I recently read an article by Molly Monet over at the Huffington Post Divorce section. Molly has been divorced a couple of years and thinks she holds the secret to a “peaceful divorce.” She has managed to build not only a civil relationship with her ex but they have remained friends. So friendly in fact that they have family dinners and take family vacations together.

If only the outcome of divorce could be half that pleasant for all of us! The reality is though, Molly and her situation isn’t the rule, it is the exception. But in Molly’s opinion those of us who ended up in a high conflict divorces did so because we didn’t behave ourselves during the divorce process.

She says, “As friends and readers tell me their horror stories about their exes and how poorly they handled their breakups, I often wonder to myself how did I get so lucky to have a peaceful divorce.”

There is a belief among those who were able to come through a divorce fairly unscathed that those of us who didn’t handled our situations poorly, that if we had worked a bit harder we also could be going out to dinner with our ex and taking “family” vacations.

I take exception to that belief! As someone who bent over backwards and played nice doggy when her ex was withholding money, disrespecting his children and using the legal system to abusehis family it gets my dander up for someone to tell me my ex behaved badly because I handled my divorce poorly.

I respect Molly and what she is striving to do for her family. I think the issue with Molly and people like her is that they are unable to view divorce but from one perspective…their own. They believe that if they made it work for them then everyone should be able to make it work also.

I was a lot like Molly when I first divorced. I had this idea in my head of no longer being married to my ex but building a friendship with him and co-parenting our children in a manner that promoted their best interest.

I had experience with divorce in my family. My paternal grandparents were divorced. They were friendly with each other. We used to go visit my grandmother and my grandfather would stay in her home during our visits. When he became ill with cancer she took him back into her home and cared for him until he passed away. They neither one ever remarried and are now buried next to each other.

My mother was married and divorced before she married my father. I have a half brother as a result. My mother and her first husband weren’t friends but they were civil toward each other and worked together for the sake of my brother. My brother has a collection of photos taken with him and both his parents throughout his life. If there was a gathering and both parents were there they made sure to get a “family” photo of the three of them. There was never a time that I remember seeing my mother and her first husband engage in conflict. And I certainly never heard her disparage him in anyway.

When my ex decided he could no longer stay in our marriage I naturally thought we would end up having a relationship similar to those that I had experienced as a child of divorced relatives. I expected more than my ex was willing to give me, his children or himself.

Every time I extended the hand of friendship it got slapped. The man wanting NOTHING to do with being civil. It took me 3 years of attempting to play nice to realize I was pissing into the wind and only damaging myself by continuing to “work” at building the kind of relationship with him that I had witnessed as a child.

In the comment section of her article Molly said, “A friend of mine posted something beautiful on my FB link to this article. She quoted Emily Dickinson saying “Luck is not chance; it is toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.” Our peace took work and that’s what I want to show people. Others who are willing to make the effort could get similar results.”

Molly has this stubborn need to believe that those of us who have spent years suffering the negative consequences of the bad behavior of another person or just unlucky because we didn’t “toil.” We weren’t willing to put forth the effort so we must have earned what we got.

Those of us who have dealt with abusive exes do without a support system because of beliefs like that. We learn to keep our mouths shut and suffer in silence because opening up and talking about our high conflict divorce doesn’t get us empathy, it gets us judgments from those who haven’t learned that their perspective is not the only perspective.

I’ve been in a very lonely place for over a decade. My family is not supportive. After all they experienced “peaceful” divorces and in their opinion there must be something wrong with ME, if not my ex would be sharing meals and taking vacations with his children and I.

The majority of my friends and family suffer the same lack of insight that Molly does. They have an inability to look outside their own experiences and realize that every story is unique. Our own perspective shapes what seems right and wrong. Seeing something from a different perspective can raise our awareness and enable us to show compassion and empathy for the situations of others.

Molly filters everything by her own personal history, her beliefs, motivations and concepts that she holds true. So do I but the difference between Molly and I is that I’ve seen both sides of the coin so my perspective is broader. I’m able to see things from her perspective and my own because I’ve lived both. And, I’m also aware that just because something worked for me doesn’t mean it will or should work for everyone else.

