And then a seemingly never-ending process begins! In bookstores and on the Internet dozens of books, magazines, self-help courses advertise the solution, try to seduce us as the Sirens did with Odysseus. You are either ready for the changes or not. Experience shows that we are unable to let the other go, cannot embrace the idea that this is over, now we have to be happy alone. Since this kind of happiness requires active work on our part, we usually don’t feel like accepting this solution…

We rather snivel on the shoulders of our favourite girlfriends because we want to tell someone that the pain is unbearable, that the loss is irreplaceable, that our heart’s been hurt so bad that it’s never going to be healed, that life is never going to be the same as it used to be.
And then on a wine-smelling, series-addict evening new promising solutions pop up on the Internet! The oracle! Who shows you your future, path, direction and opens up new opportunities and promises everything good…

We make an appointment, we go there, we have our fortune told and we are waiting for someone who sorts out our future. Tall, blond man with one black shoe, two days later in the elevator! The answer is really promising… Just to make sure, we visit another oracle to prove the truth of the previous one to ourselves. Magic ball, a black cat – a tall, brown man in the park a week later. Truth reveals itself! Positive prospects, major developments in future.

That’s not enough, since it is actually a good astrologer who knows the truth! We attend to it, search for it, try to make out the exact date from the starry sky, in order to walk home with the possibly most accurate predictions in our bag. The celestials blessed us with amazing formula! Future promises plenty of opportunities for this and that, good job, travelling, love, everything is possible because our own destiny is in our hands! It is difficult to digest! Whatever I do tomorrow that’s how it is going to be… If I enjoy the sunshine, I’ll be happy, if I am constantly thinking about passing love, I’ll be unhappy… It all depends on me! But who can live with so much responsibility?

In the evening we nestle ourselves into our favourite armchair, stare at the TV screen, and don’t get it why nobody is able to understand that we are lost, incapable of decisions and actions, our broken heart cannot be held together even by the world’s strongest superglue. Maybe I should wait because time solves everything. Or destroys? You can seek for scientific solutions, might wander on religious ways, can meditate all day long, anything might come that offers momentary solution, may promise reconciliation in the sea of sorrow …

Personally, I believe my astrologer! I believe that my destiny is really in my hands. It is not simply hard but brutally hard to wake up with the weight of this responsibility every day and to go through the day.

Being a Buddhist, I meditate regularly – for my own happiness. It helps me to see, life is full of happiness, even if I’m unable to see this all the time. It helps me to feel for a moment (!!!) that the world is perfect, the flow of continuous change in it is the natural order of life, helps to see myself with the eyes of an ‘outside observer’ and not to spend my life in the prison of my obsessions, but to try to discover the uniqueness and the inherent endless possibilities and creativity in every moment.
We might lie to everyone, especially to ourselves, might lie that we aren’t afraid. But fear is going to grow constantly inside us. The fear that this miracle of love will never find us again. That He was the last man in our lives, who we honestly and truly loved, with whom we devised our future. That it was the last time that our hearts beat so much for someone.

Then suddenly, maybe not such a long time later, when we’d given up our desires, we’d actually believed that He does not return to us, when we’d got used to our changed days, which has become our everyday life, our fears come to the surface again. Those fears, which will be even more realistic than the previous ones. Which whisper that when we are in a hurry and don’t expect it, when we’ve given up, don’t wait for it, don’t plan it – step out to the street without make-up, with matted hair and someone comes towards us who revives the feeling and the magic happens again! We fall in love…

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

But last night I heard an even better definition of insanity…I saw the movie “Unknown” with Liam Neeson. (I know, I’m behind on my movies.)

At one point his character says, “Do you know what it feels like to be insane?  It’s like a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are.”

Bells went off in my head when I heard him say that!  For throughout my life, those are the times when I truly felt like the world was upside down, like I must be crazy, like nothing made sense, like I couldn’t convey myself clearly — the times when someone else tried to define me, label me, describe me, and it didn’t fit with my own knowing of who I am.

I’m sure at some time in your life, every one of you has had this experience — when your own sense of self ran smack dab into someone else’s idea of you…and the two ideas didn’t mesh.  You felt off kilter, like you woke up one day and found the sky was green — it felt like something was horribly wrong and you couldn’t right it.

