Time, though, is a great healer and there comes a point when women want to start feeling sexy again and feeling good about themselves. Some will relish their newly-single status sooner than others. Some will take a while to get used to being so independent once more.

Whenever the desire arises to feel sexy again, you’d be amazed at what a difference buying some nice sexy lingerie or a couple of sex toys can make to confidence levels, stress levels and general well-being levels.

Treat yourself to lingerie that makes you look stunning and feel fantastic as you meet all the challenges that life throws up head on and show that you’re not going to let a failed marriage get you down for too long. The great thing about lingerie is that it’s affordable, widely available and comes in a variety of different colors, shapes and styles so women of every size can find a little something extra special that’ll ensure they look amazing.

No doubt woman all over America could relate to that moment in the film Bridget Jones’s Diary when her unflattering pants come to light. Hands up who owns a pair or two of ‘comfy’ pants? Yep, most of us are guilty of that, but we should also make room in our knicker drawer for some sultry lingerie.

Enjoy some pleasure with sex toys as well. There are all sorts of different sex toys on the market at present, from the weird to the wonderful. Get intimate with yourself and banish the stresses and strains over everyday life. Get imaginative between the sheets. Use them as a substitute partner for a while or maybe just for the sheer hell of it and because you’re a sexual person.
It’s time to start embracing your change in lifestyle and have a bit of fun in the bedroom!
This was a featured article provided by AnnSummers.com all photos used were provided courtesy of Roland Darby and you can get more images like this from him here

Let’s start with the SEEMINGLY most humiliating situation: if he left us for another woman. The most important thing to know about this particular situation is that it didn’t happen because we’re not good enough or pretty enough, or anything! Quite simply we have to digest, however hard it might be, that the story is not about us, we aren’t event participants of the events. The possible greatest mistake is to think that we were left behind because we were incapable of coping with a relationship. It simply happens so because, on the one hand that’s life – imagine if your previous relationships hadn’t come to an end and you should still be with the same guy as five or ten years ago – few better tragedies could happen to us.

Or because we outgrew the framework of the relationship, we need new people, new experiences – but unfortunately human nature tends to be reluctant to change well-established things and we rather sit in a bad relationship than voluntarily accept singe-life.

Or quite simply we don’t gain anything from our relationship anymore and the other person is willing to take up the role of the form-breaking, ungrateful relationship-breaker, who files for divorce.

A break-up can be about a lot of things, however certainly NOT about one thing, our incapability!

If our partner falls in love with another woman, he expresses it to the least extent that there is something wrong with us, since we are not even part of this story. In this case, the man, as a sentimental human being falls in love with someone, just as he did some time before with us…

In reverse positions, the whole situation doesn’t look so bad, does it? If you think about it, when you fell in love with somebody else, honestly, innocently, you can see that your current partner couldn’t do anything about that, we saw someone whose smell, intimacy and smile was irresistible. He had nothing to do with the story; it was about us and our new love. It wasn’t he who changed, but we, WE fell in love! This was completely independent from our current partner, since nobody is vaccinated against love, neither he, nor we! Life is about change, about our internal changes, about the never-ending cycles of the world that surrounds us, as they say: we have our ups and downs… What could be more real? It is an inherent nature of a healthy and authentic life that we cannot be constantly at the top, cannot always succeed in everything as we planned, and that we are able to accept changes and adapt to them.

Becoming single is one of the most dynamic and exciting points of a relationship. Because at that moment we have ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES to choose who we fall in love with – in contrast to the situation when we live in a relationship or a marriage, where our love “object” is kind of given. The only problem is – as my Buddhist philosopher of religions-self would say – that in this situation, experienced as a crisis, we only see one thing that the relationship has ended. According to Buddha, our conscious is space-like, that is to say infinite; and infinity provides us with infinite creativity and possibilities every moment. Provided we are able to look away from the fact that suddenly we became single or divorced and what a terrible thing it is, and let the rest of the world reveal itself for us, and we discover how incredibly lucky we are.

