“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

In addition to my law practice, I am a yoga teacher and run a yoga teacher training program. I started yoga back in 1998 after asking another attorney in my office what she was doing to achieve her zen-like attitude and healthy fit body. Since that time, the practice has progressively helped me handle the challenge of my sometimes unavoidably adversarial profession as well as learn to better handle personal stressors and my relationships with others.

Amy Weintraub is the director of the LifeForce Yoga Healing Institute and a leader in the field of yoga and mental health. She is the author of Yoga for Depression* and has lectured extensively at universities and wellness institutes throughout the United States and internationally. She has also trained many psychotherapists and other health professionals in employing yogic techniques in private and group talk therapy sessions, and is currently working on her book Yoga Tools for You and Your Client**. She recently returned from India, where she was a presenter at the first international conference examining yoga’s impact on health and social wellness.

Ms. Weintraub distinguishes yoga from other forms of exercise on mental and physical levels. She points out that on a physical level, yoga focuses on present body sensation and breath. Yoga is distinct from other forms of exercise in that it emphasizes breath work and ones’ thoughts as integrated with physical movements.

Jill Camera, head of vinaysa (flow) yoga at Yoga Sutra in New York City where I currently teach, further explains that yoga encourages you to concentrate on your own well-being which, in turn, helps you handle how you react to others. Ms. Camera also points out that yoga reminds you that you cannot change another person’s bad behavior, but that it can help you learn to push aside repetitive thoughts and compulsive bad habits.

Ms. Camera adds that couples who both practice yoga can more easily work through a break-up process, and notes that two of the Ashtanga teachers at Yoga Sutra, Constanza and Arthur Roldin, are not only amicably divorced, but continue to teach Mysore (self-led Ashtanga) class in tandem.

In fact, recent studies back Weintraub and Camera’s claims. One study found yoga improves mood, self-esteem and better emotional regulation***. Additionally, Ohio State University conducted a study in 2010 that found that yoga lowered stress levels more than other forms of exercise****. That study has been cited by, among others, the National Institutes of Health and Mayo Clinic to encourage people under stress to practice yoga.

On a philosophical level, yogis believe that each individual is “whole,” and that we can learn to better deal with trauma, stress and anger by understanding that our troubles do not define us. Ms. Weintraub explains that people will still feel the pain of divorce, but that they can employ thought strategies that allow those negative feelings to pass through their minds as opposed to constantly constricting them.

Ms. Weintraub also notes that group practice settings have great benefits for those suffering an emotional loss or crisis. “There’s something wonderful about sangha (the community) of like-hearted and like-minded human beings. If you can go into a class where you see the same people, there’s a sense of connection. Yogis believe that a source of our suffering is the false belief that we’re separate, alone and isolated.”

There are many forms of yoga that incorporate a wide-range of techniques, ranging from gentle breath work and body movements, to chanting mantras and dharma talks (a public discourse by a Buddhist teacher), to vigorous physical movements with little or no emphasis on spiritually-based talks.

Ms. Weintraub notes that if you go to a yoga class and you don’t like it, try another form. “If you walk out of a class feeling bad or worse, that’s not yoga. Feel the connection or try to discover another teacher or community. Find a teacher that accepts you where you are and inspires you to deepen your connection to yourself and others.”

Most people have to deal with challenging child care and financial issues after a break-up and cannot afford to go on a year- long yogic quest for self-identity after divorce like Julia Roberts character in Eat, Pray, Love. The movie justifiably received an intense backlash from those who found it trite and unrealistically self-indulgent for the masses going through divorce.

However, many yogis and studios practice karma yoga (selfless service), and offer discounted or free yoga classes. In fact, Michelle Williams is so grateful for yoga’s healing powers after the loss of Heath Ledger that she recently started a program called Yoga For Single Moms Project, which offers free yoga classes and simultaneous child care to single parents. (www.yogaforsinglemoms.com). Many studios such as San Francisco’s The Sun Room at Mission Yoga are donation based. (www.missionyoga.com). Also, stores such as Lululemon offer weekly free community classes (www.lululemon.com) and inexpensive passbooks exist that gain annual access to hundreds of free yoga classes in major cities such as Los Angeles, Chicago and New York. (www.health-fitness.org).