For when you try to explain to the other person who you really are, they can’t hear you.  Why?  Well, because they have already formed their own (incorrect) picture of you, and (in most cases) are not able or willing to change it…even if it’s wrong.  It’s enough to make you feel crazy…and thus its appropriateness as a definition of insanity.

Experts say that we form a first impression within 10 seconds of meeting another person, and that it takes many more experiences with that person to alter a first impression.  In addition, our perception of others is affected by our own life experiences — in other words, the lens we look through is unique to us and will color what we see.  This explains why it can be so hard to get someone else to see you for who you really are.

And then if you add, on top of that, the fact that many people aren’t being themselves — meaning that they are not expressing their authentic self 24/7/365 in all situations — it’s no wonder we don’t feel truly seen or heard.  And this creates the sensation of a disconnect: between what someone tells us we are and who we know we are.

What we can learn from this is that it’s important to share who you really are, AND be prepared that others still may not see you accurately.  Know that if you are being real, then it’s not personal — it has to do with their lens and what they choose to see or not see, and that’s not something you can control or change.

And if you want to feel sane, hang around with people who really can see you as you are, and who appreciate you for who you are and for who you are becoming.  It’s amazing how great it feels to be with people who get you!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Question:

I am a widow with no children. I have been dating a man for over a year now who has two children (14 and 18). We are in a committed relationship. He has been divorced for 5 years. He and his ex wife continue to get together for holidays, birthdays, family reunions, special occasions with the children (I am not included). I do not like this and have let him know. He tells me that it is “for the children” and his counselor does not see the issue I have with this. I see it as divorce is divorce and their “family” time is over…any thoughts on this?

Brenda

Answer:

Hi Brenda,

I wish you had explained why you don’t like him getting together with his ex and children. Since you didn’t I’m going to assume that you feel threatened by the fact that he still has a relationship, of sorts with his ex. Forgive me if I’m wrong!

I agree with his counselor and don’t see a problem. I will go as far as saying that you should count your blessings and will hopefully give you a new perspective on what is happening and the kind of man you have attached yourself to. Research shows that parents who can be civil with each other and get along have children who suffer fewer negative effects of divorce. He sounds like a man who feels it is very important to do what is best for his children. His children are still his “family” and any man with character and integrity will continue to do what is best for his children whether he remains married to their mother or not.

You are viewing the situation as being about him and his ex BUT it isn’t. It is about him and his ex doing for their children and divorced or not there will always be that connection between the two of them. They will now and forever have love for their children in common and that is a powerful tie to have with someone. There will be graduations, weddings, grand babies born and any number of reasons he and his wife will need to share space and time in the future and do so in a civil manner for the sake of their children. Wouldn’t you rather attach yourself to a man who can be civil to the mother of his children than to one who refuses to socialize with the mother of his children? How he treats her is an indication of how he will treat you in the future…just something to think about.

My advice to you is to make friends, follow his lead where his ex is concerned and be civil. If this man has been divorced for 5 years and has a close relationship with his children you pushing him to stop spending “family time” with them and their mother is not going to end well for you. You will push until you push him right out of your life and I’m sure that is not what you want.

All that being said, if he refuses to include you in these get togethers once you two are married this is a sign of trouble. That is what you should be discussing with him now, before the marriage. Because only then will you, in my opinion have a right to an opinion. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar Brenda and I suggest you tell him that you respect him for doing what he feels is right for his children then add, “I’m looking forward to being part of it all once we are married.”

If he is not open to including you once you are married then there is a problem that needs to be discussed and I suggest you do so with his therapist. For now though, I see no problem with the situation and if you handle it correctly you will probably become part of a “family” that will bring you joy for years to come.

My best,

Cathy

Last week I was confronted with the question “What are you doing to fix this?”  This week I am looking inside to figure out what I had been avoiding for many years.

Then – 12/24/2003

“I have had my share of obstacles in our relationship but somehow I always find a way to crawl out of my darkest feelings and try to make it work.  We went to therapy because I was absolutely at rock bottom with my feelings.  Did therapy help?  I don’t know, but I never truly fell back ‘in love’ and I don’t think that was good enough for him.  Then we stopped going and things stayed pretty much on an even keel.  I tried various ways to look at the positives and to be grateful for what I have.