It can take courage to see the perspective of the other person’s situation, acknowledge it and then look for the best solution for both. I think Molly believes she has a one size fits all solution to the problems that arise due to divorce. That belief is dangerous for Molly and women who buy into Molly’s advice. Molly isn’t offering solutions; she is misleading people by showing only her perspective and dismissing the idea that there isn’t one solution for all situations.

I’d like to talk to Molly again in ten years after her ex has remarried and has a wife who doesn’t buy into him having dinner and taking vacations with his ex-wife. Or, after her ex-husband gets tired of playing house with his ex-wife. When she has some true experience with the outcome of divorce I’d like to talk to her.

I’ll do something for her at that time that she hasn’t done for women like me, I’ll listen, attempt to view her problem from her perspective and show her some empathy. I don’t wish Molly conflict in her life BUT things change and with her inability to understand that her situation isn’t static the time is going to come when Molly will need understanding, empathy and compassion. Good thing for her there will be women open enough to not only offer her support but listen to her without judgment.

Can you imagine a world where your ex has access to the things you do and knowledge of your personal experiences? A world where there is no stopping a sociopathic stalker from inserting themselves into your lives? A world of gross misinterpretation and perceived righteousness?

I can, because it is the world we are living in today.

Everyone is different, but when both my current husband and I separated and then divorced our previous spouses, the last thing we wanted was interaction with them. We had both moved on, and our new lives were just that–”OUR” new lives. Not lives that we wished to share with our past and our exes. So you can imagine the shock I felt when both of our exes had begun googling us, and worse yet, conspiring together to see what we were doing. The first time we realized this was happening was shortly after we had become engaged.

My husband and I were planning a wedding that was not only out of town for us but for the majority of our wedding guests. We had created a website for our guests in order to be able to communicate information to everyone quickly and efficiently. It was the setting for people to find hotels to stay in, directions, and a few random fun things. It was intended to be accessed only by our friends and family and I never considered the fact that you could google my name and find it. Plus who would do that, oh that’s right, nosey people. It would have been unfortunate enough to know that they were googling our names and reading our private information, but they were also sharing it with friends and posting spiteful comments on the pages. Then taking it a step further they made plans (jokingly of course, so they say) to come to our wedding and ruin it. It was frustrating to say the least.

Then my ex made a statement in passing about some comment that he saw online by my sister on our wedding announcement. This was an announcement that was placed in the local newspaper and at that time I had not even viewed it online. For my ex to have seen it (no reason he should have known about it), and to have brought it up to me, personally I think that is a little creepy.

That was the beginning of our online problems with our exes. It went way past the point of curiosity. Terrible things were being said, comments being made to family and friends, links set up and attached to our work, name calling, the list to date is endless. All of this stemming from the fact that they are going online and searching for us. (If you haven’t before, when you get a chance try googling yourself and you’ll be amazed to see what is readily available for anyone and everyone.) When I have searched for myself I have found nothing there I would not share with others. However, personally I would prefer that our exes live their own lives and stop snooping into ours.

However, like I said in my last post, participating in social networking and being involved with things on the Internet is a choice. It is a choice my husband and I have made and one we continue to choose. Therefore, we have to understand that by making this decision we technically have to provide this kind of access. However, not everyone makes that choice.

So what can you do to keep your exes from accessing you online?

1) Private your profiles. Facebook specifically has privacy control settings that allow you to control how much others people can see, though in many cases the default setting is for your profile to be completely public. Make sure all of your settings are set to friends only. Mashable.com provides a complete comprehensive list and instructions on privacy setting for Facebook.

2) Block unwanted people. I think by now most Facebook users know about the block function. By blocking unwanted people–such as exes–you remove their ability to see anything at all (Facebook-related of course) that you have written, posted, etc. This can be an excellent way to prevent most intruders.

