1.     Don’t ignore the situation
As hard as it may be to hear that your partner is seeking a divorce the best advice is always never to bury your head in the sand about it. As soon as you receive correspondence from your partner’s solicitor, or in some cases divorce papers, you need to find your own solicitor and begin proceedings.

2.     Ask for help
As well as legal help you are also going to need emotional support to get you through this stressful time. Friends and family will always be there for you but a trained counsellor can also provide much needed comfort. A good solicitor will be able to put you in touch with a counsellor if you don’t know where to start looking for one.

3.     Do not move out unless it is necessary
By moving out you will lose vital negotiating power in deciding what ultimately will happen to the family home. If the final decision is to sell the house and you are not living there at the time you will also lose some control over the sale.

4.     Don’t mess with the finances
If a friend or family member is in need of money it is important not to be too generous whilst the divorce settlement is being discussed as if funds are given to someone else this could be seen as trying to put money beyond their reach, which would be very unfair.

5.     Don’t bring the children into your argument
Emotions can be all over the place at this time but it is important never to speak badly of your partner in front of your children as the last thing you want to happen is for this to affect their relationship with the other parent.

6.     Every break up is different
It may be helpful to talk to friends or family members about their experience of divorce but remember what happened to them may not happen to you. Divorce is dealt with on a case by case basis as some marriage break downs are dealt with much easier and quicker than others.

7.     Save money by doing things yourself
The more you discuss the situation and work out a solution without legal help the less it will cost financially as solicitors will charge by the hour and many things can be done by yourself.

8.     Don’t listen to assumed myths
There are many assumptions that people make during a relationship breakdown such as the mother always gets custody of the children and couples who live together that aren’t married have the same rights as a married couple. Talk your concerns through with your solicitor and don’t assume anything.

9.     Don’t take things out of perspective
Ringing your solicitor to inform them of every little thing your partner does wrong can be costly and won’t necessarily change the outcome of children’s custody or the splitting of finances. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in such circumstances but try to keep focused on the final settlement. And finally…

10.  Listen to your lawyer
Your divorce solicitor may not always tell you exactly what you want to hear but they will certainly do their best in achieving the best possible outcome for you based on their years of experience dealing with cases.
 

Then it turns out that she spends the night with the girlfriend who still remained single because there is no other solution. They either go to conquer into the night, or may go to the movies, but whatever the program may be the end is always the same, it is guaranteed that next morning she wakes up alone in bed…
In fact, it is natural that we don’t want to be alone and also that always those things hurt most in life, which are missing. If we don’t have a job that causes the pain, if we are sick we pray to recover as soon as possible, if there is a broken pipe and we have no running water for three days, we pray for not having to take a shower again at our friend’s in another district, if there is no love in our lives, the passion and the lack of the feeling of belonging to someone troubles our soul. It is useful to see that not only singles have problems, isn’t it…???

But still this lack is the most painful of all… What is the mystery of love that keeps us all detained, and without which life seems so mechanical and lifeless? And how is it possible that life immediately becomes rose scented, a rainbow appears in the sky and the warm feeling in our hearts helps to endure the unbearable, to survive the unsurvivable?
Frankly, I don’t have the faintest idea. Since people existed they have been trying to put their thoughts into words about the feeling, in vain…

Sometimes I’m pondering about how much is missed during such a miserable, pathetic state, when we’re moody, aimless, bored and don’t care about anything… I mean, how many possibilities!
How many possibilities to acquire a better education, to earn more money, to build up a nice career, to find ourselves in a good hobby, to achieve excellent results in your favorite sport, to everything that suddenly will be missed when the One enters our life. When we have to show him that what more is in us apart from that Crazy flame… Because, for sure, if beyond our wonderful devotion we cannot present anything else but our fluttering eyelids and puckered mouth, it is almost certain that we’ll be able to stand our ground in love only as much as in other fields of life before… I’m not saying that the magic of puckering cannot last for a while, but in absence of real content, there is no real chance of establishing a long lasting, harmonious relationship. Because if passion has cooled down a bit what are you going to talk about? It is impossible to converse about our non-existent career, hobby, favorite books…

I know that at the time of heartache it is difficult to concentrate on receiving further education in order to rely on more than one opportunities, learning at least one foreign language so that we can speak in the world, or achieving tiny results in any kind of sports (just for the sake of our own amusement) in order to be able to present a little success for ourselves, from which we can feed our self-confidence and self-esteem. And of course, it makes a difference how we introduce ourselves to the love of our lives…

I can not repress the philosopher of religions in myself! For a little note, I must share the thoughts of my favorite philosopher, Hegel, with the dear readership. He maintained that the person who has a strong aim in life, who can stick to one’s aim throughout a lifetime and is able to fight for it, this person will be less worn out by the games of emotions. Personally, I agree with him. You can not live only for love. We need real goals in life that make us nobler, more human, more valuable.