*Broadway Books, 2004.
**Norton Professionals, publication in 2012.
***This study was presented at the January, 2011 conference attended by Ms. Weintraub and was conducted by Sat Bir Singh Khalsa, Ph.D., Dir. Of Research for the Kundalini Research Inst., Research Dir. For the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, and assistant professor at Harvard medical School at Brigham and Women’s Hospital.
****Kiecolt-Glaser JK, Christian L, Preston H, et al. Stress, Inflammation, and yoga practice. Psychosomatic Medicine. Feb. 2010.

*Previously published on The Huffington Post

Author Bio: Liz Mandarano is a partner at the law firm Bikel & Mandarano, LLP. She initially practiced law as a prosecutor with Dade County State Attorney’s Office in Miami, Florida. In 1998, she commenced practicing in civil litigation in New York. She has tried numerous cases to verdict and has represented clients in State, Federal and Family Courts. She has lectured on the admissibility of expert testimony and is the co-author of Active Use of Spoliation, published by the Defense Research Institute.

I signed up for the Warrior Dash last week.

The Warrior Dash is a 3-mile cross country foot-race that involves obstacles like a mud pit with barbed wire overhead, a pond with logs to clamor over and a line of fire crossing the path to the finish line. I think it was the flames that made it most appealing.  My 15-year-old daughter will be joining me, though I suspect I will only see her at the starting line and after crossing the finish.

Signing up really doesn’t make sense for me. I am not in any kind of racing shape – light years away from the strong, lithe, athlete I was in college when I thought my body and my dreams would never decay.

I do yoga and walk my dog, but I think a race that includes hopping over a series of walls and leaping across floating platforms involves a lot more than that. I definitely could have found other things to do with the $100 registration fees, but somehow, after hearing a description of the event, the urge to sign-up was irresistible.

I need to reacquaint myself with my inner warrior.

At one time, we were inseparable companions. We rode horses bareback across bumpy pastures, pretending to be Indian princesses. We raced through cross country courses with long spikes and sharp elbows, and we pulled on a backpack and set out on the Appalachian Trail all alone. We were brave and daring and dashing.

Somehow along the way, we lost contact. I didn’t hear from her as much and  my life became less dashing, more about seatbelts and insurance policies. I got married and became a mother. I focused on my career and  keeping my house clean. Then my marriage faltered and fell apart. I no longer heard the voice of my inner warrior-girl.

Just a few weeks ago, someone mentioned the Warrior Dash to me, and I remembered  my old friend. I thought I heard her whisper to me, speaking soft words about challenge and bravery heart and joy. It was hard to clearly understand her.

And yet, the urge to sign up for the race was there. Running through mud and flames doesn’t feel like anything after going through a divorce. Those things are tangible, visible obstacles standing between me and the cool t-shirt. They don’t sneak up from behind and grab your ankles, dragging you down into a mire of frustration and depression. They are conquerable objects rather than things that must be endured and moved through.

Furthermore, with this challenge, I am in control. On that particular day in May, for 3 miles, I will know that hard things are facing me and I will need strength and stamina to get through them. I have time to prepare. It’s up to me to get in shape and build my wind back up. Whether or not I run the whole way or walk after the first hundred yards is totally in my control.

My Warrior-Girl is speaking to me once more. She tells me to go out the door at 5:30 a.m. to run up and down the road. She reminds me that an extra cookie might not be a good idea and she pushes me to do an extra pushup in morning yoga. At first her voice was quiet, way back and low. Now I hear her more loudly and more clearly.

So, we will go to the starting line together again. Whether we will run or walk, I don’t know. What I do know is it feels good to be reacquainted with my friend Warrior Girl and I hope on that day in May, she is shouting with joy.

Author Bio: Robin Dake is a writer and photographer living in North Georgia with two daughters and a dog. She holds a journalism degree from the University of Georgia and writes about a wide variety of topics from women’s issues to parenting tips. She was the recipient of two news writing awards from the Georgia Association of Broadcasting in 2008.

