Question

Dear Shelley:

Overview: husband cheated, tried to make it work, husband stopped his counselling, blamed me for not having sex cause I could not get over the “other woman”, cheated again, now separated, living in the same house but separate rooms, one 14 -year- old daughter, husband is out every night getting his “happiness on” leaving me to our daughter and her questions which I have to make up excuses for him. He is manipulative and my daughter may be his next victim and I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  How do I survive and protect my daughter?  Do I let our daughter find out how worthless he is on her own?  

Drained and hopeless,

Latina

Answer

Dear Latina:

Best not to involve your daughter in your divorce issues.  It will only harm her. I am certain that she can see for herself what is happening and she doesn’t need to be involved. Trust me on that.  You do not need to cover for him. A 14 year old is smarter then that. You need to love her more then you dislike him.

Sounds like you could make use of some firm boundaries with your husband.  In order to reduce the extreme physical and mental exhaustion I suggest you start thinking about establishing boundaries, I.E. what you will accept and what you will not accept.  Have you spoken to an attorney to see what your rights are in the present situation? That would be a very good idea.  Is there a way for him to establish his own residency? Would you be willing to move?   If not, how can you create some lines in the sand as far as his behaviour goes?  Learning to say no and create consequences to bad behaviour is urgently needed.  

What are you doing to take care of yourself so the stress doesn’t eat you up alive?  Are you exercising, doing yoga, anything?  Do it!  It is a proven antidote to stress and stress kills.  How about support? Do you have close family and friends to lean on and if not, how about a divorce support group?  Are you eating well and getting rest?

A survivor is someone who takes action to move forward and address what is wrong in their life.  Start taking small steps everyday.  Only you can make the difference in your life…not to mention your daughter’s.  Learn to accept what you cannot change or control. Choose to handle this situation differently, in a way that will serve you.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Dear Shelley:

My husband moved out to “find himself” and decide if he wants to work on our marriage of 22 years or if he wants to be single.

He had an affair and I lived with this knowledge and his sadness after the other woman dumped him for fear that her husband would find out.  Nonethethless I was still willing to work on our marriage.  This is ruining our family economy and we are trying to put a son through college.

I feel stuck since I can’t move on.  I can’t afford a divorce or legal separation.  I feel that this could go on forever or at least until he finds his next bimbo.

I’m so depressed knowing I face an uncertain future and he seems to hold all of the cards. I’m 61, I left my career for his career, and raised our kids..now I’m basically jobless, kids are on their journies, no husband and facing a life of being single.

S.

Dear S.

If you’ve ever been the victim of infidelity the one thing you’ve wondered is “why” did he cheat? You will ask yourself that question dozens of times and may even think learning why the affair happened will keep it from happening again or relieve the pain you feel.

The truth is, knowing “why” won’t keep it from happening again and it won’t lessen your pain. Why not? Because you are not a cheater. No way can you control what a cheater does by understanding their motivation. And no way will understanding take away any of your pain.

If you have respected the boundaries of your marriage it is likely that you will never fully comprehend why a man would ever go outside the marriage for sex. The reason the cheater cheats is because he has an internal character flaw. He functions on the mistaken notion that going outside his marriage will solve his problems or fulfill his needs in some way.

Below are some of the more common reasons men cheat:

1. Some men cheat because they are not getting their needs met inside the marriage. They are under the skewed belief that going outside the marriage is justifiable. They get their “needs” met, their marriage stays intact and they delude themselves into believing that as long as their wife doesn’t know, no one is being harmed.

2. Some men have no respect for boundaries. They know that with marriage come certain boundaries when it comes to sex but they have little guilt when it comes to stepping over those boundaries.

3. Some men like the thrill of having something extra on the side. They don’t know how to pass up an opportunity to get a little “thrill.” The act of cheating has more to do with the fact that cheating is taboo than the actual sex.

4. Some men think they are not real men if they turn down a sexual invitation. They define their “manhood” by how attractive they are to the opposite sex. The more attention and propositions they get, the more manly they feel. These men are bankrupt on the self-esteem department!

5. Some cheat because they are hiding a secret. For instance, the man who is bisexual and hasn’t disclosed this information to his wife. He may love his wife and want to keep his marriage intact but, he will get his needs met. Maybe a man has a kinky fetish that is wife has a problem with…he may go outside the marriage to fulfill whatever his sexual desires are.

Whatever the reason it is the cheaters to own. If a man is not getting his needs met in the marriage it is his place to solve that problem without bringing a third person into the situation.

If a man has an issue with boundaries or low self-esteem, it is not his wife’s place to suffer the consequences. If you’ve been a victim of infidelity more than likely your husband has blamed you in some way.

I don’t believe in being a victim and I don’t believe in taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. If your husband has cheated and tries to tell you it was because there were problems in the marriage remind him that you were living in the same troubled marriage and chose not to cheat. A choice he could have made himself. A choice he is responsible for, not you.

I spoke at a divorce support group last night and heard some interesting stories about adult children of divorce.   One woman’s ex told her 19-year-old son that he was about to divorce her before he told her.

Actually he asked his son whether he thought it was a good idea.  I thought I’d heard everything but this was a new twist.  The poor kid suffered a breakdown after the divorce.

Another woman shared with the group that her husband was a serial philanderer but she hadn’t told her 21-year-old son the real reason they split.  It seemed he had a variety of mental health problems and she was afraid of his reaction.  Her marriage counselor and his therapist agreed.

However, her son was curious about the reason for the divorce, and what his father had done and kept asking her.  Her ex just lied to him, she said.   I told her I felt her son deserved the truth.  She didn’t have to tell him the details, just that his father had affairs, period, but I feel that family secrets are toxic.

I shared with her that my parents split up when I was ten, and got back together six months later.   I had no idea why they split and neither of them told me.  After my dad died, when I was 35, I asked my very proper mother why they broke up and she at first said, “we had problems.”  I asked, “what kind of problems?”   She said, “you know, problems.”  I said, “mom, I’m thirty-five, you can tell me.”  Finally she said, looking very embarrassed, “well he had affairs.”

Strangely, I wasn’t shocked although I had no clue he’d ever had affairs. I never saw my dad flirt with other women or any signs that he’d screwed around.  But somehow it made sense, considering who they were and what their relationship was like.

She was the domineering wife, who controlled the marriage and took care of him, me and everything else.   He was the dependent and resentful spouse, who acted like a rebellious teenager,  just like my ex who also cheated, but just with the woman he left me for.  It made sense that my handsome dad would rebel by having affairs.   He was too dependent on my mom to actually leave.

I told the woman at the group that I wished I’d known about my father’s affairs.  She asked why.   I told her it would have helped me understand their relationship, my adolescence which was hell, and my own life.   I thought I had a right to know about them, if only to sort out my own problems and issues.

I wonder how other older divorced women have handled this issue?  How have you dealt with your adult children when it came to explaining their dad’s cheating, or your own for that matter?