Always Muhammad Ali comes to my mind as the person who realized the above idea. He was preparing for one of the most important matches of his life in Africa, when one of his many wives threw the door open, almost breaking it, and hysterically attacked him: Ali! What about us? Everyone is talking about your affairs, I don’t know what to think about our marriage. Tell me, tell me what you want?! Ali looked up with shining eyes and all he replied was: I wanna be a world champion…

When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

First and foremost, the best way to help your friend through a divorce or, indeed, the decision making process, is simply to spend time with them. The thing that they will likely need most is either an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, so just being there for them – whether it is in person or on the phone – is of utmost importance. It will not only show a sign of solidarity for you as friends, but it will also make them feel more solid as an individual.

So many unhappy people can become scared of divorce because they have nobody to turn to, nobody to support them through it, so it always helps to make it known to them that you are there if they need you.

Buying gifts for her might be a nice way to cheer her up in the short term – bunches of flowers direct to the door never fail to bring a smile to somebody’s face. Flowers, as you probably know, can have many different connotations, so you will need to be careful about picking the right ones for the situation (assuming that recipient is aware of the symbolism behind certain flowers!).

Even if giving a gift or two means that she starts thinking of thank you gift ideas for just being there for her as a friend, at least you have gone some way to taking her mind off the divorce. After all, that is one of the reasons for which they might want you there as a friend. They might want to talk about it in depth or they might want to talk about everything but the divorce so they can enjoy themselves again – either way, if you’re there every step of the way, they’ll feel more confident about making one of the toughest decisions life can throw up.

Image courtesy of Jeroen van Oostrom.

And then a seemingly never-ending process begins! In bookstores and on the Internet dozens of books, magazines, self-help courses advertise the solution, try to seduce us as the Sirens did with Odysseus. You are either ready for the changes or not. Experience shows that we are unable to let the other go, cannot embrace the idea that this is over, now we have to be happy alone. Since this kind of happiness requires active work on our part, we usually don’t feel like accepting this solution…

We rather snivel on the shoulders of our favourite girlfriends because we want to tell someone that the pain is unbearable, that the loss is irreplaceable, that our heart’s been hurt so bad that it’s never going to be healed, that life is never going to be the same as it used to be.
And then on a wine-smelling, series-addict evening new promising solutions pop up on the Internet! The oracle! Who shows you your future, path, direction and opens up new opportunities and promises everything good…

We make an appointment, we go there, we have our fortune told and we are waiting for someone who sorts out our future. Tall, blond man with one black shoe, two days later in the elevator! The answer is really promising… Just to make sure, we visit another oracle to prove the truth of the previous one to ourselves. Magic ball, a black cat – a tall, brown man in the park a week later. Truth reveals itself! Positive prospects, major developments in future.

That’s not enough, since it is actually a good astrologer who knows the truth! We attend to it, search for it, try to make out the exact date from the starry sky, in order to walk home with the possibly most accurate predictions in our bag. The celestials blessed us with amazing formula! Future promises plenty of opportunities for this and that, good job, travelling, love, everything is possible because our own destiny is in our hands! It is difficult to digest! Whatever I do tomorrow that’s how it is going to be… If I enjoy the sunshine, I’ll be happy, if I am constantly thinking about passing love, I’ll be unhappy… It all depends on me! But who can live with so much responsibility?

In the evening we nestle ourselves into our favourite armchair, stare at the TV screen, and don’t get it why nobody is able to understand that we are lost, incapable of decisions and actions, our broken heart cannot be held together even by the world’s strongest superglue. Maybe I should wait because time solves everything. Or destroys? You can seek for scientific solutions, might wander on religious ways, can meditate all day long, anything might come that offers momentary solution, may promise reconciliation in the sea of sorrow …

Personally, I believe my astrologer! I believe that my destiny is really in my hands. It is not simply hard but brutally hard to wake up with the weight of this responsibility every day and to go through the day.

