In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

Many single moms don’t realize the abundance of services available to them. Below is a list of resources you may find handy if you are experiencing economic difficulties.

1. WIC (Women Infant Children): WIC provides food and nutritional education for the expectant mother and then her child up to age five. This is an income based program yet the standard of income level is relatively high so a great number of people qualify. As any parent knows the price of formula that their infant needs can be staggering; WIC provides the parent with the means to support and nourish a growing child.

2. EBT (Food Stamps): The days of handing over a vast array of “coupons” or food stamps is over. There is now an EBT card which is much like a credit card. Depending on the amount that you qualify for money is appropriated to your account monthly. When you go to the grocery store to purchase food you swipe your EBT card, put in your PIN number and voila you’re finished!

3. AFDC (Aid To Family’s With Dependent Children): This federally funded program finically assists parents who have children under the age of 18 living in the home and be income requirements. The amount awarded monthly is based on the amount of income coming into the household. There is now, with current regulations a five year lifetime assistance policy. In other words if you receive aid from the program after the fifth year services will be shut off completely.

4. The Health Department: This service provides free of cost services for your child such as immunizations, medication for head lice, and much more. For the mother, Planned Parenthood provides regular pap smears and birth control. There are many more services that the Heath Department provides but is contingent upon your local office. Call your local office to see what other services are provided for you and your child.

5. Medicaid: Is a federally funded type of insurance for the low income family. With Medicaid you can go to the doctor if you’re sick or if your child is sick. Thankfully, this service also gives the benefit of visiting your local dentist and providing regular cleanings for your child.
With this wonderful service single moms with children with disabilities are often able to take care of their child.

6. Low Income Housing: Hud housing does not just assist first time low income home buyers. They also assist helping individuals find low income renting solutions in your local community. Visit Hud.com for more information as how you may qualify.

7. Head Start: Head start was created with the thought of giving an academic head start to the child of a low income family. Here your child will begin at the age of three learning the basics of reading, writing and math. When beginning kindergarten with two years of head start behind them the five year old fairs much better than those who had no “formal” preschool according to many statistics. Call your local chapter of head start and get your child on the path to a brighter future.

Make sure that when you call your local aid services you ask about college tuition, day care assistance, and help with electricity bills.

So I’ve finally reached the point where I’m not totally embarrassed of the fact that I’ve been living in Low-Income Hell since March; that’s when my ex-husband lost his job and my child AND spousal support went up in smoke – overnight.

It’s been hard.  REALLY hard.  I’ve laid awake many a night stressing over how me and the kids would get by this summer.  From the get-go, it made no sense to me to return to work full-time after eight years of being a stay-at-home mom; any income generated would barely pay for my (devastated) kids to be in full-time day care.  Instead I’ve buckled down, gotten creative, asked for help and stretched my meagre Emergency Fund money a really long way.  And you know what I just realized?  School is just around the corner – and I DID it:  I made sure my kids had a darn good summer despite everything  AND I was there for them every step of the way (patting Self on back). 

I have been humbled tremendously by this experience.  And believe me, I’m still not out of the financial dump yet.  But this experience has made me see how I’ve taken so much for granted.  I’ve discovered joys and blessings and a whole new sense of gratitude for what I DO have.  And in the big picture, I can see how, on a global level, this recession is creating a positive lifestyle change that is much-needed for our environment.

Truly, these past five months have been about SURVIVAL.  I’ve had to extend myself in many new ways while wrestling with my mountain of fears.  Thus, I wanted to share some of ways I’ve skinned back on my expenses and minimized my kids’ suffering  in case any of you are braving Low-Income Hell, like me:

1)      I applied for subsidized programs and activities for the kids.  Please see this article where I outline how to find them in your community so your kids can still do sports.

2)      Use kijiji.com or kijiji.ca to make postings on items you need, but can’t afford.  It could be anything from a lawn mower to kids’ sporting equipment.

3)      Sell anything you don’t need on E-bay – jewellery, books, children’s toys, electronics, even maternity bras.  Check them out, you’ll be surprised.

4)      Change grocery stores.  My grocery shopping is now a two-hour venture instead of one, but the savings I receive at Superstore verses Safeway or Coop are immense.

5)      I cancelled ALL ‘extras’ – no more babysitters, no vitamins, no filtered water by the gallon, no taking the kids to the movies or out for dinner, etc.

