When one parent behaves in a hurtful way, the other parent naturally seeks to retaliate. Then the first parent responds with additional abuse and the other
parent feels the need to respond in kind. This creates a negative feedback loop that can go on for years in a malignant and self sustaining way that brings nothing but misery for everybody in the family.

It only takes one parent deciding to stop reacting to negative behavior, to break the negative feedback loop. You may not realize just how provocative you are. You may not get it that you trigger her in ways that are unfathomable to you. And you may be relieved when she simply doesn’t judge you so harshly anymore. You may even do something nice in return.

Understand that life is unfair. That’s it. Let go of resentments that really don’t count for much in the long run. You see, there is more than just a negative feedback loop. There is a positive one as well.

Treat a normal person with respect; you may get the same in return.

First and foremost, the best way to help your friend through a divorce or, indeed, the decision making process, is simply to spend time with them. The thing that they will likely need most is either an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, so just being there for them – whether it is in person or on the phone – is of utmost importance. It will not only show a sign of solidarity for you as friends, but it will also make them feel more solid as an individual.

So many unhappy people can become scared of divorce because they have nobody to turn to, nobody to support them through it, so it always helps to make it known to them that you are there if they need you.

Buying gifts for her might be a nice way to cheer her up in the short term – bunches of flowers direct to the door never fail to bring a smile to somebody’s face. Flowers, as you probably know, can have many different connotations, so you will need to be careful about picking the right ones for the situation (assuming that recipient is aware of the symbolism behind certain flowers!).

Even if giving a gift or two means that she starts thinking of thank you gift ideas for just being there for her as a friend, at least you have gone some way to taking her mind off the divorce. After all, that is one of the reasons for which they might want you there as a friend. They might want to talk about it in depth or they might want to talk about everything but the divorce so they can enjoy themselves again – either way, if you’re there every step of the way, they’ll feel more confident about making one of the toughest decisions life can throw up.

Image courtesy of Jeroen van Oostrom.

“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Likewise, no one can make you behave in a way you don’t want to.  You always have the choice of how you wish to respond to any given situation.

Reactions are knee-jerk and tend to happen very quickly, without any thought or editing involved.  Whereas, responses are thought-out, edited, and considered beforehand.  I know this may seem like semantics, but it helps to clearly define what we’re talking about here.

When someone says something rude or inconsiderate to you, do you react or respond?  Do you reply without thought?  Or do you consider your words and choose your emotional state?

Do you react out of the pain that their words might have triggered in you?  Or do you choose what your internal climate will be, choose to respond from your heart, and speak with care?

Here’s how you can tell:  Do you frequently find yourself saying something and then later wishing you could take it back, alter the tone a bit, or change a certain word?  If so, then you are reacting to others.  If this sounds like you, then consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn how to respond differently.

The way to take ownership of your words and actions is to begin to catch yourself reacting.  Begin by noticing after the reaction occurs.  Notice how quickly you reacted to the other person’s comment or behavior.  Notice how you felt when you replied.  Notice the impact your reply had on the other person.  Notice how you felt afterwards.  Just notice, without judging yourself as wrong.

Next, see if you can catch yourself closer to the time it is occurring, in other words while you’re reacting.  Again, just watch, observe and notice, without judgment.  When you are able to do this, next start catching yourself before you actually react.  THIS is when the really noticeable change occurs!

Now that you’re able to catch yourself BEFORE you react, you can take a moment to choose how you’d like to respond.  You can choose to release any emotions attached to the situation.  You can choose to run the words you’re thinking through your heart first, to soften them, and select the most appropriate words.

You can take a moment and think about the impact that your chosen words might have on the other person.  You can take a deep breath or two.  And then, when you’re sure you are pleased with your choices, you can respond to the situation or person.

When you do this, once again notice how you feel while you’re responding.  Notice the impact on the other person.  Notice how you feel afterwards.  And (you guessed it!), do this without judging yourself.

That’s it!  That’s what it takes to make the transition from being reactionary to being responsive…from saying knee-jerk, thoughtless comments to offering well-thought-out, edited comments that you won’t later regret.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself…you are an amazing person with a beautiful heart — and now you’ll get to share that with everyone you meet, regardless of their behavior choices.

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

Most of you are working on personal change –so you are aware of areas you wish to grow in and are actively becoming your best self.  As such, you’ve experienced how change can sometimes take longer than you think, can come about in a different way than you anticipated, and how it can sometimes feel like a stop-n-start activity (with times when you’re progressing and other times when you feel stuck or like you’ve relapsed).