3) Delete mutual friends. This is difficult, and it can be a tough decision to delete people you consider to be friends. However, you will continue to allow your ex access by maintaining friendships on social networks with people who are also friends with your ex. Maybe not directly, but they can still ask friends to check up on you and give them information. They can still log on as your mutual friend (assuming the friend gave them access) and see your profile. Sometimes, your friends just accidentally share information. It is a common but unfortunate situation that happens when couples split and acquaintances that knew both of you now have to try to maintain separate but equal relationships with each of you. However, it is reasonable to assume that if you are true friends you don’t need social networks to maintain the relationship, so why even allow for the opportunity to present itself. Recently I shared a little of my Facebook nightmare, which included deleting friends, in my post entitled, ”Facebook and Other Social Networking Nightmares.”

4) Don’t post things online in your real name. This one is almost impossible to avoid for those of us who use the Internet for more than just socializing. However, try your best to use a different name anytime that you post a comment or anything online. Once you post items and you attach your name to them, you can be found with virtually any search engine such as Yahoo or Google.

5) Do not sign up for social networking sites that do not offer privacy options. Twitter is a social networking site built on the idea that you want to share things with the world. Therefore, a site like Twitter does not have the same privacy options as a site like Facebook. You can set up minimal privacy but not enough to keep people away who are desperate see you.

There are no guarantees that a person who is desperate enough will not find some items tied to you online, but these actions will prevent most.

***For the record, I believe my ex has moved on in life and no longer partakes in googling me. At least I hope that’s the case.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her whole life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Why do people divorce?  Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, writes at psychologytoday.com that certain life events can cause people to decide to get a divorce.  She calls these pivotal events because they are life altering and cause people to make other changes in their lives.

Examples of pivotal events are…

A heart attack,

A parent dying,

Job loss and a

Car accident.

“Pivotal events cause people to question whether they are living their best life,” says Gadoua.  “Pivotal events often cause people to question what they really want and whether they are living their life to the fullest. People begin to scrutinize themselves, their job, spouse, home and friends. If any of these areas was lacking something or was in question prior to the event, it is very likely to receive a major overhaul.”

If you have a pivotal event in your life, Gadoua suggests that you:

• Do not make any other major life decisions in the next 90 days.
• Consider the impact of the event on others in your life.
• Seek another opinion from a friend or professional before you act

Author Bio: James J. Gross, managing partner of Thyden Gross and Callahan and Maryland Divorce Lawyers.com, “In the Courts, Answer Desk” guest columnist for DivorceNet, has been in practice in the areas of Family Law, Business Law, and civil litigation for over 25 years.

I don’t’ remember when or how I found The Bunny Cage blog, but upon seeing the provocative photography of this self-styled Cindy Sherman of Wyoming, I started following Sara LeeAnn Banevedes. It was hard to believe someone so hip was living in a small town writing such interesting stories and taking such revealing photos of herself.

She was a sexy and obviously talented mom with a young daughter who lived with a cowboy husband who seemed to be ignoring her. I made “friends” with her on Facebook so I could follow her more closely.

This displaced Californian was a cancer survivor who, in her own words, “moved to Wyoming (with my now ex-husband) in order that my daughter might have a slower-paced life in the wide open spaces, near her paternal grandparents, where her daddy could prosper in business so her mommy could afford to stay home and care for every day.”

From reading her blog, seeing her Facebook posts and looking at her photos it became obvious that something was wrong in her world. Never having talked to her, all I had to go on was the internet evidence but was not surprised when she revealed she was getting a divorce.

Today she dropped a cyber bomb that surprised all her friends. She confessed a secret that as a divorce attorney I am all too familiar with: She admitted that almost a year ago she foolishly signed papers given to her by her husband’s divorce attorney, giving her husband sole custody of her daughter. She admitted, “I only see her four days a month. I see her every other weekend, and that’s all.”