Believe it or not, feeling unhappy and like you’re a victim is a way of feeling alive. It may be a negative emotion, but at least you’re feeling something. And if you get in the habit of this, it becomes a way of being….always finding something to be upset about, hurt by, insulted by, injured from, etc.

One would think that no one would choose to experience pain and drama instead of happiness and peace, but people do. And from my perspective, they choose the pain because it makes them FEEL something….and when they FEEL something, they are able to feel alive.

People who operate like this do not know how to be at peace/happy and feel alive. Being happy feels boring and mundane to them – because there is no drama going on, no intensity, no excitement, and no fevered pitch to their life.

If you or someone you know lives in a state of constant drama, trauma, chaos and suffering, it IS possible to change. It’s not going to happen overnight though. It will take time, and you will have to learn how to enjoy happiness and other positive emotions, to really feel the fullness and excitement that comes with feeling GOOD.

And of course, I’m going to share some first steps with you – the first one is to begin by noticing when you are in the drama, in the pain, in the chaos, and feeling like a victim….just notice (perhaps by saying to yourself, “Oh, here I am again, in the middle of the drama and hurt. Isn’t it interesting that I keep living in this place?”).

By bringing your awareness to the situation, over and over again, you are raising your consciousness around your choices. You are making a mental note of how often this situation occurs in your life.

The second step, after noticing, is to tell yourself, “I can choose differently”. I can choose to be at peace and feel good.” Say this without judgment or criticism….just as you would state a fact. Say it with neutrality, so there is no harsh tone in your voice.

Continue to do these two things: 1) noticing, and 2) commenting on your ability to choose. You WILL see changes beginning to take place….they may be slight at first, and then gradually they will become more significant.

The third step is to recognize when you are feeling good, and really ENJOY how it feels. Allow yourself to recognize the sweetness, the simplicity, the peace, the absence of pain and drama, and begin to identify these positive feelings as desirable, enjoyable, and pleasant.

You can change this dynamic – from being someone who “hurts so good” in order to feel alive, to someone who enjoys and even thrives on feeling great.

Author Bio: Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and Life Mentor – her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise works with clients via private consultations, either in person or over the phone. With a diverse background in business, marketing and teaching, Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity. Be sure to subscribe for free to receive Elise’s blog in your inbox daily.

…there’s gotta be a pony around here somewhere!!

I certainly can’t take credit for this wise, yet humorous saying…but I do enjoy how it speaks directly to the matter. When things appear to be horrible, unbearable, challenging and dark, we have a hard time remembering that there is a pony (a gift) to be found.

In most cases, it takes much passing of time, coupled with reflective hindsight, before we begin to glimpse the benefit or gift that came with the difficulties. But I’m guessing that you’ve experienced this – having a very challenging life experience that you thought was just the worst, only to look back years later and see a true blessing that came along with it.

I’m not saying that the blessing makes the challenge any easier – even with hindsight, the pain can still be present. A good example that I’ve seen over and over is when a parent loses a child to illness or some other calamity. And then that parent becomes an advocate to help others – perhaps raising awareness and funds to combat the disease, or educating parents about safety issues regarding their children.

Out of the pain and trauma, these courageous parents have found the “pony”…and have chosen to channel their energies and emotions into helping others. They chose not to stay mired in the pain and tragedy….and instead created change and took proactive action in honor of their child’s memory.

I’ve heard it said that our scars remind us of where we’ve been, but they don’t have to dictate where we’re going. And so it is that every experience we’ve had in life has helped to mold, shape and even carve us into who we are today. Without those challenging experiences in our lives, we wouldn’t have the strength, the resiliency, the compassion and empathy that we now have.

I just reconnected with some high school friends whom I haven’t talked to in decades. One in particular is going through a tough time in her life…and I reminded her that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel…even when we can’t see it at the moment.

When life seems dark and difficult, it really helps to remember that the light is there….and we WILL come out of the darkness. We will eventually see past the pile of manure….. and remember to look around for the pony.

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and Life Mentor – her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life — http://www.EliseOnLife.com. Elise works with clients via private consultations, either in person or over the phone.