The subject of intimacy is a HUGE problem for us.  To ‘Carl’, it is the ultimate proof of my love for him.  But if I was more in love with him, then maybe I would be more interested; no matter what I have tried, I can’t change how I feel.

Once again I feel pressured to feel something that I don’t know that I’ll ever feel.  I’m too angry, disappointed, mistrustful and hurt to even consider getting back any loving feelings that were already at a bare minimum before I found out that he was an alcoholic.  I guess I’m just trying to work on all of those feelings so I can get to the point where I even want to pick up a ‘repairing your relationship’ book.  I can’t even look at one.

He asked what I’m doing to help the relationship?!!  I’m having a battle with so many emotions, trying to get to a point where I am receptive to work on anything to save our relationship.”

Now – 3/13/11

At the time I wrote that journal entry, I was so overwhelmed with the pressure to come up with an answer regarding my marriage.  I felt like I needed to make sense out of feelings I knew and feelings I had only scratched the surface at.  My marriage was barely surviving before the revelation that he was an alcoholic and I was being pressured to try to make sense out of insanity.

I can now see that ‘Carl’ was in panic mode because his secret was out.  I had been by his side for the prior 2 years dealing with the crazy physical symptoms he had been experiencing with no medical explanation.  He had been to almost every doctor imaginable, trying to find the reason why he had night sweats, heart palpitations, dizziness, blurred vision, numbness, throwing up, body twitches, etc. I felt sorry for him at the time and he was used to having my attention.  Once his dark secret was revealed, my attention turned away from him and towards my kids and myself.

I later found out that the answer to all his physical issues we had been dealing with for 2 years were tied into his secret; alcohol was the cause.  It took an outpatient alcohol rehab facilitator to connect all the dots for me.  ‘Carl’ had been killing himself with alcohol and not one of the dozen doctors he visited put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Thankfully I found the strength to not cave to his pressure.  I was going to make decisions when I was ready, not when he was.  The thing that he couldn’t and wouldn’t accept at the time was that I really wasn’t sure what my decision was.  I had lived unhappily married for so long that it was if I was shocked to now be given a choice.

As the pressure increased to feel my feelings, I became more aware of the vicious cycle of dysfunction that had become so normal to me.

Next week – Vicious cycle

Most of you are working on personal change –so you are aware of areas you wish to grow in and are actively becoming your best self.  As such, you’ve experienced how change can sometimes take longer than you think, can come about in a different way than you anticipated, and how it can sometimes feel like a stop-n-start activity (with times when you’re progressing and other times when you feel stuck or like you’ve relapsed).

Knowing how much focus and effort it takes to change yourself, why would anyone undertake the task of changing another?!  And yet, in the US society, women are typically led to believe that if they can just find a good man, they can then change him into ‘Mr. Right’.

Paradoxically, the typical US man believes that the woman will always remain just the way she was when he met her (that she’ll never change).  So when she grows and changes, he wants her to go back to the way she was when they met.

She tries to make him change, and he tries to make her not change.  As you can predict, both of these scenarios are doomed to fail.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen this far too often.

So what’s the cure for this disease?  It comes down to two things:

1) love your partner unconditionally — in other words love them for who they are right now (not for who they could be or who they used to be), and

2) spend your energy working on yourself and let your partner do the same (it’s not your place to make suggestions of things your partner could work on).

When you meet someone and are dating, take the time to really get to know that person well.  Meet their friends (recent and long-time), get to know their family, meet their co-workers, and be certain to share lots of mundane, everyday experiences together so you can tell how this person really is in the world.

Date for a while; don’t rush into anything.  It’s really important that you know all aspects of your partner (and vice versa) BEFORE you commit to each other.  By doing this, you will be able to unconditionally love and accept your partner for who they are, in their entirety.  And that is the key to a happy relationship — truly seeing, knowing, accepting and loving everything about the other.

Another helpful technique is to stop thinking that your way is the right way.  Instead, shift your thinking to “there is no one right way; every way has validity”.  When you make this shift, you won’t be inclined to insist that others do things your way, and you’ll be more receptive to learning new ways of doing things and seeing things.  In other words, you’ll have an open mind.

As Colonel Potter said on M*A*S*H, “Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.”