When I read those words my heart dropped to my stomach. This child is the light of her mother’s life. All the stories, photos and Facebook posts about this miraculous child and the obvious bond between mother and child had come to this. Some hired gun had helped the client trick the mother into signing over custody so that it would be very difficult for the mother to come back to court later to ask for custody.

This is the danger of our adversarial system. When one side has money to hire the biggest shark in town and the other side doesn’t, the poor parent is going to get screwed.

I kept reading the story and sure enough, it was exactly what I had thought. Her own words tell the tale:

I’ve been living in a state of surrealist shock — like an acid trip, minus the euphoria, all dancing clowns and skeletons in the closet — since the day my ex-husband told me he ‘changed his mind’ and we won’t be sharing custody of our only child after all.

Months before John and I sat down with a bottle of wine and agreed divorce was the best option. We weren’t in love. In fact, he pretty much hated my free spirited, liberal attitude, my wanderlust, my tastes in music and art, the way I laugh with my head thrown back and cry when I watch the news. And I pretty much hated his conservatism, the way his cowboy boots sounded on my hardwood floor, his obsession with his pick-up truck, the way he wanted a bacon sandwich more than sex, and how he watched CNN from the breakfast table.

We had become ill-suited for each other, had accepted it, and were ready to move on. But, I’d been a cancer-survivor, stay-at-home mom on hiatus from any educational pursuits or work for 5 years, completely isolated out here in the middle nowhere with no family support and one friend. All the sudden I had to get myself a job, a place to live and an identity outside of him.

And I did. FAST. It took me six months to get myself together. He promised as soon as I secured a living environment that was comparable to his — in a safe neighborhood where Beau had her own space — that we would share custody of her week-to-week. He told me to sign the custody agreement his lawyer drew up (because it was just for financial purposes that he was named the sole custodian — that way he would be responsible for the legal fees of the divorce and have to carry health insurance for Beau, etc.)

I did everything he asked. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. And essentially, he told me, “Fake, just kidding. We’re going to go ahead and follow that bogus legal agreement you signed, sucker. You get every other weekend and alternating holidays until she’s 18.”

Let’s be real. I think he and his family were hoping I would pack my shit and go back home to California, or slit my wrists. Which, with no familial support, one friend, no money, lovely genetic makeup, gypsy spirit and history for dramatic exists weren’t all that far fetched. N’cest pas?”

This is just another travesty of justice perpetrated by a shark divorce lawyer who saw the opportunity to get an advantage over the “adversary” instead of trying to help a young couple set up a fair parenting plan that took the child’s best interest into consideration. This little girl has been taken care of by her mom for her entire life.

To disrupt a child’s sense of security by severely limiting contact with her primary physical custodian is monstrous. It is despicable that one parent would induce a parent to sign away custody with the promise that they would get 50/50 custody later and then snake out of the deal because their lawyer had conveniently omitted that part of the agreement in the court order. And this is a common situation.

Until couples protect their co-parenting relationship by avoiding these kinds of adversarial divorce attorneys, more children’s lives will be ruined, more couples will end up broke and angry. It is time everyone got on the Peaceful Divorce bandwagon. By working together and keeping the focus on the child’s best interest, couples can spend their money on their child and not their divorce attorney’s child. It is high time we put these kinds of legal dinosaurs out to pasture and embraced a more humane attitude and procedures for divorcing couples.

Author Bio:

Belinda Etezad Rachman, Esq. has been a family law attorney in Southern California since graduating from the University of San Diego School of Law in 1996. She also holds a Masters in Special Education from New York University, specializing in teaching severely emotionally disturbed children. She taught in New York City and Southern California before becoming a lawyer. After eight years of traditional legal experience Ms. Rachman has done nothing but divorce mediation for the past 6 years with 100% success rate with over 250 couples. For more information to see if divorce mediation is an option in your case go to http://www.divorce-inaday.com

Why is it that some people can move on happy, while others walk around bitter and angry many years postdivorce?