Knowing how much focus and effort it takes to change yourself, why would anyone undertake the task of changing another?!  And yet, in the US society, women are typically led to believe that if they can just find a good man, they can then change him into ‘Mr. Right’.

Paradoxically, the typical US man believes that the woman will always remain just the way she was when he met her (that she’ll never change).  So when she grows and changes, he wants her to go back to the way she was when they met.

She tries to make him change, and he tries to make her not change.  As you can predict, both of these scenarios are doomed to fail.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen this far too often.

So what’s the cure for this disease?  It comes down to two things:

1) love your partner unconditionally — in other words love them for who they are right now (not for who they could be or who they used to be), and

2) spend your energy working on yourself and let your partner do the same (it’s not your place to make suggestions of things your partner could work on).

When you meet someone and are dating, take the time to really get to know that person well.  Meet their friends (recent and long-time), get to know their family, meet their co-workers, and be certain to share lots of mundane, everyday experiences together so you can tell how this person really is in the world.

Date for a while; don’t rush into anything.  It’s really important that you know all aspects of your partner (and vice versa) BEFORE you commit to each other.  By doing this, you will be able to unconditionally love and accept your partner for who they are, in their entirety.  And that is the key to a happy relationship — truly seeing, knowing, accepting and loving everything about the other.

Another helpful technique is to stop thinking that your way is the right way.  Instead, shift your thinking to “there is no one right way; every way has validity”.  When you make this shift, you won’t be inclined to insist that others do things your way, and you’ll be more receptive to learning new ways of doing things and seeing things.  In other words, you’ll have an open mind.

As Colonel Potter said on M*A*S*H, “Just remember, there’s a right way and a wrong way to everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.”

If you want to change the world, change yourself.  For that is the one place you have any influence.  And the change you make in yourself will impact others in many seen and unseen ways.

Trying to change another is futile, but working to change yourself is miraculous!

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com

View all posts by EliseOnLife →

I’m a natural-born debater.  I haven’t been in a formal debate since being captain of my high school debate team and my days of debates over policy and procedure in a large corporation are long gone too.  Yet I’m in a season of my life in which I find myself debating on a daily basis, with the one person who seems to win an inordinate amount of the time.  That “person” is that inner-critic that lives inside my head, constantly reminding me of the mistakes and missteps of my past, telling me that I shouldn’t take that risk, presenting every possible reason why I shouldn’t do or think differently, and cautioning me against daring to dream of a future that is better than my past has been.

It’s not that this inner-critic is smarter than me, it’s just more persistent and incessant.  I’ve come to understand that its motives are pure. Its ultimate purpose is to keep me safe.  Yet, though the intent is good, the execution is not.  Some psychologists refer to the source of this negative self-chatter as “ego”.  Dr. Michael Pollack writes that “The ego is constantly judging everything and everyone, including itself and its own behavior.  The purpose of this judging is to survive by being right… This negative self-talk forcefully leads us away from who we really are and into believing what we and others have told us we are.” It should come as no surprise then that this type of negative self-sabotage almost certainly leads to failure, time and time again.

For me, much of the negative, self-defeating chatter involves the shame and embarrassment I feel about being divorced, more than once.  The chatter always gets much worse when I decide to start dating again.  The fear of sharing this aspect of my past with someone new that I’d like to make a good impression on is often overwhelming.  The actual conversation has never turned out to be as awful as I imagine in my head, but that doesn’t make it any easier to contemplate the next time I think about having it.

This week I decided to try something revolutionary for me – something totally outside of the box.  Instead of continuing to engage in this painful and totally counterproductive debate, I’m choosing to let it go.  No more explanations or rationalizations.  No more analyzing or soul-searching.  I’ve learned the lessons I needed to learn from each of my past relationships and it’s time to move on.  Every time one of those negative thoughts comes, instead of giving it free reign to wreak havoc with my head and heart, I’m choosing to take Dr. Pollack’s advice and instead say “Thank you.  Good-bye.”  I’m saying “thank you” to my ego in acknowledgement of its intent to help me and keep me safe from harm.  There are times when this is a valuable and much-needed gift.  Then I say “good-bye” to the negative thought because I don’t need it any more and more often than not, it’s not even true.