If you want to change the world, change yourself.  For that is the one place you have any influence.  And the change you make in yourself will impact others in many seen and unseen ways.

Trying to change another is futile, but working to change yourself is miraculous!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

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And in my (now several) careers, I worked – hard – to attain the practical skills and experience as well as the degrees, certifications, and reputation to back up my authority. I enjoyed being knowledgeable, an expert in my field – and it bears noting, that meant I was constantly in the process of updating my qualifications.

But I was an expert in specialized fields, and a generalist in others. And somehow, the notion of “expert” has evolved – not for the better – and we would be wise to examine the distinctions between authority, authenticity, credibility, credentials, and a voice.

If we don’t? We’re asking for trouble.

Social media has muddled these definitions in dissemination of information (I hesitate to use the term “journalism”), and I wonder if the ripple effects run deeper. I would turn to the experts to ask, but then – who might they be? And how do I – how does anyone – authenticate their expertise?

Gone are the days when “Doctor” in front of someone’s name and a sheepskin on the wall meant undisputed authority. Academic credentials remain important, but in my opinion, much less than twenty years ago. As for the term “author?” Don’t be fooled. The vanity press can make anyone with a checkbook into an author. And so can the web.

Contemporary (Pop) Cultural Commentator?

In a contemporary culture where people become famous for being famous, where memoirs (in our thirties?) are increasingly the norm, where we claim experience by virtue of, well… claiming it – on the web, perhaps we should all wear the mantel of Contemporary Cultural Commentators – and call it a day.

But we don’t. And I worry.

I worry about how easy it is for someone to exercise their right to voice an opinion, and for it to be assumed as authoritative. For someone with a single experience (their own) in, say, divorce… to posit that their way is plausible for tens of thousands of others. For someone who coaches on relationships to speculate as to single parenthood or divorce aftermath – without having lived it, studied it, researched it, or supporting it with detailed and authoritative data.

I worry about opinion overtaking the value of vetting, the accountability of credentialed journalists, the authority of genuine expertise – whatever the field.

With a voice comes reliance – of others. Behind that voice there needs to be credibility and more importantly, accountability. At least, if others are going to rely upon it as anything other than one individual’s opinion. Of course, what is being discussed makes a difference, as do the consequences of relying on that discussion. For example, I use an experienced and credentialed C.P.A. for my taxes, and a Board-Certified specialist when I have a medical issue.

Don’t you?

Columbia Journalism Review on “Experts”

Recently I read Alissa Quart’s “The Trouble With Experts” in a Columbia Journalism Review, published last summer. The article raises the issue of expertise, as we grow accustomed to the breadth of sources we rely upon on the Internet. The clout of the expert quote – once the cornerstone of a journalistic piece – is diminished, as we accept anything and anyone with a byline, without realizing we shouldn’t assume qualifications where they may not exist.

Or perhaps more to the point, as we ignore the issue of qualifications altogether, and take everything with equal authority.

While I find it encouraging that our voices may be heard (always a good thing to speak your mind, in my book), I’m concerned when individuals speak or write as if they are experts when, in fact, they have no more authority or credibility than you or I, or my next door neighbor. And quite possibly, less.

Am I an expert on parenting because I’ve spent the past 20 years raising children? Am I an authority on French men because I’ve known my share, on French fashion because I enjoy writing about it occasionally, on post-divorce dating because I’ve been at it for years?

Am I an expert when other trusted authorities or voices confirm as much? Should I proclaim it to be true? Should you who read me decide?

Authenticity vs. Authority, Credibility vs. Credentials

A few definitions to consider, culled from Dictionary.com:

Authenticity:

“Of undisputed origin or authorship; genuine; accurate in representation of the facts; trustworthy; reliable”

Authority:

“An accepted source of information, advice, etc.; a quotation or citation from such a source; an expert on a subject.”

Credibility:

“The quality of being trusted or believed; trustworthy, worthy of belief or confidence>”

Credentials:

“Evidence of authority, status, rights, entitlement to privileges, or the like, usually in written form; anything that provides the basis for confidence, belief, credit, etc.”

Vetting (to vet):

“To appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity, etc.: An expert vetted the manuscript before publication.”

Expert:

“A person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field; specialist; authority.”

Who do you believe?

