My divorce caught me off guard. I had no time to plan my emotional response and being the planner I am I found that a bit disconcerting. Actually I was highly pissed. Want to set my world a twirl? Pull the rug out from under it!

I had studied Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in college. I knew of the Five Stages of Grief…no surprise that it took a woman to figure out that there were stages. The problem was, I had studied them, knew them but had not planned on applying them to real life…not at that time anyway.

There is Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What I didn’t learn in college is, one doesn’t move smoothly from one stage to the other. There was no beginning, middle or end for each stage and most stages I visited several times.

So, while attempting to manage your emotional recovery, give yourself a break. You will move through recovery at your own pace, angry one week, in denial the next. You will come to the point of acceptance though, hopefully sooner than later.

The Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

This was my favorite. Nothing like moving through a storm and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyches way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

Denial is a useful coping mechanism, as long as it doesn’t keep you from progressing onto the next stage. Use this stage to your benefit but don’t abuse it. After a while refusing to face reality becomes a very unattractive trait.

Anger:

This stage I visited often. Seriously, when your world is falling down around you who better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex husband? If the car battery died, guess who I blamed? If it rained on a day I had planned to go the beach, it was his fault. I had no role in any adversity that came my way!

During the anger phase he became the worst lover I had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp…my anger did a number on him and his character.

My advice about the Anger Stage? Have at it! As long as there are no little ears to hear your disparaging and insulting remarks about your ex feel free to let out all the pent up anger you stuffed during the Denial Stage.

Bargaining:

In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “oh dear, I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with him, turn myself inside if need be but I can’t go through this.”

It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life but it was a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now.

During this stage my ex was the best lover I had ever had. I missed his beautiful face and his manly demeanor. He was God’s gift and I wanted him back. Thankful for me I moved quite swiftly through the Bargaining Stage.

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce. If you are the leaver, it is during this stage that you will either realize you’ve made the right decision or a mistake.

If you are the leavee this is the stage where you will begin to pursue your husband. You want him back at all costs to you and your self-esteem. The thing to remember is; he will also go through the Bargaining Stage. If he has made a mistake he will realize it and undo that which he has set in motion.

So save yourself esteem, don’t pursue because if he wants to come home he will do it on his own steam.

Depression:

You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of thi stage. Sadness, debilitating sadness becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we all expect. We know that depression is going to hit, what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief.

You may not bathe for three days during the Denial Stage. Hair care takes a back seat during the Anger Stage, so much so that you begin to look like Hagalina Magalina.

You’re a smart cookie though and have surrounded yourself with a good support system. You’ve gotten into therapy and counseling because the support of girlfriends goes a long way but there is no substitute for expert advice during the depression that accompanies divorce.

Cry it out and talk, talk, talk to someone who is trained to help you eliminate those toxic emotions.

Acceptance:

You’ll love this stage. When it hits you’ll throw your head back and laugh. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through adversity and learned from it. Full steam ahead!

Be warned though, acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage.

You’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation though. You may always have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage BUT it is regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in the grief…if lucky you are no longer grieving. If there are still feelings of grief they are at least no longer holding you back from living life.

More Articles:

Divorce Recovery: Beware Expectations

How to Handle Your Emotions During Divorce

When an Ex Won’t Let Go

Imagine: you’re on Facebook and you see that one of your friends has changed their relationship status from ‘married’ to ‘single.’ It’s always complicated to let people know about your divorce, and Facebook gives you a way (for better or worse) to let everyone know. Isn’t that easy?

Think about how easy it is to put information on Facebook, transmit it, and show it off to everyone you know (or everyone with eyes and a computer, depending on your privacy settings.) Social networking sites, like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and even World of Warcraft are becoming the new way through which divorces often start and gather momentum.

Photos, updates, and posts provide very concrete evidence of what you are doing, and the fact that you’re showing it off to the world may cause some pain to your spouse if you are the leave-er and he or she is the leave-ee. Privacy is important in protecting the other person’s dignity – and there can be hell to pay when you hurt someone more than you have to.