This exercise is so simple that it seems impossible that it could really work, but it does.  For the first few days, I found myself saying “Thank you. Good-bye” several times in a row.  Sometimes I even had to say the words out loud.  After a while I found myself saying them much less because the unwanted incoming thoughts were fewer and farther between.  Even more amazing than the dramatic decrease in the negative self-talk is the feeling of calm that’s filled the void.  I’m finding myself to be more energetic, more productive, more relaxed, and more focused on creating the life I desire.  By choosing to release all that negative energy, I’ve created space for more positive, productive, creative energy to move in.  I like this energy a lot more.

So what’s the moral of this story for a seasoned debater like me, and maybe for you too?  Some debates simply aren’t worth having.

Author Bio: Sydney Tyler Thomas is a writer, small business owner, and avid knitter.  Her book, The Joy of Soulful Knitting: Reflections on the Art of the Craft, is available online at www.lulu.com/gracebaybooks.  She lives in Virginia and is the proud mother of a daughter serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.  Sydney runs a small knitting ministry aimed at helping women who are survivors of sexual violence and enjoys writing about issues facing women over 40 as they navigate through the second act, celebrating self-awareness, creativity, and spirituality.  She blogs about her thoughts on living, learning, and loving at www.newcalling.blogspot.com. Sydney can be reached by e-mail at info@sydneytylerthomas.com and can also be found on LinkedIn.

At 66 years old, my mom is a real firecracker. This woman has so much energy, she makes 20 year olds look like slugs.  But much more than that, mom is confident.  She’s generous beyond belief.  She’s sexy.  Has taken great care of herself.  And she spends her days either working 10 hour shifts in the hospital or taking care of somebody, some animal or some thing.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my mom is also divorced.  Ten years ago, after 35 years of marriage, my dad left her for another woman.  And not only am I so proud of how she has pulled herself and life together, I am so very grateful – for she has served as an important role model to me during my divorce, in ways that differ from my divorced girlfriends.

My divorced girlfriends have helped me immensely with the nitty gritty of the day-in, day-out baby steps of adjusting to divorce.  We’ve cried, belly-laughed, and shared everything and anything which each other over countless cups of tea (and wine:).  But in witnessing my mom’s divorce, which happened from afar as we live in two different cities, I was given hope.  Her personal tranformations in the aftermath were truly remarkable.  And some part of me thought, ” Hey, if she can go through this in her late fifties and turn it into a positive life experience instead of drowning in it, then why should I do any differently?”

That’s not to say I didn’t see my mom’s pain.  It was excruciating at the beginning.  I remember going grocery shopping with her one day and how she pushed the cart around with this glazed look on her face – it was a look I didn’t understand.  And when she later collapsed on the floor in tears while bringing the grocery bags in, I wept and held her, though I STILL didn’t understand the enormity of her pain….though I did a few years later when it happened to me.

I remember my mom expressing some of her fears to me back then – how she assumed friends would reject her cause she’d be the ‘third wheel.’  How she felt old.  Alone.  The mere  thought of moving out of our large family home was too much for her.  As for dating or a potential relationship with someone new – they weren’t even on her radar.

But with time – oh yes, this blessed healing thing called Time -  she slowly started putting the pieces of her Self and her life together again.  Anew.  It was like watching a grown woman give birth to herself.  She became much more open-minded about so many topics and life issues.  She joined cooking clubs and went out with all the ‘young people’ at work for dinners and drinks.  She started dating – and yes, she even then took a new lover.   And next thing you know, she was talking excitedly about the new home she was having built just for her….

My mom is so abundantly full of life and happiness now.  Her social calendar, between family and friends, is constantly full (so much for being the ‘third wheel’!).  And she is so grateful for what she DOES have - ie: health, money, friends, children and grandbabies – even though that long list doesn’t include a husband at this point in time. 

So I – her daughter – have sat back and watched this Woman – my mom - rise above her former life and become the libertine she is now.  And I think Wow.  Isn’t she something?  And though I wouldn’t wish divorce on any woman in the world, I see how good GREAT things can happen to women after divorce.  The personal growth that can ensue, the new sense of purpose and freedom, the new sense of Self – they really are all ours for the creating. 

But of course we all need the help of a wonderful friend or two along the way.  And as I look back on my journey, I can’t help but feel so grateful – not just for all the support of my amazing girlfriends, but for that which came from my ultimate role model: my mom.  

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Submitted by Delaine

At any point since your marriage ended, have you been inspired to see a tarot card reader or psychic? Cause I have.  A few times, in fact.  I’ve also looked for ‘angel footprints’ and messages from Above – it’s all about needing a bit of faith, isn’t it?  In ourselves, our futures AND the universe we live in?