So who do you believe? Can you distinguish between someone who is addressing an issue with authenticity and even sincerity, but without expertise? Do you put your faith in data – without digging into its source or applicability?

As for me, I have credentials in various fields, along with years of experience. I am a writer; I write about what I know, what I learn, what I research. I write to inform, to provide commentary, to entertain, to provoke dialog and discussion.

I also say clearly, that I voice my opinions, rather than claiming expertise where I do not consider myself qualified. To do otherwise, I believe, is irresponsible.

• When vetting does not take place to verify a person’s voracity, knowledge, or authority, shouldn’t we be concerned?
• In a world that bombards us with social media news and noise – TMI – do we know how to pick out what is reliable as well as credible?
• What role do we play – as journalists, writers, writers who blog, bloggers, as interested parties in a variety of communities - in clarifying who we are and what expertise we do or don’t possess?
• Shouldn’t we always consider the source (and the agenda), use common sense, and think for ourselves – raising a skeptical eyebrow, particularly on the web?

Author Bio: D. A. Wolf is an independent consultant, freelance writer, and single mother of two teen sons. She is a former art reviewer for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and her work has appeared in ARTnews, Raw Vision, France Magazine, ForbesWoman.com, and other publications. She holds a BA from Wellesley College, an MBA from the Wharton School, and has lived and worked up and down the East Coast and in Paris. These days, she reflects on life at her Daily Plate of Crazy and the Huffington Post, where she writes about women’s issues, divorce, parenting, popular culture, and anything else that strikes her on a given day as important, entertaining, or of interest.

I recently read an article by Molly Monet over at the Huffington Post Divorce section. Molly has been divorced a couple of years and thinks she holds the secret to a “peaceful divorce.” She has managed to build not only a civil relationship with her ex but they have remained friends. So friendly in fact that they have family dinners and take family vacations together.

If only the outcome of divorce could be half that pleasant for all of us! The reality is though, Molly and her situation isn’t the rule, it is the exception. But in Molly’s opinion those of us who ended up in a high conflict divorces did so because we didn’t behave ourselves during the divorce process.

She says, “As friends and readers tell me their horror stories about their exes and how poorly they handled their breakups, I often wonder to myself how did I get so lucky to have a peaceful divorce.”

There is a belief among those who were able to come through a divorce fairly unscathed that those of us who didn’t handled our situations poorly, that if we had worked a bit harder we also could be going out to dinner with our ex and taking “family” vacations.

I take exception to that belief! As someone who bent over backwards and played nice doggy when her ex was withholding money, disrespecting his children and using the legal system to abusehis family it gets my dander up for someone to tell me my ex behaved badly because I handled my divorce poorly.

I respect Molly and what she is striving to do for her family. I think the issue with Molly and people like her is that they are unable to view divorce but from one perspective…their own. They believe that if they made it work for them then everyone should be able to make it work also.

I was a lot like Molly when I first divorced. I had this idea in my head of no longer being married to my ex but building a friendship with him and co-parenting our children in a manner that promoted their best interest.

I had experience with divorce in my family. My paternal grandparents were divorced. They were friendly with each other. We used to go visit my grandmother and my grandfather would stay in her home during our visits. When he became ill with cancer she took him back into her home and cared for him until he passed away. They neither one ever remarried and are now buried next to each other.

My mother was married and divorced before she married my father. I have a half brother as a result. My mother and her first husband weren’t friends but they were civil toward each other and worked together for the sake of my brother. My brother has a collection of photos taken with him and both his parents throughout his life. If there was a gathering and both parents were there they made sure to get a “family” photo of the three of them. There was never a time that I remember seeing my mother and her first husband engage in conflict. And I certainly never heard her disparage him in anyway.

When my ex decided he could no longer stay in our marriage I naturally thought we would end up having a relationship similar to those that I had experienced as a child of divorced relatives. I expected more than my ex was willing to give me, his children or himself.

Every time I extended the hand of friendship it got slapped. The man wanting NOTHING to do with being civil. It took me 3 years of attempting to play nice to realize I was pissing into the wind and only damaging myself by continuing to “work” at building the kind of relationship with him that I had witnessed as a child.