It’s not necessarily the decisions you make, but how you

learn to live with them

There is one thing for certain and that is, there is no looking back. All I and everyone around me wants, is to be “happy”. What does happiness really mean, and how do we realize this goal? What I’ve learned is that life is a journey. It is a rocky road full of bends and bumps and lots of uncertainty. But, if you allow it to be so, it can be exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, enjoyable, adventurous and fulfilling. The challenge is to make the choices that lead us to this place of “happiness” while enjoying the ride life offers.

Waiting for Perfection

If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be waiting forever. Just the other day, someone sent me an email with a picture of four skeletons sitting around a table playing cards……were these unhappy people waiting for something or someone to come into their lives to make them happy? Were they waiting for that perfect time for their happiness to arrive? This picture, made me realize that if you wait, you’ll be waiting forever. Any result that is truly worthwhile needs to be worked at.

Is the ever searching answer for

happiness really possible?

Can people actually be single post divorce and be happy? If they are then how do they achieve this reality? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets? Just follow these few simple steps and poof a new you, easily transformed while you sleep. Ha! Not likely. Maybe you think that the illusive goal of happiness only exists when you find that perfect mate; your knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress. Well, you’re single and that image you had of “happily ever after” needs to be reworked. It is possible; it’s just not the cliché.

Life postdivorce is a journey

into the unknown

Not realizing at the time, I had embarked on an adventure with some mysterious destination yet to be determined. I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities and on the way I have become a very different person. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today, with the person I was while married or even while I was in my 20’s. I’ve changed. I now have straight hair when I had curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. In reality though, the changes have become significantly more than just physical.

This much I can say for sure; I had to do something when I realized that life would pass me by if I just waited for that perfect mate. Not growing, my life could be summed up in a five minute conversation!

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children, an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. How did I gain such a rich life? I certainly did not have this when I separated. It was with a lot of hard work and desire to be happy.

Tips on Becoming a Happy Divorcée

As the “title of this piece suggests” according to happy divorcee, co-author Cathy Greenberg, an expert on the new science of happiness, AND co-author of the “What Happy Know Brands, LLC book series, happiness can be found in all aspects of our lives. Both good and not so good.

While researching my next book on divorce I came across “What Happy Women Know” and was fortunate to speak with co-author and behavioral scientist Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. who shared this wisdom from her own “experience” with divorce that we can all use for achieving happiness postdivorce:

With every ending comes a new beginning but often our culture does not provide the “rituals” we need to close one door as we open another. We know how to celebrate birth, engagements, marriage and even death. Too often however, we are not familiar with how to deal with “less than positive” outcomes like divorce. I always look for the opportunity in everything. A divorce can bring new freedom to examine your life, a new job, or to learn new things. Divorce can help you understand what to do differently in the future and how to build on your strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. The secret is to think positive and stay out of the “negative looping” our brains are famous for. When I went through my own divorce I learned that I could count on myself because I focused on the “positive” about me. My strength was not only important for my wellbeing but for my daughter as well. I knew that the memory of my divorce would be painful, but the resilience I had as I looked at the future was infallible. I always had me, my gifts and my abilities to count on no matter what. I always look back at my divorce as an opportunity to learn more about the best in me.

For more tips on the science of happiness and becoming a happy divorcee check out these books:

What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better by Dan Baker, Cathy Greenberg, and Ina Yalof

What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com

At 66 years old, my mom is a real firecracker. This woman has so much energy, she makes 20 year olds look like slugs.  But much more than that, mom is confident.  She’s generous beyond belief.  She’s sexy.  Has taken great care of herself.  And she spends her days either working 10 hour shifts in the hospital or taking care of somebody, some animal or some thing.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my mom is also divorced.  Ten years ago, after 35 years of marriage, my dad left her for another woman.  And not only am I so proud of how she has pulled herself and life together, I am so very grateful – for she has served as an important role model to me during my divorce, in ways that differ from my divorced girlfriends.