Have you chosen to relax today? I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago, she told me she “needed to relax.” Ah, yes I replied, “so do I.”  And the conversation continued, both of us coming up with the many reasons we needed to relax. Neither of us realizing that relaxation is a choice we can make.

I am constantly working toward meeting some goal I’ve set for myself. You know that list of things to do we all wake up to every morning.  Rarely do I add “relax” to my list! But shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t one of the goals I set for myself daily be to work toward serenity?

After asking myself this question I started doing some research on different relaxation techniques.  I came across an article on meditation but wanted to quickly dismiss it. I have a 101 and one things flying through my mind at any given moment, I didn’t see how attempting to quiet all those thoughts could be the least bit relaxing.

I gave it a shot though and much to my surprise it was easier than I had imagined.  The article called the technique I tried “conscious relaxation.”  You start by paying attention to your breathing…inhale deeply, exhale slowly.

The effort to focus completely on breathing took my mind away from the “mind clutter” and left me feeling calm.  I found that with repeated effort the goal of clearing my mind – to think of nothing, did occur and the process of meditation took on its own energy. The result was, and I guarantee this, peace, serenity, calmness and eventually opening yourself to new insights.

I painted my toenails last week.

At one time, I kept red polish on my toes – bright red, happy red. I had tried other colors, but kept coming back to red.

At one time, I sparkled.

But somehow, in this last year, as my 18-year marriage crumbled, cleaved, then ended, I lost my sparkle and I stopped painting my toes.

At first, it was just putting off the repair. I noticed a few chips on the edges and thought, ‘I need to fix that, ‘but never got to it. The chips got bigger and my toes now needed a full-out re-do. They needed to be stripped down to bareness, filed smooth, then lovingly repainted.

By summer, the nails themselves were raggedy, but I didn’t have the energy to lift an emery board, much less gather the polish remover, lotion and cotton balls.

In yoga class – the class I joined to learn to breathe in the year there was no breath – my chipped and sad toes mocked me. They shouted that I must be a failure because I couldn’t even keep my toes neat and presentable. I couldn’t hear it then, but there was another voice speaking softly, saying, ‘it’s okay, love your raggedy toes now and know you will be okay.’

As the months went by that voice did get louder and I was able to accept that I was a girl whose toes were no longer painted red. I could do downward dog without trying to avert my eyes from my toes and I soon found myself looking at polish colors in the drugstore aisle.

In October, I unearthed the toenail clipper and neatened things up. I stripped away the last of the red and left it at that. I wore patent leather shoes to court that day, but underneath the shine, my toes remained unfiled and naked.

The cold that came in during the last part of November made me keep socks on my feet almost all the time. They were thick, fleece socks – blue with polka dots – that muffled the cold snaking around my toes. I only caught a glimpse of them as I showered and dressed before I sought out that fleecy warmth and protection again.

A friend gave me perfumed lotion for Christmas, and after a moment of listening to the inner voice that loves me, I slather it on my feet and ankles, enjoying the luxury and softness. And finally, I dug out the polish. I gently filed and smoothed those nails, then put that polish on stroke by stroke.  My toes wiggled with contentment.

The polish is not fire engine red, but instead a soft, pearled pink.  It doesn’t sparkle, but it does glow. Today, I breathe again.

I may not make it to back to fire engine red, but I suspect one day, I may just try purple.

Author Bio: Robin Dake is a writer and photographer living in North Georgia. She holds a journalism degree from the University

Being a stepparent is tough.  Really tough. You want to keep your spouse happy, their kids happy, your kids happy (if you have some biological kids) and usually anyone else that comes within three feet of you happy. Admit it… you’re the one in the family that’s taking care of everyone – except yourself.

If you keep running and running, making sure that the whole world is happy and forget yourself, you are going to burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself.

Time to Relax

How do you unwind from a busy day? Is it by taking a bath, reading a favorite novel, drinking a cup of herbal tea or a glass of red wine? Do you loosen up after a workout at the gym or a walk through the neighborhood? If you are saying to yourself that you don’t have time for these things, you’re wrong. You don’t have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Even if you have to write them on your “to do” list, just do it.

