“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Last week I felt like I was driving myself crazy with questions, imaginings and intuition. This week I’m being questioned about whether I’m being too dramatic.

Then – 2/3/2004

“The other morning I was so upset because ‘Carl’ had been moping around talking about ‘no closeness’ and ‘Erin’ (my daughter) started to pick up on his mood.  She asked him what was wrong and he said he was just tired.  She said ‘No you’re not, it’s something else.’  I pulled him aside and told him that he doesn’t have the right to affect the kids anymore than he already has; that he needs to get over the ‘closeness’ thing right now because he’s just hurting himself with false expectations.

I started to cry about how no matter how frustrated I get, I still am doing what I have to do to keep the family together for the kids, etc.  His comment to me was ‘Don’t you think you’re being dramatic?  It’s not like I don’t do anything around here.  You’re just looking for negative things’.  I got angry and said ‘Fine, you might think I’m being a drama queen playing up my role in saving this family, but you have a problem with downplaying your role in its downfall.  You make it seem like your problem is small compared to everyone else at AA.  You always downplay the effect your actions have had or should have on me and the kids.  So maybe somewhere between my so-called dramatic version and your version is reality!’

The next nigh we are sitting down talking about going back to the therapist and I bring up the conversation the other morning.  I tell him that it upset me that he made it sound like I was being too dramatic when in reality I try to keep my emotions in check and don’t wine or cry about things.  He looks at me and says ‘I never said you were being dramatic!’

I can’t take having conversations with someone who can’t remember from one day to another!!!”

Now – 4/3/2011

Wow…each time I’m taken back in time in my journal I am can literally feel how I was feeling at the time.  It’s amazing how powerful memories can be, not just in our thoughts but in our entire bodies.  I can feel the sadness, frustration and anger in my heart, shoulders and hands.

I can see now that I was fighting a losing battle, hoping beyond hope that my kids would not be affected by the situation in the house.  There was an ENORMOUS elephant in the living room that I was trying to cover up with a “business as usual” type of attitude.  When I saw the kids being dragged into the drama, my anger reached a feverish pitch which of course didn’t help the situation.  I didn’t have the coping skills then that I do now.  But as the saying goes, when I knew better I did better.

I lived with so much drama for so long that I have become highly sensitive to it.  Since that time 7 years ago I have had to let go of certain relationships and have set healthy boundaries with the people that are in my life.

The gift from that dramatic time of the journal entry is that I no longer get caught up in drama and choose to not have it into my life.

Next week – What’s the right thing to do?

When we come upon circumstances in our lives that we don’t find pleasing, there are several possible responses.  One is to complain about it (and this seems to be the most common response), a second is to accept the situation ‘as is’, and the third is to leave (to remove yourself from the situation altogether).

Let’s take a closer look at each of these options.  The favorite response is to complain about things, perhaps in the hopes that a vocal rejection of the situation might change it.  But Eckhart Tolle says, “To complain is always nonacceptance of what is.  It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge.  When you complain, you make yourself a victim.”

No wonder we don’t feel better after complaining.  In fact, we typically feel worse, and then begin to notice lots of other things that aren’t ‘right’ in the world.  Negative attracts negative, and so we find more to bemoan.  And ultimately it really affects us the most (although it will also bother those around us to hear all that negative energy spewing forth).  We feel terrible, are unhappy and are stressed.  So common sense says that this doesn’t sound like the best response.

Option two is to accept ‘what is’.  This means we let go of all of our expectations of how things should be, how it should turn out, how it should look, etc.  When we do this, we open up to whatever will be.  We are accepting of whatever happens, whatever it looks like, and in whatever time frame it occurs.  In other words, we are at peace with the situation, no matter what.  This feels good to those around us, and more importantly, it feels good to us.  We are calm, peaceful and accepting.

The third possible response is to leave the situation.  If you don’t like it and can’t accept it, then leave.  It’s really that simple.  Let’s say you’re at a party and the host’s children are being wild and noisy.  You don’t choose to complain about it (after all that doesn’t do you any good); you don’t choose to accept it and stay at the party under those conditions; so you can choose to leave and go somewhere else.

This doesn’t mean you have to be upset and leave in a huff — rather, you can graciously thank the host for the occasion and make an unobtrusive exit.  Then you can go do something that you would enjoy, perhaps something quieter and more relaxing for you.