In the comment section of her article Molly said, “A friend of mine posted something beautiful on my FB link to this article. She quoted Emily Dickinson saying “Luck is not chance; it is toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.” Our peace took work and that’s what I want to show people. Others who are willing to make the effort could get similar results.”

Molly has this stubborn need to believe that those of us who have spent years suffering the negative consequences of the bad behavior of another person or just unlucky because we didn’t “toil.” We weren’t willing to put forth the effort so we must have earned what we got.

Those of us who have dealt with abusive exes do without a support system because of beliefs like that. We learn to keep our mouths shut and suffer in silence because opening up and talking about our high conflict divorce doesn’t get us empathy, it gets us judgments from those who haven’t learned that their perspective is not the only perspective.

I’ve been in a very lonely place for over a decade. My family is not supportive. After all they experienced “peaceful” divorces and in their opinion there must be something wrong with ME, if not my ex would be sharing meals and taking vacations with his children and I.

The majority of my friends and family suffer the same lack of insight that Molly does. They have an inability to look outside their own experiences and realize that every story is unique. Our own perspective shapes what seems right and wrong. Seeing something from a different perspective can raise our awareness and enable us to show compassion and empathy for the situations of others.

Molly filters everything by her own personal history, her beliefs, motivations and concepts that she holds true. So do I but the difference between Molly and I is that I’ve seen both sides of the coin so my perspective is broader. I’m able to see things from her perspective and my own because I’ve lived both. And, I’m also aware that just because something worked for me doesn’t mean it will or should work for everyone else.

It can take courage to see the perspective of the other person’s situation, acknowledge it and then look for the best solution for both. I think Molly believes she has a one size fits all solution to the problems that arise due to divorce. That belief is dangerous for Molly and women who buy into Molly’s advice. Molly isn’t offering solutions; she is misleading people by showing only her perspective and dismissing the idea that there isn’t one solution for all situations.

I’d like to talk to Molly again in ten years after her ex has remarried and has a wife who doesn’t buy into him having dinner and taking vacations with his ex-wife. Or, after her ex-husband gets tired of playing house with his ex-wife. When she has some true experience with the outcome of divorce I’d like to talk to her.

I’ll do something for her at that time that she hasn’t done for women like me, I’ll listen, attempt to view her problem from her perspective and show her some empathy. I don’t wish Molly conflict in her life BUT things change and with her inability to understand that her situation isn’t static the time is going to come when Molly will need understanding, empathy and compassion. Good thing for her there will be women open enough to not only offer her support but listen to her without judgment.

Can you imagine a world where your ex has access to the things you do and knowledge of your personal experiences? A world where there is no stopping a sociopathic stalker from inserting themselves into your lives? A world of gross misinterpretation and perceived righteousness?

I can, because it is the world we are living in today.

Everyone is different, but when both my current husband and I separated and then divorced our previous spouses, the last thing we wanted was interaction with them. We had both moved on, and our new lives were just that–”OUR” new lives. Not lives that we wished to share with our past and our exes. So you can imagine the shock I felt when both of our exes had begun googling us, and worse yet, conspiring together to see what we were doing. The first time we realized this was happening was shortly after we had become engaged.

My husband and I were planning a wedding that was not only out of town for us but for the majority of our wedding guests. We had created a website for our guests in order to be able to communicate information to everyone quickly and efficiently. It was the setting for people to find hotels to stay in, directions, and a few random fun things. It was intended to be accessed only by our friends and family and I never considered the fact that you could google my name and find it. Plus who would do that, oh that’s right, nosey people. It would have been unfortunate enough to know that they were googling our names and reading our private information, but they were also sharing it with friends and posting spiteful comments on the pages. Then taking it a step further they made plans (jokingly of course, so they say) to come to our wedding and ruin it. It was frustrating to say the least.

Then my ex made a statement in passing about some comment that he saw online by my sister on our wedding announcement. This was an announcement that was placed in the local newspaper and at that time I had not even viewed it online. For my ex to have seen it (no reason he should have known about it), and to have brought it up to me, personally I think that is a little creepy.

That was the beginning of our online problems with our exes. It went way past the point of curiosity. Terrible things were being said, comments being made to family and friends, links set up and attached to our work, name calling, the list to date is endless. All of this stemming from the fact that they are going online and searching for us. (If you haven’t before, when you get a chance try googling yourself and you’ll be amazed to see what is readily available for anyone and everyone.) When I have searched for myself I have found nothing there I would not share with others. However, personally I would prefer that our exes live their own lives and stop snooping into ours.