The first psychic ‘session’ I experienced happened soon after I separated from my husband three years ago.  And the strange thing is, she sought ME out, not vice versa:

I was on my first ever trip to Vegas with six close girlfriends.   One afternoon while shopping with the girls, I drifted off from the pack and wandered  into a clock store (no idea why, I had no interest in clocks!).   As I browsed around, I suddenly sensed I was being watched  – and there she was: a petite, dark-haired woman, standing in the middle of an aisle, staring at me.   She kept staring and staring -  I was beginning to wonder if she was “all there” – when she marched right up to me and hissed:  “I can see your aura!  Trust me, I can see things.  You need to know what I see.” 

“O…K”  I said, looking around uneasily. 

“Two things!” she said.  “One, your aura is so dark!  There are men all around you, bad men, men from your past, men coming at you now.  You need to get rid of all this bad male energy, it’s eating you up inside!”

“O…K” I replied again.  She was kinda making sense…

“Two!”  She stepped in close, looking me in the eyes.  “You are going to write a book! It will bring you great joy and be a great success.  You need to stop worrying about money.  Five years from now your life will look so good!”

And at that, she threw up her hands and scurried out of the store.

I stood there gawking down an empty aisle. “Did that just happen?  Then:  Wow, what a loony!”  Then, “Me, write a book?  As if!”  

But later, when I told my friends what had happened, one friend said,  “Even if she was a nut job Amelia, the universe wanted you to hear her messages.  There are no ‘accidents’ after all…”  

I suddenly felt a bit hopeful – maybe the darkness I was living in would pass…

Fast forward to last week.  My children were on holidays with their Grandma, so I took a much-needed road trip to Kelowna, BC.   I use to live in BC but it was over a decade ago - and the familiar landscape and energy out there stirred something in me… perhaps of the Amelia I used to be before I moved to Calgary, got married, had kids, and well …lost my Self.  

Anyhow, one lovely afternoon, as a meandered down an unknown street in Kelowna,  I suddenly thought, “I’d sure love to have a tarot card reading today.”  But I brushed off the thought - after all, what were the chances?

Yet there she was.  Sitting in the park under a tree.  A sign on her table read “Tarot Readings, $20.”  I sat down right away, the timing was perfect.  And for the next hour, I sat there listening to this lady with the blue eye shadow and unblended foundation, divine my present and future life in startling detail.

After that session, I stood along the boardwalk overlooking the water with tears brewing in my eyes.  Not because of any bad events she forecast, but because of the divine chills I kept feeling throughout our session; because of the loving presence I felt standing over my shoulder; because of the hope I felt caressing and undulating in my heart; because of the peaceful terrain I foresaw and believed to be ahead in my future.

And in that moment, I knew that she, this stranger with the bright blue eye shadow and wise heart,  had given me something I really needed – something that went far beyond what I’d have gotten from a session with a psychologist; that is, a return to the faith that life, and the universe, ARE on my side.  It was time to start remembering the core of who I am, who I use to be – that Gypsy-like Amelia who, a decade ago, was spiritually free and open to life.  She was a woman who created life… and didn’t just react to it. 

Yes…that old Amelia is still alive.  Alive, well, and very, very welcome.  But you know what the most ironic part of this tale is?  Not only did she write that book like Vegas ‘nut job’ predicted - it’s also  soon to be published.  (smile)

Amelia

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Al and Tipper Gore to Divorce

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, by now you’ve heard the term gray divorce, likely in conjunction with the news that Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up after 40 years.

Of course, the original announcement was followed by a claim that Al Gore’s marital defection was in fact the result of an affair, with denials coming fast and furious. As I continue to read related articles, I find myself shaking my head at those who are (foolishly) leaving marriages at 55 or 60 or older, whatever the reason.

Did I really say foolishly?

You bet I did. Whether you believe that leaving a 40-year marriage is necessary following infidelity or for any number of other motivations, Al and Tipper Gore hardly represent the norm when it comes to calling it quits on wedded non-bliss.

Or are they like the rest of us in more ways than we realize?

Love in ruins?

Is it all about boredom? The grinding of teeth? Never putting down the toilet seat?

Whatever the reason, dismantling a long-term marriage is no small thing, and if the husband leaves, often the female partner finds herself ill-equipped for re-entry in the single world. Depending on age and finances, making her way in her 50s, 60s, or beyond may prove daunting, especially if divorce is long, expensive, and contentious.

So what about those habits that drive you nuts? If you stuck it out for 30 years, should you – for 20 more?

Call me crazy, but I’m particularly surprised when couples mutually agree to split at 50 or older. I wonder why they don’t stay married and do as they please, especially if children are no longer in the picture. Why go through the drama of divorce at all?

The desire for fire

For women – if you have money for “maintenance,” you may be fine. If another relationship is of no interest, likewise. But if you’d like a compatible partner after 50 or 60 or older, think again. You’ve got a tough road ahead.

And gentlemen – if you believe women don’t still want sex at that age, consider this: Freed from the worries of pregnancy, some of us want it more as we mature. We’ve got plenty of desire to go around. What we don’t have plenty of is partners.

Trending?

The Village Voice is now crediting the Al and Tipper Gore split for a rash of recent “old people divorces” – citing such causes as general unhappiness, emotional distance, and the typical irritations of, well. . . decades of irritations.

According to the article, it’s the women who are predominantly initiating divorce, a position which is backed up by yet more references elaborating the benefits of marriage for men, and how “marriage sucks for women.”

Stay? Go? One last chance?

So what do we conclude? Have Al and Tipper started a trend, or are they the graying poster children for the Baby Boomers doing what they do – chasing impossible dreams – still?

While I don’t believe that anyone should “settle” for unhappiness, I have my doubts about contradictory data – women as more financially stable than ever before (in what demographics?), men marrying wealthier women (I have the same question), all the while anecdotal evidence persists that men shy away when women are too self-sufficient.*

So I repeat: Where does that leave men and women in our dotage? Better off single, married, or divorced?

Revisiting data

I wonder what the statistics will reveal in five years time. Will older divorcing couples be more content? More accomplished? Or disappointed? Will they be adding to the burdens of their adult children? The health care system? Or will “all of us old people” be happily hooking up on Craig’s List?

Maybe if you’re Al or Tipper Gore, or Helen Mirren (also mentioned in the Village Voice article), then go for it. In Mirren’s case, you’ve got talent and beauty on your side. As for the Gores, you’ve got resources and celebrity, which means access to whatever you might desire to enhance your marketability.

And the rest of us?

I’m all for freedom and chasing the dream, but this doesn’t strike me as a promising trend, if indeed it is one. If we still believe in Make Love Not War, then why bother with the legalities?

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

More Articles:

Ask the Divorce Coach: Is it Time to Leave my Marriage?

In Defense of Dads Who Leave

Husband Left to go “Find Himself”

I caught a glimpse of the ex the other day. We had to be in the same place and cordially stayed on opposite sides of the room. He always keeps his back to me when we are in these situations but I always sit facing him, daring him to look into my eyes.

I feel nothing for him ~ towards him ~ about him. I just want to be able to look into his face and let him know that I’m okay with all of this. Words are not important to me in this case, just something to finish it with some level of dignity.

I understand that this seems crazy but this has been important to me for a long time. HE left me. He left our kids and didn’t look back. He took off with a ‘friend’ and treated us with scorn, derision, loathing. He made me battle with him for Child Support and I always won in the end. I learned patience and tolerance and how to turn the other cheek. I grew strong and unbreakable but I never became brittle or embittered.

I see things differently I suppose. I look back at this as the best growth spurt of my life, one that I was forced to do alone (I had no family around me). I had to stand tall and be the best role model that my children could follow.

But my bottom line is that I am so thankful. Thankful to Denise for taking an abusive partner off of my hands. Thankful to the judges that gave me my 60% and custody of the children. Thankful to my friends who walked beside me in the darkest of days. Thankful to him for donating his sperm for these beautiful young adults. Thankful that they have inherited his perfectionism and his determination.

I am thankful because without having him in my life to rock it and roll it and try to bury me, I would never have known how amazing I am.

So when I saw him the other day ~ and I saw how ravaged his face had become, I almost wanted to touch it. Not because I love him but because I LOVED him. I wanted to go to him, to smile at him and to cross those angry days off of my life’s calendar. I want him to have a good life ~ to be good to our children and to stop loathing the girl that he never quite knew. I want the anger to be over.

My heart is calm, I am replete…

Namaste, Maya

Divorced Women Online Social Network. The new social network for the divorced or divorcing woman. A safe place to ask advice, share war stories and connect with others who have “been there, done that.” JOIN NOW!

More Articles:

Do You Pursue Your Heart’s Desire?

How do You Handle Adversity?

Stop, Hey – What’s That Sound?Unresolved Legal Issues Pulling You Down