Eckhart Tolle also said, “Leave the situation or accept it.  All else is madness.”  So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you are not feeling good, instead of complaining and making yourself feel worse, choose to “Take it or Leave it”.  In other words, choose to accept it the way it is, or choose to leave it completely. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

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In general when a relationship ends, whether it be a marriage, a long-term love or just a few weeks of dating, there are two parties involved–the dumper and the dumpee. The difference being that the dumper is the one who ends the relationship while the dumpee has the relationship ended for them.

Most of the time our attention goes immediately to the dumpee because they tend to feel hurt and they are the one who was left. As compassionate people we reach out to them, show our support, encourage, and often tell them the things we think they need to hear in order to heal. That is only normal. No compassionate person is going to hit the dumpee while they are down with questions like “What about the dumper?”

The problem with this situation is there are still two parties involved. Two parties that experience an equal amount of difficulty. Yes I said EQUAL. Equal, although very different. During my divorce I read a book where the author described divorce like death. It was the death of the same relationship, however the type of death experienced by either party was very different.

For the one who was left, the death was sudden and unexpected and the grief is filled with strong emotions. For the one who did the leaving, the death was similar to a death following a prolonged illness, which included a grief  that began long before the actual death. When the death actually took place, there came a sadness but also a great deal of relief.

As the dumper, you do not experience the “surprise” or feeling of being left, you experience a whole other set of emotions. There is guilt for hurting someone, frustration with how to deal with things, the decisions (made all alone) on how to deal with every situation, sadness, withdrawal, grief, all of the things that the dumpee feels only they are taking place during the relationship instead of after the relationship ends.

Depending on the situation and circumstances the dumper may spend days, weeks, months, or even years, with all of these emotions weighing on them and in most cases unable to share those feelings because the relationship is still somewhat intact, even if only superficially.

The dumpee on the other hand can immediately start talking to friends and family and begin the healing process of trying to make it right in their minds. They do not have to suffer any of the pain alone like the dumper who does not receive the immediate compassion from others except from the select group of dumpers that relate, and many times that only occurs after the breakup.

Not to mention the fact that at that point, the word is spread, lines are drawn between friends and family and the dumper immediately becomes the bad guy/girl. So not only does the dumper have to suffer through the emotions alone, they now have to deal with the loss of some friends and the judgment of others. But here we are, compassionate and caring and taking care of the dumpee.

Why is it that we feel so compelled to help the one who was left but the one that did the leaving has to do it all alone? Is it really that difficult to understand that the dumper has feelings too?

It wasn’t until after my divorce that a friend of mine told me there are two types of people, dumpers and dumpees and you are one or the other. More importantly while you may be able to sympathize with the other, you can never truly relate or understand all that they go through and experience unless you are of the same type.

As a dumper, which is the personality trait I have always taken on, I can better understand all of the things that relate to those types of experiences. While I certainly have empathy for a dumpee, I can honestly say I feel more commiseration with the dumper.

Like I said I have always had the personality of a dumper. There is not one relationship I have ever been involved in that I was not the dumper. For all of you dumpee’s out there that may have not headed my warning above and are still reading, do not mistake being a dumper with not being able to maintain or enjoy a relationship long-term. And DO NOT think that a dumper can only be a dumper because they lack feeling and are heartless. That is far from the truth.

Even as I write this, there is a part of me that knows I will never be able to get through to a dumpee because 1) I can’t truly relate with them and 2) they can’t associate with my feelings. Although I could sit here and write out all of the feelings I experienced in my divorce, most of you would dismiss them and blame me for one thing or another because I was the dumper. I think the only way to truly give you a glimpse into the pain a dumper experiences is to recap the loss of my relationship years ago with my husband now.

We had been together for more than five years and our love was strong, passionate and young. Young because we were young, not young meaning new. We had not grown into the people we are now who can talk about anything and talk about everything and without that communication even a love as strong as ours can struggle. We were still trying to find ourselves while trying to be together. But even with growing pains, I truly never believed we would be anything other than Jeff and Carrie, always and forever.

Slowly my world was changing. I was in search of myself and he was in search of himself. In that, he made one minor mistake but a mistake that, in my youth, I could not get past. It caused me so much hurt, pain and grief that it didn’t matter how many times he apologized or what explanation he gave. I loved him more than anything and I knew he loved me the same way. But as a dumper, my pain was set aside. I spent countless hours running through all of the options. I agonized over how to move forward. Now granted if I could go back today, as the woman I am now, I would have made a different decision but at the time the only decision I felt I could make was to end the relationship. Even though he tried over and over to talk me into reconsidering, I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. As much as he thought I was hurting him (which I was) he did not see the nights of crying myself to sleep. He never saw the struggles I had with deciding and the tears shed over asking him to leave. Even though my pain went on for longer than you can imagine, I never allowed him to see it and really as the dumper, I didn’t feel I had a right to show it.