Technology is redefining our lives and so it is with online social networking. Self disclosure in cyberspace is now being used as evidence in some divorce cases as proof that one spouse is at fault, lying, or less fit to be taking care of the kids.

According to an article in USA today, research by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers conveys that, over the last five years, 81% of divorce lawyers have either utilized or encountered evidence from social networking sites. Facebook is the most cited, appearing in 66% of cases using subpoenaed Internet evidence.

Now, the problem here is not the sites themselves. Marriages break up for the most ancient of reasons, power struggles, lack of kindness, loss of love, hurt, money problems, infidelity and the like. The Internet doesn’t cause marital problems (people do) but it can make matters worse.

Infidelity is without doubt, easier because of the sheer access to so many potential lovers. Gambling takes on new forms (like a poker addiction) found in one’s living room computer. But anonymity is not what one likes to think, because the Internet also makes it easier for the offending spouse to get caught.

The double life you try to lead on the Internet might just come back to haunt you. Lawyers know how to find information you’ve posted on social networking sites that you thought had been kept hidden. Sage advice: Like driving a car, it is a good idea to know about the power of technology before using it and finding yourself in trouble.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.  Order your copy today!

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More Articles:

Why Some Men Cheat

Self-Loathing and the Cheater

Do You Have “Tiger Text?”

Submitted by Delaine

As I read through his lengthy profile on the dating site, I found myself laughing out loud.  It was written with such good humor that I assumed THIS line was too: 

“What I don’t like:

1) Women who date younger men in the hopes of hiding from the fact they are OLD.
2) Women who judge me cause I date younger women, cause well… let’s face it, I’m cool. LOL

But when I jokingly teased him about these statements, I found out he meant them seriously.   He wrote:

“We all know that women are a lot more mature than men so it’s no big deal for us to date younger.  But when you flip it, the only thing that’s going on is pathetic older women f***ing boys.  That’s sick!”

Now whoa!  That wasn’t just harsh, it was hostile.  And I wondered:  Do a lot of men (perhaps over age 35?) share his sentiments?  Where does this hostility coming from? And  most importantly, can men’s feelings be changed or at least softened?  Cause  I don’t think this social phenomena is going to disappear any time soon…

If men brand every woman out there who dates/has dated a younger man ‘pathetic’,  almost every one of my divorced girlfriends (myself included) would be branded.  But I know none of us have regrets for our actions.  We were reacclimatizing to the dating trenches, we were determined to get ‘back out there’ and move our lives forward, hormones were racing, opportunities knocked, and hello! Sometimes we answered!  ALL the dating/sex we experienced, whether our partners were younger OR older, was serving a purpose:  exploring the new Women under construction.  Moreover, the bottom line is that SEX FEELS GOOD -  do we really need to justify who we have it with?

To me,  it makes sense that the ‘older women/ younger man phenomena’  has increased in popularity.  I mean, socially, we have more divorced or single women out there dating again than ever before.  And as fully grown women who are more than capable of making good decisions for themselves, why shouldn’t they take more than peek around at what’s available? 

At the same time, I understand men’s ‘resistance’ to it:  the roles and identities of women in our society continue to change, and this means it calls men’s roles/identities into question, too; they’re confused as hell!   I’ll even take it astep further:  I bet  being looked over and replaced by younger men hurts older men - at the ego and heart level, that is.   Suddenly they find themselves questioning their less-than-taunt waistlines; maybe the wrinkles they see in the mirror don’t look so ruggedly handsome anymore either.  It’s hard to be judged so superficially, isn’t it?  How can you not take it personally?

Of course, these are feelings that women have been experiencing for eons…but this isn’t about balancing out wrongs committed.   But what I DO see as a wrong is men then resorting to name-calling and sweeping stereotypes about women should they date a younger man. 

