“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

I find certain words or phrases trip me up; words like “ex” or “divorced.” A friend of mine says he keeps stumbling over pronouns; struggling with me instead of we and mine instead of ours.

At one time, my career included a stint as an on-air news reporter for a local radio station. Being a reporter – asking questions, gathering information, writing stories — all felt familiar. But the on-air part was unlike anything I had ever done. Even having much experience with public speaking did not prepare me for this new game.

When you are reading live for 3 to 5 minutes in a stretch, it is as though your mouth and tongue become their own beings. Some days they work together smoothly and on others, they fight each other. At times, I felt like my tongue was an actual stumbling block and the words had to struggle to get around it.

The sensation is much the same now as I try to use these new words in my life to refer to the man who once was my partner and friend. Now, when I try to explain who my daughters will be spending their afternoon with there is a definite pause in the sentence, “oh, that’s my … ex-husband.”

I suspect it is not only a physical pause, but also an emotional one. That moment is when once again my heart and soul are reminded of the tidal wave that has hit my life and turned everything upside down. It is the remnants of those moments that plagued me for months when I could not speak or move, muted and paralyzed by grief and pain.

So, if that is the case, if it is simply waning hurt, then I think a simple sentence stumble or breathless pause is okay. It means I am healing and it means that one day, I can hope that my tongue will again be nimble and my words will flow like water.

But last night I heard an even better definition of insanity…I saw the movie “Unknown” with Liam Neeson. (I know, I’m behind on my movies.)

At one point his character says, “Do you know what it feels like to be insane?  It’s like a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are.”

Bells went off in my head when I heard him say that!  For throughout my life, those are the times when I truly felt like the world was upside down, like I must be crazy, like nothing made sense, like I couldn’t convey myself clearly — the times when someone else tried to define me, label me, describe me, and it didn’t fit with my own knowing of who I am.

I’m sure at some time in your life, every one of you has had this experience — when your own sense of self ran smack dab into someone else’s idea of you…and the two ideas didn’t mesh.  You felt off kilter, like you woke up one day and found the sky was green — it felt like something was horribly wrong and you couldn’t right it.

For when you try to explain to the other person who you really are, they can’t hear you.  Why?  Well, because they have already formed their own (incorrect) picture of you, and (in most cases) are not able or willing to change it…even if it’s wrong.  It’s enough to make you feel crazy…and thus its appropriateness as a definition of insanity.

Experts say that we form a first impression within 10 seconds of meeting another person, and that it takes many more experiences with that person to alter a first impression.  In addition, our perception of others is affected by our own life experiences — in other words, the lens we look through is unique to us and will color what we see.  This explains why it can be so hard to get someone else to see you for who you really are.

And then if you add, on top of that, the fact that many people aren’t being themselves — meaning that they are not expressing their authentic self 24/7/365 in all situations — it’s no wonder we don’t feel truly seen or heard.  And this creates the sensation of a disconnect: between what someone tells us we are and who we know we are.

What we can learn from this is that it’s important to share who you really are, AND be prepared that others still may not see you accurately.  Know that if you are being real, then it’s not personal — it has to do with their lens and what they choose to see or not see, and that’s not something you can control or change.

And if you want to feel sane, hang around with people who really can see you as you are, and who appreciate you for who you are and for who you are becoming.  It’s amazing how great it feels to be with people who get you!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Why is it that some people can move on happy, while others walk around bitter and angry many years postdivorce?

It’s not necessarily the decisions you make, but how you

learn to live with them

There is one thing for certain and that is, there is no looking back. All I and everyone around me wants, is to be “happy”. What does happiness really mean, and how do we realize this goal? What I’ve learned is that life is a journey. It is a rocky road full of bends and bumps and lots of uncertainty. But, if you allow it to be so, it can be exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, enjoyable, adventurous and fulfilling. The challenge is to make the choices that lead us to this place of “happiness” while enjoying the ride life offers.

Waiting for Perfection

If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be waiting forever. Just the other day, someone sent me an email with a picture of four skeletons sitting around a table playing cards……were these unhappy people waiting for something or someone to come into their lives to make them happy? Were they waiting for that perfect time for their happiness to arrive? This picture, made me realize that if you wait, you’ll be waiting forever. Any result that is truly worthwhile needs to be worked at.

Is the ever searching answer for

happiness really possible?

