In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

I’ve been in a down cycle recently. Normally I look forward to “work.” I don’t think of what I do as work but as my passion. For some reason though it lost it’s flavor and I found myself putting off what used to bring me joy.

The more I avoided doing what I once loved, the less I wanted to do it. Then I was talking to my son one night. He has always been my hero, someone I try to model myself after. When life is sunny and I’m feeling uber motivated I know where he gets his attitude about life from.

When I feel as if I’m walking around under a gray cloud it takes reminding and a good conversation with him can work wonders for my attitude.

He is 26 and working his first post college job. He has been on this job for three years. It isn’t the perfect job. Not the job I would have hoped for him but given the state of our economy he is lucky to have found such a job.

Here is the thing about my son, he doesn’t love his job. He works with people at least 20 or 30 years older than him. He drives over an hour one way daily to get to work and he hasn’t had a raise since starting the job. These negative aspects of the job are not what he concentrates on though.

Somehow, somewhere down the line he learned to “make the best of a bad situation.” While he and I talked I learned the tricks he used to keep himself invested in his job and looking forward to work every day.

I thought I would share with you readers what I learned. And also tell you that it is so rewarding to raise a son who not only can teach his mom a few things but also makes her very proud.

Loving What You Do According to Elliott:

Keep Communications Positive

People enjoy being around upbeat, optimistic people. You not only feel better if you work with a positive attitude, those who work with you also feel better about what they do. Stay away from negative conversations and negative people.

Set a Good Example

Model the sort of behavior you want to see in others. Always be willing to help a co-worker if they seem overwhelmed or stressed out. Off assistance before you are asked, get to know and show interest in your co-workers and be willing to share who you are with them.

Be Complimentary

Most people respond to positive recognition, if you are in a position to tell others you think they do a good job don’t be shy about praising them. Positive recognition along with displays of gratitude go a long way toward making the work environment a happier place.

It all sounds very simple huh? Be respectful when you communicate with others, “done unto them what you would have done to you,” and be kind and generous with praise. If my son’s advice is right, you really do “get back what you give.”

When going through the divorce process our home, the home the children and I were left in felt like a refuge. Our worlds had been turned topsy turvey and it was a huge comfort to go “home” to familiar surroundings. Our home kept us grounded. My youngest was especially attached. His friends lived within doors of his front door and his friends were a great comfort to him during that period.

I wanted to stay in the home until my youngest graduated from school. I knew though that I couldn’t afford to and that my soon to be ex was in no position financially to help. Knowing the burden it would be on both of us to maintain two homes I chose not to ask for the home during our settlement negotiations.

Are you in the same position? Are you dreading giving up the “family home” and starting over? Raleigh Divorce Lawyer, Lee Rosen addresses the issue below and may have an answer for you if you are holding onto the idea of keeping your home during and after your divorce.

Submitted by: Deborah Moskovitch

The Finances of Divorce

A client came into my office the other day, in tears. She was just about to sign papers to purchase her new home, but was now feeling unsure of her decision. My client was in the middle of negotiating her financial agreement and wanted to prepare herself for the fresh start she desired when her divorce became final.

There is no crystal ball as to how this will end……

While you might have an idea of where you would like to see yourself financially post-divorce, this objective and the final outcome might not necessarily the same.

Mistakes to avoid during divorce

• Don’t make any significant investments before your settlement is signed

• Don’t make any significant purchases while negotiating your settlement – you might end up being responsible for that purchase, such as jewelry, vacation, clothing and so on.

• Don’t make purchases based on projections; you never know how it will turn out.

Establish your own financial identity

If you have been the financially uninformed spouse, and you do not have a credit rating, now is the time to start building one.

If you are in the matrimonial home and your spouse has left, you might want to consider changing the household bills to your name. Make sure you pay these off on time and in full. This is a good way to start establishing a good credit rating.