However, like I said in my last post, participating in social networking and being involved with things on the Internet is a choice. It is a choice my husband and I have made and one we continue to choose. Therefore, we have to understand that by making this decision we technically have to provide this kind of access. However, not everyone makes that choice.

So what can you do to keep your exes from accessing you online?

1) Private your profiles. Facebook specifically has privacy control settings that allow you to control how much others people can see, though in many cases the default setting is for your profile to be completely public. Make sure all of your settings are set to friends only. Mashable.com provides a complete comprehensive list and instructions on privacy setting for Facebook.

2) Block unwanted people. I think by now most Facebook users know about the block function. By blocking unwanted people–such as exes–you remove their ability to see anything at all (Facebook-related of course) that you have written, posted, etc. This can be an excellent way to prevent most intruders.

3) Delete mutual friends. This is difficult, and it can be a tough decision to delete people you consider to be friends. However, you will continue to allow your ex access by maintaining friendships on social networks with people who are also friends with your ex. Maybe not directly, but they can still ask friends to check up on you and give them information. They can still log on as your mutual friend (assuming the friend gave them access) and see your profile. Sometimes, your friends just accidentally share information. It is a common but unfortunate situation that happens when couples split and acquaintances that knew both of you now have to try to maintain separate but equal relationships with each of you. However, it is reasonable to assume that if you are true friends you don’t need social networks to maintain the relationship, so why even allow for the opportunity to present itself. Recently I shared a little of my Facebook nightmare, which included deleting friends, in my post entitled, ”Facebook and Other Social Networking Nightmares.”

4) Don’t post things online in your real name. This one is almost impossible to avoid for those of us who use the Internet for more than just socializing. However, try your best to use a different name anytime that you post a comment or anything online. Once you post items and you attach your name to them, you can be found with virtually any search engine such as Yahoo or Google.

5) Do not sign up for social networking sites that do not offer privacy options. Twitter is a social networking site built on the idea that you want to share things with the world. Therefore, a site like Twitter does not have the same privacy options as a site like Facebook. You can set up minimal privacy but not enough to keep people away who are desperate see you.

There are no guarantees that a person who is desperate enough will not find some items tied to you online, but these actions will prevent most.

***For the record, I believe my ex has moved on in life and no longer partakes in googling me. At least I hope that’s the case.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her whole life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

I read with interest an article by Susan Pease Gadoua over at The Huffington Post about the differences between men and women when it comes to working through conflict or distance in a relationship.

I get a wee bit frustrated when I read articles filled with assumptions written by experts. When will experts stop lying to us and perpetuating untruths or societal beliefs that are just not true? According to Ms. Gadoua:

“When straight couples have a fight or experience a rift in their relationship, women want to talk things out and perhaps make love later (when they feel more connected); men want to connect by making love and (maybe) talking later.

One husband told me recently that he thinks that the problems he and his wife were having would all be solved by going away for a long, sex-filled weekend. His wife saw this idea as nothing more than a superficial quick-fix.”

Where is the lie in the above quote? It’s the men want to do this and the women want to do that statements. Especially when it comes to sex. There is a belief held by most that all men are interested in sex. That sex is their first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening.

An estimated 20 million marriages in the U.S. are without physical passion. Framed differently, 15 percent to 20 percent of American couples have sex 10 times per year or less. Such issues are rarely one-sided. Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally.

What has this got to do with anything? It’s about the fact that when we hear about a sexless marriage we normally think some wife is withholding sex from her husband. As the above statement says though, withholding is equal opportunity and many women out there are blaming themselves for their husband’s lack of sexual appetite.

When finding herself in a sexless marriage a wife can feel confused and hurt over what she feels is irrational behavior from her husband. We learn from an early age that men want sex…period. What we women need to know is that, according to He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore 44% of men surveyed expressed a lack of interest in sex in general. Not just a lack of interest in sex with their wives but with anyone at all.

I think a better view of the issue would be to say that SOME women want to talk about marital problems and have sex later and SOME men don’t want to talk OR have sex. It’s time to get real with women about SOME men.