So while we continue on within this chaos of social change and upheaval, where gender roles, relationships, and values are metamorphosing, I ask that these men ask themselves this:  Do you REALLY think women dating/having sex with younger men is ‘pathetic’?  Could it be that it’s touching on your own insecurities instead?  Or at the core, is this more about you having a problem with women having the liberty to have non-sex love?

Cause a woman’s ’sexual purity’ should NOT be used as the measuring stick of her overall character and value as a human being.  And until such time as our society recognizes THAT fact, I don’t think the sexes will ever be at peace with one another.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Under The Scrunity of Married Women

Beware The Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

Haunted By Ex Sex

Submitted by Delaine

So I broke up with someone last week – a single dad of two.   He’s the first man I’ve gone out with since divorcing that I contemplated getting serious with whatsoever.  But even though we got along brilliantly, even though he said he was crazy about me, one main thing deterred his interest: the fact that I have three kids. And I admit, it slapped me in the face and kind of hurt.  Not because my feelings were that deep for him – but because this scenario has always been one of my greatest fears…how about you?

When he first expressed his feelings to me (via email),  I admit I was mad and wanted to scream, “You’re a F***’ing coward!”  I mean, jeez, he’s a parent too, and he’d rambled on about how he’s learned to take risks and grab life by the horns since divorcing.  Guess I found myself another ‘talker’, not ‘walker’….

But I didn’t lash out.  Instead, I deleted his phone numbers and email address as gestures of “screw you.”   And those rituals made me feel somewhat better - gone, done, whatever; the past few years have well-trained me for sudden endings…

Over the next few days, my anger turned to forlornness as my mind drifted to my closest girlfriends, both whom are divorced moms and are now in serious relationships.  For there are BIG differences between their situations and mine: first, they only have two kids, not three (doesn’t each child you have up the ‘intimidation factor’?). Two, their ex-husbands take their children often and on a regular schedule.  Mine doesn’t.  Bottom line is I’m a TRULY-full-time mom.  Any man who falls for me also has to be prepared to be strong step-father figure.  How many men out there want THAT? I mean, when you cross out all the divorced dads my age who are carrying emotional cargo on their backs AND you cross out all the non-dad bachelors who are set in their me-focused worlds, who am I left with?

But a few more days to think on it, has me shaking me off my blues and holding my head high.  In fact, I almost find my brain’s need to figure out the ‘grim odds’ of my meeting such a man laughable.  Why?  Many reasons.  And darn right, I’m going to share them:

Number one, I LOVE being a mom and would never change that for a second!  I love the fact my house is constantly full of kids and my weekends are slotted with family activities.  Moreover, I KNOW my kids are so loving and open to having a strong male figure in their lives that whoever takes on that role one day is going to be thanking his lucky stars! My children and our lifestyle will be a blessing/bonus to him, not a hindrance.

Secondly, just because I’ve been programmed to believe I’m ‘missing something’ just because I’m a mom with no man in her life, doesn’t make it true.  My life is full and joyful in MANY respects, even if I don’t have everything figured out.  If there’s anything the chaos of infidelity and divorce has taught me these past years it’s that I’m way stronger than I ever thought, and life is to be lived right NOW.  Sometimes, in my mind’s eye, I see myself at eighty years old, scolding the Delaine of today: “Stop thinking so damn much!” she says. “Just get out there and enjoy yourself!” I’m young, healthy, attractive, smart, and hey – I can still enjoy the many pleasures of dating different men.  I’d be a fool NOT to take advantage of the male opportunities I’m presented with.

Thirdly, even if THIS guy wasn’t THE guy for me,  I am so very pleased and proud of myself for allowing myself to take a risk and actually feel for a man again; it’s been a long time coming!  And how lucky am I that I discovered his take on things before I got too invested.  No – he wasn’t meant to be my new life-partner, he was meant to be a stepping stone, a well-lit beacon reminding me of how far I’ve already come.  Moreover, in the big scheme of things, I’ve a strong sense that my relationship with this man was ultimately designed to test my  Big Looming Fear – the one that said, “You’re unlovable and unworthy because you’re a single mom.”