Can people actually be single post divorce and be happy? If they are then how do they achieve this reality? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets? Just follow these few simple steps and poof a new you, easily transformed while you sleep. Ha! Not likely. Maybe you think that the illusive goal of happiness only exists when you find that perfect mate; your knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress. Well, you’re single and that image you had of “happily ever after” needs to be reworked. It is possible; it’s just not the cliché.

Life postdivorce is a journey

into the unknown

Not realizing at the time, I had embarked on an adventure with some mysterious destination yet to be determined. I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities and on the way I have become a very different person. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today, with the person I was while married or even while I was in my 20’s. I’ve changed. I now have straight hair when I had curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. In reality though, the changes have become significantly more than just physical.

This much I can say for sure; I had to do something when I realized that life would pass me by if I just waited for that perfect mate. Not growing, my life could be summed up in a five minute conversation!

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children, an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. How did I gain such a rich life? I certainly did not have this when I separated. It was with a lot of hard work and desire to be happy.

Tips on Becoming a Happy Divorcée

As the “title of this piece suggests” according to happy divorcee, co-author Cathy Greenberg, an expert on the new science of happiness, AND co-author of the “What Happy Know Brands, LLC book series, happiness can be found in all aspects of our lives. Both good and not so good.

While researching my next book on divorce I came across “What Happy Women Know” and was fortunate to speak with co-author and behavioral scientist Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. who shared this wisdom from her own “experience” with divorce that we can all use for achieving happiness postdivorce:

With every ending comes a new beginning but often our culture does not provide the “rituals” we need to close one door as we open another. We know how to celebrate birth, engagements, marriage and even death. Too often however, we are not familiar with how to deal with “less than positive” outcomes like divorce. I always look for the opportunity in everything. A divorce can bring new freedom to examine your life, a new job, or to learn new things. Divorce can help you understand what to do differently in the future and how to build on your strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. The secret is to think positive and stay out of the “negative looping” our brains are famous for. When I went through my own divorce I learned that I could count on myself because I focused on the “positive” about me. My strength was not only important for my wellbeing but for my daughter as well. I knew that the memory of my divorce would be painful, but the resilience I had as I looked at the future was infallible. I always had me, my gifts and my abilities to count on no matter what. I always look back at my divorce as an opportunity to learn more about the best in me.

For more tips on the science of happiness and becoming a happy divorcee check out these books:

What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better by Dan Baker, Cathy Greenberg, and Ina Yalof

What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com

One of the scariest things about divorce is that, like or not, ready or not, it calls us to look within ourselves and seriously ask:  NOW what?  Who do I want to be right now and in the next phase of my life?  In work, love, home, family, health and so on, what do I REALLY want? 

On a quest to authentically answer these questions, I’ve read many different self-help books.  I’ve also devoted a lot of time to positive affirmations, gratitude journaling, and even (some) meditation.  As a believer in the power of visualization and the law of attraction, each year I’ve also created a ‘vision board’  for myself, where I cut out pictures of the things /people/ situations I wanted to attract into my life, pinned them on this board, and then spent a few minutes every day imagining how I’d feel if those things were mine now.  

A few months ago, however, I was introduced to a powerful new visualization tool called Mind Movies 2.0.   This easy-to-use software - which is being touted as a ‘the next big step’ after the movie, The Secret - enables users to create short visualization videos around what they want to manifest in their life; it’s kind of like a vision board in full motion.   Users can make a mind movie that focuses on one area of their life – relationships, for example – or they can extend it into all other areas, ie, fitness, children, wealth, career, etc.  A full library of images and written affirmations are available to users as they build their movies, or, they can upload or write their own.  Then, to really pack emotional punch to their creation, users can add music to it.

What I really like about Mind Movies 2.0 is that it has helped me clarify / focus on what I want my future to look like – even if it’s just for the short-term.  Cause as I’m sure you well know, as we plow through our divorces, it’s easy to get stuck in the gore and overwhelm of it all.   And it feels wonderful to tip the scales to the positive side; it’s amazing how much more confident and in control I feel by having set some goals,stuck to an action plan, AND begun yielding results!  Don’t they say that most people spend more time planning their vacations than they do their lives? 

Have any of you tried out Mind Movies 2.0?  Do you believe in the power of manifestation and the Law of Attraction, perhaps even more or less so now than you’re divorced?  Please feel free to share any other tools you’ve used thus far that you’ve found pivotal on your divorce journey!