If you had a joint credit card with your former spouse, the principal card holder has the credit rating. Apply for your own credit card. If you are a first time card holder, you can always start out with a small credit limit and gradually increase it as you pay off on time and prove to be a good credit risk.

Get your finances in order before divorce

All lawyers agree on how important it is for their clients to be as financially aware as possible. It’s the best way to learn your rights and obligations and determine realistic expectations early in the divorce process. Your lawyer can then give you informed opinions based on fact, not on speculation. And the more you can manage and organize your information for your lawyer, and establish realistic financial goals, the more you can help reduce your lawyer’s billable hours!

• Get involved in your finances. Know the basics – pay the bills and file the statements. Learn how your daily and monthly expenses are managed.

• Determine where the money is coming from and how it is applied toward your budget.

• Take part in setting up investments such as retirement funds, and understand where and what the other assets are.

Many lawyers suggest that if someone is contemplating a divorce or separating, one of the first things they should do is accumulate the financial information.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com.

I know from the many people I speak with, that the monthly statement from their lawyer’s office seems to be the last piece of mail to get opened. It’s not like you are running to your mail to see if it is there. And, the questions you ask yourself as you open the statement can make you anxious. Are there enough funds in the retainer to cover this bill? Do I need to submit additional money? Why can’t I keep the bills down? Why does the bill add up to so much so quickly? Why? Why? Why?

Instead of asking yourself why, utilize the how to strategies to keep your legal costs down, while maintaining control over what is going on in your file.

Here are some cost saving tips to help you cut down on your legal bill:

Maximize your meeting time

• Schedule your meetings through your lawyer’s assistant.

• Make a list of questions you would like to discuss, organized by topic or issue.

• Have an agenda ready, with all items and issues to be discussed.

• Take notes.

• Do any follow-up work the lawyer gives you (reviewing documents, contacting a specific specialist, and so forth), and make sure it is done in a timely manner.

Make all communications cost effective

• Save up your questions. Don’t call or e-mail your lawyer every single time you have an inquiry.

• Check with your lawyer first and find out how he or she likes to handle communications–via e-mail, phone calls, or meetings with prepared agendas. Also ask for recommendations on making your communications more efficient.

Provide as much written information as possible

• Many lawyers have their clients write out an account of their marital history. Ask your lawyer if this is what should be done.

Use your lawyer’s services cost effectively

• Listen to your lawyer and take notes.

• Remember, if you want to vent and complain about your soon-to-be ex-spouse, the meter is still running.

• If you are able to, do certain tasks, such as filling out the financial statement, yourself.

• Don’t micromanage (pay extreme attention to the small details of) your case. This only causes your legal bills to escalate and slows down the process.

And, if there is something that doesn’t make sense to you, ask your lawyer.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com.

Is your divorce still in process? Are you worrying about whether you dotted all your i’s and crossed all your t’s – especially where the future for your children is at stake?

Here are several subjects – serious matters – that I had to deal with during my divorce and since. These are hard topics for us to think about and process during the best of times, and when we are happy with our partners. But they become more critical as we are splitting into separate households, and make tough decisions that are both financial and logistical.

Estate planning and your will

You may think you don’t have enough assets to make a will, or plan your estate. But the fact is – if you have children, there are things you must put down in writing, for their well-being.

Even if you’re still married, what if something happens to you and your spouse? Who cares for your children? Don’t you want the option of clearly specifying who will raise them?  That is a critical part of what you do in your will. And when you divorce, it becomes even more important if you are concerned about the other parent’s ability to care for your children.

Furthermore, some of us do have assets. They may be straightforward and substantial – a home, cars, property, retirement money, or more. Or, your assets may include a smaller pool of items – but you still have family treasures, furnishings, and many personal belongings.

Is your relationship with your ex amicable or is there ongoing animosity? Should something happen to you, do you want him going through your things?

Appoint an executor you trust – truly trust – and include provisions for who can and cannot be part of the process of dealing with your assets, including your personal belongings.