My divorced girlfriends have helped me immensely with the nitty gritty of the day-in, day-out baby steps of adjusting to divorce.  We’ve cried, belly-laughed, and shared everything and anything which each other over countless cups of tea (and wine:).  But in witnessing my mom’s divorce, which happened from afar as we live in two different cities, I was given hope.  Her personal tranformations in the aftermath were truly remarkable.  And some part of me thought, ” Hey, if she can go through this in her late fifties and turn it into a positive life experience instead of drowning in it, then why should I do any differently?”

That’s not to say I didn’t see my mom’s pain.  It was excruciating at the beginning.  I remember going grocery shopping with her one day and how she pushed the cart around with this glazed look on her face – it was a look I didn’t understand.  And when she later collapsed on the floor in tears while bringing the grocery bags in, I wept and held her, though I STILL didn’t understand the enormity of her pain….though I did a few years later when it happened to me.

I remember my mom expressing some of her fears to me back then – how she assumed friends would reject her cause she’d be the ‘third wheel.’  How she felt old.  Alone.  The mere  thought of moving out of our large family home was too much for her.  As for dating or a potential relationship with someone new – they weren’t even on her radar.

But with time – oh yes, this blessed healing thing called Time -  she slowly started putting the pieces of her Self and her life together again.  Anew.  It was like watching a grown woman give birth to herself.  She became much more open-minded about so many topics and life issues.  She joined cooking clubs and went out with all the ‘young people’ at work for dinners and drinks.  She started dating – and yes, she even then took a new lover.   And next thing you know, she was talking excitedly about the new home she was having built just for her….

My mom is so abundantly full of life and happiness now.  Her social calendar, between family and friends, is constantly full (so much for being the ‘third wheel’!).  And she is so grateful for what she DOES have - ie: health, money, friends, children and grandbabies – even though that long list doesn’t include a husband at this point in time. 

So I – her daughter – have sat back and watched this Woman – my mom - rise above her former life and become the libertine she is now.  And I think Wow.  Isn’t she something?  And though I wouldn’t wish divorce on any woman in the world, I see how good GREAT things can happen to women after divorce.  The personal growth that can ensue, the new sense of purpose and freedom, the new sense of Self – they really are all ours for the creating. 

But of course we all need the help of a wonderful friend or two along the way.  And as I look back on my journey, I can’t help but feel so grateful – not just for all the support of my amazing girlfriends, but for that which came from my ultimate role model: my mom.  

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Are no-fault divorce laws in the best financial interest of women? Not according to the study below.

In the late 1980s, several states set up task forces to study gender bias in the courts. For example, in Colorado, one section of the task force was charged with the area of divorce. It studied cases taken directly from the court files. The parameters were that

1. The marriage have lasted 12 years or longer,
2. The case be decided by a judge as opposed to being settled out of court, and
3. There was a minimum of $10,000 in positive net worth.

There were 28 cases in the year previous to the study that matched the above parameters. Out of 28 cases, the average length of marriage was 20.5 years. At the time of divorce, the average age of the wife was 44, the husband, 45. Eleven of the 28 families had net assets of less than $50,000 at the time of divorce and ten had net assets of $100,000 or more.

At the time of the court order, the wife’s average net worth was slightly greater than the husband’s, because she was usually given less of the marital debt. Within four years of the divorce, however, the wife’s projected net worth declined by 25 percent while the husband’s nearly doubled. Within eight years of the divorce, the wife will have a negative net worth while the husband’s projected net worth is approximately $200,000.

In gathering data, besides looking at the court files, the Colorado task force interviewed many divorced men and women. One woman told her story about the alimony award after 38 years of marriage during which she was not employed. The judge ordered her husband to pay her $300 per month for two years. He awarded the house, appraised at $160,000, to the wife, and all the other assets, including a retirement fund, to the husband, saying, “Mother has been out of the work force, and if we gave her all that money she wouldn’t know how to handle it.”

Another woman told the Colorado task force that she had been awarded a tractor as part of the property settlement but her ex-husband refused to deliver it. She had tried for four years to get the original order enforced, without success. One district judge gave her former husband permission to continue using the tractor. When her lawyer objected, the judge asked her what she was going to do with the tractor.