So was I the one left, no. But I did feel the pain and equally as much. Absolutely, and in my mind, more. I think it is fair to say that my pain is always going to feel more real and justified than someone else’s. If we were honest, isn’t that how we all feel?

My question to you is “what about the dumper?” Why is it we often forget about them and instead just place blame? Don’t they deserve our compassion as well? Or as the dumper are we just expected to suck it up and deal with the decision we made? Not that we would take back our decisions because unlike the story above, in most of our situations although we have suffered in the process of making those decisions we are secure in them –I know that I experienced great pain in my divorce although I have no doubt it was the right decision.

So again I ask “What about the dumper?”

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

But last night I heard an even better definition of insanity…I saw the movie “Unknown” with Liam Neeson. (I know, I’m behind on my movies.)

At one point his character says, “Do you know what it feels like to be insane?  It’s like a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are.”

Bells went off in my head when I heard him say that!  For throughout my life, those are the times when I truly felt like the world was upside down, like I must be crazy, like nothing made sense, like I couldn’t convey myself clearly — the times when someone else tried to define me, label me, describe me, and it didn’t fit with my own knowing of who I am.

I’m sure at some time in your life, every one of you has had this experience — when your own sense of self ran smack dab into someone else’s idea of you…and the two ideas didn’t mesh.  You felt off kilter, like you woke up one day and found the sky was green — it felt like something was horribly wrong and you couldn’t right it.

For when you try to explain to the other person who you really are, they can’t hear you.  Why?  Well, because they have already formed their own (incorrect) picture of you, and (in most cases) are not able or willing to change it…even if it’s wrong.  It’s enough to make you feel crazy…and thus its appropriateness as a definition of insanity.

Experts say that we form a first impression within 10 seconds of meeting another person, and that it takes many more experiences with that person to alter a first impression.  In addition, our perception of others is affected by our own life experiences — in other words, the lens we look through is unique to us and will color what we see.  This explains why it can be so hard to get someone else to see you for who you really are.

And then if you add, on top of that, the fact that many people aren’t being themselves — meaning that they are not expressing their authentic self 24/7/365 in all situations — it’s no wonder we don’t feel truly seen or heard.  And this creates the sensation of a disconnect: between what someone tells us we are and who we know we are.

What we can learn from this is that it’s important to share who you really are, AND be prepared that others still may not see you accurately.  Know that if you are being real, then it’s not personal — it has to do with their lens and what they choose to see or not see, and that’s not something you can control or change.

And if you want to feel sane, hang around with people who really can see you as you are, and who appreciate you for who you are and for who you are becoming.  It’s amazing how great it feels to be with people who get you!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Last week I was confronted with the question “What are you doing to fix this?”  This week I am looking inside to figure out what I had been avoiding for many years.

Then – 12/24/2003

“I have had my share of obstacles in our relationship but somehow I always find a way to crawl out of my darkest feelings and try to make it work.  We went to therapy because I was absolutely at rock bottom with my feelings.  Did therapy help?  I don’t know, but I never truly fell back ‘in love’ and I don’t think that was good enough for him.  Then we stopped going and things stayed pretty much on an even keel.  I tried various ways to look at the positives and to be grateful for what I have.

The subject of intimacy is a HUGE problem for us.  To ‘Carl’, it is the ultimate proof of my love for him.  But if I was more in love with him, then maybe I would be more interested; no matter what I have tried, I can’t change how I feel.

Once again I feel pressured to feel something that I don’t know that I’ll ever feel.  I’m too angry, disappointed, mistrustful and hurt to even consider getting back any loving feelings that were already at a bare minimum before I found out that he was an alcoholic.  I guess I’m just trying to work on all of those feelings so I can get to the point where I even want to pick up a ‘repairing your relationship’ book.  I can’t even look at one.

He asked what I’m doing to help the relationship?!!  I’m having a battle with so many emotions, trying to get to a point where I am receptive to work on anything to save our relationship.”

Now – 3/13/11

At the time I wrote that journal entry, I was so overwhelmed with the pressure to come up with an answer regarding my marriage.  I felt like I needed to make sense out of feelings I knew and feelings I had only scratched the surface at.  My marriage was barely surviving before the revelation that he was an alcoholic and I was being pressured to try to make sense out of insanity.

I can now see that ‘Carl’ was in panic mode because his secret was out.  I had been by his side for the prior 2 years dealing with the crazy physical symptoms he had been experiencing with no medical explanation.  He had been to almost every doctor imaginable, trying to find the reason why he had night sweats, heart palpitations, dizziness, blurred vision, numbness, throwing up, body twitches, etc. I felt sorry for him at the time and he was used to having my attention.  Once his dark secret was revealed, my attention turned away from him and towards my kids and myself.

I later found out that the answer to all his physical issues we had been dealing with for 2 years were tied into his secret; alcohol was the cause.  It took an outpatient alcohol rehab facilitator to connect all the dots for me.  ‘Carl’ had been killing himself with alcohol and not one of the dozen doctors he visited put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Thankfully I found the strength to not cave to his pressure.  I was going to make decisions when I was ready, not when he was.  The thing that he couldn’t and wouldn’t accept at the time was that I really wasn’t sure what my decision was.  I had lived unhappily married for so long that it was if I was shocked to now be given a choice.

As the pressure increased to feel my feelings, I became more aware of the vicious cycle of dysfunction that had become so normal to me.

Next week – Vicious cycle

Last week I was contemplating an eye opening question previously posed by our marriage counselor, this week I’m defensive about an eye opening question posed by my husband

Then – 12/23/2003

“Last night was quite interesting.  When ‘Carl’ came home from his AA meeting he was in a bad mood.  It appears that some people were talking about their family life and their ‘happily ever after’ stories.

He said ‘I know this is hard on you but do you have any idea how hard this is on me?’  I grit my teeth and said ‘Yes, I know how hard it is but you chose this situation, I didn’t.  I didn’t ask for this but I have to live with the consequences of your choices.’  Then he said the ultimate slap in the face – ‘I know what I’m doing to fix this, but what are you doing?’

How f*&%ing dare he question what I’m doing!  Here are some of the things I’m doing to fix this insane situation that HE put us in:

• I get out of bed every morning instead of curling up and never getting out
• I take care of the kids and the house alone
• I go to work and stay focused so I don’t lose my job like he’s about to
• I try to continue as normal an existence as possible
• I try to focus on positive things in order to keep from screaming and crying
• I let him stay in this house instead of permanently kicking him out
• I sleep in the same bed even when I don’t feel like it
• I know my job is to keep this family together but I don’t have to be ‘in love’ to do it
• I went to his dysfunctional family Christmas to keep peace
• I try to get by day by day with some sanity
• I keep it together UNMEDICATED!!

Now – 3/6/11

After I vented in my journal that night and vented to people close to me, I realized how much I had been bottling up inside.  I was doing the best I could with the situation but growing very resentful in the process.  I remember feeling like I was going to explode when he questioned what I was doing to fix this.  I can look back now and see that his main concern was the marriage, not getting better for his sake.  He was using his disease against me in many ways and putting me on the defensive was just one of them.

He wanted me to show him that I wanted to fix the marriage, however keeping things as normal as possible for the sake of the kids was all I was interested in.  We had been to marriage counseling for quite awhile prior to finding out about his alcohol addiction and nothing had changed for me.  The interesting thing that I can see as I look back on that time is that as he questioned what I was doing to fix the situation that he created, I was beginning to take on a ‘victim’ role.  I was beginning to keep a score card entitled ‘What did I do to deserve this?’  The more he focused on me, the greater my focus became on my ‘sad story’.  Looking back I am grateful for his misguided anger because it brought into the spotlight many issues that I had ignored for a long time; his question actually created a different awareness for me than I believe he intended.

The more he pushed, the more I went inside to figure out what I had been avoiding for many years.  The main question – Was this marriage worth fixing?

Next week – Pressure to feel

“The big topic that came up during our argument was that he feels I don’t even want to be in a relationship.  He feels that when he’s recovered I don’t even want to stay around; he thinks I’ve already made up my mind on the subject and that nothing he does to get better is going to change that.

After rereading my journal (entries written in 2000) I realized that I have felt hurt, disappointment and lack of respect for many years and I’m still plugging along.  Why?  Good question.  I think due in large part to the kids; I don’t want to disrupt their lives.  They love their dad.  It’s also due in part to the fact that I come from a divorced family and I want better for my kids even though the situations are very different.

I’ll never forget the time I had gone to see Dr. ‘Brody’ (our marriage therapist) and I was so happy to tell her about a dream I had.  The dream was about all the things that I wouldn’t have ‘Carl’s’ help with if he wasn’t around (when the kids were younger his help was important to me).  I told her about the dream and felt like I had made a breakthrough regarding why I wanted ‘Carl’ in my life.  She listened and then said ‘But those are all the things that he does to help around the house.  What would you miss as a woman, emotionally, if he wasn’t around?’  I was dumbfounded.  Emotionally?  What would I miss?  Then I started to think about all the problems I wouldn’t have if he wasn’t in my life.  I’ll have to explore that idea soon.

Bottom line is that he feels I have made up my mind regarding our relationship.  I say, who knows what will happen?  I’ve lived with anger, frustration, disappointment and hurt for 10 years so what’s another 10 years?”

Now – 2/27/11

I was so torn at the time I wrote that journal entry.  I had ‘Carl’ hovering over me, testing me with his passive aggressive behavior, searching for answers to our future and fighting me when I didn’t have any to give.  I did not want my children to be the product of a divorce and wanted space to figure out what to do.  It was difficult for ‘Carl’ to give me space during the earlier years when we were happily married therefore, with the end of our marriage hanging in the lurch, he was suffocating me.

I did feel compassion for him.  I knew the uncertainty was driving him crazy but I was trying to make sense of many years of marital dysfunction, adding the newest revelation of his addiction onto the pile of issues.  The camel’s back was at a breaking point before the revelation; now I needed to put all the pieces of this warped puzzle together.

What I didn’t fully comprehend when I had previously shared my dream with my therapist was that I was beginning the separation process long before I found out he was an alcoholic.  When she asked me what I would miss emotionally, I thought about it during our session and then stuffed it away because I really wasn’t ready to address what my lack of answers might mean to my future.  I didn’t realize that such a simple question would become so difficult and so important for me to answer.

Unfortunately the role of defensiveness was contagious and less than two weeks later I was ready to blow.

Next week – What are you doing to fix this?

• Are you thinking about divorce? If so, what would you miss emotionally?
• Are you divorce? If so, have you found yourself with emotional longings for your ex?

I recently read an article by Molly Monet over at the Huffington Post Divorce section. Molly has been divorced a couple of years and thinks she holds the secret to a “peaceful divorce.” She has managed to build not only a civil relationship with her ex but they have remained friends. So friendly in fact that they have family dinners and take family vacations together.

If only the outcome of divorce could be half that pleasant for all of us! The reality is though, Molly and her situation isn’t the rule, it is the exception. But in Molly’s opinion those of us who ended up in a high conflict divorces did so because we didn’t behave ourselves during the divorce process.

She says, “As friends and readers tell me their horror stories about their exes and how poorly they handled their breakups, I often wonder to myself how did I get so lucky to have a peaceful divorce.”

There is a belief among those who were able to come through a divorce fairly unscathed that those of us who didn’t handled our situations poorly, that if we had worked a bit harder we also could be going out to dinner with our ex and taking “family” vacations.

I take exception to that belief! As someone who bent over backwards and played nice doggy when her ex was withholding money, disrespecting his children and using the legal system to abusehis family it gets my dander up for someone to tell me my ex behaved badly because I handled my divorce poorly.

I respect Molly and what she is striving to do for her family. I think the issue with Molly and people like her is that they are unable to view divorce but from one perspective…their own. They believe that if they made it work for them then everyone should be able to make it work also.

I was a lot like Molly when I first divorced. I had this idea in my head of no longer being married to my ex but building a friendship with him and co-parenting our children in a manner that promoted their best interest.

I had experience with divorce in my family. My paternal grandparents were divorced. They were friendly with each other. We used to go visit my grandmother and my grandfather would stay in her home during our visits. When he became ill with cancer she took him back into her home and cared for him until he passed away. They neither one ever remarried and are now buried next to each other.

My mother was married and divorced before she married my father. I have a half brother as a result. My mother and her first husband weren’t friends but they were civil toward each other and worked together for the sake of my brother. My brother has a collection of photos taken with him and both his parents throughout his life. If there was a gathering and both parents were there they made sure to get a “family” photo of the three of them. There was never a time that I remember seeing my mother and her first husband engage in conflict. And I certainly never heard her disparage him in anyway.

When my ex decided he could no longer stay in our marriage I naturally thought we would end up having a relationship similar to those that I had experienced as a child of divorced relatives. I expected more than my ex was willing to give me, his children or himself.

Every time I extended the hand of friendship it got slapped. The man wanting NOTHING to do with being civil. It took me 3 years of attempting to play nice to realize I was pissing into the wind and only damaging myself by continuing to “work” at building the kind of relationship with him that I had witnessed as a child.

In the comment section of her article Molly said, “A friend of mine posted something beautiful on my FB link to this article. She quoted Emily Dickinson saying “Luck is not chance; it is toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.” Our peace took work and that’s what I want to show people. Others who are willing to make the effort could get similar results.”

Molly has this stubborn need to believe that those of us who have spent years suffering the negative consequences of the bad behavior of another person or just unlucky because we didn’t “toil.” We weren’t willing to put forth the effort so we must have earned what we got.

Those of us who have dealt with abusive exes do without a support system because of beliefs like that. We learn to keep our mouths shut and suffer in silence because opening up and talking about our high conflict divorce doesn’t get us empathy, it gets us judgments from those who haven’t learned that their perspective is not the only perspective.

I’ve been in a very lonely place for over a decade. My family is not supportive. After all they experienced “peaceful” divorces and in their opinion there must be something wrong with ME, if not my ex would be sharing meals and taking vacations with his children and I.

The majority of my friends and family suffer the same lack of insight that Molly does. They have an inability to look outside their own experiences and realize that every story is unique. Our own perspective shapes what seems right and wrong. Seeing something from a different perspective can raise our awareness and enable us to show compassion and empathy for the situations of others.

Molly filters everything by her own personal history, her beliefs, motivations and concepts that she holds true. So do I but the difference between Molly and I is that I’ve seen both sides of the coin so my perspective is broader. I’m able to see things from her perspective and my own because I’ve lived both. And, I’m also aware that just because something worked for me doesn’t mean it will or should work for everyone else.

It can take courage to see the perspective of the other person’s situation, acknowledge it and then look for the best solution for both. I think Molly believes she has a one size fits all solution to the problems that arise due to divorce. That belief is dangerous for Molly and women who buy into Molly’s advice. Molly isn’t offering solutions; she is misleading people by showing only her perspective and dismissing the idea that there isn’t one solution for all situations.

I’d like to talk to Molly again in ten years after her ex has remarried and has a wife who doesn’t buy into him having dinner and taking vacations with his ex-wife. Or, after her ex-husband gets tired of playing house with his ex-wife. When she has some true experience with the outcome of divorce I’d like to talk to her.

I’ll do something for her at that time that she hasn’t done for women like me, I’ll listen, attempt to view her problem from her perspective and show her some empathy. I don’t wish Molly conflict in her life BUT things change and with her inability to understand that her situation isn’t static the time is going to come when Molly will need understanding, empathy and compassion. Good thing for her there will be women open enough to not only offer her support but listen to her without judgment.

I read with interest an article by Susan Pease Gadoua over at The Huffington Post about the differences between men and women when it comes to working through conflict or distance in a relationship.

I get a wee bit frustrated when I read articles filled with assumptions written by experts. When will experts stop lying to us and perpetuating untruths or societal beliefs that are just not true? According to Ms. Gadoua:

“When straight couples have a fight or experience a rift in their relationship, women want to talk things out and perhaps make love later (when they feel more connected); men want to connect by making love and (maybe) talking later.

One husband told me recently that he thinks that the problems he and his wife were having would all be solved by going away for a long, sex-filled weekend. His wife saw this idea as nothing more than a superficial quick-fix.”

Where is the lie in the above quote? It’s the men want to do this and the women want to do that statements. Especially when it comes to sex. There is a belief held by most that all men are interested in sex. That sex is their first thought in the morning and last thought in the evening.

An estimated 20 million marriages in the U.S. are without physical passion. Framed differently, 15 percent to 20 percent of American couples have sex 10 times per year or less. Such issues are rarely one-sided. Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally.

What has this got to do with anything? It’s about the fact that when we hear about a sexless marriage we normally think some wife is withholding sex from her husband. As the above statement says though, withholding is equal opportunity and many women out there are blaming themselves for their husband’s lack of sexual appetite.

When finding herself in a sexless marriage a wife can feel confused and hurt over what she feels is irrational behavior from her husband. We learn from an early age that men want sex…period. What we women need to know is that, according to He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore 44% of men surveyed expressed a lack of interest in sex in general. Not just a lack of interest in sex with their wives but with anyone at all.

I think a better view of the issue would be to say that SOME women want to talk about marital problems and have sex later and SOME men don’t want to talk OR have sex. It’s time to get real with women about SOME men.