Speak with your divorce attorney, gather recommendations for proper counsel to guide you in this matter, or execute a will on your own. Search the Internet for will-making options. There are many. Use them – or an attorney – if you haven’t already done so. If you do have an existing will, make sure you update it, considering where things stand with your new divorced status, change in locations, and so on.

Life insurance and other financial safety nets

I am neither a financial planner nor an estate planner. But if your soon-to-be-ex has life insurance on which you (and/or your children) are designated beneficiaries, make sure those policies stay in effect, or replacement policies are put into effect. Be certain you have the right to see (review) the policies on a regular basis. Negotiate additional policies – even if they are term life policies (quite inexpensive) to assure that your children would be taken care of until adulthood or through college. (20-year term life is quite common.)

Don’t want to think about this? I know. It’s painful – and difficult. We want to believe we will always be here for our children, that our ex-spouses will be responsible and reasonable, or that post-divorce we will embark upon a happy, new life, and in short order.

But it doesn’t always happen that way. People change. Circumstances change. Jobs are lost. Spousal or child support may be a critical part of how you survive financially, and you need to assure that you and your children are still taken care of if something happens to your ex. Assuring that life insurance remains intact, with you as the beneficiary, is part of being a responsible parent. And it is your legal right to request your ex carry a life-insurance policy with your children as the beneficiary.

Even if the ex is about to remarry – this is still his parental obligation. Insist on it.

As for other financial arrangements – medical insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and disability insurance are all essential. Trust me – trying to pay for health care, teeth cleanings and orthodontia, glasses when the kids are a little older – these expenses can run into the thousands per year. An eye exam and glasses alone can run $400 for a 15 year old. I’ve just been through this. And paying for your (medical) insurance? It costs a fortune, particularly over 45, even for minimal benefits.

What if you get sick? Some sort of disability plan – even if you are employed now – is vital. Find one you can afford. Purchase it when you’re young, and healthy – or discuss its inclusion in your settlement agreement.  Believe me, social security payments won’t cut it. And if you find yourself out of a job (where an employment relationship exists), you’ll be without benefits along with the lack of income.

Your attorney can help with these critical insurance issues, but only if you make sure you mention them! You have to take care of contingencies. Life has a way of throwing the unexpected at us – particularly at mothers – and it is more difficult to recover. We are (typically) caring for the children, and post-divorce, have the greater portion of the burden on us, as primary custodial parents.

This is not true in all circumstances, and I realize that. But it is true often enough – and forewarned is forearmed.

Plan ahead – car insurance, and more

One last sort of insurance expense you may not think of – car insurance when your children are teens. I’ve been going through this for the past three years (with two more to go). I assumed I’d be on my feet and possibly remarried within four or five years of divorce. That was not the case. My ex has been unwilling to chip in on necessary expenses (not explicitly in the agreement) for many years, despite a more than ample income and a steady job. One of those expenses has been car insurance for teens.

Don’t let your attorney get away with saying “oh, you can always modify your agreement.” Not so simple, and with an uncooperative ex, nearly impossible without great expense and significant time. Some of that depends upon the state you live in, but why leave things to chance if you can make provisions now?

Teenage car insurance can run $3,000 or $4,000 or more per year, in addition to your current cost of car insurance. Furthermore, some states require specific driving classes not provided in high school, and they run into the many hundreds. In my case, $700 for each of my kids. More that I just had to suck up out of borrowed money. And those are 2009 dollars. What will those figures be when your children reach 16?

And let me be clear – I am not talking about the purchase of a car. I am talking about the incremental increase to your auto insurance premium, once you have to add a teen to your policy. It can add $300 to $350 / month, in today’s dollars. And if you are a solo parent – as I am – you need another driver in the family if you can possibly have one. By the time kids are teens, you’re more tired and they’re more involved in necessary academic and social activities, or have jobs of their own. Furthermore, a teen who can legally drive may be of assistance:  if you are sick, if you’re swamped with work, helping with younger siblings who need to be chauffeured, or just lending a hand with the errands when you need it.

