgiving of those small signs of imbalance.  I learned a magic word ~ BOUNDARIES.  I now know to shut a door quickly when things start to go awry.  I have learned how to keep control of my essence. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.’  I think that says it all.  If they hurt you, if you doubt them, release them… like that old adage, ‘If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t, it never was…”   And the final thought?  You are better off without the dramas. 

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I’m in a unique situation as I grow older with my lovely girl and boy friends around  me.  I’m happy.  Most of them seem to be struggling or preparing for a struggle.  I don’t know what to do about this.

I had the misfortune to lose my brother at the age of 14.  He was my hero, I could see my beauty in his eyes every time I looked at him.  He was the first one who caught a glimpse of my heart and encouraged me to expand it, to grow it, to live it while our sisters took different, greedier paths that brought them short-lived joys and trips to dangerous places. 

Because of my brother I was a candy striper, I volunteered to work at after school care in the darkest parts of a restless city.  I worked at a children’s hospital trying to bring joy to sick and needy families grieving at the conditions of critically ill or critically injured sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.  I discovered that I was well-suited to service. I learned that I have a gift in helping others to find their way again.  My brother encouraged that in me.  When we lost him, our father and I turned to his young family to help corral their loss and to keep us all whole.  This was a full-time job that we shared. 

My mother was stalwart, understanding my need to work with people grieving.  She begged me to stay home some nights, to let my sister-in-law deal with her two infant sons on her own but we both knew that those nights would result in late-night phone calls, crying babies and a woman in deep distress.  I had a journey that had to be taken then, my path was well-lit.

In too short years after, I lost my parents at ages far too young for parents to leave, ages too young for me to become an orphan.  I had to sift through their lives and learn more about them by the things they left behind.  I had to figure out their thinking, their journeys ~ all by myself.  I learned to open up to what is placed in front of me and to take it all in as my lesson. 

But that was a lifetime ago.  For far too long, I’ve done it all on my own.

Right now my friends are dealing with the natural orders of things.  Parents and siblings growing older, needier, weaker as their daughters shoulder the burdens of the inevitable.  I can see their faces marked by grief.  I feel them, edgy, verging on tears, feeling incapable of moving on. 

This past weekend, in three different ‘coffee dates’, I sat with a total of six close friends in the Australian winter sun.  We have standing meetings to celebrate birthdays and friendships yet in these three instances, there was a pall over our tables that caused even me to cry.  And each time when they turned to me for MY life’s update, all I could come up with … ‘it gets better’. 

Grief is such a personal event and we all go through it when we feel absolutely incapable of facing it.  Grief never comes on time, we are always blindsided.  And another thing that I discovered ~ it doesn’t happen so much when you would anticipate it, ie: my friend Kate coped well through the unexpected death of her adored mother ~ but the death of one of her sisters has knocked her to her last gasp of her breath.  She thought that she was prepared, her sister had been ill with heart problems for years, the last seven months in the hospital, and this loss is suffocating my friend.    

I looked at my friends, each a woman of outstanding character and capacity and saw nothing but raw grief.  I sat in the circle yet outside of the pain, trying to remember what I fought so hard to forget.  Trying to say the right thing, trying to ease their pain.  And all I could say was…
‘it gets better’…

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