I don’t deny that on my part I mostly considered all of my break-ups as the end of the world. I cried out my eyes, tired my best girlfriends to death with the most beautiful moments of my passing-away love (which I had had told them million times before), stuffed myself with cakes (here we go, not only the end of the world, but I even put on few pounds on the top of the crisis), or I could not eat a bite and scared everybody with the external and internal signs of exhaustion… So I did many things that I neither enjoyed, nor did it take me forward, nor resolved my situation and above all did not promise better prospects…

Then, in the next situation, where for some reason, I forgot about the spiritual torture and self-pity, that I’ve obligatorily prescribed for myself, I was able to see how many things exist in the world apart from my GREAT and UNSOLVABLE problem!

Suddenly I began to wonder what to do with so much free time and empty space that was generated in my life. Of course, first of all I thoroughly mourned the programs, which had formed an integral part of my life. But then I realized that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things I’ve neglected in the past because the relationship used up all of my time, energy, attention. And it was time to give all of these to someone who deserves them the most: myself!

Agatha Seymour is working as a writer, journalist though holds a Master’s Degree in Philosophy of Religion while she is interested in everything that is connected to people, relationships. The writer is currently working on her fourth book and you might meet her as a journalist of several online magazines around Europe. She is writing on the theme of marriage crises and relationship problems.

Her blog can be found at agathaseymour.blogspot.com

and her website at agathaseymour.com.

Her kindle format book, entitled Till Life Do Us Part, has recently been published on amazon.com. The book explores the theme of why men leave women, why women become boring for them, why comes a new, even younger woman, with whom the adored love lives through again the same passionate moments. As a practicing wife, she is looking for and finds the answer in her book in a diary-like form.

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In general when a relationship ends, whether it be a marriage, a long-term love or just a few weeks of dating, there are two parties involved–the dumper and the dumpee. The difference being that the dumper is the one who ends the relationship while the dumpee has the relationship ended for them.

Most of the time our attention goes immediately to the dumpee because they tend to feel hurt and they are the one who was left. As compassionate people we reach out to them, show our support, encourage, and often tell them the things we think they need to hear in order to heal. That is only normal. No compassionate person is going to hit the dumpee while they are down with questions like “What about the dumper?”

The problem with this situation is there are still two parties involved. Two parties that experience an equal amount of difficulty. Yes I said EQUAL. Equal, although very different. During my divorce I read a book where the author described divorce like death. It was the death of the same relationship, however the type of death experienced by either party was very different.

For the one who was left, the death was sudden and unexpected and the grief is filled with strong emotions. For the one who did the leaving, the death was similar to a death following a prolonged illness, which included a grief  that began long before the actual death. When the death actually took place, there came a sadness but also a great deal of relief.

As the dumper, you do not experience the “surprise” or feeling of being left, you experience a whole other set of emotions. There is guilt for hurting someone, frustration with how to deal with things, the decisions (made all alone) on how to deal with every situation, sadness, withdrawal, grief, all of the things that the dumpee feels only they are taking place during the relationship instead of after the relationship ends.

Depending on the situation and circumstances the dumper may spend days, weeks, months, or even years, with all of these emotions weighing on them and in most cases unable to share those feelings because the relationship is still somewhat intact, even if only superficially.

The dumpee on the other hand can immediately start talking to friends and family and begin the healing process of trying to make it right in their minds. They do not have to suffer any of the pain alone like the dumper who does not receive the immediate compassion from others except from the select group of dumpers that relate, and many times that only occurs after the breakup.

Not to mention the fact that at that point, the word is spread, lines are drawn between friends and family and the dumper immediately becomes the bad guy/girl. So not only does the dumper have to suffer through the emotions alone, they now have to deal with the loss of some friends and the judgment of others. But here we are, compassionate and caring and taking care of the dumpee.

Why is it that we feel so compelled to help the one who was left but the one that did the leaving has to do it all alone? Is it really that difficult to understand that the dumper has feelings too?