The Washington State Task Force on Gender and Justice in the Courts found that only 10% of all wives being divorced were awarded alimony and the average amount was $432 per month for an average length of 2.6 years. The national average as of spring 1986 had 15 percent of wives receiving an average of $329 per month.

On Sunday Governor Patterson signed into law, no-fault divorce laws in New York State. In a statement after signing the new bill Paterson said that fault divorce laws, “harmed the interests of those persons — too often women — who did not have sufficient financial wherewithal to protect their legal rights.”

I know that over twenty years have passed since the above study but not much has changed as far as the long-term financial impact of divorce on women. One of the few states where a woman did have a fighting chance in divorce court was New York State. Thanks to new no-fault divorce laws, those women can now join the others of us who have been victimized by no-fault divorce laws.

When will legislators learn that it isn’t the law that is the problem, it is the system one has to deal with after filing for divorce. Too bad laws can’t be passed to monitor how civil and respectful we are to each other throughout the divorce process.

We’ve certainly had our fill of celebrity scandals in the past year – more than enough to fill the tabloids as we cluck our tongues and shake our heads.

We’ve been dumbstruck at the sheer number of Tiger’s infidelities. We’ve been impressed by Sandra Bullock’s class act. We’re appalled at Mel Gibson’s ravings, and saddened by the separation of former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper.

Yesterday I caught a news item about the divorce of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn. The couple’s 14-year marriage ended officially this month. They have two children, 19 and 16, and have been together in a reportedly on-again off-again relationship that spanned two decades.

There were no accusations of infidelity, abuse, or anything particularly sensational (for a change). In fact, the articles I read suggest that while the couple had some publicized ups and downs – including filing for divorce previously – eventually, they just decided to call it quits.

Is this the way that marriage ends for most of us? Does it simply wear out?

I think back to my grandparents, and how devoted they seemed to be. Of course, I was a child and a teen when I was observing their interactions. I imagine there were indiscretions, and that’s what they were called back then. No one picked up a phone and dialed an attorney. At least, not in my family. In fact, my maternal grandparents were married for fifty years, and my paternal grandparents, for more than sixty.

I couldn’t say for certain whether or not my grandparents were happy, but I know they were happy some of the time. As for the rest, they were committed. They honored their vows “for better or worse,” and they honored the importance of the family unit.

Sure – it’s a different world. Life is more complex and more chaotic. There will always be extremes like Tiger and Mel, and situations of abuse or discoveries that make continuing in the marriage impossible. But for most couples, are there other forces at work?

• Does romantic love always have a shelf life?
• Are we convinced that marriage is the path to happiness?
• Do marriage and children kill off passion?
• Are our expectations so “off,” that divorce is inevitable?

More Articles:

To Divorce, Or Not to Divorce?

Ask the Divorce Coach: Is it Time to Leave?

I’d do Anything to Bring Him Back!

Imagine: you’re on Facebook and you see that one of your friends has changed their relationship status from ‘married’ to ‘single.’ It’s always complicated to let people know about your divorce, and Facebook gives you a way (for better or worse) to let everyone know. Isn’t that easy?

Think about how easy it is to put information on Facebook, transmit it, and show it off to everyone you know (or everyone with eyes and a computer, depending on your privacy settings.) Social networking sites, like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and even World of Warcraft are becoming the new way through which divorces often start and gather momentum.

Photos, updates, and posts provide very concrete evidence of what you are doing, and the fact that you’re showing it off to the world may cause some pain to your spouse if you are the leave-er and he or she is the leave-ee. Privacy is important in protecting the other person’s dignity – and there can be hell to pay when you hurt someone more than you have to.

Technology is redefining our lives and so it is with online social networking. Self disclosure in cyberspace is now being used as evidence in some divorce cases as proof that one spouse is at fault, lying, or less fit to be taking care of the kids.