6)      I asked some still-employed friends for hand-me-down clothes for the kids; they’d have gone to Good Will anyways, which is what I always did back in ‘The Day.’

7)      I gave up all my extras – no more gym membership (walks in the park work just as well), no new clothes, no dinners out (except for tea).  As for my vanity, I gave up hair cuts and replaced full highlights with but six foils across the top.  Talk to your hairdresser – she’ll advise you on ways you can save.

8)      I stopped feeding every kid in the neighbourhood when they played at my house.  This was a big one for me – I’ve always loved how the kids congregate at my house; feeding them was my pleasure.  Sometimes I still whip out the apron and bake something simple cause it’s still cost effective.

9)      Unplugging everything electronic is now simply a natural part of my night time routine.

10)  I changed and reduced my phone plans.

11)  I read blogs like Suddenly Frugal to learn about other great ways to save.

One other important thing:  I’ve explained, and continue to explain, my financial situation to my young kids, aged 8,7,and 5.   I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t want to frighten them.  But I needed them to understand that changes were underway and that they’d be required to help out.  On their initiative, they then went out and started doing REALLY small jobs for neighbours (ie: collecting their mail) to try and earn money.   Their efforts only lasted a day – but bless their tender young hearts, they tried to give it to me (though of course, I didn’t accept!)

Blessings and abundance to you all.  Let’s hope this ebb ends soon and the flow comes on strong! 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Sexual Adventure: Less Than A Bump & A Grind

Not Looking For Love

Why Say Mean Things?

Have harsh financial times fallen upon your divorced family?  Are you worried your kids will have to go without sports activities, day camps, trips to the zoo, etc. this summer?

Because of the recession, many of you are struggling to put food on the table, let alone pay for fun summer camps/programs for your children.  But I’m writing this article to give you hope – many organizations offer fee assistance, and you and your kids may be eligible.

I live in Calgary Alberta, so the proceeding info applies mainly to Canadians. But chances are excellent that financial support is available in various forms in the United States as well. You just need to know where/how to look for it. Please use my prompts as guidelines. If you know of any other resources for single parents in these circumstances, please add them in the Comments Section of this blog.

1. Check with your city’s sports and recreation centers.
By googling “city of Calgary” and “fee assistence recreation”, I quickly discovered that my city offers a subsidized program for low-income families. This program provides free use of their city-wide, recreation centre facilities for up to 40 visits within one year’s time. They also offer reduced rates for the city’s recreation programs – we’re talking 10% of the cost for programs such as dance, swimming, martial arts, even skating. This 10% cost ALSO applies to DAY CAMPS. They also provide a few free passes to city attractions whose memberships or day rates you can’t afford, ie, The Calgary Zoo.

To apply you must complete their required application forms and provide proof of your financial circumstances, ie: bank statements, child/spousal payments, monthly bills including utilities, mortgage/rent, insurance etc. For circumstances that are more difficult to explain, you can also enclose a personal letter that details your family’s situation.

2. Check your local YMCA Chapter
The YMCA offers severely reduced membership and program costs to families in need, which are valid for three months (after which you can reapply if necessary). Their financial assistance applies to day camps and all registered programs and sports activities as well.

The YMCA in Calgary does interviews on a walk-in basis for anyone who wants to apply. You simply need to look at their interview times online and bring in the documents/household bills they request. A YMCA representative will sit down with you, review your situation, and decide based on your numbers, the kind of discount you’re eligible to receive.

3. KidSport Canada
KidSport Canada is all about making sure that ALL kids have the opportunity to participate and grow through sports involvement. They have chapters in most major cities in Canada. Each family is eligible to receive $400 for each child during a calendar year that can be applied to sports, required equipment, and even travel to/from the activities.

4. Talk to other parents
Through talking to an acquaintance, a friend of mine found out about subsidized day camps at the Calgary Science Centre. Turned out this acquaintance had some clout and was able to get my friend’s kids in a week-long day camp for FREE.

* One final note: Your financial circumstances may feel embarrassing to you, hence you don’t want to bring it up with other people. But remember – everyone goes through tough times. Everyone. Right now during this recession, thousands of other families are in the same shoes as you.
At the end of the day, this is about minimizing the effects of this tough time on our kids and allowing them the enjoyment and learning of sports. I applaud all of these organizations and those who donate to their causes. I think we’d all prefer our kids to be doing sports, than being bored and up to no-good at the local 7/11.

Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com