It wasn’t until after my divorce that a friend of mine told me there are two types of people, dumpers and dumpees and you are one or the other. More importantly while you may be able to sympathize with the other, you can never truly relate or understand all that they go through and experience unless you are of the same type.

As a dumper, which is the personality trait I have always taken on, I can better understand all of the things that relate to those types of experiences. While I certainly have empathy for a dumpee, I can honestly say I feel more commiseration with the dumper.

Like I said I have always had the personality of a dumper. There is not one relationship I have ever been involved in that I was not the dumper. For all of you dumpee’s out there that may have not headed my warning above and are still reading, do not mistake being a dumper with not being able to maintain or enjoy a relationship long-term. And DO NOT think that a dumper can only be a dumper because they lack feeling and are heartless. That is far from the truth.

Even as I write this, there is a part of me that knows I will never be able to get through to a dumpee because 1) I can’t truly relate with them and 2) they can’t associate with my feelings. Although I could sit here and write out all of the feelings I experienced in my divorce, most of you would dismiss them and blame me for one thing or another because I was the dumper. I think the only way to truly give you a glimpse into the pain a dumper experiences is to recap the loss of my relationship years ago with my husband now.

We had been together for more than five years and our love was strong, passionate and young. Young because we were young, not young meaning new. We had not grown into the people we are now who can talk about anything and talk about everything and without that communication even a love as strong as ours can struggle. We were still trying to find ourselves while trying to be together. But even with growing pains, I truly never believed we would be anything other than Jeff and Carrie, always and forever.

Slowly my world was changing. I was in search of myself and he was in search of himself. In that, he made one minor mistake but a mistake that, in my youth, I could not get past. It caused me so much hurt, pain and grief that it didn’t matter how many times he apologized or what explanation he gave. I loved him more than anything and I knew he loved me the same way. But as a dumper, my pain was set aside. I spent countless hours running through all of the options. I agonized over how to move forward. Now granted if I could go back today, as the woman I am now, I would have made a different decision but at the time the only decision I felt I could make was to end the relationship. Even though he tried over and over to talk me into reconsidering, I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. As much as he thought I was hurting him (which I was) he did not see the nights of crying myself to sleep. He never saw the struggles I had with deciding and the tears shed over asking him to leave. Even though my pain went on for longer than you can imagine, I never allowed him to see it and really as the dumper, I didn’t feel I had a right to show it.

So was I the one left, no. But I did feel the pain and equally as much. Absolutely, and in my mind, more. I think it is fair to say that my pain is always going to feel more real and justified than someone else’s. If we were honest, isn’t that how we all feel?

My question to you is “what about the dumper?” Why is it we often forget about them and instead just place blame? Don’t they deserve our compassion as well? Or as the dumper are we just expected to suck it up and deal with the decision we made? Not that we would take back our decisions because unlike the story above, in most of our situations although we have suffered in the process of making those decisions we are secure in them –I know that I experienced great pain in my divorce although I have no doubt it was the right decision.

So again I ask “What about the dumper?”

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

A very wise woman and friend of mine once shared the secret to her happy marriage.  She said something like this, “Every morning I wake up and fall in love with the man who is beside me.  It’s not the same man I went to sleep with.  For each day, he has grown and changed and it’s my job to recognize him for who he is today, and not to dwell on who he was yesterday. ”

Wow, I’d never heard any relationship advice like that before, and it really made me think about what she was saying.  Each day, she is releasing all the old complaints, problems, annoyances, etc. and is waking up with a clean slate.  Each morning, she is looking at her husband with fresh eyes, to see how he is choosing to express his authentic self today, what aspects of him she might not have noticed before, how he’s grown and changed…

Another happily married friend reminded me recently that there is a powerful second aspect to this relationship advice — and that is to see the divinity within your partner, in other words to look for what is good in him, focus on his best qualities and traits, enjoy and celebrate his wonderfulness.  And to do this each day, with new eyes, looking for his greatest self and really seeing him.