Time to Rejuvenate

What gives you strength? Is it talking on the phone to a friend, going to a funny movie, or shopping at the mall? Figure out what activities you truly enjoy doing and make time to do these things, too. Figure out a time, at least 1-2 times a month, to schedule something special just for you.

Time for Respect

If you are always the one saying, “Go ahead, I’ll clean up” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t want any, you can have a second helping” or “You can have this seat.   I can see if I turn my head, at an angle, around the really tall man in front of us”…  How can others respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

At birthdays, when your family asks, “What can we get you?” – think about it, and give them a thoughtful list. You are a precious, unique person. Treat yourself that way!  Do you want your daughter or son to treat themselves as someone who always comes in last place, gives up the good seats, the last bite of special food? No, of course not.

Time to Remember

Create a box, drawer or file to keep remembrances. Put cards (birthday, mother’s day, anniversary, thank-you notes) – anything you receive into this box.  If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your remembrance box.  Periodically, go through your box and read these compliments and praises.

Time for Yourself

You’re worth it!  Make time for yourself. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, soul and body.  Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

A few days ago, I spent a few hours with a woman I’m just getting to know. We sat at her kitchen table, chatting about a little of this and a little of that. Of course we talked about our children. She has two teen girls about the same age as my teen boys. In fact, they attend the same school.

What else did we have in common?

We’re the same age, we’ve been divorced the same number of years, we’re both professionals – and we’ve both experienced single parenting after unexpected layoffs.

We sipped our Côtes du Rhône, nibbled on stuffed olives, and we talked about men. But for all our commonalities, there were clear differences.

“The three of us work,” she explained, referring to herself and her daughters as a cohesive family unit. “I never wanted to bring someone else into that mix, and throw things off.”

I understood where she was coming from. My children have always been my priority, and I make no bones about that. They were still little when I divorced, and as a single mother I never wanted to be the revolving door. I had a friend who was exactly that, and I watched what it did to her kids over the years. I wanted my boys to have stability.

And then my hostess said, “I’m content not dating. I don’t really miss men.”

She seemed genuine in her remarks, and I found myself baffled and envious at the same time. Sexual desire doesn’t disappear at 40 or 50 or 60 for that matter. It remains a vital part of life, for some of us more than others. And the fact is, while I’m comfortable alone, I am not content, and I do miss men.

But it’s more than wanting a man in my bed. I’d like a man in my life – knowing full well that any man won’t do.

What about you? Are you content in your own? Is a life without a man a blessing, a curse, or something in between?

© D A Wolf / BigLittleWolf.

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

I’ve always believed it’s healthier to stay single for awhile after divorce verses throwing ourselves into another serious relationship; divorce is a huge life transition and requires time to process.

But while lunching with some girlfriends this past weekend, Hali, my best friend warned: “I think people have to be careful not to get too used to being on their own after divorce. I was only single again for six months, and already I was thinking in terms of MY space, MY things, and doing things MY way.”

My other girlfriend Nikki, 38, and never married, agreed: “I’ve been single so long, I know I’m set in my ways. Sometimes I question if I could ever live with a man…”

Afterward, I started wondering: If we go years without another partner after divorce, are we at risk of becoming too independent – too set in our ways? Does our age have bearing? Does it cause us to be more rigid and habitual?

I’ve grown accustomed to living without a man these past two years. And I like having the closet and dresser to myself. And I like the down-time I have on my own – I think most people do.

But I don’t think I’m becoming ‘rigid’ in my ways – if anything, meeting the changing needs and schedules of my three kids keep me supple, not to mention my work schedule! I think all I’ve done since I got divorced is adapt, so I’ll do just fine some day with a man!

Maybe it’s a lot harder if you’ve been solo a long time and have no kids in the house. I don’t know – I’m not there. So I’ll ask you” Do you think we run the risk of taking ourselves and life too seriously without the ‘chaos’ of other people in our homes?

I like to think that people are adaptive. And I also think that when the right person shares your life and home, he ‘adds’ to your life, not ‘messes it up.’

Then again, maybe I’m too ‘set’ in my thinking. : )

Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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