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Three weeks ago, the youngest of my three children started school full time.  And as she disappeared into the school with a brave look on her face, I stood in the school yard waiting for ‘it’ to hit me: sadness…or at least nostalgia.  I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for ten years after all…

But I had tears.  No sadness.  No wanton daydreams of  days gone past.  Instead, all I felt was peace.  Like I was ready for this.  Like it was time to finally HAVE time, and focus on me. 

A part of me insisted that I should be feeling sad - isn’t that how Good, Devoted Moms feel when their babies venture further from the nest?  But I quickly called bologna on that thought train - I know I AM a great mom and always have been, even when my divorce situation was so dire I could hardly afford to put food on the table.

When my kids’ father and I first separated, we both agreed that my being at home with the children was very important.  After all, he worked out of town for large chunks of time.  The kids were accustomed to me always being there, and it was in their best interest I continue to offer them a safe haven, especially as they too, adjusted to the divorce.

But plans changed. ..agendas changed…priorities changed.  And for most of last year, I found myself living below the poverty line with my kids – for it takes two adult parents to value the role of a stay-at-home parent, does it not?

I made a choice at that point, not to return to work.  Cause when I sat down and did the math around potential wages earned verses daycare costs and the emotional cost to my kids, living frugally and ‘going without’ seemed the best option for my children.  Deep inside I always knew that the love and care and TIME I gave them was the greatest gift I could offer them.

We somehow made it through those tough times, in large part due to the amazing support of my family and friends.  My kids came out the other side of it with a new understanding of what it means to be ‘rich’ – that it’s defined not by money alone, but by love, sharing, and counting the many blessings already bestowed upon us.

There’ve been times these past few years since divorcing where I’ve let exciting work opportunities pass me by.  And I felt their lure – God, how a part of me ached to find out who Work Delaine could/would be…  But I swallowed my restlessness, my desire to put me first.  I had made a committment to be with at home with my kids till they were all in school full-time.  And in my heart of hearts, I knew honoring that vow was right for us all.

So as my kids disappeared into their elementary school on that first day,  I think the peace I felt and continue to feel, was well-deserved.  Cause  I’ve worked SO damn hard.  Been tested in SO many ways.  Grown SO much as a Woman and human being for the choices I’ve made.  And Goddamnit, I’ve molded three absolutely AMAZING kids as a result.  So no.  For me, this big life passage is not a time for sadness, but a time to celebrate all that I’ve experienced and accomplished as a mom.  Beyond that, my eyes are straight ahead: I can’t wait to see who Delaine the Career Woman will become…!

A few days ago, I spent a few hours with a woman I’m just getting to know. We sat at her kitchen table, chatting about a little of this and a little of that. Of course we talked about our children. She has two teen girls about the same age as my teen boys. In fact, they attend the same school.

What else did we have in common?

We’re the same age, we’ve been divorced the same number of years, we’re both professionals – and we’ve both experienced single parenting after unexpected layoffs.

We sipped our Côtes du Rhône, nibbled on stuffed olives, and we talked about men. But for all our commonalities, there were clear differences.

“The three of us work,” she explained, referring to herself and her daughters as a cohesive family unit. “I never wanted to bring someone else into that mix, and throw things off.”

I understood where she was coming from. My children have always been my priority, and I make no bones about that. They were still little when I divorced, and as a single mother I never wanted to be the revolving door. I had a friend who was exactly that, and I watched what it did to her kids over the years. I wanted my boys to have stability.

And then my hostess said, “I’m content not dating. I don’t really miss men.”

She seemed genuine in her remarks, and I found myself baffled and envious at the same time. Sexual desire doesn’t disappear at 40 or 50 or 60 for that matter. It remains a vital part of life, for some of us more than others. And the fact is, while I’m comfortable alone, I am not content, and I do miss men.

But it’s more than wanting a man in my bed. I’d like a man in my life – knowing full well that any man won’t do.

What about you? Are you content in your own? Is a life without a man a blessing, a curse, or something in between?

© D A Wolf / BigLittleWolf.

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

At 66 years old, my mom is a real firecracker. This woman has so much energy, she makes 20 year olds look like slugs.  But much more than that, mom is confident.  She’s generous beyond belief.  She’s sexy.  Has taken great care of herself.  And she spends her days either working 10 hour shifts in the hospital or taking care of somebody, some animal or some thing.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my mom is also divorced.  Ten years ago, after 35 years of marriage, my dad left her for another woman.  And not only am I so proud of how she has pulled herself and life together, I am so very grateful – for she has served as an important role model to me during my divorce, in ways that differ from my divorced girlfriends.

My divorced girlfriends have helped me immensely with the nitty gritty of the day-in, day-out baby steps of adjusting to divorce.  We’ve cried, belly-laughed, and shared everything and anything which each other over countless cups of tea (and wine:).  But in witnessing my mom’s divorce, which happened from afar as we live in two different cities, I was given hope.  Her personal tranformations in the aftermath were truly remarkable.  And some part of me thought, ” Hey, if she can go through this in her late fifties and turn it into a positive life experience instead of drowning in it, then why should I do any differently?”

That’s not to say I didn’t see my mom’s pain.  It was excruciating at the beginning.  I remember going grocery shopping with her one day and how she pushed the cart around with this glazed look on her face – it was a look I didn’t understand.  And when she later collapsed on the floor in tears while bringing the grocery bags in, I wept and held her, though I STILL didn’t understand the enormity of her pain….though I did a few years later when it happened to me.

I remember my mom expressing some of her fears to me back then – how she assumed friends would reject her cause she’d be the ‘third wheel.’  How she felt old.  Alone.  The mere  thought of moving out of our large family home was too much for her.  As for dating or a potential relationship with someone new – they weren’t even on her radar.

But with time – oh yes, this blessed healing thing called Time -  she slowly started putting the pieces of her Self and her life together again.  Anew.  It was like watching a grown woman give birth to herself.  She became much more open-minded about so many topics and life issues.  She joined cooking clubs and went out with all the ‘young people’ at work for dinners and drinks.  She started dating – and yes, she even then took a new lover.   And next thing you know, she was talking excitedly about the new home she was having built just for her….

My mom is so abundantly full of life and happiness now.  Her social calendar, between family and friends, is constantly full (so much for being the ‘third wheel’!).  And she is so grateful for what she DOES have - ie: health, money, friends, children and grandbabies – even though that long list doesn’t include a husband at this point in time. 

So I – her daughter – have sat back and watched this Woman – my mom - rise above her former life and become the libertine she is now.  And I think Wow.  Isn’t she something?  And though I wouldn’t wish divorce on any woman in the world, I see how good GREAT things can happen to women after divorce.  The personal growth that can ensue, the new sense of purpose and freedom, the new sense of Self – they really are all ours for the creating. 

But of course we all need the help of a wonderful friend or two along the way.  And as I look back on my journey, I can’t help but feel so grateful – not just for all the support of my amazing girlfriends, but for that which came from my ultimate role model: my mom.  

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Submitted by Delaine

At any point since your marriage ended, have you been inspired to see a tarot card reader or psychic? Cause I have.  A few times, in fact.  I’ve also looked for ‘angel footprints’ and messages from Above – it’s all about needing a bit of faith, isn’t it?  In ourselves, our futures AND the universe we live in?

The first psychic ‘session’ I experienced happened soon after I separated from my husband three years ago.  And the strange thing is, she sought ME out, not vice versa:

I was on my first ever trip to Vegas with six close girlfriends.   One afternoon while shopping with the girls, I drifted off from the pack and wandered  into a clock store (no idea why, I had no interest in clocks!).   As I browsed around, I suddenly sensed I was being watched  – and there she was: a petite, dark-haired woman, standing in the middle of an aisle, staring at me.   She kept staring and staring -  I was beginning to wonder if she was “all there” – when she marched right up to me and hissed:  “I can see your aura!  Trust me, I can see things.  You need to know what I see.” 

“O…K”  I said, looking around uneasily. 

“Two things!” she said.  “One, your aura is so dark!  There are men all around you, bad men, men from your past, men coming at you now.  You need to get rid of all this bad male energy, it’s eating you up inside!”

“O…K” I replied again.  She was kinda making sense…

“Two!”  She stepped in close, looking me in the eyes.  “You are going to write a book! It will bring you great joy and be a great success.  You need to stop worrying about money.  Five years from now your life will look so good!”

And at that, she threw up her hands and scurried out of the store.

I stood there gawking down an empty aisle. “Did that just happen?  Then:  Wow, what a loony!”  Then, “Me, write a book?  As if!”  