Now here’s the catch:  While it’s possible that this might work if only one person in the relationship does it, it’s not likely.  As you can imagine, it takes both partners opening up each day to the wonder and newness of their spouse/mate, for this to be truly effective.

Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote in the lyrics to Cinderella, “Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?”  For most people, they fall in love initially because they see the obvious beauty (internal and external) of the other.  And likewise, for most people, they have trouble maintaining that level of enrapturement for their partner over time, simply because they choose to stop seeing that beauty.  (Note: this isn’t always a conscious choice, but it is a choice, nevertheless.)

When you commit to love someone, commit also to focus upon and see their authentic self, their inner beauty, and to really notice who they are becoming (rather than stagnantly seeing who they were when you first met).  When both partners do this every morning, day in and day out, you will see magical transformations occurring in your relationship.

Charles R. Brown said, “The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow.”  What awesome colors are you seeing reflected from your loved one today?

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

View all posts by EliseOnLife →

Most of you are working on personal change –so you are aware of areas you wish to grow in and are actively becoming your best self.  As such, you’ve experienced how change can sometimes take longer than you think, can come about in a different way than you anticipated, and how it can sometimes feel like a stop-n-start activity (with times when you’re progressing and other times when you feel stuck or like you’ve relapsed).

Knowing how much focus and effort it takes to change yourself, why would anyone undertake the task of changing another?!  And yet, in the US society, women are typically led to believe that if they can just find a good man, they can then change him into ‘Mr. Right’.

Paradoxically, the typical US man believes that the woman will always remain just the way she was when he met her (that she’ll never change).  So when she grows and changes, he wants her to go back to the way she was when they met.

She tries to make him change, and he tries to make her not change.  As you can predict, both of these scenarios are doomed to fail.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen this far too often.

So what’s the cure for this disease?  It comes down to two things:

1) love your partner unconditionally — in other words love them for who they are right now (not for who they could be or who they used to be), and

2) spend your energy working on yourself and let your partner do the same (it’s not your place to make suggestions of things your partner could work on).

When you meet someone and are dating, take the time to really get to know that person well.  Meet their friends (recent and long-time), get to know their family, meet their co-workers, and be certain to share lots of mundane, everyday experiences together so you can tell how this person really is in the world.

Date for a while; don’t rush into anything.  It’s really important that you know all aspects of your partner (and vice versa) BEFORE you commit to each other.  By doing this, you will be able to unconditionally love and accept your partner for who they are, in their entirety.  And that is the key to a happy relationship — truly seeing, knowing, accepting and loving everything about the other.

Another helpful technique is to stop thinking that your way is the right way.  Instead, shift your thinking to “there is no one right way; every way has validity”.  When you make this shift, you won’t be inclined to insist that others do things your way, and you’ll be more receptive to learning new ways of doing things and seeing things.  In other words, you’ll have an open mind.

As Colonel Potter said on M*A*S*H, “Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.”

If you want to change the world, change yourself.  For that is the one place you have any influence.  And the change you make in yourself will impact others in many seen and unseen ways.

Trying to change another is futile, but working to change yourself is miraculous!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

View all posts by EliseOnLife →

The picture that society has painted of step-moms is evil, ugly, rotten and very sad. According to Cinderella and other stories with stepmothers, these women only love their biological children and they are incredibly mean or they are young attractive women that the ex left the older mom for and therefore she must be a horrid woman who cares nothing about the well being of children, right?

The truth is step-moms are not these terrible women who are horrible to their stepchildren and only kind to their “real” children. Nor are they women who move in on the ex-husband like prey and plan their every move just to make the biological mother crazy.

Sad really how the world of television and movies has warped the reality of a step-mom and her role in the children’s lives. I don’t know about you but I was not aware that a step-mom could not love her step-children as much as she loves her own children. What makes the children not born to her any less real or lovable?