College Expenses

As for other expenses – college expense provisions are often very loose in divorce agreements. Particularly if your children are young. Push for more than “standard” language or – again – “you can always modify your agreement.”

If you are likely to be the lesser earning parent, or if your employment status is or has been a roller-coaster, assure yourself that you don’t have to fight covering expenses on no income. (In other words, more legal battles or more debt based on an old agreement.) Make sure that phrases like “college expenses at a state school” or “agreed upon school” are elaborated and explicit relative to tuition, books, room and board, fees, supplies, required computers, and travel home from out of state. Make sure there are clear provisions if you are not the primary bread winner, and provisions if you are out of work at the time that college expenses come into the picture.

So much in divorce is negotiable, but what I’ve learned (the hard way) is to never assume. And that means taking the financial reins in hand, for your future and that of your children.

Again – a little knowledge goes a long way. Serious issues require serious thought, and real-world handling. Now.

© D A Wolf 

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

New York Times columnist, Nicholas Kristof, tells us something interesting in his November 6th article, entitled Our Banana Republic. Apparently, new research points to increasing divorces occurring due to the stress of poor economic times. This should surprise no one, but it should alarm us all.

Love makes marriage work, but stress — like a wayward child, mental illness, or the loss of a job — can undermine the glue that holds a couple together. There are a number of reasons for this.

First off, there is the blame game: “I never signed up for this!” Many women are outraged that they may have to support their husband when he cannot come through like he was “supposed to.” You can understand this. We all make assumptions as young people about the roles we play in relationships, and those expectations (like financial stability) can lead to big disappointments. She may look at her friends who are still shopping at fancy department stores and feel wronged. And while this may sound a little one-sided, it’s not limited to women either.

Secondly, there is the depression and anger that anyone may feel when he or she is out of work. Men (as well as some women) forge their identities around their careers. And when it is taken away, they can spin out into grief and anger. If — and when — you take this pain out on those around you, remember that love can only tolerate so much.

Finally, there is the stress of watching every penny, and not knowing when, or even if, things will ever get better. Unemployment or foreclosure is a serious change to anyone’s lifestyle, and it eats away at people like acid over time. The antidote is to accept where things are, make a plan to improve the situation, and, ultimately, love each other and remain a team through such hard times. And while I know this may not be an obvious strength of the baby boomer generation, this is our challenge to accept.

There is wisdom in perspective and awareness. Be aware that you may carry resentment towards an unemployed spouse. Be aware that depression and anger are understandable, but counterproductive if you have lost work. And remember that love can prevail — a love based on supporting each other through thick and thin. Our grandparents and great grandparents had the Great Depression to get through together, and we have the Great Housing Crash of the past three years.

Divorce may be an answer for some. But it isn’t always the answer. Remember that divorce often opens up a whole new set of problems that only add to the economic ones that you already have.

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce, is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.

Question

Dear Shelley:

I am really struggling.  I was married for almost ten years and have two children.   My husband and I have been to court three times already.  At the last hearing, the judge asked both attorneys if all issues were resolved and both said yes – but my ex and his attorney have not completed the necessary paperwork and are totally unresponsive.

My attorney wants another hearing, but I’m praying for another way out. I have spent over $50K and am flat broke. His child support was reduced by 42% and I am responsible for the mortgage.  I was a stay-at-home mom and had to find a job in the 2008 economy.  So I had to take what I could get. What options do I have at this point?

MaryAnn

Answer:

Dear MaryAnn,

I cannot give you legal advice as I am not an attorney and matrimonial laws change from state to state, province to province.

Options?  You either resolve to move forward by learning how to let go of the past or stay stuck where you are. I know it sounds simple but it really does come down to that.  What do you want your life to look like in one year and what will it take you to get there?  Concentrate on  what is under your control because we need to let go of the things that we cannot control and for the most part, we can only control how we choose to handle a situation/challenge.  Remember the serenity prayer?  If not, look it up on line and use it as your blueprint.