Being a Buddhist, I meditate regularly – for my own happiness. It helps me to see, life is full of happiness, even if I’m unable to see this all the time. It helps me to feel for a moment (!!!) that the world is perfect, the flow of continuous change in it is the natural order of life, helps to see myself with the eyes of an ‘outside observer’ and not to spend my life in the prison of my obsessions, but to try to discover the uniqueness and the inherent endless possibilities and creativity in every moment.
We might lie to everyone, especially to ourselves, might lie that we aren’t afraid. But fear is going to grow constantly inside us. The fear that this miracle of love will never find us again. That He was the last man in our lives, who we honestly and truly loved, with whom we devised our future. That it was the last time that our hearts beat so much for someone.

Then suddenly, maybe not such a long time later, when we’d given up our desires, we’d actually believed that He does not return to us, when we’d got used to our changed days, which has become our everyday life, our fears come to the surface again. Those fears, which will be even more realistic than the previous ones. Which whisper that when we are in a hurry and don’t expect it, when we’ve given up, don’t wait for it, don’t plan it – step out to the street without make-up, with matted hair and someone comes towards us who revives the feeling and the magic happens again! We fall in love…

“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

I disagree–although we only hear of the tragic endings, orders of protection carry an authority that at least some, if not many, abusers grudgingly respect. I believe these orders have saved countless from horrible mistreatment that would otherwise have occurred.

However, it is also an unfortunate truth that because they are incredibly easy to obtain, orders of protection are misused, often against men. And this false practice clogs the system unnecessarily, preventing true victims from having their cases thoroughly examined and depleting victim-assistance resources.

In matrimonial practice, men are drastically more likely to be the spouse who has an order enforced against them at the beginning of a separation or divorce. When a man has had an order of protection issued against him, many automatically think that he must have done something horribly threatening or dangerous to his partner or family in order to have a judge feel compelled to issue an order.

Orders of protection can be “stay away” or “refrain from” in topic. “Refrain from” orders direct a person to behave in a certain way. For example, a refrain from order may direct a person not to threaten another person.

“Stay away” orders are weightier. They force the accused to leave the marital residence and stay away from his partner, home, workplace, and family lest they face prosecution. Notably, stay away orders can remove a person from his home even if his name is on the lease or deed.

There are between 2 and 3 million temporary restraining orders issued in the United States annually*. Despite their huge impact on a person’s emotional and financial well-being, in order to receive a temporary “stay away” order of protection, one needs only to allege that he or she “feels” threatened by their partner. There does not need to be any history of domestic violence whatsoever. There does not have to be an actual verbal threat of domestic violence either. Likewise, there does not need to be evidence of a major overt act, such as stalking or purchasing a weapon.

The modern extreme example of a ruling gone awry involved David Letterman. In 2005, a New Mexico judge granted a woman’s request for a temporary restraining order against Mr. Letterman, claiming that he wanted to marry her and employ her as a co-host. She also alleged that Mr. Letterman forced her to go bankrupt and talked in “code” to her via his show since 1994, causing her sleep deprivation and mental anguish. Thankfully, another judge ultimately quashed that order. However, the issuing judge stood by his ruling.

These orders are issued ex parte, which means the accused has no notice of the proceeding and does not have the opportunity to defend himself prior to its issuance. The burden of proof is the lowest legal standard available- by a preponderance of the evidence, which basically means that a judge has to believe that there is a 51% chance (“more likely than not”) that the allegations are true.

These orders are granted with barely any accountability as to the facts alleged, although they often include a “stay away” provision from minor children.

A temporary order of protection lasts until you have the opportunity for a full court hearing–which unfortunately does not necessarily get scheduled for up to six weeks. Due to clogged judicial systems, sometimes a full hearing can take months. Nor does the hearing necessarily occur at the first court date- adjournments from both sides trying to gather evidence for and against the order are common.

Notably, there is no right to discovery prior to the hearing. And once a hearing takes place, the burden of proof remains the same low standard.

When a false or exaggerated allegation results in a stay away order, many innocent men are suddenly tossed from their homes without any notice. Additionally, they face a sudden and profound financial stress– they must quickly set up another residence to provide for their needs as well as to prove to a court that they have adequate provisions for future child visitations. Many rapidly find themselves having to pay for two households to avoid being accused of shirking their responsibilities. Furthermore, these men often have lost access to necessary legal and personal papers necessary to function or defend themselves.

It is a well-known fact within the matrimonial legal community that many lawyers and their clients use these orders of protection to gain a strategic advantage over their spouse from which it is difficult to recover. And since no judge wants to be the one who “gets it wrong” leading to a tragic result, these orders are easily obtained.

What does the accuser have to gain in misusing orders of protection? A lot of things, including the following:

Judicial requests for exclusive use and occupancy of a marital residence are not often granted, and can take up to six months for a ruling. Therefore, unless an allegation of threat of immediate harm is claimed, couples are forced to live under the same roof unless they can come to some form of agreement. Orders of protection force the accused to immediately leave the residence.

It sets a precedent for custody. Joint custody is presumed. However, if a permanent order of protection is issued containing a finding of domestic abuse, that finding cannot later be disputed. As a result, in many jurisdictions, there is suddenly a rebuttable presumption that the victim should have legal custody. Also, the longer a parent’s access to a child is limited, the less likely that person will be deemed the primary caregiver. In fact, often the accused spouse’s children are now afraid of their father. Many upstanding citizens are shocked to find themselves automatically subject to supervised visitation with a social worker. This may confuse children, wishing to “please” their mother, and scar them unnecessarily for life.

It serves as a bargaining chip–many men are forced to agree to a permanent order of protection either of the same or more limited scope in return for something else such as lower spousal support or more access to children.

It drains resources. It gives the accuser the upper hand in property litigation and spousal support. The ousted spouse has no access to their financial documents, tax forms, personal property, safe deposits, deeds, etc. Although he can always request from his wife’s attorney or the court that these items be made available, the process often takes time, and requests for compliance are often ignored.

It emotionally puts men on the defense. They have no access to their belongings and family. There is the mad dash to find a new place, new clothes, furniture, etc. He is now known as the “bad guy.” And, if he acts too aggressively to refute the allegations, it may make him suddenly seem more menacing. The innocent who are accused are therefore thrown into overwhelming turmoil from which it is difficult to recover.

It creates a windfall for the attorneys. Once a stay away order is issued, the parties cannot communicate with each other. All communications must therefore be carried out via the parties’ lawyers. As a result, there is a strong incentive for the less ethically minded lawyer to protract a legal battle by encouraging this tactic.

There has been a small effort to address the problem, but none have made significant
efforts to remedy it. In New Jersey, in 2008, one trial judge found that the current standard of proof was unconstitutional in that it violated the defendant’s right to due process, and required the stricter “clear and convincing evidence standard.” However, the Appellate Division overturned the ruling, which was upheld by the New Jersey Supreme Court**.

In 2005, The Family Law News, California State Bar’s official publication in the field, noted
that the state issued on average 250,000 orders of protection annually. It acknowledged that the issuance of such orders were “routine” and conceded that they were misused by parties seeking to “jockey” for an advantage in custody matters and as retaliation***. Similarly, the Illinois Bar Journal called orders of protection “part of the gamesmanship of divorce****.”

A few recent studies examine this problem. One study found that 59% of allegations of domestic violence between couples involved in custody disputes could not be substantiated by the courts as true*****. A 2008 analysis of orders issued in one county in West Virginia concluded that 81% were unnecessary or false******. A 2010 review by Connecticut’s Judicial Department noted that ex parte orders increased over 25% from 2003 and 2004, and that nothing was being done to stop frivolous requests*******.

Given the foregoing, this problem is certainly one that our judicial system should address and remedy. Part of the reason I believe that it hasn’t is due to the fact that, unfortunately, those raising this legitimate concern tend to do so using vitriolic rhetoric. Websites focusing on men’s and father’s rights abound, and most use bombastic language that pretty much undermines their point that these men are peaceful and non-threatening. Even the notoriously controversial Phyllis Schlafly jumped into the discussion starting in 2007 complaining that liberal feminists are to blame for the misuse********.

There’s pretty much no doubting my feminist camp allegiance, and it was a personal challenge to review many anger-driven websites and commentaries blasting women and still write this article and acknowledge that there is a systemic-wide problem.

What none of these websites do, however, is offer any solutions. Here are some actions that may serve as a starting point:

Study the issue in a non-partisan manner to assess how prevalent the problem truly is.

Cease the nasty rhetoric. Pointing the blame at a particular political or social group is unhelpful. Both sides must acknowledge that there are many women truly in need of protection, and both must acknowledge that many abuse the system for strategic reasons.

If the jurisdiction allows for it, concerned men who anticipate that their partner or spouse plans to misuse the system should tape record conversations. Such recordings have saved many innocent persons from losing their homes and families.

In complaints, incorporate stronger language delineating the penalties for perjury. Enforce those penalties.

Treat temporary orders similar to criminal charges by requiring an “arraignment” relative to the charges within a 48 hour period. Treat a temporary order as analogous to an arrest, and require within that short time frame an offer of proof similar to the “reasonable suspicion” standard.

At that preliminary hearing, if an initial threshold is met, allow the accused to list necessary personal items (such as clothes) and valuables (such as identification and financial paperwork) at the residence and order the accuser coordinate their release within a specific timeframe. Impose sanctions for non-compliance or obstruction.

Award attorneys’ fees for motion practice to recoup personal property that is not timely released.

Because no judge likes to overrule herself, assign different judges to hear a temporary and permanent order of protection.

Require corroborating evidence for permanent stay away orders where there is no prior history of domestic violence and there is no allegation of actual physical harm.

Give the tort of “abuse of process” some teeth. This tort, rarely used or recognized, basically allows one party to sue another party who has abused a civil or criminal process, such as requesting an unfounded order of protection. Abuse is evident where someone has used the process based on ulterior motivations sounding in economic or social advantages. Unfortunately, some jurisdictions specifically state that the tort is not ripe until after a divorce is finalized, and after the harm is done. These jurisdictions should amend their rules to allow for joinder of this action with divorce proceedings.

Allow any finding of abuse of process to be relevant in custodial considerations where, by clear and convincing evidence, a party proves that 1) a parent willfully misused the protection process in order to gain a tactical advantage, and 2) the willful misuse is evidence that the parent is likely to be unwilling to worth with the other parent in their joint responsibilities*********.

*U.S. Dept. of Justice, Office of Justice Programs Bureau of Justice Statistics.
**Crespo v. Crespo, 989 A.2d 827, 201 N.J. 207 (2009).
***Robe and Ross, Extending The Impact Of Domestic Violence Protective Orders, Family Law News, Vol. 27, No. 4 (2005).
****Lerner, Sword or Shield: Combating Orders-of-Protection Abuse in Divorce, Illinois Bar Journal (Nov. 2007).
*****Johnston J et al. Allegations and substantiations of abuse in custody-disputing families. Family Court Review, Vol. 43, No. 2, 2005.
******Foster BP. Analyzing the cost and effectiveness of governmental policies. Cost Management Vol. 22, No. 3, 2008.
*******Domestic Violence in Connecticut, Judicial Branch, State of Connecticut (2010 Ed.).
********Schlafly, Feminists Abuse Domestic Violence Laws, www.townhall.com, Nov. 26, 2007.
*********See e.g., Campbell v. Campbell, 604 A.2d 33 (Me. 1992).

*Previously published on The Huffington Post.

Most of you are working on personal change –so you are aware of areas you wish to grow in and are actively becoming your best self.  As such, you’ve experienced how change can sometimes take longer than you think, can come about in a different way than you anticipated, and how it can sometimes feel like a stop-n-start activity (with times when you’re progressing and other times when you feel stuck or like you’ve relapsed).

Knowing how much focus and effort it takes to change yourself, why would anyone undertake the task of changing another?!  And yet, in the US society, women are typically led to believe that if they can just find a good man, they can then change him into ‘Mr. Right’.

Paradoxically, the typical US man believes that the woman will always remain just the way she was when he met her (that she’ll never change).  So when she grows and changes, he wants her to go back to the way she was when they met.

She tries to make him change, and he tries to make her not change.  As you can predict, both of these scenarios are doomed to fail.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen this far too often.