When a mother adopts a baby she did not carry in her womb, does that mean she loves them less? Or how about a foster mom that takes in children to care for them when their “real” parents aren’t able, is she not respected and able to love those kids. I find it amazing how we accept other roles like adoptive moms and foster moms but the stepmom is something evil and looked down upon.

I think it all stems from biological mothers who think no one could care for their child the way they do. On top of the fact that these same mothers are usually angry and bitter from a divorce which they did not want or did not like how it ended. Mix in a new woman who the real mother does not like, is jealous of, or resents from some unknown reason and the creation of the evil stepmother is born.

Before you get all worked up and tell me that I have no idea what it is like to have another woman taking care of your children, you should know I am very well versed in the term stepmom and the role she has in a family.  Not only am I the biological mother to two children (who have a stepmother in their life), I am the stepmom to two, and I also have a mother and stepmother. So to say the least, I have quite a bit of experience in all aspects of the stepmom.

That being said, I can related to those of you who have a new woman in your life that is now caring for your children half of the time or at least part of the time, and I know it can be hard at first. The adjustment to not only being away from your children for a given period of time but also having to accept a new woman in their lives can be very challenging. I love my children and I hate when they are not in my home, but there is a reality I have had to accept.

A reality that now includes a step-mom as well as rules, decisions, and general life that does not include me. This is a sacrifice that I had to make in order to improve life for both me and my children. I’m sorry but I will never, ever buy into the belief that many women (and some men) have that you should remain in a marriage that you no longer wish to be a part of. I firmly believe that doing so has drastically more adverse effects on the children than divorce ever could. I personally know a couple that has been what I refer to as “unhappily married” for over 43 years and their adult children are some of the most maladjusted humans that I know.

I am not the angry divorcee that is mentioned previously and even though I brought the divorce on myself and wanted out, that didn’t mean I was looking forward to sharing my children with anyone let alone another woman. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning.

At first when this woman came into my children’s lives, I thought it would be like it always was–I was their mother and I had the last word. Just like when my ex was not married, I would tell him what I thought was right or wrong and he would either agree or disagree but ultimately I was still able to exert my control regarding my children in his home. Now there is another mom involved and she gets the say in her home.

This is as it should be, as I would never want anyone thinking they could tell me how to do things in my own home. Letting go of that control and realizing that just because I am the biological mother does not mean I get to have any input into my ex’s new family was a little tough at first. Although I did not agree at first, my ex and his wife made it clear that whether they agree with me or not it was ultimately their home and they would do as they saw fit. Frustrating as that is, it is true and I have gracefully come to terms with that.

Then there is the fact that my children have days where they love their stepmom and they have a great time and other days where they whine and complain and tell me how awful she is. I am the adult so I have to remember that they are children and their perceptions of things are a little skewed. You know what I mean–maybe she ruins one meal and now she is the world’s worst cook.

Also children feed off of their own mother, if they feel that it makes their mom happy to say bad things about the stepmom then they will come up with all kinds of terrible stories in order to make their mom feel better. It is completely understandable at young ages to tell either parent what they think you want to hear in an innocent effort to please, even though what they may think you want to hear is not what you want to hear at all.

All of this can be so hard to balance. You want your children to be happy when they are with you and when they are away. However, there is always a little jealousy of things you miss out on or don’t get to experience with your children so you really don’t want to hear about how much fun they had with their step-mom.

For me, I have decided that I just want my kids to be happy and that includes when away from me. So for them to be happy, I have chosen to encourage their relationship with their step-mom. Like it or not, she is the mom in their other house and in that family. I would rather be a little jealous or sad (without showing my children) and have my kids happy and flourishing in their other home then see them sad and complaining just to make me happy.

So when they return to my home and begin to share the good and the bad, I listen to the good and engage them in those conversations but if the topic turns bad I generally redirect them so that they realize those topics do not please me. Interestingly since I began that, my two don’t say very many bad things about their step-mom. Nowadays I have to assume that they are doing quite well if the only thing they complain about is the occasional bad cooking.