It’s funny eh?  How our brains race ahead trying to figure out our futures for us?  And how they trick us into believing it’s all bad?  But I call bullshit on mine here.  Instead I pull from my pool of ‘truths’ which are solidified every time something goes astray in my life : I need to focus on WHAT I want, and let the universe figure out the HOW.  In my heart, I TRULY believe that there is a wonderful match out there for everyone.  And some incredible man is going to look at me and my three kids and say, “WOW.  This is EXACTLY what I want.”  He will adore me in ways I’ve yet to experience, and love my children like his own because he is truly THAT great a man.

And even though that kind of man/person is a rare breed, one that is the exception, not the rule in today’s day in age, I WANT exceptional.  And I know he’s out there looking for me/ us.

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

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Guilty or Not Guilty? False Representation In The Bedroom

The Man of My Dream Will Lie in Bed With Me & Read A Good Book

My life over the last few months has been about work…making Divorced Women Online the best I knew it could be. Then there is the elderly parent and the teenage son. They don’t take a lot of time but they do deplete emotional energy which leaves less motivation to get up and get busy with a regular exercise routine.

I’ve also had some health issues that caused fatigue and pain. Instead of working through the pain I’ve chosen to allow the pain to take control. Not my normal nature but hey, life throws us curve balls at times and we deal as best we can.

I noticed over the weekend that I’m doing some emotional eating. A twinge of anxiety found me standing in front of an open refrigerator. A hint if the doldrums and the pantry door flew open. I was filling all the empty places with food…food that was quick and easy. Food that leaves it mark on my hips, thighs and waistline and psyche.

I should seriously consider buying sweatpants that read “Oreos” across the seat. Either that or get up and get moving which I think is the better option.

So, this is going to be the first of many ( I hope) posts that will follow my leap from my office chair to the treadmill. If not the treadmill the pavement.

The problem for those of us who are hoping to get back into a fitness routine after a fitness break is going from contemplation to action. I’m in a contemplating frame of mind and I’m finding my greatest hurdle to be getting up and getting going.

I want to go back to this time last year. I weighed 20 pounds less and put taking care of myself physically and emotionally on the top of my list of things to do. Today my fitness life is defined by inertia. If you are feeling that same inertia below are a few tips to help you get up and get moving.

How to go from inactive to active:

Contemplation: All good things start with a thought. If you are like me they way back is to first contemplate but not for too long. And no negative contemplation. The only way to get up off the couch and get going is to talk yourself into a regular exercise routine, not talk yourself out of one.

Preparation: Being prepared, for me at least means deciding on what activity I will enjoy and will fit into my schedule. I know from experience that working out in the evenings better suits me and my lifestyle. So, it will be power walks around the neighborhood and 30 minutes on the treadmill. I also know that if I don’t do it nightly it won’t become a regular part of my routine.

The key is to not push yourself into doing something your aren’t going to enjoy. Find that perfect activity that is going to give you the benefits you are looking for and keep you motivated to make it a regular routine.

Take Action: This is the hard part…get up and get going! No moving back into the contemplate stage. The time for thinking about it is past. The reality is, it should only take a few months at most to get back to a good level of fitness. Think of it this way, time is going to pass whether you get active or not. How you feel in a few short months depends on how active you become today.

Slow and steady wins the race, so if you’re coming back to exercise after a break, don’t push yourself to get right back up to your old fitness level too soon. Little and often is a good way to start; getting out for moderate exercise twenty minutes every day is better than mammoth sessions with many days in between, and daily exercise can help with the psychological aspects of forming a good workout habit. If you’ve been putting off starting, there’s no time like the present! The sooner you get moving, the easier it will be.

• Have you been on a fitness break?
• What were the circumstances that lead to your break?
• What is your action plan?

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Mirror, Mirror on The Wall, Where Did These Droopy Biceps Come From?

The Olympics: A Call Beyond Our Boxed-In, Stressed-Out Lives

Submitted by Delaine

In the year 2000, my mom and Dad got divorced. He left my then 57-year-old mom for another woman. But this wasn’t the first time he’d cheated – his philanderings had begun back in the 70s.

“Why didn’t leave him way back then?” I recently asked my mom. “Don’t you wish you had?”

“Delaine, it was a different time,” she replied with a smile. “I know it’s hard for you to imagine, but women didn’t have the same rights back then and divorce was a scary option.”

She then explained that not only was there no spousal support laws in Canada, the social stigmas attached to being a ‘divorcee’ were hideous. In social circles where she moved, everything was done in couples, and divorcees were looked down on and seen as untrustworthy, immoral tramps.

When my dad’s first affair was exposed back then, my mom had sought professional counselling. “I was told I needed to be a better wife,” my mom said, shaking her head. “Our sessions were about what I was doing wrong, how I wasn’t meeting the needs of your Dad, and how I could improve.”

She continued: “I was brought to believe that my role at home as a mother and wife was the most important thing on Earth. And I vowed to keep my family together whatever the personal cost to myself.”

I sat there with my mouth agape, appalled, horrified, angry. How dare my mother, or any woman, be blamed for her husband’s cheating! And God, what a burden for my then twenty-something mother to have carried all alone as she went about caring for and managing a household of four children. Yet she had hidden it from us kids so well.

I hadn’t realized how restrictive our divorce laws were for women in Canada such a short time ago. Out of curiosity I researched our country’s history of spousal support and discovered that it wasn’t until the mid eighties that it became part of our laws. Prior to its implementation, the law only required a 50/50 division in property and assets/liabilities; but that meant many women were left scrambling to start a career from scratch, having committed most of their work lives to being a homemaker. No surprise then that studies showed that in the first year after divorce, women suffered a 42% decrease in their standard of living, whereas men experienced an increase of 73%. Changes needed to be made.

To further paint the picture of what life was like back then for her, my mom reminded me that it wasn’t until the mid seventies that women were allowed to have credit cards in their own names. They also couldn’t get a bank loan without a male co-signer. Moreover, it wasn’t until 1973 the first battered shelters for women opened in North America, giving abused married women a safe refuge.

I now have a huge sense of gratitude for all the women before me who fought so bravely against the laws and social backlash that divorce presented them with back then. I honestly don’t know if I’d have had their courage.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Do You Know What You Want?

The Financial Impact of Divorce: There’s More to it Than Splitting Marital Assets

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

Traveling alone for the first time?

As if divorce didn’t carry enough changes to get used to, there’s the sticky issue of finding yourself a single woman faced with the prospect of travel. On your own.

Maybe you traveled alone before you were married, but it’s been years. Maybe you still travel alone on business, and you’re used to that. You have clients to see, meetings to attend, colleagues to have a drink with.

But vacation? Or a road trip with your children? Is this just one more mountainous obstacle to adjust to – with trepidation and uncertainty?

Overseas travel adventures

I’m fortunate in that I have traveled to Europe, Eastern Europe, the Caribbean, and all over the US since I was quite young. And on my own. Some of that travel was entirely related to my interest in foreign languages, and living experiences abroad (in France), and subsequently, study and work assignments that took me not only to Paris, but to the UK, Holland, Belgium, and Switzerland.

As for the islands and many more trips to both the City of Lights and the South of France? Those were for pleasure and vacation, and before I ever married. Most of the time I made those excursions on my own. When I could, I made plans with a girlfriend. What 20-something or 30-something doesn’t prefer her BFF for wild adventures on a pink beach in Bermuda, or umbrella-decorated cocktails beside a tropical beach?

Whether with a friend or alone, I wasn’t about to not see the world because I wasn’t part of a couple. Nor was I willing to go without a much needed break in a harried and stressful professional life, even if a friend couldn’t schedule time off to join in the fun.

Vacationing in the islands alone

I took many vacations on my own. I am, admittedly, outgoing. And I was  (when I was younger) utterly fearless about hopping on a plane for the next island or country to explore – preferably French speaking!

I knew to consider basic safety rules – always:

• Don’t go off with strangers
• Use a reputable hotel (with concierge, preferably)
• Leave valuables at home
• No off-the-beaten-path wandering by myself
• Listen to my gut – always.

I have memorable scenes of Florida, Guadeloupe, Jamaica, and many other delicious destination spots where I relaxed, read, walked, ate well, swam, met wonderful people (couples and singles), and generally had a grand time. If I had been unwilling to explore the world on my own – I would never have seen it!

Women traveling alone

My ex and I didn’t do much vacationing. There were trips to Europe to see his family (with the kids in tow), and not much more than that. While I still traveled on my own for business, those trips, once I had children, became very few and far between.

As for vacations since my divorce?

Budget has been a considerable constraint, and of course – so has parenting. I’ve had my children with me about 95% of the time for the past 9 years. Family vacations (with me) have been impossible. Solo vacations as well.

Still, there has been the occasional long weekend to a far-off American city for museum-hopping and a little socializing. And fortunately, there have been opportunities when my boys weren’t home and I’ve had a chance to travel to Paris and the South of France, either to write, or for a few days break.

Hop overseas just for a few days? Yes, I’ve done it, just as I did in my 20s.

Tips for women traveling alone

I admit I’m a relatively seasoned traveler. I also admit I find traveling more challenging as I get older. I have to turn to my overseas packing tips – and it takes me longer to manage than it used to! There are also aches and pains I didn’t have in my 20s and 30s, so long flights are more uncomfortable.

And fear? Fear of the unknown? Knowing that you have to be responsible for yourself, and every other detail? Isn’t that part of adulthood? Isn’t that a fair price for adventure, for relaxation, for seeing a new city and possibly making new friends?

Again, I keep basic safety rules in mind.

• I plan ahead with reliable airlines and hotels.
• When I’ve been happy with a hotel, I return.
• When I’ve rented a flat overseas, I triple check the references.
• I always stay in safe neighborhoods.
• Again – valuables stay at home!
• I stay cautiously open to any encounters with new people.
• I anticipate inconveniences (and bring extra undies, prescriptions, and so on).

Special travel scenarios for women

In the coming months, I need to make at least one road trip with my teenage son. He is not a fully licensed driver as yet. Nor is he vehicle savvy – and I’m certainly not. That sort of travel scenario holds far more concern for me than other sorts of travel.

It is exactly the kind of thing I would prefer to do with a man along. But that isn’t an option at this time.

Fearful? Yes. But I have a good roadside assistance plan. I’ll be sure to travel in a vehicle that is tuned-up and checked out. And I won’t be driving at night or off the beaten path.

Travel tours to luxury destinations

Who  hasn’t read or seen Under the Tuscan Sun? It’s a delightful story, and the heroine, newly divorced, takes a group excursion to Italy. There, she spontaneously abandons the tour, purchases a run-down villa, and builds herself a new life.

It’s a charming tale, and the bravery of this character (based on a true story) has always stayed with me. But my point here is the concept of traveling with a group. If you wish to take a vacation – to an exotic or luxury destination, on safari, or skiing in the Alps – then do consider a reputable tour that makes sense for your age and the demographics of the group.

There are plenty of options, built-in company, structure that may allay some of your fears, and you could have a fabulous time.

Live your best life – your way

The bottom line is that some marriages end. And we don’t all take up with a fairy tale “next great guy” in the year or two that follow.

Does that mean we shouldn’t see the world? Take a vacation to Martinique, to Peru to climb Machu Pichu? To the Riviera, because we’ve always wanted to see it? Or put together family vacations for our children and ourselves – to the Grand Canyon? To the Golden Gate? To scuba in the South Pacific if you have the budget?

In my book, we have one life. We’d best go for it. So I travel – when I can. And I do so with the excitement that many wonderful adventures await. Including new friends, new sights, new sounds, new tastes.

I put a smile on my face and I do talk to strangers. Judiciously. And I’ve never regretted traveling alone. Not before my divorce. And not since.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Pulling together your elements of style

Ready to strut your stuff à la Française?  As we continue pulling the elements of style together, it’s time to get wild. And that means accessories. It’s amazing how much you can turn up the volume – or down – when you change the jewelry, scarves, shoes, purses, watches and anything else you’d like to use to spice up your individual look.

Not sure where to begin? It’s easy! So let’s get going on Lesson Four – accessories, and specifically, the signature accessory.

• Find your style
• The right perfume
• The French scarf
• The signature accessory
• Confidence

Accessories: A sign of individuality

Do you have a favorite brooch from your Great Aunt Hilda? A drawer full of your grandmother’s costume jewelry from sixties? Some crazy bangles you used to wear in college by the armload?

Accessories are, of course, more than jewelry. They include hats, scarves, purses, shoes, belts, gloves, and whatever adornments you may use to spruce up even the simplest outfit – adding interest, pattern, color, texture, and – most important of all – reflecting who you are. Even a little cardigan or your favorite denim jacket may be viewed as an accessory.

As for how to accessorize? Whether you’re trying to learn how to accessorize your little black dress for an evening event, or jeans and a tank top for a coffee date, remember the basics from our Introduction and Lesson One – honor your body type, proportion, and know your style.

If you’re overwhelmed by choices, use the analogy of putting together interiors. Think of a basic couch in a neutral color. By changing the sofa pillows – their shape, color, fabric, scale, and texture – you transform the energy in the entire room. In similar fashion, switching up the accessories on a classic outfit will subtly or strikingly alter the look.

The signature accessory

While I refer to “a signature accessory,” that doesn’t restrict you to a single item. Over the years, you may pick up one or more signature accessories that work with a variety of outfits. In my case, cuff bracelets, bold earrings and scarves are very much my signature. With small hands and tiny wrists, rings and standard bracelets don’t work on me. But cuffs? I adore the sleek and modernist look, and they always fit. I have two, both purchased in France, and I wear them often.

Another accessory style statement that I adore? Pearls. Piles of pearls at the neck, luxuriant and layered. Eh oui, it’s very Carrie Bradshaw in one of her many fashion phases – lavish, flirty, and with a touch of decadence! But they aren’t for every mood or venue.  Accessories should be appropriate to occasion and attire, and I’ll say it again – proportion, proportion, proportion. If you love exuberant excess – go for it – but scale it back if you’re on the shorter side.

French women and the signature accessory

Why do I associate the signature accessory with French style? As with all things I’ve experienced in France, fashion and beauty reflect quality, not quantity, and the individual, not a game of follow the leader.

You are far more likely to find a select set of chic and mixable pieces in a French woman’s placard, rather than a hundred options of low quality that make no sense. Likewise, jewelry, scarves, shoes, bags and belts – even glasses and sunglasses – will reveal and honor the woman and her stories. They will suit her, or she will not wear them.

Where to purchase the perfect accessories

Whether it’s a dozen gold bangles, as seen on Padma Lakshmi, three of your grandmother’s stickpins that make you smile, or a signature scarf – the perfect accessories may be as close as a vintage shop, your local department store, a meaningful journey, or your mother’s jewelry box. You may also find treasures by shopping in your own closet with a fresh eye.

Enjoying accessories is about the freedom to express your individuality – whether you’re dressed up or dressed down. Try different combinations. See how you feel in each. The best necklaces, earrings, scarves, belts, jackets or any other embellishment shouldn’t hide you or swallow you up. Accessories should enhance your appearance, make sense with your style, and tell your stories. It’s all about being at home in your skin – your truest, most playful, most genuine, most magnificent self.

© D A Wolf

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Has it been awhile since you were out there, socially? Are you afraid to walk into a dinner party, a casual gathering, or any other social setting now that you’re on your own? Do you know how to work a room?

Many of us suffer from some small measure of social anxiety. Or more than a small measure. Dare I say an abundance of agita? And after divorce? It seems like every one of our insecurities rears its ugly head. Even an informal environment that requires conversation or – heaven forbid – flirtation, is a potential minefield.

Break out the Tums, the anti-anxiety meds, or a few glasses of liquid courage.

Well, you’re not alone. And there may be a few alternatives to meds, booze, or the perpetual blues when you have to face the social scene on your own.

Ice breakers in a social context

Some of us learn to break the ice in our professions. We have to, or we’ll never get the job done. We’re required to engage co-workers, clients, prospective customers. If we teach or give seminars as part of our working life, we must overcome the fear of public speaking, and do – by learning tricks to put ourselves at ease, and to break the ice.

But socially, we may remain uncomfortable. As women, especially, we often worry about our appearance. The inner dialog may include some of the following:

• Damn, all the women are so much prettier.
• Damn, I should’ve worn a dress.
• Damn, I should’ve worn my jeans.
• Damn, I’m wearing too much perfume.
• Damn, I put on too much makeup.
• Damn, I should’ve worn more makeup!
• Damn, why didn’t I lose those ten pounds?
• Damn, they’re all so young!

Does any of that sound familiar? Well it’s been my internal dialog at various points, including long before I ever married. Those questions ran through my head any time I had to enter the social scene and even dream of chatting with strangers – men and women, both. But over the years, I learned to apply a few of my business ice breaker tactics to my personal life. And the same principles of working a room are quite effective.

Preparation, practice, and confidence

Whether it’s a dinner party, a wedding party, a luncheon, or the bar scene at a crowded club, the same principles apply. First of all, a little preparation goes a long way.

• Know your goals in attending (personal, professional).
• Know something of the ambiance you can expect (formal, casual, etc.).
• Find out the sort of people likely to be present (age range, professions).
• Formulate a few good opening lines or conversational topics before attending.
• If you need to – practice them! And the possible follow-up.

If there is a professional theme running through the gathering, you have plenty of topics that you could potentially use to break the ice. For example, you could ask what someone thinks about a new development in your field, or a particular trend.

If there is a special interest theme (sports, music, art), you have many gateways into the conversation, including someone’s favorite team, game, performance, exhibition, and why they hold that opinion.

If these are other parents, you can ask about children, their schools, their interests. Who doesn’t love to talk about their kids?

What else? Practice! Get out there.  The worst that can happen? You’ll be a little uncomfortable. You’ll learn from the rough spots. And then you will get out there again. Use whatever metaphor you’d like – getting up after falling off the horse, walking before you run. But do it. Start small. Then keep going.

As you do, you gain confidence – you’re facing your fear head-on, and each time you will improve. Slowly you’ll find you are widening your circles, and enjoying new social arenas, making friends, meeting interesting people. Connecting in ways that will enrich your life.

Opening lines that may help break the ice

You don’t have to use the old standby lines like “Do you come here often?” But there may be variations that are less cliché, and very workable. For example, these are effective in almost any context:

• Hi. My name is Jane. Are you enjoying yourself here?
• Hi. My name is Lulu. I’ve never been here before. What do you think of these gatherings?
• Hi. I’m Sylvia. I find these crowds to be a little daunting, but you seem at ease. How do you manage it?

Do you notice that there’s nothing particularly original in any of those ice breakers?

Of course if you can come up with something funny, surprising, or thoughtful – do! Perhaps you want to comment on an entertaining bow-tie, or a smashing tattoo. But what the lines above have in common is introducing yourself (that lets down barriers), showing a bit of vulnerability (it puts the other person at ease) and, they’re open-ended questions.

That’s the point. Ask questions. Then listen, observe, and engage. Remember that attentive listening is rare, and a balanced exchange of talking and listening is critical to an enjoyable chat with anyone, for any purpose. There’s a reason it’s called the “art of conversation.” And beneath every art lies craft – tools and tricks that you can master.

Learn to work the room. I know you can do it.

© D A Wolf  

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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