So what’s the cure for this disease?  It comes down to two things:

1) love your partner unconditionally — in other words love them for who they are right now (not for who they could be or who they used to be), and

2) spend your energy working on yourself and let your partner do the same (it’s not your place to make suggestions of things your partner could work on).

When you meet someone and are dating, take the time to really get to know that person well.  Meet their friends (recent and long-time), get to know their family, meet their co-workers, and be certain to share lots of mundane, everyday experiences together so you can tell how this person really is in the world.

Date for a while; don’t rush into anything.  It’s really important that you know all aspects of your partner (and vice versa) BEFORE you commit to each other.  By doing this, you will be able to unconditionally love and accept your partner for who they are, in their entirety.  And that is the key to a happy relationship — truly seeing, knowing, accepting and loving everything about the other.

Another helpful technique is to stop thinking that your way is the right way.  Instead, shift your thinking to “there is no one right way; every way has validity”.  When you make this shift, you won’t be inclined to insist that others do things your way, and you’ll be more receptive to learning new ways of doing things and seeing things.  In other words, you’ll have an open mind.

As Colonel Potter said on M*A*S*H, “Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.”

If you want to change the world, change yourself.  For that is the one place you have any influence.  And the change you make in yourself will impact others in many seen and unseen ways.

Trying to change another is futile, but working to change yourself is miraculous!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

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“How could I have been replaced so quickly!” my friend Beth wondered.

We were discussing her husband’s soon-to-be new wife; she felt shock and disbelief as to how he could find a new “serious” partner so soon after their divorce.

Our ex-spouses’ new partners was the focus of discussion one afternoon with my friends and I, while keeping Beth company. Her children were out—at their father’s (and Beth’s ex-husband’s) wedding.

While none of us were jealous or angry about our ex’s new partners, we all certainly had different feelings about the matter.

Mary, the introspective one in the group, had a very objective opinion. She was happy for her ex’s new union and actually felt “lucky.” Her reasons were practical: “I didn’t think that my ex could handle the kids on his own, his girlfriend is a nice person and is good to the kids.”

Trying to see the positive

Mary looked at it as a bonus because she saw it as another pair of hands who could be nurturing and positively influence the father of her children to be a better role model.

While Beth wanted out of her marriage, she did feel a little sad. Yes, she admitted, the new woman was kind and nice too – but she felt cheated.  This new woman had something that she didn’t – a lifestyle of “not having to work and being looked after.”

Jan Tanzer, a marriage and family therapist in Toronto, agrees that the emotions experienced when your ex has a new partner are wide ranging.

“Some people feel relieved when their ex has a new partner and it isn’t always difficult for them to accept this.” Nor is it always about being replaced. But, what people need to look at are their own personal issues and how this can affect other relationships.

Tanzer advises that you evaluate what you were missing in your marriage as a way of moving on and dealing with your mixed emotions. If you find it difficult to accept that your ex has a new partner, you need to look inward and determine what you really need in a relationship.

Here are the top 5 things to consider when working through the emotions of coping with your ex moving on and finding a new partner:

1. Be introspective

Speak with a coach or therapist to gain an understanding of your own relationship issues. Seek to avoid repeating the same relationship patterns. For example, are you constantly attracted to the same personality type that doesn’t work for you long term?

2. Figure out what you need in a relationship

Make a list of qualities you want in a partner. What qualities are deal breakers and what can you live with? Be honest with yourself.

3. Develop self awareness

Think of the work you need to do yourself to attract the type of partner you are looking for.

4. Develop objectivity

If you are feeling jealous, hurt, angry and so on, try to reframe your thinking. If your ex spouse wasn’t right for you, isn’t it better that you find someone who is?

5. Put your children’s best interests first

Your feelings about this relationship will affect your children. If you are finding it difficult to deal with, ensure that you don’t ask your children too many questions or discuss your concerns about this new partner. Work your feelings through with a neutral third person.

People have different emotions and experiences when disentangling from a former spouse. Some are saddened by the loss of the person with whom they had hoped to spend the rest of their life. Others are thrilled to finally be apart. The range of emotions are equally dramatic when your spouse finds a new partner—whether or not you are into a new relationship too. For some, it opens up new wounds and for others, it just makes them pause and reflect.

Author Bio: Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com