Start making small steps toward your goal. In addition, take good care of yourself by exercising and perhaps taking up yoga to reduce the effects of stress on your mind and body.  Make that commitment to yourself because you need all the resources you can get your hands on now.

There are always different ways of doing things and options to solving a problem.  If what you have been doing is not serving you then try doing things differently.  Reduce the occurrences of thing that upset you and increase the things that make you feel good.

Hope this helps.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Are no-fault divorce laws in the best financial interest of women? Not according to the study below.

In the late 1980s, several states set up task forces to study gender bias in the courts. For example, in Colorado, one section of the task force was charged with the area of divorce. It studied cases taken directly from the court files. The parameters were that

1. The marriage have lasted 12 years or longer,
2. The case be decided by a judge as opposed to being settled out of court, and
3. There was a minimum of $10,000 in positive net worth.

There were 28 cases in the year previous to the study that matched the above parameters. Out of 28 cases, the average length of marriage was 20.5 years. At the time of divorce, the average age of the wife was 44, the husband, 45. Eleven of the 28 families had net assets of less than $50,000 at the time of divorce and ten had net assets of $100,000 or more.

At the time of the court order, the wife’s average net worth was slightly greater than the husband’s, because she was usually given less of the marital debt. Within four years of the divorce, however, the wife’s projected net worth declined by 25 percent while the husband’s nearly doubled. Within eight years of the divorce, the wife will have a negative net worth while the husband’s projected net worth is approximately $200,000.

In gathering data, besides looking at the court files, the Colorado task force interviewed many divorced men and women. One woman told her story about the alimony award after 38 years of marriage during which she was not employed. The judge ordered her husband to pay her $300 per month for two years. He awarded the house, appraised at $160,000, to the wife, and all the other assets, including a retirement fund, to the husband, saying, “Mother has been out of the work force, and if we gave her all that money she wouldn’t know how to handle it.”

Another woman told the Colorado task force that she had been awarded a tractor as part of the property settlement but her ex-husband refused to deliver it. She had tried for four years to get the original order enforced, without success. One district judge gave her former husband permission to continue using the tractor. When her lawyer objected, the judge asked her what she was going to do with the tractor.

The Washington State Task Force on Gender and Justice in the Courts found that only 10% of all wives being divorced were awarded alimony and the average amount was $432 per month for an average length of 2.6 years. The national average as of spring 1986 had 15 percent of wives receiving an average of $329 per month.

On Sunday Governor Patterson signed into law, no-fault divorce laws in New York State. In a statement after signing the new bill Paterson said that fault divorce laws, “harmed the interests of those persons — too often women — who did not have sufficient financial wherewithal to protect their legal rights.”

I know that over twenty years have passed since the above study but not much has changed as far as the long-term financial impact of divorce on women. One of the few states where a woman did have a fighting chance in divorce court was New York State. Thanks to new no-fault divorce laws, those women can now join the others of us who have been victimized by no-fault divorce laws.

When will legislators learn that it isn’t the law that is the problem, it is the system one has to deal with after filing for divorce. Too bad laws can’t be passed to monitor how civil and respectful we are to each other throughout the divorce process.

Question:

Dear Shelley:

My husband of 30 years wants a divorce.  He arrived at this decision after he had an affair and I decided I wanted to separate to take time to heal.  During that time he was also placed on lithium and anti-depression meds.

He recently went off the meds and began attacking me via the legal system and our joint businesses.  He has become very mean.

I know he loves me but I believe this is partially about money, control, manipulation and a mid life crisis.  Sometimes I think he might eventually want to come back……

1) How do I let go when I have to deal with him everyday for work? And,

2) How can I keep him from hurting me?  I can NOT walk away from the business if I ever want to see my investment.

Cara

Answer:

Dear Cara,

The question becomes, do you want to let go?  You say you know he loves you and yet you also mention that he had an affair, is very mean and is attacking you via the legal system.  What is wrong with this picture?