Ultimately, we all just want what is best for our children. Although I do not agree with my children’s step-mom on several things, that does not make her role any less important to my children. I also have to realize that even though I am their mother, she is their step-mom and they have a new family. Also she is married to my children’s father. As a man he cannot always experience the same things as a woman. So although I may feel like she is doing things with my children that I should be doing, what makes me think that their father is not experiencing that moment through his wife.

For example, maybe he is not the best baker and she enjoys baking cookies, isn’t it possible that seeing his children in the kitchen cooking with her is special and important to him. Sorry moms, but we all do it, we tend to think that our feelings as a mother are more important then the feelings of the father, and that is just plain wrong. I am guilty of it too, although I am trying to better myself and see that his feelings are valid whether I agree with them or not.

The bottom line here involves our children–they have two parents plus some and all parties involved are equally important, no matter whose womb the child came from. All of us moms need to accept the step-mom and stop looking for the evil stepmother from Cinderella. That is only fair for the children.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips For Divorced Parents

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive.  If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations.  Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children.  Your only relationship is one of co-parenting.  Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn’t make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.  Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don’t question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say.  They wonder if it’s O.K. to have fun at Dad’s house.  You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don’t have to “report back” all the activity going on in his house.  It’s O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, “great” after their brief response.  Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it’s O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you’re not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible.  Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don’t sabotage family events at your ex’s house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex’s house, or bringing them to their other parent’s house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children.  Step back, and remember to do what’s best for your kids.

8-Don’t speak negatively about your ex’s new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you’re a parent, you can’t just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great step parent to your kids.  When you’re ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids.  This isn’t about trying to hurt your spouse or “get even” – your goal should be to do what’s best for your children.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit her website at Blended Family Advise for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

For more from Shirley follow her on Twitter @MarriageNFamily

For more advice on being a divorced father, take a look at this excellent book – written by fathers for fathers.

1. Ignoring Your First Impression. You can tell everything you need to know about a guy in the first 15 seconds.  OK maybe 15 minutes, but during those first minutes after you meet your intuition is on overdrive.  You  haven’t had time yet to rationalize  away all those red flags just because he’s good-looking or rich.   If you don’t pay attention to that first impression you will regret it.

2. Confusing Sex And Intimacy. Women who jump into bed right away are often hoping to skip the getting-to-know-each-other stage of the relationship and get intimate right away.  It doesn’t work that way.  Don’t use sex as a cheap substitute for intimacy. The act itself doesn’t take all that much time or effort, and it will allow you to fantasize a sense of closeness that doesn’t really exist.   It takes time to establish real inti macy and there are no short cuts.

3. Trying To Change Him. It’s so tempting not to see or accept who a man really is, but who he could be if only you could help him get a job, quit drinking, or move out of mom’s house.   We women tend to see guys as a pile of potential rather than for sale as is, then we waste years trying to “fix” him.   Don’t bother.  If you want to change anything more substantive than the way he dresses, forget it.   In fact forget the style change too, a lot of guys just refuse to give up those ripped sweats and pony tails.

4. Making Excuses For Him. How many times have we said to ourselves:  “Oh, he only gets drunk occasionally,” or “He loves me, that’s why he’s so jealous,” or “I know he has a good heart even though he doesn’t show it.’  I made excuses for my husband’s lack of integrity for years, including his lying, “forgetting” and eventually cheating until he finally left me for another women.

5. Taking Him For Granted. We women tend to get caught up with our jobs, our businesses, the children or grandchildren and ignore our husbands,, thinking we don’t have to make an effort to keep our marriage vibrant and alive.   If you don’t pay attention to your husband you take the risk of him finding someone who will.   This is the biggest complaint of men who leave—that their wives lost interest and stopped appreciating them.   Men are like plants, they need a lot of watering or they wilt.

Submitted by Erica Manfred Your “girlfriend in a book!” He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty