My divorce caught me off guard. I had no time to plan my emotional response and being the planner I am I found that a bit disconcerting. Actually I was highly pissed. Want to set my world a twirl? Pull the rug out from under it!

I had studied Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in college. I knew of the Five Stages of Grief…no surprise that it took a woman to figure out that there were stages. The problem was, I had studied them, knew them but had not planned on applying them to real life…not at that time anyway.

There is Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What I didn’t learn in college is, one doesn’t move smoothly from one stage to the other. There was no beginning, middle or end for each stage and most stages I visited several times.

So, while attempting to manage your emotional recovery, give yourself a break. You will move through recovery at your own pace, angry one week, in denial the next. You will come to the point of acceptance though, hopefully sooner than later.

The Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

This was my favorite. Nothing like moving through a storm and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyches way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

Denial is a useful coping mechanism, as long as it doesn’t keep you from progressing onto the next stage. Use this stage to your benefit but don’t abuse it. After a while refusing to face reality becomes a very unattractive trait.

Anger:

This stage I visited often. Seriously, when your world is falling down around you who better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex husband? If the car battery died, guess who I blamed? If it rained on a day I had planned to go the beach, it was his fault. I had no role in any adversity that came my way!

During the anger phase he became the worst lover I had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp…my anger did a number on him and his character.

My advice about the Anger Stage? Have at it! As long as there are no little ears to hear your disparaging and insulting remarks about your ex feel free to let out all the pent up anger you stuffed during the Denial Stage.

Bargaining:

In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “oh dear, I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with him, turn myself inside if need be but I can’t go through this.”

It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life but it was a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now.

During this stage my ex was the best lover I had ever had. I missed his beautiful face and his manly demeanor. He was God’s gift and I wanted him back. Thankful for me I moved quite swiftly through the Bargaining Stage.

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce. If you are the leaver, it is during this stage that you will either realize you’ve made the right decision or a mistake.

If you are the leavee this is the stage where you will begin to pursue your husband. You want him back at all costs to you and your self-esteem. The thing to remember is; he will also go through the Bargaining Stage. If he has made a mistake he will realize it and undo that which he has set in motion.

So save yourself esteem, don’t pursue because if he wants to come home he will do it on his own steam.

Depression:

You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of thi stage. Sadness, debilitating sadness becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we all expect. We know that depression is going to hit, what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief.

You may not bathe for three days during the Denial Stage. Hair care takes a back seat during the Anger Stage, so much so that you begin to look like Hagalina Magalina.

You’re a smart cookie though and have surrounded yourself with a good support system. You’ve gotten into therapy and counseling because the support of girlfriends goes a long way but there is no substitute for expert advice during the depression that accompanies divorce.

Cry it out and talk, talk, talk to someone who is trained to help you eliminate those toxic emotions.

Acceptance:

You’ll love this stage. When it hits you’ll throw your head back and laugh. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through adversity and learned from it. Full steam ahead!

Be warned though, acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage.

You’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation though. You may always have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage BUT it is regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in the grief…if lucky you are no longer grieving. If there are still feelings of grief they are at least no longer holding you back from living life.

More Articles:

Divorce Recovery: Beware Expectations

How to Handle Your Emotions During Divorce

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My life over the last few months has been about work…making Divorced Women Online the best I knew it could be. Then there is the elderly parent and the teenage son. They don’t take a lot of time but they do deplete emotional energy which leaves less motivation to get up and get busy with a regular exercise routine.

I’ve also had some health issues that caused fatigue and pain. Instead of working through the pain I’ve chosen to allow the pain to take control. Not my normal nature but hey, life throws us curve balls at times and we deal as best we can.

I noticed over the weekend that I’m doing some emotional eating. A twinge of anxiety found me standing in front of an open refrigerator. A hint if the doldrums and the pantry door flew open. I was filling all the empty places with food…food that was quick and easy. Food that leaves it mark on my hips, thighs and waistline and psyche.

I should seriously consider buying sweatpants that read “Oreos” across the seat. Either that or get up and get moving which I think is the better option.

So, this is going to be the first of many ( I hope) posts that will follow my leap from my office chair to the treadmill. If not the treadmill the pavement.

The problem for those of us who are hoping to get back into a fitness routine after a fitness break is going from contemplation to action. I’m in a contemplating frame of mind and I’m finding my greatest hurdle to be getting up and getting going.

I want to go back to this time last year. I weighed 20 pounds less and put taking care of myself physically and emotionally on the top of my list of things to do. Today my fitness life is defined by inertia. If you are feeling that same inertia below are a few tips to help you get up and get moving.

How to go from inactive to active:

Contemplation: All good things start with a thought. If you are like me they way back is to first contemplate but not for too long. And no negative contemplation. The only way to get up off the couch and get going is to talk yourself into a regular exercise routine, not talk yourself out of one.

Preparation: Being prepared, for me at least means deciding on what activity I will enjoy and will fit into my schedule. I know from experience that working out in the evenings better suits me and my lifestyle. So, it will be power walks around the neighborhood and 30 minutes on the treadmill. I also know that if I don’t do it nightly it won’t become a regular part of my routine.

The key is to not push yourself into doing something your aren’t going to enjoy. Find that perfect activity that is going to give you the benefits you are looking for and keep you motivated to make it a regular routine.

Take Action: This is the hard part…get up and get going! No moving back into the contemplate stage. The time for thinking about it is past. The reality is, it should only take a few months at most to get back to a good level of fitness. Think of it this way, time is going to pass whether you get active or not. How you feel in a few short months depends on how active you become today.

Slow and steady wins the race, so if you’re coming back to exercise after a break, don’t push yourself to get right back up to your old fitness level too soon. Little and often is a good way to start; getting out for moderate exercise twenty minutes every day is better than mammoth sessions with many days in between, and daily exercise can help with the psychological aspects of forming a good workout habit. If you’ve been putting off starting, there’s no time like the present! The sooner you get moving, the easier it will be.

• Have you been on a fitness break?
• What were the circumstances that lead to your break?
• What is your action plan?

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Traveling alone for the first time?

As if divorce didn’t carry enough changes to get used to, there’s the sticky issue of finding yourself a single woman faced with the prospect of travel. On your own.

Maybe you traveled alone before you were married, but it’s been years. Maybe you still travel alone on business, and you’re used to that. You have clients to see, meetings to attend, colleagues to have a drink with.

But vacation? Or a road trip with your children? Is this just one more mountainous obstacle to adjust to – with trepidation and uncertainty?

Overseas travel adventures

I’m fortunate in that I have traveled to Europe, Eastern Europe, the Caribbean, and all over the US since I was quite young. And on my own. Some of that travel was entirely related to my interest in foreign languages, and living experiences abroad (in France), and subsequently, study and work assignments that took me not only to Paris, but to the UK, Holland, Belgium, and Switzerland.

As for the islands and many more trips to both the City of Lights and the South of France? Those were for pleasure and vacation, and before I ever married. Most of the time I made those excursions on my own. When I could, I made plans with a girlfriend. What 20-something or 30-something doesn’t prefer her BFF for wild adventures on a pink beach in Bermuda, or umbrella-decorated cocktails beside a tropical beach?

Whether with a friend or alone, I wasn’t about to not see the world because I wasn’t part of a couple. Nor was I willing to go without a much needed break in a harried and stressful professional life, even if a friend couldn’t schedule time off to join in the fun.

Vacationing in the islands alone

I took many vacations on my own. I am, admittedly, outgoing. And I was  (when I was younger) utterly fearless about hopping on a plane for the next island or country to explore – preferably French speaking!

I knew to consider basic safety rules – always:

• Don’t go off with strangers
• Use a reputable hotel (with concierge, preferably)
• Leave valuables at home
• No off-the-beaten-path wandering by myself
• Listen to my gut – always.

I have memorable scenes of Florida, Guadeloupe, Jamaica, and many other delicious destination spots where I relaxed, read, walked, ate well, swam, met wonderful people (couples and singles), and generally had a grand time. If I had been unwilling to explore the world on my own – I would never have seen it!

Women traveling alone

My ex and I didn’t do much vacationing. There were trips to Europe to see his family (with the kids in tow), and not much more than that. While I still traveled on my own for business, those trips, once I had children, became very few and far between.

As for vacations since my divorce?

Budget has been a considerable constraint, and of course – so has parenting. I’ve had my children with me about 95% of the time for the past 9 years. Family vacations (with me) have been impossible. Solo vacations as well.

Still, there has been the occasional long weekend to a far-off American city for museum-hopping and a little socializing. And fortunately, there have been opportunities when my boys weren’t home and I’ve had a chance to travel to Paris and the South of France, either to write, or for a few days break.

Hop overseas just for a few days? Yes, I’ve done it, just as I did in my 20s.

Tips for women traveling alone

I admit I’m a relatively seasoned traveler. I also admit I find traveling more challenging as I get older. I have to turn to my overseas packing tips – and it takes me longer to manage than it used to! There are also aches and pains I didn’t have in my 20s and 30s, so long flights are more uncomfortable.

And fear? Fear of the unknown? Knowing that you have to be responsible for yourself, and every other detail? Isn’t that part of adulthood? Isn’t that a fair price for adventure, for relaxation, for seeing a new city and possibly making new friends?

Again, I keep basic safety rules in mind.

• I plan ahead with reliable airlines and hotels.
• When I’ve been happy with a hotel, I return.
• When I’ve rented a flat overseas, I triple check the references.
• I always stay in safe neighborhoods.
• Again – valuables stay at home!
• I stay cautiously open to any encounters with new people.
• I anticipate inconveniences (and bring extra undies, prescriptions, and so on).

Special travel scenarios for women

In the coming months, I need to make at least one road trip with my teenage son. He is not a fully licensed driver as yet. Nor is he vehicle savvy – and I’m certainly not. That sort of travel scenario holds far more concern for me than other sorts of travel.

It is exactly the kind of thing I would prefer to do with a man along. But that isn’t an option at this time.

Fearful? Yes. But I have a good roadside assistance plan. I’ll be sure to travel in a vehicle that is tuned-up and checked out. And I won’t be driving at night or off the beaten path.

Travel tours to luxury destinations

Who  hasn’t read or seen Under the Tuscan Sun? It’s a delightful story, and the heroine, newly divorced, takes a group excursion to Italy. There, she spontaneously abandons the tour, purchases a run-down villa, and builds herself a new life.

It’s a charming tale, and the bravery of this character (based on a true story) has always stayed with me. But my point here is the concept of traveling with a group. If you wish to take a vacation – to an exotic or luxury destination, on safari, or skiing in the Alps – then do consider a reputable tour that makes sense for your age and the demographics of the group.

There are plenty of options, built-in company, structure that may allay some of your fears, and you could have a fabulous time.

Live your best life – your way

The bottom line is that some marriages end. And we don’t all take up with a fairy tale “next great guy” in the year or two that follow.

Does that mean we shouldn’t see the world? Take a vacation to Martinique, to Peru to climb Machu Pichu? To the Riviera, because we’ve always wanted to see it? Or put together family vacations for our children and ourselves – to the Grand Canyon? To the Golden Gate? To scuba in the South Pacific if you have the budget?

In my book, we have one life. We’d best go for it. So I travel – when I can. And I do so with the excitement that many wonderful adventures await. Including new friends, new sights, new sounds, new tastes.

I put a smile on my face and I do talk to strangers. Judiciously. And I’ve never regretted traveling alone. Not before my divorce. And not since.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Pulling together your elements of style

Ready to strut your stuff à la Française?  As we continue pulling the elements of style together, it’s time to get wild. And that means accessories. It’s amazing how much you can turn up the volume – or down – when you change the jewelry, scarves, shoes, purses, watches and anything else you’d like to use to spice up your individual look.

Not sure where to begin? It’s easy! So let’s get going on Lesson Four – accessories, and specifically, the signature accessory.

• Find your style
• The right perfume
• The French scarf
• The signature accessory
• Confidence

Accessories: A sign of individuality

Do you have a favorite brooch from your Great Aunt Hilda? A drawer full of your grandmother’s costume jewelry from sixties? Some crazy bangles you used to wear in college by the armload?

Accessories are, of course, more than jewelry. They include hats, scarves, purses, shoes, belts, gloves, and whatever adornments you may use to spruce up even the simplest outfit – adding interest, pattern, color, texture, and – most important of all – reflecting who you are. Even a little cardigan or your favorite denim jacket may be viewed as an accessory.

As for how to accessorize? Whether you’re trying to learn how to accessorize your little black dress for an evening event, or jeans and a tank top for a coffee date, remember the basics from our Introduction and Lesson One – honor your body type, proportion, and know your style.

If you’re overwhelmed by choices, use the analogy of putting together interiors. Think of a basic couch in a neutral color. By changing the sofa pillows – their shape, color, fabric, scale, and texture – you transform the energy in the entire room. In similar fashion, switching up the accessories on a classic outfit will subtly or strikingly alter the look.

The signature accessory

While I refer to “a signature accessory,” that doesn’t restrict you to a single item. Over the years, you may pick up one or more signature accessories that work with a variety of outfits. In my case, cuff bracelets, bold earrings and scarves are very much my signature. With small hands and tiny wrists, rings and standard bracelets don’t work on me. But cuffs? I adore the sleek and modernist look, and they always fit. I have two, both purchased in France, and I wear them often.

Another accessory style statement that I adore? Pearls. Piles of pearls at the neck, luxuriant and layered. Eh oui, it’s very Carrie Bradshaw in one of her many fashion phases – lavish, flirty, and with a touch of decadence! But they aren’t for every mood or venue.  Accessories should be appropriate to occasion and attire, and I’ll say it again – proportion, proportion, proportion. If you love exuberant excess – go for it – but scale it back if you’re on the shorter side.

French women and the signature accessory

Why do I associate the signature accessory with French style? As with all things I’ve experienced in France, fashion and beauty reflect quality, not quantity, and the individual, not a game of follow the leader.

You are far more likely to find a select set of chic and mixable pieces in a French woman’s placard, rather than a hundred options of low quality that make no sense. Likewise, jewelry, scarves, shoes, bags and belts – even glasses and sunglasses – will reveal and honor the woman and her stories. They will suit her, or she will not wear them.

Where to purchase the perfect accessories

Whether it’s a dozen gold bangles, as seen on Padma Lakshmi, three of your grandmother’s stickpins that make you smile, or a signature scarf – the perfect accessories may be as close as a vintage shop, your local department store, a meaningful journey, or your mother’s jewelry box. You may also find treasures by shopping in your own closet with a fresh eye.

Enjoying accessories is about the freedom to express your individuality – whether you’re dressed up or dressed down. Try different combinations. See how you feel in each. The best necklaces, earrings, scarves, belts, jackets or any other embellishment shouldn’t hide you or swallow you up. Accessories should enhance your appearance, make sense with your style, and tell your stories. It’s all about being at home in your skin – your truest, most playful, most genuine, most magnificent self.

© D A Wolf

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A Babe is an adult…

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Has it been awhile since you were out there, socially? Are you afraid to walk into a dinner party, a casual gathering, or any other social setting now that you’re on your own? Do you know how to work a room?

Many of us suffer from some small measure of social anxiety. Or more than a small measure. Dare I say an abundance of agita? And after divorce? It seems like every one of our insecurities rears its ugly head. Even an informal environment that requires conversation or – heaven forbid – flirtation, is a potential minefield.

Break out the Tums, the anti-anxiety meds, or a few glasses of liquid courage.

Well, you’re not alone. And there may be a few alternatives to meds, booze, or the perpetual blues when you have to face the social scene on your own.

Ice breakers in a social context

Some of us learn to break the ice in our professions. We have to, or we’ll never get the job done. We’re required to engage co-workers, clients, prospective customers. If we teach or give seminars as part of our working life, we must overcome the fear of public speaking, and do – by learning tricks to put ourselves at ease, and to break the ice.

But socially, we may remain uncomfortable. As women, especially, we often worry about our appearance. The inner dialog may include some of the following:

• Damn, all the women are so much prettier.
• Damn, I should’ve worn a dress.
• Damn, I should’ve worn my jeans.
• Damn, I’m wearing too much perfume.
• Damn, I put on too much makeup.
• Damn, I should’ve worn more makeup!
• Damn, why didn’t I lose those ten pounds?
• Damn, they’re all so young!

Does any of that sound familiar? Well it’s been my internal dialog at various points, including long before I ever married. Those questions ran through my head any time I had to enter the social scene and even dream of chatting with strangers – men and women, both. But over the years, I learned to apply a few of my business ice breaker tactics to my personal life. And the same principles of working a room are quite effective.

Preparation, practice, and confidence

Whether it’s a dinner party, a wedding party, a luncheon, or the bar scene at a crowded club, the same principles apply. First of all, a little preparation goes a long way.

• Know your goals in attending (personal, professional).
• Know something of the ambiance you can expect (formal, casual, etc.).
• Find out the sort of people likely to be present (age range, professions).
• Formulate a few good opening lines or conversational topics before attending.
• If you need to – practice them! And the possible follow-up.

If there is a professional theme running through the gathering, you have plenty of topics that you could potentially use to break the ice. For example, you could ask what someone thinks about a new development in your field, or a particular trend.

If there is a special interest theme (sports, music, art), you have many gateways into the conversation, including someone’s favorite team, game, performance, exhibition, and why they hold that opinion.

If these are other parents, you can ask about children, their schools, their interests. Who doesn’t love to talk about their kids?

What else? Practice! Get out there.  The worst that can happen? You’ll be a little uncomfortable. You’ll learn from the rough spots. And then you will get out there again. Use whatever metaphor you’d like – getting up after falling off the horse, walking before you run. But do it. Start small. Then keep going.

As you do, you gain confidence – you’re facing your fear head-on, and each time you will improve. Slowly you’ll find you are widening your circles, and enjoying new social arenas, making friends, meeting interesting people. Connecting in ways that will enrich your life.

Opening lines that may help break the ice

You don’t have to use the old standby lines like “Do you come here often?” But there may be variations that are less cliché, and very workable. For example, these are effective in almost any context:

• Hi. My name is Jane. Are you enjoying yourself here?
• Hi. My name is Lulu. I’ve never been here before. What do you think of these gatherings?
• Hi. I’m Sylvia. I find these crowds to be a little daunting, but you seem at ease. How do you manage it?

Do you notice that there’s nothing particularly original in any of those ice breakers?

Of course if you can come up with something funny, surprising, or thoughtful – do! Perhaps you want to comment on an entertaining bow-tie, or a smashing tattoo. But what the lines above have in common is introducing yourself (that lets down barriers), showing a bit of vulnerability (it puts the other person at ease) and, they’re open-ended questions.

That’s the point. Ask questions. Then listen, observe, and engage. Remember that attentive listening is rare, and a balanced exchange of talking and listening is critical to an enjoyable chat with anyone, for any purpose. There’s a reason it’s called the “art of conversation.” And beneath every art lies craft – tools and tricks that you can master.

Learn to work the room. I know you can do it.

© D A Wolf  

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Time for your next French Lesson?

You’re almost an expert at this point. Ready to pour a glass of Cabernet, roll those R’s, and hit the road with style and confidence? Here’s our lesson plan, and we’re about to embark on one of my all time favorites…scarves!

• Find your style
• The power of perfume
• The French scarf
• The signature accessory
• Confidence

A scarf, by any other name (shall we say “foulard”?)

Dance of the seven veils? Forget it! Invest in a few good scarves. Then learn the endless ways to tie them. For the office. For an outing at a coffee shop. For seduction. And everything in between.

Did you ever see the film, Le Divorce? If not, I recommend it. As chick flicks go, it’s one of my favorites. For one thing, it boasts a marvelous American and French cast (Kate Hudson, Glenn Close, Leslie Caron, Jean-Marc Barr). It’s also a tale of love, betrayal, family, and new love – what’s not to adore about these universally recognizable themes?

As for the gorgeous backdrops of Paris and the French countryside, you’ll feel as though you’ve vacationed in France, free of charge. And my main reason for mentioning this movie? It genuinely captures the French woman’s passion for fashion, and her mastery of the scarf.

In fact, both the scarf and a very elegant Kelly bag from Hermès play rollicking roles in this delightful movie. And realistic, when it comes to le foulard – the French scarf. If you purchase just one accessory – make it a scarf, whether your budget is $20 or $2200! Select something that is versatile, vivacious, and you – whatever evolving and unfolding “you” that means. And be prepared to astonish yourself at all the ways you can change your look.

My preference? Three or four scarves at $15 – $20, though I admit (sheepishly) to about a dozen in my closet. And I wear them all the time – as do some of the most style-savvy women I know.

How to select a scarf: proportion, pattern, and more

I must confess: I was late to comprehending the art of the French scarf, ifs ferocious folly, its formidable fabulosity. But by my thirties (thanks to many trips to the French capitol), I got it.

There are only a few rules when it comes to decking yourself out in the right range of scarves:

• Any color that suits you – go for it! Almost anything can work with black, and a brilliant hue will brighten your face immeasurably.
• You can wear the same classic pieces often, switch the scarf and the way you tie it, and you’ve got a whole new look.
• Pattern can add even more interest, and compliment your chosen style – floral and flirty (for the Bohemian chic), geometric (to add interest to the tailored and minimalist look).
• Proportion, proportion, proportion.

Scarf styling examples

Remember those little silk squares our mothers and grandmothers wore, to hold hair in place or tied in a tiny knot around the neck? It’s fine if you’re Grace Kelly (what isn’t?), but a fashion don’t for most of us unless you’re very young, very tall, or channeling the 1950s. (C’est mon avis – what can I tell you?)

More?

Wearing something small and wispy does nothing to enhance your stature, to make a statement, or even to keep you warm on a chilly day (better off to go with a striking necklace). And as for moi – I’m a tiny woman who is amply endowed, and thus, a scarf bunched at my neck not only shortens me, but calls attention to my chest – and not in a good way. Fabric that is too heavy or too thick pulls me down. But other than that?

The options are only limited by the imagination these days. Scarves come in a variety of shapes and lengths, patterns, colors, materials, and prices. Just remember the proportion rule, always. Then loop, swoop, drape and tie to your heart’s content!

My French style guru: A femme d’un certain âge

Care for some examples? Not only of the art of the scarf, but near daily tips on French style and fashion? My go to gal-pal is a fashion and style journalist who lives in the metro Paris region, writing on her blog, A Femme d’un Certain Age, where she offers daily detail on French style. In a recent regular feature (April 2), this very same fabulous femme dealt with a few of the wondrous ways of wearing scarves – so check it out – straight from the streets of Paris.

Do notice that when you peek at candids taken of celebs in Paris, or any woman on the street, they almost always have a scarf wrapped around their necks, with a certain insouciance which is so French, and so sexy. (Who doesn’t love a dollop of nonchalance, and “of course I’m chic” confidence?)
And a special merci to Tish and her talented cohort in classic crime, Edith, who provides elegant illustrations on the blog, including those in this article.

The scarf – your most versatile accessory

As for colors, fabrics, styles, seasons and the all important ways to wear a scarf? Endless!

I have a number of scarves that I routinely circulate. One is a geometric black and white print, which I wear it as a shawl, circled twice around my neck and then dangling loose, or asymmetrically wrapped once and draped over a single shoulder. Another is sheer black silk, also long, that I wear for dress. A bold purple linen scarf I loop three ways, varying by hair, earrings, as well as by ensemble: with black jeans when dressing down, and a black skirt and fitted sweater, when upping the volume.

This Spring? I have a hot pink raw silk scarf, picked up on the streets of Paris (for a song) – and it’s going to get plenty of use. The past few summers, my favorite has been a mossy scarf of netting that shows a sexy bit of sun-kissed shoulder.

Any number of sites on the web can show you how to tie a scarf, in more ways than you can count. And try Google using comment porter un foulard to see how French women approach the matter – everything from comfortable to classic, and playful to precocious.

And if you haven’t seen the movie, do pick up Le Divorce. Enjoy the film, and the scarves – and have fun!

Bangles, baubles, broaches and more – coming soon, in Lesson Four.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Where were we – Paris?

Now that you’ve been flipping through magazines, checking out great sites on style and fashion, perusing your own closet – do you have a better idea of your style? Or several styles that might appeal to you? Starting to feel just a little bit oo-la-la?

Have you been factoring in your lifestyle, your job, your kids, your climate, your budget? You don’t have to have it all figured out yet, but if you’ve begun, then you’re ready for Lesson Two – the power of perfume.
And just in case you’ve been sipping an aperitif (or deux), here’s a little reminder of our lesson plan:

• Find your style
• The power of perfume
• The French scarf
• The signature accessory
• Confidence

Fragrance evokes memory

Just how powerful is the sense of smell?

Can you conjure the scent of fresh cut roses? A hint of gardenia, or night jasmine? Is there a memory attached? Not only will flowers flood us with wondrous recollections, but cooking aromas may evoke similar responses. Think about cinnamon, vanilla, breads and cakes baking in the oven.

Is it any surprise that the floral or spicy heart of a perfume may spark feelings of sensuality, sexuality, audacity, adventure, romance, and contentment?

So how do you find a new fragrance – one that suits you when you’re up for a change?

Choosing the perfume that’s right for you

I had a friend in college who wore Chloé. For me, this young woman personified sophistication, creativity, and exotic beauty. And that’s when I fell in love with perfume.

To this day, if I catch a trace of that particular fragrance in the air, I instantaneously time travel – to myself at 17, to the fun of that friendship, to our year as roommates in an apartment in Paris, and to an incredible sense of well-being. On her skin, that fragrance was magic. So much so, that it is embedded in my memory, and inseparable from a wonderful time in my life.

Of course I tried Chloé on my skin, but it never worked for me, no matter how many times I spritzed or dabbed. But I found other fragrances that mixed with my body chemistry and enhanced my personality: Halston in the 70s, Calvin Klein in the 80s, Estée Lauder in the 90s – and each recalls a certain “life.” When I reclaimed my single status some years back, I wanted something new. I tried numerous perfumes, and eventually, on the recommendation of a French friend, I found just the right Chanel. On my skin? Mmm. Perfection.

Testing your fragrance types

Just as you might realize that two or three fashion styles suit you, you may prefer more than one fragrance. Something to go with a mood, a season, or what you’re wearing. Why not something light and citrusy for day time or jeans, and something spicier for evenings or for seduction?

Perhaps, like me, you fall madly in love with one fragrance at a time (a sort of sensory serial monogamy), and it quickly becomes part of your signature style.

So here’s your homework. Take a leisurely stroll by the perfume counters at your favorite department store. Try the testers. Spray a little on each wrist. (Remember – pulse points hold fragrance. Wrists, back of knees, between the breasts, the neck, behind the ears.) Now allow some time. Walk around. Window shop! And see what you think several hours later.

What appeals to you? Perfumes, like wines, are categorized in ways that express the richness and complexity of their ingredients. In the case of perfumes, you may see references to fragrances that are:

• Floral (sweet, bright, fruity)
• Fresh (citrusy, grassy)
• Spicy (Oriental)
• Woody (musk , amber)

Perfumes are, after all, a distillation of essential oils originating from a variety of ingredients – generally from flowers mixed with spices, bark, and other organic elements. Synthetic materials are used to heighten the intensity of the smell, or prolong its staying power.

And by the way, if you’re confused about the difference between a parfum (perfume), eau de parfum, eau de toilette, or eau de cologne – you’re not alone! Basically, these differentiations have to do with the concentration of essential oils, with perfume at the high (concentrated) end – and thus most expensive – followed by eau de parfum, then eau de toilette, which is sometimes used interchangeably with eau de cologne.

Famous French Perfumes, Celebrity Perfumes, Fashion Perfumes

French women (and men) understand and appreciate the allure of scent, its lasting impact on our moods, and certainly, our memories. Care for some examples of legendary French perfumes?

Shalimar by Guérlain, released in 1925, is described as both floral-Oriental and amber-woody. It contains lemon, jasmine, rose, iris, and notes of vanilla.

• Chanel No 5, a classic, dating to 1922, contains notes of rose, jasmine, and spicy traces of musk and cinnamon.
• Arpège by Lanvin, released in 1925, is one of the most famous fragrances in the world – as well as having one of the most recognizable bottles to contain it.
• Joy by Jean Patou, created in 1929, is considered one of the greatest floral perfumes ever, and its price reflects that fact. A single ounce of this luxurious fragrance requires more than 10,000 jasmine flowers and 28 dozen roses!

Celebrity endorsements abound in everything these days, and perfume is no exception. Examples include scents branded by Jennifer Lopez, Celine Dion, Gwen Stefani, and many others.

Fashion houses frequently launch perfumes to accompany their clothing lines, just as couturier Coco Chanel did in the 1920s. Contemporary examples are plentiful – Calvin Klein, Yves Saint Laurent, Dolce and Gabbana, Gucci, and Vera Wang to name a few. Visit sites like Perfume.com, Sephora.com, or any number of online perfumeries, boutiques, and department stores to see the incredible variety available.

Scents and sensibilities

Now for a few practical tips on your fragrance selection:

• Don’t be the woman whose heavy perfume warrants a 911 call. No need for an olfactory overdose! You want a hint of fragrance to linger in the air, not to leave bodies in your wake. Err on the safe side: when it comes to perfume, less is more.
• When you choose a perfume, keep in mind that the fragrance will change as the hours wear on. That first scent impression? That’s called the top note, but it evaporates quickly. You will smell the middle note a bit later, and the final note is the essence of the perfume’s scent, and will remain for hours.
• Every wearer’s body chemistry is different. In addition, hormonal changes, illness, or medications can affect how perfume combines with your skin. Keep that in mind when purchasing. And remember – test, and then walk away. Allow the scent some time on your skin before pulling out the credit card.
• Does your desired perfume seem too pricey? Consider an eau de toilette instead of the perfume. It may be equally fabulous on your skin, but a lower cost alternative.
• Many women consider a fine perfume an investment. My fragrance? It’s not inexpensive, but calculated on a daily basis, it’s only about 35 cents a day. I’d say I’m worth that, wouldn’t you?
• Be sure to store your perfume somewhere cool, and if you prefer your fragrance in a gorgeous bottle with a stopper, don’t leave the top off! Heat, light and oxygen all impact the scent.

Finding your fragrance style

Floral? Spicy? More drawn to musk?

As you try out a variety of scents, take your time and enjoy the process. Fragrance is absorbed into your skin; it becomes part of you, and should feel like you, just as your emerging or updated style should. I know that my fragrance is as much “me” as my tendency to blush, my natural desire to touch in the company of a man, or the twinkle in my eye when I’m up to a little mischief.

Whether you choose to wear a fragrance according to mood, to season, to style, or to celebrate a significant life change – whether it’s one perfume or three – whether you select it with a loved one or on your own, know that a fragrance is a gift you give to yourself.

Just as I will always remember my friend in Chloé, for some of us, fragrance is a sensual and sensory necessity, a sultry source of private pleasure to be savored, alone, or with a partner. So go for it. Be comfortable in your own skin – literally. Scent is primal. It’s powerful. And that’s something French women have known and reveled in, to their advantage, for centuries.

What’s next? Lesson Three: The French scarf – one of the most versatile accessories in existence!

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Fashion Flair, The French Way

Fashion flair, the French way: Lesson One – Find your style

Mama Needs a Brand New Bag

Ready for Paris?

I already fessed up to not being a fashion consultant in my introduction to French Fashion Flair. Not officially anyway. But the fact is, I’ve loved each and every opportunity to spend time with women friends, as they’ve adjusted their wardrobes, their hairstyles, and even their interiors. And I’ve given myself a makeover many a time, including post divorce.  I’ll chalk all this up to an artistic eye, an adult fascination with “dress up” that’s as enthusiastic as it was at age ten, and many trips to the City of Lights, where elegance and playfulness are always in style.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, did you do your homework?  Did you open a fashion magazine, or page through some sites online, like Style.com or others?

And you get extra credit if you thought to poke around in your own closet, to see what works, what’s never been worn, what’s hopelessly outdated, or simply not this you.

Remember – this is the agenda, in five easy lessons.

• Find your style
• The power of perfume
• The French scarf
• The signature accessory
• Confidence

Now – let’s get going on Lesson One!

Lesson One:  Find your style, know what you like, be your own woman

Style is accessible no matter what your age, your circumstance, or your budget. It’s all about deciding what you like, what makes you feel good, and what helps you feel like your best self.

You may already know whom you admire, when it comes to personal taste and fashion sense. Perhaps it is a celebrity – an actress or model. Maybe it’s Scarlett Johansson, Victoria Beckham, Heidi Klum, or the sexy and chic Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep. Could it be Madonna in the 80s, or Madonna in the 90s, and still Madonna, as she has managed to transform herself over 25 years?  Maybe you turn to film icons Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, or Grace Kelly (do give plenty of credit to designers Givenchy and Edith Head). Or, your style guru may be the creator of the little black dress herself – Coco Chanel.

Personally, I adore all these women, not to mention the dramatically divergent and equally audacious styles of Kim Cattrall (Samantha in Sex and the City), designer Betsy Johnson, and star stylist Rachel Zoe.

Fashionable, every day

If you know what you like in others, you have clues to what you will like in yourself. This is as true when it comes to character or personality by the way, as it is when it comes to personal style. And if there’s great variation in those you admire? Everything from minimalist and tailored, to Boho (Bohemian) chic?

There’s no rule book that says you can’t adopt several sorts of looks. Or rather, if there is a rule book like that, I for one have always ignored it. And that’s the essence of Lesson One: find what you like, be your own woman.

In other words, there are two or three looks that I adore, and they all work well for me. Why shouldn’t I acknowledge that each is a part of my personality, and I can clothe myself accordingly? I know who I am. I know what I like. I am my own woman.

Why are French women so successful at carrying off whatever look they choose? They are comfortable in their individuality. Their uniqueness. They know themselves, and I concede that is a long and ongoing process for most of us, rather than a particular milestone.

And a wee bit of reality check: Do give yourself a break on days when you simply haven’t the energy to deal with fashion, not to mention the occasional fashion faux-pas. Who doesn’t have a really crappy day – or week, or month? Who doesn’t run out in any old thing when you’re in a rush, and careen right into a breathlessly handsome man? Of course, that’s one great reason to take what may be as little as five minutes for the tiniest hint of makeup, or a brightly colored sweater. Even on an off day, I know I feel better when I look better.

How do you find a style that’s right for you?

In addition to looking at celebrities, style icons, and fashion magazines, you should also look at your friends. Who seems to have it together in a way that appeals to you? You can also look to your friends – for their opinions, as long as you don’t take them as written in stone.

Do wander the department stores, and don’t let it overwhelm you. Many have personal shopping services, and they don’t necessarily cost. Ask for the help of a sales person. Tell her you’re trying to redefine your style with a few simple pieces. The first time you do this, if you don’t trust yourself – leave your credit cards at home. You can always have a store put purchases on hold for you, and return the next day, when you’ve had a chance to think about it. And if you do make a purchase you later think was a mistake? Take it back! Don’t put a “some day, maybe” piece of clothing in your closet, or another “when I lose ten pounds” item either. (We’ve all done it, I know.)

What else can be a help in finding your style?

Turn to your interiors as a guide. Frequently, we surround ourselves with furnishings that mirror our taste in clothing – or vice versa. (And if you’re still raising little ones, think of this as your “desired” interiors, rather than the toy-strewn sofas from your grad school days.) The objects and colors you live with – or wish to – are clues to your wardrobe style.

This might translate into classic and clean, geek chic, Bohemian flirty, fitted and sexy, or frilly and floral. And this spring season, there’s something for everyone.

Accept your body type

Did I really just say that – accept ourselves as we are? I did. Does that mean if we’re too skinny or truly too heavy that we shouldn’t try to remedy the situation?

Health comes first. And a healthy diet and exercise will impact how you feel, how you relate to people, the glow of your skin, the luster in your hair – not to mention your brain power and mood!

If you genuinely believe you are overweight, follow a sensible diet plan that is about improving your health, not meeting some rigid standard of dress size or weight or BMI. I can honestly say that my self-image is no longer a function of how much I weigh. But it has everything to do with the fit of my clothes and the energy in my step.

When I say accept your body type, I mean recognizing basics like height, build, as well as your good points. You may be very tall, very short, broad shouldered, long waisted, pear shaped, or top heavy. You also may have gorgeous hands, lovely feet, an elegant neck, or beautiful legs. I’m five feet tall with an ample chest. Given that, I know to elongate, and wear nothing fussy around the neck or shoulders. I may love certain looks, but they simply won’t work on me. I also play up my eyes, my collar bones, my cleavage; I no longer fight my body type; I’ve learned to work with it and appreciate it.

And stay tuned for Lesson Two: the power of perfume, coming next!

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Fashion Flair: The French Way

April in Paris?

Can’t find the green for a trip to the French capitol? I know one sure-fire way to welcome the new season with a smile. A French fashion update!

I was chatting with a friend about that, just last week. She lives the overloaded life of a working mom, and she’s had her fill of sweaters and sludge. She’s worn down by winter, weary of her wardrobe, and wants to perk up her pallor and put a bit of zing into Spring.

“I need help!” she cried, and so here I am, with the French perspective on a fashion and style makeover.

Fashion and Style Sense – Where to begin

Maybe you’d like a total makeover – hair, clothing, cosmetics, and ways to look and feel more relaxed – the works. Who wouldn’t love to jet off to a spa and a stylist, complete with beauty treatments and stylist consultations?

For most of us, that’s not possible. Our daily dance cards are pretty much filled – to overflowing. So for my friend, and so many other harried women, I thought I’d share some easy tips on fashion and style the French way. And easy is key, certainly for my friend, with three rambunctious boys part of the motherly mix. She was happy for any suggestions I could make that were reasonable, so to get the ball rolling, I condensed them into a set of Five Fashion Lessons à la Française.

Fashion Basics and Wardrobe Staples

We started with a discussion of basic styles and wardrobe staples (skirts, tops, sweaters, jackets, pants, and yes – jeans). Of course we included shoes!

We went on to tackle issues of body type and proportion, as well as dressing up and dressing down using many of the same essential pieces.

We chatted about neutrals, and how they allow you to vary your look without spending a fortune. We talked about colors – those that are your favorites, and those that show you in your best light. Of course we dealt with realities: budget, time, job, commute, home life, social life, age of children, and your age. We tossed in a bit of the age old fight – the winter weight gain that most of us endure – those annoying 10 pounds that make us want to steer clear of the mirror, and even the sale racks.

I can’t go into everything we mentioned, but I will say this:  Any woman can feel like a million bucks – or Euros – when you approach fashion the French way.

French Fashionista

As for my credentials?

Mais oui, I love my French Elle Magazine, and of course both American and French Vogue. But it’s more than that. I have lived, studied, worked, dated, and loved in France. And I’ve had the good fortune to spread those séjours across decades – from my teens into my forties, and even… well, we’ll just leave it at that. Yes, I speak French, and I admit that helps, as I’ve had incredible experiences with both French friends and French amoureux, no doubt, part of why I find French men irresistible.

What else?  I’ve always loved fashion, and I learned my best lessons over the years from French women, and their style secrets. In so doing, each time I’ve lived abroad, I’ve managed to fit in, feel  good, and look good doing it.

So what have I learned in all my ventures and adventures, and in my own way – as an American française?

As I said, I have five easy lessons, and I’ll be sharing them in a series – so each gets its appropriate due. To give you a taste of what’s in store, here they are:

• Lesson One:  Find your style
• Lesson Two:  The power of perfume
• Lesson Three:  The scarf, your secret weapon
• Lesson Four:  The signature accessory
• Lesson Five:  The beauty of confidence

Did I whet your womanly whistle?

If this caught your interest, and you’d like to do a little homework in preparation for Lesson One (Find your style), flip through your favorite fashion magazines. Check fashion sites for looks you like. I recommend Spring Ready-to-Wear on Style.com. Plenty to see and ponder there!

Then stay tuned. Consider this the menu for an upcoming five course meal. Each plat, to be enjoyed the French way, by savoring.

Meanwhile, here are a few additional references you may enjoy – but do take everything with a grain of salt. You may not always agree with what each source says is a “must.” And that’s part of finding the balance that is uniquely about you, your lifestyle, and your taste.

• Harpers Bazaar Wardrobe Staples (Ed Note: I agree with some, and disagree with others.)
• Real Simple: Wardrobe Basics Checklist (Ed Note: same as above – but a great start!)

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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