According to an article in USA today, research by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers conveys that, over the last five years, 81% of divorce lawyers have either utilized or encountered evidence from social networking sites. Facebook is the most cited, appearing in 66% of cases using subpoenaed Internet evidence.

Now, the problem here is not the sites themselves. Marriages break up for the most ancient of reasons, power struggles, lack of kindness, loss of love, hurt, money problems, infidelity and the like. The Internet doesn’t cause marital problems (people do) but it can make matters worse.

Infidelity is without doubt, easier because of the sheer access to so many potential lovers. Gambling takes on new forms (like a poker addiction) found in one’s living room computer. But anonymity is not what one likes to think, because the Internet also makes it easier for the offending spouse to get caught.

The double life you try to lead on the Internet might just come back to haunt you. Lawyers know how to find information you’ve posted on social networking sites that you thought had been kept hidden. Sage advice: Like driving a car, it is a good idea to know about the power of technology before using it and finding yourself in trouble.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.  Order your copy today!

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Submitted by Delaine

As I read through his lengthy profile on the dating site, I found myself laughing out loud.  It was written with such good humor that I assumed THIS line was too: 

“What I don’t like:

1) Women who date younger men in the hopes of hiding from the fact they are OLD.
2) Women who judge me cause I date younger women, cause well… let’s face it, I’m cool. LOL

But when I jokingly teased him about these statements, I found out he meant them seriously.   He wrote:

“We all know that women are a lot more mature than men so it’s no big deal for us to date younger.  But when you flip it, the only thing that’s going on is pathetic older women f***ing boys.  That’s sick!”

Now whoa!  That wasn’t just harsh, it was hostile.  And I wondered:  Do a lot of men (perhaps over age 35?) share his sentiments?  Where does this hostility coming from? And  most importantly, can men’s feelings be changed or at least softened?  Cause  I don’t think this social phenomena is going to disappear any time soon…

If men brand every woman out there who dates/has dated a younger man ‘pathetic’,  almost every one of my divorced girlfriends (myself included) would be branded.  But I know none of us have regrets for our actions.  We were reacclimatizing to the dating trenches, we were determined to get ‘back out there’ and move our lives forward, hormones were racing, opportunities knocked, and hello! Sometimes we answered!  ALL the dating/sex we experienced, whether our partners were younger OR older, was serving a purpose:  exploring the new Women under construction.  Moreover, the bottom line is that SEX FEELS GOOD -  do we really need to justify who we have it with?

To me,  it makes sense that the ‘older women/ younger man phenomena’  has increased in popularity.  I mean, socially, we have more divorced or single women out there dating again than ever before.  And as fully grown women who are more than capable of making good decisions for themselves, why shouldn’t they take more than peek around at what’s available? 

At the same time, I understand men’s ‘resistance’ to it:  the roles and identities of women in our society continue to change, and this means it calls men’s roles/identities into question, too; they’re confused as hell!   I’ll even take it astep further:  I bet  being looked over and replaced by younger men hurts older men - at the ego and heart level, that is.   Suddenly they find themselves questioning their less-than-taunt waistlines; maybe the wrinkles they see in the mirror don’t look so ruggedly handsome anymore either.  It’s hard to be judged so superficially, isn’t it?  How can you not take it personally?

Of course, these are feelings that women have been experiencing for eons…but this isn’t about balancing out wrongs committed.   But what I DO see as a wrong is men then resorting to name-calling and sweeping stereotypes about women should they date a younger man. 

So while we continue on within this chaos of social change and upheaval, where gender roles, relationships, and values are metamorphosing, I ask that these men ask themselves this:  Do you REALLY think women dating/having sex with younger men is ‘pathetic’?  Could it be that it’s touching on your own insecurities instead?  Or at the core, is this more about you having a problem with women having the liberty to have non-sex love?

Cause a woman’s ’sexual purity’ should NOT be used as the measuring stick of her overall character and value as a human being.  And until such time as our society recognizes THAT fact, I don’t think the sexes will ever be at peace with one another.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Haunted By Ex Sex