But later, when I told my friends what had happened, one friend said,  “Even if she was a nut job Amelia, the universe wanted you to hear her messages.  There are no ‘accidents’ after all…”  

I suddenly felt a bit hopeful – maybe the darkness I was living in would pass…

Fast forward to last week.  My children were on holidays with their Grandma, so I took a much-needed road trip to Kelowna, BC.   I use to live in BC but it was over a decade ago - and the familiar landscape and energy out there stirred something in me… perhaps of the Amelia I used to be before I moved to Calgary, got married, had kids, and well …lost my Self.  

Anyhow, one lovely afternoon, as a meandered down an unknown street in Kelowna,  I suddenly thought, “I’d sure love to have a tarot card reading today.”  But I brushed off the thought - after all, what were the chances?

Yet there she was.  Sitting in the park under a tree.  A sign on her table read “Tarot Readings, $20.”  I sat down right away, the timing was perfect.  And for the next hour, I sat there listening to this lady with the blue eye shadow and unblended foundation, divine my present and future life in startling detail.

After that session, I stood along the boardwalk overlooking the water with tears brewing in my eyes.  Not because of any bad events she forecast, but because of the divine chills I kept feeling throughout our session; because of the loving presence I felt standing over my shoulder; because of the hope I felt caressing and undulating in my heart; because of the peaceful terrain I foresaw and believed to be ahead in my future.

And in that moment, I knew that she, this stranger with the bright blue eye shadow and wise heart,  had given me something I really needed – something that went far beyond what I’d have gotten from a session with a psychologist; that is, a return to the faith that life, and the universe, ARE on my side.  It was time to start remembering the core of who I am, who I use to be – that Gypsy-like Amelia who, a decade ago, was spiritually free and open to life.  She was a woman who created life… and didn’t just react to it. 

Yes…that old Amelia is still alive.  Alive, well, and very, very welcome.  But you know what the most ironic part of this tale is?  Not only did she write that book like Vegas ‘nut job’ predicted - it’s also  soon to be published.  (smile)

Amelia

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Warning: I’m a little scattered today…

I need to ask you something.  Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here.  So here goes:  Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this?  Truly, am I too stupid to get it?   Is it ME?”

Cause I have; or rather I am. 

I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person.  So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective.  I ignore his condescending remarks.  I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic.  I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..

But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in.  And I sit there wracking my brain:  Am I not saying this clearly enough?  Does his perspective overrule my own?  Then, in exasperation:  How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL?

Oh, I know I’m being vague here…but legally, I can’t share the details of my situation.  Nor do I want to in fear that I’ll sound like my goal is to trash my ex – cause it isn’t.

I’m just frustrated.  And rather sad.  Cause I put so much effort into understanding him, his perspective, his circumstances…whereas it seems he doesn’t even try to do the same. I feel his anger.  I hear his resentment.  And it kills me that I can’t figure out to how to build a bridge between us.  We’re both decent, smart people, after all – why can’t we communicate like adults?

Do you feel like this when you try to communicate with your ex?  How do you handle it?  My ex and I can’t resolve issues through our own discussions.  Mediation sessions, though a fantastic option for many people, go nowhere for us.  The only recourse is legal action.  And I have trouble accepting the fact I have to pour tens of thousands of dollars into getting decisions made that will leave us both unhappy in some ways AND create more tension between us.  It all just seems like such a waste…

And so I wonder, ”Is it me?”  Do I give myself more credit than I deserve?  Am I a lot less empathetic and more selfish than I realize?  A downward spiral of self-attacking thoughts gather impetus; I’ve always been good at self-deprecation….

But friends and family prop me back up on my feet.   They say that if I don’t properly deal with our serious issues now, I’ll be doing so for the rest of my life.  And you know what I think of their support and kind words?  Though I love and appreciate them for it, I also wonder, what if they’re wrong?  What if they’re perception of my perception on things is wrong or one-sided?  (Chuckling) It appears I have enough self-doubt to go around.

And so I must listen to my heart.  And it reminds me that as a full-time single mother of three carrying enormous responsibilities, I have to do what is best for my children and myself.  My position, my opinions and my feelings ARE real.  They DO have merit, they ARE very important and in need of resolution.  I’m not motivated but some ego-driven need to be ‘right’.   I don’t need to be declared The Winner.  I just want things to be fair.  I want us to treat each other with respect and maturity.  I want us to successfully co-parent as we move forward in our individual lives…

But right now, I fear that by even hoping for these things, I’m setting myself up for another fall. 

Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands

‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life?  Or Sacrifices?

Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’